Canonical Clinton Jokes [LONG]
Nathan Mates
(Everything in one archive)
Note:
This list is being maintained by Nathan Mates, nat...@cco.caltech.edu, or
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message remains intact. The entire collection of Clinton Jokes can be found by
ftp from ftp.cco.caltech.edu in the pub/humor/political directory.
Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have
in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher...
Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the
Clampents?
A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.
>" The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United
>States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction
>of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors."
>So what are you accusing Clinton of? Please be specific. As I said we
>haven't had a good flame war in a while and writing "He just sucks" might
>be guaranteed free speech but it is probably wouldn't stand up in court.
Hmm....High Crimes and Misdemeanors, eh? How about impersonating a leader?
Intent to defraud the American people? Adultery (which I am sure was still
on the books in Arkansas at the time of his escapades)?
>a 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set?
With hair like Clinton's, two hundred bucks isn't ENOUGH to make it look
right.
"Death, Taxes, and Democrats will always be with us, at least Death never
gets any worse" ... A Wise Man......
Why doesn't Clinton have the courage to call his plan what it really is?
"Socialism"
"I want to focus like a laser beam on the economy"-- Bill Clinton.
With some spelling mistakes, what does this become?
Bill Clinton's definition of LASOR: "Little Attention Spent On Recession"
Or alternatively: "Latest Administration Screws Our Retirement"
[On the claim that "lying" should be grounds to nullify an election:]
"If that's the standard, President Clinton could get the death penalty
at this point." -- Jay Leno
Military investigators finally found the reason for the
Presidential helicopter crash. The helicopter, which had
been used by Clinton on his trip to the aircraft carrier
Theodore Roosevelt, went down last week in Maryland,
killing four crew members.
Yeah, they found pieces of Bill's hair in a bearing assembly...
Air Force One crashes, instantly killing President Clinton, Vice
President Gore, and their wives. Being the very important people that
they are, St. Peter greets them personally at the Pearly Gates and
informs them that they have been granted an audience with God. They
are lead by St Peter to a tremendous thrown room. The Supreme Being,
of course, is seated upon the thrown.
"And who might you be?" God asks of the Vice President.
"I am Albert Gore Jr, Vice President of the United States of America".
"Ah, yes. You have done much for the environment. Love your work.
Come sit on my left. And you there, who are you?"
"Your holiness, I am William Jefferson Clinton, President of the
United States."
"Right. You are a brave man who has confronted some difficult issues.
Come sit on my right. Now, who might you be?"
"My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton and YOU are sitting in MY seat."
Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
A: He won't pay her $300.
_The Star Spangled Banner_
(revised for co-president Bill)
Oh, say can you see, a Clinton presidency?
Where we all get poor
Albeit e-qual-ly
Whose broad is he sleeping with?
Did he inhale or just take a whiff?
Character's not an issue,
Make Ted Kennedy president.
From the White House West Wing
You can hear Flowers scream
And the guv'ment's red ink
Gets worse with each week.
Oh, say does Billy Clinton remind you of Jimmy?
In the land of free health care and no GNP.
---Ralph D. Taite
---BTW, the President won't get mad about this will she, Bill?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are some memos found in the trash behind the primary building of
the FBI (Federal Bureau of Incompetents) in Washington, D.C. They're
probably classified information, and possession of them on your computer
system no doubt is considered a federal offense. Enjoy!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
This small Wacko cult isn't giving in. Do you have any instructions?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Try playing "Feelings" over and over again 24 hours a day. That should
get the point across.
The Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, playing "Feelings" over
and over again 24 hours a day has succeeded only in convincing the Wacko folks
that the end of the world is at hand. They're a bit less cooperative now.
Any more suggestions?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Add searchlights at night. And add to the playlist something by
The Partridge Family.
Still The Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
They like the Partridge Family.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Sickos.
STD
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We're getting bored out here. Can we go in now?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Not until we've wiped their reputation a bit. Notify the reporters
about Koresh's sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
The Director and Producer
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We have no substantiated reports of sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Do you have a point?
The Brilliant
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
Unsubstantiated rumors of baby frog abuse will not withstand scrutiny.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
What scrutiny are you expecting, agent? Who's going to stand up for
a cult leader who's abused baby frogs?
Better than Brilliant
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We've had a tiny accident at the compound.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
How tiny?
Better than Brilliant,
but slightly Worried
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
It kind of like, burned down. Sort of. Sir.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Notify the press the cultists committed mass suicide by burning down
their compound.
Brilliant, Almost Godlike
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We haven't gathered any evidence at all yet, let alone of
a mass suicide.
Pretty Good Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Do you have a point?
Try to remain more formal in your memos.
The BAG Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
No sir, thank you sir.
Agent 2x3276
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: President Billy Bob Clinton
Will:
What the hell are you folks doing over there?
Bill
To: President William Clinton
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Sir:
Just doing our best to maintain law and order on a cult of
baby-frog-abusing Partridge Family fans, sir.
Director Sessions
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: President Billy Bob Clinton
Will:
Oh. Okay.
Mr. Bill
To: Members of the Press
>From: President William Clinton
Dear Members of the Press:
The FBI has informed me of a tiny error they've made. I take full
responsibility. It wasn't my fault.
The President
______________________________________________________________________________
Why is it more dangerous than normal to sit next to Bill Clinton
while he's smoking?
The smoke is still firsthand!
Why doesn't Hillary wear mini skirts around the White House?
Answer: Because her balls show.
Re: Spy Magazine: CLINTON'S FIRST 100 LIES
I'm waiting for "Penthouse Magazine: CLINTON'S FIRST 100 LAYS".
Seems like a natural for The Great Fornicator.
Clinton was also asked to explain a remark he made to Russian President
Boris Yeltsin at their April 3-4 summit. He reportedly said,
``When the Japanese say yes to us, the often mean no.''
During a picture-taking session in the Oval Office, Miyazawa attempted
to defuse the situation by jokingly pointing out that ``every language
has its own peculiarity.''
Smiling, Clinton told the news conference, ``I don't know what I meant
anymore.''
Gee, anyone think that sounds like something that our revered and
honored prez would say?
After today's coroner's report we may learn that David Koresh
"smoked but didn't inhale"!
99. "If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, I would appoint him Secretary of
State. And then I would suggest to Senator Gore that two of us resign
so he could become president."
- Of course, Slick Willie apparently doesn't realize that in such a case,
the Speaker of the House would become President first.
- If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, Clinton would be the Governor of
Arkansas!
What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face
Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer
Clinton is not a "tax and spend" Democrat, he is a "contribute and invest"
democrat.
UPI - NEWS FLASH!
After agonizing for several days over the situation in former Yugoslavia
where ethnic Serbs, Bosnians, and Muslims are engaged in a fierce civil
war, President Clinton today announced that he is strongly in favor of
diversity.
THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary
For Immediate Release April 27, 1993
EVENTS ON THE PRESIDENT'S SCHEDULE FOR
TUESDAY, APRIL 27, 1993
11:30 am EDT THE PRESIDENT ADDRESSES THE ANNUAL MEETING OF THE
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF REALTORS, Sheraton
Washington Hotel, Washington, DC
4:30 pm EDT THE PRESIDENT GREETS THE MENS AND LADIES NCAA
BASKETBALL CHAMPIONS, The White House, Washington,
DC
UPCOMING EVENTS ON THE PRESIDENT'S SCHEDULE
Friday, April 30 The President Introduces
National Service program
Saturday, April 31 The President Delivers Weekly
Radio Address to the Nation
###
Hmm, April 31st. Should be a great speech. Glad to see part of
Clinton's cost cutting included calendars for his staff.
In a NBC Evening News report on the homosexual march on Washington
this weekend, one lady (Dee Mosbacher?) commented on the President's
unwillingness to march with the homosexuals.
"I think," she said, "if a million saxophone players showed up
outside the White House, he'd go out there and blow a few notes."
Maybe the group was just expecting too much..
Subject: Clinton on Tailhook Affair.
After reading the investigation report Clinton remarked,
"Maybe draft dodging was not such a good idea!"
George: (In southern drawl) Say there Mr. Clinton, I hear you and the misses
are getting divorced.
Billy: What ever gave you that idea?
George: Why it says right here in the newspaper.
Billy: Let me see that...It's says I threw out the first pitch on Apr. 3rd.
-----
Seen on a bumper sticker this morning on I-285:
Honk if Bill Clinton says you're rich!
Heard this one this morning on the radio.
It's been discovered that Clinton is a test tube baby...
Apparently, he wasn't worth a f*ck back then either!
Subject: New Bumper Sticker seen in D/FW
First Hillary
Then Gennifer
Now US.
The White House
Office of the Press Secretary
-----------------------------------------------------------------
For Immediate Release April 19, 1993
STATEMENT OF PRESIDENT CLINTON
I am deeply saddened by the loss of individual income tax
contributions in Waco today. My thoughts and prayers
are with the families of David Koresh's victims. I too, know
what it feels like to be hiding from the federal government.
The law enforcement agencies involved in the Waco siege
recommended the course of action pursued today. The Attorney
General informed me of their analysis and judgment and
recommended that we proceed with today's action given the risks
of maintaining the previous policy indefinitely. I still don't
know what those risks are. I told the Attorney General "Hell yeah,
go with it!......Pass the bong, Chelsea."
Heard on Rush Limbaugh:
Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.
On the 4/23/93 Tonight show, Jay Leno noted in his monologue that Clinton
had broken so many promises that he has actually run out of promises to
break! So he has asked his aids to bring him a list of all of Reagan's and
Bush's promises so he can start working on breaking their promises too!
Clinton's riding a horse, and hears someone shout "Hey, look at the prick
on that horse!" When he gets home, he takes a look & sees he's been
riding a mare.
Hillary's right-hand man, who got her the nomination in 1992 & was
governor for a long time, was a dope-smoking man named Bill
Clinton. One night, a burglar broke into the White House &
surprised Hillary in bed. Brandishing a gun, he told Hillary to
put her head under the covers & not make a sound. Hillary scrunched
down, but that made her ass stick out the side. The burglar said
"That goes for you too, Bill!"
Comparison of last 2 Democratic presidential candidates:
DUKAKIS CLINTON
% Of Vote Received 45 43
Military Experience rode around in a "TANK!? WHERE??"
tank, looking like
an idiot
Wife Kitty Shitty
Running-Mate's Wittiest "You're no Jack "Bill Clinton and I
Comment in VP Debate Kennedy" believe that
<insert your favorite
asinine comment here>"
Considered Too Passionless? Yes Just ask Gennifer...
>"Read my Lips, no new taxes! That is of course until I
>want to buy enough bombs to destroy Mars, and Venus, along
>the earth 47.5 times over."
Excuse me, but if I remember correctly (and I do!), Bush did not want to raise
taxes, but the Dummycrats in Congress pressured him into it.
When asked about his complete economic plan, Clinton said that Socks ate it.
From a study by the Minot branch of the Limbaugh Institute for Advanced
Conservative Studies:
A Comparison of the Last Presidential Candidates
George Bush Bill Clinton
----------- ------------
War Record Fighter Pilot Draft Dodger
Drug Usage Thyroid Medication Pot Smoker
Extramarital Affairs None 1000
Greatest Achievement Ended Cold War Gennifer Flowers
Position On Viet Nam Support of Country "The What?"
Position On Taxes Proposed Tax Cut Raise Em Baby!
Foreign Affairs Experience To numerous to mention Once Dated A
Mexican Girl
Favorite Song God Bless The USA To All The Girls
I've Loved Before
Church Episcopalian Red Brick
Favorite Vegetable Tomatoes Al Gore
International Experience Ambassador to China Moscow
UN Ambassador Troublemaker
Military Leadership Commander In Chief Former Captain of
Paintball team
Ticket Name Bush/Quayle 92 Bubba1/Bubba2
Least Favorite Food Broccoli Draft Beer
Abortion Bill Against It Paid It
Closest Brush With Death Shot Down in WWII Hillary
Came Home Early
Favorite Actor John Wayne Rob Lowe
Favorite Baseball Team Braves Dodgers
Favorite Bill Job Training 2000 Himself
Anti-Drug Policy Just Say No Don't Inhale
Looking Forward To Ending Recession Legalizing Prostitution
Reporter: Did you meet Satan during your 1992 campaign swing through Georgia?
Clinton: No I didn't...inhell.
Captain Kirk and an away team down to Earth after going through a time
disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clinton's
inaugural ball. They look around, and Kirk says;
"Beam us up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here."
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was
jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about
them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
The United States of America
presents
The Not Ready For Prime Time Administration
Starring HILLARYYYYY CLINTON
Co-starring her smiling husband, Billie Jeff
And Featuring
Donna "Poltergeist Psychic" Shalala
Robert "don't need the leg room" Reich
Ron "didn't pay social security either" Brown
Roberta "never met a woman she didn't like" Auchenberg
Janet "never met a man she did like" Reno
Warren "lied to Congress too" Christopher
Lloyd "agreed with Dukakis too" Bentsen
George "he'll say anything" Stephanopoulos
Dede "what's my job" Meyers
Hazel "who's she" O'Leary
And the all Male chorus line from the Little Getcher Hard Rocks
Off Cafe
(c) Matt Giwer
Read in Car and Driver.
I've heard of the Clintons being referred to as Billary, combining Bill and
Hillary.
Well, why not switch it around and say "Hillbilly"... Hey! That fits all too
well.
And please I mean no offense to the President. Or her husband.
From The Simpsons, April, 1993
<Bart> Didn't you think there was something wrong when you were
+getting checks for doing nothing?
<Grandpa> I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.
"Jimmy Clinton's Blues"
written by Les Aspin Doctors
Well I don't know how to tell you this
A taxing day in Metropolis
I think I'll talk to my market analysts
Don't want to hear it from the journalists
More taxes coming and there's the proof
Bill and Hilly under the White House roof
I think we're all going down the drain
You know Congress ain't gonna feel his pain
Hillary's gonna put you in her plan
Don't close those doors now, no don't kill Superman
Come downtown and party with me tonight
I got a pocket full of Clintonite
Bill's breaking budgets in a single bound
He's making promises he can't live down
Give his policies four years and we'll all be free
He's Jimmy Carter not Bill Clinton, you'll see
He's been to Moscow, traveled the world
He's the one who got elected, but the President's
a Wellsley girl
Don't believe his New Democrat spiel
I know he'll borrow what he can't steal
THE DECLARATION OF CLINTONDEPENDENCE...
(with original words from Declaration of Independence in UPPERCASE...
as transcribed by jPm)
WHEN IN THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS, IT BECOMES NECESSARY
FOR ONE PEOPLE <or a multicultural society> TO DISSOLVE THE
POLITICAL BANDS WHICH HAVE CONNECTED THEM TO ANOTHER, AND TO
ASSUME AMONG THE POWERS OF THE EARTH, THE SEPARATE AND EQUAL
<,yet culturally diverse,> STATION TO WHICH THE LAWS OF NATURE
AND OF NATURE'S GOD <nature> ENTITLE THEM, A DECENT RESPECT
TO THE OPINIONS OF MANKIND <peoples of political incorrectness>
REQUIRES THAT THEY <the patriots of change> DECLARE THE CAUSES
WHICH IMPEL THEM TO THE SEPARATION.
WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT THAT ALL MEN
<especially womyn> ARE CREATED EQUAL <and therefore entitled
to tailor-made bludgeons of litigation for the enhancement of this
equality>, THEY ARE ENDOWED BY THEIR CREATOR WITH CERTAIN
INALIENABLE RIGHTS, THAT AMONG THESE ARE LIFE, LIBERTY,
AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS, <and government provided retirement
benefits and government provided shelter and government provided food
and government provided unemployment insurance and government
provided education and government provided health care ...>--THAT
TO SECURE THESE RIGHTS, GOVERNMENTS ARE INSTITUTED AMONG MEN
<and maintained by bean-counted people to provide proportional
representation of every distinguishable human attribute>, DERIVING
THEIR JUST POWERS FROM THE CONSENT OF <43% of> THE GOVERNED
<which includes the recipients of the said inalienable rights>,
THAT WHENEVER ANY FORM OF GOVERNMENT BECOMES DESTRUCTIVE OF THESE
ENDS <viz: providing the complete livelihoods of the citizens>,
IT IS THE RIGHT OF THE PEOPLE <all 43%> TO ALTER OR TO ABOLISH IT,
AND TO INSTITUTE NEW GOVERNMENT, LAYING ITS FOUNDATION ON SUCH
PRINCIPLES <or lack there of>, AND ORGANIZING ITS POWERS IN SUCH
FORM, AS TO THEM SHALL SEEM MOST LIKELY TO EFFECT THEIR SAFETY
AND HAPPINESS <and transfer wealth to them>. PRUDENCE, IN DEED,
WILL DICTATE THAT GOVERNMENTS LONG ESTABLISHED SHOULD NOT BE
CHANGED FOR LIGHT AND TRANSIENT CAUSES <but, rather for the catchy,
undefined slogan of "Change!">; AND ACCORDINGLY ALL EXPERIENCE HATH
SHOWN THAT MANKIND ARE MORE DISPOSED TO SUFFER <evils such
as self sufficiency>, WHILE EVILS ARE SUFFERABLE , THAN TO RIGHT
THEMSELVES BY ABOLISHING THE FORMS <of self sufficiency> THEY ARE
ACCUSTOMED <and replacing them with "a free ride on the government
gravy boat">. BUT WHEN A LONG TRAIN OF ABUSES AND USURPATIONS
<i.e. the longest economic boom in U.S. history while competing against
the most competitive economic world market in history >, PURSUING
INVARIABLY THE SAME OBJECT, EVINCES A DESIGN TO REDUCE THEM UNDER
ABSOLUTE DESPOTISM <such as encouraging individual success rather than
collective dependence on government>, IT IS THEIR RIGHT, IT IS
THEIR <patriotic> DUTY, TO THROW OF SUCH GOVERNMENT, AND TO
PROVIDE <contributions and> NEW GUARDS FOR THEIR COLONIES;
AND SUCH IS NOW THE NECESSITY WHICH CONSTRAINS THEM TO ALTER
THEIR FORMER SYSTEMS OF GOVERNMENT. THE HISTORY OF THE PRESENT
KING OF GREAT-BRITAIN <usa> IS A HISTORY OF REPEATED INJURIES
AND USURPATIONS <and refusal to acknowledge and protect the
inalienable right to receive wealth redistribution payments>,
ALL HAVING IN DIRECT OBJECT THE ESTABLISHMENT OF AN ABSOLUTE
TYRANNY OVER THESE STATES. TO PROVE THIS, LET THE FACTS BE
SUBMITTED TO A CANDID WORLD. <crimes of "King" George and his
party follow>
HE HAS REFUSED TO ASSENT TO LAWS, THE MOST WHOLESOME FOR
THE PUBLIC GOOD <such as pork barrel packages and encouraging
the immigration of people with AIDS while trying to reduce
public health care costs>.
Q: What did the band play at Clinton's inauguration?
A: Inhale to the chief
Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp
A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton apprehensive about going to the movies?
A: Because he's afraid the usherette will ask to see his stub.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
Hillary came into the room with a big smile and a spring in her
step. "My you're in a good mood," said Bill. "Why are you so
happy?"
"I just got back from my annual physical exam and the doctor said
I had the breasts of a 25 year old woman, " Hillary gushed.
"Did he say anything about your 46 year old ass?" Bill asked.
"No," said Hillary, "your name wasn't mentioned once."
When Clinton was asked if his administration would have an
abortion bill, he replied "No, I've already paid it."
George Bush reminds many women of their husbands, on the other
hand Bill Clinton reminds many women why an increasing number
of them are staying single.
During the campaign, Dan Quayle said that if his daughter got
pregnant, he'd let her decide whether or not to have an abortion.
Marilyn Quayle said that if her daughter got pregnant, she would
insist that she have the baby.
Bill Clinton said, "The woman's a liar. I was in Cleveland at
the time!"
In article wrote:
-Thought I'd put a little fun in my life. So I sent the Clinton Jokes list to
Clinton. After a hard day, I thought our beloved President would love to have
a little humor. :)
-Cool idea! Let us know if he likes them......
-Let us know if he understands them.
-Let us know if he can READ them.
-I doubt he will even see them. Everything passes by Hillary's desk first.
-What makes you think Hillary lets him read the mail?
---- Lyrics to "I am Hillary Hear Me Roar"
I am Hillary, hear me roar
I'm more important than Al Gore
I could run this country if I had the chance
I've got an office down the hall
so Bill can't fool around at all
in this White House family, I wear the pants
Oh, yes, I'm his wife
But I'm in love with politics
Oh, yes, this is the life
I might run in ninety six
If I have to, I will say anything
I am strong (strong)
I'm un-divorceable (divorceable)
I am Hillary!
Oh, yes, this is the life
I might run in ninety six
If I have to, I will say anything
I am strong (strong)
I'm un-divorceable (divorceable)
I am Hillary!
<Somebody wrote:>
I saw a cartoon with Bill Clinton dressed as Barney (labeled Blarney)
singing:
"I love you,
and you love me,
send me all of your money"
<Someone else wrote>
I've been struck lately by the "appearance of impropriety" so
prevalent in the Clinton administration. With the liberals in this
group pointing at Reagan and Bush whenever a conservative complains
about Clinton-doublespeak, I decided to start a Clinton Corruption
Watch. At the rate he's going he'll hit 100 before the next election.
Let's just see how long it takes.
===============================================================================
96. 3-29-93
Hillary Clinton, in violation of the Federal Advisory Committee Act,
and Judge Royce Lamberth's injunction, holds a formal fact-gathering
meeting.
97. 3-23-93
Attorney General Janet Reno fires all 90 US attorneys, effectively
terminating the Justice Department inquiry into the doings of Rep. Dan
Rostenkowski.
(If the Justice Department actually indicts Rep. Rostenkowski, this
item will be removed from this list.)
98. 3-10-93
Hillary's Task Force on National Health Care Reform is held, by Judge
Royce Lamberth, to be in violation of the Federal Advisory Committee Act.
Judge Lamberth issues an injunction against any more fact gathering
meetings "until such time as the Task Force is in full compliance with
the requirements of FACA".
99. The Resolution Trust Corporation, responsible for resolving the
Savings and Loan bailout, forgives the 26 million dollar debt of Treasury
Secretary Lloyd Bentsen's son.
100. White House spokesman George Stephanopoulis is discovered to be
in violation of the Ethics in Government strictures against lobbying
your former bosses on the Hill within one year of leaving office.
TRAGEDY STRIKES IN BATHROOM; NATION MOURNS DEATH
Li'l Foxx
Duke Chomicle, Apr. 01 93 Front page
Tragedy swept the nation last night when Clinton was found dead in the
White House bathroom. Declaring a state of emergency, the grief-stricken
spouse took total control of the presidency.
"This is a period of great tragedy for our nation," Clinton
declared early this morning. "However we must look forward to the
future and embrace it wholly."
"The Clintons were always a team. It only seems natural that
when one dies, the other should take over," said former Vice President
Al Gore. "For the past three months, there has been a lot of uncertainty
as to whom was really in charge. Now there's no question whatsoever."
Gore will assume the office of First Lady which was vacated
because of last night's events. At a press conference this morning, he
expressed confidence and caution about the nation's future. "I feel
confident, yet cautious about the nation's future," he said.
Dr. Pat Francis, a medical specialist at the Walter Reed Army
Hospital, said the cause of Clinton's death is still unknown. However
sources at the FBI have revealed that it may possibly have been
alcohol-related.
"We discovered a large, empty bottle of hairspray in the vicinity,
and that very well may be the cause of death," one anonymous FBI agent
said cautiously. "Of course, Clinton could also have been using it to
style all that thick, luxurious hair."
A distraught Chelsea Clinton expressed grief at her parent's
death. "I loved both my parents very much, but I always knew either of
them could do a great job as president," she said confidently.
Cautiously, she added: "And now things are how they were meant to be."
The White House was inundated with telegrams expressing
sadness and sorrow over the great leader's death.
British Prime Minister John Major was among the sympathetic.
"I regret not getting to know either of the Clintons very well since
the inauguration in January," he said. "Also, I regret my glasses."
For Russian President Boris Yeltsin, Clinton's death only
emphasized the mortality of humankind. His own mother passed away
last week, and the service was beautiful although the flowers were a bit
too much. They really did a great job with her makeup, though, he said.
"I'm especially happy with the way they did her hair," Yeltsin
said. "It was not too poofy, but it was still shiny and full of body."
Riah Selzwit, the Russian mortician in charge of hair, was
pleased by Yeltsin's comment. "Thank you," she said confidently,
except in Russian of course. "I will be honored to style the dead
American leader's hair as well. Such thickness! Such glory!"
"That's a great idea, JoePiet <<manager of Auxiliary Services
at Duke>> said. "Let's put it on <<food>> points."
Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas
of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She
sees this and calls out "Fifty dollars!" He's tempted, but the
price is a little high so he calls back "Five!" She'd disgusted
and turns away and Bill continues his jog.
A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and
as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she
won't come down on her price. "Fifty!" she shouts and Bill
answers her "Five!" No sale.
About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get
into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get
to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there.
She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells "See what you
get for five dollars!"
Bill Clinton Is My Sheppard, I Shall Not Want.
He Leadest Me By Still Factories And
Abandoned Farms. He Restoreth My Doubt
About The Democratic Party. He Anointeth My
Wages With Taxes And Inflation. So My
Expenses Runneth Over My Income. Surely
Poverty And Hard Living Shall Follow The
Democratic Party, And I Shall Follow The
democratic Party, And I Shall Work On A
rented Farm And Live In a Rented House Forever.
Five Thousand Years Ago Moses Said: "Pack Up
Your Camel, Pick Up Your Shovel, Move Your
Ass And I Will Lead You To The Promised
Land." Five Thousand Years Later Franklin D.
Roosevelt Said: "Lay Down Your Shovel, Sit On
Your Ass, Light Up A Camel, This Is The
Promised Land." This Year Bill Clinton Will
Take Your Shovel, Sell Your Camel, Kick Your
Ass, And Tell You He Gave Away The Promised Land.
I'm Glad I'm An American, I'm Glad I'm Free.
I Wish I Were a Dog And Clinton Was a Tree.
There were 3 high school-aged boys walking down the street in Washington.
Suddenly, they see Bill Clinton go jogging by, and he's about to be hit by a
car. So, they pull Bill out of the way and save his life. Bill says
"Thank you for saving my life. I'll grant each of you one wish."
The first boy says, "I want to go to Georgetown."
Bill pulls some strings and gets the boy admitted.
The second boy says "I want to get into West Point, but it normally requires
a Congressional appointment".
So Bill calls up his Democratic friends in Congress and gets the boy his
appointment.
The third boy says "I want to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery."
Bill says "That's an odd request for a 17-year old!"
The boy says "Yeah, but when my father finds out I saved your life he's gonna
kill me!"
--Thanks to Rush Limbaugh, apparently.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT DEFINITIONS OF WHAT
BILL CLINTON'S REALLY SAYING
What he says............................What he means
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"My fellow citizens"...................."Suckers"
"I didn't inhale"......................."I think you're all idiots"
"goals"................................."lies"
"broad-based contributions"............."taxes"
"investing in our infrastructure"......."pork-barrel spending"
"spending cuts"........................."decimating the military"
"jobs program".........................."military base lay-offs"
"Vietnam"..............................."where?"
"Attorney General"......................"the first semi-qualified woman
I could find without a criminal
record"
"God bless America"....................."God help us, 'cause
I don't have a clue"
"Fairness".............................."screw all of you"
"I feel your pain"......................"and I like it"
"Economic program"......................see "investing in our
infrastructure"
"diversity"............................."millionaires"
"opportunity"..........................."federal handout"
"compassion"............................see "opportunity"
"crime"................................."gun control/ban",
ref. "Attorney General"
"deficit reduction".....................see "goals" and "Economic program"
"foreign policy"........................see "Vietnam" and "spending cuts"
"Health care reform"...................."nepotism",
ref. "broad-based contributions"
"The Big Dinner in Los Gatos:
After a couple of Cocktails, President Clinton and the entire Entourage were
finally served.
John Sculley was presented with Grilled Salmon, Garnished with a small bowl
of Apple sauce.
Hillary Rodham had Breast of Chicken.
Al Gore had Quail.... Of course.
When the Waiter presented President Clinton with the finest Cut of
Prime Rib you ever saw, He Looked at the plate and said " I ordered
the Pork Chops!!" The Manager (Who was hovering at this point, said
respectfully "Mr. President, I was there when you ordered and you
requested the Prime Rib." Bill Replied " I never said that"..."
The current menu at the White House
Mar 22 1993
From Kosher Kitchen, add 15% broad-based value-added contribution.
Certain items may not be available from Kosher Kitchen.
Changes in menu and kitchen by First Lady Hillary Clinton
(NYT Feb. 01 93)
Certified by the Department of Agriculture, won the 1993 Espy award.
NOTE: I more suggestions for a "lite" menu for Secretary Aspen. We
do not want to contribute badly to his heart condition.
Breakfast
Waffles (catered by McDonald's)
1. Pain waffle $2.25
2. Waffle with a middle class tax cut NOT AVAILABLE(1)
3. Waffle with Lloyd's consumption tax syrup (2) BTU-dependent
4. Fried Waffle in Haitian Rum Sauce $3.25
with curly-excuse potatoes $2.99
(not available for Jesse Jackson)
(1) It's not the #1 item on our menu. I don't know who suggested that it
would be, but we never said it would be a balanced part of our
nutritious healthy budget of calories.
(2) With added ethanol. Also "reduced calorie" available, especially for
those with gas problems.
Fruit Loops in milk (camouflaged) 21 votes
trial basis until July from Senate
Nunn of the camouflage NEGOTIABLE
"Chelsea's breakfast specials"
{lots of sausage, bacon, and waffles}
with Quaker Oats $3.15
with condoms $3.50
with RU486 (test recipe) UPON REQUEST
Jogging track hash rounds $1000 gratuity
Stuffed Shelby Thousands of
Ball-and-chain, whipped, & opposition-free jobs in AL
QUOTE: ... The day after Clinton announced his budget
package to a joint session of Congress, Vice President
Al Gore sought to sell the plan by visiting lawmakers.
But he was embarrassed at a meeting in Sen. Richard
Shelby's office when, as the cameras rolled, the Alabama
Democrat publicly complained that the proposal was "high
on taxes and low on cuts."
The response from the White House was swift and
unapologetic: officials said they would move from Alabama
to Texas the management team for a space shuttle contract,
a loss of 90 jobs for Shelby's state. "We tolerate
dissension here," said one administration official familiar
with the episode. "But he embarrassed the veep on national
television instead of speaking to us privately."
/Clinton musters support for plans by courting congress/
Richard Berke, NYT News Service
Mar 08 93 from Duke _Chronicle_ p. 13.
Budget cuts
from Democrats Not available due
to an "emergency"
$30B to be announced and executed in 1997-98.
The NY Times reports that Rep. Charles Schumer was asked why
the Democratic plan (lots of tax increases) is better than the
Republican plan (no tax increases). Schumer said "what makes our
budget the best is that it can pass, and we're doing something
about the deficit."
RLS Mar 19 93
from Republicans Found in trash
1. Rep. John Kasich (R-OH) produced a Republican plan
which would reduce the deficit by $429 B over the
next five years, without any tax increases.
2. Santorum-Specter plan (cut $97B of spending)
Subject: Re: Give me specifics == Yet Another Lie
Date: 9 Mar 93 16:26:02 GMT
3. Gramm-Lott amendment in Senate
4. Sen. Hank Brown (R-CO): WSJ Mar 09 93, p A16.
5. Rep. Gerald Solomon (R-NY). Compromise bill that
incorporated elements of the Clinton plan's
taxes and Kasich's spending cuts. Defeated with
the Kasich plan on Mar 18, 1993. Cuts included
"killing" the superconducting supercollider, and
an additional $60B in defense cuts underneath
the defense cuts set by Bush, Powell, and Cheaney
which were $50B beneath the 1990 Budget deal caps.
Sandwiches
1. The Congressional Special
Two FAKE pork patties (it's a Kosher kitchen,
after all), special interests, and an industrial
strength laxative (to help it go down smooth)
on a sesame and caraway seeded bun (to show
the bun's cultural diversity) $3.95
Tenderheart recipe
25% fewer staff members than the old WH menu,
but have yet to see if the Congressional
Special's recipe will follow the lead $4.50
2. The Social Security Special SEE NOTE
3. Spotted Owl Wings @ SEE NOTE
4. Fried chicken lips (demonstrated by DNC) $120 K
cf. The Economist, Feb. 27; RLS Mar 08 93
5. Supreme Choice Sandwich $13.20
May substitute for White bread anything that is
tested pro-choice, has minority status, and has
liberal activist connections to Clinton's law
school profs at Yale.
6. Carville's Blackened Louisiana Basketball Final Four
tickets
Carville was also asked why so many campaign officials had been
brought back to the White House to straighten things out. He
replied "well, it's like how many blacks you played on the
basketball team in Louisiana 20 years ago - the rule was three
at home, four on the road, and five when you're behind."
Reported in RLS Feb. 26 93
[Right after he had been brought into the White House to fix
the Clinton administration's mess of things, Carville talked
about how "the President is doing a fine job, but the
problem is we don't know what to do with her husband."]
NOTE: Cannot be served at this time, as it is an endangered species.
- VP A.G.
@ Spotted Owl Wings is an actual menu item at the Bordermine Cafe in
Colorado [RLS Feb. 03 93]
Entrees
1. Sacrificial Republiclamb with scapegoat cheese ***SPECIAL***
with Ronaroni memory of 1980s
with Broccoli guilt of Horton
with Quail and a baked potatoe price is a joke
2. The Rainbow Cabinet Trout
(confirmed in less than a month)
in a special interest jus $11.00
with a salad fit for millionaires $9.00
a la Hillary (grilled over wood for at least
90 min.) $7.95
feminist flambe' (a sprinkling of womyn/en) $7.75
with Reich-a-roni (laboriously stirred) $7.50
in a Ron Brown sauce (w/o Social Sec Sauce,
with golden parachutes) $1.4M
with Zoe-cchuni NO LONGER
AVAILABLE
Nevada-style (all croutons from Reno) $8.36
a la Gore (without fish, not cooked over a stove, no nukes
or microwaves, not stored in a Freon-using refrigerator ... hell, it's
just pieces of raw organically grown grass) $9.50
3. Suefood Surprise
with a cabinet full of lawyers $10.95
with a cabinet full of millionaires $10.95
with a "leaner" bureaucracy $10,950
fully serviced by illegal immigrants NOT AVAILABLE
with micromanagement NO EXTRA CHARGE
Children's Legal Defense Fund Portion
with a parental lawsuit and an Al Gore
Environmentally sound coloring book
(bag of crayons, no book - would mean
the death of a tree!) PARENTS BILLED
4. Stephanopoultry assortment (from the "Chicken Plant")
without a Dee-Dessert $6.75
with a large Gephardt role $7.95
special prosecutor UPON REQUEST
5. (Mis)Steak of the Union $10.15
Burned to a crisp. (Hey I guess we asked for it.)
6. Forest Gridlock Summit Vegetarian Pizza
(may substitute marijuana for oregano
in Arkansas:: 01/28 AP Report) $8.95
"WORKING TOWARD NEW, BALANCED AND COMPREHENSIVE POLICY
FOREST CONFERENCE SET FOR APRIL 2 IN PORTLAND, OR
After Years of Gridlock, Action to Save Jobs and Precious Resources
... It is time to break the gridlock that has blocked action
and bring all sides together to craft a balanced approach to
the economic and environmental challenges we face."
Wed Mar 10 93 White House Press Release
Beverages
1. Hope Springs Eternal (Flavored dirty tap water from the Arkansas River
near the "Chicken Plant")
In a recycled glass or plastic bottle
(BYO Bottle) $2.25
"Dolphin-Free" $2.95
"Soak the Rich" punch
We'll back a truck to the nearest
window, stick a nozzle in your mouth, and
irrigate you like some Tennessee Valley
Authority project. UPON REQUEST
2. Celestial Blackmail Teas $100K
[Celestial Teas targeted by the New York Boycott Colorado
group, which was formed in protest of Colorado's rejection of Amendment
2. Story by Walter Smith, Colorado Springs IT Center, Feb. 05 93]
3. Shalala Shake $2.50
Milk shake with PC pudding and a pink flamingo
decoration. Stirred with tongue depressor.
[Inspired by a picture of 1000 plastic pink flamingos placed on
a quad area in the University of Wisconsin.]
4. CAFE au EPA 40 mpg
5. Dallas Cowboy Stampede Scalp of Wash Redskin
Dee-Desserts
Slick Willy Long Island % $1.00
Hillary's health care cookies $2.99
with Celestial Blackmail Tea $3.99
Triple layer-of-taxes cake (SALE PRICE!!!!) $30K or more
Schoolhouse deficit cake $128.31
Sweet death of pro-life movement (Gunned down) Freedom of Choice
Access Act Passage
% Really, this is an actual menu item in Harry's Chocolate Shop,
an adult bar in West Lafayette IN. (It's $3.00 w/tax.)
Source: Kevin L. Stamber, Purdue Univ.
********** SPECIAL NOTICE ********** SPECIAL NOTICE **********
Any item from the old John F. Kennedy menu 15% off menu price.
Any item from the old Franklin Roosevelt menu is 20% off.
Any item from Eleanor Roosevelt's recipe book is FREE!!!!!!
**************************************************************
LIST OF FINANCIAL PATRIOTS
Larry Villella, a 14-y.o. in Fargo ND [Feb. 22 93] $1000.00
"I think you're really a symbol of what's best
in this country, and I'm proud of you and I
thank you for doing this." -- Bill Clinton
An elementary school [RLS Mar 08 93] $ 130.00
An elementary school [RLS Mar 08 93] $ 200.00
Liz Smith, gossip columnist, NY Newsday [Mar 03 93]:
"Now is your chance actively to help Uncle Sam with his
deficit headache. Do you want to do something useful,
while waiting as Congress tries to sweat out and melt
down President Clinton's new tax program? Well, you can!
Simply figure out how much you can bear to part with and
make out a check to the government of the US, marking it
as a contribution to help reduce the deficit.
"This is a trendy and good thing, no matter how
big or small your contribution, and it is something that
more and more people are doing to show they really want
the deficit reduced. If everybody in the country sent a
small check or money order, it could make a very big
impact. Address your envelopes to President Bill Clinton,
The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC 20500."
A prison inmate at Somers CT [RLS Mar 17 93] $ 25.00
WEBSTER'S CLINTONESE - TO - ENGLISH DICTIONARY (FIRST EDITION)
CLINTONESE ENGLISH
__________ _______
"My fellow citizens" "Suckers"
"I didn't inhale" "I think you're all idiots"
"goals" "lies"
"broad-based contributions" "taxes"
"investing in our infrastructure" "pork-barrel spending"
"spending cuts" "decimating the military"
"jobs program" "military base lay-offs"
"Vietnam" "where?"
"Attorney General" "the first semi-qualified woman
I could find without a criminal
record"
"God bless America" "God help us, 'cause
I don't have a clue"
US President Bill Clinton plans to reduce the budget deficit by an appeal to
sacrifice. The problem, however, is that every time he gets near a virgin...
In an article on Northern Ireland, the political party Sinn Fein
was described as the political wing of the IRA. I guess that
makes the U.S. Democratic Party the political wing of the IRS.
President Clinton had heard of all the starving people in Somalia, and wanted
to get a look for himself. He ordered his aides to prepare Air Force One.
On the plane, the president looked down with his binoculars, and said "My
God! Look at them! Skinny, starving -- where are our troops?"
An aide chimed in: "Er, Mr. President... that's not Somalia. It's Arkansas."
Voice From White House> Sorry, but we just have to cut all our
- non-essential staff here
(voice revealed to be Hillary)
Hillary> So, Bill, I'll give you 'til 5 to get out!
Reporter 1> The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still
place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of
salvation!
Reporter 2> And that concludes our report from the Clinton White
House
Slick Willie appoints his wife to chair health care reform and now appoints yet
another Kennedy to be, of all things, Ambassador to Ireland. Who said nepotism
in American government is dead?
Hillary is being driven around Washington D.C. and spots
a little boy sitting in a park with a wagon. She thinks,
'this is a great press opportunity' so she has her driver
pull over. She gets out to talk to the little boy and
discovers that he has 6 little puppies in the wagon.
She comments on how nice they are and the little boy says
'thank you ma'm, they're Democrats!' Of course Hillary is
extremely pleased by this.
A few days later, Bill decides to take one of his jogs down
to McDonalds, which is close to the park, and Hillary mentions
that if he should see a little boy with a wagon he should
stop and talk to him. Well, Bill sees the little boy with
his wagon and puppies so he tells the little boy 'what nice
puppies those are!' The boy says, 'Thank you sir. They're
Republicans!' 'Wait a minute,' says Bill, 'Hillary told
me that they're Democrats.' The boy responds, 'Yes sir,
but now their eyes are open!'
Didja hear that in response to Pres. Bill's habit of dropping
in on local McDonalds the McD's national management has announced
a commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton?
Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, and it's got
half the meat.
How about that footage on the news yesterday of our new Commander-in-
Chief on the deck of the aircraft carrier (Teddy Roosevelt?)..
After throwing one of his snappy salutes (he's *almost* got that down),
I half expected him to give the order, "Let's turn this thing around.
We're taking 'er to the dump."
Or "Are there any communists on board? How'd you like to be in charge
of a floor of the Pentagon?"
Or "Those who voted for me, step forward. The rest of you are out of
work."
Or "I want you to re-target those missiles from Moscow to EIB headquarters."
Or "Admiral, tell me about your plans for Gay Heritage Month..."
Zipity do dah,
Zipity ay,
Billy boy's the prez,
Now we're all gonna pay.
They'll take all your money,
And give it away.
They'll leave you with nothin
for a rainy day.
[ Chorus ]
He's got a big chip on his shoulder
dont ask me why, cause I don't know.
He seems to really hate the mid class
he wants to knock you right down on your fat ass.
Zipity do dah
Zipity ay
Congress is behind him
now we're all gonna pay.
Energy taxes are rising each day
my house is gettin colder cause the gas went away
I can't fill my car so I can't get away
Dr. Kervorkian take my troubles away.
The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption
are Las Vegas and Washington, DC.
The difference between the two is that in Washington the
drunks are gambling with *our* money!
WGST radio in Atlanta reported yesterday that the Clinton's cat Socks arrived
at the White House after being driven from Arkansas by a friend.
According to the reporter, "Socks ran around the room becoming
familiar with the new surroundings. There was that one embarrassing
moment though when Socks, as cats will do, began scratching a post.
Unfortunately, it was Vice President Al Gore."
"A Gore friend told him to urge Clinton to pick Sigourney Weaver
for Attorney General: 'She knows how to handle aliens.'"
Arkansas 12th Grade Reading Test
Slick Willy, Administrator
Test #1 Test #2
MR Farmers MR Snakes
MR KNOT MR KNOT
OSAR OSAR
CMMT Pockets CMBDI's
LIB LIB
MR Farmers MR Snakes
Test #3 Test #4
MR Ducks MR Mice
MR KNOT MR KNOT
OSAR OSAR
CM Wangs CMEDBD Feet
LIB LIB
MR Ducks MR Mice
Test #5
CM Puppies
MR KNOT Puppies
OSAR
CMPN
LIB
MR Puppies
After taking unofficial office, Hillary wants to have her middle
name used when news reports refer to her, Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Since she is quite assertive and is giving Mr. Bill and
others advice on many matters, maybe she should be called
Hillary "Ram-rod 'em" Clinton.
Q: How does Bill Clinton say "Fuck you"?
A: "Trust me."
It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party
emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a
bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while
being screwed.
If Bill Clinton wins the election this November, they're going to have an
air-conditioned sauna installed in the White House -- so he can have it both
ways.
Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he wears his yellow raincoat, people shout,
"Taxi!"
Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton evading the draft: "Do I care if he
evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does." [Bob Kerry lost an leg in
Vietnam.]
Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
A: One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.
Richard Belzer told this joke on TV today, apparently after watching Bill
Clinton's performance in last night's debate (loosely paraphrased):
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.
I heard that some of the women in Arkansas are so fast that they have to put
a governor on them!
"One thing's for sure about Clinton...
-- He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"
Q: What does Gennifer Flowers do when she misses Bill Clinton?
A: Eats Waffles
My brother explained why Bill Clinton is having so many woes:
Bill Clinton has been in the Flowers and weeds!!
So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today
he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times...
...but he didn't come.
They said in the debates that Governor Clinton's home state of Arkansas has
the lowest teen pregnancy rate in the nation... I'd like to thank the
governor for wearing a condom."
It's interesting that Bill Clinton chose a a running mate who DID inhale.
Perhaps had the country paid more attention to Gennifer Flowers, Clinton
would have picked Gary Hart instead.
From a Mike Royko column:
Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV and said you had been her
lover boy for years, you and your wife went on TV and your wife was
affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care to share with millions of
American men how the heck you managed to talk your way out of that pickle?
Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he makes love to two women at the same time,
they never see each other.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
Aides for presidential candidate Bill Clinton hotly denied new allegations of
misconduct. Officials of the company marketing the popular "Where's Waldo"
puzzles noted a striking resemblance while examining the bare-breasted woman
depicted frolicking in the water with an as-yet-unidentified man.
Clinton denies that he has ever met the woman, and says he was with Waldo the
whole time.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and
one to obscure the issues.
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
George Bush:
"Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if Bill
Clinton is elected president."
Heard on MTV News:
"Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at the
inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will bring down the
house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the country."
Did you hear Hillary Clinton ate beans on Friday night so
she could take a bubble bath on Saturday?
BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE
1040 Bufoo Street
Little Rock, AR 72205
Dear Friend,
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five
million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in
Washington D.C.
This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not
wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a
lie, nor beside Senator Joe McCarthy, who never told the truth, since Bill
Clinton could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside the statue of Christopher Columbus, the
greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not
know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on
borrowed money.
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your
shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised
Land!" Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit
on your asses, and light up a Camel, this IS the Promised Land!" Now, Bill
Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of
Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.
If you are one of the fortunate few who has anything left after taxes, we
expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.
Fraternally,
The Bill Clinton Statue Committee
Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and Bill Clinton's campaign limo?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing
something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow
manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what ARE
you doing?"
The boy replied, "I am making George Bush, Mister."
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making George Bush?
Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?"
The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton."
"But why not?" asked the man.
The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to make Bill
Clinton."
Arsenio:
I heard that Harris [headed for the electric chair] was going to imitate Bill
Clinton...
He wouldn't inhale...
TRUE STORY
A friend told me he saw this on F-Troop last night:
The Captain, the Chief, and an Inspector General were discussing the Chief's
breaking of a Treaty. The following was the dialog:
Inspector General: But Chief, how could you break the treaty?
You smoked the peace pipe with us!
Chief: Ah, yes. But, I didn't inhale!
HELLO! Sound familiar everybody? Not only can't Clinton tell the truth,
but he plagiarizes his lies!
There was a line in George's speech where he said I raised taxes 1 time and I
lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute.
(I thought he was going to add: And it's the same way on adultery.)
Governor Bill Clinton had billed himself as a common man's president. In
order to garner the votes of two states, he decided to go baby-kissing and
flesh-pressing along the border of Louisiana and Arkansas. There, he
encountered a strange fellow working at a gas station, a common man if there
ever was one.
"Sir, I'm Governor Bill Clinton, and I'm running for president," said Gov.
Clinton, extending his hand out for a handshake.
"That's mighty fine! I'm a great admirer of yours, Governor. You've done
great things for the state of Arkansas," replied the man enthusiastically.
The odd man, noticing the Governor's outstretched hand, shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm sorry Governor. As much as I'd like to shake your hand, I
can't do it right here. However, I will shake your hand if you cross the
highway with me."
Willing to do anything for a vote, Clinton agreed and crossed the highway
with the man. Upon reaching the other side, the odd man vigorously shook the
Governor's hand. Curious, Clinton asked of the man, "Why is it that I may
shake your hand only after crossing the highway with you?"
The man replied, "Oh, that's simple, Governor. You see, that there was
Louisiana, and this here is Arkansas. Everyone knows that boob touching is
legal only in Arkansas."
Reagan speech 8/17/92, referring to Bill Clinton (with veiled reference to
Lloyd Bentson's comment to Dan Quayle during the 1988 VP debate; also after
joking about his (Reagan's) advanced age):
All right. Listen to me. This fellow they've nominated claims he's the new
Thomas Jefferson. Well, let me tell you something. I knew Thomas Jefferson.
He was a friend of mine. And, governor, you're no Thomas Jefferson.
Reagan speech 8/17/92 at Republican National Convention:
When we see all that rhetorical smoke billowing out from the Democrats,
ladies and gentlemen, I'd follow the example of their nominee: Don't inhale.
Bill Clinton justifies his proposed increases in government spending by
dividing it into investment spending and consumption spending:
GNP = C + I + Government Investment + Government Consumption
He claims that government investment is productive and is worth running a
deficit for.
The question is whether the government can really make that many investments
that are better than private sector investments. People are scared that under
Bill Clinton and the Democrats, we will instead get:
GNP = C + Pork Barrel + White Elephants
+ Bureaucracy + Inefficiency
+ Uncontrolled Costs
+ Politically Correct Spending
+ Outrageous Boondoggles
+ $500 Billion Bank Bailouts
+ Favors to Lobbyists
+ More Favors to Big-Voting-Bloc Special Interests
+ Even More Favors to Big-Money Campaign Contributors
Most people don't think that politicians, government bureaucrats and academic
economists would know an efficient investment from a hole in the wall. They
think that politicians would end up calling everything they like, including
increases in their own salaries, a form of investment.
DNC STUDIOS
Presents
SLICK WILLIE
One Man's Story Of Saying Whatever It Takes To Get Elected
He'll do to America what he did to Arkansas.
He won't inhale.
He won't take us to war... because he wouldn't go himself.
Hillary Clinton as "Tammy Wynette" Gennifer Flower as "The Bimbo"
Ted Kennedy as "His Chaperone" Mario Cuomo as "The Godfather"
Don't Miss the Sequel: GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS!
DNC Studios presents
BILL CLINTON as "SLICK WILLIE"
in a BLOODWORTH-THOMASON production
Executive Producer: RON BROWN
Directed By: JAMES CARVILLE
Screenplay by: GEORGE MCGOVERN
Based on the Book By: GLORIA STEINEM
Music by: SISTER SOULJAH Performed by: ICE-T
Featuring:
JESSE JACKSON as "THE RAPPER"
AL GORE as "THE TREE HUGGER"
PAUL TSONGAS as "ELMER FUDD"
JERRY BROWN as "GOVERNOR MOONBEAM"
Special Appearances by:
JIMMY CARTER WALTER MONDALE MICHAEL DUKAKIS
ARSENIO HALL THE HIPPIES THE YIPPIES
HISPANIC LESBIANS AGAINST RACISM
COMMITTEE TO SAVE THE GAY WHALES ACT UP EARTH FIRST!
UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS ROTC UNIT
Soundtrack Available On Rated R: Ridiculous
TIME-WONDER TAXPAYER BEWARE
Records and Tapes
George Bush:
"When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues."
THE ADVENTURES OF PRESIDENT BILL
It's Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White House.
Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings.
RINGGGGGGGGGG, RINGGGGGGGGGG, RINGGGGGGGGGG
President Bill:
Hello! Hello!
Voice on the Line:
President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin
just ordered the launch of all Russian missiles
in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States!
President Bill: [take-off on a Clinton tirade against Jesse Jackson]
AW SHIT!!!
HE SAID HE WOULDN'T DO IT!
THAT DIRTY, DOUBLE-CROSSING BACKSTABBER!
SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!
BAM!!! goes the receiver back in the red telephone's cradle.
President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk,
whirls the combination locks, flings open the lid,
and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes.
A voice comes over the briefcase speaker.
Voice:
Mr. President, is this a drill?
President Bill:
Listen to me.
We're being attacked by the Russians.
Launch a full-scale response immediately.
Voice:
Are you sure, Sir?
President Bill:
HELL YES!!!
FIRE THE MISSILES!!!
FIRE THE GODDAMN MISSILES!!!
Voice:
OK Sir, we're launching them this minute.
President Bill:
Thank you, Son!
The speaker goes silent and President Bill collapses in his chair.
Suddenly, an aid flings open the door and bursts into the room.
Aid:
Hey Bill! Neat joke, huh?
Sounded real, didn't it?
Attacked by the Russians! What a gag!
Hey, you want something from the kitchen, Bill?
How about a Pizza or something?
Say Bill, are you OK? You look kinda pale.
You OK Bill?
Bill???
I just realized why Clinton visited Tandem yesterday rather than Sun or HP
which would have brought larger crowds.
He thought Tandem would be a friendlier crowd when he heard they were a
"fault tolerant" company.
Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done to your
campaign by your wife's comment the other day about how "Hitler was really a
great guy" ?
Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.) Hillary and
myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened by this terrible
misunderstanding. The media hype is way out of proportion. You guys should
know us by now--we would never say anything like that. And though she did say
a few things about Germany she certainly didn't mean anything offensive by
her remarks, which I might add have been willfully and shamefully taken out
of context and distorted. There is nothing in my life, or Hillary's life,
which can be construed as derogatory toward the German people. We honor
them. Some of our best friends are Germans. My own grandmother was
one-quarter German. And it certainly isn't true that Germans are excluded
from our country club. In my eleven years as Governor of Arkansas I was
responsible for hiring more German-Americans than my three predecessors
combined. We have some pie charts which we'll pass around for all you boys
so you have the whole story. Once the American people know all the facts
they'll understand just how ridiculous this is.
Part of this just naturally comes from being the frontrunner, although I
never thought of myself that way or wanted to be called that. You boys just
keep taking your best shots. The American people have seen the worst of me
and they aren't turned off by what we stand for. But this latest outrage is
just too much. You boys ought to be ashamed. Sleaze for soundbites, trash for
cash, that's what this is. We have good reason to believe the audio tapes
were doctored. We're not even sure if that's Hillary's voice. You guys ought
to have checked this out better before launching a major attack on my wife.
The whole story was phony to begin with. In fact, our sources suggest that
this is is just the latest manifestation of the vicious smear campaign
orchestrated by the white house, who have declared many times that they will
do whatever it takes to win this election. And that's part of the reason that
we're so outraged about this--the very gall of the whole thing. The only
Nazis you find in America these days are people like David Duke, who of
course is a Republican, not a Democrat. But I certainly don't mean to imply
that George Bush has any Nazi skeletons in his closet. As I told Hillary just
this morning, "Two wrongs don't make a right."
It also comes as no surprise that Governor Brown has jumped on the bandwagon
and has repeated these ridiculous charges every chance he gets. It is clearly
in Governor Brown's interest to do whatever he can to turn the discussion
away from his "flat tax" proposal which would spell disaster for the people
of this nation. And former Senator Tsongas, although he tried to claim he
was above such things, has also chimed in with a few comments of his own and
he maintains he isn't even running any more. Unlike Senator Tsongas and
Governor Brown, I've always tried to focus on issues, and God knows we've
tried to avoid misleading or negative campaigning of any kind.
(Turning up the heat, getting more dramatic.)
The millions of citizens of this great country who are out of work or scared
of losing their jobs or their health insurance know what I stand for. People
are genuinely disillusioned with the way things are in Washington, and this
kind of sideshow just reinforces their disgust. People have been let down,
they've been shafted by Washington. They want to know whether they have a
vehicle for their resentment. I have always run my campaigns as a change
agent. I'm as much of an outsider as anybody. I ran the first ad against the
congressional pay raise!
Certainly this is a sad commentary on the manipulation of the media, and the
people, by evil forces who oppose our candidacy. Here we are trying to bring
everyone together in this country so that we can work for the future, and
once again vicious lies are spread about us and guerrilla tactics are used
against us. Besides, I thought you guys were supposed to be on my side. It is
just plain cowardice to keep bringing this up and attacking my wife instead
of raising honest issues like the need for more submarines, my support for a
middle class tax cut, the way Senator Tsongas wants to break the backs of
poor honest retired folks by slashing their social security payments, how
opposed I am to raising the gas tax, or the way Jerry's flat tax would
cripple the nation. Maybe Hillary should have just stayed home in Arkansas and
baked some cookies.
Saw this on "In Living Color" last night:
Barbara Bush to Hillary Clinton: "Your daughter's so ugly Woody Allen
wouldn't touch her."
New campaign slogan for Gov. Clinton:
Smell my lips.....No more Bush
I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race during the Labor
Day weekend. A politician strikes me as an excellent choice to preside over
an event where people drive in circles at high speed.
Ya know, I kinda hope that Clinton does get elected... It will be the first
time in a long while that I'll have been able to *really* enjoy political
humor...
Bill Clinton has been advised by doctors to save his voice and
not speak a single word for the next couple days.
Guess this means he'll have to contradict himself in mime...
Bill Clinton is *so* fat when he sits around the White House, he sits
*around* the White House.
Acronyms:
CLINTON = Chicken Lickin' Idiot Now Taking Over Nation
CLINTON = Crazy Liberal Intent On Needlessly Trashing Our Nation
CLINTON = Clearly Loose Internal Navigation Techniques Occupy Never-Neverland
GORE = Gennifer's Only Remaining Enterprise
GORE = Greatly Oriented to Radical Ecology
EARTH DAY = Ecological Alarmism Retold To Hysterical Dopes And Youngsters
GORE = Great One Regulating Everything
Well, now that the election will be a thing of the past tonight, I guess Bill
Clinton will be glad. Why you ask?
So he can put Jennifer Flowers to bed! [literally]
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving
this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
A2: Because they can't afford any more pork
A3: Reagan ate all the jellybeans
A4: They've been having turkey FOR YEARS
A5: Because Bill is having Gennifer
A6: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.
Why does Hillary have a big mouth?
She likes to bl** whales.
Why does Hillary have a grimace on her face?
Bill forgot to take the di*** out.
Why did Bill use the di***?
Because Hillary bit it off!
Why did Gennifer Flowers leave Bill and talked?
Bill had NOTHING to give her!
About the porno film,
Slick Willie bl*** the country.
And a Perot Joke:
Doesn't Perot look like Radar 30 years later?
And another Clinton joke:
Hillary isn't just butt ugly, she's up-butt ugly!
Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job
Come April 21, Many Americans will be seeing the following 1040EZ, Thanks to
Bill Clinton:
Enter your salary from last year on line 1. ..........line 1_____________
Please remit Line 1 for tax due.
Put all Comments/ Complaints in the box that follows: -------
| |
| |
-------
Yes, I would like to give $1 for a re-elect the president fund...
-------
does Bill Clinton really live on Bufoo Street?
Is that short for buffoon street?
Its great that Clinton is such a common place name...
It makes for great signs (thanks, Rush) like ...
<PROSPERITY
CLINTON
CLINTON AVE
DEAD END
CLINTON
PROMISCUITY AHEAD
==========
Subject: something to show for it
Last night David Letterman mentioned that Gennifer Flowers is going to do a
"spread" in the December Penthouse magazine. He remarked that it
will be good, for once, to see something that a Presidential candidate
has done.
==========
And now something NEW and ORIGINAL...
President-Elect Clinton promises to make the administration more
representative of the population. Well, I think he should consider making
Millie the Dog Secretary of State. After all, President Bush recommends her
highly "knows more about international relations than those two bozos
combined.." and after all, how many dogs have been appointed Secretary of
anything?
And finally, the way things are going to be under Clinton, we won't have any
stature as a superpower any more, so we might as well have a Secretary of
State that barks if someone breaks in.
On the front page of the 11/9/92 New York Times, there is a piece
entitled "Clinton, After Raising Hopes, Now Tries to Lower Expectations."
In this piece, the major campaign promises made by President-Elect Clinton
are summarized as follows.
1. He said he would end welfare "as we know it."
2. He would restore America's industrial manufacturing base so that good,
high-paying jobs are widespread.
3. He would insure that no working family would fall below the poverty line.
4. He would make "health care a right, not a privilege," for all Americans
without subjecting businesses to an additional tax burden or rationing health
care.
5. He promised to eliminate adult illiteracy in five years.
6. He promised to halve the Federal deficit in four years without raising
taxes on the middle class or significantly cutting the Government entitlement
programs that account for the bulk of Federal spending.
7. He promised offering a modest tax break to the middle class.
8. He would guarantee all Americans either a college education or two years
of vocational training after high school, under the guidance of a national
service program that would "solve the problems of this country while
educating a generation of Americans."
9. Mr. Clinton pledged to keep abortion legal while "making it as rare as
possible."
10. He promised to end racial, religious, geographical, and sex-oriented
divisions in society.
11. He promised to safeguard environmental concerns without costing jobs.
12. He promised to protect the rights and privileges of workers without
costing business growth.
Good Luck, Bud!
Wary Klink Live-Pillory Clinton
Wary: "Hello, welcome to Wary Klink Live. Tonight's guests will be
First Lady elect Pillory Clinton. In our second hour, our
guest will be Dr. Heidrich Von Schmillshonshtenstenton D.D.S.,
P.A., Ph.D., M.D., A.C.L.U A.F.L.-C.I.O, A.S.A.P., A.S.P.C.A.,
S.P.Q.R., C.I.A., F.B.I., I.R.S., and H.R.S., discussing the
finer points of redneck philosophy. (Titles and Degrees 1.)
Welcome Mrs. Clinton.
Pillory: Thank you it is a pleasure to be here.
Wary: Now, we will open the phones in a moment, but first, how does
it feel to have singlehandedly ruined this country's economic
structure? (Emotional Terms 2.)
Pillory: Wonderful, Wary. It's an incredible power trip to hold the
future of an entire nation in your hands. I won't enjoy
destroying this nation from the ground up, much, but it must
be done. Change must come, and tearing it up and starting
from scratch is the only way.(Radicalism 3.)
Wary: Well, good for you. Now, to our first caller from Xanadu,
Nebraska.
Caller 1: Miz Klinton, I am a profezzor of Eaztern Philozophiez, and I
find your previouz statements to be grozzly offenzive. How
can you claim that a pro Marxist/Leninist/Stalinist policy is
the best course when Lao Tsu clearly statez that eventz muzt
be allowed to take their courze if the society is to reach a
higher level.(Status 4.)
Pillory: Everyone is against me, I can't understand it, I want to help
the nation!
Wary: Next caller. (Click) Umm...this caller is from Pigsnout,
Georgia.
Caller II: (German accent) Hello, this is Dr. Schimillschonshtenstenton,
I regret that I will be unable to attend your show this
evening as I have had car trouble here in town. However the
wonderful people of the town have graciously offered to
provide the entertainment for the evening.
Wary: How is that Mr. Schim... Doctor
Caller II: We are going to watch some film called "Deliverance". I'm
told it's quite good.
Wary: I'm terribly sorry doctor, but enjoy the movie.
Caller II: I'm certain I will, they are such a polite and forthcoming
people (Appearance 5.)
Wary: Our next caller is from San Juan, excuse me San Joo Wahn, Texas
Caller 3: (southern twang) I want to talk to that wife of a commie
sympathizer!
Wary: Please, sir, keep the insults to a minimum.
Caller 3: Bush and Quayle weren't that bad, we have had 12 years of
republican presidency, why change it now? (Conservatism 6.)
Pillory: I find it impossible to believe that anyone could find any
benefit from a republican presidency! (Inconceivability 7.)
Caller 3: You What!
Wary: People, don't fight. I'm sure the answer lies somewhere
between your two views. Can't we all just get along?
Pillory: No.
Wary: Okay. Next caller from Vallder, Colorado.
Caller 4: Hi, my name is Edward Winslow, and I am a former Perot
supporter.
Class: HI EDWARD!
Caller 4: I really don't understand all this pro-Clinton sentiment.
Clinton's presidency will be the biggest bomb in American
history (Metaphor 8.)
Wary: Mrs...
Pillory: Ms.
Wary: Sure. Ms Clinton, your response.
Pillory: I agree, my presidency will be an explosive one, impacting
every aspect of American society. (Shift of Meaning 9.)
Wary: Excuse me, I think he means...
Pillory: Next caller.
Wary: ... that ...
Pillory: NEXT CALLER
Wary: (sigh) from Waldorf, Michigan.
Caller 5: Ms. Clinton, I agree with you wholeheartedly in every aspect
of your philosophy. Your views on the sociopolitical
ramifications of the subconscious integral psychosexual male
egobarrier are simply brilliant. (Technical Jargon 10.)
Wary: What?
Pillory: Shut up, Wary.
Wary: Hey...
Pillory: Stay on the line caller, I'll discuss my new theories and
policies with you after the show.
Wary: Can I have my show back now?
Pillory: Yes, you may.
Wary: Next Caller from New Jonestown, Arkansas.
Caller 6: We just called to say that all five thousand of us here in New
Jonestown support you Ms Clinton, and we're holding a party in
your honor, hey, this many of us can't all be wrong. (aside)
Hey, is that Kool-Aid ready yet? (Numbers 11.)
Pillory: It's good to know that some Americans are intelligent, thank
you for your support.
Wary: Next caller from Gernee, New Zealand.
Caller 6: 'ello, I can't see why you yanks dumped Bush, af'er all, you
know what they say. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
(Sophistical Formula 12.)
Wary: Excellent, my foreign friend.
Pillory: Just what we need, competitors telling us how to run our
country. This is what dragged us down in the first place.
(Causal Oversimplification 12).
Wary: Next Caller, after all we wouldn't want to run up his phone
bill.
Pillory: I have a few choice words for that man!
Wary: Too late Pillory, next caller from New Orleans, Louisiana.
Caller 7: Yeah, is this Geno's Bar?
Wary: No, wrong number
Caller 7: You sure this ain't Geno's?
Wary: Yes, this is Wary Klink, Live.
Caller 7: Oh, anyway, you really ought to try Geno's. It has awesome
food. Geno's is my favorite bar. In fact, why don't you come
to Geno's after work? (Repetition 13.)
Wary: Next caller from Fallax, Montana.
Caller 8: Clintons Must Die! Clintons Must Die! Clintons Must Die!
(Slogan 14.)
Wary: Next Caller.
Caller 9: Hi, I'm from Boston, and what I want to know is why people
would elect someone like you as President. I mean that's
like putting a serial killer in a nursing home. (Simile 15.)
Pillory: What is wrong with you people? What good could come from any
Republican, no matter how liberal? (Prejudice 16.)
Wary: Next Caller from Saldo, California.
Caller 10: Ms Clinton, I'm sure your administration will have long
lasting effects on the nations future. (Vagueness 17.)
Pillory: ... Thank You...
Wary: Next Caller from Juno Alaska.
Caller 11: Congratulations on winning the White House, Ms. Clinton. May
your term of office be short and uneventful.
Pillory: ...
Wary: Next caller from Little Rock Arkansas.
Caller 12: Honey, this is Fuzzy, what kind of peanut butter was I
supposed to get.
Pillory: Jif, Bill.
Caller 12: Oops, I got Skippy, but you can't really blame me, after all,
I have so much to remember. All those bills you told me to
sign, an entire shopping list, what size panty hose you
wear... (Rationalization 18.)
Wary: Panty Hose?
Pillory: Bill, that was inappropriate.
Caller 12: Hey, if you can call me out of a disaster relief meeting to
tell me to pick up some tuna, I should certainly be able to
call you about peanut butter! (Nor Drawing the Line 19.)
Wary: Panty Hose?
Pillory: Is it too much for me to hope for that you would remember
three sentences together without a week's worth of coaching?
Caller 12: Next caller.
Wary: Hoboken, New Jersey. (aside) Panty Hose?
Caller 13: Hi, I'm a ultra-ultra left Marxist. I think that if we just
dissolved all the world governments, every one would stop
fighting and save the environment. (Wishful Thinking 20.)
Pillory: Sure, and Stalin was a humanitarian.
Wary: Next Caller from Nattlemeyer, Vermont
Caller 14: I am a Political Science professor from Mannington College
and I find that both sides have their merits. I feel that
more data must be gathered before we can decide if replacing
Bush was a positive step. (Academic Detachment 21.)
Pillory: Look, we won't have any fence walkers in this administration!
Either you support the reforms we will make, or you are
against them, period. (Drawing the line 22.)
Wary: Gee, we have another caller, what a surprise.
Caller 15: Hey, I've got your number boss-lady. You claim that you want
to help the nation, yet your husband said, and I quote "...We
will if elected, ... raise taxes, ... send ... jobs
overseas,... and spend more..." (Quotation out of Context 23.)
Pillory: I don't recall him saying any such thing.
Caller 15: He said EVERY word of it ma'am.
Pillory: I'm sure he did SAY every word of it, just not all together.
(Emphasis 24.)
Wary: One last caller and then our time is up for the evening.
Kalleytrepp, your on the air.
Caller 16: Mrs. Clinton...
Pillory: Ms.
Caller 16: Excuse me?
Pillory: Ms., not Mrs. Mrs. is an archaic and degrading term whose
sole purpose is to keep women in their traditional role as
second class citizens.
Caller 16: Can you please define a "second class citizen"
Pillory: Certainly, one who is denied certain rights and privileges
Caller 16: Such as?
Pillory: Such as... Well um, take for example..(Abstract Terms 25.)
Wary: That's all the time we have this evening, we'll see you next
week when we will have lame duck president George Bush as our
guest.
Remember, send praises, flames, and bomb threats to lhe...@unf6.cis.unf.edu!
--------
November 11, 1992:
Bill Clinton (President-Elect) was at the Arkansas War Veterans Memorial
Service today. THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS. A DRAFT DODGER "honoring" war veterans
with his presence?
Okay, okay. Let's just put this in perspective.
Bill Clinton at the Veterans' Day Memorial is like:
* Sinead O'Connor at Burger King
* Willie Horton outside prison
* Jerry Brown having Earth citizenship
* Gloria Steinem chasing men
* Madonna teaching chastity
* Jack Kervorkian doing CPR
* Earth First! running a logging company
* Fidel Castro joining Amnesty International
* The Sacramento Kings at the NBA Playoffs
* Dr. Spock giving corporal punishment
* David Duke in the NAACP
* Van Halen teaching classical music
* Molly Yard in a swimsuit
What Is A Deathocrat Made Of?
Oh, what is a Deathocrat made of?
Of purple haze and militant gaze.
That's what a Deathocrat's made of.
Of sullen cynics, abortion clinics.
That's what a Deathocrat's made of.
Of pseudo-scholars and guilt trip wallowers,
hollow woe hollerers and hollower followers,
cowerers, glowerers, frivolous borrowers.
That's what a Deathocrat's made of.
Party of the strange and twisted.
Champion of each vice once hissed at.
Mockers of the tried and true.
Seekers who have not A CLU.
Where kinky notions find a home,
from whence the dinky dollar is thrown
to anywhere unjustified
from out the middle class's hide.
Pretenders pressing vague agendas,
they pose as philanthropic menders.
Pitting class and class and class,
these scions of the stubborn ass.
Kill a tree and risk their might!!
Abortion? ... Why, a woman's right!
Depict George Bush as mad aggressor,
Castro as some quaint professor.
Appeasing all tyrants who act with bold violence,
with wishfulness, wistfulness, blissful dead silence,
they cheat on their spouses and back revolutions
where Marx and machine guns are posed as solutions.
They run in circles, swim in fees,
fly from responsibility.
A criminal will earn their pity
while victims mount in every city.
"The poor", they say, "we help upgrade!"
but back in 1978
with Democrats as the ruling tenants
of White House, Congress, and the Senate,
gaslines grew, inflation soared!
The poor did better under Ford.
Jimmy and Fritz looked pale and wan.
"Who can we possibly blame this on?"
The people, that's who, as they did when they said,
"Things are bad ... they won't get better.
It's not our fault. Go wear a sweater."
They spent other folks' money to garner votes and praises,
leaving indexed taxing brackets that meant automatic raises,
that moved the poor and middle class,
their 'special friends', they said,
to brackets where scant years before
the rich and fat had laid.
And when Reagan said at last, "Indexing has to go!",
they said, "The old will soon be dead!"
and similar cries of woe.
They cursed and wurst and fairly burst with ugly histrionics.
Inflation fell. But what the hell, it can't be Reaganomics!
The man's success left them a mess when he said with rhetoric blistery,
"The dreaded reds will make their beds on the old ash heap of history!
"Abortion is lethal and communists evil!!"
Oh, how these rubes are uncouth!
What gay-bashing, chauvinist, war-monger bigots!
When will they ever see truth?
So what is a Deathocrat made of?
What IS a Deathocrat made of?
Of moral despoilers, and strident annoyers,
devious lawyers, and porno mag voyeurs,
of prayer interdiction and socialist fiction,
stupid decisions and history revisions.
Of shear abdication as sex education,
equivocation and scorn for our nation.
Of asinine fratricide.
Bully for OUR side!
That's what a Deathocrat's made of.
AMEN!
I thought you'd all like to hear about the potential candidates meeting
with the Wizard of Oz...
First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have
no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart".
So the Wiz said,"So be it".
Second was Dan Quayle. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm unintelligent
and have no common sense what so ever...I wish to have a Brain".
The Wiz said, "So be it".
Third was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence and I lack conviction...
..I wish to have some Courage".
And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard.
The Wizard looked at him, and said, "Well, what do you want?"
To which Clinton replied, "I'm here for Dorothy!"
Those who say the Gang of Four in China are dead have been proven wrong by
the presence of Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Tom Foley, Richard Gephardt,
and George Mitchell together in Little Rock last night. Let's hope there is
no conservative student rally in Lafayette Park or they will send in the only
tank of the U.S. Army on them.
Hillary stopped using her maiden name when she found out from Gennifer who
the REAL Rodman was.
Q: What was Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to sc#$w the people!
It has finally happened. The uneducated finally voted. I can't think of
anything funnier than what happened on Nov. 3, 1992. I heard this on the
news, honest, Mr. Bill "Why no, I didn't inhales, why do you ask?" Clinton
received more than 50% of the votes from people who did not graduate
from high school.
Sorry, but that does not make me feel comfortable.
I find it very difficult to believe that someone would vote for a person who
committed adultery, and lied, about the same thing, three times! This is
living proof that Christian, or even pseudo-Christian, morals have no place
in America.
Cudos to those for the funniest laugh I have ever had.
1) So what if Bill did it with Jennifer or Gennifer or
whatever her name is? A little playfulness doesn't seem to have
affected John F. Kennedy's standing as one of the great Presidents of
our history.
And in order to live up to his standard, if Clinton is elected, I guess he'll
have to fuck Madonna and get the CIA to stage her "suicide".
What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Bill Clinton?
Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
From The Wall Street Journal, 11/19, page one (reprinted w/out permission)
"Reality Sets In: Clinton Advisors Find
Promises are Easier to Make Than Keep"
----
"They are Drawing Up Lists of Tax Increases and Cuts in
Entitlement Programs / One Target: Big Corporations"
----------
"WASHINGTON -- Bill Clinton's advisors are already realizing that campaign
promises are easier to make than to keep. During the campaign, Mr. Clinton
promised not only to shield the middle class from tax increases but to cut
their taxes. He promised to halve the deficit in four years. He said his
rivals -- not he -- were the ones who would slash government benefits that
go to the middle class.
"...But now, a sobering reality is sinking in... the president-elect's new
economic transition team, headed by Harvard Prof. Robert Reich, is drafting
lists of spending cuts and tax increases -- euphemistically described as
'loophole closers' -- that go well beyond those in the economic plan set
forth during the Clinton campaign. One juicy target for new taxes: U.S.
corporations. A potential source of big spending cuts: the costly,
fast-growing 'entitlement' programs, many of which shower benefits on the
middle-class people Mr. Clinton promised to protect.
"...Simply put, Mr. Clinton has to decide -- much as President Bush did four
years ago -- whether to break his campaign promises early on, when he has the
most political capital, or later, when he might hope the public has forgotten
them.
"...many budget experts in both parties -- and some of them under
consideration for senior posts in the Clinton administration -- say it is
almost impossible to exempt the middle class from pain and reduce the
deficit substantially." [Quoted is Alice Rivlin, former head of CBO, said to
be under consideration for a 'top economic post.']
"...Rep. Leon Panetta, a California Democrat and House Budget Committee
chairman, says, 'If you're putting together a significant deficit-reduction
package, the middle class is going to carry part of that burden. There's no
way to avoid that."
"In another warning suggesting that he is thinking more seriously about the
deficit, [Clinton] recently said that 'all have to sacrifice and contribute
over the long run.' When pressed about his promised tax cut for middle-class
families [as published by the Clinton campaign; it's on paper], he didn't
exactly offer any guarantees..."
So the issue before us is this: Clinton's team has only NOW stumbled upon
the numbers that his opponents (and some media) were pointing to, all during
the campaign? The same facts, figures, and statistics that his team is now
using as a basis to break their promises are not new; they were available to
ANY citizen at ANY time during the campaign, in any dime-store almanac -- and
obviously ignored by the Clinton team.
In fact, the article includes a table -- again, available to any citizen who
cared to know the truth -- showing that families with incomes below $80,000
(the class Clinton promised to protect) accounted for 75% of the personal
income reported to the IRS in 1990. How can Clinton et al pretend that these
numbers didn't exist during the campaign?
One can only conclude that Clinton and his were completely ignorant of
reality -- and/or that they lied outright.
Four doctors, a German, a Frenchman, a Russian, and an American are
discussing state of the art medicine at an international doctors convention.
The Frenchmen proclaims "Ah, medicine in France is so advanced that we can
put a liver in a man and have him back to work in 6 weeks."
The German says "That's nothing. In Germany we can put a lung in a man and
have him back to work in 4 weeks."
The Russian says "You guys know nothing about medicine. Surgery in Russia is
so advanced that we can take half a heart from one man, put it in another, and
have both out of bed and looking for work in 2 weeks."
The American doctor just shakes his head. "You are all so backward. We can
take an ***hole out of Arkansas, put him in the White House, and the very next
day half the country will be looking for work!"
Which is worse, a Vice-President who can't spell or a President who can't add?
This is a true fact. Shortly before Bill Clinton took the inaugural oath
of office, the band struck up the theme song from Monty Python.
If this was actually programmed by Clinton's staff, it may forebode an
interesting four years. Alternate theory: some undergraduates from
Caltech swapped the band's sheet music.
YOUR NEW OFFICIAL TAX FORM
1. Enter your social security number:
___-__-____
2. How much money did you make last year?
___________
3. Send it in.
4. How much money do you have in savings?
5. Send that in, too.
6. Please enter comments/complaints here: [ ]
Jesse's addendum:
Oh, BTW, we'll be taking your pension fund too.
And we're taxing your company out of existence. Please attach "YOUR NEW
OFFICIAL WELFARE APPLICATION FORM".
Clinton: "I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade."
Reporter: "Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!"
The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of
the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to
come watch it with them.
The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of
infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They
had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and
throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the
most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic
bombers. Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was
suitably impressed.
Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a
disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the
last artillery pieces.
"Who are they?" he asked.
"Ah," said Yeltsin, "those are our economists!"
"But I thought this parade was military..." said Clinton, confused.
"Mr. Clinton," said Gorbachev, "have you SEEN the damage those men can do?"
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
I just heard that Bill Clinton visited the White House a couple of days ago
and got quite a surprise. I guess he was jogging one morning and saw that
someone had written "Clinton Sucks!" in the snow (you know, yellow snow?).
Anyway, Clinton was furious and ordered an investigation. And so after the
investigation was completed Clinton demanded the results. The head of the
Secret Service said "Well Sir, we have a problem. We did tests on the urine
and determined that it belonged to Jesse Jackson, but that's not the problem.
The problem is that it is Hillary's handwriting!"
"On the first day of Clinton, he promised we will see a tax cut for you and
for me.
"On the second day of Clinton, he promised we will see two more million jobs,
and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the third day of Clinton, he promised we will see three liberal judges,
two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the fourth day of Clinton, he promised we will see four balanced budgets,
three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the fifth day of Clinton, he promised we will see five folding wings of
the Air Force. Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million
jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the sixth day of Clinton, he promised we will see six billion in aid to
students, five folding wings of the Air Force. Four balanced budgets, three
liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the seventh day of Clinton, he promised we will see seven days a week of
health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air
Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs,
and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the eighth day of Clinton, he promised we will see aid to Somalia, seven
days a week of health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding wings
(of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more
million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the ninth day of Clinton, he promised we will see `nein' to German
competitors, aid to Somalia, seven days a week of health care, six billion in
aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets,
three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the tenth day of Clinton, he promised we will see attention to the
deficit, `nein' to German competitors, aid to Somalia, seven days a week of
health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air
Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs,
and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the eleventh day of Clinton, he promised we will see eleven billion for
Boris, attention to the deficit, `nein' to German competitors, aid to Somalia,
seven days a week of health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding
wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two
more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the twelfth day of Clinton, he promised we will see twelve jobs for
Hillary, eleven billion for Boris, attention to the deficit, `nein' to German
competitors, aid to Somalia, seven days a week of health care, six billion in
aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets,
three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me."
LITTLE ROCK --- Right before Christmas, President-elect Bill Clinton lost his
voice, probably because of allergies to all the Christmas greenery at the
Arkansas governor's mansion. The President-elect puts up with the allergies
to get in the holiday spirit -- he "hangs pine garlands and mistletoe," but
he was surprised they bothered him because he doesn't inhale. An aide said
the allergies are "nothing to worry about," they just make the president-elect
stuffed up and irritable. The future President was quoted as saying something
like "I doad doe whad de fug yur talkin' aboud. I feel fide. I could
negoadiate a tready. Bud off. Get owda here." Given how often he loses his
voice, his aides say the President-elect is learning "an internationally
understandable set of gestures," in case he has to negotiate when he is
totally voiceless and cranky.
In a related story, Clinton aides refused to explain why there is
mistletoe hung over such odd locations as the secretarial pool, near the
women's restroom, and on Gennifer Flower's automobile dashboard.
Well, we're now a week into the Clinton administration, and the problems
of the nation have been solved. Taxes on the middle class have been cut.
President Clinton has taken a stance against waste and ordered a 10%
across-the-board cut in government spending, and a national health care
plan has been put together to provide basic medical services at a
reasonable cost, one which will be competitive with commercial insurers.
Ha ha, only kidding....
Actually, Mr. Slick has barely figured out how to operate the desk phone
in the oval office, and the feces are striking the ventilation equipment
with a rhythm that might make for a good rap tune.
The leaders of the Senate - folks like Dan Moynihan and Sam Nunn (both
democrats, BTW) are looking downright embarrassed at the simultaneous
display of supreme arrogance and ignorance that seems to characterize the
Clinton administration. Republican house members are being
uncharacteristically quiet - perhaps just letting Mr. Slick select his
rope?
(Another possibility is that we will see a congress and senate that will
realize that they basically have a loose cannon in the White House, and
do their best to minimize the damage. And the thought of Congress being
more responsible than the president is Scary. Stock-up-on-ammunition-
and-canned-goods type of Scary.)
Taxes: Better get out the Vaseline, folks: That 4% tax increase that was
only going to apply to people making over $200k looks like it might
actually be 8%, and the folks making less than half that $200k figure
are getting ready for a "regrettable necessity" announcement expected in
the next couple of months. The latest estimate is that, if he wants to
provide any cut, even to the absolute lowest brackets, he's going to
have to start boosting taxes at a family income of about $50k.
Oh, and everybody better get used to paying more for gas: Al Gore (who
has done something remarkable by making Dan Quayle look like a model of
sophistication and intellect) has discovered oxygenated gas. Even though
it's been proved irrefutably that this has no measurable benefit (and,
in fact, several drawbacks - one of them being a significantly higher
cost). Oh, and you're going to be getting slapped with an Energy Tax,
but poor folks might be entitled to a rebate from an agency whose
existence will be paid for with the gas tax, and whose sole purpose will
be to administer the collection and disbursement of energy taxes.
Latest news is that, even with the worst-case tax increases, Clinton's
health plan will end up gobbling up more money than his spending cuts
and tax increases will raise, and boost the deficit just a teensy,
weensy bit. Say a couple hundred billion or so. And that's from the
democratic spin doctors, who are making a valiant effort at damage
control, so you can be pretty sure that the Actual Mileage Will Probably
Be Lower.
I can sense a feeling in America, something like that of a drunk waking
up on Saturday morning, going "oh God, what did I do?" Well, folks, a
couple of Tylenol ain't even going to touch the headache that Slick
"Night Train" Clinton is going to give you! When Clinton was elected, I
hoped that I'd be able to get a few laughs at his spastic attempts to
manage the country - but what I'm presented with, reading the paper
every day, is an embarrassment of riches. The man makes George Bush look
like a distinguished elder statesman.
Slick Willy's Queen Berets (sung to the tune of The Green Berets)
Falling fairies from the skies;
I broke a nail, oh I could cry;
Don't you like how my tushy sways;
We are the fags of the Queen Berets.
Slick Willy's words upon my ears;
"You guys have rights, be proud you queers;"
I once was scared, now I'm OK;
Cause I'm a fag in the Queen Berets.
Put silver earclips on our nuts;
We love the pain, now spank our butts,
The way you walk is awfully cute;
I sure would love to pack your chute.
This Army stuff is really slick;
Free meals and clothes and lots of dick;
When I retire, I'll still get paid;
So thank you Bill, from the Queen Berets.
When my lover gets aids, I will not worry;
If the government won't pay we'll leave it to the jury;
All medical bills paid, I'm no longer afraid;
Thank you tax payers, from the Queen Berets.
I can't wait to jump in a fox hole;
I just hope that it's with Bob Hope;
They say he cares about all us soldiers;
We'll find out, when my hands are on his shoulders.
At the end of day we turn out the lights;
Practice torpedo runs into the night;
Then we practice our fencing, I thay touche;
We are the fags of the Queen Berets.
======================================================
FROM NATIONAL REVIEW, February 15 1993, The Week, p.14
======================================================
"Little noted by the press, vegetable-rights activists raided the
kitchen of the Willard Hotel in Washington, D.C., and liberated
several vegetables and fruits that were to be murdered and eaten by
PETA at its inauguration gala."
What's Clinton's executive order #1?
Flowers by his bedside.
Did you hear that Dr. Kevorkian has renamed his death machine
"CLINTONATOR"?
Unlike a respirator it doesn't let the patient inhale.
(I think this came from Rush L.)
The way the tax scheme will run in the next few years:
1993: Anyone who earns more than $25,000 a year and is not working for a
federal, state, or local gov't agency is RICH and will be taxed into poverty.
1994: Anyone who earns more than $25,000 a year is RICH and will be taxed into
poverty.
1995: Anyone who is not working for a federal, state, or local gov't agency is
RICH and will be taxed into poverty.
1996: Anyone who earns is RICH and will be taxed into poverty.
("Clinton presidency" is a tasteless joke in itself.)
Besides, where's the Gore quote during the inauguration:
AG: Who's that guy? (pointing to a bust of ...)
Guide: That's President George Washington. (after he had said it about
a minute before)
There's also Chelsea's "rash" comment: She needed medication at Sidwell
Friends, and the nurse couldn't give her any medication without having
contacted the parents. Chelsea said something like, "Oh that's okay. My
mom's been pretty busy lately. Better call my dad."
1993
HILLary, BILLarY, Socks
Its time to sell my stocks
The market is down
And the clown's in town
HILLary, BILLarY, Socks
1994
HILLary, BILLarY, Socks
I must sell my smocks
National Healthcare is in
How can I win?
HILLary, BILLarY, Socks
1995
HILLary, BILLarY, Socks
I think I'll sell my socks
My feet will be cold
But I am not old
HILLary, BILLarY, Socks
1996
HILLary, BILLarY, Socks
I now live in a box
Thanks for the crate
But the TAX was too great
HILLary, BILLarY, Socks
Hillary, Billary, Socks.
The economy's taking hard knocks.
We voted to end...
We got "tax and spend"
Hillary, Billary, Socks.
Hillary, Billary, Socks.
Credibility's on the rocks.
From: a chicken in every pot.
To: a chicken who smoked pot.
Hillary, Billary, Socks.
(okay, so the meter's a little off ;-)
Hillary, Billary, Socks.,
My Taxes are up like my cock.
Took a look down,
But all I could do was frown,
Because the government removed my crown.
-Ross Perot '93
Hillary Billary Socks.
The First Lady wears the jocks.
Jennifer said
He's good in bed,
But the voters don't give a shnocks.
Hillary Billary Socks.
They listen when She talks.
"Now listen to me,"
Said she to he,
"Or else I'll change the locks."
Hillary Billary Socks.
The Congress of Hard Knocks.
Please send a fax
To axe the tax,
Or else they'll clean our clocks.
But the libs are in for a scare
Cause Slick Willy just isn't aware
That raising our tax
And spending the max
Will leave our economy bare.
You can sing it to the tune of "I'm Popeye the Sailor Man."
Hillary, Billary,, Socks....
Bill likes men who suck cocks.
Can the Army cope,
While picking up the soap?
Hillary, Billary, Socks....
Hillary, Billary, Socks
Now empty are our Docks
The tariffs so high
They reach the sky
Hillary, Billary, Socks
Hillary, Billary, Socks
The mice ran up the clock
The tax hit all
Except the Ball
Hillary, Billary, Socks
Hillary, Billary, Socks
How empty are our docks
The taxes hit and down we fell
Except for those on the Hill
Hillary, Billary, Socks
I've heard there's a new programming language out from
University of Tennessee. It's called Algor.
There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very
formal and inflexible. And it's not a very powerful language either,
since it won't allow you to alter the operating environment.
Personally, I don't think it'll be even around in four years.
Everyone complained when Quayle misspelled potato. How come no one's been
screaming about Clinton's gaffe? He clearly spelled BUTT incorrectly when
he said, "I'm gonna tax your BTU's..." -- Tony
(to the tune of "THE ADAMS FAMILY")
They're slimy and they're cheesy
They're dedicated P.C.
They're altogether sleazy
The Clinton Family
da da da da tax tax
da da da da tax tax
da da da da da da da da da da da da tax tax
Their policies are daft
They'll gladly accept graft
Bill dodged the draft
The Clinton Family
da da da da
da da da da
da da da da da da da da da da da da tax tax
They're politics will disgrace
Your income will be displaced
Their daughter is a dog-face
The Clinton Family
da da da da
da da da da
da da da da da da da da da da da da tax tax
The wife is a commie
The husband is balmy
The A.G. is not a mommie
The Clinton Family
da da da da
da da da da
da da da da da da da da da da da da tax tax
Hillary, Billary, Socks,
Our prez is taking knocks,
We all have played,
But the bills need paid,
Hillary, Billary, Socks.
Hillary Billary Socks.
The President's head's full of rocks.
He wants us to pay
More in taxes today.
Guess I'll have to wear holes in my socks.
Hillary Billary Socks.
The President's head's full of rocks.
His back's made of noodles
His cat chases poodles,
And his wife stirs a cauldron in frocks.
Hillary Billary Socks.
Let's stuff them all into a box.
Then drive down the road
With the slippery load
And hope it don't wear out the shocks.
Slick Willie you making us gag,
Your plan is NOT in the bag,
Your giving us the curse,
Now what could be worse?
4 years with Hillary on the rag!
Hey Bill, the truth cant be ducked,
In '96 the Dems will be bucked,
If they dont take it on the chin,
And we vote the bastards back in,
This nation will surely be fucked!
Slick-Willie, you make us gag,
Your plan is NOT in the bag,
You're giving us the curse,
Now what could be worse?
4-years with Hillary on the rag.
Hillary, Billary, Socks.
The Prez to the nation now talks:
"I'll cut spending," he said
"Just as soon as I'm dead."
Hillary, Billary, Socks.
Hillary, Billary, and Socks,
with the Clintons, the White House surly rocks.
But will the nation come to grips,
when, in the spirit of "Read my lips",
we fill in more in the "Amount you owe" box.
[RADIO 30 SEC. SPOT]
[SFX - OFFICE SOUNDS IN B.G.]
[ROY]
Hey, Dale - I didn't expect to see you at work - I heard you got
fired last week.
[DALE]
I was. But that was before I asserted my rights under the Family
Leave Plan.
[ROY]
But, Dale - you don't HAVE a family.
[DALE]
A minor detail, Roy. I called the Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton and
they took my case, got my job back, got my gay brother an
officer's commission in the Army, and promised to line my wallet
with the cash they're gonna get my soaking my middle-class, fat-cat
boss! I'm on Easy Street. Why, I'm as good as tenured! They
couldn't fire me now if they WANTED to!
[SFX - FADE OUT]
[ANNOUNCER]
Are you out of work? Do you care? At the Law Firm of Rodham &
Clinton, we don't care if you've ever put in an honest day's
work in your life. We think you deserve all the money you can get,
regardless of your ability or willingness to work. Call today, and
ask about our "Buy Now, Suffer Later" program. Your first
consultation is free. As an added bonus, the first 50 callers will
receive, absolutely free, a pair of monogrammed rose-colored
glasses, and a list of promises not worth the paper they're
printed on. So if you're one of the "motivationally challenged" and
want to get what you feel is coming to you, don't wait. Call
today!
[ANNOUNCER #2 - TAG ENDING]
The Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton is a Professional Abbomination,
licensed to steal in 50 States and in the District of Columbia.
Call us today! The Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton - where "Soak the
Rich (and the not-so-rich) is our ONLY business!
BTW - if they get divorced, do you think Hillary will get to keep
the house?
There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in Washington.
As I was walking out of the county recreation center today
I noticed a slide flash on a closed circuit TV display that
announced:
Animal Lover's Dance,
at Hidden Pond
Now I realize that Bill and Hillary are in the White House
and we're rid of a lot of those puritanical sexual hangups
of the Bush administration, but is this REALLY the sort of
thing our tax dollars should be sponsoring?
A little publicized Grammy Award:
In the category, best new government artist
"Baby, Give it Back" by Sir Tax-a-Lot (William Jefferson Clinton)
Hospital sources report that Defense Secretary Les Aspin
is having a "change of heart" about gays in the military.
Health care costs rise uncontrollably. In England, they have begun
rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting lists
for certain services. In fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for
abortions.
Clinton told his wife: I am sick of politics and formal life.
Why don't you take a break and relax? She asked. He asked how?
She said I've heard of this place in DC on a hill on the ocean,
we can go there as anonymous and be ourselves. So they both
disguised (sp?) themselves; dressed up in normal cheap clothing,
and drove a cheap car to the location. They got in a
romantic-kissing-and-*** atmosphere, the police shows up,
Police: Give me some id young man; you are under arrest.
Bill : Why, I've never done anything like this before, forget
about my id, PLEASE.
Police: I don't have to go thru this everyday, I know you've never
done it, but this bitch with you comes here everyday .
Hillary Clinton is NOT running the country. Eleanor Roosevelt is :-)
(If case you don't know, Hillary has admitted to having private,
imaginary conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt)
"Today that President Clinton commenced the first round of White
House staff cuts. It is also reportedly the first time
Mr. Clinton has given a woman a pink slip that he hasn't asked
her to try on first..."
Did you know Bill Clinton has AIDS?
What do you expect when you screw everyone in the country?
Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a
Gas station. As the guy was filling up their car (he was dressed
like a typical grease-jockey) he said to Hillary "I went to High
School with you". She recognized him and agreed with him.
Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had
married him you wouldn't be married to the President".
Hillary said "O yes I would - He would be President."
Here are some names for our 42nd president:
Commander-in-thief
Wilhelm Von TaxUndSpendenHeim
Bilhelm Von Bubbastein
Wilhelm Von KleinerStein (Lil' Rock Ark. in German!)
Hillary Rodham
One-term-Willy-Nilly
the Great Pretender
Bilhelm HotAirenHof
etc...
I came up with this idea for a different kind of version of Fleetwood's
Don't Stop, I thought it was fitting since Clinton and Gore played this song
at their election party.
> "Don't Stop" (real lyrics have "> >" before them)
>
> (original words by Christine McVie of Fleetwood Mac)
>
> If you wake up and don't want to smile,
> If it takes just a little while,
> Open your eyes and look at the day,
> You'll see things in a different way.
If you wake up and don't want to file
It takes just a little while
Open your eyes and you're gonna pay
You'll see things in Hillary's way
> Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
> Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
> It'll be, better than before,
> Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Don't start thinking about low taxes
Don't start, cause they won't be here,
They'll be, higher than before,
Reagan is gone, Reagan is gone
> Why not think about times to come,
> And not about the things that you've done,
> If your life was bad to you,
> Just think what tomorrow will do.
Why not think about bad times to come,
And not about the things that you've won,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what Bill Clinton will do!!
> Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
> Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
> It'll be, better than before,
> Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Don't start thinking about low taxes,
Don't start, cause they won't be here,
They'll be, higher than before,
Clinton/Gore won, Clinton/Gore won
> All I want is to see you smile,
> If it takes just a little while,
> I know you don't believe that it's true,
> I never meant any harm to you.
All I want is to see you file,
It takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any promise to you.
> Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
> Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
> It'll be, better than before,
> Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Don't start, thinking about your money,
Don't start, it'll soon be here,
It'll be used, better than before,
Reagan is gone, Reagan is gone.
> Don't you look back,
Don't you feel taxed
> Don't you look back.
Don't you feel taxed
Dateline: Washington, DC February 26, 1993
When questioned by reporters shortly after the World Trade Center
terrorist bomb exploded, the President responded, "If Congress will
just pass the Brady Bill, I'll sign it." Mr. Clinton further said, "If
the passage of this much needed legislation had not been obstructed by
the National Rifle Association, this senseless tragedy would not have
occurred, because there would have been a mandatory seven day waiting
period in place before this assault-type car bomb could have been
used." In closing, Mr. Clinton said, "I urge Congress to break the
gridlock and act today to prevent further atrocities of this kind from
occurring."
Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: NO FEE - If No Recovery!!!
Bumper sticker on Arkansan car:
If you can read this
You're not from here
The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton's practice
of taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other
day when somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately,
it turned out to have been a draft, and Clinton was able to
dodge it.
"I celebrated Presidents' Day in an authentic manner. I jogged to McDonald's,
had a couple Big Macs, broke some promises from a couple months ago, and
then took some money from some average middle-class citizens."
Subject: Heard this on CNN
A condom manufacturer, trying to capitalize on the popularity (?) of
President Bill Clinton, is introducing a new line of condoms called the
"Slick Willie."
[I assume its lubricated...]
Bill Clinton will launch health consciousness campaign and promote
jogging and reportedly he asked Hillary would she run.
"No", she said,"not now, not until '96."
CLINTONIA - any of a genus of herbs of the lily family with
yellow flowers on a naked stalk.
A friend of mine just informed me that you can now send e-mail to President
Clinton using the address pres...@whitehouse.gov. Of course, I was a little
skeptical, since, after all, does the President *really* have time to read all
those emails? Of course not; but nonetheless, it's real! But I still think
he can't read all those. More likely, he has some staff people reading them
over, and they send him a summary at the end of the day. Here's what a
typical encapsulation of the day's email might look like.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Summary of Electronic Mail for Pres...@WhiteHouse.Gov
June 2, 1993
Topic Number
-------------------------------------------------
Bosnian conflict: 22,617
Support for Tax Policies: 198
Opposition to Tax Policies: 33,605
Harvard Professors with neato ideas: 288
Same with reasonable ideas: 9
Pro-Iraq: 5
Calls for Impeachment: 16,012
Travel agency ads: 61
Resumes for Cabinet openings: 4,125
Personal from Hollywood celebrities: 616
Barber called back to change appt: 1
Calls from Ross Perot: 33
Senators returning calls on budget: 0
Environmental (fwd to VP): 58,932
Foreign policy (fwd to VP): 23,811
Economy (fwd to VP): 3,096
Deficit (excl Perot, fwd to VP): 17
Health care (fwd to rodham@whitehouse): 1,456
Abortion (fwd to /dev/null): 99,361
Jokers sending harassing message after
learning of email account: 482,697
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill and Hillary were sitting in the bleachers, waiting for
a baseball game to start. A row of secret service agents
sat behind them and one leaned forward to whisper into Bill's
ear. Bill turned around, shrugged at the agent, then lifted
Hillary by the scruff of the neck and the seat of the pants
and tossed her out onto the field. She bounced a couple of
times and started screaming her head off. Bill was surprised
and turned to the secret service guy for help. The agent
just shook his head and said "No, no Mr. President. I said
'throw out the first *pitch*'!"
And finally, one that's out of date, but this came through the
Oracle before the election:
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O thou still unravished groom of wisdom -
> O great one still and casual as birds -
> O nameless one above all -
> Please answer the question of this insignificant being:
>
> I've been invited to have tea with Bill and Hillary Clinton next week.
> What advice should I pass on to them from you?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hoo boy. The Clinton administration will prove to be the most rocked by
} scandal of any administration ever. Please don't give them this whole
} list, but you may provide a hint of what is to come.
}
} Feb. 19, 1993: President Clinton reveals that he once tried cocaine, but
} didn't snort too deeply.
}
} Mar 12, 1993: Hillary demands that "First Lady" become a full cabinet
} position.
}
} Jun 11, 1993: Republicans discover that not only did Clinton oppose
} American involvement in Vietnam, he actually fought for
} the Viet Cong.
}
} Sep. 09, 1993: Clinton reveals that he once tried heroin, but he used a
} clean needle.
}
} Dec. 02, 1993: Hillary demands that the First Lady be included in the
} succession, ahead of the Vice President.
}
} Apr. 22, 1994: Republicans unveil that Ho Chi Minh was really Clinton in
} disguise.
}
} May 10, 1994: Clinton reveals that he once tried Communist propaganda,
} but he didn't understand it.
}
} Oct. 11, 1994: The Hillary Coup: Mrs. Rodham-Clinton makes a failed
} attempt to take over the White House. President Clinton
} has her executed and replaces her with Gennifer Flowers.
}
} Jan 13, 1995: Republicans finally decrypt a 1991 coded telegram from
} Clinton to Saddam Hussein: "I'm with you all the way,
} buddy."
}
} Apr. 01, 1995: Clinton reveals that he once tried murder, but he only
} stabbed once.
}
} Dec. 07, 1995: Addressing a group of WWII vets, Clinton refers to,
} "those valiant and brave Japanese pilots who attacked
} Pearl Harbor." He later blames a slip of the tongue.
}
} Feb. 02, 1996: Republicans unearth a private letter to a friend, in
} which Clinton refers to Adolf Hitler as, "My personal
} role model, who I will always admire and emulate."
}
} May 17, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried bestiality, but the
} animals involved were all vertebrates.
}
} Jun 11, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried necrophilia, but the
} body was fairly warm.
}
} Jun 13, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried arson, but the building
} he torched was of little value.
}
} Jun 16, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried rape, but she really
} enjoyed it.
}
} Jun 17, 1996: Clinton admits to mugging, pedophilia, kleptomania,
} Communism, racism, and once driving over the speed limit.
}
} Jun 20, 1996: Clinton denies ever trying LSD. Nobody believes him.
}
} Election Day, Clinton is re-elected in a landslide. The popular vote is
} 1996 243,975,237 to 2. Election fraud is suspected, but never
} proven.
}
} And believe me, it gets worse in his second through his sixteenth
} terms.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plane ticket out of the country.
Clinton's pulled over on the highway, cop takes a look at his license
and unzips his fly, Clinton says "Oh no, not another breathalyzer
test"...
$100 bill sitting on the floor in the middle of a room, there are
three people in the room: a Clinton Administration official who tells
the truth, a Clinton Administration official who always lies, and the
Tooth Fairy. Lights go out, then come back on again; the $100 bill is
gone. Who took it? The Clinton Administration official who always
lies, coz the other two don't exist!!!
Little things get big, and big things get little...you make a boner, y'know.-
President Bill Clinton
(Referring to the press coverage of
his $200 "Doo") (I *think*)
mconnect whitehouse.gov
connecting to host whitehouse.gov (198.137.240.100), port 25
connection open
220 SMTP/smap Ready.
expn president
250 <hillary>
quit
221 Closing connection
After World War II, many of the Western Europeans started playing around
with socialism. That was really stupid. The French, for example, are
just beginning to come to their senses. Norway... Sweden... Denmark...
SHEE-YAW... well that goes without saying...
Now we have the newly elected Clinton Regime...
Walking into a wall is not intelligent...
But walking into a wall when you saw the guy in front of you do it...
That is just plain idiotic!
Yeah ralph ole hillary is uppity isn't she. she should just sit back in
the closet like pat nixon, betty ford et al - drinking and popping pills.
At least with people like you around America will never be short of
greedy little bastards who run long on stupidity - a toothless cog in
the machine.
---Craig M. Todd
>> a 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set?
>>
>> I thought that he would be more caring about the feelings of the poor.
>> (heh heh)
>> :-)
>
> Oh, a $200 haircut isn't going to hurt anyone. Where are the people
> who were complaining about Bush's buying socks for the grandkids at
> the mall, and Nancy Reagan's designer gowns?
Speaking of double standards -- remember all the hooting & ridicule when Bush
bought a few pairs of socks? Oddly, when Golden Boy took to the stores to
buy shirts -- and parroted, practically verbatim, Bush's "doing my part to
stimulate the economy" remark -- those same voices were silent.
What a difference ideology makes.
GRIDLOCK (n), term denoting Congressional resistance to the President's
agenda. This term may be used ONLY when Clinton's agenda is opposed by
Congressional Republicans (i.e., Bob Dole, R-KS). Not to be confused with
"meaningful debate" or "healthy disagreement", an identical situation
that exists when the President's agenda is stymied by Congressional
Democrats (i.e., Dave Boren, D-OK).
After an intensive study of the president's personal life, it has been
determined that he is not a heterosexual, a bisexual, or even a
homosexual.
He is suffering from the rare infliction of egosexual since he is
constantly screwing himself.
"We're a rock-and-roll band and we'll bring down the house the way Bill is
going to bring down the country!" -- Roger Clinton
Some key definitions to help decode Clinton's speeches. More will be added
as the president's meaning becomes clear. Remember, do not attach
meaning to words, it's symbolism that is important.
all - Clinton's constituency. as: We ALL must make sacrifices
to restore America's economic health.
ask - Clintoneze for legislate. i.e. asking:legislating
campaign - actually, this is a misspelling. It really is champagne
promise promise.
change - (verb) redefinition of the term "tax cut" to its true
meaning, "contribution". (noun) that portion of your
income that will now be heading to Washington, as:
The CHANGE we are asking for is necessary if we are to
restore America's (and, uh, Washington's) economy to number
one in the world.
contribution - that portion of your "excess" income that Washington
believes it can make better use of than you. This
'90s term is designed to make you feel good while
Uncle Sam picks your pocket.
Formerly known unpopularly as "taxes" (shhh. don't say the T
word out loud, it's not politically correct).
courage - ability to perform a humanitarian act or deed without regard
to personal safety or welfare. as: America had the COURAGE
to elect Bill Clinton as president.
first lady - this term has been replaced by the title "co-president"
middle class - that portion of society whose range of income extends from
the end of the poor to the beginning of the wealthy.
Also known as the mule class or the "burdened" class.
poor - what the middle class becomes after it makes
its contribution.
sacrifice - Clintoneze for the act of denying self in order to
make your contribution. as: We must SACRIFICE for
the good of all.
Formerly known as socialism, it has proven itself
effective in places such as China, Cuba, Rumania and
the Soviet Union. One need only talk to citizens
of these nations to see the effect.
spending cuts- What the president promised during his campaign. He will
help you make these by asking you to have the courage to make
your contribution. as: Increased contributions must be
balanced by the appropriate SPENDING CUTS.
we - You, me, us, them. as: You know WE must sacrifice for
the good of all.
Since the president and congress are none of the above,
they are not part of we.
wealthy - anyone making $1.00 a year more than you.
(elected officials are exempt).
This is the class of society that, to quote Commerce
Secretary, Ron Brown, "made out like bandits during the
'80's". Mr. Brown didn't do too shabby himself during that
time. He made hundreds of thousands annually lobbying
congress on behalf of several major Japanese corporations.
Of course now he is just a humble "servant" of the people.
Terry Peres
: For the record, the haircut was not a $200 one, but more like a $50K or $70K
: one, counting the expense for keeping Air Force 1 idling. What it cost to
: the airliners circling around in the sky is anyone's guess.
Sorry to correct you dave, but the money spent by the private airlines to
keep their planes in the air for an hour will Bilzo got his haircut cannot
be considered an expense to the taxpayer.
No, it was an "Investment in America" on the part of the airlines.
Good one! anyone else notice that the Clinton group is now number TEN
in articles posted to the net? Could there be a correlation here? As
his popularity drops, he shovels out more of his bull?
A father from Little Rock was
overheard talking to his son
at the Arkansas State Fair.
Father: M R MIDDLE CLASS
Son : M R KNOT
Father: S A R
Father: C M M T POCKETS
Son : L I B
Son : M R MIDDLE CLASS
(of things to come!)
As you know, there were many candidates for National Bird. Franklin
favored the wild turkey which is a tough resourceful bird, totally unlike
the butterball thing you buy at Thanksgiving. Others favored the American
Bald Eagle because it looked fierce and noble.
Bill Clinton's choice for National Bird, is the Yellow Bellied Sap Sucker.
Co-President Rodhams choice is either the Shrike (the female of which,
castrates its mate after coupling, [Watch your balls, Bill!]) or the
Harpie which is a kind of vulture. Harpies were the birds that tore out
Prometheus' liver because he had the temerity to bring down fire from the
Home of the Gods.
Labor Secretary Reich's choice is the miniature budgie, a diminutive bird
that talks much and says little. Ms. Reno's choice is no doubt the Jail Bird.
The Liberal Media have only been telling part of the haircut story, my
conservative friends.
It seems that while Bill was getting his haircut, he also got a manicure.
Actually, being a country boy and all, Bill did know for sure what a
manicure was a first, but the manicurist was a beautiful woman wearing a
very revealing low-cut blouse. So he sat quietly and enjoyed the view.
Just as the haircut was done, the manicurist was finishing up, and looked
up and asked Bill: "Do you want your cuticles push back?"
"Aww no, that's OK", replied Bill, "it'll be all right when I stand up."
[On the claim that "lying" should be grounds to nullify an election:]
"If that's the standard, President Clinton could get the death penalty
at this point." -- Jay Leno
Subject: We were so poor that...
We were so poor that even Bill Clinton's tax plan would't call us rich.
Bill: ``Guess what! I just heard that George and Washington aren't husband
and wife!''
Hillary: ``What difference does it make as long as they love each other.''
What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust
Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, Bill Clinton.
Gonorrhea --- it can be cured.
Why is Bill Clinton not circumcised? [per Gennifer Flowers]
It would involve throwing away the best part.
Why did a Bill Clinton send an unsigned check for a hundred dollars to a
charity?
He wanted to make an anonymous contribution.
RECIPE FOR: DEMOCRATIC PARTY MIX
INGREDIENTS:
All kinds of: FRUITS, NUTS and FLAKES.
Liberal portion of PORK.
Enough dark chocolate to meet the required QUOTA.
DIRECTIONS:
Mix all ingredients well. (Must be stirred up by a FEMINIST).
Cook over a BURNING AMERICAN FLAG until HALF-BAKED.
Soak in CHEAP LIQUOR for a week, sprinkle with diced FETUS,
garnish with whole POT leaves, and serve FLAMING.
**This recipe is based on Ideal Conditions. If everything
is not Ideal then it will not work at all.
SERVING SUGGESTIONS:
Best if eaten with your MISTRESS while high, drunk and standing
on the American Flag at an NEA sponsored HOMOSEXUAL bondage art
exhibit during a PRO-ABORTION rally lead by FEMI-NAZI Hillary Clinton.
WARNING:
Not for Human Consumption. Only LIBERALS can eat this substance.
If accidentally ingested by a conservative, simply induce
vomiting. The best way to do this is to go to an NEA art exhibit,
listen to some obscene rap music, or watch the democratic national
convention.
Clinton Economic Axioms
Taxing smoking will reduce smoking.
Taxing alcohol will reduce drinking.
Taxing energy will reduce energy consumption.
Taxing business will increase business.
Taxing health care will increase health care.
Taxing productivity will increase productivity.
Restricting trade will increase trade.
Cabinet meeting...
Janet Reno: Good morning, Hillary!
Hillary Ramrod Clintor: mmmm! mmmm! (sticks her tongue out and
mumbles) Excuse me, I've got an erection.
Why is Hillary suing Bill for divorce?
Because he's doing to everybody what he should only be doing to her.
Who was the biggest corporate contributor to Clinton's campaign?
Snap-On Tools, Inc.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AMERICAN K.I.A. POOL
RULES: 1. Put your name in the appropriate space
2. Put your guess of the date and time President Clinton will get
the first American killed in Bosnia in the appropriate space
3. Enter as often as you can afford
4. Each entry costs one (1) young person in reasonably good
fighting trim
WINNERS: Will receive a reasonable facsimile of a Presidential
condolence letter and a genuine replica of the
purple heart the deceased family gets! Impress your
friends!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date of first
Name of young person American K.I.A.
Your Name: (Entry Fee): in Bosnia:
========================== ============================== ================
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
Top 10 Pet Peeves of Algor
10. He's just a heartbeat away from obscurity
9. All those Big Mac wrappers on the White House lawn
7. Having to be Roger's designated driver
6. All that practice spelling 'potato'
5. (missed also, damn)
4. WWF superstars won't answer their mail
3. (can't read my handwriting here, ack)
2. Press forgets that he had an affair with Gennifer also
1. Getting buried alive
Rumor has it that President Clinton is considering starting a new career
as a book wholesaler. He is said to be especially interested in the former
best-seller, "The Peter Principle". Even his harshest critics think that
Mr. Bill may be on to something this time.
The media has come up with some good nicknames for Bill Clinton,
is anyone keeping a list?
Actually, this would apply to almost anyone he comes in contact with
I suppose. (Al Gore, Hillary, socks...;)
There's Billary, Al "Captain Planet" Bore, Slick Willy(old),
The Capitol Hillbillies (Did the Capitol Steps do this?)
Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.
Al Gore's daughters were overheard at Take-your-Daughter-to-Work-Day
complaining that they were bored and demanded to go back to school
Clinton on his hundredth day in office said he's done a lot but still has a
lot farther to go. That's right, he hasn't broken all his campaign promises
yet"
President Clinton's latest trial balloon is that he wants to create a new
trust fund. The plan is that all money raised by new taxes would go into
this fund and that all the money in this fund would go toward paying off
the national debt. One of Clinton's advisors has reportedly been fired
for suggesting that this new fund be named "Social Security #2".
Yet Another Clinton nickname:
Willy the Weasel.
Well, Lem says it's early to say.
Looks , though, Mr. Clinton's threat to scatter US Post Offices and
postal workers around in Serbia and Bosnia has brought a truce to the
area.
Subject: Bill ' Ricky Nelson ' Clinton!
Fools rush in
Where Europe fears to tread
And so I go to Bosnia
My ass around my head
Though I see
The danger there
If there's a chance to be like Kennedy
Then I don't care!
Fools rush in
Where wise men never go
But wise men never run for president
So how are they to know?
When we bombed
I felt an erection begin!
So open up the bays
And let this fool rush in
Uncle Sam stop issuing seven-year bonds on Wednesday.
< whistle > < whistle >
Hint: It's a big, big hint from Uncle Sam :)
Friday, May 14, 1993
NEW YORK -- President Clinton's brother, Roger, and another man
became embroiled in a heated argument at a New York Knicks
basketball game, the New York Post reported today.
Devion Arkison said Roger Clinton attacked him when he made a
remark about the president.
Arkison, 28, said Clinton jumped from his seat at Madison Square
Garden Wednesday night, grabbed him in a chokehold and scratched
his face.
Clinton said Arkison "was being very crude...and my principles were
such that when people are insulting my brother or my mother, I felt
I had to say something," the Post said.
Witnesses told the Post they overheard Arkison say, "Bill's outta
here in three years, and your 15 minutes of fame are almost up."
The Clinton presidency has been faltering in recent weeks and polls
show that Bill Clinton has the lowest approval ratings of any modern
president.
[Like David Letterman predicted, Roger is going to be *trouble*.
It's Jimmy and Billy Carter all over again.]
Bill and Hillary are driving through Arkansas and stop at a
full-service station. Hillary points at the grease monkey filling
their car with gasoline and exclaims: "Look! It's the guy I used to
date in high school!"
Bill (pompously): "Aren't you lucky you married me and not him?"
Hillary: "Not at all, if I had married him, he's be President now, and you'd
be pumping gas."
Q: How does Hillary know that Chelsea's got her period?
A: She tastes blood on Bill's prick.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.
Q: What are Bill's two favorite campaign promises?
A: ``The check is in your mouth'' and ``I won't come in the mail.''
Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.
Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
A: Runs away from the draft.
Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
A: He's got his jogging suit on.
Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.
Q: Why does Hillary always try to get on top?
A: Because Bill can only f--- up.
Bill Clinton goes to a hair stylist.
"Good morning Mr. President, what are you going to do about Bosnia?"
"I'm here to have my hair cut, what the f--- do you care about Bosnia?"
"I don't care a f--- about Bosnia, dahling, but it's easier to cut your hair
when it stands on end."
What did Hillary say to Bill before the election?
"We'd better win this one, or I'm moving in with Marina Navratilova!"
White House press conference.
Reporter: "Mr. President, you have admitted that you smoked pot once but didn't
inhale the smoke...
Have you also engaged in any indiscretions with the population group that are
your most ardent supporters?" [am I phrasing this right... -D? ]
Clinton: "Yes, I sucked a c--- once, but didn't swallow the cum!"
Also I saw a bumper sticker "Abort Clinton" the other day.
Q: What was the *real* reason for Clinton to dodge draft?
A: He could not make it as a Naval Aviator
Q: What would Clinton do if he did not get into politics?
A: Become a botanist and play with Flowers
Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's
speaking engagements?
So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.
"When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million
new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be
tax collectors." -- Jay Leno
I am Clinton. Hear me roar!
As I send the troops to war!
And I spread the military across the land
But I'm still a small Nero
With a long, long way to go
Before I can invade Poland!
Yes, I lied. And my promises were feigned.
Yes, I dodged the draft
But look how much I gained!
If I want to, I can bomb ANYONE!
I am PRESIDENT!
I am INVINCIBLE!
I am Clllliiinnntttttoooonnnn!
War. So exciting and new
Come aboard. Bill's expecting you!
The War Boat,
Soon we'll be making another run
The War Boat,
Promises something for everyone
Put your mind on adventure
Set your sights on Cyrus Vance
And War
Won't hurt anymore
It's a Tomahawk blast
On a distant shore!
Hmmm. I see here <glancing at watch> that Bill's a little
ahead of schedule. The Poland Invasion is supposed to be
4-5 years AFTER the election. But, I should have known
Bill was an achiever after the Waco Easy-Pop Oven.
The trouble with political jokes is that the dumbest one of them got elected
President...
When Bill's Congress passes a law, it's a joke... but when Hillary tells a
joke, it's the law.
[Gennifer Flowers] It could be worse... Bill Clinton could be caught in bed
with a dead woman or a live man...
They say, ever since he met JFK as a kid, Bill Clinton wanted to be President
in the worst possible way... And he's succeeded beyond his wildest dreams.
Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
Q: Why do they put Bill Clinton's picture on the insides of toilet bowls?
A: So the assholes can see who they voted for.
The trouble with Bill Clinton is that he approaches every issue with an open
mouth...
Election night...
Bill: ``Honey, we won!''
Hillary: ``Honestly?!''
Bill: ``Let's not bring that up...''
Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.
Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.
Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
Now it's got two left wings.
Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken
and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
It's a brainless, spineless, dickless, left-wing asshole, tar-and-feathers
yellow chicken with no balls.
(Footnote: Tyson Foods are some Arkansas chicken farmers who torture their
chicken (ever heard of de-beaking?), pollute the environment with chickenshit,
and have paid millions of dollars to Co-Governors Bill & Hillary Clinton to
look the other way. :)
Reporter: ``Ms. Co-president, what are your views on capital punishment?''
Hillary: ``I like it when women are hung like men!''
Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.
Bill asks a page girl out. Her response: ``Mr. President, if you can raise
my skirt as high as you're hiked our taxes, if you can get your dick as hard
as you've made our lives hard, if you can screw me like you've screwed the
American people, then I'll go out with you!''
How many people work in civil service under Bill?
Maybe one in ten.
Why did Bill abolish coffee breaks for civil servants?
Because coffee kept them awake all day.
A Washington woman calls 911: ``There's a Republican standing outside my
window, masturbating!''
``Lady, how do you know he's a Republican?''
``If he was a Democrat, he'd be screwing somebody!''
Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.
Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land
first?
A: Who cares?
Clinton has designed a new energy efficient car with no seat and no steering
wheel, for those of us who have lost our asses and have nowhere to turn.
Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble is, medical
care is a frill.
Two birds flying over the White House...
``Say, are you for Clinton?''
``Why not? He's for us!''
The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's
faces on them...
But test marketing showed that the customers would spit on the wrong side
of the stamps.
Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.
Clinton is shaking hands with voters.
``Pleased to meet you,'' says one old man, ``I've heard a lot about you.''
Clinton laughs: ``But you can't prove any of it!''
Bill Clinton's is addressing a gathering.
``We've got to tighten our belts...''
The audience is clapping.
``We've got to make sacrifices...''
The audience goes wild.
``Things will get much worse before they get better...''
Audience: ``Thank you, Mr. President!'' ``That's good for the business!''
Bill is flabbergasted. ``I'm trying to tax all the business out of business,
what the hell are you telling me that I'm doing something that's good for
your business? Where am I at, anyway?''
Aide: ``At the undertakers' convention!''
Preelection voter registration drive in Arkansas. Two Democrat activists are
walking through the local cemetery, copying the names off the tombstones.
They come across an old tombstone so covered with dirt and moss that they
can't make out the name.
``Let's skip this one,'' says one.
``Naw, this man's got as much right to vote for Bill Clinton as anyone
else lying in this cemetery.''
Ballot counting an Arkansas... Among the thousands of Clinton ballots, they
see a single Bush ballot.
``Put it aside,'' says the chief counter. A few hours later they see another
Bush ballot. The chief smiles:
``Just as I thought, the Republican bastard has voted twice! Annul both his
votes.''
Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the Potomac,
when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life preserver
jacket. Bill says: ``Let's do the Democratic thing... Take a vote to see
who gets the life preserver.''
They each write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can.
Bush and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.
Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying
aboard Air Force 1.
Bill: ``Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make
someone happy.''
Hillary: ``Why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make
ten people happy.''
Al: ``Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy.''
Tipper: ``Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody else happy.''
Q: If Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat
capsized, who would be saved?
A: The United States of America!
Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to
improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.
A man goes in a bar in Montana. He is watching TV over the bar and bill
Clinton comes on. He says out loud to no one in particular, "If that guy isn't
the biggest horses ass I have ever seen, I don't know who is". A big cowboy
comes down the bar and knocks him off his stool. He got back up and started
watching TV again. This time Hillary comes on. He says again out loud, "I
thought Bill was bad the Hillary is definately the Biggest Horses Ass in the
world!" Another cowboy comes from the other end and knockes him off his
stool. The guy is perplexed. He gets back on his stool and says to the
bartended. "Excuse me, I thought I was in a pretty conservative state. Where
am I? Clinton country?" "No" the bartender said. "Sir, you're in horse
country!".
An aide brings Clinton the results of the latest public opinion poll.
``The American public thinks...''
Clinton interrupts: ``When I want to know what the American public thinks, I'll
ask myself!''
Heckler: ``Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?''
Clinton (visibly upset): ``You leave Hillary out of this!''
Clinton is giving a speech. A member of the audience wakes up momentarily
to ask: ``Hasn't he finished yet?''
A neighbor replies: ``He's finished an hour ago, but he hasn't stopped.''
``What's he talking about, anyway?''
``Dunno, he didn't get there yet.''
Clinton gives a 3-hour speech. After the speech he kicks an aide
on the shin: ``This was supposed to be a 1-hour speech!''
``Mr. President, you've read the original and 2 Xerox copies!''
Yeltsin visits Washington, DC. Clinton is giving a speech:
``Dear President Mitterand! Hillary and I are delighted...''
An aide tugs his sleeve: ``This is President Yeltsin!''
C: ``I can see that, but the teleprompter says `Mitterand'!''.
Bill: ``Have you heard my last speech?''
Hillary: ``No, I didn't know it was the last one!''
Chelsea asks Hillary: ``What did you have at the state dinner?''
H:``Some beef, some asparagus, and 7,374 green peas.''
C: ``Don't bullshit me, Mom, when did you count the peas?''
H: ``While your father was giving the speech.''
Little Chelsea walks into the bathroom while Bill Clinton is taking a shower.
She points to his penis and asks: ``Daddy, what's that for?''
Bill grins: ``Wait till your mother goes out to a cabinet meeting, and you'll
find out.''
Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.
Chelsea asks Bill: ``Daddy, what's a Lesbian?''
``Ask Hillary, he'll show you.''
Chelsea comes comes to Hillary and announces that she has
lost her virginity.
``You were a little to old for this,'' says Hillary,
``but did you at least enjoy it?''
``The first five congressmen were fun, but then my pussy got real tired.''
Chelsea is entertaining a boyfriend in her White House quarters. At some
point she unzips his fly, bends down, and starts sucking his cock. When he
comes, she timidly asks: ``Did you like it?''
``I liked it an awful lot, but I'd never guess that you too are gay!''
1994... What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your
family --- YOU'RE HAPPY.
1996... Yeltsin asks Clinton: ``Bill, what's your hobby?''
C: ``I collect jokes about myself.''
Y: ``How many have you got already?''
C: ``Three concentration camps full!''
Nation-building kit, size small, slightly used. Has new water pump
and security option. Unfortunately my wife wants me to get rid of it
since we have other things to spend the money on. Best offer.
Contact bi...@whitehouse.gov.
From a...@escom.com Sat Oct 9 13:49:24 PDT 1993
During Desert Shield, President Bush made a holiday visit
to the mideast to visit the troops.
Wonder if Commander-in-Chief Clinton plans on making a trip to
Somalia this Thanksgiving? They could have all the press out on
the beach when he wades ashore, wonderful photo opportunity.
Then they could get pictures of him leading a protest against
the imperialist yankee military and burning an American flag.
Of course, all that would make him hungry. Do they have a
McDonalds there, I wonder..?
wol...@cybernet.cse.fau.edu (christopher motherway) writes:
>IN OTHER NEWS: President Bill Clinton announced yesterday that over
>6,000 more troops will be sent to Somalia to protect and bring back U.S.
>troops already stationed there.
A White House insider, commenting on Clinton's announcement the other
day, said "It may look inconsistent to announce a withdrawal and to
increase troop strength at the same time but, in fact, it is not."
I hate it when I finally get my moment of glory and I'm upstaged by
Michael Jordan. That guy has been jealous of me for as long as I can
remember. Anyway, from the "Morning Briefing" section of today's Los
Angeles Times:
After his speaking engagement in Culver City yesterday, President
Clinton stopped off at the Los Angeles Air Force Base for some
exercise, where he ran a few miles on a treadmill and played in a
basketball game. President Clinton scored a basket early in the
game, and afterwards Scott Turner, the man assigned to defend the
President, had this to say "The guys in the gym are calling me Agent
Horgan now [after the character played by Clint Eastwood in the
movie Line of Fire] because I was assigned to the guard the
President but let the shot get through."
-- Scott T.
Secretary of State Warren Cristopher, on Meet the Press Sunday morning,
was asked if the Clinton administration ruled out sending more troops
into combat to arrest Somalia warlords. He replied, "we're not ruling
anything out, but the focus is on a political solution."
Well, great, bring the troops home and send over some politicians.
Top 10 Signs You're a One-Term President.
10.
9. Larry King bumps you to make room for other guests.
8. Your Secret Service codename is "Carter II".
7. People on the White House tour refer to you as "One-Term Bubba".
6. Your long-lost half-brother won't return your calls.
5. There's a Century 21 sign on the White House lawn.
4. Rich Little doesn't bother to learn an impression of you.
3. You change your name to a symbol, but everyone calls you "Prince" anyway.
2. Dukakis offers to split a Winnebago with you.
1. You get Madonna pregnant.
[My shorthand on #10 is indecipherable...hopefully someone else can fill it in]
Bill Clinton walks into a marital aids store and says to the proprietor: "I
want Hillary to fuck me in the ass with a dlido! I want the biggest dildo
you've got!"
"Yes, Mr. President, here's a 10-inch white dildo for $60."
"It's not big enough!"
"Here's a deluxe 13" 15-speed black dildo for $80."
"It's not big enough! How much is this 18" plaid dildo in your desk?"
"$120, Mr. President."
"I'll take it!"
As soon as Bill walks out the door, the proprietor starts calling his friends:
"Guess what! Bill Clinton just came in and bought my thermos!"
Why is the Mississippi flooding?
Because Bill Clinton took all the dykes with him to Washington.
I heard that the president and Bill played golf today.
Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
He's afraid of the draft.
What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
About 50 pounds and a black dress. (Sorry thats an italian grandmother)
About 20 pounds and a joggins suit.
Did you hear they caught Clinton lying on his income tax return?
He checked the "head of household" box.
Clinton is merely doing for gays in the military what Hilary has done for
Bozos in the White House: as long as she doesn't *tell* anyone she's the
President, she can continue to *be* the President.
Bumper sticker:
IMPEACH CLINTON!
And her husband, too!
I suspect that a lot of Hillary-bashers are afraid of an independent,
outspoken First Lady... she threatens their masculinity to the point
where their only recourse is to threaten hers!
Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service
would be out-gunned!
Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service
would be out-gunned!
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his father?
A: Bill Clinton's father only screwed *half* the country.
Top Ten Things Congresspersons Asked Hillary
2. If he jogs every day, why's he so fat?
FLASH ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!
Halloween and Thanksgiving have been canceled in Arkansas in 1993.
Congress is discussing adding 2 new faces to Mount Rushmore -
USA President Bill Clinton.
Really really short modern bestsellers:
Attractive leaders of the Feminist Movement
Clinton Policies that actually save money
The Logic of the Politically Correct
History of the Countries where Socialism worked
Good Points of Clinton's Health Program
Nazi-Feminists that Makes Sense
The Differences Between the PC Movement and McCarthyism
"The Submissive Woman" by Hillary (Rodham) Clinton.
"Life During Wartime" by Bill Clinton.
Avoiding the Tax and Spend Government - by Slick Willy
Q. WHAT DOES CLINTON AND JFK HAVE IN COMMON?
A. THEY HAVEN'T HAD ANY BRAINS FOR THE LAST THIRTY YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here's my new-and-improved Barney song...
As sung by Bill and Hillary....
I Love you
You Love me
We are bill and Hillary
With programs that will make you sore,
We're political dinosaurs.
What with scientists wanting to exhume Abraham Lincoln's remains
and analyze his DNA to determine whether he had Marfan's Syndrome, why
not dig up and clone a whole set of presidents? Then Disneyland could
have a real Abe Lincoln instead of a crummy robot...
As the National Park Service has discovered, presidents are a
great tourist attraction. Presidential Park could be established somewhere
in the vicinity of Mt. Rushmore...
Of course, unpredictable things might happen if they couldn't get a
complete DNA sequence for Eleanor Roosevelt and had to fill the gaps
with donations from Hillary Clinton...!
One hundred eighty-seven Republicans walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve Republicans!"
A Republican says, "You're taxing our patience!"
...
One hundred eighty-seven Democrats walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve.........!"
The Democrats shut him up and filed a discrimination complaint.
The bartender testified, "I'm sorry, we don't serve after 2:00 a.m.!"
Good evening. I'm Chris Wolvie and I AM the pumpkin king.
And here's the news:
OUR TOP STORY: The blockade of Haiti took a nasty turn yesterday when a
Coast Guard ship fired on a barge that would not heed the calls from the
ships. It was later discovered that this was the same barge which rammed
the bridge in Alabama and caused the Amtrak accident a month ago. A
spokesman for the Coast Guard stated dismay, thinking that it might have
rammed into the Port-Au-Prince harbor and make their job a tad easier.
Russian President Boris Yeltsin revoked his statement about hard-line
communists not being allowed to participate or even vote in new
Parlimentry elections this December. When asked why the change of heart,
Yeltsin stated, "Hey, my approval ratings are higher than ever since the
tanks attacked the Parliment. I NEED these guys to push around in case
people start doubting me!"
In related news, U.S. President Bill Clinton and Vice-President Al Gore
will be visiting Russia next week. Clinton was not really looking
forward to going to meet Yeltsin, stating that the Russian leader was not
as "animated" a character has the last two gentlemen he met: Beavis and
Butt-Head.
Liar,..er, I mean...ATTORNEY General Janet Reno stated in a Senate
hearing this week that if television stations do not crack down on
violence on the screen, the government may have to step in. When asked
how they would take action, Reno simply said, "Remember Waco".
Now this...
**************************************************************************
(Scene of a U.S. Naval Ship out in the Caribean (sp?), main deck. Sailor
talks into camera)
"Last year, I signed up for duty in the U.S. Navy because I needed a
sense of adventure, a sense of superiority over others. Today, I'm 30
miles outside of Haiti keeping scumballs from breaking the international
blockade against the island. (Looks over bow) HEY! GET THAT BOAT OUTTA
HERE! (Pause) OKAY, BUDDY! YOU ASKED FOR IT! (Turns to gunner) FIRE
AWAY!"
(Cut to innocent barge and crew getting blasted by a 60mm shell)
(Cut back to sailor)
"YEAH! GOT 'EM! WHOOOOOO!"
(Ad slogan appears below)
NAVY
IT'S NOT JUST A JOB, IT'S A WAY TO SHOW YOUR MANHOOD BY WASTING INFERIOR
PEOPLE WHO DISOBEY YOU!
**************************************************************************
Heard this morning that Bill Clinton is planning to go to
Moscow in January. Got me to wondering *why* he might make
this trip, what with being so busy with Hillary's health plan
and all. Here's some possible reasons:
10. Find out if the Russian health care system is as good
as Yeltsin says it is.
9. Gays in the Russian military, too!
8. Meet up with Gennifer Flowers for a romantic international
ski weekend.
7. Looking for a better private school for Chelsea.
6. Eleanor Roosevelt told Hillary he should go.
5. Two words, snow jogging!
4. Try out the deep-fried cabbage at MacDonalds.
3. Find some place Rush Limbaugh **isn't** on the radio.
2. See if he can get a good deal on a retirement dacha
(just in case they really hose things up over here.)
And the Number One reason Bill is going to Moscow in January:
1. Finally drop off that 20-year old canister of microfilm.
Well, after the PLO's and Israel shook hands and said that
everything was "hunky-dory", Clinton invited the Israeli Prime
Minister back to the oval office. The Prime Minister looked at
Clinton's desk and noticed that he had three phones: a black one, a
red one, and a white one. The Prime Minister asked, "What is the red
phone for?" Clinton said, "It's a direct line to Russia. Got to keep
up with Yeltsin." Then the Prime Minister asked, "What's the white
one for, then?" Clinton said, "That's a direct line to God. Did you
know that it's a $5,000,000 a minute phone call to him?" The Prime
Minister just nodded and went on with the tour.
Weeks later, Clinton took a secret trip to Israel and toured the
Prime Minister's office. He noticed that the Prime Minister had three
phones just like his. He asked, "What's the red phone for?" The
Prime minister replied, "It's a direct line to Russia." Clinton
nodded and then asked, "What's the white one for?" The Prime Minister
replied, "It's a direct line to God." Clinton said, "How can a poor
country like yours afford that expensive phone call?" The Prime
Minister said, "Oh, well, here it's local."
In response to Janet Reno's challenge to reduce violence on TV
(or else...), CBS has come up with the following favorites of
the Clinton administration and family:
BEVERLY HILLBILLIES 90210
Com'n listen to the story 'bout a bunch of rich spoiled teenagers,
barely keep their clothes on. This spinoff of the not-so-popular
movie is reportedly a favorite of Chelsea Clinton's. This week
Ellie Mae has a lot of explaining to do when she invites Arsenio
over to do "the wild thing." Jethro still has that nasty infection.
BUTTROAST, BY GOLLY!
United Nations Secretary General Butros Butros Ghali gives it all
up to open a butcher shop in Arkansas. The specialty of the house,
you got it, butt roast. Bill Clinton tunes in every week for the
combination of politics and damn good downhome food. Even if he
is a furriner.
PICKET NOSES
CBS changed the name of this show a couple years ago to get more
audience share. This week, a group of homosexual (uh, gay) midget
(uh, short people) dyslexic agnostic insomniacs stay up all night
wondering if there is a DOG. In a subplot, a group of renegade
Indians (uh, Native Americans) take over a public building and leave
the place a mess. The two young officers finally have unprotected
sex...on the sherriff's desk. In a subplot, a group of dikes (uh,
lesbians) midget dyslexic agnostic insomniacs stay up all night
wondering if there is a BITCH. This show is reportedly a favorite
of Donna Shalala's. Even if there are too many men in the cast.
PLAYING WITH FIRE
This new show, about a group of Amazons who take over a crumbling
bureaucracy and restore some order to it, is reportedly a favorite
of Janet Reno's.
(True)
The Internet Multicasting Service was scheduled to demonstrate
Internet mail etc. on the White House lawn yesterday (October 21,
1993) but at the last minute was told there would be no electrical
power available. Making the best of it, Carl Malamud said:
"We're pleased to announce that the White House demonstration
we were planning, though slightly changed in execution from
our original goals, made a form of technical history. Though
our project proposal was approved for Internet connectivity,
some slight logistical misunderstandings resulted in a
decision by White House staff that no power would be available
to any of the vendors, making operation of our computers a real
challenge.
We went ahead and made sure that our configuration would work
both with and without power in our facilities and at other
remote sites. The system worked beautifully but, due to the
no-power requirement, during our actual installation we reverted
to Plan B and installed the world's first Powerless LAN (pLAN).
We're pleased to report that this pLAN worked and implementation
was flawless. The boxes sat on the table and were able to
do everything you would expect out of a computer with the power
switched off. At this level of functionality, we successfully
demonstrated interoperability between machines from Sun Microsystems,
Persoft, Intel, Hewlett Packard, and many other leading firms
in the computer and communications industries."
Boy walks up to girl and says "I'm so bright my father calls me SUN!"
Humoriously impaired girl (blonde?) thinks this is Hillaryious (Rodham
Clintinous) so the next person she sees she says " I'm so bright my
mother calls me DAUGHTER"
(Overheard in the Computer Science Undergraduate Association office)
Everyone on the net by now knows that mail to the President can be
sent to pres...@whitehouse.gov, and that mail to the Vice President
should be addressed to vice-pr...@whitehouse.gov. However, most people
don't realize that mail to Hillary Clinton should be adressed to
ro...@whitehouse.gov.
On Tuesday, October 12, President Bill Clinton gave the keynote address
at a celebration of University of North Carolina's 200th anniversary.
Friendly Pawn in nearby Durham, NC displayed the following sign:
Welcome Pres. Clinton
Ammo 50% off
Has anyone seen the bumper
stickers that say
CLUCK FINTON!
I overheard this remark in a discussion of how
Clinton's recent bumblings were similar to the
previous Democratic presidency:
"Welcome back Carter"
(as in the TV show Welcome back Kotter for those
too young to remember, but then you were lucky enough
not to remember Jimmy Carter, too)
There was a game show on T.V every week, in which a Special guest had
10 questions to discover what the mystery item was.
So one week the host introduces the special guest and it's none other
than Hillary Clinton. The audience are delighted as the host sits
Hillary down on a chair and blindfolds her. Then just before he pulls
back the curtain on this weeks mystery item, he take a look at what it
is, 'cos he didn't even know himself. He nearly dies of embarrasement
when he sees it's a 'horses cock'. Thinking quickly he decides to go
ahead since it's a live show. So he draw back the curtain and the
audience cracks up laughing.
So the host say to Hillary, "Can we have your first question".
Hillary replies " Could you eat it? "
And the host mumbles a bit and says " Eh well, I eh suppose you could"
The host then says " And what's your next question Hillary?" Hillary
replies " It wouldn't happen to be a horses cock would it???"
Saw this great bumper sticker , yesterday.
"First Hillary, then Jennifer, now me."
Bill Clinton and Al Gore are flying over the Midwest to observe the
damage from the flooding. Looking out the window of the plane,
Clinton exclaims, "What a disaster! Maybe I should throw twenty of
these $5 bills out the window to help out and make twenty people happy
down there." Gore responds, "Why don't you throw out 100 $1 bills and
make 100 people happy?" The pilot turns around and says, "why don't
you two bastards jump out of the plane and make the whole country
happy?"
Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
A: He turned into Hillary!
If half of America is illiterate, why did Clinton only get 43% of the vote??!!
Study of health care delivery systems around the world
reveals that
Socialized medicine gives you AIDS.
Commercial medicine charges for it.
[Background: AIDS-infected orphans in Ceaucescu's Romania,
an overdue-for-bankruptcy German vendor skimping on AIDS screening,
etc. etc. etc. Timor mortis conturbat me.]
More short books:
"Why People are More Important than Animals" - Greenpeace
"Deep-Thinking Liberals"
"The Contribution of Political Correctness to Free Speech"
"Why Political Correctness is not Censorship"
"The Merits of Gun Control"
"Feminists Worth Marrying"
"How Mass Unemployment Helps the Economy" - by various socialists
"To Tell the Truth" - by President Bill Clinton
It's still the economy.
And he's still stupid.
Q: Didja hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to
commemorate President Clinton's election?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes
President!
WILLIE'S ODE
Zoe then Kimba
another letdown,
why all these bozos
including Ron Brown?
Keep armed services strong
was a campaign intent,
and I'll strengthen morale
with the sexually bent.
The deficit problem
needs cuts by sharp axes,
but it's politically tough
so I'll ask for more taxes.
Taxes on gasoline
(take the bus or the train)
and a national sales tax
on all value gain.
Hillary will help us
on medical costs,
with a map to the West Wing
she'll never get lost.
By the time I get done
they'll all have had a lickin'
and it'll seem just like Little Rock
with my Tyson fried chicken.
More taxes and pandering
will be my legacy,
I conned them in Arkansas
and now in Washington D.C.
Q: My brother explained why Bill Clinton is having so many
woes:
A: Bill Clinton has been in the Flowers and weeds!!
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the
answer to this one.
Q: What do the Titanic and the Clinton Administration have
in common?
A: .........going down fast
This guy goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at
a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why
there are no hands. The sales clerk says - "you are suppose to read
his lips". He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and
notices that it isn't running - the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it
doesn't run, it runs, it doesn't run................." He then
notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs,
has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk
how much. The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus
tax, plus tax, plus tax........................."
Bumper sticker seen in Scottsdale, AZ:
WHERE THE HELL IS LEE HARVEY OSWALD NOW THAT WE REALLY NEED HIM?
Unshakeable Principles I Live By - by Bill Clinton
Our Sex Life Since Gennifer Flowers - by Hillary Clinton
(obvious additions to the short book list)
Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two -- one to screw the bulb into the faucet while the other tells us
that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
Anil Coumar (mal...@carson.u.washington.edu) wrote:
: I desperately need some (anti) republican jokes.
You desperately need something you imbecilic democratic
feces-for-brains newbie! Have you no imagination? Make
up your own republican jokes! Like these:
----------------------------------------------------------------
[Q]How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
[A]None. The democrats do that.
[Q]How many republicans does it take to disarm the _LAW_ABIDING_
public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic
and unconstitutional laws?
[A]None. The Sociali^H^H^H^H^H^HDemocrats do that.
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
A lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
The Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
7 Corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
9 postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
10 Nazi soldiers
9 postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
11 ninja masters
10 Nazi soldiers
9 postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
12 space invaders
11 ninja masters
10 Nazi soldiers
9 Postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporate interests
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
..from Washington, DC, this holiday season, comes word that
Chelsea Clinton participated in a local production of
"The Nutcracker."
A VISIT FROM ST. HICK
(c) 1993 Christopher M. Mislow
'Twas late Christmas eve, and throughout the White House
All slumbered but Socks (who was chewing a mouse)
When all of a sudden a thunderous roar
Rattled the East Wing from rafter to floor.
Unsure if the noise was just gas or artillery,
Bill Clinton took action: he deputized Hillary.
In her robe and her slippers, she trudged to the source
Of the noise and saw nothing, but then heard a coarse
Texas twang from the fireplace clamor
"Down here! Are y'all just as blind as those tinhorn reindeer?"
There, on the hearth, 'midst the timber and tinder,
Sat H. Ross Perot, all covered wit cinder.
"Your flue," he complained, "is disgusting with soot.
You gave far too many staff members the foot.
Cutting budgets is wonderful; better is cheaper.
But you need either Zoe's or Kimba's housekeeper.
From ashes that thick, someone's breathing might fail.
Thank goodness, like Bill, that I didn't inhale."
"Why, Ross," replied Hillary, "pray tell what is it
To which Bill and I owe this Christmas Eve visit?
You're certainly welcome to use the front door.
Did you come down the chimney to hide from Al Gore?"
Shaking the layer of ash from his head,
Ross brushed his flattop, glowered and said:
"No, M'am. I'm a shareholder in Santa Claus, Inc.,
Whose dividends recently started to sink.
When I finally cornered old Santa himself,
He offered to hire me on as an elf!
So I planned my attack, set my financing snares,
Then bought all the company's outstanding shares.
Christmas trees won't be all that get trimmed from now on;
The era of deficit budgets is gone.
The business is gonna be run right because
All day, every day, now I am Santa Claus."
From his inside coat pocket Ross whipped out a chart
And a pointer he brandished with well-practiced art.
"Now, you look at this. You see this here graph?
The way Santa's workshop was run is a laugh.
Those North Pole utility bills are a joke,
And the union-scale wages will soon have us broke.
We need much, much cheaper electrical power,
And elves who don't make fifteen dollars an hour."
For dramatic effectiveness, Ross took a pause,
Then resumed his debut as the new Santa Claus.
"Each new day brings another environment rule.
Recycling toys is a pain in the Yule!
The slogan 'keep the North Pole white'
Is driving expenditures clear out of sight.
Luckily, NAFTA provides a solution,
A haven in which I can discharge pollution
Into the air or the land of my neighbor,
Where the powe union committee:
I'm moving the workshop to Mexico City."
Then, in a twinkle, up the chimney he went,
Back through the soot out the cold rooftop vent.
But not before saying, with a wink and a nod,
"Buenas noches, Miss Hillary, and Feliz Navidad!"
I understand Lee Iacocca has been consulted on the development of Bill
Clinton's new Presidential limousine: the Dodge Drafter.
True story:
In the Library of Congress' electronic card catalog, one can run a search
on pretty much any subject phrase. The results of one search in particular
were interesting:
Subject: Erotic Art
See Art, Immoral
I guess the database hasn't been revised since Clinton assumed office...
The White Houses recent embarassment regarding cabinet nominations,
specifically dealing with Zoe Baird, Kimba Wood, and most recently, Bobby
Ray Inman, all of whom failed to pay delinquint Social Security taxes until
nominated, has given President Clinton an idea for filling the nations
coffers.
Starting next week the IRS will begin nominating everybody who owes back
taxes to U.S. cabinet posts. If it works then they may even fight
organized crime by offering Senate seats to mafia bosses.
>I am new to this e-mail thing, and I had a question. Is it a federal crime
to say "I AM GOING TO KILL THE PRESIDENT!" on Usenet?
>Just wondering.
Considering the incumbent president, I would have to say no.
The Clinton administration announced today that if North Korea will
voluntarily turn in its nuclear bombs, we will send them a certificate
for $100 worth of toys or sneakers.
If you've already heard this, or heard a different version, DWI.
Rush Limbaugh and Hillary Clinton are alone on an elevator. Hillary grabs
the STOP button and pulls it out, stranding the pair between floors.
She strips off her clothes, throws them to the floor and says "Rush, make
me feel like a _woman_!"
Rush strips off HIS clothes, throws them to the floor, and says "Fold those."
Have you heard? Kentucky Fried Chicken (tm) is selling a new Hilary
Clinton Bucket. There's no breast meat, big thighs, and lots of left
wings.
OBJoke:
Q. What's the difference between the Panama Canal and Hillary Clinton?
A. The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
The Good Neighbor Political Hypocrisy Test:
1) Think of a person you know, such as a neighbor, or your brother-in-law,
or someone else who you like as a person (i.e. NOT the neighbor whose
dog does doodies on your lawn). Lets call him/her Bobby, to make the
verbiage shorter; but it must in actuality be someone you know and
like as a person.
2) Ask the following question:
If Bobby objected to the thing you are advocating and refused to
go along with it, would you willingly take gun in hand, kidnap Bobby,
and put him/her into a cage? Would you be willing to shoot Bobby if
he/she refused to come quietly? Would you personally perform the
arrest, and personally kill Bobby if he/she resists by force?
If you answer "no" to the question but still support the political
issue, how do you explain your hipocrisy? The police, at your request,
will do precisely what you yourself are refusing to do.
Some examples of where I believe many Liberal issues are utterly
hypocritical:
Socialized Medicine:
Would you abduct and possibly shoot your neighbors if they refused
to buy their health insurance through the same company you do?
The IRS will, more so if President Clinton has her way.
Social Security:
Would you abduct and possibly shoot your neighbors if they refused
to pay into the same pension plan you do? The IRS will.
Gun Control:
Would you abduct and possibly shoot your neighbors if they refused
to give their gun collection to you with no compensation, while you
kept a collection of guns of your own? The BATF will.
Welfare:
Would you abduct and possibly shoot your neighbors if they refused
to give money to your favorite charity? The IRS will.
Public Schools:
Would you abduct and possibly shoot your neighbors if they refused
to send their kids to the school you specify? Would you break and
enter into their house to steal the money they would have been
able to spend on tuition at the school of their choice? Would you
abduct and possibly shoot them if they tried to stop you? The IRS
will.
>Who/what are/were Ren & Stimpy?
There other names for Bill and Al.
Kenna-Day-O
Kenna-day, Kenna-day, Kenna-day, Kenna-day-ay-o
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Say Mr. Kennedy put back your banana
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Uncle Ted is naked out on the veranda
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Late one night down in Palm Beach town
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Brought young girl back to the big compund
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Hormones. Hormones.
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Kenna-day-o, Kenna-day-ay-o
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Up in Chappaquiddick Teddy looked for romance
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
JFK couldn't keep it in his own pants
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Kenna-day-o, Kenna-day-o
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Kenna-day-o, Kenna-day-o
Hormones are raging, they won't leave us alone
(written by Robert Wohlfield)
The Dutch prime-minister Lubber is visiting president Clinton, but Lubbers
has got just one little problem: he doesn't speek English that well.
To start a conversation he sais: 'So I hear: Do you fok horses?'.
Clinton: 'Pardon!?'
Lubbers: 'Yes!!! Paarden!'.
PS Fok =Breed
Paarden=horses.
I heard this one several days ago:
Don't be so critical and demanding of Bill Clinton;
he's doing the work of 3 men: Moe, Larry, and Curly!
[[ Conversation between Hillary Clinton and Vince Foster ]]
<< Ring >>
VF: Hello.
HC: Hello, VInce. This is Hill. How's it hanging?
VF: Not bad. What can I do you for?
HC: Well Vince, it's like this: we're in the White House now, and
Bill suggested I call around and talk to people who know "bad"
things about us; you know, to be sure they won't spill the beans.
VF: Oh, Hill, you can trust me.
HC: I know, Vince, but, I just want to be sure. O.K., remember the
time you caught me blowing that shetland pony?
VF: Yes.
HC: Well, if that story ever gets out, I was taking an extension
course in animal husbandry.
VF: Sounds good to me.
HC: Fine. And the time you came in on Bill and me, and I had that
strap-on dildo thing, and was giving it to Bill up the hershey
highway?
VF: Yeah, I remember. Wasn't Bill wearing a bra? <Ha, ha>
HC: OK. Well I was just parcticing a little at-home medicine. I was
shoving his hemorrhoids back in.
VF: Gotcha.
HC: And that time you saw me 69'ing with Flavo-Fave, the rapper?
VF: Yeah, that sort of got to me. After all, we never 69'ed.
HC: I know. But Vince, Flavo was hung like a stallion. You are
hung like a pimple <ha, ha>. Anyhow, I was merely trying to
understand the deep problems that our Afro-American friends have
to go through.
VF: Makes sense.
HC: And the time you found me in bed, making love to that female tennis
star?
VF: Yeah. I popped a boner on that one.
HC: Well, her roof had leaked, and her bed got wet. I let her
sleep with me.... that's all there was to it.
VF: No problem-o, babe.
HC: OK. Now here's the clincher. Chelsa is not Bills daughter..
VF: Omigod! Whose is she?
HC: She's yours.
<< silence >>
HC: Vince? Are you there? Vince?
<< BOOM!!! >>
Mo' Books:
The Golden Voice of Roger Clinton
Roger Clinton: My Career Without My Brother Bill
Not JFK, but...
(If anybody knows the whole thing, let me know)
_The Ted Kennedy Jig_ (make it sound Irish)
Ohhhh,
Your father is dead and
Your mother is dead and
Your brother is dead and
Your brother is dead and
Your car doesn't float.
The Clintons and the Gores were very stressed out and decided to
rest at Camp David. That night they were all sitting around the fire,
Hillary then suggested that night they should partner switch. The
others were very reluctant, but Hillary talked them into it.
The next morning Hillary was at the table, reading the newspaper,
when Bill came down. Bill got a glass of juice out of the frig and
asked Hill how was the night? She said it was the best night she had
ever had and that she had 20 orgasms. Bill's face fell. Hillary,
after going into detail with Bill finally asked, "Oh, how was your
night with Al?"
What was Clinton's biggest mistake about the Whitewater scandal?
He should have hired Oliver North as his aid de camp for shredding
documents.
DON'T STOP
Original song lyrics
to the tune of "Don't Stop"
(_Rumours_ -- Fleetwood Mac)
------------------------------------------
If you wake up and aren't in the mood,
If your love life just isn't good,
Open your fly, and call the police,
You'll soon be under different sheets.
Don't stop thinking about adultery,
Don't stop, you'll soon get some,
It'll be better than before,
Hillary's gone, Hillary's gone.
Why not think about your next date,
And not about the affairs of state?
If your wife was bad to you,
Just think who tomorrow you'll screw.
Don't stop...
All we want is to get some too,
And not just wait outside for you,
We know they'll all believe that it's true,
After we go and tell on you.
Don't stop...
Ooooooh, don't you lose count.
Ooooooh, don't you lose count.
>>O.K. for you simpletons that didn't get it from reading the title:
>>Q: What did Jeffrey Dalhmer say to Loretta Bobbitt?
>Who IS Jeffrey Dalhmer?
I dunno.
But did you hear what Boy George said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"You gonna suck on that?"
Did you hear what Madonna said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"You gonna sit on that?"
Did you hear what Michael Jackson said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"You wanna sell that?"
Did you hear what Thurman Thomas said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"Be sure you don't drop that."
Did you hear what Janet Reno said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"You gonna burn that?"
Did you hear what Janet Reno said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"Attagirl!"
Did you hear what Jocelyn Elders said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"Be sure you put a condom on that."
Did you hear what Vince Foster said to Lorena Bobbitt??
"HELLLLLLP! Get me outta here!!"
Did you hear what Eleanor Roosevelt said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"As I was telling Hillary the other day, ..."
Did you hear what Bill Clinton said to Lorena Bobbit?
"Next time you're up in DC..."
Did you hear what John Bobbitt said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"NOOOOOOO! OWWWWWWWW!!! OHHH,SHITT!! NOOOOO!
YOU CRAZY BITCH!!! I DON'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!"
Separate vacation plans? Hillary goes to Europe,
Bill goes back to Little Rock...
Hillary Clinton is in fact a stage name. Hillary is an adaptation of
"Hillarious", which was Ms. Clinton's stage name when she was in
Vauderville, KY, doing late night comedy stick. Likewise Billary is a
stagename. Ms. Clinton's real (maiden) name was Jilliary Rodham.
All this can be found in Sedra & Fairchilds' _Presidential Trivia_ (ISDN:
284-9813-094, Harcourt, Brace, Jahovawitness).
Are you tired of your usual tabloids?
Sick of wondering whether or not the stuff in there was true?
If so, you're a moron, and you're perfect for....
SNOOZEWEEK! The only tabloid publication which carries this
guarantee: absolutely NONE of the stories contained within are TRUE!
That's right, the stories contained within are completely fictitious;
only our faithful subscribers (and, or course, our skilled team of libel
attorneys) protect us from harm...here's a sample issue, maybe you'll want
to become a subscriber.
=====================
S N O O Z E W E E K
-LILLEHAMMER, NORWAY -- Skater Tonya Harding announced today that she was,
in fact, the mastermind behind the clubbing of Nancy Kerrigan. The int'l
news media immediately discounted this possibility, as it had serious doubts
as to her ability to mastermind anything. This confession prompted a more
serious investigation of matters, which concluded with the alleged "hit"man
admitting that he had acted alone, saying, "I thought Monica Seles had taken
up skating."
-WASHINGTON, D.C. -- White House security officials were shocked this morning
to discover that many of the famed cherry trees that abound in our nation's
capital had been felled by a mysterious axeman. The mystery lumberjack was
identified when Secret Service agents found President Bill Clinton, budget
axe in hand, hard at work; he reported that "I cannot tell a lie, Bush and
Reagan did it."
-PLAYBOY MANSION -- At a benefit golf tournament, Hugh Hefner announced his
intention to give up his multi-million dollar magazine enterprises and join
the pro golf tour. He said, "I feel that I can do this. I score 69's all
the time." He shot 69-69-69 in the first three rounds, but was disqualified
during the third round when he was informed that the white balls to be used
were to be at least 1.44" in diameter and the hole was to be exactly 4.25"
across.
That's it for this edition of Snoozeweek...the only tabloid who openly skips
the facts completely and goes straight to what you really wanted to hear
anyway: LIES!
Here it is, 5 ways to make sure the Super Bowl is fun agian:
5. Eddie Vedder sings the National Anthem
4. Halftime show: Bill Clinton lynching
3. Two words: Crotch Cam!
2. Show the whole Bud Bowl and only parts of the Super Bowl
And the number 1 way to make the Super Bowl fun again:
**** 1. Put two teams from the NFC in the Super Bowl
Top 6 Ways The World Would Be Different If Beavis & Butthead Were President
6. If any foreign leaders cause trouble, they get hacked up with a chainsaw
5. State of the Union Address still long, but now features the president
laughing while watching music videos
4. It would be funny when a TV reporter harrasses the president, then gets
called a dumbass
3. Instead of smoking marijuana, the president would be getting high off
of frog glands
2. The ecology would be shot to hell, because they would keep feeding balloons
to dolphins
1. So they could say they banged the First Lady
1) What does Hillary Clinton and a KFC box have in common?
All you get are two small breasts, two large thighs, and two left wings!
2) What do womyn and KFC have in common?
After you finish with the breasts and thighs all that's left is a greasy box!
Who is the most dangerous woman in the world?
Answer: Tonya Rodham Bobbitt
Some net critic:
Steven Segal is ABOVE THE LAW!
Steven Segal is UNDER SIEGE!
Steven Segal is HARD TO KILL!
Steven Segal is ON DEADLY GROUND!
Steven Segal is UNABLE TO ACT!
Jawaid Bazyar, in a followup
Bill Clinton is ABOVE THE LAW!
Bill Clinton is UNDER SIEGE!
Bill Clinton is HARD TO KILL (politically)
Bill Clinton is ON DEADLY GROUND!
Unless he disproves all allegations, Bill Clinton will be UNABLE TO
ACT!
Copyright (C) 1994 The Anti-Clinton Enterprises and Jawaid Bazyar
A friend of mine just informed me that you can now send e-mail to President
Clinton using the address pres...@whitehouse.gov. Of course, I was a little
skeptical, since, after all, does the President *really* have time to read all
those emails? Of course not; but nonetheless, it's real! But I still think
he can't read all those. More likely, he has some staff people reading them
over, and they send him a summary at the end of the day. Here's what a
typical encapsulation of the day's email might look like.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Summary of Electronic Mail for Pres...@WhiteHouse.Gov
June 2, 1993
Topic Number
-------------------------------------------------
Bosnian conflict: 22,617
Support for Tax Policies: 198
Opposition to Tax Policies: 33,605
Harvard Professors with neato ideas: 288
Same with reasonable ideas: 9
Pro-Iraq: 5
Calls for Impeachment: 16,012
Travel agency ads: 61
Resumes for Cabinet openings: 4,125
Personal from Hollywood celebrities: 616
Barber called back to change appt: 1
Calls from Ross Perot: 33
Senators returning calls on budget: 0
Environmental (fwd to VP): 58,932
Foreign policy (fwd to VP): 23,811
Economy (fwd to VP): 3,096
Deficit (excl Perot, fwd to VP): 17
Health care (fwd to rodham@whitehouse): 1,456
Abortion (fwd to /dev/null): 99,361
Jokers sending harassing message after
learning of email account: 482,697
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
List of CLINTON's "first 100 days" Accomplishments:
+-------------------------------------------------+
| 1. |
+-------------------------------------------------+
One advantage Clinton has over past presidents is
that doesn't have to worry about how much time he
should spend on his re-election campaign...
-:- CLINTON - GORE / GONE IN FOUR -:-
How come there are no Whitewater jokes on rec.humor yet?
Not the generic "insert-your-favorite-president" stuff...
Something specific to this first family...
Is Whitewater used to wash the Yellow Streak off of Bill Clinton's
draft dodging back?
"Webster Hubbell, you've just been accused of overbilling customers
while you worked at the Rose Law Firm in Little Rock, and now you're
quitting, in disgrace, your job as Assistant Attorney General.
What are you going to do now?"
"I'm going to the G7 Jobs Conference in Deeetroit City.."
Did you hear about Clinton farting during his press conference today?
It got picked up by the microphones and went out over TV :)
Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 0, They like to keep him in the dark!
Q. Why was Hillary SO interested in Whitewater?
A. She had heard whitewater could be found going over a dike (dyke).
Q: What do you get when you cross a lesbian and a gay?
A: Chelsea.
This was sent to soc.culture.china by an anonymous poster:
> GO (A Chinese and Japanese board game) is a lousy game. It is boring and
> exhausting. All pieces (stones) are identical, showing oriental culture
> does not tolerate individuality. The result is either win or lose and
> there is no draw, indicating oriental culture does not advocate compromise.
> No physical representation is assigned to any piece, implying oriental people
> have no personality.
> Yeh, there is a Chinese chess. But that was brought from India and Chinese
> made some changes into it. A pawn can not be promoted and Queen is missing
> from action. Chinese do not respect small-time nobody and discriminate against
> women. They count cannon in as a chessman because they love more violence.
> They replace bishop with prime minister because they believe in power than
> free thinking. Finally they create two guards for their general or marshall
> since they are more scared and they are real "paper tigers".
> (There is no King in Chinese chess, the purpose of the game is to catch
> the general or the marshall)
and here is my reply:
> Chess, an Occidental bored;-) game is a lousy game. It's too simple
> and doesn't need to much brain. Different pieces are given different
> power and ability, showing the Anglo passion for class. Unlike the Go,
> as the game progresses, pieces are killed and less pieces are left
> than the opening of the game, implying the Occidental culture's
> preference for destruction. Whereas in Go, more pieces exist than the
> opening, and all pieces eventually coexist in an integrated way,
> showing that Oriental culture prefers peace and harmony. Besides, the
> black square bishop can not move into white squares indicating the
> Occidentals have always been promoting aparthied. However, there is
> something good about Chess, the king has to depend on his wife for
> strength, a justification for the Americans' choice of Bill Clinton
> as their president.
Oxymoron of the century:
Liberal Mastermind...
Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both
intellectuals.
Okay, so Clinton's walking this dog around the White House lawn,
right? He walks it past the guard's post, and the marine says
"Mr. President, is that a new dog?"
Clinton smiles, and replies, "Why yes, I got it for my wife."
The marine specs the dog, looks up with a smile and says, "Good
trade."
Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A: A noose
Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs
Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia
Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup
President Clinton and his lovely wife Hillary decided to cruise
around in Air Force One and look at the population. While over a
heavily populated area, the Prez stood up and threw 10 fifty dollar
bills out the window. Hillary was alarmed!
"What are you doing? ", she asked the Prez.
He replied "I'm making ten people happy."
Not to be outdone, Hillary reached into her purse, produced 20
one-hundred dollar bills, and threw them out the window.
The Prez looked at her and asked, "Dear, what are you doing?"
She replied "I'm making twenty people real happy."
Soon after, the pilot approached the air lock wearing a parachute.
The Prez look at him and said, "What are YOU doing?"
The pilot replied, "I'm making EVERYONE happy!", and jumped off the
plane.
And you didn't think Al Gore was funny.
We all know about Whitewater and the alleged shredding of documents. On
Sunday (3/6) Al responded to an interviewer's question about evidence:
"Bill and Hillary have provided the special prosecutor with every shred
of evidence they have." ^^^^^
H.I.L.L.A.R.Y's : highly inexperienced left-liberal academic righteous
yuppies!
Found this gem in a delicious Clinton bashing piece in the 3/25 Wall Street
Journal:
Q. What do you get when you cross a lesbian with a draft dodger?
A. Chelsea!
Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
what is a conservative?
a liberal who's been mugged.
Bill Clinton...a good reason to root for anyone playing Arkansas. Gee,
I'd even root for Duke!
A liberal will let a few people cheat the system to make sure that
nobody goes hungry. A conservative will let a few people go hungry to
make sure nobody cheats the system.
After hearing how Hillary made $99,000.00 profit trading livestock
futures (on a $1,000 investment), I'm surprised no liberals have
figured out how to take advantage of this.
Just give Hillary the whole GNP and let her invest it in livestock
futures. Then use the profits to pay for the Clinton health care
plan.
Yet another Oxymoron:
Whitewater Development
The Clintons are certainly running a rock and roll presidency! It
ain't workin', Hilary wants our money for nothin' and Bill wants his
chicks for free!
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked
politician?
A: Chelsea.
>A liberal will let a few people cheat the system to make sure that nobody goes
>hungry. A conservative will let a few people go hungry to make sure nobody
>cheats the system.
After hearing how Hillary made $99,000.00 profit trading livestock
futures (on a $1,000 investment), I'm surprised no liberals have
figured out how to take advantage of this.
Just give Hillary the whole GNP and let her invest it in livestock futures.
Then use the profits to pay for the Clinton health care plan.
Oxymorons Department, again....
Whitewater Development
Just thought you might get a kick out of this.
HILLARY CLINTON'S MEDICAL DICTIONARY
Artery The study of paintings
Barium What to do when a patient dies
Bowel A letter like a, e, i, o, or u
Caesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan Searching for kitty
Cauterize Make eye contact with her
Colic A sheep dog
D & C Where Hillary lives
Dilate To live long
Enema Not a friend
Genital Not a Jew
G. I. Series Soldier's ball game
Hangnail Coat hook
Impotent Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff A doctor's cane
Morbid A higher offer
Nitrates Cheaper than day rates
Node Was aware of
Outpatient A person who has fainted
Pap Smear A fatherhood test
Pelvis A cousin of Elvis
Post-Operative A letter carrier
Recovery Room A place to do upholstery
Rectum Damn near killed him
Seizure Famous Roman Emperor
Tablet A small table
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
Tumor More than one
Urine Opposite of you're out
Varicose Nearby
Vein Conceited
--------------------------------
| / |
| /___ Clinton |
| \ |
| \ |
--------------------------------
||
--------------------------------
| \ |
| Prosperity _____\ |
| / |
| / |
--------------------------------
||
||
||
||
||
(for the clueless out there, it is "clinton to the left, Prosperity to the
right)
Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
: They get elected.
The Pope and President Clinton are sitting together on a plane.
The Pope says "Hey, want to hear a good President Clinton joke?"
Clinton says "But I'm President Clinton!"
The Pope replies, "Oh, that's ok. I'll tell it slow."
|> President Bevis, Vice President Butthead
I thought that happened in November of 1992.
This might be objectionable to a particular Massachusetts Democratic Senator.
You all know that many men name their penii because they don't want
perfect strangers making 90% of their decisions.
Ted Kennedy has a name for his: "Quick Dick", for obvious reasons.
Because he uses it so much, its often tender, so he had a leather
sleeve, or chaps made for it when he's not using it.
He calls it his Chap-a-Quick-Dick.
The other day Hillary asked Bill to get a vasectomy. So he went
to his doctor and said "Doc, I'd like a vasectomy". His doc looked at
him and turned in suprise saying "You don't need me. You can do it
yourself. All you have to do is roll up a newspaper, put a little
firecracker, put it next to your ear in it and count to 10"
Bill looked at him wryly and said "I think I want a 2nd opinion. The
next day he goes to another doctor and says "Doc, I'd like a
vasectomy". His doc looked at him and turned in suprise saying "You
don't need me. You can do it yourself. All you have to do is roll up a
newspaper, put a little firecracker in it, put it next to your ear and
count to 10".
Bill tells him "I think I'm gonna go home and sleep on this one.
He wakes up the next morning and thinks he'll give it a try. After
all, 2 doctors said it would work.
He rolls up the newspaper, puts in the litle firecracker, puts it
next to his ear and starts to count with his fingers, 1,2,3,4,5, looks
frantically around for more finger, puts the rolled up newspaper between
his legs, 6,7,8,9...
From: Usenet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #645-09
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh smokey one on High...
> Why does Bill keep in denial, and weep about the
> nasty 1980's as money grubbers?
> BTW, lend me a thousand for some cattle futures, Hillary is my trader.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} In fields with Flowers, Bill could sleep,
} Beside still Whitewater, Hillary did keep,
} Money and futures her passion for the take,
} For when Bill was at home, he could not stay awake.
}
} The eighties gave Bill an exciting life,
} He could play, and romp not fearing his wife,
} She, with the brains, a money grubber herself,
} Dragged poor Bill along to power and wealth.
}
} Of course he can't see the err of his ways,
} The past is obscured by an odd Purple Haze,
} He now seems confused as each charge is detailed,
} Difficult to believe that he never inhaled!
Q: Dan Quayle, Ted Kennedy, and Bob Packwood were in a spelling bee.
Who won?
A: Dan Quayle, because he was the only one who knew that "harass" was
one word....
Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton
famous for?
A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Neat Bumpersticker:
"CLINTON DOESN'T INHALE, HE SUCKS!"
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
You pull a little ring and it NEVER tells the same story twice!
Diane Feinstein = definite insane
All "the government will save you" politicians can seriously bite me.
Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
To tax the chicken.
President Nixon left instructions that if he was seriously ill, he
did not want his breathing assisted by an artificial respirator. This
shows that, to the end, Mr. Nixon was capable of making firm,
reasonable decisions. President Clinton has also left instructions on
what should be done if he is critically ill. He wants to be placed on
a respirator, but he does not want to inhale.
Q) What do you get when you cross Chelsea Clinton with a tit.
A) The ugliest hooters on earth.
Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?
It was Secretaries' Day and he was to cheap to buy his a present!
Somebody please help the Democrats find their brain;
it appears they've lost it. Or perhaps the socialists
stole it, needing one for themselves?
Q. to: "What has two wings and a crooked willie?"
A. Air Force One.
Jim McDougal
Would you buy a used governor from this man?
> When will Billie Jeff and the President offer the White
>House and their personal papers and effects be searched like "dem
>po niggas" in Chicago?
I say we invoke the "zero tolerance" law and repossess
the White House.
Q. Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against
his critics?
A. Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
Q. If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before
Clinton commits perjury?
A. When he's sworn in.
Bumper Sticker:
-----------------------------------
| |
| Hey Bill ! |
| |
| Show us _your_ assault weapon. |
| |
| ~~~~~~~~~~~ |
-----------------------------------
( "your" was italicized )
There was no (C), but the ~~~~~ (small print) said,
Brought to you by The Coalition to Scare Your Panties Off
Q: Did you hear that Bill Clinton is going to have a sex change?
A: Because he wants to know how the wemen feel when being screwed.
Q. Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against
his critics?
A. Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
Q. If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before
Clinton commits perjury?
A. When he's sworn in.
Clinton is sitting around with a few dead presidents. He asks them for
advice.
George W. - Be honest!
Thomas J. - Be bold and strong!
Abe L. - Take Hillary to the theater.
Bill Clinton is a president for our times, a truly composite president.
He has the hormones of John F. Kennedy, the scrupples of Richard Nixon
and the memory of Ronald Reagan
Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
A1: I'll be home in 15 minutes.
A2: Come pick me up before she calls the cops!
A little health care poem:
So you want a right to health care?
I'm glad to hear it, friend.
We've bundled up a bunch of laws
To help you meet that end.
A friendly little system, where,
No matter what your state,
We'll slice your paycheck, just because
It makes us feel so great.
And if you're feeling poorly, well,
We'll put you on the list
Of those who need a doctor bad...
And if you still exist
A year from now - why - what the hell
We'll let you see a nurse
Who'll tell you what it was you had
And why it's gotten worse.
We'd let you see a doc, except
We're kind of understaffed.
We told them what we'd pay them now
And most of them just laughed.
We threatened them, we begged, we wept,
And told them they must stay.
But strangely - we're not sure just how -
They all have slipped away.
Worry not! We'll fix you yet!
We're training new recruits.
Fellows much too bright to go on
Sweeping streets and shining boots.
They're doing great at school - you bet!
We're grading on the curve!
Brains they're slightly low on,
But we believe they'll SERVE!
>> I believe Paula Jones!
> I DO NOT.
But who can believe Bill?
=== Thought that this April 15 would be OK, didn't you?
=== Revenue enhancement got you down?
=== Is your personal income now taxable at the new rates back
to the pre-Jurassic era when trilobites ruled the Earth?
=== Mistakenly think you'd be able to expand your small business?
=== Thinking of hiring new employees? Didn't think so...
You need to call:
>>>>>================================<<<<<
>>>>> BILL'S RETROACTIVE TAX SERVICE <<<<<
>>>>>================================<<<<<
We can:
o Spread out your income over the next 9 generations.
o Spread out your income over the previous 5 generations.
o Minimize the Death Tax by leaving your estate to your
Bronze Age ancestors.
o Deduct charitable contributions to the Spanish-American
war effort, or funding donations for Columbus' voyage
to the New World.
o Implement creative uses of reincarnation. Claim dependents
from previous lives.
============================================================
Bizarre? Senseless? YOU BET!
What's good enough for Uncle Sam is good enough for you.
Call 1 - 800 - FLP - BIRD for more details.
Mrs. Clinton consulted her personal physican concerning a itching
in the groin region. After examining her, he was too embarassed to
tell her that she suffered from pubic lice. When pressed for a
diagnosis, he said, "I regret to inform you that you have 'a bug in
the oval oriface'"
Have you heard they're gonna rename the President's helicopter
to "Golf Course One?"
Q - How many helicopters does it take for White House aides
to go play a round of golf?
A - Depends on how many were photographed.
Initially, the aides said it wasn't a personal golf game, they
claimed to be scouting out the golf course for the President. One
theory has it that this was _really_ what they were doing, scouting
out a golf course for Bill, but our President didn't have the spine to
defend them, so he sacked the aide instead.
My guess is they were scouting out babes for the President. Ah
mean, it's got to be awfully lonely locked into the White House with
Hillary all these months. And no Arkansas State Troopers to help you
out, if you know what Ah mean.
Can't you just imagine this Marine helicopter hovering over a
swimming pool in suburban Maryland, when a male voice comes over the
loudspeaker, "HEY, YOU DOWN THERE, YOU IN THE PINK BIKINI. THE
PRESIDENT WANTS TO TALK WITH YOU ABOUT A JOB."
What kind of *job* would that be, I wonder? :-)
Environmental group objects to bust of Clinton
The Goddess Gaia movement demonstrated outside the White
House of the proposed stone sculpture of President Clinton.
A spokeswoman said her groups objected because, "They plan
to ruin a perfectly good rock."
So the Clinton's are going to a formal engagement. Hillary comes
down the stairs stark naked with a lemon between her thighs. Bill is
not amused and asks what the deal is. Hillary says, "This is how I am
going to go and that is that." Well, Bill marches upstairs and comes
back down naked with a potato squeezed between his thighs. Hillary
demands an explanation to which Bill replies, "If you're gonna go as a
sourpuss then I'm gonna go as a dictator!" <badoom boom>
In a similar vein, I saw a Hundai on the freeway a few days ago
with a bumper sticker that read "My Lexus Thanks to Clinton"
<heh...heh heh.>
Bumper Sticker:
What Bill did to Flowers,
Hillary's doing to Healthcare
I think Hillary Clinton's husband Bill (the "First President")
topped all "Quayleisms". He said
"Science will be the sole criteria in determining our
environmental policy."
(Of course, he meant to say "_Political_ science will be the
sole criterion.....), but that dickhead Ted Turner didn't direct
his sycophants to make an issue of it.
Q: What does Hillary do after she shaves her pu**y every morning?
A: Sends him to work!
>Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
>A. I'll be home in 20 minutes honey!
As Bill was just a good boy from Arkansas and was not quite sure
about good etiquette at his "incoronation", [at Oxford] he decided to
ask for the advice of a Master of Ceremonies to follow him around
throughout the day and make sure he didn't screw up.
And so, through the day, the Master of Ceremonies wispered softly
in Bill's ears what to do and not to do and ensured no problems
occurred.
As they were walking up the steps of Capitol Hill, the Master of
Ceremonies suddenly smells this awful stench and turns around in
surprise towards Clinton, asking softly:
"Did you fart Mr. President?"
and Bill alarmed replied:
"No, should I?"
I DONT TRUST PRESIDENT CLINTON
OR HER HUSBAND......
CANT WAIT TO SEE PRESIDENT CLINTONS FACE ON A MILK CARTON.
If Bill Clinton weren't Slick Willy,
He'd take a sterner line.
Say a 'no', and transfer stiffness
From his phallus to his spine.
-- Anonymous
Answers: 1) Snow-Job 2) Blow-Job 3) No Job.
Questions: 1) What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign
2) What did Clinton request from Paula Jones.
3) What will Clinton have in '96
3') What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?
"Looks like it's amateur night in the White House again."
- John McCain, Arizona Senator in reference to
the Clinton administration's foreign policy.
"Impeach Clinton and her husband..."
- Rush "I'm laughing my way to the bank" Limbaugh
"I want to use Hillary's commodity investor..."
- Me
In honor of Co-President Bill's trip to KC:
Waal, Ah'm goin' to Kansas City.
Kansas City, here Ah come.
There's lots of pretty women there,
And Ah'm goin ``interview'' me one.
Ah might take a plane,
Ah might take a train,
But if Ah can get a room,
Ah'm goin' to go there jus' the same.
Ah'm goin' to Kansas City,
Flyin' there in Air Force One.
Get away from Hillary,
and have mah'self some fun.
Ah'm goin' to Kansas City,
Goin' there to take a chance.
Check into mah hotel room, and
walk around without any pants.
Waal, Ah'm goin' to Kansas City.
Kansas City, here Ah come.
There's lots of pretty women there,
And Ah'm goin ``interview'' me one.
Fadeout and Voice over:
"Where's them secretaries Ah ordered...?
Don't keep me waiting, Ah'm the leader
of the free world..."
Toilet Grafitti
Here I sit,
Eyes a squintin'
Givin' birth
To another Clinton
>>After having read the interview in USA WEEKEND it is difficult to
>>understand what her job really is. It seems as though it is just a
>>means of expressing her own personal ideas about a variety of
>>subjects that she decides might be in some way related to the
>>"health" of our country.
>>It would be nice to hear from some people in govt what the actual
>>"job" of the Surgeon General is.
Bill Clinton wants his appointments "to look more like America."
Therefore, he needs somebody to represent the grossly stupid.
Bill Clinton, upon narrowly escaping from an assassination attempt,
decided the Secret Service just wasn't cutting it. So he granted Mike
Tyson a presidential pardon and hired him as a full-time, personal
bodyguard. Tyson accompanied him everywhere, even in the bathroom. One
day Bill and Mike were standing in front of adjacent urinals when Bill
noticed that Mike was quite well endowed. "Gee, Mike," Bill said, "How
did that thing ever get so big?"
"It's like this," Tyson replied in that distinctive voice of his.
"Every night, before I go to bed, I smack it against the bed post ten
times. That's all it takes."
"What a good idea!" said Bill. "Hillary's been ignoring me lately;
this could really perk up our love life."
Later that evening in the White House bedroom, with Hillary already
asleep, Bill decided to try it out. He undressed and began to bang his
ol' tallywhacker against the bed post. This woke Hillary, who turned
over, giggled, and said in her most romantic voice,
"That you, Mike?"
After seeing footage from the new movie "The Lion King,"
I want to dedicate a movie to Bill Clinton.
I'd like to call it "The Lion President."
Q ) Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A1) To tax the chicken.
A2) Because Hillary pulled him by his balls.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To meet the chick.
Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass...
Bumper Stickers:
CLINTON HAPPENS
"Carter is not longer the worst U.S. President"
At a news conference, a journalist said to the President Clinton,
"Fawn Hall said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please
comment on this."
"The truth is," said Bill, "that she has a big mouth."
What about...
"I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimulated."
LIBERALS: One a day, and one in possession.
(inside the crosshairs of a scope)
Q: What's yellow, hen-pecked and lays chicks?
A: Bill Clinton
Mr. Bill has recently completely reformed the income tax system.
He has come up with one universal EZ form that can be used by
every person in the US. A "sneak preview" of this new form follows:
-----------------------------------------------------------------
1994 Tax Return Form 1EZ
Name_________________________ Social Security Number ___-__-____
1. Enter your Gross Income for 1994 (Box 10 of the W2) _______________
2. Enter Standard Deduction Amount from chart below
1. Married $1000
2. Available $1000
3. President of the US $200,000
4. First Lady of the US $500,000 _______________
3. Adjusted Income - Subtract line 2 from line 1 _______________
4. Occupational Adjuster
1. Factory Worker - 0.0
2. Welfare Recipient - 0.0
3. Minimum Wage Recipient - 0.0
4. Billionaire Tycoon - 0.0
5. White House Resident - 0.0
6. Other - 10.0 (Enter Adjuster Here ->)_______________
5. Multiply the Amount on Line 3 by the Adjuster
Factor on line 4. _______________
6. Itemized Deductions (Check all which apply)
a. Used Hillary's Law Firm ($5000) ____________
b. Offered personal services to Bill Clinton($10) ____________
c. Owner of Million Dollar Company($1,000,000) ____________
d. Made Money on Cattle Futures (Amount Made) ____________
Total (6.a,b,c, and d) _______________
7. New Adjusted Income - Subtract Line 6 from 5 _______________
8. Penalties (Check all which apply)
a. White Collar Worker ($5000) ____________
b. Voted for Bush in 1992 ($10,000) ____________
c. Voted for Perot in 1992 ($1) ____________
d. Brought Lawsuit against government
official ($100,000) ____________
e. Inhaled Marijuana ($1000) ____________
f. Republican ($100,000) ____________
Total Penalties ----------------------------> _______________
9. Add lines 7 and 8. This is your Taxable Income. _______________
10. TOTAL TAX
Multiply the taxable income calculated on line 9
by 0.5. This is your total tax for 1994. ------> _______________
11. Enter the Amount of Federal Income Tax withheld
in 1994 (from the W2 form) _______________
----------------
12. Enter the amount from line 10. This is the total
tax OWED. Remit payment promptly to the IRS. _______________
----------------
I, ______________, hereby agree that I owe my country the amount shown
in line 12 above. This information has been filed correctly to the
best of my knowledge. I will vote for Bill Clinton in 1996.
___________________________________ ___________________
(signature) (date)
The Clinton Administration; Stupid is as Stupid does.
Headline: Arkansas Executes 3 (late July, 1994)
Comment: ...what was Chelsea guilty of?
Democrats seem to think they have a monopoly on protest.
OBHCJ (Obligatory Health Care Joke):
HMO commercial, and the doctor is saying "I practice with
an HMO, and that helps me give better care to my patients."
If I had an unlimited supply of patients to practice on,
I could probably get pretty good, too.
Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
From a document submitted and published in the 'Congressional Record'
October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer [R-California]. The
author chose to remain anonymous...
HOW TO TELL REPUBLICANS FROM DEMOCRATS:
. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned
somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
. Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in
this country. The remainder is thrown out.
. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.
. Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less
fortunate. Republicans wear theirs.
. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.
. Democrats name their children after currently-popular sports
figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are
named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the
money is.
. Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not
successful. Neither are Republicans.
. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is
seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
. Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats
put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
. Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
windows by Democrats.
. Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. Democrats raise
Airedales, kids, and taxes.
. Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.
. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.
. Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow
the plans their grandfathers made.
. Republicans sleep in twin beds - some even in separate rooms. That
is why there are more Democrats.
In political intercourse, only the taxpayers get screwed!
Bumper Sticker (in response to those saying "sh*t happens")
Clinton Happens
The way that things are going. It's clear why the Clinton
Administration wants to reinvent government. They're having a lot of
trouble dealing with the existing form....Democracy.
If Bill Clinton got married to Lorena Bobbitt, would it get rid of
that dick in the White House?
Q: What is the best way to kill Clinton????
A: Give him somthing that reads:
DO NOT INHALE.
Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess ?
A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess.
The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games
to two.
Bumper Sticker:
Thank you, Bill Clinton, for costing me my job. I will repay you in '96.
There was a little boy who prayed every night for two weeks, asking God
for $100. When he got no response, he thought it would be a good idea
to write to God and see if that worked.
The post office received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA," they decided
that it would be best to just forward the letter to President Clinton.
The president read the letter and thought it was cute, so he asked his
secretary to send the boy $5, thinking the boy would think that was a lot
of money.
When the boy got the letter, he was so excited that he sat down
immediately to write a thank-you letter. "Dear God," he wrote, "Thank
you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it is to be expected, but
I thought you should know that when you sent it through Washington, D.C.,
the bastards deducted $95."
Q: Who becomes president of the U.S.A. when the President Dies
A: Bill Clinton of course!
One day, President Clinton was walking around Washinton DC wondering
how on earth he was going to fix the mess our country is in. Seeking
inspiration, he decided to pay a visit to several of the monuments and
memorials of the great Presidents of old.
First, he stops off at the Washington Monument, and there he meets and
talks with the spirit of President Washington. "George," he says, "you
were one of the best leaders our country ever had. You really helped get
this country off to a good start, and provided clear direction for the
people. Everybody trusted you -- how can I gain the trust of the people?"
President Washington looked at President Clinton and said, "Never tell
a lie." Clinton thought this over, frowning, and walked on.
After a while, he came to the Jefferson Memorial, and there talked with
the spirit of Thomas Jefferson. "Tom," said Clinton, "You were also one
of our greatest founding fathers, and you helped construct the basis for
our entire legal system. You helped to pass really good laws, and you
were very popular as a president. How can I improve my popularity?"
President Jefferson looked at President Clinton and said, "Never raise
taxes." Clinton winced, and walked away muttering to himself.
Finally, he came to the Lincoln Memorial. Feeling a little desperate
now, he pleads with the spirit of President Lincoln. "Abe," he says,
"You were undoubtedly one of the greatest Presidents we've ever had. You
were a man of great integrity, and you really helped pull our people
together and establish unity after the Civil War. Also, you abolished
slavery, and in doing so you helped to set all of our people free from an
uncivilized institution. How can I help to set our people free today?"
President Lincoln looked at President Clinton and said simply, "Go see
a play."
Row, row, row your boat,
Quickly to the States.
Hurrily, hurrily, hurrily,
Clinton such a snake.
A drunk guy meets up with three women at a bar and ends up taking
all three of them home with him for the night. Those three women
turn out to be Lorena Bobbit, Tanya Harding and Hillary Clinton.
And the next morning, the guy awoke to find his dick cut off and
both of his legs broken. Adding insult to injury, he didn't have
any health insurance! ;-(
--
Reminds me of the skit the Statler Brothers did on their TNN show earlier
this season...
Don: Who did you vote for last election?
Harold: I voted for Eisenhower
Don: Eisenhower wasn't running last year
Harold: Neither was Hillary, but she's running the country
--
Clinton is planning to launch an invasion of Haiti. As far as the
numbers are concerned, their trigger fingers outnumber our invading
trigger fingers 2 to 1. Our ships weigh about 100 times more than
theirs, at least). What I can't figure out is why we send so many
ships when all the fighting is going to be on land. Are we supposed
to win just because our navy looks intimidating? Maybe, if we let all
the guns on the ships go off at once, the Juntu will say, "Wow, big
noise, lots of ships, better give up, yes/no?" Fat Chance.
And what is Clinton doing out there, anyway? We have no vested
interest in Haiti. Saving the people? Then why did we ignore the
Serbs? I think the Pres. is going for a quick and easy war that he
can win for brownie points. I see a problem. If he wants to assure
that win, why is he sending over such a small number of soldiers. We
got plenty of soldiers. We could outnumber them 3 to 1 and make them
look like Boy Scouts compared to us. Maybe he's going for the heroic
image. "They outnumbered us, but we kicked their butts, anyway."
--
"Jimmy, listen to me. I've done everything except tell Cedras that
I'll cut off his nuts and feed 'em to Flipper, but the stupid bastard
still won't hit the bricks. Could you stop by the White House and
pick up about $50 million and carry it down to Port au Prince, and
explain to him just how well he could live on that money if he moved
to Hope, Arkansas? Thanks, Jimmy, and by the way, could you send some
of your Habitat for Humanity folks up here to fix the wiring in the
West Wing?"
--
President Clinton offered General Raoul Cedras a cash bonus to
leave Haiti, or face an invasion by the US Armed Forces.
General Cedras replied: "No Tanks!"
--
President Clinton told reporters today that the planned invastion
of Haiti could be "the most umpopular thing I've ever had to do as
President."
Mr. President, we beg to differ. The most unpopular thing you've
ever done was to be inagurated as President. It's been downhill since
then, too.
--
After 30 hours of meetings, Colin Powell said, "Last chance. If you don't
step down now, Jimmy Carter will start talking again."
--
Clinton was about to get Republicans in Congress to approve an
invasion by simply telling Bob Dole, "we have a new plan. Haitians
will be welcomed into this country, provided they all move to Kansas."
--
President Clinton and Vice President Gore were coming back from a
Health Care meeting in their Limo when Gore asks, "Hey Bill, what are
you gonna do when you get back to the White House?" The Slickster
replied, "Well, I'm gonna tear off Hillary's panties!" "Wow",
exclaimed Gore, "I didn't know you and Hillary were so passionate!" So
Clinton replies, "We're not. It's just that these damn things are
starting to tear into my waist!"
--
"But Hillary, this mission to Haiti is vital! You're my most trusted
advisor, and these are delicate negotiations. If you won't go, the
whole Carribean could be plunged into raging bloody war. It's a matter
of the highest national priority!"
"I can't Bill. It's just too dangerous. Those people are crazy. What
if something happened to me, what would you and Chelsea do? Please,
I'll do anything, but don't send me to Haiti."
"Anything?"
"Anything?"
"Anything!"
"Well, okay, then how about a blow job?"
"Oh, okay."
(zzzippp!) (slurp slurp)
"Uck! Bill, you taste like shit!"
"I know. The Vice-president didn't want to go to Haiti either."
--
Q: Do you know the difference between the White House and the new
Denver International Airport ?
A: They can land airplanes at the White House!
[The City of Denver has postponed opening of the Denver
International Airport due to several problems such as Runways cracking
and baggage handling systems problems]
--
Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets
congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames
republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
--
Clinton is on the beach at Martha's Vinyard and finds that an old bottle
has washed ashore. When the Prez opens it a very wan Genie snakes out.
Genie: Hi Bill, I'm a very weak genie so I can only grant you one
wish and it had better be easy if you want me to do it.
Clinton: I pray for world peace, give me that
Genie: That's a little hard, give me something easier.
Clinton: Make Hillary into the most beautiful woman in the world?
Genie: World peace it is.
--
Bill Clinton Virus - System makes lots of noise, but nothing happens.
--
They say "Socks" (the White House cat) is a neutered male. (That
makes TWO guys in the White House who don't have any balls!)
--
(This appeared in Argus Hamilton's column in The Daily Oklahoman, October 11.)
A new sex survey released showed that 80% of men remain faithful to
their wives.
President Clinton was upset -- just ONCE he's like a poll to go his way.
--
Bumper Stickers
Hey Hillary! Shut-up and redecorate!
My other car was cancelled by the Clinton Tax Bill
Its the SPENDING STUPID!
You can't shit here, 'cause your asshole's in the White House.
--
Q. What was the first thing Clinton said when Francisco
Martin Duran started shooting at the White House?
A. Oh #*@$! You're husband's outside and he's PISSED!
--
What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
Vice-president of the United States.
--
Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?
She looks like her dad Janet Reno.
--
November 1, 1994
Hamas has just today claimed credit for an incredible act of
terrorism targetted against all U.S. Citizens.
They did not even try to kill Bill Clinton on his Mideast trip.
--
Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A: A mandate to govern.
--
(Heard on KEX, a radio station here in Portland, Or.)
Bill Clinton's popularity has been declining. In fact Paula
Jones now claims she never met the guy.
--
Did you hear the Clinton's switched from MCI to AT&T.
They didn't have enough friends and family to keep up the calling
circle.
--
ObJoke: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
-Nothing...yet...
--
First Lady Hillary Clinton, bristling somewhat under questions
about the thumping the Republicans laid on the Democrats last week,
gave her opinion about how President Clinton should react to the
Republican majority on the hill, "I think he should not let the
Republicans dictate his agenda. I think he should continue to govern
on the goals that he ran and was elected on. And he better do EXACTLY
what I say."
There's been some speculation that if the Clintons stop off in
Singapore, Tom Foley is planning to fly out there to give old Bubba
about 20 lashes with the cane for all the damage he did to the
Democratic party.
--
[Post 1994 Election aftermath]
I hear that thousands of rafts overflowing with Democrats are
washing up on the shores of Cuba.
--
Q: Why did Clinton want to go into Haiti anyway?
A: He overheard his advisors talking about a hot spot
that one risked HIV infection from entering & he
thought they were talking about Gennifer Flowers.
Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the
White house with a plane was insane?
A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in
his -own- bedroom at night.
--
Q: What does the LAPD case against OJ Simpson &
the way Hillary knows when Chelsea is menstruating
have in common?
A: They both involve blood spots found on Socks.
--
Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
--
Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story
broke?
A: "You putz I TOLD YOU to let Teddy Kennedy drive her
home!
--
Q: What did Clinton say to Paula Jones when she broke her
story?
A: "I said `Do my erection', -not- `ruin my re-election.' !!"
--
Q: What's the difference between Hillary & Liberace?
A: Hillary's aides haven't killed her yet.
--
Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton
made want to convert Russia to the type of government they
have in America?
A: "Hell no, I ain't let my wife run the country!!"
--
Q: What's the difference between the Panama canal & Hillary?
A: Well one's a busy ship-filled ditch & the others a dizzy
shit-filled bitch.
--
Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven.
St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody'
down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm
swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon
as I can."
So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She
notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on
that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help
notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead 15 minutes.
When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"
St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man
on Earth." Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps
ahead 15 minutes?" St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that
belongs to that clock has just committed adultery." Hillary asks,
"Well, is MY husband's clock on the wall?" St. Peter replies, "Oh,
hell no. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric
fan."
--
Q: Why did all the faggots vote for Clinton?
A: Because faggots like assholes better than Bush.
--
"He (Bill Clinton) is the Willy Loman of Generation
X, a traveling salesman who has the loyalty of a lizard
with his tail broken off and the midnight tastes of a man
who'd double date with the Rev. Jimmy Swaggart"
Hunter S. Thompson
--
Why did Bill Clinton fire Joyce Elders??
Because he failed her masturbation course!
--
At a press conference a few weeks ago (just after the firing of
Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders) a member of the press corps asked
Clinton if he had ever masturbated. Clinton responded with, "Yes, but
I don't ejaculate."
--
Clinton said he fired Elders because she lectured him on how to
*handle* his sexuality ...
--
The following was taken from an anonymous source somewhere
in the vicinity of Oxford, England (probably recorded in
a pub at a late hour!)
That Clinton Laudatio in full
WILHELMUS JEFFERSONIUS AIRPLANUS CLINTONENSIS, SALUTAMUS VENERABILIS
UNIVERSITATIS OXONIENSIS. QUONDAM RHODUS SCHOLASTICUS ET MARIJUANA
NON-INHALIENSIS, ET EX BELLO VIET- NAMENSIS NON CONSCRIPTIONE EX-
CUSATUS. SUBSEQUENTIS GUBERNATOR RESPUBLICA ARKANSENSIS ET PERPETRA-
TOR CRIMINALIS SLEAZISSIMUS IN NOMINE "AQUA BLANCA" SCANDALUS, CUM TUA
UXORE HILLARIUS RODDAMA CLINTES- TERONE. ETIAM LEGOVERUS MULTI-
TUDINUS CUM MULTAE BIMBONES, GENNIFA FLORES, PAULA JONES ET CETERA, ET
CETERA. SATYRIASIS ABNORMALIS IN MODO PRESIDENTIUS KENNEDENSIS. TUA
FAMA EXTENDID PER OMNE MUNDO PRO JOGGENDO, JUVANDO AD SAXOPHONUM ET
NON MUCH ELSE. ESPERAMUS QUID PRO QUO MULTI RICHI AMERICANI DONABUNT
MUCHOS DOLLARES AD UNIVERSITATEM OXONIENSIS.
OMNES: VIVAT, VIVAT CLINTSTONE ZABA-DABA-DOO.
--
Subject: William Jefferson Clinton School of Political Stuff
Mascot: The Waffle; if you don't like it, we'll change it.
Cheer: 2! 4! 6! 8! We can sure equivicate!
Counciling: We feel your pain.
Prayer: Yes. Well, not really. Maybe.
Cafeteria: Pork Bellies, or your can send out for a Big Mac.
Clinic: Reproductive Health Services only due to lack of funding.
Violence: Watch out for falling planes and gunfire.
Sex Ed: Lend a hand; we all need to get in the groove and pull for our school.
International Studies: We are proud to have a guest teacher, J. Carter.
Sports: No target shooting, but plenty of jogging and Whitewater rafting.
Library: New display, "Advance for a Book: How Much is Too Much?"
Graduation: Two years and out.
--
The new BILL CLINTON brand golf balls are great!
They give a perfect lie everytime!
--
In the New York Times of last Tuesday (10 January 95) the front
page carried the story about Hillary Clinton's problems projecting the
image she wanted. (Where she admitted that she "...was 'naive and
dumb' about national politics...") Inside (page B5 -- the Science
Times) was an article about the "rewards and drawbacks of being a
dominant female baboon."
--
Yessiree, Bill Clinton's already preparing for life after the presidency!
I understand that in his upcoming State of the Union Address he will propose
increasing in the minimum wage.
--
Tom Swiftie:
"I'm in complete control here," Bill Clinton said hilariously.
--
Book Deals The Democrats Are Working On
"The Eye Brows Have It" by Jim Wright. Discusses how people(
Wright and Breshneff) with bushy eye brows almost ruled the
world.
" Cows , Kids , Doctors and Real Estate , How to Grow Rich and
Powerful in the Future " By Hillery Roddam. Forward by Vince
Foster.
"Bill and Edwards Excellent After Hours Adventures" By Bill
Clinton and Ted Kennedy. From Senate Sleep overs to Water Sports
, Bill and Ted show you a side of Washington 's night life you've
never seen before.
"A Mouthful of Washington" by Barney Frank
"The Longest Day" by David Bonyard . Mr. Bonyard accounts his
battle plans for destroying the Republican Contract on it's
opening day.
"Gee Your Feet Stink" Henry B. Gonzalez talks about his pervious
job as a shoe salesman.
"Dead On Arrival" by George Mitchel. Talks about Bush's budgets
--
From the Desk Of Bill Clinton
Dear Hillary:
I am sorry that things have come to this pass. It all began with
Walter Murdock, Lieut., USN Ret., whose paranoia spun out of control and
threatened the whole fabric of our reality. Walter sent me notes at
pres...@whitehouse.gov in a spirit of self-importance exceeded only by
my own. Those notes were duly passed on to the Secret Service, who duly
scratched their heads and tried to figure out what Walter was really
saying between the lines. They concluded that he was forwarding threats
to the President in furtherance of his own motives, which in turn were
shaped by associations that reached deeply into his past. Duly alarmed,
they've now put out an APB for Walter, and at this moment are questioning
his neighbors, friends and relatives concerning those associations and
his hidden motives. None of this should have remotely been of concern to
me, but it turns out that a close friend of mine at UC Davis was the
author of one of the notes that was forwarded to me by Walter, and while
his intentions and comments were completely innocent, Walter's actions
have jeopardized his position at the University, which in turn has caused
him very serious problems with his wife. I think you will remember his
wife, Deborah Schuster, whom you met at the Inaugural Ball and whom I
have known for some time.
It is a matter of some embarrasment to me that Deborah has now
approached Walter Murdock with the groundless charge that I once had an
affair with her, and that her husband's idle comments, turned into
official fodder for the Secret Service, were born of that relationship.
While all of this would seem to be a tempest in the proverbial teapot, I
must admit that there was a time when Deborah and I were very close. I
will not say we were intimate, but I was very vulnerable at the time and
she very cruelly took advantage of my natural fondness for the opposite sex.
Walter Murdock, of course, immediately apprised the investigating officer
of the Secret Service of this startling development, and they of course
relayed the news to me. I asked them at that time to try to find Walter
before his paranoia sunk the whole ship, but upon learning of his
relationship with Deborah, my friend at UC Davis became appropriately
enraged and forced him into hiding. Since he was hiding at the same time
the Secret Service was looking for him, he was declared a fugitive and
has become the subject of an international manhunt.
Ordinarily, not even all of these events would unduly concern me,
but as fate would have it, the UC Davis fellow, like you and me a
graduate of Yale, had participated like you in the experiment, now
discredited, which led to your being photographed in the nude. A retired
professor from UC Davis now doing research at the Smithsonian on body types
managed to acquire for him (for a substantial price, I might add) a copy
of the photograph of you that was taken during your matriculation. With
Walter safely out of his reach, he angrily decided to make a deal with
the publisher of Penthouse, Bob Guccione, for publication of your
picture. While I would find this embarassing, as of course you would, it
seems that the publisher added an extra fillip to his presentation of
your assets by adding certain indiscreet photographs taken by an
ex-roomate of Deborah's from Deborah's personal scrapbook. This was of
concern to me because I appear in those pictures unclothed from the neck
down (I'm wearing a silly little hat, but not on my head). This picture
reveals us in flagrante delicto, I'm sorry to say, although we in fact
never had intercourse; it was more like that business in Arkansas with
that other woman you've unfortunately been reading about.
Frankly, I could live with our pictures in Penthouse, but this
whole affair has unfortunately become enmeshed in the Vince Foster
matter, and the New York Times, having received advance word of the
explosive contents of new month's Penthouse, has gone forward with a
Vince Foster project that had been on the back burner (and I thought they
had given up on it, frankly). They plan to tie his suicide to the
relationship between Deborah, the UC Davis fellow and myself, claiming
that it was an unsavory bisexual relationship whose details had come to
him through an overzealous Naval officer who remains unidentified.
Normally, this would not unduly excite me, but again, certain
photographs have come to light -- or at least are swimming toward the
light, meaning publication in the New York Times sister publication, US
Magazine, and these again involve me in certain unclothed shenanigans
that could be misconstrued by the naive as suggesting the existence of an
appetite on my part for unusual sex practices. Nothing could be further
from the truth, of course, but with this revelation the Times has also
learned that both Deborah and the professor are afflicted with a terrible
disease, and I don't mean genital herpes, although that is part of the
problem. I am referring, of course, to AIDS.
As you know, I am as tolerant of alternative sexual behaviors and
their potential outcomes as the next person (assuming that that is Al
Gore), and far be it from me to condemn Deborah or her husband for having
roped me into posing with them in ways that could be construed to suggest
that I am likely to have become a carrier of AIDS in consequence. I am
not saying, of course, that I do have AIDS, although at this point I must
confess that that is what the White House doctor says; I have to caution
you that his tests are potentially flawed, and not at all foolproof.
Nonetheless, as this might be an issue of concern to you, considering the
relationship that has deveoped between you since the (aptly named)
Inaugural Ball, I wanted to present it to you as directly as possible
under the circumstances. Lacking television time (and perhaps the
gumption, I admit) to spell it out in my State of the Union Address, I
have chosen this rather more appropriate approach. I trust that Walter
will forward it to you via the Secret Service along with all the other
nonsense he has accumulated, and that after appropriate analysis and
screening, they will pass it on to you in my absence.
I love you and miss you already.
Sincerely,
Bill
--
>The radio this morning announced that the State of Wyoming had proposed a
>$500 bounty on wolves. In response, an animal rights group proposed a $500
>bounty on wolf hunters.
I think the Clinton administration could take a lesson from the subsidies
we pay farmers not to grow things. The Department of Wolves (a new
Cabinet-level deparment soon to be added by President Clinton) could pay
hunters $500 **not** to kill wolves.
"Heck, George, today was kinda bad. I only didn't kill ten wolves today.
But yesterday was real good--I didn't kill 20 of 'em yesterday."
--
OK, I'm with you President Clinton, enough of this silliness
with the baseball strike. Since baseball is our national
pasttime, I think there may an opportunity here to show the
rest of the nation how your policies work. So here's what
you can do:
1. Give all baseball players the new minimum wage of $5.05/hour.
2. Since the baseball owners are ultra-rich, levy a special 75%
tax rate for all owners (in the name of a middle-class tax cut).
3. Give all baseball participants, players, owners, sportscasters,
FREE government health care.
4. Play ball!
And if no one goes for that, then send in Jimmy Carter..
--
<*> Nathan Mates http://www.ugcs.caltech.edu/~nathan/ <*>
# And he said to them, "To you has been given the secret of the
# Kingdom of God, but for those outside, everything comes in
# parables" Mark 4:11, NRSV