Internet Oracularities Digest #1512

[oracle-...@cs.indiana.edu]

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Date: Mon, 28 Jan 13 11:20:06 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <kin...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1512

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to ora...@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracl...@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1512
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1507 25 votes 35566 29644 08755 17881 57733 17962 53557 19a41 03778 06856
1507 3.2 mean 3.3 3.0 3.3 3.0 2.7 3.0 3.2 2.8 3.8 3.4

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Date: Mon, 28 Jan 13 11:20:07 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1512-01

Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> We are supposed to visit Rome this coming summer, and intend to visit
> His Holiness the Pope. I understand that it is customary to kiss the
> Pope's ring, but I've also heard the term "Pope's nose" used. Which is
> correct?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Both are incorrect. Vatican protocol dictates that you give His
} Holiness a french kiss with lots of tongue and heavy petting. Oh
} wait.....that's only for choir boys.

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Date: Mon, 28 Jan 13 11:20:08 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1512-02

Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I saw the annular solar eclipse on May 20th 2012, and there will be
> another one around May 10, 2013. There should have been an annular
> eclipse (that means it happens every year) around May 20th, 2011, but
> from what I can tell, there wasn't. Is the sun broken? Or the moon? Or
> something? Why isn't it working right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, annular doesn't mean "annual" at all. You're way off base. It
} actually comes from the Latin verb for "to annul". You see what happens
} is the Sun agrees to a schedule of yearly eclipses with the Moon, but
} every couple years, the Sun's emotions flare up and it completely
} regrets the whole thing. It then annuls its pact with the Moon, and
} that's why you don't see it that year. Eventually it then regrets the
} fun of playing eclipse with the Moon, and the process starts all over
} again. So in reality, the "eclipsis annulata" is right on schedule.

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Date: Mon, 28 Jan 13 11:20:09 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1512-03

Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I have discovered the perfect machine for printing counterfeit money.
> The bills produced are completely indistinguishable from real currency.
> To prove this, I have attached the plans and diagrams for producing
> this machine so that you may verify it. Feel free to build a replica
> and test it yourself.
>
> Anyway, my question is, would it be ethical to use this machine,
> assuming I donated a portion of the money to charity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The real question here is obviously wether I should accept that pile
} of money you sent me as payment. I think not.

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Date: Mon, 28 Jan 13 11:20:10 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1512-04

Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How did Boxing Day get its name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One year, Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield sent each other
} Christmas presents, and by happenstance both chose to give
} tickets for box seats at the opera. They were each a little
} late getting the present mailed, so the packages arrived at
} the post office one day late. As it happens, the two men
} came to their adjacent post office boxes at the same time,
} and opened their boxes in each other's presence. Once they
} realized the coincidence, they congratulated each other on
} thinking outside the box, and vowed that every year going
} forward they would no longer feel boxed in by the Christmas
} rush, and would open their presents from each other the next
} day. Thus Boxing Day was created, and the population as a
} whole embraced it right out of the box.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of candy.

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Date: Mon, 28 Jan 13 11:20:11 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1512-05

Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> My printer is jammed and it's also out of toner.
> I'm not very handy - can you guide me through the
> steps to fix this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First you need to deal with the jam. You have the wrong kind.
}
} Go into the kitchen and get a jar of blackberry jam, the kind WITH the
} seeds in it. Spread it on your hands. This will make you much handier,
} as you look about you for somewhere to wipe your
}
} NOT ON ME, YOU DAMNED IDIOT!
}
} Reach inside the printer and remove the stuck paper. While there you
} will find the toner cartridge. It's useless as it is, so getting
} blackberry jam on it won't matter.
}
} You will notice that there really is plenty of toner in the cartridge.
} Shake it around, and if that doesn't seem to work, go back to the
} kitchen and get the bottle of Scotch you keep for cooking. (Well,
} that's what you tell your non-drinking religious friends, isn't it?)
} DON'T POUR IT INTO THE CARTRIDGE.
}
} Pour yourself a double shot and me a triple.
}
} Now itsh time to pulg the ripnter bcak in. Be csjhrful and dont'
} shpfill any of yuor whisssky.
}
} You woe the Ocrale all yru ohter btollse.

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Date: Mon, 28 Jan 13 11:20:12 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1512-06

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What's wrong with the server?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nothing. That's normal behaviour.
}
} The real question is why it's impossible for any woman to hit a tennis
} ball without moaning like that.

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Date: Mon, 28 Jan 13 11:20:13 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1512-07

Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawre...@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> The word "anarchist" looks something like the word "antichrist". Does
> that mean anything, like sort of how the words oracle and debacle kind
> of look like each other, if squinted prompterly? Do I get a "get out of
> hell free" card?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If words looking alike meant they had similar meanings, I wouldn't look
} forward to my vacation while dreading my vocation. Don't be
} big-headed; even the most small-minded person can see the English
} language is complex. We drive on parkways, yet park on driveways. We
} send goods by boat and call it cargo; we load them onto trucks and call
} it a shipment. A kingergarten often has a kid napping, but rarely a
} kidnapping. And we insist that bra is singular, but panties are
} plural... Far from being worthless, it's priceless.
}
} It confuses foreigners, and I find that funny.
}
} You owe the Oracle dinner. I used to be a vegetarian, but I gave that
} up. Now I'm a humanitarian.

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Date: Mon, 28 Jan 13 11:20:14 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1512-08

Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <d...@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam
> possit materiari?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ego te zoto, supplicans impudens sceleratusque!

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Date: Mon, 28 Jan 13 11:20:15 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1512-09

Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <d...@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> It is said that a brook would lose its song if God removed the
> rocks. So I decided to dump a large quantity of rocks into the
> nearby drainage ditch, to bring music to our neighborhood. And
> now the Environmental Protection Agency is after me. What should
> I do? Will God be coming after me next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A brook requires rocks, yes, but not too much , you see.
} It was irresponsible of you to dump such a big amount into the ditch.
} You need to test them out first, whether it's a douche first.
}
} Why the friendly people at EPA are after you is because
} the drainage ditch might start regaling your neighborhood
} with JB songs or worse, One Direction's horrible squealing.
} The EPA are the descendants of hippies and tree-huggers,
} they're nice people hell-bent on protecting the environment, so don't
} mess with them.
}
} You need to repent for your near-sins and listen to JB
} for a week, and make a sacrifice to Cthulu, preferably a virgin
} girl, but if you can't find those, a pig or cow would do fine.
} If you can't even find those, replace with a bottle of Screech.

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Date: Mon, 28 Jan 13 11:20:16 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1512-10

Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawre...@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Disavowal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, dat a question mark.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1512
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