Internet Oracularities Digest #1507

[oracle-...@cs.indiana.edu]

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Date: Sun, 18 Nov 12 09:08:25 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <kin...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1507

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to ora...@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracl...@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1507
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1502 23 votes 23b61 1a345 15674 56813 04766 15674 5c330 53771 14693 07673
1502 3.1 mean 3.0 3.1 3.3 2.6 3.6 3.3 2.2 2.8 3.4 3.3

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Date: Sun, 18 Nov 12 09:08:26 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1507-01

Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hey, Orrie! How does the story go of Ali Baba and the 40,000 thieves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There was once a man named Ali Baba who lived in a small village.
} One day, when he was walking his goat, he heard a great, thunderous
} noise coming from over the mountain. Louder and louder it got, so he
} and his goat decided to hide behind a rock. Suddenly, 40,000 thieves
} came pouring over the hill! Once they were all in the valley, the
} leader spoke, "Open sesame!" to the mountain wall, and a giant cave
} opened up! The thieves all started pouring into the cave with all the
} loot that they had amassed.
}
} After the door closed, Ali Baba was so surprised that he sat there
} thinking of what had just transpired. Within a few minutes, the ground
} started to shake again, and he saw the mountain wall open up again,
} whereupon all 40,000 thieves came charging out on their horses and
} riding off into the distance for their next plunder. After he was sure
} they left, Ali Baba took his goat and went to the wall, thinking, "If I
} could only get a little of that gold those thieves left behind, surely
} I'd be rich enough not to have to walk this stupid goat around
} anymore."
}
} So, Ali Baba spoke the words he remembered the leader saying: "Open
} sesame!" and the mountain opened up for him. Taking his goat along, he
} wandered down a long, dark passage, finally reaching a room glittering
} with gold and jewels, rugs and vases, and all sorts of wonderful
} treasure! Thinking quickly, he grabbed some sacks lying nearby and
} started filling them with as much treasure as he could. He then loaded
} them onto the goat. "At least you're good for something today, you dumb
} animal," he said as he started walking back to the village with his
} newfound riches.
}
} Little did he know, there was one thief still inside the cave! This
} thief hid when he heard Ali Baba stomping down the passage with the
} bah's of the goat. He watched Ali Baba fill up all his sacks of
} treasure, and then slyly followed him back to the village, taking note
} of where Ali Baba lived. The thief then ran back to the hideout, and
} reported to the leader as soon as the horde returned. "Sire, I saw a
} village man rob us of much of our treasures today, and followed him
} back to his home in the village." The leader was enraged. "How dare
} someone steal from me! Who is he? I want him dead! I want his family
} dead!"
}
} So, all the thieves gathered up and rode out to the village the
} next day. They slaughtered everyone and burned all the houses down,
} paying special care to Ali Baba's home. Satisfied at having gotten
} their revenge and recovering their treasure, the thieves returned to
} their cave.
}
} Now, Ali Baba happened to be out walking his goat again, and when
} he returned, there was the village all laid waste! He ran over to the
} burning heap of his old home, hoping to heaven the treasure was still
} underneath the rubble. There he was, sifting desperately through the
} ash of his house, tossing the bones of family members left and right
} searching for his newfound wealth. After all hope was lost, he sat
} down, sad and depressed that all his hopes of a better life had just
} been destroyed. "Now I'll never get rid of this goat," he sighed.
}
} After Ali Baba was done moping, he got up and looked around. "No,
} not this time," he thought to himself. Ali Baba had decided it was time
} to take matters into his own hands. "They took everything I've ever
} loved: they took my home, they took my treasure, they took my dreams,"
} Ali Baba said as he stepped over his wife's bones, "...now I'll take
} their lives!" Scavenging around, he found an old sword one of the
} thieves must have dropped. Picking up the weapon, he then disrobed
} himself and tied his turban around his head like a bandana. "This time,
} it's personal," he spoke. Ali Baba then mounted the goat and plodded
} off to the mountain cave. Once there, he rode straight up to the cave
} wall and yelled, "Open sesame!" When the great door had opened, Ali
} Baba began to ride slowly down the passage, preparing himself for the
} inevitable onslaught.
}
} The thieves were all eating, drinking, and reveling in their
} plunders and adventures when all of a sudden, a half-naked man on a
} goat appeared from the passage! All 40,000 thieves stopped and marveled
} at the absurdity of this wonder. Seizing the moment, Ali Baba, sitting
} on his goat with sword in hand, sized up his opponents. "I am here," he
} declared, "to kick ass and eat falafel. And I'm all out of falafel."
} Ali Baba then charged as fast as the goat could carry him into the
} stunned horde, swinging his sword left and right in a fury. Heads hit
} the floor, limbs flew from side to side, and bodies dropped heavy to
} the ground as Ali Baba hacked his way through to the center of the
} room. When he drew close, the leader of the thieves stood up, with his
} mighty spear in his hand, and roared, "Who is the dead man who thinks
} he can--" But he never got to finish those words, as Ali Baba ripped
} his sword across the leader's throat as easily as a hot knife through
} butter as he plowed past in his fury.
}
} When all was done, those who were not slain had fled far away from
} the massacre, as the sight of the skinny little naked man on a goat,
} both now red as a roaring flame by the blood of his enemies, was too
} much for them to take. Ali Baba then got off his goat and looked at
} what he had done. "Now it's all mine! Surely my dreams have been
} resurrected this day," he said, and so overcome with joy was he that he
} took the mighty goat that had carried him through the grand assault and
} slaughtered it. After feasting on the goat, he then loaded up as many
} of the thieves' horses that he could find with as much treasure he
} could find, and rode off in the direction of the next town, there to
} settle down and live happily ever after.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 18 Nov 12 09:08:27 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1507-02

Selected-By: Dave <lighti...@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Please explain your "muddled asses yearning to breathe fire."
>
> I was out sick watching the World Serious. I think my buddy Stang
> copied it wrong. Or maybe he is paranoid.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's the name of todays dinner.
}
} Never again shall any priest complain about my chili not being hot

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Date: Sun, 18 Nov 12 09:08:28 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1507-03

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle of most fluent and relentless operation,
> pray tell me and enlighten me:
>
> When paper gets stuck in my printer, it says "paper jam".
> When plums get stuck in a plum stoning machine, does it
> say "plum jam"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unauthorized question. See over there, where the sign says, "QUESTION
} AUTHORITY!" Get your questions authorized there.
}
} You owe the Oracle some questions using puns based on "paper view"
} sports channels and on "plum whine".

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 18 Nov 12 09:08:29 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1507-04

Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawre...@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hey, I think I have the memes down right. Right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pretty much. Yes, you can have a cheeseburger. It's a
} shame if anyone takes your bucket. Some cats are adorable
} (particularly on Saturdays), and some make you Laugh Out
} Loud, however that one cat with a citrus rind on its head
} is just ooky. Your base does belong to that one alien dude,
} in fact all of them probably do. Hitler and Ariel were
} secretly hipsters, even before it was cool. Helicopters can
} not really fly just by repeating ROFL-ROFL-ROFL, not even
} with a LOL-tailrotor. Honey Badger has been know to care,
} but only when you're not looking. Rick Astley will never,
} but never, give you up - he just ain't gonna. Rabbits in
} their natural habitat routinely wear a pancake as headgear.
} Tron Guy will eventually get a date, although lonelygirl15
} would not be an especially good candidate. Heineken was a
} popular beer in post-Katrina New Orleans. Goatse needs to
} see a doctor; Allison Stokke needs to return my phone calls.
} Ermahgerd, Engrish is an epic fail. And Serious Cat remains
} very, freaking, totally serious, and this is a very, freaking,
} totally serious reply to you, oh Supplicant. O RLY? YA RLY!
} NUMA NUMA YEI!

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Date: Sun, 18 Nov 12 09:08:30 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1507-05

Selected-By: Christophe <x...@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Long live the Oracle. You're the only site I've ever used that
> adheres rigidly to the KISS principle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you.
}
} Now, then, as a matter of principle, you should buy the new KISS album.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of Gene's bodysuits. Unused.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 18 Nov 12 09:08:31 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1507-06

Selected-By: Christophe <x...@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> ,esiw tsom elcarO hO

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not bad, my time travel experiment seems to work.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 18 Nov 12 09:08:32 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1507-07

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Why are your supplicants' recent questions so lazy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because.

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Date: Sun, 18 Nov 12 09:08:33 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1507-08

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> La mort mord sans remords. (Death bites without remorse.)
> The French sure have a way of putting things, don't they?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, they do, but so does everyone else. Can their way be so much
} better than the rest? In any case, you should chip. I wouldn't putt
} from there.

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Date: Sun, 18 Nov 12 09:08:34 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1507-09

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle the Human Wizard (level 5, -7/25 HPs)
> Using the last of your mana to teleport away from an angry grizzly bear
> is usually a pretty smart move. This time, however, it landed you right
> in the middle of a band of gnoll mercenaries.
> Do you want your possessions identified?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your inventory
} Amulets
} f - blessed amulet of Flavor Flav
} Weapons
} g - cursed +0 rubber dagger
} Armor
} h - uncursed +0 sandals of grossness
} i - cursed +0 buttcrack shorts
} k - uncursed +0 oversize tanktop shirt
} Comestibles
} d - 12 bags of corn chips
} j - 7 fun-size candy bars
} Scrolls
} l - an uncursed scroll of kill time
} Spellbooks
} m - uncursed spellbook of etiquette (unread)
} Potions
} a - 6 blessed potions of booze
} b - 41 uncursed potions of booze
} c - 9 cursed potions of booze
} Rings
} n - an uncursed ring of bathtub gunk
} Wands
} o - a cursing wanda sykes
} Tools
} e - a blessed bag of holding booze
} Gems
} p - an uncursed genuine cubic zirconia
}
} Contents of the bag of holding booze:
} 1191 potions of booze
}
} Final attributes
} You were the Glory of Sheldon Cooper.
} You were piteously aligned.
} You were sleep resistant.
} You were deodorant resistant.
} You were booze addicted.
} You were warned, but didn't think it applied to you.
} You were invisible to females.
} You could teleport to any couch.
} You were lethargic.
} You were very lethargic.
} I mean seriously, you were one lethargic mofo.
} You had free action, but chose poorly.
} You were extremely lucky.
} You had extra luck.
} Good luck did not time out for you.
} You died despite all that luck. Go figure.
}
} Vanquished creatures
} a little dog
} a kitten
} 2 creatures vanquished.
}
} Voluntary challenges
} You never genocided any wishes
} You never polymorphed a deity
} You never seduced a Valkyrie
} You never picked a peck of pickled peppers
} You never picked up a better weapon
} You never tried on better armor
} You never really tried did you?
} Why can't you be more like your brother?
} You used 1 wish (for booze)
} You did not wish for any hard drugs. There's that.
}
} ----------
} / \
} / REST \
} / IN \
} / PIECES \
} / \
} | Oracle |
} | 0 Au |
} | killed by a |
} | gnoll |
} | |
} | |
} | 2012 |
} *| * * * | *
} _________)/\\_//(\/(/\)/\//\/|_)_______
}
} Goodbye Oracle the Human Wizard...
}
} You died yet again on dungeon level 3 with 420 points,
} and 0 pieces of gold, after 84 moves.
} You were level 5 with a maximum of 25 hit points when you died.
}
} You reached Aleph-null-plus-first place on the top Aleph-null list.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Platinum Yendorian Express Card.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 18 Nov 12 09:08:35 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1507-10

Selected-By: Dave <lighti...@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I'm ready to sign up in the war against reality. Where to
> I report?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's somewhat complex, but I think you'll do all right. Step into this
} plane, and take a seat at (13, 4i). Watch out for the dangerous Poles
} and Zeros.
}
} You owe the Oracle -1.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1507
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