shit list

[Austin Phelps]

--------------------------------------------
| NOTE: |
| All farts are divided into two groups: |
| 1. Your Farts |
| 2. Somebody Else's Farts |
--------------------------------------------

THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting for
some
time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd
and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has
farted an Anticipated Fart.

THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It
is
identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be
concealed
by traffic noise as it is an eased-ou




The Shit List

Ghost shit - That is the kind where you feel the shit come
out. Have shit on the toilet paper. But there
is no shit in the toilet.

Clean-Get-Away-shit - The kind where you shit it out. See it in the
toilet. But there is nothing on the toilet
paper.

Wet shit - The kind where you wipe your ass 50 times and
it still feels unwiped; so you have to put some
toilet paper between your ass and underwear so
you don't ruin them with skid marks.

Second Wind shit - It happens when you're done shitting: you've
pulled your pants up to your knees, and realize
you have to shit somemore.

Brain Hemorrage Thru
Your Nose shit - The kind where you strain so much to get it out
that you practically have a stroke.

Richard Simmons shit - You shit so much that you lose 30 pounds.

Lincoln Log shit - Shit that is so huge that you're afraid to
flush the toilet without breaking the shit into
a few pieces with your toilet brush.

Klingon shit - When you go to wipe, it's already there,
waiting.

Drinkers shit - The kind of shit you have the morning after a
long night of drinking. It's most notable
trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of
the toilet bowl.

Blowout shit - Preceeded by a fart so dynamic that you check
the bowl afterwards for cracks.
(See also corn shit)

I Wish I Could shit - Where you want to shit, but all you do is sit
on the toilet all cramped up and fart a few
times.

Double Flush shit - Because of the "Crumbs".

Spinal Tap shit - This is when it hurts so much that you swear
it's coming out sideways.

Power Dump shit - The kind that comes out of your ass so fast
that your ass checks get splashed with toilet
water.

Exorcist shit - The kind when yellowish-brown liquid shoots
out all over your ass and splatters all over
the inside of the toilet while burning your
tender anus.

Mexican Food shit - Defies real description; must be experienced.

Peek-A-Boo shit - Shit that comes out halfway and then goes back
in. Halfway out and back in again.

Austin C. Phelps _ _ bbs.a...@jwt.UUCP

"Let History Never Forget the Name Enterprise" Yesterday Enterprise