Canonical List Of Business And Sales Humor 3/3
April Fool
-= business humor =-= 31 =----------------------------------------------------
Pipe Specification
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic
centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length; do not use holes of
different length to the pipe.
3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (Outside
Diameter). Otherwise, the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam, or
other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe is to be of the very best quality, perfectly tubular or pipular.
6. All acid-proof pipe is to be made from acid-proof material.
7. All pipe should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied
at the job site. Note: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes.
If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a
great deal of time at the job site.
8. All pipe is to be cleaned free of any covering such as mud, tar, barnacles,
or any form of manure before putting up. Otherwise, it will make lumps under
the paint.
9. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "Long Pipe"
clearly painted on each side and end, so that the contractor fitter knows
it's a long pipe.
10. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "Long Pipe"
painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire
length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short
pipe.
11. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "Large Pipe"
painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
12. All pipe closers are to be open on one end.
13. All pipe fittings are to be made of the same stuff as the pipe.
14. No fittings are to be put on the pipe unless specified. If you do, straight
pipe becomes crooked pipe.
15. Fittings come in all sorts of sizes and shapes. Be sure to specify the
direction you are going when ordering.
16. Fittings come bolted, welded or screwed; always use screwed. They are best.
17. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite
separate from the big hole in the middle.
18. If the flanges are to be blank or blind, the big hole in the middle must be
filled with stuff.
19. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-
hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
20. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill
pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the
wrong way.
21. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not
mix the threads; otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it
is being unscrewed fron the other.
22. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring
many joints. They are generally known as washers.
23. Joints in pipes for piping water must be water-tight. Those in pipes for
compressed air, however, need only be air-tight.
24. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not
recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.
25. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: conduit,
tube, tunnel and drain. Use only genuine pipes.
26. Scottish Regiments in the Army use Army pipes in unusual ways. These are
not approved of in engineering circles.
-= business humor =-= 32 =----------------------------------------------------
From Microsoft
Everett, Washington:
A businessman complained during an Everett City Council meeting about drug users
employing telephones and pagers to make connections in downtown areas. Just
after his comments, a city communications specialist's pager sounded, to a
chorus of laughter. City photographer Louis Filger turned off his beeper and
left the room with an embarrassed expression.
-= business humor =-= 33 =----------------------------------------------------
The Society for Technical Communication (STC) released its annual Report on
the Status of Technical Writers today. This report, issued by the STC's Writers'
Committee on Technical Scribes, monitors the civil and human rights of technical
writers throughout the world and documents abuses against them. It also includes
a handy quick-reference guide to basic Fortran compiler options.
Overall, the report noted that the situation for technical writers the world
over is "precarious, and, in many cases, is worsening rapidly. In particular,
writers in the Third World routinely live in poverty and squalor." (The report
noted that this may apply to other people in the Third World as well.)
The report concludes:
To the twin I-beams of Democracy and Freedom one may add those of Technical
Accuracy and Good Visual Layout. But these too are threatened by mankind's
age-old nemeses: Bigotry... Hatred... Right Justification. If the human
race is not only to survive, but to prosper in the heart and in the mind and
in the soul, technical writers must practice their ageless craft unencumbered
by fear, privation, or schedules.
Some of the highlights of the Committee's report include:
o Worldwide deaths involving courier font have increased 9% over the past two
years.
o Canada recently passed legislation making the passive voice the national
language.
o In China's remote Dimsum province, oxen are used in place of technical
writers, with no apparent loss of readability.
o In North Korea, police departments no longer use electric cattle prods to
torture dissidents, replacing them instead with extremely slow and finicky
daisy wheel printers.
o The Frame Technology Corporation now touts its product as "disposable."
o Torture of technical writers by roving gangs of hooligans known as "editors"
is rampant in Northern Ireland, where sectarian violence between different
spellers of "filesystem" runs out of control. One particularly gruesome form
of punishment is "chopping": holding a writer down and then cutting the dangly
thing off his cedilla.
o A similar practice is "stet-ing," the continual removal and replacement of
chunks of text, leaving the writer dazed and confused. (Or more dazed and
confused, to be exact.)
o A worldwide shortage of #2 pencils has left many technical writers in poorer
countries unable to take notes or doodle during meetings, forcing them to pay
attention or end the meeting by flinging live poisonous insects at the other
attendees.
o The Baath Socialist party of Syria has introduced the use of cuneiform stone
tablets, which jam PostScript printers.
What can you do? Lots. Send a letter to the head of government of one of the
cited countries; include a diagram with mixed fonts and at least one incorrect
cross-reference. Show them you mean business. Or write to the UN High
Commissioner on the Status of Technical Writers, stating that you are
categorically opposed to the use of mustard gas during staff meetings and that
you're still having problems figuring out which way the darn CD is supposed to
go in. Or you can have a fundraising party, inviting all your technical writer
friends and promising them that if they give a donation to Save the Tech Writers
you'll cancel the performance art you had scheduled for the evening.
A copy of the report is available from the Copy Center and from your local
samadzat.
(C) 1992 Mateo Burtch
-= business humor =-= 34 =----------------------------------------------------
About 15 customers had gathered their grocery items at a Safeway in Oxon Hill,
Md., shortly after 10 A.M. on Christmas morning and were lined up at the
checkout lanes, but no cashiers were on duty, and no one answered calls to the
back of the store. Local police were called and, after investigating, found
that the Christmas Eve crew had accidentally left the lights on and the doors
unlocked, giving shoppers the impression that it was open.
-= business humor =-= 35 =----------------------------------------------------
An American, a German, and a Japanese are serving as monitors in a U.N.
peacekeeping force. They are captured by the anti-democratic rebel forces, and
told that, as representatives of "regressive regimes", they will be shot before
a firing squad at daybreak.
Morning arrives. The Japanese national is led before the firing squad and
offered a blindfold. The captain says to him, "Do you have any final words,
imperialist pig?!"
The Japanese man replies. "Before I am killed, I would like to take just a
few moments to explain the importance of Total Quality."
Whereupon the American jumps forward and pleads, "Please! Please! Shoot me
first!"
-= business humor =-= 36 =----------------------------------------------------
Dave Barry on pyramid schemes:
When primitive humans first came along, they did not engage in business as we
now think of it. They engaged in squatting around in caves naked. This went on
for, I would say, roughly two or three million years, when all of a sudden a
primitive person, named Oog, came up with an idea. "Why not," he said, "pile
thousands of humongous stones on top of each other in the desert to form great
big geometric shapes?" Well, everybody thought this was an absolutely terrific
idea. It wasn't until several thousand years later that they realized they had
been suckered into a classic "pyramid" scheme, and of course, by that time, Oog
was in the Bahamas.
-= business humor =-= 37 =----------------------------------------------------
The issue of "Look and Feel" taken a bit too far?
Notice on a package: "The shape and appearance of this package constitute a
trademark of the John O. Butler Co." Seen on a container of Dental Floss!
-= business humor =-= 38 =----------------------------------------------------
A colleague pointed out the following passages in the latest issue of "The Right
Match: A Magazine of Career Management," published by AT&T Corporate Career
Systems/Employee Development (from an article that originally appeared in
"Working Woman," July 1992):
Jobs Built to Last
The 25 Hottest Careers
America may be slow getting back on its economic feet, but we have definitely
sniffed change in the air. The careers we've chosen are built for endurance,
beyond the end of the year, into the next century... Second on the list is:
Bankruptcy Attorney
-= business humor =-= 39 =----------------------------------------------------
The Entrepreneurial Spirit
"People Weekly" magazine reported that Avon cosmetics company has more than
36,000 sales representatives in the Amazonia region of Brazil, with sales
growing at 50 percent a year. Avon representatives in Amazonia sell the
complete range of Avon products, from lipstick, moisturizer, and mascara to
men's bikini briefs, and accept for payment almost any barterable items, such as
fish.
-= business humor =-= 40 =----------------------------------------------------
How To Address A Non-Sexist Business Letter
By Andrew Berman
Let us look at the standard opening phrase of a standard business letter:
Dear Sir,
Well, this is clearly sexist as it precludes the possibility that a woman is
reading the letter. We can try to fix this, however, by writing:
Dear Sir/Madam,
This was suggested in a recent posting in a few of the gender-issue related news
groups. However, someone pointed out that by putting the masculine title before
the feminine one, unacceptable dominance was demonstrated, making this non-PC.
So, I tried to fix it:
Dear Madam/Sir,
Well, this is no good since we're showing dominance in the other direction. Of
course, since Men are Oppressors and Womyn are Oppressees, that may not be so
bad. But it's not *really* PC, is it? Ok, let's try again:
Dear Sir
Madam,
Well, that solves the problem of who goes first. Of course, the Sir is on top
now, which is completely unacceptable. Missionary style het-sexist imagery
abounds. Very bad news, probably worse than the original. Ok, what about:
Dear Madam
Sir,
Well, I was once told that men laying on their back during sex was sexist as
they were making women do all the work. Besides, you still have one on top of
the other showing dominance. We may not sure who's doing what, but *somebody* is
being oppressed here. Next:
Dear MadSiram,
Put the Sir inside the Madam, ok, neither is going first and neither is above
the other one. Ok? NO! This is terrible! The Sir has inserted himself inside
the Madam! Practically splitting her in two with himself! How pornographic! A
man writing a letter addressed like this to a woman is obviously making an
(unwanted) sexual advance. If he were at Antioch college, he'd be suspended for
a year and have to go through rehabilitation. Catherine MacKinnon would have a
fit!
Dear SMadamir,
Now we put the Madam inside the Sir. Oh, now the Sir has enveloped the Madam!
Horrors, she has lost her identity, her sense of self! This is imprisonment!
Ugh, how could I have even thought of this one? I'm so ashamed!
Well, there's only one answer left:
To Whom it May Concern
There. Simple, no reference to sex or sexuality, no problems. Not very
friendly, but then again unwanted intimacy is a sin. And getting rid of
friendliness is a small price to pay to make sure that absolutely no-one is
ever, *ever* offended.
-= business humor =-= 41 =----------------------------------------------------
I don't understand these complaints about the postal service. Time was, you
could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would arrive at its
destination in two days. Now you put a twenty-five-cent stamp on a letter and
it can take three to four weeks to arrive. Still only a penny a day!
(From the letter column in Harper's Magazine, in response to an article about
the US Post Office.)
-= business humor =-= 42 =----------------------------------------------------
An Unusual Telephone Service Call
This story was related by Pat Routledge of Winnepeg, Ontrario about a repair
call he handled while living in England.
It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra
voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England).
When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for
the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be
signalled without disturbing each other.
Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it
did ring her dog always barked first. Pat proceeded to the scene, curious to
see this psychic dog.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked
loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, Pat
found:
a. A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and
collar.
b. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current.
c. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the
ground.
d. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.
Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
-= business humor =-= 43 =----------------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman; Thursday, May 19, 1994
Signs You Have A Bad Long Distance Company
==========================================
10. All calls are $2 for the first minute, $94 each additional minute.
9. Operator makes you describe what you're wearing.
8. Their so-called "dial tone" is just a guy with a kazoo.
7. You can only place long distance calls during an electrical storm.
6. They bill you for calls made by some guy named Pepe, and when you complain
they say, "Whatsa problem, man, you no like Pepe?"
5. Whenever you call their office, you hear gunfire.
4. For some reason, your phone doesn't work unless you're wearing 3-D glasses.
3. Everyone you talk to sounds like the guy at the drive-thru window at
McDonald's.
2. No matter what number you dial you always get Richard Simmons.
1. Their slogan is: "Reach out and touch yourself".
-= business humor =-= 44 =----------------------------------------------------
Heard on Paul Harvey News:
The unemployment rate is still so bad in Lebanon, Indiana. In a post office, a
sign was posted: "WANTED for Armed Robbery". 25 people responded.
-= business humor =-= 45 =----------------------------------------------------
The Minnesota Chamber of Commerce recently lauded the waste management practice
of the Crib Diaper Service of Plymouth, Minn., in capturing and donating the
lint gathered from laundering 250,000 diapers per week to a casket manufacturer
to use in stuffing casket pillows, which saves the diaper service $3,000 a year.
-= business humor =-= 46 =----------------------------------------------------
Test Your Business Sense
(thanks to Pat Snider and Gary Guibor)
You are a major defense contractor, and you are building a gun for the Army that
is supposed to be able to shoot down enemy planes. So far, the taxpayers have
paid you nearly $2 billion for it and all your tests indicate that the only way
it would have any negative effect on an enemy plane is if you could somehow
sneak into the cockpit and manually whack the pilot over the head with it. How
should you deal with this problem?
(a) You should try really hard to do a better job.
(b) You should tell the Defense Department that they probably should get another
contractor.
(c) You should refund at least some of the taxpayers' money.
Correct Answer: What problem?
You are a major automobile manufacturer. You have been losing sales to cars from
other nations, particularly Japan, because their cars tend to be fuel efficient,
technologically advanced, and extremely well made, whereas the most innovative
concept you have come up with in the past two decades is the opera window. You
should:
(a) Have Congress pass a law restricting Japanese imports, so consumers will
have no choice but to buy your cars.
(b) Have Congress pass a law making it legal for you to kidnap consumers'
children and not return them until the consumers buy your cars.
(c) Have Congress pass a law ordering the United States Army to barge directly
into consumers' homes and take their money at gunpoint and give it to you.
(d) Remind everybody a lot about Pearl Harbor.
Correct Answer: Any or all are acceptable.
You are a major condom manufacturer with national distribution contracts. Your
latest tests reveal that your products have a major structural flaw which makes
them 86% ineffective. Faced with multi-million dollar losses, not to mention a
population increase, you should:
(a) Alter your sales slogan, "Sure, you're taking a chance, but we've got you
covered... Uh Huh."
(b) Cut one third off and shift your sales emphasis to China; they'll never know
the difference.
(c) Sell them to kids as Super Morbid Teenage Turtle Ranger Power Party
Balloons; they'll buy anything.
(d) Add an agreement to the back of the package: "Opening this package, you
agree that you are too cheap to buy one of our competitor's superior
products, and release us from all liability when this device fails."
Correct Answer: All of the above.
You are a large seafood processor distributing throughout the U.S. Your
inspectors have discovered a sizable amount of your recently shipped product is
contaminated by an undersea pollutant. The contamination is not deadly to
humans, but simulates the aftereffects of a nauseous three day drinking binge.
As a responsible business person, you should:
(a) Contact the Center for Disease Control and the national media to alert the
public; and limit your liability.
(b) Announce an immediate recall of your products, but use your competitor's
return address.
(c) Pretend you're the government and do not acknowledge the problem for ten
years, or until you're caught; whichever comes later.
Correct Answer: Eat lunch at McDonald's.
-= business humor =-= 47 =----------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
A 1995 raise for millions of white collar federal employees was reduced from
2.6% to 2% by the President, who called it an "alternative pay adjustment"
instead of a pay cut. While some bureaucrats criticized the action, Clinton's
choice of words was lauded by the Federal Euphemism Advisory Board.
-= business humor =-= 48 =----------------------------------------------------
Welfare Bloopers
The following excerpts are drawn from letters written by citizens applying for
payments from a state welfare agency.
I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the
enclosed envelope.
I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a
dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a
mistake as you can see.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born.
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by
the clergy
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with
can't eat or do anything until he knows.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I
hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children I have on half a sheet
of paper.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief
since.
I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for
two weeks now and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will
have to send for another doctor.
I am writing to say that my baby was born two years old, when do I get my money.
This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it?
You have changed my little boy to a little girl, will this make any difference?
Please send me money at once since I have fallen into error with my landlord.
I have no children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and works day and night.
-= business humor =-= 49 =----------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
The staid Brit journal "The Economist" needed to illustrate their cover story
"The Trouble With Mergers," about problems resulting from recent corporate
couplings. "It's quite difficult to illustrate corporate mergers," said
editor-in-chief Bill Emmott. He settled on a photograph of a pair of copulating
camels. Rejecting mating elephants, hippos and rhinos, he chose the camels
partly because of the old joke that a camel is "a horse designed by committee."
-= business humor =-= 50 =----------------------------------------------------
Original, from fellow co-worker Mike Meyer, making fun of the recent mergers and
acquisitions in our field of work (with apologies to our colleagues over at
L-M.)
Lockheed-Martin To Purchase U.S. Department Of Defense
Washington (AP) - In yet another example of the continuing consolidation of
the U.S. defense industry, Lockheed-Martin announced that it and the Federal
Government have agreed to an outright purchase of the Department of Defense.
The merger, valued at $2 trillion dollars, reflects the continuing
aggressiveness of Lockeed-Martin in securing a lasting position in the defense
business, which has been lately beset by sharp reductions in government
spending.
"I've always wanted to have my own army," said Norman R. Augustine, president
of Lockheed-Martin. "This merger will pave the way for improved margins for our
stockholders, and will allow us far greater control over our international
market. If we want a contract from now on, we'll just roll out the tanks and
-= business humor =-= 51 =----------------------------------------------------
The following was by someone at Kennedy Space Center, found floating around the
office. Background information. Lockheed Corporation (makers of the SR-71,
F-16, C-103, U-2 (not the band silly ;-)) and many space items (including
launching the Space Shuttle), defense, etc) and Martin Marietta (makers of the
Titan II, Titan 3, Titan 4, Atlas, electronics, space craft, defense, etc.)
announced recently that they are planning in merging. This would make the
company the largest defense/space company in the world. The merger has to be
approved by the U.S. Government.
U.S. Air Force To Merge With Lockheed/Martin
Washington (UPI) - In an statement that shocked the defense industry, the
U.S. Air Force announced today that it will merge with the recently merged
Lockheed-Martin conglomerate. Air Force Chief of Staff Merrill McPeak made the
announcement at a White House ceremony today.
"I'm very pleased with the new merger and am excited about working with the
contracting world even more closely," McPeak said of the $600 trillion deal. The
merger would be the second largest in the country, topped only by the recent
marriage of Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson.
The plans for the new company, to be called Air Lockletta, are somewhat
sketchy but sources say that the former contractors will move into military
housing at already closed military bases around the country. Air Lockletta
believes that forcing their employees into government housing will save the
company billions of dollars a year.
The merger wasn't a happy occasion for all, though. Many of the former
contractors were incensed to learn that they would be forced to give up their
frequent flier miles to the Company and many of the former Air Force personnel
were upset that they would now have to decide what to wear every morning.
"It's just not fair," said Capt. Jim Lindsay of Onizuka Air Station, "I've
invested thousands of dollars in polyester pants and patent leather shoes and
they just pulled the rug out from underneath me. Where am I going to get the
money to pay for new clothing and, more importantly, how will I know if it
matches? They ought to make the old contractors wear uniforms instead."
Shareholders of the old Lockheed-Martin company are also unhappy because the
value of their stock plummeted with the announcement. Analysts say that the
drop occurred because of the debt the Lockheed-Martin group took on due to the
merger with the Air Force.
The merger has left the other services scrambling to look into mergers of
their own. The Navy is interested in a deal with Carnival Cruise lines, but
Kathy Lee Gifford has said that she and Richard Simmons oppose a government
takeover. The Army is saying it is keeping its options open but that it expects
to close a deal with the Marines sometime in the near future. The Marines,
upset at not having been included in the Navy negotiations with Carnival, say
that they want to be affiliated with another organization, and for once an
organization that is smarter than they are.
Many say that the Air Lockletta merger will take a while to "fit" the people,
though. "We know how to spend money but we don't know a damn thing about making
it," said an unidentified Lt. Col. in charge of OD-4/DH, a former Air Force
Organization. Many analysts agree with the Lt. Col. and have said that the
company will have trouble initially.
-= business humor =-= 52 =----------------------------------------------------
In the spirit of the Holiday Season(tm), Life In Corporate America proudly
presents...
The Total Quality Management Corporate Christmas Party
The TQM Corporate Christmas Party is carefully designed to give you and your
employees a safe, efficient gathering, optimizing cheer and good tidings.
The first step is to gather an appropriate number of executives to stage this
wondrous event. A good guideline is to draft the aid of all executives making
over $125,000/year including bonuses. These executives should be divided up into
the Greeting Team, the Serving Team, the Walking Team, and the Ceremonial Team.
The Teams should be further broken into two or more teams performing the same
function, thus ensuring increased Quality through Redundancy and Intra-Team
Competition.
Divide your entire personnel into three equal groups. This Top-Down
methodology breaks the task into manageable portions. Issue each employee a
ticket with coupons for each aspect of the party, the Christmas Party Ticket.
Printed on the ticket is the time which the employee should arrive for the
Christmas Party. In order to further relieve congestion, each of the three
seatings should be further broken into three "arrival groups". Thus, for the
12:00 seating you have employees arriving at 12:00, 12:05 and 12:10. Allow no
more than five minutes for any one employee to be late.
Now you can show how well you are organized. Your Employee travels to the
specified cafeteria entrance at the proper time, as specified on the Christmas
Party Ticket. He is warmly greeted at the entrance door by a member of the
Greeting Team, and directed to the queue at the entrance. At the head of the
queue, there are two more Greeting Team Members. Here the Employee surrenders
the bottom portion of his Christmas Party Ticket to a Greeting Team Member, who
then places it in the Door Prize Drawing Bin and directs the Employee to one of
two identical Christmas Party Meal Serving Lines.
At the start of the Meal Serving Line the Employee surrenders the next
portion of the Christmas Party Ticket to one of the final members of the
Greeting Team, who then allows the Employee to proceed with his tasty Christmas
Party Meal. The Employee picks up his Tray and Utensils. He notices two things.
First, the Utensils are neatly sorted and prepackaged for his convenience.
Second, the usual rectangular tray is replaced by the much more efficient
Truncated Tray. The Truncated Tray has its two far corners cut at precisely 45
degrees, allowing more efficient packing at the square Christmas Party Table.
Now the Employee is ready to receive his tasty Christmas Party Meal. Four
members of the Serving Team are ready to dish out his Meal. The first Serving
Team Member takes out an efficiently pre-warmed Plate and adds Turkey and
Stuffing. Here is another example of efficient pre-packaging, bringing your
Employee an assortment of tastes, yet in a compact form for safe, easy serving.
A generous Ball of Stuffing (1.75" diameter) is carefully pre-wrapped with a
Slice of Dark Meat and a Slice of Light Meat, thus satisfying all tastes. Next,
the remaining members of the Serving Team at this Station add Potatoes, Beans
and Gravy, and delivers the Product to the Employee.
Next, two more Serving Team Members offer an impressive array of Cranberry
Juice and Orange Juice, plus a choice of eggnog both With and Without Brandy,
labelled as "Leaded" and "Unleaded" (our little joke). Since we want to deliver
Consistent Value, the "Unleaded" EggNog serving contains twice as much EggNog as
the "Leaded" variety.
Notice that the Christmas Party Serving Lines are implemented with Dual
Redundancy. This is important, since it not only provides more Efficient
Service to meet Demand, but it also, should one line become disrupted, provides
a fallback so as to not severely impact the Schedule.
After the Employee receives his Christmas Party Meal, he is directed by
several members of the Walking Team to his table. Employees are seated solely
based on their order in line, both to provide Good Companionship and to
eliminate confusion imminent in Employees seeking out other particular
Employees.
The Walking Team is perhaps the most diverse Team in its duties. After the
Employee is seated the Walking Team is responsible for ensuring that Everything
is All Right. This includes, when an Employee is finished with his Christmas
Party Meal, the removal of Trays and Utensils, and the distribution of the
standard Christmas Gift. This action is carried out with the Just-In-Time
philosophy. When the Employee's meal is finished and his EggNog is nearing
emptiness, the Walking Team springs into action. One Walking Team Member removes
the Tray and Utensils, one collects the final Christmas Party Ticket coupon, a
third Walking Team Member distributes the standard Christmas Gift, and a fourth
verifies the Employee's Satisfaction with the Christmas Party Meal.
While your Employee is enjoying his Christmas Party Meal, several other
Activities are ongoing. First, a Special member of the Christmas Party Committee
is traveling about the Tables in the guise of Santa Claus. Since time is
limited, you ensure that the delivery of the Santa Claus Service is properly
received by all Employees by use of a Wireless Microphone. Second, the Christmas
Season Atmosphere is provided by your local High School Choir. This not only
provides soothing, cheerful music for your Employees but also strengthens the
Sense of Community with the Town outside the Company.
The third Activity is the Door Prize Drawing. Since no Employee is more than
five minutes late, you can be sure that all Employees assigned to this Seating
have arrived and been Greeted within fifteen minutes after the Opening of the
Seating. Then the Door Prize Drawing Bin can be sprinted up to the head of the
Cafeteria, where the Corporate Executive Officer, with Santa Claus as his
Helper, draws names from the Door Prize Drawing Bin and distributes the Door
Prizes. The Door Prizes are a series of increasingly valuable Prizes, ranging
from a Free Employee Recreational Association Membership to a Telephone
Answering Machine to a Twenty-Five Inch Zenith Color Television, and the Grand
Prize, a Sony Handycam Camcorder.
Once the Door Prize Drawing is completed, the Employees should have had
sufficient time to Eat, Relax, and Indulge in the Fellowship of his Neighboring
Employee. Therefore the Corporate Christmas Party is concluded, and all
Employees present can rise Together and resume their normal tasks, filled with
Happiness, Good Cheer, Good Food and a Renewed Sense of Companionship.
In conclusion, the Total Quality Management Corporate Christmas Party is a
fun, safe way to celebrate, while simultaneously demonstrating the effectiveness
of the Principles of Total Quality Management. It also, incidentally, pays for
itself. The Effectiveness and Precision with which the Corporate Christmas Party
is Planned and Carried Out results in your Employees being able to enjoy the
Party to its fullness, and still be finished early enough to return to the
office after not the usual 45 minutes allocated, but an outstanding Thirty
Minutes!
Author's note: The sick part is this really happened here! The names are
invented but the details are verbatim...
ken ryan
ry...@fsd.com
-= business humor =-= 53 =----------------------------------------------------
Memorandum
Rightsizing The North Pole, Inc.
Seasons Greetings
The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings has
been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate
downsizing. [And the fact that SMTP does not support typeface control]
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early
reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether
they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North
Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no
longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping
channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he
could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model
Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and
Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should
take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer
will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has
been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in
the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that
way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who
was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate
comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of
year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to
continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the
following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"
subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the
cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing
considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective.
In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The
positions are therefore eliminated.
[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French]
The [four calling birds] were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a
call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have
been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications
for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well
as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It
has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an
example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an
upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that
from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The
function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their
outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by
the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation
of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased
out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of
international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an
oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band
getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music
and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom
line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and
other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries
over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels
will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to
include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the
future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the
right number. Happy Holidays!
-= business humor =-= 54 =----------------------------------------------------
Now *THIS* Is Total Quality Management
From an old issue of the Wall Street Journal:
Beijing - Eighteen factory managers were executed for poor product quality
at Chien Bien Refrigerator Factory on the outskirts of the Chinese capital. The
managers, 12 men and 6 women, were taken to a rice paddy outside the factory and
unceremoniously shot to death as 500 plant workers looked on.
Minister of Economic Reform spokesman, Xi Ten Haun, said the action was
required for committing unpardonable crimes against the people of China. He
blamed the managers for ignoring quality and forcing shoddy work, saying the
factory's output of refrigerators had a reputation for failure.
For years, factory workers complained that many component parts did not meet
specification and the end product did not function as required. Complaining
workers quoted the plant manager as saying, "Ship it." Refrigerators are among
the most sought-after consumer items in China. Customers, who waited up to five
years for their appliances, were outraged.
"It is understandable our citizens would express shock and outrage when
managers are careless in their attitudes towards the welfare of others." Haun
says. "Our soldiers are justified in wishing to bring proper justice to those
errant managers."
The executed include the plant manager, the quality manager, the engineering
managers, and their top staff.
-= business humor =-= 55 =----------------------------------------------------
General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive.
Imagine if they did... (Think of a computer software or hardware help line.)
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns
over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all
these technical terms just to use my car?
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!
HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings
from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more
gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it
for you.
Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to
keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything
built in!
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck!
HelpLine: What's wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that's what wrong!
HelpLine: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way
to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't
start now!
HelpLine: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you
expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any
more!
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has
automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes,
and power door locks.
HelpLine: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!
-= business humor =-= 56 =----------------------------------------------------
Rolls-Royce has come out with what could be called the ultimate traveling work
place. It's a version of its Silver Spur III sedan with extras that include
three cellular phone lines (one each for fax, driver, and owner), dual video
screens in the front seat headrests, a hi-fi VCR, and fold-down compartments
that reveal a laptop computer, fax machine, and printer. Mobile Office magazine,
which admiringly describes the car as a "$250,000 Phone Booth," says it also
features a champagne-chilling refrigerator, "to celebrate the consummation of
the business deal."
-= business humor =-= 57 =----------------------------------------------------
There is, of course, a deep-seated class prejudice ingrained in this discourse
of jobs vs. the environment. It is not the white collar "quiche-and-perrier-
crowd" whose jobs are pitted against the environment. With their clean and
clever work environments, their neat suburban or urban living quarters, their
lifestlyes nurtured by health food and exercise, their minds enlightened by the
newest trend of New-Ageism, they can appear blameless. It is rather the swarthy
crowd of blue collar workers, preferably those with hard hats and chainsaws, who
are refusing to look beyond their narrow self-interest in order to save humanity
and the rest of nature. - Roger Keil in "Green Work Alliances: The Political
Economy of Social Ecology", _Studies in Political Economy_, 44 (summer), 1994
-= business humor =-= 58 =----------------------------------------------------
Savor a deadline;
it is merely an excuse
to stay up all night.
A marketing bird!
He tells me, tells me, and then
tells me what he told me.
Sunset is never
ensnared in a choice between
cost and quality.
- William Warriner "101 Corporate Haiku" (Addison-Wesley)
-= business humor =-= 59 =----------------------------------------------------
Miss Rachel Carson's reference to the selfishness of insecticide manufacturers
probably reflects her Communist sympathies, like a lot of writers these days.
We can live without birds and animals, but, as the current market slump shows,
we cannot live without business. As for insects, isn't it just like a woman to
be scared to death of a few little bugs! As long as we have the H-bomb
everything will be okay. - H Davidson, San Francisco CA, June 29, 1962 (from
the 2/20-27/95 "New Yorker" section entitled "Better Late Than Never," which
includes letters-to-the-editor received between 1925 and 1993. Prior to 1993,
the New Yorker did not publish letters per se. In June of 1962, the magazine
published a three-part article by Rachel Carson, "Silent Spring," on the dangers
of pesticides, especially DDT.)
-= business humor =-= 60 =----------------------------------------------------
Humorous Company Names
Amigone Funeral Home - fineral home in Buffalo, N.Y.
Analy Bazaar - now-defunct variety store in Sebastopol, Ca.
Bang's Ambulance Service - in Ithaca (situated right next to a "Bang's Funeral
Home...conflict of interests, perhaps?)
Beaver Body Works - auto body repair in Baltimore.
Benson Furniture & Mortuary - in Cederville, Ks.
Climax Lubricants - in Houston.
Cumming Cockburn - in Waterloo, Ont.
Curl Up and Die - purported to exist as a beauty shop in Chicago (previously
noted in "Earth Girls are Easy" and "The Blues Brothers").
Edifice Wrecks - purported to exist as a building demolition company.
Fag Bearings - in Springfield, Mo.
FUBAR Screw Co. - in Rochelle Park, NJ.
Hugg the Drugist - drug store in Paducah, Ky. (their slogan was "Hugg the
Drugist and Kiss the Delivery Boy)
Hursen Funeral Homes - in the Chicago area (good to know that transportation is
included)
Klutts Jewelers - in Morgan City, La (now, you be careful with those diamond
cutters...)
Maikedough, Dolunch & Wanke - law firm in Sydney, Australia.
PMS Industries - photography.
Property Management Services - real estate company with big metal signs in
front of houses all over Lawrence (Kansas) that read "PMS". It's also owned
and consists of mostly women. No joke.
R & S Erection Co. - in Santa Rosa, Ca.
Screw Products - in Spring Grove, Ill.
S & M Bargain City - clothing store in Beaumont, Tx.
S & M Clutch & Brake - in Atlanta, Ga.
-= business humor =-= 61 =----------------------------------------------------
How To Win Arguments
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on
any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at
parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
You too can win arguments and enhance your clout in debates over subject matter
like politics or sports. Also become better and more persuasive in your business
dealings. Simply follow these rules:
Drink Liquor
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the
economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some
health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display
your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several
large martinis, you'll discover you have strong views about the Peruvian
economy. You'll be a wealth of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering
searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed.
Some may leave the room.
Make Things Up
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians
are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid,
and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off.
DON'T say, "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say, "The average Peruvian's
salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum,
which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
Note: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too.
Say, "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford
Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same
tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bath
house."
Use Meaningless But Weightly-Sounding Words And Phrases
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.,"
and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say,
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough
money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let
me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians,
they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have
enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
Use Snappy And Irrelevant Comebacks
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your
opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has
the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponents says Lincoln died in 1865.
You say You're begging the question.
or
You say Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponents says Liberia is in Africa.
You say You're being defensive.
Compare Your Opponent To Adolf Hitler
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and
you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds
suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind
me of Adolf Hitler."
So that's it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of
this on people who carry weapons.
================================================================================
== SALES HUMOR =================================================================
-= sales humor =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------
Funny Ads and Signs
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home,
too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really
repellent.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and
Gardens.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last
Stock up and save. Limit: one
We build bodies that last a lifetime
See ladies blouses. 50% Off!
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of
women wear nothing else.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair,
rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner
having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns
toast.
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go
anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with
the big 7 on it and u-p after.
If you can smell me you are too close! - sign on the rear of a bakery truck
Drive Carefully. The loaf you save may be your own. - on the back of a bakery
truck
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the
Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Illiterate? Write for free information.
We make keys to everything except Heaven and Hell; those you make yourself. -
on the back of a locksmith's truck
Cabaret; Striptease/Nite-Club, Classy Downtown Tourist District, Vancouver:
Cabaret lounge presently catering to Japanese Tourists, operating as karaoke
w/out strip-tease but already gross $400K. Imagine the potential! Professional
sound stage, grand piano and elec. keyboard karaoke etc., already in place, with
professional kitchen ready to serve dinner for 112-seats. NOT YOUR AVERAGE
XXX! This Baby has CLASS!! - From a real estate ad for a Vancouver, B.C.
nightclub
Big, huge, gigantic staying in business sale! - on a department store in
Jasper, Florida
Satisfaction Guaranteed or double your garbage back! - on the back of a garbage
truck
Southern Sanitation, Free Snow Removal - on a garbage truck in South Florida(?)
When Ya Got Frankie, Ya Got Trash - from Frankie's Trash Service in Wheaton,
Maryland
Garbage collection and catering - on truck of a private garbage service in Ft.
Lauderdale that offers trash removal at parties in addition to their normal
service contracts
Your number two is our number one. - on the side of a septic service truck
My wife keeps her nose out of my business. - on the side of a septic service
truck
We can take a lotta CRAP! - on the side of a septic service truck, also with a
picture of a skunk holding it's nose
You can't beat our meat. - on a Culver City meat company truck
Please don't die in our washers. - in a laundromat in Westerville, Ohio
Myba Linda Reroofing - on the back of a truck in Yorba Linda, California
-= sales humor =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------
Funny Vacation Ads
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery.
It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the
lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other
athletic facilities.
-= sales humor =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------
Funny Help Wanted Ads
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping
machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month; References required
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
Salary and Blue Cross
Wanted: Mother's helper, peasant working conditions.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks
included.
Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Wanted: 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be
willing to get hands dirty.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Wanted: Haircutter
Excellent growth potential
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted: Hard working, experienced farm woman. Household and field work; know
how to cook; must own tractor, send photo of tractor.
Alligators!!! We are interested in hiring three semi-obnoxious, pushy Acct.
Executives, for a very boring repetitious job of selling. Our rather dismal
office is located in Longmont. You would be forced to work in the office. Our
current staff, which is the laziest group of individuals you will ever see, drag
themselves to work 5 days a week to decide whether to complain about the
weather, the coffee, the thermostat, or the manager. When that's all over, they
somehow manage to organize themselves, work their calls, and sell a whole lot of
our services and products, which is surprising, because nobody wants to buy
anything we well, because our prices are too high and the economy stinks.
Applicants should have skin like an Alligator, and a desire to suffer their way
to make at least a thousand a week. Paid training to the right three people.
- true ad from "Rocky Mountain News" in Denver on Saturday, January 21 1995
-= sales humor =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------
Funny Product Labels
Some actual quotes from labels on the packaging of common household products...
The best has to be: "Johnny Cat is the best value for your money. A 20 lb.
bag of Johnny Cat contains 25% more litter than 16 lb. bags, and 43% more than
14 lb. bags!" Other important information from the bag: "100% natural clay
mined from a rare deposit makes Johnny Cat especially absorbent." And then they
have a section for "Other Uses" of Johnny Cat: "Garage Spills: sweeps up oil and
grease and reduces stains" "Trash Cans: a layer on the bottom reduces odors and
discourages flies" "Refrigerators: an inexpensive nontoxic odor absorbent"
"Gardens: enhances water retention and soil aeration, promotes growth"
All this from a cat litter! Who could ask for more!
From a Dr. Pepper bottle: "Warning: Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off
causing eye or other serious injury. Point away from people, especially while
opening." So remember, when you buy Dr. Pepper, be careful! At any moment,
without warning, it may just explode!
From a kid's Halloween costume (Superman): Stitched into the cape was a tag
saying "Warning: Use of This Device Does Not Enable Wearer To Fly".
From a Pop-Tart (tm) box: "Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated"
From a newspaper article: "A Congressionally-funded study has determined that
many smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages"
From a hair blow-dryer instruction sheet: "Warning: Do Not Use While Sleeping"
On the package for Top Cog <tm> fan belts (automotive use): the first step of
the instructions tells you not to change the belt while the engine is running.
From a Boston Globe piece, during a 1973 summer heat wave, describing ways to
"beat the heat.": "No. 1. Stay out of the direct rays of the sun."
Found on the inside of a pull top lid of a liquid radiator sealant: "Caution: Do
not lick lid."
From the Indigo Owners Manual p. 6-9: "Hardware Dos and Don'ts" ... Do not
dangle the mouse by its cable or throw mouse at co-workers.
My favorite warning appears on a box of those cloth roller towels in restrooms.
It says: Warning! Improper use may cause serious injury or death!
-= sales humor =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking down the street one day and he saw a 'Salesman Wanted' sign
in a window. He went in the store the owner came out and said, "Can I help you?"
"I'I'IIII w'w'waannnttt j'j'jjoooobbbb." said the man.
"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking problem."
said the owner.
"I'I'III h'h'avvee a'a'a wif'f'fe annd 6'6' k'k'ids a'a'ndd I'I n'neeeed
th'th'e j'joobb." said the man.
"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.
So the man went out and came back an hour later. "H'here'sss your mm'money."
said the man.
The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him
out.
The man came back in two hours and said, "H'here'sss your mm'money."
The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than
anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they
come to the door?"
"W'welll" said the man, "III r'r'ing the d'd'oor b'b'ell a'a'nd
s's'say 'M'M'aaddammm, d'd'o y'y'ou w'w'ant t'to b'buy t'this B'Bible o'o'rrr
d'd'o y'you w'w'w'ant m'me t't'o read it to you?"
-= sales humor =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------------
A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked, there's a
knock at the door. The nun calls, "Who is it?"
A voice answers, "A blind salesman."
The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while
she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and
says, "Uhhhh, well hello there, can I sell you a blind, dearie...?"
-= sales humor =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------------
Tooth Brush Salesman
A man walk into a department store, finds the manager and says, "I really
need a job, how about giving me a chance?" Manager says, "Sure, but you have to
sell these 500 toothbrushes in a week to get the job." Our hero takes the
toothbrushes and leaves.
Next week, he comes back with the toothbrushes and finds the manager, "I
didn't get any of these sold, but please, _please_, give me another chance."
Manager says, "Ok, but you have to take another 500 toothbrushes." Our man takes
the toothbrushes and tries his luck again.
Again Our Man comes back with the 1000 toothbrushes, talks to the manager,
gets another 500 toothbrushes and tries his luck... So he comes back in a week,
not with 1500 toothbrushes but with a bag of money. The manager gives him the
job and wants to know his trick.
Our Hero says, "Well, the ideas came to me a couple of days ago. I set up a
table on a busy street corner with a bowl of chips, bowl of shit, and a sign
saying 'Free Chip & Dip'. Someone would come along, dip the chip, and
say, 'Yuck! That tastes like shit!' and, of course, I would reply, 'Sir, you
are right, here, have a toothbrush!"
-= sales humor =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------------
Buzz Word Easy Reference Guide
"Essentially complete."
Half done.
"Impact being determined."
Where the hell are we?
"We predict..."
We hope to God!
"Drawing release is lagging."
Not a single drawing exists.
"Risk is high, but acceptable."
100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may
have a 50/50 chance.
"Is producing increasingly good"
It can now be read with the copies. Naked eye.
"Schedule resolution has a high priority."
When we get around to it. We'll find out where we are.
"Potential show stopper."
All program teams have updated their resumes.
"Serious, but not insurmountables, problems."
It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.
"Basic agreement, however..."
The S. O. B.'s won't even talk to each other.
"Results are being quantified."
We are massaging the numbers so they'll agree without conclusion.
"Very difficult to maintain the field."
The bill of laden should call out 3 service reps to be shipped with each unit.
"Task force to review."
Gathering 7 incompetents for a decision.
"Not well defined."
Nobody's thought about it.
"Requires further analysis and management attention."
Totally out of control.
"Appears to be attainable."
It will take a miracle.
"Less than expected."
Bombed out.
"This is high risk program."
No way we can make launch.
"Schedule exposed."
We slipped three weeks ago.
-= sales humor =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------------
From Advertising Age, January 7, 1991, p24
The contest was to predict the next, even nastier pitch for AT&T Long Distance.
The winners are quoted below.
Frequent repeat entry prototype:
"So I go to pick up Bobby from the daycare center and he's not there. I get
home, the phone's ringing and it's them. The guy says, 'Lady, we've got your
kid. Say something to mommy, Bob. (Scream!!!) Please note, Mrs. Sanderson, the
fiber optic clarity of your son's plea...'"
First Prize:
So the guy says, "Hi, I'm Willie Horton and MCI has given me this job as part of
their new work-release program. Let's get together and talk about switching
over." - Randy Dumouchel, copywriter, Primm & Co., Norfolk, VA.
Second Prize:
I just wanted directory assistance for Montana and the next thing I know I'm
talking to Mozambique. So call MCI for credit and I get a recording - of
Roseanne Barr singing. When the operator comes on I say, "AT&T never put me on
hold." She says, "Sweetie, AT&T never had a nasty infection like the one I
got." - Eric Gutierrez, actor/copywriter, New York
Third Prize:
I hear this crash and I find a rock, wrapped in paper, next to my living room
window. I open up the note and it says, "You want it in writing? You got it.
Next time, take the call. MCI. We know where you live." - Mary Hoppin,
consumer services manager, Asian Sources Publications, Hong Kong
Honorable Intention:
So the guy says, "Paul, if you don't switch we're gonna have to fire-bomb your
house." And I say, "Fire-bomb my house? AT&T never threatened me like that."
And he says, "You're not dealing with AT&T." - Paul Gosselin, free-lance
copywriter, Nashville
-= sales humor =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------------
A traveling salesman stops at a gas station to take a shit. The restroom has
two commodes and there's a guy already there using one of them. The two guys
acknowledge each other and go about with their business. The salesman finishes
first and, as he pulls his pants up, some change drops into the bowl. He looks
at it, thinks for a moment and throws $50 bill into the bowl.
The other guy asks, "Why did you do that?"
The salesman goes, "Don't expect to put my hand in there for 35 cents."
-= sales humor =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------------
Here is a phone exchange I had one afternoon with a telephone solicitor who had
called me trying to sell a long distance company (this was done just after AT&T
broke up). Sm = salesman, Me = me.
Ring Ring Ring
Me: Hello?
Sm: Hello, I am Gern Blanston representing the Flint Long Distance company. How
are you today, sir?
Me: <bemused> Fine.
Sm: May I ask you what type of long distance company you are using?
Me: <now witha devilish grin> Duuuh... I duuno....
Sm: You don't know? Well, how would you like to be hooked up with the best
satellite phone network of the 80's? We use -
Me: Duh, sure. Can I call my friend from, uh, far away?
Sm: Er, yes. Our long distance service uses the best -
Me: <trying to keep from giggling> He lives in Pango Pango...
Sm: Yes, I see. Well, you can call your fried overseas at a rate you'll -
Me: He has a lizard you know....his name is Ralph.
Sm: I see, well, you can -
Me: Ralph the lizard. He is green and sits in a tree.
Sm: Well -
Me: A palm tree... with lots of, uh...leaves.
Sm: <haggardly> Well, you will save money by using our new optical -
Me: Save money? Really?
Sm: Of course! And if you -
Me: Well, how much is it per yard?
Sm: Pardon me? <really threw him there>
Me: How much is it per yard. Pango Pango is pretty far away from here...
Sm: Well, I never really thought about it that way, but I can assure you -
Me: Will you have to drill a hole in my roof?
Sm: Ah, no. You see, it works like this -
Me: 'Cause my friend, Tom, got one of them black dishes that you put on your
roof...and then he fell off and hurt himself real bad...
Sm: Well, me don't actually come to your house -
Me: Crushed his wife's poodle. Flattened him right out, he did...
Sm: If you could give me a minute to explain the process -
Me: Did I tell you I had a friend in Pango Pango?
I kept doing this act for about 20 minutes before the guy just finally gave me
his number to call him back. That salesman hung on like a pit bull! I guess
he must have thought I was so stupid, he would eventually sell me something.
-= sales humor =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------------
This joke is the original work of Fred Wheeler and Jeff Sorenson (a hysterical
conspiracy theorist). It is a parody of recent AT&T commercials that ask, "Have
you ever read a book from around the world?" and respond, "You will, and the
company that will bring it to you is AT&T."
Have you ever received an automated sales pitch while you were still in your
pajamas?
Have you ever had thousands of calls all over the world charged to your stolen
account number?
Have you ever had your paycheck deleted by faceless intruders from across the
globe?
Have you ever had an employer know more about your whereabouts and activities
than your spouse?
Have you ever been snuffed to dust by a satellite laser while lying on the
beach?
______
| |
| You |
| Will |
|______|
And the company that will bring this to you
is AT&T
-= sales humor =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------------
At a clothing store, you can play games with the store clerk as per the
instructions of Steven Wright:
Clerk: Can I help you?
You: Yes, do you have anything I would like?
Clerk: How would I know what you like?
You: I dunno, you started this.
-= sales humor =-= 14 =-------------------------------------------------------
I once heard that Lewis's (department store) in Glasgow used to employ a
"scapegoat". If a customer complained about anything, the department's manager
would summon this guy and fire him on the spot to appease the angry customer.
-= sales humor =-= 15 =-------------------------------------------------------
Paper Or Plastic?
And how about witty comebacks to that age old question, "Paper or Plastic?"
Try this. Go to your local supermarket. Get a can of soup. Look for the most
_clueless_ checker there (there will be one, guaranteed). When they ask if you
want a bag for that, look absolutely horrified and respond, "No thanks, I think
I'll keep it in the can!" or "Wow, do people _usually_ put their soup in a
bag?". Buy a bag of chips. When they offer a bag, examine your chips and say,
"No thanks, I think it comes with one."
Premptive strike: before they can ask you, "paper or plastic," you ask them:
"Paper or plastic?" "Duh..." Pull out a $20 bill and a credit card. Again
repeat: "Paper or plastic??"
If you bought some laundry detergent, rat poison, or household cleansers,
when they ask about a bag, reply, "No thanks, I'll eat it here."
-= sales humor =-= 16 =-------------------------------------------------------
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's
home in outback Australia.
"This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt
over the lounge floor.
The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman
says, "If this machine doesn't remove all the dust completely, I'll lick it off
myself."
"Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "only we're not connected for
electricity yet!"
-= sales humor =-= 17 =-------------------------------------------------------
A very successful businessman was leaving his office building and saw a
small boy sitting on the curb with a dog. The boy yelled at the businessman,
"Hey, how would you like to buy a dog."
The man was intrigued by this sales approach and asked the boy, "How much do
you want for your dog."
The boy told him, "Fifty thousand dollars."
"Fifty thousand dollars!" the man repeated in astonishment. "What special
tricks does this dog do that he can earn enough money to be worth fifty thousand
dollars?" the man asked the boy.
The boy replied, "Mister, this dog never made a nickel in his life. Manner of
fact, count what he eats I guess you could say you lose money on him every
year."
The businessman felt this was a good time to explain economics to the young
man and expounded on how a item had to produce more income than it consumed to
equal a puchase price ending with he might get five dollars from someone who
just wanted a companion. Feeling he had imparted a very valuable lesson to the
young man, the businessman went on his way.
A few weeks later, the businessman came out of his office building and the
small boy was again sitting on the curb minus the dog. The man said to him, "I
see you took my advise and sold the dog for five dollars."
The boy said, "No, I got fifty thousand dollars for him."
The business man was completely flabbergasted. "How did you ever get fifty
thousand dollars for that dog" he asked.
"It was easy," said the boy. "I traded him for two twenty five thousand
dollar cats."
-= sales humor =-= 18 =-------------------------------------------------------
The following has been culled from the business pages of the New York Times
(Thursday, 5/11)...
Chevy's Answer To Ford's Taurus
Chevy is delivering what it hopes will be its most powerful punch of the
decade.
Last month, Chevy began selling its Lumina midsized sedan, a vehicle aimed
straight for the heart of the huge United States market for four-door family
cars, where the Ford Motor Company has conquered ground so effectively since
1966 with the Ford Taurus and Mercury Sable.
General Motors is not counting on technological wizardry or styling
breakthroughs to win over customers from Ford. Rather, it is putting its hopes
on an innovative marketing campaign that calls on Micky Mouse and the rest of
the Disney stable to help sell the car.
"We were afraid people might be offended by Mickey and Minnie asking them to
spend as much as $14,000 for a car," [a GM executive] said. "But our testing
showed that Mickey and Minnie brought tremendous believability to our product.
Disney characters are very powerful."
-= sales humor =-= 19 =-------------------------------------------------------
A few months ago I decided to discontinue my life insurance policy. Granted, it
was pretty cheap (25 bucks a year), but I didn't have the money at the time and
I let the policy expire. Since then I have gotten a letter from them every
couple of weeks pleading me to reconsider my decision. In the last letter, I got
from them, they were starting to sound a little pathetic, and they wanted to
know what they had done wrong. The vice president himself wanted me to write and
tell him what the problem was. Well, I started to feel a little bad and I
decided to write them the following letter:
December 4, 1993
Raymond N. Arel
Vice President
National Benefit Life
Insurance Company
Dear Raymond,
Since I have decided to discontinue my life insurance policy, I have received
many letters urging me to reconsider. I feel I must write a letter to address
your concerns.
I assure you, I have been quite satisfied with the service I have experienced
with the National Benefit Life Insurance program. The reasonable cost and the
option to increase my benefits in the future was a very attractive incentive to
continue doing business with you.
However, recently I have signed a pact with the Unholy One, otherwise known
as Cthulhu (pronounced Kah-thu-lou). For the mere price of my soul, and eternal
damnation, I have been promised domination of the city of my choice after the
second coming of the Gods of Hellfire. The offer also included immortality and a
free membership card entitling me to 10% off any purchase at over 10,000 occult
stores nationwide.
As a result, I have changed my name from Adam S. Kajenski, to Yog Sothoth
Neblod Zin, and I have moved to the most evil city on Earth, Williston Vermont,
where I dwell in my castle of sin shedding the last vestiges of my human shell.
Now that I am immortal, I feel that life insurance would be a fruitless wast of
money.
Thank you for your concern,
Yog Sothoth Neblod Zin
-= sales humor =-= 20 =-------------------------------------------------------
In "The Oregonian", a Meier and Frank department store advertisement for womens
bras and panties reads:
"The perfect gift for that special woman in your life, or great to keep for
yourself."
-= sales humor =-= 21 =-------------------------------------------------------
From The Economist of July 8, page 49:
Mensa, the club for "highly intelligent people", advertised a competition in a
children's newspaper. Closing date, June 31st.
-= sales humor =-= 22 =-------------------------------------------------------
Satisfaction guaranteed, or twice your load back. - sign on septic tank truck
-= sales humor =-= 23 =-------------------------------------------------------
Payment Plan
While on a shopping expedition, I mistakenly handed the salesperson my blood
donor card to pay for one of my purchases. He looked at it and then gave it
back, saying, "That's all right, lady. We still only want money."
-= sales humor =-= 24 =-------------------------------------------------------
With more than 12 billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder
that marketers are playing fast and loose with mailing lists. In one
particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the
mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost
immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names
to itself.
-= sales humor =-= 25 =-------------------------------------------------------
From Saturday Night Live:
Happy Fun Ball
only $14.95
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid
prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should
not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
*Itching
*Vertigo
*Dizziness
*Tingling in extremities
*Loss of balance or coordination
*Slurred speech
*Temporary Blindness
*Profuse sweating
*Heart Palpitations
If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover
head.
Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and
kept under refrigeration...
Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products
Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all
liability.
Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to
Earth, presumably from outer space.
Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being
dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.
Happy Fun Ball
ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!
-= sales humor =-= 26 =-------------------------------------------------------
Ever wonder whether anybody could be so dumb as to require instructions telling
them how to play with a Slinky (a children's toy consisting of a large flexible
spring)? Well, in case you were wondering, here are the instructions that come
with one:
To play with slinky in hands:
Hold end coils of Slinky with both hands. Now raise and lower each hand in a
rhythmic motion.
To bounce slinky up and down:
Hold a few coils lightly in one hand, allowing rest of Slinky to hang down. Now
in a bouncing motion, move hand slowly up and down.
To walk slinky down incline or slope:
Any board or table top with a non-slip surface will do. Slope surface so rise
equals about 1 foot for every 4 foot length. Place Slinky at top, flip and watch
Slinky start down, end over end.
-= sales humor =-= 27 =-------------------------------------------------------
Seen on an ad for a new product on the market:
Mall Walkers, a $79 pair of sneakers "specially designed" JUST for walking in
shopping malls. (Need I say more?)
-= sales humor =-= 28 =-------------------------------------------------------
Sign outside a sporting goods store:
Now is the winter of our discount tents!
-= sales humor =-= 29 =-------------------------------------------------------
Truth in Advertising
Our Sears is undergoing a massive remodeling, which means everything in the
store is someplace else, like the men's socks with the luggage. However, they
didn't bother changing the ceiling signs. When they moved the women's lingerie,
the sign above the new spot was probably more accurate than they wanted:
Men's Sportswear
-= sales humor =-= 30 =-------------------------------------------------------
A man who speaks only Spanish goes into a small clothing store, with the
intention of purchasing a pair of socks. He does not know where the socks are
located, however, and walks over to a sales clerk to ask for them.
Unfortunately, the clerk knows only English, so the conversation progresses
rather slowly.
Clerk: May I help you, sir?
Customer: Quiero comprar medias. (I want to buy socks)
Clerk: I'm sorry...I don't understand Spanish. Do you want pants? [points to
pants racks]
Customer: No, no. Quiero medias.
Clerk: Do you want shirts? [Points at shirts.]
Customer: No, no. Quiero medias. (No, no. I want socks.) [Points at feet.]
Clerk: Ahh...you want socks, right? [Points at socks.]
Customer: Medias, si! Eso, si, que es! (Socks, yes! That's exactly it!)
[Pronounced S-O-C-K-S]
Clerk: Well, if you knew how to spell it, why didn't you say so, in the first
place?
-= sales humor =-= 31 =-------------------------------------------------------
Consumer Reports magazine, in the October issue, has a report on "Mail-Order"
Companies (Sears, J.C. Penney, L.L. Bean, Eddie Bauer, C.O.M.B., Land's End,
Swiss Colony, Carol Wright, Sharper Image, etc), companies that do a large
amount of retail sales "by mail." In the article, they remark: "When you look
at how the orders were placed, it's obvious that "mail order" is an archaic
term. Relatively few people order by mail (most order by phone, via toll-free
800 numbers), and few products are delivered by the U.S. Postal Service (90
percent of catalog orders are delivered by United Parcel Service)."
-= sales humor =-= 32 =-------------------------------------------------------
If you don't find it in the Index, look very carefully through the entire
catalogue. - "Consumer's Guide", Sears, Roebuck and Co. (1897)
-= sales humor =-= 33 =-------------------------------------------------------
An article in Forbes magazine reports:
Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya
using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on one tribesman who speaks in
native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan "Just Do It" appears on the screen.
Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinatti, says the Kenyan
is really saying, "I don't want these. Give me big shoes."
Says Nike's Elizabeth Dolan, "We thought nobody in America would know what he
said."
-= sales humor =-= 34 =-------------------------------------------------------
The following advertisement has been on the bulletin board at a major defense
research institution recently:
Enemy Wanted
Mature, North American Superpower seeks hostile nation for arms racing, third
world conflicts, and general antagonism. Must be sufficiently menacing to
convince Congress to fund us. Nuclear capability preferred, near-nuclear
considered. Earth, anywhere. Send note and picture of tank battalions to
General C. Powell, The Pentagon, Washington, D.C., U.S.A.
Jordin (Peace through Superior Firepower) Kare
-= sales humor =-= 35 =-------------------------------------------------------
The Salesman (a story)
And in those days, behold, there came through the gates of the city a
salesman from afar off, and it came to pass as the day went by, he sold plenty.
And in that city were they that were the order takers and they that spent
their days in adding to the alibi sheets. Mightily were they astonished. They
said one to the other, "How doth he getteth away with it?"
And it came to pass that many were gathered in the back office and a
soothsayer came among them. And he was one wise guy. And they spoke and
questioned him saying, "How is it that this stranger accomplisheth the
impossible?".
Whereupon the soothsayer made answer, "He of whom you speak is one hustler.
He ariseth very early in the morning and goeth forth full of pep. He
complaineth not, neither doth he know despair. He is arrayed in purple and fine
linen, while ye go forth with pants unpressed. While ye gather here and say one
to the other, 'Verily this is a terrible day to work', he is already abraod. And
when the eleventh hour cometh, he needeth no alibis. He knoweth his line and
they that would stave him off, they give him orders. Men say unto him 'nay' when
he cometh in, yet when he goeth forth he hath their name on the line that is
dotted.
"He taketh with him the two angels 'inspiration' and 'perspiration' and
worketh to beat hell. Verily I say unto you, go and do likewise."
-= sales humor =-= 36 =-------------------------------------------------------
I saw the following ad in The Australian, Wednesday December 9. Looks like with
the advent of competition, Telecom Australia is branching out and offering other
services.
Call 008 052 052 and reduce your family and friends by 10%.
-= sales humor =-= 37 =-------------------------------------------------------
Warrenville, Ill. - Robert Bulmash is the telemarketing industry's worst
nightmare. He and a small army of followers, fed up with the modern epidemic of
junk calls, are fighting back. Their motto is "Leave Us Alone or Pay the
Price!" Their strategy is mischievous, ruthless and surprisingly effective.
Bulmash instructs the 550 members of his group, Private Citizen Inc., to
answer junk calls cordially and tease out all the information they can about the
identity and location of the "junker." Then twice a year, he sends a notice to
more than 800 telemarketing companies, with a list of his members and a warning
on their behalf:
"I am unwilling to allow your free use of my time and telephone ... I will
accept junk calls for a $100 fee, due within 30 days of such use ... Your junk
call will constitute your agreement to the reasonableness of my fee."
Private Citizen members, who pay $20 a year for the service, say their junk
calls drop 75% or more. As for the "invoice," it has left Sears, Roebuck & Co.,
ChemLawn, and a handful of other telemarketers so bemused they've actually
coughed up the $100. Others, though not all, have had it dragged out of them in
court.
The leader of this rebellion is an intense 45-year-old paralegal with the
flair of an angry stand-up comic. His little war, run out of his home in his
spare time, has stirred up the giant telemarketing industry, where mention of
the name Bulmash draws shudders of disgust.
"Everyone in the industry knows Bob Bulmash," sighs Kenneth Griffin, an
American Telephone & Telegraph Co. official and past head of the American
Telemarketing Association. He worries that the Bulmash crusade will "regulate us
and put us out of business," and adds, "I'm sorry, but we're going to defend
ourselves." (In fact, AT&T right now is defending itself against a $100 claim
from Bulmash.)
At the other end of the telemarketing line, Bulmash is a hero. "Thanks for
taking on the greatest annoyance to man since the invention of the housefly!"
wrote a grateful Oregon woman who read about him in a local newspaper.
In a 1990 national survey of telemarketing targets, 70% said they consider
such calls an "invasion of privacy." Walker Research Inc. of Indianapolis
conducted the survey via, of all things, random calls to U.S. telephone numbers.
The survey also found that 44% of the targets considered their last
telemarketing call "pleasant," and 41% think telemarketing serves a "useful
purpose."
All these calls are coming from an exploding industry with an awesome arsenal
of new technology. American companies will spend an estimated $60 billion on
telemarketing this year, up from $1 billion in 1981, says the industry
association.
One especially popular purchase, all too familiar to households, is the
"adramp," short for automatic dialing recorded message player. It courses like a
virus through the phone system, blaring its come-on to one number after another
in sequence.
Another hot new weapon is the "predictive dialer," which speed-dials one
number after another, sending to live agents only the calls that answer. With
one of these, a telemarketing shop can double the number of prospects its agents
talk to in a day.
Lawmakers are starting to worry about this calling frenzy. A proposed federal
law would create a national list of people who don't want junk calls, and make
it illegal to telemarket them. States have also introduced some 300 bills this
year curbing unsolicited sales calls.
Bulmash's group, Private Citizen, is reachable at Box 233, Naperville, Ill.
60566.
-= sales humor =-= 38 =-------------------------------------------------------
When a young salesman met his untimely end, he was sent up to Heaven where
St. Peter confronted him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed him that he
had a choice about where he could spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was
allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.
"I'll see Heaven first," he said, and St. Peter led him through the gates on
a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people
there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the former
salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to a
life of musical produce.
"Can I see Hell, now?" he asked. St. Peter pointed him to the elevator, and
he want down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal
followers. For the next half hour, the young man was led through a tour of what
appeared to be the hottest (no pun intended) night clubs he'd ever seen. People
were partying loudly, drinking heavily, and having a, if you'll pardon the
expression, Hell of a time.
When the tour ended, he was sent back up to the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter
asked him if he had reached a final decision.
"Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to
admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity
down there."
St. Peter honored his request, and sent him down again. Upon his arrival,
however, he was immediately thrown into a cave and was chained to a wall, where
he was subjected to various tortures that ranged from fire and brimstone to
being forced to watch the movie "Ishtar" in Dolby Surround Sound. It wasn't
very long before he found himself a lesser devil that he could complain to.
"When I came down here for the tour," he complained, "I was shown a whole
bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff! What happened?!"
The lesser devil replied, "Oh, that! You see, that wasn't _really_ Hell.
That was just the Sales Demo."
-= sales humor =-= 39 =-------------------------------------------------------
The president of L'Eggs announced that L'Eggs is changing its advertising in
response to Thursday's brutal attack on figure skater Nancy Kerrigan, who had to
sit out Saturday Night's 1994 USA Figure Skating Championships due to the injury
she sustained. Said the president, "As L'Eggs is the primary sponsor of the US
Figure Skating Championships, we decided to replace the ads we'd planned with
alternates that didn't use our old advertising line. We want to avoid any
accusation of false advertising leveled against our PR campaign. After all,
Thursday's attack shows that, as it turns out, apparently you _can_ beat a great
pair of legs!"
-= sales humor =-= 40 =-------------------------------------------------------
I knew it was going to be a bad day when, on opening the door to the travel
agency, I saw the same guy who used to work at a local car dealership. He
bounded from behind his desk and came to the door to shake my hand, a most
unusual behavior for a travel agent.
"Good morning! May I sell you a Hawaiian vacation?" he asked.
"No, thanks, I just need an airline ticket from Boston to Baltimore," I said.
"I need to go on Thursday."
"I have just the thing for you," he said. "First class, change only once in
Denver. Dynamite seats on these airplanes, yes sir!"
"No, I just need a coach ticket. And isn't there a direct flight from Boston
to Baltimore without stops?"
"I like a man who does his homework," he said. "You'd be amazed how many
people just come in and ask about all the flights they can find. Will you be
trading in another ticket?"
I was beginning to get irritated. "I don't have a ticket now. That's why
I'm here. What flights are there to Baltimore on Thursday morning?"
"If I could get you a departure time you liked, would you buy a ticket
_today_?" You could see that he was hungry. "Here's a flight at 10:30."
"No, I need to be there by ten. Is there something around 8:00?"
"You are a skillful bargainer," he countered. "I'll have to ask my manager."
He disappeared for a few minutes. "My manager says he can give you an 8:30
departure, no earlier. Of course, you'll want to buy flight insurance and our
special carry-on bag..."
I got up and headed for the door. Surely there's another travel agent
somewhere. Maybe Japan Air Lines flies to Baltimore. Or Lufthansa. As I left,
I could hear him calling, "You know, these flights to Baltimore are very
rare...Consumer Reports rated Baltimore very highly...We may not be able to get
any more of these tickets..."
-= sales humor =-= 41 =-------------------------------------------------------
Seen on a coupon for two products sold by the same manufacturer:
Contraceptive sponge or home pregnancy test: your choice
-= sales humor =-= 42 =-------------------------------------------------------
Fort Lauderdale, Florida: A woman who set up a 900 number, Dial-A-Friend, is
hanging it up after logging only one call in three months and that from a man
who wanted to know the operator's measurements.
"It makes you wonder. Is there a normal person out there to begin with?"
said Lorain Blum, who had expected people would be willing to pay $2.99-a-minute
for social service referrals and a friendly listener.
Blum spend $8,000 setting up the line and advertising on radio, cable
television and in singles' magazines. Dial-A-Friend's sole customer brought in
$23.92, she said.
-= sales humor =-= 43 =-------------------------------------------------------
From the always-entertaining "Selling It" column in Consumer Reports:
The Flesh Is Weak
A consumer concerned about weight might well have been drawn to a coupon
(printed in a magazine advertisement) good for a free two-liter bottle of Diet
Coke. A six-ounce serving of Diet Coke does save you calories (it has 71 fewer
than a serving of Coca-Cola Classic). But to qualify for the free diet soda,
you have to buy Fisher mixed nuts (170 calories per serving), Duncan Hines
cookies (110 calories per serving) and Pringles potato chips (170 calories per
serving.)
-= sales humor =-= 44 =-------------------------------------------------------
Problems with Jehovah's Witnesses, Encyclopedia Salesmen, or The Kid Next Door?
Simply invite them inside, slip out the back door ("Just to get some sugar from
the neighbors"), and go call the police to report burglars.
-= sales humor =-= 45 =-------------------------------------------------------
From the Feb 15 issue of NewsWeek magazine:
A Technical Knockout
Big Brother isn't watching, but Continental Cablevision is. During last
November's pay-per-view Holyfield-Bowe heavyweight (boxing) title bout, the
Springfield, Mass. cable TV operator aired a free T-shirt ad using a new
technology: the ad appeared only on sets using illegal signal decoders. More
than 140 saps phoned in for the shirts. Continental has sent them letters
offering to settle the matter for $2,000 and has already received several
checks. Since federal law allows fines of $10,000, says Continental VP Geoffrey
Little, "We consider the settlement fee generous." Anyone who disagrees, he
says, will find himself involved in another fight, in court.
-= sales humor =-= 46 =-------------------------------------------------------
From the "Selling It" column in the August issue of Consumer Reports:
In a sales letter sent to physicians, the Lynn Medical Instrument Co. offered an
electronic heart monitor. What struck the physician who sent the letter along
to us was the boast that the unit "allows for early detection of sudden cardiac
death." We're wondering how much the deceased will appreciate that feature.
-= sales humor =-= 47 =-------------------------------------------------------
In May of 1994, the Michigan Court of Appeals affirmed a lower-court decision
dismissing Richard Overton's $10,000 1991 lawsuit against Anheuser-Busch for
false advertising. Overton said he suffered physical and mental injury and
emotional distress because the implicit promises in the company advertisements,
especially of success with women, did not come true for him when he drank their
product, and that besides that, he sometimes got sick when he drank.
-= sales humor =-= 48 =-------------------------------------------------------
McDonnell Douglas
Aircraft-Space Systems-Missiles
Important! Important!
Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase.
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to
protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty
registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but
the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs
and desires.
1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other
First Name________________ Initial____ Last Name________________________
Latitude__________________ Longitude__________________________________
Altitude__________________ Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-19A Stealth _Classified
3. Date of purchase: Month________ Day__ Year____
4. Serial Number___________________
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have
just purchased:
_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to
purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified
9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in
the near future:
Product Own Intend to purchase
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:
_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Crazed (Islamic)
_Crazed (Other)
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive/Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveler's Check
12. Occupation You Your Spouse
Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student
13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on
a regular basis:
Activity/Interest You Your Spouse
Golf
Boating/Sailing
Sabotage
Running/Jogging
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Default on Loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black Market/Smuggling
Collectibles/Collections
Watching Sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/Torture
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Espionage/Reconnaissance
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction
Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be
used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the
future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from
other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDonnell Douglas Corporation
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500
Regards, Gustavo "Harrier" Molina - Sao Paulo - Brazil
-= sales humor =-= 49 =-------------------------------------------------------
Seen on an ad for a restaurant:
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods expertly served by waitresses
in appetizing forms.
-= sales humor =-= 50 =-------------------------------------------------------
This showed up as a true real estate rental ad (1979):
2 bdrm. house: with fireplace, garage. work shop and large yard. $200 per
month. No children, no pets, no smokers, no drinkers, no drugs, no gays, and no
freethinkers; no Buddhists, no Baptists, no Moonies, no Junies, no Communists
sympathizers, roo deodorizers, nor tranquilizers; no creeps, no punks, no fools,
no losers, no onions and hold the mayo. In fact, never mind...I'm going to sell
the property and move to Denver or India or some place. (And no musicians.)
-= sales humor =-= 51 =-------------------------------------------------------
From the "Selling It" column of the August issue of Consumer Reports:
A can of Del Monte creamed corn says on the label that it "contains no
artificial additives or preservatives." Another message, some distance lower,
says "Contains Recycled Steel."
Given the choice, we'd take the additives.
-= sales humor =-= 52 =-------------------------------------------------------
From the "Selling It" column of the February issue of Consumer Reports:
A printed advertisement for Dunkin' Donuts:
Free
3 Muffins when you buy 3 at the regular 1/2 dozen price
-= sales humor =-= 53 =-------------------------------------------------------
From Consumer Reports magazine:
A special towel for a special need?
Proctor & Gamble's "Bounty Microwave" (paper towel) is one of those products
that solves a problem you didn't know you had. Ever since microwave ovens caught
on, people have used paper towels to cook in them. Paper towels keep foods such
as bacon or sausage from making a mess of the oven interior; the towels also
help keep bread and rolls from drying out or getting soggy when they're warmed.
"Bounty Microwave", though it claims to be a towel for all tasks, is cagily
named to make you think it's somehow special and therefore better than other
brands for microwave cooking. But there's only one meaningful difference we
could find between the two types of "Bounty": We paid a bit more for the
microwave version.
Proctor & Gamble claims that "Bounty Microwave" contains no artifical colors.
In other words, it's white. In our opinion, any white paper towel should work
in a microwave oven.
-= sales humor =-= 54 =-------------------------------------------------------
Ten Things That People In Front Of You In Checkout Lines Always Say
1. Wait! I have a coupon somewhere at the bottom of my purse.
2. Oh damn! I left my checkbook out in the car.
3. Isn't that funny? None of the things I picked up had prices on them.
4. You mean this brand isn't on sale? Ooops! Let me run and get the right kind.
5. I demand to speak with the manager!
6. You have no idea how long I've been waiting to get rid of this sack of
pennies.
7. Hold on...my husband is bringing another cart...Where is he? ... Hubert?!
8. Wait! Let me check that receipt, all eight feet if it!
9. No, no, no. You've bagged these groceries all wrong. Let me show you the
right way.
10. Ooops! This 200-lb. bag of dog food has a hole in it. Here, you sweep the
crumbles off the counter and I'll go see if I can carry another bag over.
-= sales humor =-= 55 =-------------------------------------------------------
A Loo Full Of Technology
Japanese technology is plumbing new depths; it's created the intelligent
toilet.
Last October, Toto Ltd., Omron Corp. and Nippon Telegraph And Telephone Corp.
(NTT) jointly developed the ultimate in information technology: the fancy
flusher.
Makers say a trip to this toilet may save you a trip to the doctor.
The intelligent diagnostic system packs the latest state-of-the-art goodies.
The toilet bowl has a sensor to perform urine analyses and then zaps the data
onto a display screen that shows the concentration levels of sugar, protein,
urobilinogen, and blood in the urine for the occupant's viewing.
Users can chart their blood pressure by sticking their left index finger into
a sensor-sensitive unit on the toilet. The information then can be viewed on
the second screen of the diagnostic system.
What goes in also comes out. The diagnostic system has a printer and an
integrated circuit (IC) memory disk card drive that can store up to 130
examinations. The IC card can also be inserted into a compatible computer
system for simple record updates.
The intelligent toilet is on display at computer architect Ken Sakamura's
Tron intelligent house in the trendy Tokyo district of Roppongi.
NTT officials see the diagnostic system eventually having on-line
communications capabilities enabling users to send information directly to
hospitals or clinics.
The intelligent toilet is expected to go on sale in Japan sometime this year,
according to Toto officials.
Source: Kyodo News. Date: 03/24/90
-= sales humor =-= 56 =-------------------------------------------------------
My conditioner, bless its little Brazil Nut soul, is "Against Animal
Testing." So are my shampoo and styling gel. I'm not sure exactly what that
means, but I can just imagine.
My guess is that when I go shopping, my hair care products attend rallies and
organizing meetings, then waddle back onto the shower ledge before I get home.
Perhaps they hold consciousness-raising sessions in the bathroom itself,
desperately trying to recruit my moisturizer which, though never actually tested
on animals, has yet to take a pro-active stand against the heinous crime.
Although face cream is well-known for its squishy politics, I don't think it can
withstand my hair care products' direct-action techniques much longer - little
eco-emollients that they are.
I have to admit that I've never been active in the animal rights movement
myself (although I am all for the furry tykes, of course). There are just so
many causes these days, who has time? So I sleep better knowing that although I
do nothing for animal rights (okay, so I eat meat and wear leather but don't
tell my shampoo), Brazil Nut Conditioner is my delegate, my personal envoy, to
this very worthy movement. And I don't mind telling you that it keeps my hair
soft and manageable like there's no tomorrow. These social contributions are
coming from my bathroom alone - just wait 'til I tell you about the global
revolution that lurks in my closet.
- Naomi Klein, in "This Magazine", takes a tongue-in-cheek look at
environmental marketing
-= sales humor =-= 57 =-------------------------------------------------------
From David Letterman - Monday, November 28, 1994
Top Ten Signs You're A Shopaholic
10. In state-of-union address, president thanks you for spurring economic
growth.
9. You live in a tent in the sporting goods section of Macy's.
8. You've dropped, but yet you continue to shop.
7. Your last four serious relationships were with mall cops.
6. Your name is Sally Johnson, and now there's a store called "Gap for Sally
Johnson."
5. You just brained an old lady to get the last pair of five-dollar mittens.
4. You can't get your car out of the Stuckey's parking lot because you've got
3,300 lbs of pecan logs in the trunk.
3. You've even purchased some of that Zima crap.
2. You're in a private audience with Pope John Paul II, and you ask, "How much
for the big hat?"
1. You've nailed both Sears and Roebuck.
[Music: "Shop Around"]
-= sales humor =-= 58 =-------------------------------------------------------
Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually very
hard to get one for the kiddies. A radio station (I don't know where) announced
that Mattel was going to get Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people of this
particular city.
The plan was that they had to go to the football field of the local
university and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and the dolls would be
dropped onto the field. People were supposed to hold their credit cards up so
that a photographer with a telephoto lens in the airplane could get the credit
card numbers and charge the price of the dolls to the recipients' accounts.
People actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.
-= sales humor =-= 59 =-------------------------------------------------------
In February 1994, Philadelphia's Department of Licenses and Inspections served
notice of a violation on dancer Crystal Storm at Three Doll House. The
department's weights and measures division, whose primary job is checking the
accuracy of meat-market scales, ascertained Ms. Storm's bust measurement at only
50 inches, versus her advertised measurement of "127", which Ms. Storm said was
in centimeters. Said department official Frank Antico, "That's deceptive
advertising."
-= sales humor =-= 60 =-------------------------------------------------------
From "Late Show with David Letterman" - Wednesday, August 10, 1994
Top Ten Signs Your Shoe Salesman Is Actually The Devil
10. He helps customers sitting in front of him and in back of him by spinning
his head around.
9. His store has big Hitler's Birthday sale.
8. Offers you 15% off if you sell him your soul.
7. Name of store: "Thom McAngel of Death".
6. When you tell him you don't like a pair of shoes, he spits pea soup at you.
5. He gazes into your eyes and the next thing you know, Bang, you own 30 pairs
of Reeboks.
4. When unhappy customer tells him to go to hell, he replies "I can't go home
till six".
3. Sign out front reads "Visa Card, Mastercard, and abandon hope all ye who
enter here".
2. When Michael Jackson got married, his shoestore froze over.
1. All the shoes are size 666.
-= sales humor =-= 61 =-------------------------------------------------------
A Tokyo company, Juonsha, recently began in 1994 offering a mail-order curse
kit, featuring a straw doll to represent the hexee, along with eight
accessories, including nails, a curse manual, and a curse-blocking doll to ward
off return curses. The company at first marketed to boys and girls bullied at
school, but discovered the major market is women who hope to put spells on
neighbors, in-laws, and husbands. Among the hints in the manual: "It is
important to specify the kind of misfortune [you wish upon th victim]... It is
important to imagine the unhappy scenes."
-= sales humor =-= 62 =-------------------------------------------------------
The following are a pair of stories I heard presented as true at a recent direct
marketing (once known to those outside the industry as "junk mail") meeting:
As part of its direct marketing program, J.C. Penneys sells life insurance over
the phone. One of the oddest events these telemarketers had was when they
received one phone call from a person wanting to buy life insurance. The person
who answered the phone began writing the sale as normal until she got to the new
customer's residence; he was on death row, due to be executed the next day. She
had to decline the sale.
When Cessna came out with a new corporate jet in the 60's, it was decided to use
a major Madison Avenue ad agency for a direct marketing campaign aimed at
executives of major organizations that currently have airplanes and so might be
looking to step up to a new jet. In trying to create a direct mail package that
would be novel enough to get to the top executives, it was decided to mail
homing pigeons in tiny wooden crates. The idea was to have each executive
attach a tiny message, indicating whether they wanted more information on the
jet or not, to the leg of the pigeon and then release it. Unfortunately, some
of the organizations selected for this mailing were third-world countries with
representatives at the United Nations. Rather than release the pigeons, they
ate them.
-= sales humor =-= 63 =-------------------------------------------------------
A very large department store chain in the U.S. is very low on sales. The
head of personnel (Mr. Jones) informs the head of each department store that
they are to send all employees over the age of 60 out on early pension.
The early pension plan in implemented. After three months, Mr. Jones, in
going over store reports, notices that the Chicago store has an employee over
the age of 60.
Mr. Jones calls Mr. Smith at the Chicago store to find out why Mr. Green is
still with the store. Mr. Smith explains to Mr. Jones that Mr. Green is the
best salesman that the store has ever had. He brings hundreds of thousand of
dollars into the store a year and that to let him go would be a real loss.
The following week, Mr. Jones goes to the store and down to the sales floor
to secretly watch Mr. Green in action.
Mr. Green says to a customer, "You know, with that new fishing pole that you
bought, you should really have some new fishing clothes." The customer is
convinced and Mr. Green outfits him in hundreds of dollars worth of new fishing
clothes.
Mr. Green continues, "You know, you are going to look so spiffy in that new
outfit with your new fishing pole that it would be a pity not to be seen.
Instead of just standing on the banks of the river, you should be seen in a new
fishing boat." The customer is convinced and Mr. Green sells him a new fishing
boat.
Mr. Green is so convincing that he also sells the customer a new fishing
trailer and a new car to go along with the new boat, new outfit, and new fishing
pole. By the time the sale is rung up, Mr. Green has sold thousands and
thousands of dollars worth of merchandise.
Mr. Jones is absolutely astounded. He tells Mr. Smith to give Mr. Green a
raise. He says to Mr. Smith, "I have never seen such an outstanding selling job
in my life. It is unbelievable that the customer came in for a simple fishing
pole and Mr. Green sold him thousands of dollars worth of merchandise."
Mr. Smith says, "That's not even the beautiful part. That customer didn't
even come in for a fishing pole. He came in to buy his wife a box of tampons.
Mr. Green convinced him that since his weekend was already shot, he may as well
go fishing..."
-= sales humor =-= 64 =-------------------------------------------------------
In 1885, a drug manufacturer claimed "Cocaine can take the place of food, make
the coward brave, the silent eloquent, free the victims of alcohol and opium
habit from their bondage, and, as an anaesthetic, render the sufferer
insensitive to pain."
In 1886, an early advertisement for Coca Cola claimed "This intellectual
beverage and temperance drink contains the valuable tonic and nerve stimulant
properties of the coca plant.
-= sales humor =-= 65 =-------------------------------------------------------
In 1972, advertising agency Young & Rubicam were about to launch Hunt-Wesson
Foods' canned pork and beans in Canada. In the U.K., the product had been known
as "Big John's", and they wanted a Canadian equivalent. The basic translation,
"Grand Jean", seemed insufficiently macho, so they changed it to the colloquial
"Gros Jos". Development, packaging, design, and the other necessities of the ad
campaign went smoothly ahead and the launch date was fixed. Then one French-
speaking copywriter happened to read the label. It appeared, she pointed out,
that the treasured colloquialism went a little far. "Gros Jos" meant "Big
Tits". The campaign was scrapped.
-= sales humor =-= 66 =-------------------------------------------------------
The merchanising manager of a large food chain was on his vacation. While
driving through rural Arkansas he developed a headache and decided to stop in
the next town and buy some aspirin. Stopping at a small grocery store, he went
in and got his aspirin. While in the store, more out of habit than anything, he
walked around to see how it was merchandised.
To his amazement, only about two or the ten isles in the store were devoted
to the basic staples and the other eight isles were filled with Morton salt. He
had never seen anything like this in his life and wondered what caused this huge
demand for Morton salt in a small rural town in Arkansas. Seeing the proprietor
in the rear of the store he said, "My God, you sell a lot of Morton salt."
At which the owner said, "Who me, I don't hardly sell any Morton salt at all,
but that fellow that sells me Morton salt, does he know how to sell Morton
salt!"
-= sales humor =-= 67 =-------------------------------------------------------
Reuters News Service reported in June 1994 that a men's underwear advertisement
on a billboard in Tel Aviv, Israel, features the product with a photo of the
late prime minister Golda Meir, and the slogan, in Hebrew, "Eventually we
remember those who had balls".
-= sales humor =-= 68 =-------------------------------------------------------
Credit card: What you use today to buy something you won't be able to afford
tomorrow because you will still be paying for yesterday.
-= sales humor =-= 69 =-------------------------------------------------------
There were two grocers, Smith and Jones, in the same street. Smith had a
sign in his window, "Avocados, 20 pence a pound". A woman goes in and asks for
some. "Sorry love", said Smith, I haven't got any in just now; come back on
Wednesday".
So she goes on up the street to Jones'. But his avocados are 2 pounds-fifty
a pound! But at least he has them in stock.
"That's a bit steep isn't it? Smith's are only 20 pence a pound".
"Yeah", says Jones, "and when I haven't got any in stock, *mine* are only 20
pence a pound!"
-= sales humor =-= 70 =-------------------------------------------------------
As it turns out, people didn't necessarily want to smell like Cher. - Annette
Green, president of an association of perfume and cologne manufacturers, on why
some celebrity-named products sell well but others don't
-= sales humor =-= 71 =-------------------------------------------------------
With these words, I can sell you anything...
The Adman's 23rd
The Adman is my shepherd;
I shall ever want.
He maketh me to walk a mile for a Camel;
He leadeth me beside Crystal Waters
In the High Country of Coors.
He restoreth my soul with Perrier
He guideth me in Marlboro Country
For Mammon's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Jolly Green Giant,
In the shadow of B.O., halitosis, indigestion,
headache pain, and hemorrhoidal tissue,
I will fear no evil,
For I am in Good Hands with Allstate;
Thy Arid, Score, Tums, Tylenol, and Preparation H,
They comfort me.
Stauffer's preparest a table before the TV
In the presence of all my appetites;
Thou anointest my head with Brylcream;
My Decaffeinated Cup runneth over.
Surely surfeit and security shall follow me
All the days of Metropolitan Life,
And I shall dwell in a Continental Home
With a mortgage forever and ever.
Amen.
-= sales humor =-= 72 =-------------------------------------------------------
Short distance travelers have told us low fares are their primary concern, and
we have responded by streamlining our on-board service. Beginning May 1, 1994,
Continental Airlines is discontinuing its in-flight food service on most
domestic flights of 2.5 hours or less. It's one of the little things that
Continental Airlines is doing to provide you even more airline for your money.
- from a leaflet put out by Continental Airlines entitled, "Short Flight? Grab a
Bite"
-= sales humor =-= 73 =-------------------------------------------------------
A Tokyo company, Juonsha, recently began offering a mail-order curse kit,
featuring a straw doll to represent the hexee, along with eight accessories,
including nails, a curse manual, and a curse-blocking doll to ward off return
curses. The company at first marketed to boys and girls bullied at school, but
discovered the major market is women who hope to put spells on neighbors,
in-laws, and husbands.
================================================================================
== STRESS HUMOR ================================================================
-= stress humor =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------
Stress - the irresistible urge to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
desperately needs it.
-= stress humor =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept
The things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies
Of the people I had to kill because
They pissed me off.
-= stress humor =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------
Ways To Cope With Stress
Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
Braid the hairs in each nostril.
Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for
help.
Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Do your computer programming assignments in binary code.
Drive to work in reverse.
During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the mucous back down your
throat.
Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you
can do at a time.
Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
Lie on your back eating celery; using your navel as a salt dipper.
Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Polish your car with earwax.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if
nothing is wrong.
Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Refresh yourself, put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
Relax by mentally reflecting on your favourite episode of The Flinstones during
that important finance meeting.
Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill and vice-versa.
When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
Write a short story using alphabet soup.
-= stress humor =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------
Things To Do If You Are Bored
abuse your patio furniture, again tell your dad the dog did it, annoy yourself,
apologize to it, apply for a Unicorn Hunting License, argue with
fundamentalists, ask stupid questions, avoid a sale that's too good to miss,
balance a watermelon on your head, be a rabid Boxcar Willi fan, be a side
effect, be a square root, be a threat to the American way of life, be a threat
to the Northwest Tibetan way of life, be cherubic, be in the wrong place at the
right time, be number six, be someone special, beg, belch, birdwatching, boil
ice cream, boldly go where no man has gone before, bonsai grass, bonsai your
neighbor's kids or pets, borrow pencils, braid your dog's hair, break other
peoples things when they aren't looking, buff your cat, build a pyramid, bury
your father's Nissan, butter someone up, buy the Brooklyn Bridge, call strangers
and ask for advice, call strangers and give advice, calmly have a nervous
breakdown, can some music, carry a lantern through the city searching for an
honest man, carry a tune, carve your girl/boyfriends initials in a marshmallow,
catch a falling star, cause a power failure, challenge the neighbor kid to duel,
change a light bulb, change your mind, change your name...daily, chew every bite
of food 100 times, clean and polish your belly button, climb a sidewalk, collect
belly button lint, collect bibles from nuts, collect dust, collect oil pan nuts
from cars, collect stool samples, complain to God that Jupiter has more moons
than we do, confess to a crime that you didn't commit, contemplate a cockroach,
contribute to the population problem, converse with a flatworm, corner the
market on Agnew in '76 buttons, count all the sheets of toilet paper in a new
pack to see if you got your money's worth, count all the words in the newspaper,
count ants, count the cornflakes in a box, count to a million fast, crack your
knuckles to music, crawl, crumble, crumple, cut the deck, debate politics with a
fern, defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes, develop a complex,
dial 911 and then breath heavily, dial-a-Prayer and argue with it, dig up your
roots, do a good job, do a taste comparison on insects, do aerobics in your
head, don't toss and turn, donate organs, donate your brother's body to science,
draw on the window with grape jelly, dress like your favorite Heavy Metal group
and surprise your grandmother, drive the speed limit...in your garage, drool,
drop everything, drop something to see if it breaks, drop your cat from a high
place to see if it really does land on all four feet and repeat the procedure
until failure, duck, dust a tree, eat grass, eat only chocolate-colored foods
for a week, exercise a ghost, exorcise a ghost, exist...existentially of course,
factor your social security number, fill your jean pockets with hamster treats
and drop your pet hamster down in there, find a witch, find out how many ways
there really are to skin a cat, find out where all these cylinders graduated
from, find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor, find yourself, finger
paint with your toes, flash your goldfish, flirt with an evergreen, fly a brick,
fold marshmellows, form a political party, found a cockroach stable and stud
farm, found the Jim Jones' School of Modern Bartending, found the TLO (Toledo
Liberation Organization), free the obsessed toaster-ovens of America, freeze dry
pets, genuflect to Larwence Welk, get a college education, get a dog to chase
your car, get angry with yourself, get lost, giggle, give a lecture tour on the
historical significance of cream cheese, give a Rorschach (ink blot) test to
your gerbil, give your cat a mohawk, give your cat a suntan...in the microwave,
give your goldfish a perm, give your grandmother a raise and another week paid
vacation, go back to square one, go bow hunting for Toyotas, go bowling for
small game, go for a walk in the attic, go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead
people, go to a drive-in movie in a tank, go to a funeral and tell rude jokes,
go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway, hard boil all the
eggs, harness chipmunk power, have a proton fight, have your car painted plaid,
have your cat bronzed, have your first statement of bankruptcy framed, hit the
deck, hop to class or work on one foot, hot wax the bottoms of your brother's
dress shoes, imagine there's no heaven, install handicapped access to the {your
favorite pathetic baseball team here}'s dugout, interview a cloud, ionize your
new chemistry professor (remember you took the heat capacity of the first one),
join Hell's Angels by mail, join the Army...be someone simple, join the Foreign
Legion, join the military, jump back, keep track of an ant for the entire
afternoon, kick a cabbage, kickstart your TV, kickstop your TV, kidnap Cabbage
Patch Kids, kiss and make up, knight yourself and some close friends, learn
everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire, learn Greek, learn to
read Sanskrit, learn to type with your toes, learn to write Sanskrit, lie to
yourself, listen for Satanic messages, listen to a painting, look for ticks on
the living room carpet, look forward to something, look in all the gratings for
coins, loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car, mail Jerry Falwell a Hustler
magazine, make a deal with the Devil...keep your fingers crossed, make a drive
in window at your local bank, make a lifesized replica of the Statue of Liberty
out of grape jello, make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins, make a schematic
drawing of a rock, make rude noises with your armpits, measure all the
toothpaste in the tubes of two competing brands, mow your carpet, mow your lawn
with a Hoover, mug a stop sign, organize a Twister or limbo stick game at the
office, paint a smile, paint faces on your fingernails and talk to them, paint
stripes on a lake, paint your home day-glo orange, paint your teeth, paint your
windows, paint, park your car with a friend, park your car with a group of
friends, pay a bill with pennies, pay off the national debt with a bad check,
perfect the internal combustion telephone, pinstripe your driveway, place your
cat in hyper-space, plant a shoe, play "Kick the fire-hydrant", play an
instrument you've never seen before, play cards in your swimming pool, play
dead, play dead in swimming pools, play hockey with your little cousin as the
puck, play Houdini with one of your siblings, play nuclear chicken with a small
third world nation, play Pat Boone records backwards, play solitaire for cash,
play tag on the nearest interstate, play tiddly-winks...go for blood, play to
lose, play with matches, play with your food, plot the overthrow of your local
school board, pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed, pretend to be an
alien, pretend to be drunk or stoned, pretend to be The Alien (avoid Sigourney
Weaver), print counterfeit Confederate money, prove Fermat's Last Theorem, prove
once and for all that a cow can jump over the moon, prove your own existence,
purr, put legwarmers on all your furniture, put lighted Exit signs on all your
closets, put out a fire, quiver, race turnips, raise professional racing
ferrets, rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings), re-establish the Roman
Empire in Toronto, read a Harlequine Romance Novel...but only if you're REALLY
bored, read every book in your local library, read Homer in the original Greek,
read the 1962 Des Moines White Pages, read the entire phone book and check who
in your area has a last name beginning with either "Aaaaa..." or "Zzzzz...",
read the financial section of the newspaper to your plants, rearrange all the
produce at the salad bar, rearrange political campaign signs, recite romantic
poetry to your toaster, redecorate your garage, refuse to talk for three days,
regress, request covert assistance from the CIA, revert, ride a bicycle up Mt.
McKinley, ride a loaf of bread, roll over, rotate your garden daily, run around
in squares, run for Pope, sacrifice animals, sand a mushroom, scalp a VW, scare
Steven King, scheme, search for buried treasure in Nebraska, see how long you
can hold your breath, see how many pieces of gum you can chew at once, see how
many teaspoons of water your bathtub holds, see if you really can build a small
nuclear device in your basement, send the president an alarm clock...wind it up
first, send your goldfish to obedience school, set your hair on fire, shadow box
with yourself until you win, sharpen your sleeping skills, sharpen your teeth,
shave a shrub, shave your neighbor's kids or pets, shoot at a fire hydrant, sing
the National Anthem during your calculus final, sit, ski Kansas, skydive to
church, sleep on a bed of nails, smile, solve the population problem (i.e. x +
2y - 16x = population; solve for x), speak in acronyms, speak nothing but
three-letter words for a day, speak with a forked tongue, spell your name in
urine on the sidewalk, spew, sprinkle your family room, stand in front of a
mirror and count your hair, stand on someone else's head, stand on the weight
scale until you lose five pounds, stand on your head, staple, starch your shoes,
start a cult, start an argument, steal hubcaps and put them on other cars,
sterilize your stereo, with Jack Daniels, stop speaking to yourself, subscribe
people to magazines, surf Ohio, sweat, take a picture, take apart all your major
kitchen appliances, take your sofa for a walk, talk to homeless people, talk to
yourself, take a brown-bag lunch and a six pack of cheap beer to an expensive
restaurant, taste household products and record toxicity, tell knock-knock
jokes, test gravity, test thermodynamics, test thin ice with a pogo stick, think
shallow thoughts, think up new state mottos for Maryland, throw a political
party, throw a tantrum, throw an armadillo, throw spitballs at the ceiling and
try to make them stick, tickle a friend, tickle a policeman, tickle yourself,
tie-dye a cat, translate Shakespeare into English, tree a goldfish, try
homo/hetero-sexuality, turn your TV picture tube upside down, twitch, upholster
a table, waffle and then iron, walk on water but DON'T get caught, walk under
falling pianos, walk under ladders, wallpaper your bedroom with junk mail, wash
a tree, watch a car rust, watch milk turn to yogurt, watch paint dry, watch the
grass grow, watch the sun to see if it moves, water your dog to see if he grows,
watch your toenails grow, wax the ceiling, wear a salad, wear your clothes
inside out, whine, wonder, wriggle, write a book about a previous life, write a
letter addressed to "Occupant" to every address on your block, write a letter to
Plato, write a song for a push-button phone, write letters to all the political
officials that are representing you and tell them what a good job they are
doing...on April 1st, yodel on the bus
-= stress humor =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------
You Know It Is Going To Be A Bad Day When...
Every person you ask for job leads says "I wish *I* had some job leads".
Fellow co-workers talk *seriously* about jobs at K-Mart.
People in your department greet each other with "How's the job search?" instead
of "How's it going?"
Talking causes the newly formed zits around your mouth to pop.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife or the
man you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your husband.
There is a '60 Minutes' crew at your office door.
You accidently wash your hair with "Nair".
You call the Suicide Prevention Hotline and they put you on hold.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
You find a completely empty parking lot when you get to work at 9:00 AM.
You find your boss, two higher levels of management, and a security guard
waiting for you when you get in.
You find your office door has disappeared since last night.
You get a paper cut from a get-well card.
You go to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You have an asthma attack on the way to work, and you confuse your inhaler with
with your Mace.
You have to borrow from your Visa to pay off your MasterCard.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better. (Applies mostly to women)
You see the "That's Life" team waiting for you in your office.
You see your picture at the post office with the caption "$100,000 Reward".
You think your toothpaste tastes funny, and upon closer examination find out
that it's Preparation-H.
You turn on the news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You wake up face down on the sidewalk.
You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke; then you remember that you
don't have a waterbed.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your panty hose.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat.
Your car costs more to fill up than it did to buy.
Your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."
Your ex's lawyer calls.
Your four-year-old tells you that it is almost impossible to flush a grapefruit
down the toilet.
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of
Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your income tax rebate check bounces.
Your manager calls you into the office on a Friday.
Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your twin brother/sister forgets your birthday.
Your wife says "Good morning Bill", and your name is George.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
-= stress humor =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------
You Know You're Getting Old When...
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a
second coat.
All your favorite music groups now only have "The Best Of ..." compilation CD's
at the stores.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
Instead of strawberries, you put prunes on your cereal.
It takes you all night to try to do what you used to do all night.
Sex is now on the Quarterly Plan.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
The little old gray-headed lady you help across the street is your wife.
You are finally allowed to stop sucking in your gut.
You are on a first name basis with your proctologist.
You are startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You are still chasing women, but can't remember why.
You are visiting a museum with your grandson and a guard tells him to don't
touch the exhibits.
"You are what you eat" turns out to be true.
You belong to the Bartles & James Wife Swapping Club.
You burn the midnight oil until 9pm.
You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
You get winded playing cards.
You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercised.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You join a health club and don't go.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong
wall.
You have already gone to two Woodstock festivals in your lifetime.
You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
You notice more and more younger drivers waving at you with one finger.
You own the same music recording in 78 RPM, 8-track, cassette tape, 45 RPM, 33
RPM, and Compact Disc formats.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You start answering to "Geezer".
You suddenly notice Bea Arthur has nice legs.
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M. D.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up and down when you see a pretty girl.
Your walker is equipped with an airbag.
-= stress humor =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------
Some French Humor On Aging
Ce qu'on appelait autrefois l'age mur tend a disparaitre. On reste plus
jeune tres longtemps, puis on devient gateux. - Alfred CAPUS (Translation:
What we used to call the age of maturity is tending to disappear. Now we remain
young for a long time and then fall suddenly into senile decay.)
L'age est une grace qu'il faut meriter et non un poids qui nous ecrase. -
Jacques De Bourbon Busset (Translation: Age is a grace that we must earn, not a
weight to crush us.)
Et puis, il ne faut jamais oublier qu'on est toujours le vieux, mais aussi le
jeune de quelqu'un. (Translation: Then, we must never forget that we are
someone's elder as well as someone's junior.)
A vingt ans, la Parisienne est adorable. A trente ans, elle est
irresistible. A quarante ans, elle est charmante, Apres cinquante...Mais non,
une Parisienne ne depasse jamais quarante ans. - Andre Maurois (Translation:
At 20 years, a Parisian woman is adorable; at 30, she is irresistible; at 40,
she is charming; after 50 ... but wait; no Parisian woman is ever past 40!)
La trentaine est un age difficile... La vie est finie, l'existence commence.
- A. Bay (Translation: The thirties are a difficult age. Life is finished;
living begins.)
Les alentours de la trentaine, c'est un age critique pour un homme, celui ou
l'on fait des grosses betises ou plutot l'age ou les betises que l'on fait
commencent a etre irremediables. - Jean Dutourd (Translation: Around 30 is a
critical age for a man, when he begins to make great mistakes, or rather, when
the mistakes he makes begin to be irreparable!)
Personne n'est jeune apres quarante-cinq ans, mais on peut etre irresistible
a tout age. - Coco Chanel (Translation: No one is young after 45, but anyone
can be irresistable at any age!)
Quand j'etais petit, on me disait toujours; "tu verras quand tu auras
cinquante ans". Eh bien m'y voila a cinquante ans. Et je n'ai rien vu. Rien.
- Erik Satie (Translation: When I was small, they said, "When you're 50, you'll
see." Well, here I am 50 years old and I have seen nothing. Nothing!)
Je suis dans le fleur d'un age qui commence a sentir le chrysantheme. - R.
Lassus (Translation: I am in the flower of the age when I begin to smell
chrysanthemums. [Mums are the funeral flower in France. In the USA, we might
say "I smell lilies.])
Les gens de mon age me paraissent plus ages que moi. - Maurice Chapelin
(Translation: People of my age seem older than I am!)
Source: Extraits du petit dictionnaire de l'insolite et du sourire. Posted by
Fabienne Penner Division des Enseignements Institut Le Bel
pen...@adm-ulp.u-strasbg.fr
-= stress humor =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------
Reasons Why Intelligent Beings From Outer Space Will Never Want To Visit Earth
"real simulated oak" pressboard, 17-level voice mail, AIDS, Howard Stern, I.R.S.
tax forms, Lou Gehrig's disease, Rush Limbaugh, abandonment of children and
pets, absentee landlords, acid rain, ads and chain letters on the Internet,
airline food, airliners exploding in mid-air, anal rape, athletes foot fungus,
bad drugs, bad luck, bank failures, bathtub accidents, beefcake worm, being the
only one in the elevator that uses deodorant, birth defects, blind dates, body
lice, breech of contracts, broken glass, broken promises, bubonic plague, buying
"2 for 1" when you really didn't want one, calcium deficiency, carbon deposits,
card sharks, cattle stampedes, chain reactions, charlatans, chemical spills,
child abuse, cluster headaches, contamination of the water supply, continental
drift, corporal punishment, cryptic DOS/UNIX/Windows error messages, daytime
television, defrocked priests, dental visits, depletion of the ozone layer,
diarrhea, discrimination, disgruntled employees and postal workers, divorces,
dry rot, dutch elm disease, dynamite and plutonium proliferation, earthquakes,
entropy, escaped maniacs, eternal damnation, evil neighbors, evil spirits,
failure of will, faithless friends, falling rocks, false advertising, family
scandals, faulty merchandise, financial ruin, flash floods, flesh-eating
bacteria, floods, forest fires, freezing winter days without sunlight for weeks,
genetically altered foods, global warming, greenhouse effect, gridlock, hard
drive crashes, hate groups and organizations, herpes, hotel fires, humans that
have bad gas and don't do anything about it, hurricanes, ill-fitting shoes,
infomercials, insurance salesmen, intestinal bleeding, jealous co-workers, junk
electronic mail, killer bees, killer frosts, labor violence, lawyers who
advertise on television, lightning, locusts, loss of equilibrium, loss of faith,
loss of privileges, loud rap music, lynchings, mail fraud, malpractice suits,
mental instability, metal fatigue, mildew, moral decay, mother-in-laws, mud
slides, mutual assured destruction, nails on the blackboard, neo-nazis,
newspapers delivered promptly every morning on your roof, nine mile fever, not
being able to date anyone in Playboy, not being sure about the Heaven thing,
nuclear accidents, nuclear weapons, nuclear winters, nuisance lawsuits,
obligatory oral sex, obscene phone calls, office politics, on-hold times calling
government offices, on-ramp fruit vendors, organ rejection, paper cuts, paper
cuts from junk mail, paranoia, parasites, pay cuts, peer pressure, people at the
ATM that don't know how to use it, people who don't move at the left turn arrow,
poison meat, political smear tactics, poor workmanship, presidential election
campaigns, price fixing, prickly hot and humid heat, prowlers, public ridicule,
quicksand, rabies, race riots, racism and bigotry to anything that appears
foreign, radar/photo speed traps, rampaging moose, random acts of senseless
violence, rectal exams, religious fanatics, rogue elephants, root canals,
rubbies on Sunday, runaway trains, sand up your ass at the beach,
sensationalized court trials that last for years, serial killers, shipwrecks,
smog so thick you need headlights during the day, snake bites, sneak attacks,
social isolation, soil erosion, solitary confinement, squeegee guys who insist
on washing your windshield, stink bombs, stray bullets, structural defects,
sudden cold shower water in apartments, sunburn, sunspots, taxation without
representation, telephone marketers calling during supper, television
evangelists, terrorism, the breeze up your ass in hospital gowns, the chance of
going to Hell after death, the contraction of the universe, the electricity
going out while you're sitting on the toilet, the wrath of God, threatening
letters, tornados, torture, toxic waste, transverse myelitus, unemployment and
mass lay-offs, ungrateful children, unworthiness, vigilantes, volcanic
eruptions, voltage spikes in the electricity, voodoo curses, water that runs
yellowish brown from your faucet, wax buildup, wayward girls, white slavery,
widespread chaos, wife beatings and killings, wrongful cremation, youth gangs
armed with assault rifles, yuppies in Mercedes
-= stress humor =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------
From Harper's Index:
Average number of days each year that an American is in a bad mood: 110.
Percentage of Americans who are in a good mood every day: 2.
-= stress humor =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------
Microsoft Burnout Prevention And Recovery Program
No longer satisfied with total domination of the software market, Microsoft has
unveiled a new set of nonnegotiable standards for wetware operating systems. The
major elements of Mr. Gates's decree, sent to us via anonymous e-mail, are
listed below, and (pending further notice) apply only to employees of Microsoft,
Inc. (And by the way, if you are a Microsoft employee, why are you reading this
on company time? Put down the damn magazine and get back to work!)
1. Stop Denying.
Listen to the wisdom of your body. Begin to freely admit the stresses and
pressures which have manifested physically, mentally, or emotionally.
Microsoft View: Work until the physical pain forces you into unconsciousness.
2. Avoid Isolation.
Don't do everything alone! Develop or renew intimacies with friends and
loved ones. Closeness not only brings new insights, but also is anathema to
agitation and depression.
Microsoft View: Shut your office door and lock it from the inside so no-one
will distract you. They're just trying to hurt your productivity.
3. Change Your Circumstances.
If your job, your relationships, a situation, or a person is dragging you
under, try to alter your circumstances, or if necessary, leave.
Microsoft View: If you feel something is dragging you down, suppress these
thoughts. This is a weakness. Drink more coffee. ( It's free.)
4. Diminish Intensity In Your Life.
Pinpoint those areas or aspects which summon up the most concentrated
intensity and work toward alleviating that pressure.
Microsoft View: Increase intensity. Maximum intensity = maximum
productivity. If you find yourself relaxed and with your mind wandering, you
are probably having a detrimental effect on the stock price.
5. Stop Overnurturing.
If you routinely take on other people's problems and responsibilities, learn
to gracefully disengage. Try to get some nurturing for yourself.
Microsoft View: Always attempt to do everything. You are responsible for it
all. Perhaps you haven't thoroughly read your job description.
6. Learn To Say "No".
You'll help diminish intensity by speaking up for yourself. This means
refusing additional requests or demands on your time or emotions.
Microsoft View: Never say no to anything. It shows weakness, and lowers the
stock price. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do at midnight.
7. Begin To Back Off And Detach.
Learn to delegate, not only at work, but also at home and with friends. In
this case, detachment means rescuing yourself for yourself.
Microsoft View: Delegating is a sign of weakness. Let someone else do it
(See # 5).
8. Reassess Your Values.
Try to sort out the meaningful values from the temporary and fleeting, the
essential from the nonessential. You'll conserve energy and time, and begin
to feel more centered.
Microsoft View: Stop thinking about your own problems. This is selfish. If
your values change, we will make an announcement at the company meeting.
Until then, if someone calls you and questions your priorities, tell them
that you are unable to comment on this and give them the number for Microsoft
Marketing. It will be taken care of.
9. Learn To Pace Yourself.
Try to take life in moderation. You only have so much energy available.
Ascertain what is wanted and needed in your life, then begin to balance work
with love, pleasure, and relaxation.
Microsoft View: A balanced life is a myth perpetuated by the Borland
Marketing Team. Don't be a fool: the only thing that matters is work and
productivity.
10. Take Care Of Your Body.
Don't skip meals, abuse yourself with rigid diets, disregard your need for
sleep, or break the doctor appointments. Take care of yourself nutritionally.
Microsoft View: Your body serves your mind, your mind serves the company.
Push the mind and the body will follow. Drink Mountain Dew. (it's free.)
11. Diminish Worry And Anxiety.
Try to keep superstitious worrying to a minimum; it changes nothing. You'll
have a better grip on your situation if you spend less time worrying and more
time taking care of your real needs.
Microsoft View: If you're not worrying about work, you must not be very
committed to it. We'll find someone who is.
12. Keep Your Sense Of Humor.
Begin to bring joy and happy moments into your life. Very few people suffer
burnout when they're having fun.
Microsoft View: So, you think your work is funny? We'll discuss this with
your manager on Friday. At 7:00 pm.
-= stress humor =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------
When angry, count to 10 before you speak. If VERY angry, count to 100, and then
go out and take a walk.
-= stress humor =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------
As part of a seminar I recently attended on stress in the workplace, I was given
a packet which included a family stress test. Our family found that all of the
questions fell into what we considered the "wuss" category, and generated our
own family stress test:
Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is
sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.
1. _ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
2. _ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. _ The cat is on Valium.
4. _ People have trouble understanding your kids because they learned to speak
through clenched teeth.
5. _ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
6. _ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people
in the family.
7. _ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.
8. _ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
9. _ You have to check your kid's Day-Timer to see if he can take out the trash.
10. _ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
Scoring:
30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in
your life. Crank it up.
10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but
still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?
0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?
-= stress humor =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------
This came from a bookmark distributed by De Anza College.
How To Stay Stressed
Although the De Anza Health Office long been an advocate of stress management,
stress, tension, and burnout are still common complaints of students, faculty,
and staff alike. On account of this, we have come to the following conclusion:
You all want to stay stressed! The following provides you with a few reasons
why.
Stress Helps You Seem Important
Anyone as stressed as you must be working very hard and, therefore, is probably
doing something very crucial.
It Helps You To Maintain Personal Distance And Avoid Intimacy
Anyone as busy as you are certainly can't be expected to form emotional
attachments to anyone. And let's face it, you're not much fun to be around
anyway.
It Helps You Avoid Responsibilities
Obviously you're too stressed to be given any more work. This gets you off the
hook for all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of them.
It Gives You A Chemical Rush
Stress might be considered a cheap thrill, and you can give yourself a "hit"
anytime you choose. But be careful, you might get addicted to your own
adrenaline.
It Helps You Avoid Success
Why risk being "successful" when by simply staying stressed you can avoid all of
that? Stress can keep your performance level low enough that success won't ever
be a threat.
Stress Also Lets You Keep Your Authoritarian Management Style
The authoritarian style of "Just do what I say!" is generally permissible under
crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis atmosphere,
you can justify an authoritarian style all the time.
Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if you
practice the following clinically proven methods:
Never Exercise
Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.
Eat Anything You Want
Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely
to.
Gain Weight
Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.
Take Plenty Of Stimulants
The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the
job just fine.
Avoid "woo-woo" Practices
Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or
mental imaging help to reduce stress. The Protestant work ethic is good for
everyone, Protestant or not.
Get Rid Of Your Social Support System
Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that concern yourself
with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few
people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
Personalize All Criticism
Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is
mounting a personal attack. Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return
the attack!
Throw Out Your Sense Of Humor
Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.
Males And Females Alike - Be Macho
Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
Become A Workaholic
Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and
weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
Discard Good Time Management Skills
Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then
worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
Procrastinate
Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of
stress.
Worry About Things You Can't Control
Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know,
all the big issues.
Become not only a perfectionist but set impossibly high standards...and either
beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when
you don't meet them.
-= stress humor =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------
I Worry All The Time
I worry about worrying too much. I worry when I'm not worried that there's
something I should be worried about. I worry when I'm worried whether I should
worry about what I am currently worried about or whether I should worry about
something else that worries me, even if I'm not worried about it, but should be
worried about it or at least worry about the fact that I'm worrying about not
possibly having to worry at all, about worrying. <sigh>
-= stress humor =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------
Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it gets you
nowhere.
-= stress humor =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------
A February report from Finland's Health Ministry, concerned about declining
population and a high incidence of stress among workers recommended that people
should take "sex holidays" from work. The proposal was immediately endorsed by
a Lutheran church official in Finland.
-= stress humor =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------
The Non-Stress Diet
From the Tubac Market Matters (Tubac, Arizona)
This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up
during the day.
Breakfast
1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim Milk
Lunch
4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie
Mid-Afternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream
Dinner
2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars
Rules For This Diet
1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat
more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes *never* count. Example: hot chocolate,
brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the
entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example: Milk
Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes
calorie leakage.
8. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and
spoons have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on a knife and ice cream on
a spoon.
Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach
and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Note: Chocolate is a
universal color and may be substituted for any other.
-= stress humor =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------
In November 1993, officials at the Tokyo Sea Life Park aquarium reported that
about 10 percent of its bluefin and yellowfin tuna have developed deformed faces
because of the stress of swimming in a small tank. Large bumps have appeared on
some fishes' faces; other fishes' eyes have become partially dislodged.
-= stress humor =-= 19 =------------------------------------------------------
Pleasure Beats Pain 2-to-1 In Stress Study
By Daniel Goleman
(C) 1994, The New York Times
The small boost to the immune system offered by a pleasant event can persist
as long as two days, while the negative effects of a stressful encounter mainly
take their toll on one day, according to new findings.
And while stresses like a conflict at work can make people more vulnerable to
infectious diseases, so can missing customary pleasures like getting together
with friends, the studies show. The findings add to the growing evidence for
the health consequences of day-to-day events.
"Positive events of the day seem to have a stronger helpful impact on immune
function that upsetting events do a negative one," said Dr. Arthur Stone, a
psychologist at the medical school of the State University of New York at Stony
Brook, who did much of the new research.
In a study of 100 men tracked daily for three months, Stone found that
stresses like being criticized at work weakened immune function on the day they
occurred.
But events like a pleasant family celebration or having friends over enhanced
the immune system for the next two days. The findings will be published in
Health Psychology later this year.
"Having a good time on Monday still had a positive effect on the immune
system by Wednesday," Stone said. "But the negative immune effect from
undesirable events on Monday lasts just for that day."
Because the study involved only ordinary pleasures and stresses, the results
may not apply when life becomes extremely stressful.
-= stress humor =-= 20 =------------------------------------------------------
Moscow - Doctors are blaming a rare electrical imbalance in the brain for
the bizarre death of a chess player whose head literally exploded in the middle
of a championship game.
No one else was hurt in the fatal explosion but four players and three
officials at the Moscow Candidate Masters' Chess Championships were sprayed with
blood and brain matter when Nikolai Titov's head suddenly blew apart. Experts
say he suffered from a condition called Hyper-Cerebral Electrosis or HCE.
"He was deep in concentration with his eyes focused on the board," says
Titov's opponent, Vladimir Dobrynin. "All of a sudden his hands flew to his
temples and he screamed in pain. Everyone looked up from their games, startled
by the noise. Then, as if someone had put a bomb in his cranium, his head
popped like a firecracker."
Incredibly, Titiov's is not the first case in which a person's head has
spontaneously exploded. Five people are known to have died of HCE in the last
25 years. The most recent death occurred just three years ago in 1991, when
European psychic Barbara Nicole's skull burst. Miss Nicole's story was
reported by newspapers worldwide, including WWN.
"HCE is an extremely rare physical imbalance," said Dr. Anatoly Martinenko,
famed neurologist and expert on the human brain who did the autopsy on the
brilliant chess expert. "It is a condition in which the circuits of the brain
become overloaded by the body's own electricity. The explosions happen during
periods of intense mental activity when lots of current is surging through the
brain. Victims are highly intelligent people with great powers of concentration.
Both Miss Nicole and Mr. Titov were intense people who tended to keep those
cerebral circuits overloaded. In a way, it could be said they were literally too
smart for their own good."
Although Dr. Martinenko says there are probably many undiagnosed cases, he
hastens to add that very few people will die from HCE. "Most people who have it
will never know. At this point, medical science still doesn't know much about
HCE. And since fatalities are so rare it will probably be years before research
money becomes available."
In the meantime, the doctor urges people to take it easy and not think too
hard for long periods of time. "Take frequent relaxation breaks when you're
doing things that take lots of mental focus," he recommends.
(As a public service, WWN added a sidebar titled "How To Tell If Your Head's
About To Blow Up:)
Although HCE is very rare, it can kill. Dr. Martinenko says knowing you have
the condition can greatly improve your odds of surviving it. A "yes" answer to
any three of the following seven questions could mean that you have HCE:
1. Does your head sometimes ache when you think too hard? (Head pain can
indicate overloaded brain circuits.)
2. Do you ever hear a faint ringing or humming sound in your ears? (It could
be the sound of electricity in the skull cavity.)
3. Do you sometimes find yourself unable to get a thought out of your head?
(This is a possible sign of too much electrical activity in the cerebral cort
ex.)
4. Do you spend more than five hours a day reading, balancing your
checkbook, or other thoughtful activity? (A common symptom of HCE is a tendency
to over-use the brain.)
5. When you get angry or frustrated do you feel pressure in your temples?
(Friends of people who died of HCE say the victims often complained of head
pressure in times of strong emotion.)
6. Do you ever overeat on ice cream, doughnuts, and other sweets? (A craving
for sugar is typical of people with too much electrical pressure in the
cranium.)
7. Do you tend to analyze yourself too much? (HCE sufferers are often
introspective, "over-thinking" their lives.)
-= stress humor =-= 21 =------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between frustration and panic?
Frustration is the first time you find you can't do something a second time.
Panic is the second time you find you can't do something the first time.
********************************************************************************
-----cut-here--------8<--------cut-here--------8<--------cut-here--------8<-----