Star Trek/Microsoft
Morris Lewis
łStar Trek: Lost Episodes˛ transcript
<Picard> łMr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in
the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?˛
<Geordi> łYes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through
our archives on
late Twentieth-century computing technology.˛
<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen>
<Riker looks puzzled> łWhat the hell is ŚMicrosoftą?˛
<Data turns to answer> łAllow me to explain. We will send this program,
for some reason
called ŚWindowsą, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their
root command unit, it
will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.˛
<Picard> łBut the Borg have the ability to adapt. Wonąt they alter their
processing systems
to increase their storage capacity?˛
<Data> łYes, Captain. But when ŚWindowsą detects this, it creates a new
version of itself
known as an Śupgradeą. The use of resources increases exponentially with
each iteration. The
Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their
processing ability
will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational
functions.˛
<Picard> łExcellent work. This is even better than that Śunsolvable
geometric shapeą idea.˛
. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
<Data> łCaptain, we have successfully installed the ŚWindowsą in the
Borgąs command unit. As
expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However,
we have not
received any confirmation of the expected Śupgradeą.˛
<Geordi> łOur scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity, but we
still have no indication of an Śupgradeą to compensate for their increase.˛
<Picard> łData, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have
missed.˛
<Data> łSir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the Śupgradeą.
Apparently the
Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their
registration cards.˛
<Riker> łCaptain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape
sequence 3F....˛
<Geordi, excited> łWait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped
to 0% !˛
<Picard> łData, what does your scanners show?˛
<Data, studying displays> łApparently the Borg have found the internal
ŚWindowsą module
named ŚSolitaireą, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.˛
<Picard> łLetąs wait and see how long this ŚSolitaireą can reduce their
functionality.˛
. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
<Riker> łGeordi, what is the status of the Borg?˛
<Geordi> łAs expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased
CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase
resources I have setup our
closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more ŚWindowsą modules from
something called
the ŚMicrosoft Fun-packą.
<Picard> łHow much time will that buy us?˛
<Data> łCurrent Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more
hours.˛
<Geordi> łCaptain, another vessel has entered our sector.˛
<Picard> łIdentify.˛
<Data> łIt appears to have markings very similar to the ŚMicrosoftą logo...˛
<Over the speakers> łTHIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP
_MONOPOLY_. WE
HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.
SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND
WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY.˛
<Data> łThe alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of
humanoid-shaped objects.˛
<Picard> łMagnify forward viewer on the alien craft!˛
<Riker> łMy God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward
the Borg ship -
with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!˛
<Data> łI donąt believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look
closer I believe you
will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first
century man as doeskin
leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.˛
<Riker and Picard, together - horrified> łLawyers!!˛
<Geordi> łIt canąt be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in
2017 during the Great Awakening.˛
<Data> łTrue, but apparently some must have survived.˛
<Riker> łThey have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all
types of papers.˛
<Data> łI believe that is known in ancient vernacular as Śred tapeą. It
often proves fatal.˛
<Riker> łTheyąre tearing the Borg to pieces!˛
<Picard> łTurn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg
doesnąt deserve
such a gruesome death!˛
--
"Life is a bitch, then it has puppies"