Internet Oracularities Digest #1496 - rec.humor.oracle

> I agree with Kirk Cameron.

} And a good thing. He agrees with himself.
}
} Pity he's wrong.

> You failed again! I sent you a badly worded questoin on the hope that
> you would misundeerstand it.

> You completely failed to misunderstand me. Instead, because of
> misunderestimation on my part, I am lost here in the Sea++ of Java,
> diving without hope for perls and finding pythongs instead.

> ++ Fortnote: It's not so bad. I live here in a sharp little flat, see?

> Anyway, there is a rat here. What's a ratfor?

} using Oracle;
} using Oracle.Questions.IO;
}
} public class ParseQuestion {
} public static void Main(string [] args) {
} string question;
} if (question == "")
} wittyNullAnswer(question);
} try {
} if (IsQuestionValid()) {
} string grovel = Grovel.Parse(question);
} string answer = Convert.ToSupplicant(WiseOracularAnswer);
} int time = timeSpent(Supplicant);
} string payment = Convert.ToSupplicant(OraclePayment
} (WiseOracularAnswer, time, grovel));
} }
} }
} catch(Exception ex) {
} Message.Show(ex.Message + "\n\n" + ex.GetType().ToString() +
} ex.StackTrace, "Exception");
} }
}
} public bool IsQuestionValid() {
} // Validate supplicant question
} return
} IsNotWoodchuck(question, "Woodchuck Error")) &&
} IsCoherent(question, "Supplicant Error")) &&
} IsUnderstood(question, "Understanding Error"));
} }
}
} public bool IsNotWoodchuck(string question, string msg) {
} try {
} Woodchuck.Parse(question);
} return true;
} }
} catch(QuestionException) {
} Message.Show(msg + "! Woodchuck fault. Question dumped.",
} "Vermin Error");
} return false;
} }
}
} public bool IsCoherent(string question, string msg) {
} try {
} Sentience.Parse(question);
} return true;
} }
} catch(QuestionException) {
} Message.Show(msg + "! What are you on? The Oracle does not speak
} gibberish.", "Coherence Error");
} return false;
} }
}
} public bool IsUnderstood(string question, string msg) {
} try {
} Understand.Parse(question);
} return false;
} }
} catch(QuestionException) {
} Message.Show(msg + "! I'm sorry, can you repeat the question?",
} "Misunderstanding");
} return true;
} }
}
} ParseQuestion #QYUHpEk
} ...
}
} Exception
}
} Unclassified Exception.
} The Oracle has failed to misunderstand the question.
}
} Supplicant.Question.Exception
} at IsUnderstood.Parse(Object sender, EventArgs e) in
} ParseQuestion:line 58
}
} Partial payment dump:
}
} 3A 0A 0A 59 6F 75 20 6F 77 65 20 74 68 65 20 | :..You owe the
} 4F 72 61 63 6C 65 20 61 20 64 65 76 65 6C 6F | Oracle a develo
} 70 65 72 20 77 68 6F 20 75 6E 64 65 72 73 74 | per who underst
} 61 6E 64 73 20 6D 69 73 75 6E 64 65 72 73 74 | ands misunderst
} 61 6E 64 69 6E 67 73 2E 0A | andings..

> What cuold possibly go wrong?

} The priests could make a mistake and digest the riddle/diarrhea/sermon
} troll again.
}
} You owe the Oracle some optimism.

> I ordered some carb cleaner from Serious Drawback, but I live in
> Maryland, so my spell checker automatically changed it to "crab
> cleaner" without even asking me. The lawnmower still does not work,
> but the pot of boiled crabs is squeaky clean, except for a faint smell
> of gasoline. Would you like some nice crab chowder? It's not half bad.

} Let's try it flambe'. I'll stand way over here.

} Sorry. One question per submission, please. This includes
} null questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a .

> Why did you wish me luck? It was not a matter of luck.

} What I meant was "Rotsa ruck" which is an ironical statement suggesting
} that no luck at all is involved when there is a foregone conclusion
} that you will fail.
}
} You owe the Oracle a video.
}
} No, on second thought you don't. The Oracle has seen the future, and
} doesn't want to again.

> How much wood could a woodchuck throw at his grandmother if a
> woodchuck were so inclined, assuming that each piece of wood weighed 2
> kilograms, and compensating for air resistance and gravitational pull?

} You do not need an inclined woodchuck. This is a problem in mechanics,
} so you need the Inclined Plane instead.
}
} Get into the inclined plane. You will notice how it's tilted to the
} left, suggesting it does not have a good grasp on applied mathematics.
} In particular, it insists you buy fuel for all the other planes before
} you can take off. No matter, it's just money, and it says that you have
} too much anyway.
}
} So you start the engine, and notice the rather rough sound. You move
} down the runway, increasing the throttle and pulling back on the stick.
} Flaps down, right? Or dear, you had better have the left flaps down a
} bit more than the right, to compensate for the incline to the left. And
} you might need some rudder, but not too soon, because it controls the
} wheels. No rudder until after liftoff. MORE THROTTLE! Listen to the
} engine sounding as if it's fuel-starved. You did check the tanks on
} your walk-around? YOU DID DO A WALKAROUND BEFORE CLIMBING ABOARD?
}
} As you crash into the forest at the end of the runway you see a small
} crowd of marmots in the judging stand. One of them is waving an "11.3"
} sign. You got a very high score.
}
} Now as you gaze down from the Cockpit Invisible in the Vast & Eternal
} Heavens, you can see that the marmots have built a wood-chucking tower
} in your honour, and that they are casting the remains of the broken
} trees, your broken and still-inclined plane, and portions of your
} former body from the tower. Even the grandmother marmots are doing this.
} One of the grandmother marmots just threw your left shoe. You feel
} proud, humbled, chastised, and rather incorporeal.
}
} You owe the Oracle many fewer marmots.

> Oh Oracle who cuts through red tape as if it were... tape.

> According to the IRS, "Certain whaling captains may be able to deduct
> expenses paid in 2011 for Native Alaskan subsistence bowhead whale
> hunting activities. See Pub. 526 for details." Can I deduct the cost
> of buying Moby Dick?

} Certainly!
}
} All one has to do is register as a whaling captain (letter of the law,
} and all that). This is fairly simple; just buy a whaling boat, and the
} whaling captain registration is free (in certain jurisdictions;
} postage and taxes may apply).
}
} To make sure the IRS doesn't view this as a tax dodge, you'll need to
} hire out a crew.
}
} The crew will expect to get paid on a fairly regular basis, so they'll
} need to, you know, do some actual whaling.
}
} You'll have to accompany them - not only is it expected, but you have
} to keep an eye on your investment. That, and you can't really be a
} captain of a ship if you've never stepped on board, can you?
}
} Once you kill your first whale, it becomes a little easier after that.
} Soon you'll get used to it, and view the whales as vicious, cruel, and
} out to get you. So, obviously, they deserve to be hunted down.
}
} Whaling is pretty dangerous work. Anything out on the open seas is
} incredibly dangerous, in fact. It might not happen your first trip
} out, or even your fifteenth, but eventually you'll be out whaling and
} you'll get into an accident, and you'll get back to shore, but the
} doctors will say that it's been too long, and they'll have to
} amputate.
}
} Now you'll be mighty mad at the whale that did this to you, and,
} rather than take responsibility for your own failures, you'll charter
} a new expedition to hunt down and kill that whale that cost you your
} [arm | leg | eyetooth].
}
} The next thing you know, you'll have the whale in sight, but at the
} critical moment, the harpoon will miss. So blinded with revenge,
} you'll reach down to clear the line, only to have it wrap around you
} and pull you beneath the waves.
}
} So, on second thought: no, you really shouldn't.
}
} You owe the Oracle a version of Moby Dick without all the boring
} chapters (which, admittedly, make up most of the book).

> We all know of games you can play by e-mail; are there any you can play
> by voice mail?

} Various traditional games have been tried. But it's
} kind of annoying to come home from work and check your
} messages, and find out that you could have yelled BINGO
} earlier in the day. Poker is likewise difficult to
} play well, because after several rounds of betting you
} learn that your opponents all had royal flushes plus
} five side aces and you can't really dispute it, and if
} you are playing the strip variant, you find yourself
} sitting alone in your kitchen wearing nothing but
} your tattoos. Chess works about as well as in real
} life, but then it's boring in real life too.
}
} It's a little-told story that Don Woods and Willie
} Crowther developed the original Adventure computer
} game via a series of phone messages. The project
} nearly ground to a halt, however, during the testing
} phase, after a series of one hundred messages that
} said "YOU ARE IN A MAZE OF TWISTY LITTLE PASSAGES,
} ALL ALIKE."
}
} Really, the only game that has proved to work well
} via voice mail, and be popular through the years, is
} Breakup.
}
} "Brenda, we need to talk. Call me."
} "Hi Sweetie, sorry I missed your call, guess I had
} the ringtone muted. We're still on for tonight
} though, right?"
} "Brenda, please pick up the phone. I really need
} to tell you something."
} "Oops, Rick, guess I was in the bathroom or
} something. Hey, it's almost 6:30, shouldn't you
} be here by now?"
} "Brenda, I don't know how I keep missing you.
} Please, don't make this harder, call me right
} back."
} "Hi Rick, I'm down in the lobby now, where are
} you??? You know how my therapist says I need
} someone I can rely on."
} "Brenda, here's the problem: things are really
} crazy at work, and I may need some time in the
} evenings for the next several months to take
} care of an important classified client.
} Starting tonight."
}
} Seems like Brenda is on the verge of winning this
} scrum; Rick's mounting a late comeback but I have
} a feeling Brenda has a play or two in reserve.
}
} You owe the Oracle the phone number for Amarillo Slim.

> Hi, where's my friend that I met on here? At least, that's what he
> called himself.

} Lois, I'm going to explain this to you again, very, very carefully.
}
} "A Friend" is what that man in the red cape and blue tights calls
} himself. He flies around the world helping people, and then disappears
} for hours or days at a time.
}
} That man is your colleague and fellow reporter, Clark Kent. He's
} sitting right across from you. Wave hello.
}
} "But Clark wears glasses," you've protested on many occasions. "He
} can't be Superman; how would he see?"
}
} The answer is, of course: contacts.
}
} Go ahead, study his jawline. Imagine him without the slouch. Doesn't
} Clark seem a bit .. built, for a reporter? Does he ever make flimsy
} excuses and dash for the nearest closet when things get a little
} hairy? Have you ever seen Clark and Superman together?
}
} Repeat after me: Clark Kent is Superman.
}
} Now, if he thinks you're on to him, he'll try to fool you into
} thinking otherwise. He'll come up with some method of appearing in the
} same place as himself (through, for example, a shapeshifting friend or
} hologram), constructing some elaborate alibi, or simply erasing your
} memories. Do not be fooled! Make multiple copies of this email,
} archive it, and post messages everywhere you can think of.
}
} That said, it's probably better if you keep this a secret. You already
} get in enough trouble with local gangs, would-be despots, and world
} threats as it is; if the underworld figures out that you know who
} Superman is, you might as well slit your own throat and save everyone
} a lot of hassle. So *keep quiet*. Your dad was in the military; you
} should know the value of a well-kept secret.
}
} You owe the Oracle the secret identity of the Martian Manhunter.

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