MORE ONE LINERS - http://fishtank.org.uk/humour
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More One Liners
This is the nineties, you don't just go around punching people. You
have to
say something cool first.
The score was Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1 when the game was called
because of rain.
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes
up on the roof and gets stuck.
Statistics are like bikinis; what they conceal is more important than
what
they reveal.
5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Eagles may fly, but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines.
Color...it's just a pigment of your imagination.
This email was sent to you via email in much the same way bricks
aren't.
Be alert - the world needs more lerts.
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question.... ....or is
it?
I'll never be satisfied until I'm too smart for my own good
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not
nailed
down.
Of all the things I've loved and lost, I miss my mind the most.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to
be
when you kill them.
That which does not kill me . . .makes me meaner!
I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? To hold cows
together.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast.
Eschew Obfuscation
Old Celts never die. They just have harp failure.
Scatology stinks!
Bald Guys never have a bad hair day.
People who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of us who
really
are.
Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has
been
extinguished.
Don't you think it's a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't
they be called builts?
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy
Crazy people who are productive are geniuses. Crazy people who are
rich are
eccentric. But crazy people who are neither productive nor rich are
just
plain crazy.
You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead.
All right! I know I'm in there! If I don't come out with my hands
up, I'm
coming in after me!
I say no to drugs, They just don't listen...
If you love something, set it free, if it comes back, set it on fire.
If you can't beat em', arrange to have them beaten.
Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard that's
it's
kinda hard to heep em' lit.
I go to bed early. My favorite dream starts at nine.
If I only had one tooth, I think I would brush it a real long time.
I never watch Sesame Street, I know most of that stuff.
My phone number is 17. We got one of the early ones.
-e-i-e-i-o is actually a gross misspelling of the word "farm".
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
I don't like to lose be bearings, so I keep them in a cabinet by my
bed.
George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every
effort
to teach them good manners.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
"I love being a writer . . . what I can't stand is the paperwork."
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a
rock.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
ZenCrafters: Total Enlightenment in about an hour
Earth first! We'll stripmine the other planets later
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I
ordered
French toast during the Renaissance.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house
and four people died.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy
them
again.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me
are
furious!
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every
so
often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a
call
from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out!"
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near
the place.
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will
leave
a stain.
The world is full of willing people--some willing to work and some
willing
to let them.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
I use to have a handle on life; then it broke.
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance
If things get better with age, I'm approaching magnificent!
You might as well take all of me--the parts you want aren't removable.
I have an open mind - it's just closed for repairs
I've gotta be me - everyone else was already taken
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Born free...Taxed to death.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought 'Where the
hell is
the ceiling?'
Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door
went
nuts!
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
There's no future in time travel.
Smith & Wesson -- the original point and click interface.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.
Oh Lord give me patience... NOW!
Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end,
someone
would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can beat him repeatedly
with
a rolled up newspaper.
Hookt on fonix werkt fer me!
I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself, so if I get back before I
return,
please ask me to wait.
668: The Neighbour of the Beast.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
of
marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
elephant.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire
planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were
here."
A good exercise for the heart is to bend down and help another up.
A life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will
have no
roses.
A man may make many mistakes, but is not a failure until he starts
blaming
someone else for them.
A man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten
the
other half of his life.
A person is grown up not when they can take care of themselves, but
when
they can take care of others.
A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago.
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.
A true friend is one who thinks you're a good egg even though you're
half-cracked.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Accidents don't just happen; they must be carelessly planned.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy
happiness.
And he disappeared in a puff of logic.
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me
in many
ways to keep me quiet
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner
sociopath
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Assassins do it from behind.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and
miss.
Beauty is quite different from charm, beauty is what you notice in a
woman,
charm is when a woman notices you.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next
step
of blaming my parents.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they
are
dead.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing
the
drive before it has stopped snowing.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Death to all fanatics!
Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for
supper.
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few
weeks
of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of
the pool
and throw them fish.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Education and intelligence aren't the same thing!
Elvis is dead, Mozart is dead, Einstein is dead, and I'm not feeling
so
marvelous myself.
Eunuchs, the non-gender-specific OS
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another
beer.
Familiarity breeds children.
Feet Smell? Nose Run? Hey, you're upside down!
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
eyes...
Help stamp out and abolish repetitive redundancy!
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: if
you're
alive, it isn't.
Hospital is a place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping
pill.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they
were
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're
on.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me
and
brings me back.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I always win. Except when I lose, but then I just don't count it.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me
I am having an out of money experience.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
I am so broke, I can't even pay attention.
I am the world's greatest authority on my own opinion.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn
from
them
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't
have
paid for me.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be
blamed on
somebody else.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm
in the
bathroom.
I can lead you to the water but I can't let you drink.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't
looking good either.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I
wanna know
your name"
I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible
too.
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not.
I figure I'm pretty good with the bullshit but I love listening to an
expert. Keep talking.
I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you
must
eat it with naked fat people
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I haven't found Mr Right but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy and Mr
Wrong
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I just got lost in thought. . . . It was unfamiliar territory.
I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was
not what
I meant.
I love animals...they're delicious.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I
want to
stay employed
I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving!
I think I've found the trouble with our economy. There are far more
ways to
get into debt, than there are to get out of it.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the
lost.
I used to be Snow White...but I drifted.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed....
I want to live forever or die in the attempt.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I
looked
into the soul of the boy next to me.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song
on the
radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, the
first
woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I
wind up
sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, then you don't live in a
small
town.
If someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one
will
believe it.
If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we'd be so
simple
we couldn't understand.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
If you have much, give of your wealth; if you have little, give of
your
heart.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you laugh a lot, when you get older your wrinkles will be in the
right
places.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was
probably
worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared
to die
a lot of times.
If you wait to have kids until you can afford them, you probably never
will.
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
I'm serious; it was a joke.
I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never
wrong.
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't; and
a
sense of humor to console him for what he is.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird, people take prozac to make it normal.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.
Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Albert
Einstein
It is better to regret something you did, rather than to regret
something
you didn't do.
It is better to sleep on what you intend doing than to stay awake over
what
you've done.
It is easy to be flexible when one is spineless!
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
without
your help.
It is hard to stumble when you're on your knees.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and
blamed
it on the cost of living.
It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite.
It is nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to
others.
It takes more money to amuse todays children than it took to educate
their
parents.
I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid
before I
can ask where I left my glasses.
Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.
Laughter is like changing a baby's nappy. It doesn't permanently solve
any
problems, but it makes thing more acceptable for awhile.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let us so live that when we die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards.
Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel.
Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds you down or polishes you up,
depends
upon what you're made of.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around
the
sun.
Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three
weeks
late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home
insect-proof
and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.
May your life be long and useful like a roll of toilet paper.
May your trouble be like the old man's teeth...few and far between.
Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of
hours.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live
with
Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it
in more
places.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change
back
into a sun in the daytime.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
My worst day of vacation has always been better than my best day at
work.
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a
good
price.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail
hour.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)
Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"
Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
Not tonight dear.... I have a modem.
Note on a door: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner
also.
Notice: The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson
Crusoe.
One youngster was explaining to another what "mixed emotions" meant.
"It's
like watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in
your
desk," he said.
Pain and Suffering is inevitable but Misery is optional.
People who do the world's real work don't usually wear neckties.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either
of
them being made.
People would enjoy life more if, once they got what they wanted, they
could
remember how much they wanted it.
Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after
another.
Plan ahead: It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was
going
to blame it on you."
Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs.
Recipe; a series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you
forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't
eat.
Revenge has no more quenching effect on emotions, than salt water has
on
thirst.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've
forgotten this before.
Save time ... see it my way.
Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if
they
are ok, you're it
Sex is a disrobic experience
Share your smile with everyone, but save your kiss for only one.
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Silence is wise if we are foolish, but foolish if we are wise.
Snowflakes are some of nature's most fragile things, but just look
what
happens when they stick together.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; Others whenever they go.
Some goals are so worthy, it's glorious even to fail.
Some succeed because they are destined to. But most succeed because
they are
determined to.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left
hand.
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Tears will get you sympathy. Sweat will get you results.
That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore.
The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The act of giving is more important than the merit of the receiver.
The best things in life aren't things.
The biggest liar you'll ever have to deal with probably watches you
shave
his face in the mirror every morning.
The British have a reputation for keeping calm even when there is no
crisis.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little
extra.
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
forecasters.
The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes
theother
90% of the time.
The longer you wait, the better the date.
The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who
is
doing it.
The only place you can win a football game is on the field. The only
place
you can lose it is in your head.
The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub
you.
The trouble with work is - it's so daily.
The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, but no
one's
ever died from it.
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the
rain.
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the
strong.
The wonder of a single snowflake outweighs the wisdom of a million
meteorologists.
The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
There are no passengers on spaceship Earth- we are all the crew.
There are no strangers in this world, just friends we've never met.
There are no substitutes for fresh air, sunshine and exercise.
There are three dimensions to credit cards, length, width and debt.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
suitable application of high explosives.
There is no gravity. Earth sucks!
There is no such thing as government money, only taxpayer money.
There is nothing wrong with people possessing riches. The wrong comes
when
riches possess people.
They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their
shoes.
I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I
don't
wanna know 'em!
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
To all you virgins... thanks for nothing.
To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group
To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's time for a
beer
run!
Triumph is "umph" added to try.
Two kinds of people: Those who finish what they start and ...
Two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you
know.
We don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop
playing.
We don't want a thing because we have found a reason for it- we find a
reason for it because we want it.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
We occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of us pick ourselves
up and
hurry on as if nothing happened.
When I was a kid, all we had to do was just sit around and hope
somebody
would invent television so we could play Nintendo.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It make the neighbor's dog
run to
the end of his chain and gag himself.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle
them
gently.
When someone says, "do you want my opinion?" - it's always a negative
one.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department
usually uses water.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with
atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with
explosions.
When we talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's
called
schizophrenia.
Who gossips to you will gossip of you.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
You always find something in the last place you look.
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came
to
getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
You can't help the poor man by destroying the rich.
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says,
"What
is this, some kind of joke?"
You know the difference between alcoholics and drunks?...We don't go
to the
fucking meetings. - Tori Amos
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much
fraternizing
with the enemy. - Henry Kissinger -
Among those whom I like or admire, I can find
no common denominator,
but among those whom I love, I can;
all of them make me laugh
-W.H.Auden
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
IRS.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
If I knew I was going to get this old, I would have taken better care
of
myself when I was young.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the JuneFlower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted,
then used against you.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the
other
trees make fun of it?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching
down at a
trailer park?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse??
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
progress?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they
all
still working?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the
pan?
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a
thousand
words, how dangerous is a fax?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain
silent?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
already
know you don't have?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery
is
dead?
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next
Kleenex
in the box?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM
longer?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow,
...how
cold will it be?
What year did Jesus think it was?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from??
Is there another word for synonym?
If the only thing to survive a plane crash is the black box, why don't
they
make the whole plane out of the black box?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain
to?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, who's the idiot that
said
"Quit while you're ahead"?
What are Preparation A thru Preparation G?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out
of the
water?
If knees were backward, what would chairs look like?
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual
harassment,
but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?
Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers??
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Does a person ever get sick without being tired?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If a cigarette smoker wakes up from a 7-year coma, does he want a
cigarette?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always
room-temperature.
All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've
purchased new
school uniforms.
Sacred cows make the best burgers.
"No comment" is a comment.
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Marriage is Grand, Divorce is twenty Grand.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Fortune tellers are for the poor; psychics are for the rich.
Do not meddle in the place of dragons . . . you are crunchy and taste
good
with catsup
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Rehab is for quitters.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The trouble with life is, you're half way through it before you
realize it's
a "do it yourself" thing.