Internet Oracularities Digest #1452
oracle-...@cs.indiana.edu
Date: Tue, 17 Feb 09 15:22:55 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <kin...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1452
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to ora...@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracl...@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1452
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1447 29 votes 5aa40 57962 89b10 49880 3d850 05ac2 14b85 146c6 13a78 69572
1447 2.9 mean 2.4 2.8 2.2 2.7 2.5 3.4 3.4 3.6 3.6 2.7
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Feb 09 15:22:56 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1452-01
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O fantabulous Oracle!
>
> I have come up with a rock-solid proof that you do not exist:
>
> Assumptions:
> (1) The Internet Oracle knows everything.
> (2) Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
> (3) If somebody knows X, they also expect X.
>
> Corrolary 1:
>
> The Oracle expects the Spanish Inquisition.
>
> Corrolary 2:
>
> The Oracle is nobody.
>
> Well, what do you say about that?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, now. A disbeliever hath we. First of all, Someone could reply
} that 'Chuck Norris Expects the Spanish Inquisition,' but I know many a
} person who can beat Chuck Norris at things, and those jokes are old.
} The Oracle is Nobody? Yes. You ever play Kingdom Hearts 2? With the
} Oracle it was Organization XIIII. But NOPE, I won't make that joke
} either.
} So hold on a second, though. You don't believe I exist, and yet you're
} WRITING to me? Are you just pretending to be a Usenet Atheist, or are
} you insulting me?
} You don't walk up to (or in this case, E-Mail) a supreme being just to
} tell them 'Haw Haw! You don't exist!' Unless you are ready for the
} supreme punishment of their supreme figmentive powers to kick your
} butt. And use words that don't exist, such as 'figmentive.' And chow
} down afterward on a supreme chicken Chalupa.
} Well I'M NOT LAUGHING. The reason I sent the Spanish Inquisition is
} because I sent them.
} The reason I am nobody is because this is the Internet, and I am being
} anonymous.
} So alright you asked. And through asking you asked for it!
} ZOT!
} KERBLAM!
} Zap-eth.
} Alright, you owe the Oracle a Supreme Chicken Chalupa. Drat, I am so
} very hungry.
} *poof*
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Feb 09 15:22:57 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1452-02
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Wise Oracle,
>
> Is yogurt good for fish?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No. It is too thick to swim in. Try putting them in milk and see if
} they can swim there.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fish flan.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Feb 09 15:22:58 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1452-03
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Most spirited and unflaggingly wise Oracle,
>
> How much is a soul worth now a days on the open market?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The expert recommendation for this stock is,
} as always, DO NOT SELL.
}
} But you owe the Oracle some good, strong spirits.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Feb 09 15:22:59 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1452-04
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Great Oracle, who knows more about psychology than Dr Phil:
>
> Do there exist people who have a fear of widths?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes. We call them "narrow minded people."
}
} You owe The Oracle a double-wide trailer.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Feb 09 15:23:00 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1452-05
Selected-By: MARK LAWRENCE <lawre...@osu.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What gives? I wasn't digested this time, even though I
> gave much better answers to the same questions.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The thing I hate about humans is how much some of them like wearing
} fetish-wear. Leather, I can handle. Mohair, wool, even crocodile
} skin, it all goes down fairly well. But those studded pvc vinyl body
} suits are really hard on my system. Lay off them next time, okay
} supplicant? Stick to the natural fibres and we all stay happy.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Feb 09 15:23:01 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1452-06
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh double secret agent Oracle, even if Cthulhu were plotting
> to destroy America, you would be able to foil him in a mere
> 12 hours, using only a bowlful of household chemicals and a
> water pistol. You are tougher than Chuck Norris trapped in
> Arnold Schwarzenegger's body!
>
> Has 24 finally jumped the shark? A Massive Global Conspiracy
> run by ... a piddling third world country with diamonds?
> Uh huh. How about the fact that the good guys could
> easily detect if planes started veering weirdly off course,
> and could call the pilot and just ask him, "Excuse me, did a
> man with a deep voice and thick foreign accent just
> contact the plane a few minutes ago with a course
> correction directing you to fly into the Sears Towers?
> M'kay, well, just get back on course, and please ignore
> any similar calls in future. We're still working on the
> spam filters."
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's television for crying out loud, by definition it's
} geared to illiterates and shut-ins. Sweating it makes you
} look foolish, let it slide.
}
} You owe the Oracle his own prime time show.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Feb 09 15:23:02 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1452-07
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Today is opposite day.
>
> You owe this Supplicant a piece of paper.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sorry. There's none in this stall either.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Feb 09 15:23:03 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1452-08
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> M-YM-^EM-XM--M-YM-^EM-XM-/ M-YM-^CM-YM-^DM-XM-(
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Frequently, but it's one of the more difficult ones to accomplish. Some
} people try gently spreading fertilizer; others simply take the bull by
} the tail and look the matter squarely in the face, and that's what I
} would advise you to do.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Feb 09 15:23:04 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1452-09
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> My CD player stopped playing, and my friend here in New York said I
> should take it to Puget Sound. There doesn't seem to be any company by
> that name, not here in NYC. He said they are open 24/7 and I could just
> drop in. Where can I find Puget Sound?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Pungent" Sound. Your pal was comparing your taste in
} music to a 'pungent sound'. You might not want to play
} your headphones so loud, your hearing is going south.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Feb 09 15:23:05 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1452-10
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What should I tell her?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Tell her it's her not you and that she should really consider therapy.
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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1452
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