Internet Oracularities Digest #1461
oracle-...@cs.indiana.edu
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 09 13:59:51 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <kin...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1461
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to ora...@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracl...@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1461
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1456 28 votes 02bc3 079a2 23a85 12c94 12af0 1b961 69931 1bd30 29b42 36d51
1456 3.1 mean 3.6 3.2 3.4 3.5 3.4 2.8 2.4 2.6 2.8 2.8
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 09 13:59:52 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1461-01
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Praise for the Oracle; a supplicant who can't live without him, and who
> depends on him for everything, who is unworthy to dare ask him
> anything, and who writes in noun phrases; the meaning of life; the
> desire to his bizarrely constructed question; a speedy answer?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Run, run, run. See Spot run. Run, Spot, run. Run, run, run.
}
} Noun, noun, noun. See Supplicant noun. Noun, Supplicant, noun.
}
} You owe the Oracle a brightly colored adjective.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 09 13:59:53 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1461-02
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I'm marooned here on the Island of Tobasco in the northern South
> Pacific Ocean, It's somewhere between Easter Island, Christmas Island
> and Bank Holiday Island. The natives think I'm from Mars, which is
> strange because they don't have telescopes or a knowledge of astronomy
> or science fiction. Tobasco is too hot for me. Please send some ice if
> you can't transport me home. Or to Mars.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Some people do find Tobasco hot at first, but that's part of its
} appeal. You'll get used to it. Mars, not so much - the atmosphere
} leaves something to be desired. (Be glad I'm not in the
} transportation business.)
}
} If you really can't take the heat, you'll want to go about 20 miles
} southeast to Trynowdad, named for its spotty cell phone coverage.
} From there you should eventually be able to place a call to someone
} who can retrieve you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a couple of bottles of habanero sauce.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 09 13:59:54 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1461-03
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> who is responsible for this atrocity?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, whoever it was, Obama still has to clean it up.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 09 13:59:55 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1461-04
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhem...@blueyonder.co.uk>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> QUICK!!! I'm about to enter the finals in the International
> Paper/Scissors/Rock competition! What will my opponent's
> sequence of choices be?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} 'Limited'.
}
} You owe the Oracle something accurate, but unhelpful. Yesterday's
} weather report, for example.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 09 13:59:56 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1461-05
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhem...@blueyonder.co.uk>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh almighty Oracle of Oracle-i-ness, am I a cheater?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I would say not. At least not physically. Observe your hands and note
} the ape-like extended digits. Look in the mirror and examine the shape
} and location of your ears. Contemplate the way you stand and ambulate.
} There is indeed tiny hairs all over your skin, but you will agree that
} it's a far cry from spotted fur. Finally, try to take down a
} wildebeest. And I would like video of that.
}
} So no, I would say that you are not a cheater or any other kind of
} large cat. Again, not physically. To know if you have some totem of
} the type, or if your soul takes the shape of one, you would need to
} consult a shaman or medicine man.
}
} You're in luck! Being omniscient, I just happen to also be a
} professional shaman, medicine man and Vodoun priest. However, it is
} traditional that before you are given access to such knowledge, you go
} on a vision quest. This involves the use of peyote, which is fun, but
} it's all very tedious and you have to face uncomfortable truths and
} blah, blah, blah.
}
} But now! Available for the first time in mankind's existence is the
} Internet Oracle's 12 Easy Steps to Know Thyself! Offered exclusively
} through the Internet Oracle web site, this product lets you:
}
} *Contemplate the Universe on the level of the great philosophers and
} scientists!
}
} *Know your perfect role in society and how to achieve lasting
} contentment!
}
} *Give the answers to all of life's difficult questions!
}
} *Be completely rid of acne in less than a month!
}
} * And much, much more!
}
} And how much would you expect to pay for such a fundamental,
} life-altering product? Your soul? Your first born? $1000? That's
} just too much! For a limited time, you can get this amazing product
} for only three easy installments of $333.33! That's right! In three
} easy payments you will have all the answers you've wanted over the
} years! Act now and you also get this handy french fry maker! Just
} hold the potato on the cutting board, slide the Easy-Clean sleeve over
} it, press down and voila! Instant french fries! A $14.95 value, yours
} free!
}
} You owe the Oracle - nay, you owe *yourself* the fantastic opportunity
} that awaits your call! Act now! Supplies are limited! (Optional
} Become-a-Buddha and Instant-Christ-Powder sold separately.)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 09 13:59:57 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1461-06
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Orrie, Orrie, Orrie! This is slightly crucial, so I need a bit of your
> complete attention. Today is the last chance this week for me to enter
> the monthly lucky drawing for the lottery. I get to pick whatever
> number I want, within certain limits.
>
> Anyway, I thought that since you have a partially utmost knowledge of
> nearly everything, at least somewhat, you could probably help me. I'll
> even give half my winnings to charity. And since I'm going to bet my
> grandmother's house on it, the charity will have to supply a bit more
> than most of the losings if I lose, so she'll still have somehwere to
> live if that happens, so it's a good deal for them and very important,
> more or less, if you could predict the exact number for winning the
> total jackpot, less taxes and a fee for your services (only if I win).
>
> Please don't tell me it's 314159 like you did last time. You said it
> was as easy as pie. More like fruitcake! I played that number and I
> lost. That's part of why I have to win HAVE TO WIN, GOT THAT? this
> time!
>
> I'm putting everything I have and a lot of what I don't have on that
> one number. Don't let me fail.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You're right, the number I gave you before is completely irrational.
}
} Just use 161803 and you'll be golden.
}
} You owe the Oracle some pie. I like pie. Strawberry rhubarb. And
} pecan. And sweet potato. And some greens an' cornbread. I wants me
} some vittles.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 09 13:59:58 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1461-07
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} NOOOOOOOOO. SPO-O-O-O-O-O-O-OCK.
}
} You owe the Oracle another tre-e-e-e-e-ek.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 09 13:59:59 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1461-08
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Are laws really made incongruous?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Usually they start out that way rather than being made so at a later
} time. However, there are exceptions. The notorious prohibition
} against carrying ice cream in one's pocket, for example, was created
} to address the problem created by one Wallace Hormuckel of (you
} guessed it) Lexington, Kentucky. He loved ice cream, but would always
} begin eating his cones at a speed that resulted in an immediate
} headache. While waiting for the headache to pass, he habitually
} placed the cone in his back pocket - and then forgot about it, often
} sitting down or leaning against walls. The resulting sticky spots
} became a considerable public nuisance, and the local ant population
} exploded.
}
} Wallace was a law-abiding citizen of advanced years, so rather than
} confronting him directly, the municipal government decided to prohibit
} carrying ice cream in pockets altogether, reasoning that no one else
} would ever be affected.
}
} On his death, the law was - returning to your question - made
} incongruous.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sane 112th Congress. (Good luck.)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 09 14:00:00 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1461-09
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> hi Orrie. Mark Anthony here. Really weird stuff has been
> happening. The other day, I was giving a funeral speech for
> my friend Julius Caeser, when all of a sudden an outlandishly
> dressed rude individual leaped to the stage, grabbed my
> speech out of my hands, told me I would be allowed to
> continue later, and started talking about someone named
> 'Beyonce'. At the end of his incoherent rant, he asserted
> that 'Julius Caeser did not care about black people'. I
> assume he was talking about himself since he was indeed of
> Moorish countenance. My question: was this a supernatural
> occurrence? Was this perhaps Zeus, or Apollo in disguise
> playing a jest upon us?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You Romans really have to get a grip on your time-travelling. That was
} Scipio Africanus from nearly two hundred years ago, messing things up
} as usual. You'll remember how he was tried for fiscal mismanagement
} even though he was winning the Punic Wars, which (as you also know)
} sometimes get misspelled, much to the amusement of schoolboys. Most of
} your problem comes from living backwards. You, for example were born in
} 83, but died (or more precisely will die) in 30. A lot of the early
} software for time machines got all that stuff wrong. There was (or will
} be, from your prespective) also the problem of whether of not the year
} zero existed, or will exist. LXXXIII and XXX you can understand. Zero
} remains to be discovered.
}
} You owe the Oracle a big bowl of spaghetti milanese, as soon as Marco
} Polo discovers it.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 09 14:00:01 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1461-10
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Do you have any idea with whom you're dealing?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You got to know when to hold em
} Know when to fold em
} Know when to walk away
} (and) Know when to run
} You never cuss the Oracle
} When you ask without a grovel
} There'll be time enough for zotting
} When the reply is done
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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1461
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