Wanted: CUCUMBER jokes
Christopher Jon Petit
I decided the best thing to do would be to post it. Enjoy the list.
101 WAYS WHY WOMEN PREFER CUCUMBERS TO MEN
1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get too excited.
5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is
before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to
check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see the movie.
12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and you can stay in the front
seat.
13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.
14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send you out for Milk Duds.
15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
16. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?".
17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache.
23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is.
24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.
25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent.
26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.
27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't:
...want to shake hands and be friends.
28. ...say, "I'll call you a cab".
29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind.
30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind.
31. ...call his ex-wife or therapist.
32. ...take you to confession.
33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore.
35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu
season.
40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest.
44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.
45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
47. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.
48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots
on.
49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with
fruits & nuts.
50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
53. Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many
times?"
54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair
Dresser.
55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group.
56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.
58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or speculate about your next
one.
59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the
refrigerator.
60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.
61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on
the pillow.
63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey.
64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't have to sleep on the wet
spot.
65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold.
70. Cucumbers don't count to 10.
71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
72. A cucumber will never leave you ...
...for another woman.
73. ...for another man.
74. ...for another cucumber.
75. A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey", and then
come home smelling like another woman.
76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.
77. You always know where a cucumber has been.
78. A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.
80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
82. You won't find out later that your cucumber ...
...is married.
83. ...is on penicillin.
84. ...likes you - but loves your brother.
85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.
87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion.
88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family.
94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School.
95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
97. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
98. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or
Orthodox Vegetarian.
99. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or
seek custody of anything.
101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.
--
"Protect endangered species! Contribute to the Exxon Supporter's Fund!"
"Pay no attention to that little man behind the keyboard."
"A drop of love can prevent the spilling of oceans of blood."
"The greatest beauty in the world is beauty that is private."
Darrell R Goffinet
OK. In my first attempt at posting anything, I shall try to share a
list of horror movie character survival tips created by myself and friends.
Remember that if huge parts are missing, it's because I'm incompetent. You
have been warned.
HORROR MOVIE CHARACTER SURVIVAL TIPS
1. If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so
immediately.
2. Never take a bath or shower with an MSDC (maniac/spirit/demon/creature)
in the house.
3. When it appears that you have killed the MSDC, DO NOT check to see if
he/she/it's really dead.
4. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetary, or people
in the past have performed necrophilia in your house, move away immediately.
5. If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin spewing
body fluids, it's time to move out.
6. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
7. Don't look under the bed.
8. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
9. If tree's, TV's, or other objects try to consume your children, save as
many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.
10. If relatives or pets come back from the dead, stay as far away from them as posible.
11. If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent and leave the area.
12. If you've hidden from the MSDC and you are not found, do not peek from or leave your hiding place, for you are only further endangering yourself.
13. Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."
14. It is VERY, VERY dangerous to back into or through rooms.
15. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their
own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run
NOTE: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate
them, so be prepared.
16. When you have the benefit of numbers, *NEVER* pair off or go it alone!!!
17. Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.
18. If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave
the area as soon and as quickly as possible.
19. If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before
someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.
20. If you've just finished running over the MSDC inyour car, keep going.
Most certainly DO NOT get out of the car to see if he/she/it's really dead.
21. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
22. Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal
nightmares.
23. Never stand in,on,above,below,beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.
24. Never stand in.on,above,below, beside or near a window, especially
those that appear that they would break easily.
25. Do not lay, sleep, or have sex on bloody mattresses.
26. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out
that it's just the cat, LEAVE THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY ELSE YOU WILL QUICKLY DIE.
27. If your child starts having sex with crosses, does head spins, or
tends to projectile vomit filth, leave immediately.
28. If appliances start operating by themselves, leave the area immediately.
29. Do not take anything from the dead.
30. If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.
31. If the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders,
deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurences, leave.
32. If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself
still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.
33. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason.
Take the hint and stay away.
34. If the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.
35. If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area.
36. Never pick up a hitchiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus.
37. Don't food with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know
what you are doing.
38. Make sure that your weapon is loaded before you try to use it.
39. Never have sex in haunted houses, especially with extradimensional
beings.
40. Never put your back to or lean on a door.
41. Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.
42. Never speak to clowns in sewers.
43. Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they
are supernatural beings.
44. If you're running from the MSDC, expect to trip and/or fall down at
least twice, more if you are of the female persuaion.
45. If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblence to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.
46. Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
47. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
48. Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.
49. Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in stock.
50. Finally, beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, soldering irons, stun guns, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, catapults, tactical warheads, high-powered rifles, gophers, food processors, gophers in food processors, lambchops, axes, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, tanks, any weapon resembling Margaret Thatcher, Alludium q-36 explosive space modulators, or any weapon made fr
om deceased companions.(Whew!)
Well, I hope you've enjoyed. Know that this surely doesn't cover everything, which is the reason I'm posting it. I know that there are many other people who are demented enough to want to try to add to the list. Additions, clarifications, flames (tho why you'd bother is beyond me...), questions about my sanity or profound lack thereof, or any other form of communication which you deem necessary are more or less welcome.
G'bye now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darrell R. Goffinet goff...@stable.ecn.purdue.edu
"Jelly is good on toast."----The Goosetown Trilogy Part I
Tom Gwitt
> Here goes.....
>
> OK. In my first attempt at posting anything, I shall try to share
a
> list of horror movie character survival tips created by myself and
friends.
> Remember that if huge parts are missing, it's because I'm incompetent.
You
> have been warned.
>
> HORROR MOVIE CHARACTER SURVIVAL TIPS
>
>
>
> Well, I hope you've enjoyed. Know that this surely doesn't cover
everything, which is the reason I'm posting it. I know that there are
many other people who are demented enough to want to try to add to the
list. Additions, clarifications, flames (tho why you'd bother is beyond
me...), questions about my sanity or profound lack thereof, or any other
form of communication which you deem necessary are more or less welcome.
>
> G'bye now.
>
Here's one:
51. If your friends go into a barn one by one DON'T GO IN THE BARN!!!
Leave ASAP.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
------
> Darrell R. Goffinet goff...@stable.ecn.purdue.edu
>
> "Jelly is good on toast."----The Goosetown Trilogy Part I
--
"Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely."
- Lord Acton
Tom Gwitt gwi...@alleg.edu
Al Donaldson
>51. If your friends go into a barn one by one DON'T GO IN THE BARN!!!
52. Never, ever, move to Cabot Cove.
Al
pgunt...@desire.wright.edu
> Recently somebody re-posted the classic "How is Beer better than a Woman".
>
> I am interested in getting a copy of "How is a Cucumber better than a Man".
>
> If you could e-mail me, I would be grateful. Thanks.
Me too?
john bell
> In article <1993Feb2.1...@noose.ecn.purdue.edu>
> goff...@rye.ecn.purdue.edu (Darrell R Goffinet) writes:
>> Here goes.....
>>
>> OK. In my first attempt at posting anything, I shall try to share
> a
>> list of horror movie character survival tips created by myself and
> friends.
>> Remember that if huge parts are missing, it's because I'm incompetent.
> You
>> have been warned.
>>
>> HORROR MOVIE CHARACTER SURVIVAL TIPS
>>
> [ 1-50 deleted ]
>>
>>
>> Well, I hope you've enjoyed. Know that this surely doesn't cover
> everything, which is the reason I'm posting it. I know that there are
> many other people who are demented enough to want to try to add to the
> list. Additions, clarifications, flames (tho why you'd bother is beyond
> me...), questions about my sanity or profound lack thereof, or any other
> form of communication which you deem necessary are more or less welcome.
>>
>> G'bye now.
>>
>
> Here's one:
> 51. If your friends go into a barn one by one DON'T GO IN THE BARN!!!
> Leave ASAP.
>
52. If your car runs out of petrol on a dark, stormy night...DO NOT GO TO THAT
HAUNTED LOOKING HOUSE TO ASK TO USE THE PHONE
53. If you hear noises coming from an empty cupboard, DO NOT go and look saying
'i wonder what that could be'
54. When driving at night, do NOT stop and investigate that strange light
coming from nearby woods
55. When being chased through a town, try to avoid running down that dark alley
in the hope of escaping, because the thing chasing you will undoubtedly
materialise at the other end and kill you
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------
>> Darrell R. Goffinet goff...@stable.ecn.purdue.edu
>>
>> "Jelly is good on toast."----The Goosetown Trilogy Part I
>
>
> --
> "Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely."
> - Lord Acton
> Tom Gwitt gwi...@alleg.edu
--
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| ++ 102 Roods |
| M I L A N ! ! ! ! ! ! ++ Kirriemuir |
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| D U N D E E ! ! ! ! |
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| e-mail : mcsd...@dct.ac.uk.dundee institute of technology |
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Greg Goebel
on you, even though it is only shuffling along in a spastic fashion.
(This is actually not such an ineffectual trick in horror movies, since
it's a common element in actual nightmares.)
BTW, I tidied up the main list and passed it around. Multiple thumbs up.
Wile E. Coyote at the Acme Online Support Organization For The SouthWest
"ACME -- The Name You Can Trust!"
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Torsten Wesley Adair
Loemban Tobing MSD
could someone please repost/email it ?
Martin
--
-- Martin S.D. Loemban Tobing -- INTERNET: msd...@cs.vu.nl
--
Markku Herd
the following:
1) Chop his head(s) off (if he has any)
2) Fill his mouth(es) with garlic
3) Chop him in teeny-weeny pieces
4) Burn the pieces to ashes
5) Hammer the ashes flat with a huge, erm, hammer
6) Pack every little piece of ash in separate containers
7) Get these containers as far from each other as possible
8) Move away, change your identity, face and personality
9) Commit suicide - just to piss him off when he comes again
for you in the unavoidable sequel