Canonical List Of Business And Sales Humor 2/5
Yet Another Canonical Compiler
Ross's Law: Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars
from the floor-especially in the dark.
Rudin's Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.
Rudnicki's Nobel Prize Principle: Only someone who understands something
absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it.
Rule Of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps
you to know the answer.
Ryan's Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish
yourself as an expert.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Schemmer's Law (Organization & Programs): When an organization faces a 20 year
threat, it responds with 15-year programs, organized with 5-year plans, managed
by 3-year directors, and funded by 1-year appropriations.
Simmons's Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of
the distance from the actual event.
SNAFU Equations: 1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1
unknowns. 2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least
available. 3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least
accessible. 4) Interchangeable devices won't. 5) In any human endeavor, once
you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution,
simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 6) Badness comes in waves.
Thoreau's Theories Of Adaptation: 1) After months of training and you finally
understand all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives
with an all-new command structure. 2) After designing a useful routine that
gets around a familiar "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug"
taken away, and you're left with a useless routine. 3) Efforts in improving a
program's "user friendliness" invariable lead to work in improving user's
"computer literacy". 4) That's not a "bug", that's a feature!
Thyme's Law: Everything goes wrong at once.
Universal Technical Document Units Law: Characteristics, specifications,
dimensions, and any other data included in technical documents must be stated in
exotic units, such as "tenth of troy once per barn" for pressures, or "acre
times atmosphere per kilogram" for speeds.
Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to
the amount of work already completed.
Vuilleumier's Laws For Building Electronic Prototypes: First Law - Any pre-cut
equipment is too short; this is specially true of optic fiber cables with
expensive connectors at both ends. Second Law - If n electronic components are
required, n-1 are available. Third Law (also known as "Selective Gravitational
Field") - Any tool escaping manipulator's hands will not necessarily follow
Earth's gravitational field, but will land in the most unreachable location in
the prototype, smashing on its way the most expensive component of the
prototype; this will know only one exception if the tool is particularly heavy,
in which case it will land on the manipulator's foot. Fourth Law - When proteup
first, thankfully leaving the fuses intact. Fifth Law - Prototype npn
blackboxes actually hold pnp transistors, and vice-versa. Sixth Law - A quartz
oscillator oscillates at a frequency off the rated one by a minimum of 25%, if
it does oscillate at all. Seventh Law - When the prototype has been fully
assembled according to lab instructions, a minimum of 11 components are left.
Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is
personally involved, in which case there is only one.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.
Weinberg's Corollary: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
Whistler's Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
charge.
Whitehead's Law: The obvious answer is always overlooked.
William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be
solved by brute strength and ignorance.
Wood's Axiom: As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a
life-or-death situation, the power fails.
Woodward's Law: A theory is better than its explanation.
Zall's Laws: First Law - Anytime you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing
you do will be wrong. Second Law - How long a minute is, depends on which side
of the bathroom door you're on.
Zymurgy's First Law Of Evolving System Dynamics
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------
Augustne's Laws
Norman R. Augustine, president and chief operating officer of Martin Marietta
has written a book (available in paperback) called "Augustine's Laws"in which he
succinctly sums up the pitfalls that confront business managers today.
Law Number I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
Law Number II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it
would probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
Law Number III: There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
Law Number IV: If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
Law Number V: One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the
output. Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average output.
Law Number VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better.
Law Number VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased
business base.
Law Number VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a
cost-estimator is fifth grade arithmetic.
Law Number IX: Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
possible to make trivial ideas profound...Q.E.D.
Law Number X: Bulls do not win bullfights; people do. People do not win people
fights; lawyers do.
Law Number XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers
would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times
as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would
fly off.
Law Number XII: It costs a lot to build bad products.
Law Number XIII: There are many highly successful businesses in the United
States. There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
intermingle the two.
Law Number XIV: After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There
will be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent of every
airplane's weight.
Law Number XV: The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the
cost and two-thirds of the problems.
Law Number XVI: In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just
one aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and Navy
3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be made available to
the Marines for the extra day.
Law Number XVII: Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs
nothing, and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics;i.e., it always increases.
Law Number XVIII: It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not
uncommon to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
ten degradation accomplished.
Law Number XIX: Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase,
there will be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
Law Number XX: In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of
funding approved the prior yearplus three-fourths of whatever change the
administration requests, minus 4-percent tax.
Law Number XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
Law Number XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying
stock, not selling advice.
Law Number XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
currently estimated.
Law Number XXIV: The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most costly action
known to man.
Law Number XXV: A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an
athlete or a new canvas to an artist.
Law Number XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on
each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
Law Number XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of
rank.
Law Number XXVIII: It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
Law Number XXIX:
Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their jobs only
about five years. Those who produce effective results hang on about half a
decade.
Law Number XXX: By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the
answers, the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
Law Number XXXI: The optimum committee has no members.
Law Number XXXII: Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent
means of turning problems into gold, your problems into their gold.
Law Number XXXIII: Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
Law Number XXXIV: The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform
work is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed randomly.
Law Number XXXV: The weaker the data available upon which to base one's
conclusion, the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
the data authenticity.
Law Number XXXVI: The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion
dollar contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other at the
bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
Law Number XXXVII: Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than
you expect. The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so
much.
Law Number XXXVIII: The early bird gets the worm. The early worm....gets eaten.
Law Number XXXIX: Never promise to complete any project within six months of
the end of the year, in either direction.
Law Number XL: Most projects start out slowly, and then sort of taper off.
Law Number XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets.
Law Number XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite
testing.
Law Number XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least.
Law Number XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a
westerly direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
Law Number XLV: One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
unexpected should have been expected.
Law Number XLVI: A billion saved is a billion earned.
Law Number XLVII: Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The
other third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
Law Number XLVIII: The more time you spend talking about what you have been
doing, the less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less until
finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
Law Number XLIX: Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
Law Number L: The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's, but four times as long as the
official's who created it.
Law Number LI: By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be
more government workers than there are workers.
Law Number LII: People working in the private sector should try to save money.
There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------
Paul Dickson's "The Official Rules", with sequel "The Official Explanations". I
quote from "Gilb's Laws of Reliability":
1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
3) The only difference between a fool and a criminal is that the fool will
attack a system unpredictably and on a broader front.
4) A system tends to grow in complexity instead of simplicity, until the
resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.
5) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to their
inherent unreliability.
6) The error-detection and -correction capabilities of any system serve as a key
to understanding the types of errors it cannot handle.
7) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
errors, which by definition are finite.
8) All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise which is impossible.
9) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of
errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work done.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------
First Law of Advice: The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.
First Law of Communication: The purpose of the communication is to advance the
communicator.
Second Law of Communication: The information conveyed is less important than the
impression.
First Law of Innovation Management: Change is the status quo.
Second Law of Innovation Management: Management by objectives is no better than
the objectives.
Third Law of Innovation Management: A manager cannot tell if he is leading an
innovative mob or being chased by it.
Second Law of Decision Making: Any decision is better than no decision.
Third Law of Decision Making: A decision is judged by the conviction with which
it is uttered.
Third Law of Survival: To protect your position, fire the fastest rising
employees first.
Fifth Law of Decision Making: Decisions are justified by the benefits to the
organization, but they are made by considering the benefits to the
decision-makers.
Parallels to Murphy's Law: Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed.
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers. Whenever a
computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------
I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their
lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they
don't need to impress people they dislike. - Emile Henry Gauvreay
-= laws and one-liners =-= 7 =-----------------------------------------------
BOHICA = Bend Over, Here It Comes Again
BOGSAT = Bunch Of Guys Sitting Around Talking = meeting.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 8 =-----------------------------------------------
We, the unwilling, led by the unqualified, have been doing so much, with so
little, for so long, that we are now doing the impossible, for the ungrateful,
with nothing.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 9 =-----------------------------------------------
We, the unwilling, led by the unavailable, are doing the impossible, for the
ungrateful. In fact, we have done so much with so little, for so long, that we
are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------
Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the
things only the young can enjoy.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------
Theories Of Management
Mushroom Theory - Just keep your employees in the dark and feed them bullshit.
Rain Makers - Reward Rain Makers, not Ark Builders.
Ark Builders - Reward Ark Builders, not Rain Makers.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------
Rule for Managers:
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost
his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------
To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it
should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest
unit. Thus, we allocate 2 days for a one-hour task. - Westheimer's rule (from
"The Art of Computer Systems Performance Analysis" by R. Jain)
-= laws and one-liners =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------
To err is human; to debug, divine.
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. - L. Peter Deutsch
-= laws and one-liners =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------
Theory is when you know everything and nothing is working. Organization is when
nothing is working and everyone knows why. Practice is when everything is
working and no one knows why.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------
Take heart, the only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson
Crusoe.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------
When I first started working, I used to dream of the day when I might be earning
the salary I'm starving on now. - from "Humorous Quotes from the Business
World" Successories, Inc.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------
The Information Facts Of Life:
1. Most of the information in organizations, and most of the information people
really care about, isn't on computers. - Thomas H. Davenport, in Saving IT's
Soul: Human-Centered Information Management; The Harvard Business Review:
March-April 1994 pp.119-131
-= laws and one-liners =-= 19 =-----------------------------------------------
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise,
initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it. - George Lois.
================================================================================
== OFFICE AND WORK HUMOR =======================================================
-= office and work humor =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------
What To Do In Awkward Situations
You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a no-no, you:
(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid motion,
bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the fourth joint.
(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize to
the one who makes his nose bleed first.
(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, blow
your nose on your sock.
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January. Your
boss says that nobody but whores and football players live there. He mentions
that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your name.
(b) Ask what position she played.
(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
You are having lunch with a prospective employer and are real close to a job
offer. You are also sitting in a restaurant with the Personnel Manager. This
blonde comes walking in and you just can't stop looking. She is a beautiful
thing and your tongue sloops out and you start drooling onto your Italian silk
tie. You divert the Personnel managers' attention to the blonde and tell him
all the devious things you would do to her if you could get her alone. She
walks straight your way and introduces herself as the Personnel manager's
daughter. You...
(a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
(b) Pretend you have forgotten how to speak English.
(c) Repeat the conversation to the daughter and just hope for the best.
You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your proposal
your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into your coffee.
You:
(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" basket.
This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personal to
various situations. You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate
executives in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. Your
sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass bookcase doors to
shatter and a secretary to pass out. You should:
(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
-= office and work humor =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, what is an empty desk a
sign of?
1) A clean desk is the sign of a frightened mind!
2) A clean desk is the sign of a manager at work?
3) Being terminated.
4) It usually means my mother is visiting again!
5) Having too much work to do in too little time!
6) I suppose it's a sign of someone who's following security regulations.
(I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt.)
7) Actually, it a sign of visiting VIPs.
-= office and work humor =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------
Please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy guidelines...
Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Headquarters
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines
Date: June 16, 1993
Due to fiscal constraints typical throughout the economy, the following
corporate policies are announced regarding HP employees on travel for official
business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing
overhead.
Transportation
--------------
If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will
be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme
circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting
with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by
traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to
Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged.
Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their
departure on company business trips.
Lodging
-------
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on
company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives
should be exploited.
Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of
good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.
Meals
-----
Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be
noted that certain grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and
"Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire
meals can often be obtained in this manner.
Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of,
indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their
destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek
establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially
valuable to employees travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed
one clever group.
Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company
business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed
at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly
preparation.
Entertainment
-------------
Entertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are
required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the
tab". Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer
that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for
him", not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.
Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet
cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in
the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.
Miscellaneous
-------------
All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common
effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already
suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which
could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will
be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for
helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic
roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time
permits.
-= office and work humor =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------
Eastern Airlines once introduced a special half-price fare for wives who
accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials,
the Public Relations department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen
who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters came pouring in asking, "What trip?"
-= office and work humor =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------
The following memorandum was apparently circulated at the L. A. Times:
Los Angeles Times - Intra-Office Correspondence
To members of the Times staff:
Because of the current outflow-inflow revenue imbalances, certain economy
measures are being implemented throughout the newspaper for the duration of the
difficulties. Your cooperation is necessary to help correct the imbalance more
quickly.
Starting immediately:
The Times' travel office has been instructed to book employees in more
economical hotels; as a guideline, for example, any hotel providing mints on
pillows is excluded from this list. For your further guidance, a hotel and
motel guide "Corporate America on $29.95 a day," is being reprinted for
distribution.
Any reporters/photographers traveling together will occupy only one room; for
propriety's sake, they will sleep in shifts, one by day, the other by night. In
case of a dispute over shift assignments, any editor at or above the rank of
assistant metropolitan editor can be called in to mediate.
When traveling, do not purchase local newspapers. These can be obtained from
hotel check-out desks, in the seating areas of coffee shops where they have been
discarded by others, or taken from so-called "street people" sleeping on benches
and sidewalks.
All reporters' notebooks will be issued by the city desk. Any request for
new notebooks must be accompanied by turning in a used one, with all pages
filled on both sides. When taking notes, please use abbreviations wherever
possible; this will help to conserve. The same rule for turning in used items
will hold for pens, and pencil stubs. New cassette tapes will be provided when
old ones are turned in. To obtain further use from your tape recorder
batteries, lick the battery head with the tip of your tongue and reinsert
batteries in tape recorder.
Like first-class travel, first-class postage is now prohibited, except under
extraordinary circumstances. Postcards will be provided through your department
secretary. Any reporter wishing to send items first-class can petition orally
or in writing to the city desk for the necessary stamps.
To avoid wastage of newsprint, street-vendor racks will be installed in the
newsroom and throughout the building. Reporters deemed "need to know" can
obtain coins from the city desk to purchase one (1) newspaper daily; others are
encouraged to bring their newspapers from home, or to purchase them at work
When dining out of town while on company business, employees are encouraged
to follow current Administration guidelines and use catsup as a vegetable.
To aid in our company "balance of payments," this fall, a company sales
program, much akin to the Girl Scouts' cookie sales program, will be instituted.
Times-produced and Times-logo merchandise will be sold by employees in the
course of their other duties, i.e. reporters traveling around southern
California for interviews and research. The Times' marketing division is
preparing "kits," cases containing a sample array of Times merchandise, and
order books. These kits should be available by December 1, and will be
distributed by your supervisor.
To conserve energy, rolling blackouts of computer and electric-light power
will be observed throughout the editorial department. We will try to time these
to avoid any conflict with your department deadlines.
The Times is also instituting a suggestion plan to encourage employees' ideas
on cost-cutting. Employees whose suggestions are adopted will be rewarded with
free meal passes to the company cafeteria.
-= office and work humor =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------
Seen on a hall wall at NASA's Jet Propulsion Labs:
(each letter appears cut out of a magazine and pasted on the paper)
we have your
satellite if you
want it back
send 20 billion
in martian
money. No funny
business or
you will never
see it again
-= office and work humor =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------
The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing,
"All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by
saying, 'I resign.'"
-= office and work humor =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------
Six Phases of Project Management
1 Exaltation
2 Disenchantment
3 Confusion
4 Search for the Guilty
5 Punishment of the Innocent
6 Distinction for the Uninvolved
-= office and work humor =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------
Laws Of Project Management
1. No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, with the staff
that started it. Yours will not be the first.
2. Projects progress quickly until they become 90 percent complete, then they
remain at 90 percent complete forever.
3. One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is that they let you avoid the
embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
4. When things are going well, something will go wrong. When things just can't
get any worse, they will. When things appear to be going better, you have
overlooked something.
5. If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of change will
exceed the rate of progress.
6. No system is ever completely debugged. Attempts to debug a system inevitably
introduce new bugs that are even harder to find.
7. A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to complete than
expected; a carefully planned project will take only twice as long.
8. Project teams detest progress reporting because it vividly manifests their
lack of progress.
-= office and work humor =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------
My Job
It's not my place to run the train
The whistle I cannot blow
It's not my place to say how far
The train is allowed to go
It's not my place to shoot off steam
Nor even clang the bell
But let the damn thing
Jump the track
And see who catches hell!!!
-= office and work humor =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------
Customer Order - The Swing (this is better as a drawing!)
1 As the work order describes it:
A swing from a tree limb supported by 3 ropes, one rope in the middle of the
board seat.
2 As the Engineering Department designed it:
A swing from a tree limb supported by 2 ropes but with 3 seats
3 As the planning group planned it:
A swing, 1 seat, 2 ropes attached to tree trunk, seat on the ground
4 As the shop fabricated it:
A swing, 1 seat, 2 ropes attached to limbs on opposite sides of the trunk,
seat resting against the tree trunk
5 As maintenance installed it:
A swing, 1 seat, 2 ropes attached to limbs on opposite sides of the trunk,
section of the tree trunk removed to allow swing to hang, entire tree top
supported by makeshift poles under the limbs
6 What the customer really wanted:
A tire swing, 1 rope and an old tire.
-= office and work humor =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------
Customer Complaints
You are expensive!
You don't deliver!
You are a pain in the ass to work with!
-= office and work humor =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------
Letters Of Recommendations For Employees
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?
Here are a few suggested phrases:
For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."
For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."
For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."
-= office and work humor =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------
Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those
glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Doesn't suffer fools gladly: Rude and abrasive.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Ideas don't last long in some heads because they can't stand solitary
confinement.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.
-= office and work humor =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------
Dictionary Of Employment Want Ads Terminology
Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.
-= office and work humor =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------
And how about the pill counter who married the bean counter and they produced a
CPA son who could work only one hour before or two to three hours after meals.
-= office and work humor =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------
Management Aptitude
Yesterday my brother Jim was taking a test required for a management job with a
local trucking company. Part of the test involved a verbal section given by
the company employment director (or whatever).
Question:
"You are driving a forklift and 2 men get in your way, what do you do?"
My brother's answer:
"Go for the one with the most seniority!"
-= office and work humor =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------
The 10 If's You Need To Know To Get Along At Work
1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clunks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5) If it's the Boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) if it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, FORGET IT!!!
-= office and work humor =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------
Your Co-worker Could Be A Space Alien...
Here's how you can tell. 10 signs to watch for:
1. Odd or mismatched clothes.
2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits.
3. Bizarre sense of humor.
4. Takes frequent sick days.
5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary.
6. Misuses everyday items. May use correction fluid to paint its nails.
7. Constant questioning about customs.
8. Secretive about personal lifestyle.
9. Frequently talks to himself.
10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech
hardware.
-= office and work humor =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------
Are You About To Employ A Robot?
This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB Psychology Department.
It is intended to be used by companies that are recruiting on campus. With this
test, you can determine whether an applicant you are interviewing is a Liberal
Arts major, a Vulcan/Math major, or a Robot.
Administer the following test to students prior to interviewing them in person:
Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.
1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want ___
1) Shakespeare
2) Math books
3) Fluid oil
2. If I could have any job, I would be a ___
1) Writer
2) Professor
3) McDonald's employee
3. On weekends, I go to ___
1) The beach
2) The library
3) goto 999
4. My favorite hobby is ___
1) Poetry
2) Open math problems
3) Memorizing
5. I have taken ___ English classes.
1) Many
2) Enough to communicate
3) fori=1to++x10goto999
6. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
1) In my head
2) Ask a Vulcan
3) Brute force with a Cray T3D supercomputer
7. What have you learned in school that you value the most?
1) Latin
2) Complex Analysis
3) How to operate my HP-28C
8. In between classes, I like to ___
1) Talk with my friends
2) Study proofs
3) Add numbers on my calculator
9. When I have a report due, I type it on ___
1) My manual typewriter
2) The school's word processor
3) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud
10. Since coming to the university, I have gained many ___
1) Friends
2) Books
3) Calculator manuals
11. The best use of a computer is ___
1) As a door stop
2) For graphing functions
3) As friends
12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get ___
1) A hamburger
2) A twinkie
3) Thrown out
13. What part of speech is "interface"?
1) A noun
2) A noun and a verb
3) Not enough data
14. What do you consider to be paradise?
1) Total happiness
2) Total knowledge
3) Two calculators
15. What type of music do you like?
1) Popular music
2) Classical music
3) Static noise
16. What is your favorite game?
1) Monopoly
2) Chess
3) Data entry races
17. My favorite movie show is ___
1) Ruthless People
2) Star Trek II
3) Short Circuit
18. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would ___
1) Write it on my arm
2) Derive it during test
3) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks
19. The person I marry must have ___
1) Beauty
2) Intelligence
3) An RS232 serial port
20. What I fear the most is ___
1) Death
2) Emotions
3) Water
Results: Add up the values of all your answers and look at the following table.
00-14 Liberal Arts
15-20 Vulcan/Math Major
21-40 Robot
-= office and work humor =-= 21 =---------------------------------------------
This executive was interviewing a nervous young women for a position in his
company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If
you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The girl quickly responded, "The living one."
-= office and work humor =-= 22 =---------------------------------------------
This isn't quite as good, but I know it's true, because I did it:
On one of my first job application forms, in the blank next to "Salary
required", I wrote "yes". (I got the job.)
-= office and work humor =-= 23 =---------------------------------------------
Oral Examination Procedure
The purposes of an oral examination are few and simple. In these brief notes
the purposes are set forth and practical rules for conducting an oral
examination are given. Careful attention to the elementary rules is necessary
in order to assure a truly successful examination. From the standpoint of each
individual examiner, the basic purposes of the oral examination are: to make
that examiner appear smarter and trickier than either the examinee or other
examiners, thereby preserving his self esteem; and to crush the examinee,
thereby avoiding the messy and time-wasting problem of post-examination
judgement and decision.
Both of these aims can be realized through diligent application of the following
timetested rules:
1. Before beginning the examination, make it clear to the examinee that his
whole professional career may turn on his performance. Stress the importance
and formality of the occasion. Put him in his proper place at the outset.
2. Throw out your hardest question first. (This is very important. If your
first question is sufficiently difficult or involved, he will be too rattled
to answer subsequent questions, no matter how simple they may be.)
3. Be reserved and stern in addressing the examinee. For contrast, be very
jolly with the other examiners. A very efficient device is to make humorous
comments to the other examiners about the examinees performance; comments
which tend to exclude him and set him apart (as though he were not present
in the room).
4. Make him do it your way, especially if your way is esoteric. Constrain him.
Impose many limitations and qualifications in each question. The idea is to
complicate an otherwise simple problem.
5. Force him into a trivial error and then let him puzzle over it for as long
as possible. Just after he sees his mistake but just before he has a chance
to explain it, correct him yourself, disdainfully. This takes real
perception and timing, which can only be acquired with some practice.
6. When he finds himself deep in a hole, never lead him out. Instead, sigh,
and shift to a new subject.
7. Ask him snide questions, such as, "Didn't you learn that in Freshman
Calculus?"
8. Do not permit him to ask you clarifying questions. Never repeat or clarify
your own statement of the problem. Tell him not to think out loud, what you
want is the answer.
9. Every few minutes, ask him if he is nervous.
10. Station yourself and the other examiners so that the examinee cannot really
face all of you at once. This enables you to bracket him with a sort of
binaural crossfire. Wait until he turns away from you toward someone else,
and then ask him a short direct question. With proper coordination among
the examiners it is possible under favorable conditions to spin the examinee
through several complete revolutions. This has the same effect as item 2
above.
11. Wear dark glasses. Inscrutability is unnerving.
12. Terminate the examination by telling the examinee, "Don't call us, we will
call you."
-= office and work humor =-= 24 =---------------------------------------------
The following is a selection from a group in Xerox which was put on redeployment
back in 1991 down in El Segundo. Some things seem to stay funny forever.
List Of Quotes To Practice Before Interviewing For A New Job
1. I think A&E is a much nicer building than CP10.
2. Of course I always dress like this!
3. Printers!? Yeah, I saw one once.
4. Money is of no issue.
5. Yes! That job description is exactly what I was looking for.
6. No, I'm not worried about another re-org.
7. Doesn't PSD stand for Printing Something Dumb?
8. I make really good coffee!
9. I definitely prefer the openness of a cubicle.
10. Oh, I think it will be great working so close to the cafeteria!
11. I usually get in around 7:30 A.M.
12. I never take a lunch!
13. I always work on weekends.
14. I definitely would wash you car on the weekends!
-= office and work humor =-= 25 =---------------------------------------------
10 Things To Do If You're Not Motivated To Work
1) Dump the paper clips out of their box and make sure there are 200 of them.
2) Rearrange the icons on your Viewpoint desktop.
3) Re-read one of your old Trip Reports.
4) Backup the Development System files on tape.
5) Go to the lab and eat some jellybeans.
6) Try to figure out why you're not getting any messages from anyone in .WBST or
.ROCHX2, but you know they're sending messages because you're seeing replies
to those messages.
7) Rearrange the file folders in your desk.
8) Shoot the breeze with your boss.
9) Make up Part III of Special K's West Coast Trip Report.
10) Figure out how to submit this list to David Letterman.
-= office and work humor =-= 26 =---------------------------------------------
New Element: Administratium
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists
at the Naval Research Laboratory. The element, tentatively named Administratium,
has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it
does have 1 neutron, 126 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant
vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are
held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally occur in less
than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in
which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange
places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after
such reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government
agencies, large corporations and universities, and can actually be found in the
newest, best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration, can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed
to accumulate, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels
of exposure. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be
controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.
I also hear that the reaction of Administratium with another new element,
TQMium, is fairly unstable. Sometimes chemical bonding occurs and a new improved
compound is formed. Other times the reaction is more violent with excessive
amounts of heat and darkness being generated and the Administratium remaining
unchanged. It is believed that these differences have some relationship to the
number of "holes" in the support provided by the various neutrons. Scientists
are looking into them.
-= office and work humor =-= 27 =---------------------------------------------
Corporate Physical Fitness Program
Notice: XYZ company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone
gets enough exercise:
jumping to conclusions,
flying off the handle,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
and pushing their luck!
-= office and work humor =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------
A recent report by the American Medical Association pointed out that proper
weight control and physical fitness cannot be attained by dieting alone. People
who spend most of their day behind a desk face a particular problem in losing
weight. Too many of these people fail to realize that calories can be burned
off by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous exercises that are common for
office workers:
Calories
Office Activity Burned
---------------------------------------------- --------
Adding fuel to the fire 85
Balancing the books 335
Beating around the bush 75
Beating your head against a wall 450
Beating your own drum 100
Bending over backwards 75
Bending the rules 375
Chewing nails 85
Climbing the ladder of success 750
Climbing the walls 250
Dodging responsibility 80
Dragging your heels 100
Eating crow 190
Fishing for compliments 35
Flying off the handle 225
Going around in circles 320
Grasping at straws 75
Hitting the nail on the head 50
Jogging your memory 125
Jumping on the bandwagon 200
Jumping to conclusions 100
Making mountains out of molehills 500
Passing the buck 25
Patting yourself on the back 25
Pouring salt on a wound 30
Pulling out the stops 100
Pulling strings 180
Pushing your luck 360
Racing against time 300
Running down the boss 130
Spinning your wheels 145
Sticking your neck out 980
Stretching the truth 450
Swallowing your pride 150
Throwing your weight around (depends on weight) 50-300
Tooting your own horn 50
Turning the other cheek 50
Wading through paperwork 300
Wrapping it up at day's end 12
-= office and work humor =-= 29 =---------------------------------------------
I'll share with you my own secret method for moving up the corporate ladder.
It's called the Hindlick Maneuver.
-= office and work humor =-= 30 =---------------------------------------------
"How many are there working at your office?"
"About one third."
"For how long have you been working at that office?"
"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
-= office and work humor =-= 31 =---------------------------------------------
What is the best secretary in the world to have?
One that never misses a period.
How many bosses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to hold the bulb and the world revolves around him.
-= office and work humor =-= 32 =---------------------------------------------
A man goes to one office ans sees there a crying secretary.
"Excuse me, but what is the matter with You?"
"My boss told me that I am not pretty enough to make so many typing errors..."
-= office and work humor =-= 33 =---------------------------------------------
There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that all employees are going to be
required to have lobotomies...at least at the prices we were quoted. - Dilbert
-= office and work humor =-= 34 =---------------------------------------------
Job Schizophrenia
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
-= office and work humor =-= 35 =---------------------------------------------
How do you spell boss backwards?
Double S.O.B.
-= office and work humor =-= 36 =---------------------------------------------
How To Weird Up Your Boss A Little
Readjust his computer terminal so that the focus is just slightly off.
Take his name out of the next issue of the phone book.
Start showing up early for work.
Put a different name on his door.
Change the charts and graphs he is going to use in an important meeting.
Super glue one wheel of his chair.
After you've had an argument, make him shake hands and make up.
Loosen the handles on the drawers of his desk.
Put a resistor in his phone so the volume is REAL low, then, either talk REAL
loud or REAL soft, or alternate.
Send him a memo from the real estate division talking about how much money they
could make by renting out his office.
Transfer his calls to security
Unadjust the horizontal hold on his computer terminal.
If he falls asleep a lot, make moaning and groaning noises till he wakes up.
Transfer everybody's phone calls to his phone.
-= office and work humor =-= 37 =---------------------------------------------
Getting anything work done around here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.
-= office and work humor =-= 38 =---------------------------------------------
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody
could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because
it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody
realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody
told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
-= office and work humor =-= 39 =---------------------------------------------
Who Works
The population of the country is 180 million, but there are 64 million over 60
years of age, leaving 116 million to the work. People under 21 total 59 million
which leaves 57 million to do the work. 31 million Gov't. employees leaves 26
million to do the work. 6 million in the armed forces leaves 20 million
workers. Deduct 17 million State, county, and city employees which leaves 3
million to do the work. There are 2,500,000 people in hospitals, asylums, etc..
leaving 500,000 workers. But 450,000 of these are bums or others who will not
work, so that leaves 50,000 to do the work. Now it may interest you to know
that there are 49,998 people in jail so that leaves just 2 people to do all the
work, and that is you and me, brother, and I'm getting tired of doing everything
myself, so let's get with it!
-= office and work humor =-= 40 =---------------------------------------------
Pay Check
Understanding Your Paycheck:
Gross pay: $1222.02
Income Tax Outgo Tax State Tax Interstate Tax County Tax
244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89 6.11
City Tax Rural Tax Back Tax Front Tax Side Tax
12.22 4.44 1.11 1.16 1.61
Up Tax Down Tax Knicknack Tax Hackensac Tax Thumbtax
2.22 1.11 1.98 3.93 0.98
Carpet Tax Snack Tax Surtax Ma'am Tax Parking Fee
0.69 8.32 3.46 3.46 5.00
No Parking Fee F.i.c.a. T.g.i.f. Life Ins. Health Ins.
10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85 16.23
Disability Ins. Ability Ins. Liability Ins. Dental Ins. Mental Ins.
2.50 0.25 3.41 4.50 4.33
Fundamental Ins. Coffee Coffee Cups Calendar Rental Floor Rental
0.11 6.85 66.51 3.06 16.85
Chair Rental Desk Rental Union Dues Union Don'ts Cash Advances
4.32 4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69
Cash Retreats Overtime Undertime Eastern Time Central Time
121.35 1.26 54.83 9.00 8.00
Mountain Time Pacific Time Daylight Savings Time Time Out
7.00 6.00 4.44 12.21
Oxygen Water Electricity Heat Air Conditioning
10.02 16.54 38.23 51.42 46.83
Misc
169.24
Take Home Pay: $0000.02
(this is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from)
-= office and work humor =-= 41 =---------------------------------------------
From: IRS
Re: Notice Of Tax Increase (Form 1040P)
The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact
that 40% of the time, it is hanging around unemployed; 20% of the time, it is
pissed off; 30% of the time, it is hard up; and 10% of the time, it is in the
hole. On top of this, it has two dependents who are both are nuts. Accordingly,
starting January 1, 1995, your penis will be taxed according to its size. To
determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this
information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.
*12-10 inches - Luxury Tax......$50.00
10- 8 inches - Pole Tax........$30.00
8- 6 inches - Privilege Tax...$15.00
6- 4 inches - Nuisance Tax....$ 6.00
*Males Exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains
Please Note : Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
Please do not request an extension.
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service
-= office and work humor =-= 42 =---------------------------------------------
Management Worker Interface
Here's an interesting view of the management-worker interface, obviously sent
from a denizen of the unbearable white heat of the leading edge of the
technological revolution. Whatever that is.
The Field-Effectiveness Transistor (FET) is a four-terminal, depletion-mode
device shown schematically in Fig. 1
Sales
|
__|
_____| |
Mgmt ()____) |-------Mktg
| |__
|
|
Cust
Figure 1 Basic Structure of the FET.
As you can see, the device acts basically as a switch; when the influence of
Mgmt is removed, a conductive path is established between Sales and Cust on the
Mktg substrate. A negative input from Mgmt causes resistance to build in the
conductive channel. Sales and Cust are isolated from each other and from Mktg,
and all three end up floating. This tends to have a second-order feedback
effect on Mgmt, but does not materially change the device's behavior. The
effect of a positive input from Mgmt has not been observed and is not known.
The Mgmt input is shown on the schematic as a 'pipeline' rather than as a
single pin. This is due to an effect which causes signals from Mgmt to strongly
affect the other three pins, but prevents any signal transmission in the reverse
direction. Physicists have labelled this the "Shit-Flowing-Downhill effect",
after the research team at Solid State University which first described the
phenomenon.
The Field-Effectiveness Transistor has a wide variety of applications,
especially in the surveillance electronics industry, where it is used for
isolation, data encryption and as a noise source. It is also used in nuclear
detonators and marital aids.
-= office and work humor =-= 43 =---------------------------------------------
In an R&D orbit, only two of the existing three parameters can be defined
simultaneously. The parameters are: task, time and resources ($).
1) If one knows what the task is, and there is a time limit allowed for the
completion of the task, then one cannot guess how much it will cost.
2) If the time and resources ($) are clearly defined, then it is impossible
to know what part of the R&D task will be performed.
3) If you are given a clearly defined R&D goal, and a definite amount of
money which has been calculated to be necessary for the completion of the task,
one cannot predict if and when the goal will be reached.
4) If one is lucky enough and can accurately define all 3 parameters, then
what one deals with is not in the realm of R&D.
-= office and work humor =-= 44 =---------------------------------------------
The Saga Of Management Review Of Writing Style
Question: How many feet do mice have?
Original Reply: Mice have four feet.
Management's Comment: Elaborate!
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Management's Comment: No discussion of 5th appendage!
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
Management's Comment: What? Feet with no legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
Management's Comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
Management's Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is
equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with
a foot.
Management's Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful No!
Revision 6: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute
misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
Management's Comment: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the
mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature.
Management's Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
Final Revision Approved By Management: Mice have four feet.
-= office and work humor =-= 45 =---------------------------------------------
The Corporate Structure And Performance Levels
Chairman Of The Board
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.
President
Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch
engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if the sea is
calm. Talks to God.
Executive Vice President
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as
powerful as a switch engine. Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in
an indoor swimming pool. Talks with God if special request is approved.
Vice President
Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with a locomotive. Can fire a
speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.
General Manager
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a
locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog
paddles. Talks to animals.
Manager
Climbs walls continually. Rides the rails. Plays Russian Roulette. Walks
on thin ice. Prays a lot.
Supervisor
Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not
issued ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks to walls.
New Hire
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says "look at the
choo-choo". Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles
to himself.
Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a
single glance. She IS God.
-= office and work humor =-= 46 =---------------------------------------------
How To Evaluate Personnel For Consideration For Job Or Performance
Degree of Performance
------ -- -----------
1 - Far Exceeds Job Requirements
2 - Exceeds Job Requirements
3 - Meets Job Requirements
4 - Needs Improvement
5 - Does Not Meet Minimal Requirements
Area Of Performance
-------------------
Quality Of Work
__ 1 - Leaps tall buildings with a single bound
__ 2 - Leaps tall buildings with a running start
__ 3 - Can leap a short building if prodded
__ 4 - Bumps into building
__ 5 - Cannot recognize buildings
Promptness
__ 1 - Is faster than a speeding bullet
__ 2 - Is as fast as a speeding bullet
__ 3 - Would you believe a slow bullet?
__ 4 - Misfires frequently
__ 5 - Wounds self when handling guns
Initiative
__ 1 - Is stronger than a locomotive
__ 2 - Is as strong as a bull elephant
__ 3 - Almost as strong as a bull
__ 4 - Shoots the bull
__ 5 - Smells like a bull
Adaptability
__ 1 - Walks on water
__ 2 - Keeps head above water under stress
__ 3 - Washes with water
__ 4 - Drinks water
__ 5 - Passes water in emergencies
Communication
__ 1 - Talks to God
__ 2 - Talks with Angles
__ 3 - Talks to himself
__ 4 - Argues with himself
__ 5 - Loses arguments with himself
-= office and work humor =-= 47 =---------------------------------------------
Performance Evaluation
Under the Freedom of Information Act and the Federal Privacy Act of 1974, I
understand that my work performance is being evaluated. I have the right to
review and discuss differences in order to resolve them and I have the right to
request amendment to and/or modification of any document.
Name:________________ Date of review:____________
Knowledge:
1 __ The son of a bitch really knows his shit.
2 __ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
3 __ Only has half a brain and is dangerous.
4 __ Fucking brain damaged. His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.
Accuracy:
1 __ Does excellent work if not preoccupied with pussy.
2 __ Pretty good; occasionally blows it out his ass.
3 __ Has to take off his shoes to count higher than ten.
4 __ Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice.
Attitude:
1 __ Extremely cooperative (kisses ass frequently).
2 __ Brown noser in poor standing.
3 __ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it's his job.
4 __ Doesn't give a shit; never did, never will.
Reliability:
1 __ Really a dependable little cocksucker.
2 __ Can rely on him at evaluation time.
3 __ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door.
4 __ Totally fucking worthless.
Appearance:
1 __ Extremely neat: even combs his pubic hair.
2 __ Looks great at evaluation time.
3 __ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch!
4 __ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him.
Performance:
1 __ Goes like a son of a bitch, if there is money in it.
2 __ Does okay around evaluation time.
3 __ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes.
4 __ Couldn't do less work if he were in a coma.
Leadership:
1 __ Carries a chain saw and gets good results.
2 __ Occasionally gets told to "Get Fucked".
3 __ Mother Theresa tells him to "Get Fucked".
4 __ Couldn't lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat.
-= office and work humor =-= 48 =---------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser?
Depth perception.
-= office and work humor =-= 49 =---------------------------------------------
Ride My Ass
To Whom It May Concern:
The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the
maximum safe load capacity on my butt is 2 persons at a time, unless I install
hand rails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass
today, please take a number and wait your turn.
Thank You.
-= office and work humor =-= 50 =---------------------------------------------
Sayings Involving The F Word
figmo fuck it, got my orders
fubab fucked up beyond all belief
fubar fucked up beyond all recognition/repair
fumtu fucked up more than usual
snafu situation normal, all fucked up
tarfu things are really fucked up
janfu joint army-navy fuckup. (When American troops get shelled by their own
side, in this case involving both the army and the navy. Very
popular in Viet-Nam. There are a whole slew of these involving the
various combinations of services.)
gfu general fuck-up
samfu self-adjusting military fuck-up
sapfu surpassing all previous fuck-ups
susfu situation unchanged, still fucked-up
WOFTAM Waste Of Fucking Time And Money
hua Head up ass
hwua Head way up ass
RTFM Read the Fucking Manual
-= office and work humor =-= 51 =---------------------------------------------
Abusive Language
Management wishes to bring to the attention of all personnel the fact that
some individuals have been using abusive language in the exchange of normal
verbal communications relative to the performance of routine activities on the
premises. This practice must cease immediately.
The following coded list is provided to permit individual freedom of
expression and allow all the outlets of frustration in a clear, concise manner.
It will prove a very effective tool and, if employed properly, will offend no
one with delicate ears. Instead of yelling the obscenity, holler the number
code corresponding to the expletive you wish to express.
To prevent mistaking these communication codes with department numbers and/or
telephone extensions, management has assigned the 800 and 900 series numbers to
be utilized for your convenience and clarity.
801 You gotta be shitting me 831 It won't fucking work
802 Get off my fucking back 832 Go pound sand up your ass
803 Beats the shit out of me 833 Fuck off
804 What the fuck 834 Who called this fucking meeting?
805 It's so fucking bad I can't 835 Fucked up beyond repair
believe it 836 Adios, mother fucker
806 I hate this fucking place 837 Idiot, you don't know your ass from
807 This place sucks first base.
808 Fuck you very much 838 No shit
809 Lovely, simply fucking lovely 839 No fucking shit
810 That damn club 900 Unbefuckingly believable.
811 Damn fuck shit piss 901 Cool it, this is my wife/husband,
812 Get bent keep your mouth shut.
813 Kiss my ass, buddy 902 Take your time, I don't want to be
814 I really don't give a shit stuck with this ass for lunch
815 Fuck it, I'm on salary 903 Help me unload this mother
816 Stick it in your fucking ear 904 Hey baby, let's ball at lunch
817 Piss on the whole fucking project 905 I'm free tonight
818 Fuck it, just plain fuck it 906 Tied up with wife/husband tonight.
819 Hot shit 907 My wife/husband is out of town
820 Hot fucking shit 908 Let's take off sick together
821 Bitchin' 909 Meet you at the motel
822 Tell someone who gives a shit 910 Let's trade fucking partners
823 Don't get so fucking wise 911 Sorry honey, but it's that time
824 I don't give a fuck, so there 912 Will she or won't she?
825 Fuck you in the heart, Jack 913 Will he or won't he?
826 !*&#$%*!, you son of a bitch 914 B.O.B. (Buzz off, bitch)
827 Whatever you say, asshole 915 Answer the fucking phone
828 Who the fuck was that? 916 I'm not a fucking machine
829 What the fuck was that? 917 It's not my fucking job
830 Fuck you too 918 It's none of your goddamn business
-= office and work humor =-= 52 =---------------------------------------------
Politically Correct Office Communication
To All Employees
It has been brought to the management's attention that some individuals have
been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees.
Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct
will no longer be tolerated. The management does however realize the importance
of each person being able to properly express their feelings when communicating
with their fellow employees. Therefore, management has compiled the following
code phrases, so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.
Old Phrase New Phrase
-------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------
No fucking way. I'm not certain that's feasible.
You've gotta be shitting me. Really?
Tell someone who gives a fuck. Perhaps you should check with...
Ask me if I give a fuck. Of course I'm concerned.
What the fuck... I wasn't involved with that project.
Fuck it. It won't work. Interesting behavior.
Who the fuck cares? Are you sure it's a problem?
He's got his head up his ass. He's not familiar with the problem.
Eat shit. You don't say?
Eat shit and die. Excuse me?
Eat shit and die, motherfucker. Excuse me, sir?
Kiss my ass. So you like my help with it?
Fuck it. I'm on salary. I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
Shove it up your ass. I don't think you understand.
This job sucks. I love a challenge.
Who the hell died and made you boss? You want *me* to take care of *this*?
Blow me. I see.
Blow yourself. Do you see?
Another fucking meeting. Yes, we should discuss this.
I really don't give a shit. I don't think that it will be a problem.
Why the fuck didn't you see me sooner? I'll try to schedule this sooner.
When the fuck am I supposed to do this? Perhaps I can work late.
Fuck you How nice, how very nice.
-= office and work humor =-= 53 =---------------------------------------------
Genesis Of Shit - The Plan (ver. 1)
In the beginning was the plan
And then came the assumptions
and the assumptions were without form
and the plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke among themselves, saying "it is a crock of shit, and it stinketh"
and the workers went unto their supervisors and sayeth "it is a pail of dung and
none may abide the odor thereof"
and the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, "it is a
container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by
it",
and the managers went unto their directors and sayeth, "it is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide its strength",
and the directors spake amongst themselves, saying one to another, "it contains
that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong",
and the directors went unto the vice presidents to sayeth unto them, "it
promotes growth and is very powerful",
and the vice presidents went unto the president and sayeth unto him, "this new
plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this company, in
these areas in particular",
and the president looked upon the plan,
and saw that it was good, and the plan became policy.
This is how Shit Happens.
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