Canonical List Of Business And Sales Humor 2/3

[April Fool]

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-= office and work humor =-= 48 =---------------------------------------------

From: IRS
Re: Notice Of Tax Increase (Form 1040P)

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact
that 40% of the time, it is hanging around unemployed; 20% of the time, it is
pissed off; 30% of the time, it is hard up; and 10% of the time, it is in the
hole. On top of this, it has two dependents who are both are nuts. Accordingly,
starting January 1, 1995, your penis will be taxed according to its size. To
determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this
information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.

*12-10 inches - Luxury Tax......$50.00
10- 8 inches - Pole Tax........$30.00
8- 6 inches - Privilege Tax...$15.00
6- 4 inches - Nuisance Tax....$ 6.00

*Males Exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains

Please Note : Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

Please do not request an extension.

Sincerely,

Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service

-= office and work humor =-= 49 =---------------------------------------------

Management Worker Interface

Here's an interesting view of the management-worker interface, obviously sent
from a denizen of the unbearable white heat of the leading edge of the
technological revolution. Whatever that is.
The Field-Effectiveness Transistor (FET) is a four-terminal, depletion-mode
device shown schematically in Fig. 1

Sales
|
__|
_____| |
Mgmt ()____) |-------Mktg
| |__
|
|
Cust

Figure 1 Basic Structure of the FET.

As you can see, the device acts basically as a switch; when the influence of
Mgmt is removed, a conductive path is established between Sales and Cust on the
Mktg substrate. A negative input from Mgmt causes resistance to build in the
conductive channel. Sales and Cust are isolated from each other and from Mktg,
and all three end up floating. This tends to have a second-order feedback
effect on Mgmt, but does not materially change the device's behavior. The
effect of a positive input from Mgmt has not been observed and is not known.
The Mgmt input is shown on the schematic as a 'pipeline' rather than as a
single pin. This is due to an effect which causes signals from Mgmt to strongly
affect the other three pins, but prevents any signal transmission in the reverse
direction. Physicists have labelled this the "Shit-Flowing-Downhill effect",
after the research team at Solid State University which first described the
phenomenon.
The Field-Effectiveness Transistor has a wide variety of applications,
especially in the surveillance electronics industry, where it is used for
isolation, data encryption and as a noise source. It is also used in nuclear
detonators and marital aids.

-= office and work humor =-= 50 =---------------------------------------------

In an R&D orbit, only two of the existing three parameters can be defined
simultaneously. The parameters are: task, time and resources ($).
1) If one knows what the task is, and there is a time limit allowed for the
completion of the task, then one cannot guess how much it will cost.
2) If the time and resources ($) are clearly defined, then it is impossible
to know what part of the R&D task will be performed.
3) If you are given a clearly defined R&D goal, and a definite amount of
money which has been calculated to be necessary for the completion of the task,
one cannot predict if and when the goal will be reached.
4) If one is lucky enough and can accurately define all 3 parameters, then
what one deals with is not in the realm of R&D.

-= office and work humor =-= 51 =---------------------------------------------

The Saga Of Management Review Of Writing Style

Question: How many feet do mice have?
Original Reply: Mice have four feet.
Management's Comment: Elaborate!

Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Management's Comment: No discussion of 5th appendage!

Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
Management's Comment: What? Feet with no legs?

Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
Management's Comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?

Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
Management's Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!

Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is
equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with
a foot.
Management's Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful No!

Revision 6: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute
misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
Management's Comment: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!

Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the
mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature.
Management's Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!

Final Revision Approved By Management: Mice have four feet.

-= office and work humor =-= 52 =---------------------------------------------

The Corporate Structure And Performance Levels

Chairman Of The Board
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

President
Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch
engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if the sea is
calm. Talks to God.

Executive Vice President
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as
powerful as a switch engine. Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in
an indoor swimming pool. Talks with God if special request is approved.

Vice President
Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with a locomotive. Can fire a
speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.

General Manager
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a
locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog
paddles. Talks to animals.

Manager
Climbs walls continually. Rides the rails. Plays Russian Roulette. Walks
on thin ice. Prays a lot.

Supervisor
Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not
issued ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks to walls.

New Hire
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says "look at the
choo-choo". Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles
to himself.

Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a
single glance. She IS God.

-= office and work humor =-= 53 =---------------------------------------------

How To Evaluate Personnel For Consideration For Job Or Performance

Degree of Performance
------ -- -----------
1 - Far Exceeds Job Requirements
2 - Exceeds Job Requirements
3 - Meets Job Requirements
4 - Needs Improvement
5 - Does Not Meet Minimal Requirements

Area Of Performance
-------------------

Quality Of Work
__ 1 - Leaps tall buildings with a single bound
__ 2 - Leaps tall buildings with a running start
__ 3 - Can leap a short building if prodded
__ 4 - Bumps into building
__ 5 - Cannot recognize buildings

Promptness
__ 1 - Is faster than a speeding bullet
__ 2 - Is as fast as a speeding bullet
__ 3 - Would you believe a slow bullet?
__ 4 - Misfires frequently
__ 5 - Wounds self when handling guns

Initiative
__ 1 - Is stronger than a locomotive
__ 2 - Is as strong as a bull elephant
__ 3 - Almost as strong as a bull
__ 4 - Shoots the bull
__ 5 - Smells like a bull

Adaptability
__ 1 - Walks on water
__ 2 - Keeps head above water under stress
__ 3 - Washes with water
__ 4 - Drinks water
__ 5 - Passes water in emergencies

Communication
__ 1 - Talks to God
__ 2 - Talks with Angles
__ 3 - Talks to himself
__ 4 - Argues with himself
__ 5 - Loses arguments with himself

-= office and work humor =-= 54 =---------------------------------------------

Performance Evaluation

Under the Freedom of Information Act and the Federal Privacy Act of 1974, I
understand that my work performance is being evaluated. I have the right to
review and discuss differences in order to resolve them and I have the right to
request amendment to and/or modification of any document.

Name:________________ Date of review:____________

Knowledge:
1 __ The son of a bitch really knows his shit.
2 __ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
3 __ Only has half a brain and is dangerous.
4 __ Fucking brain damaged. His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.

Accuracy:
1 __ Does excellent work if not preoccupied with pussy.
2 __ Pretty good; occasionally blows it out his ass.
3 __ Has to take off his shoes to count higher than ten.
4 __ Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice.

Attitude:
1 __ Extremely cooperative (kisses ass frequently).
2 __ Brown noser in poor standing.
3 __ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it's his job.
4 __ Doesn't give a shit; never did, never will.

Reliability:
1 __ Really a dependable little cocksucker.
2 __ Can rely on him at evaluation time.
3 __ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door.
4 __ Totally fucking worthless.

Appearance:
1 __ Extremely neat: even combs his pubic hair.
2 __ Looks great at evaluation time.
3 __ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch!
4 __ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him.

Performance:
1 __ Goes like a son of a bitch, if there is money in it.
2 __ Does okay around evaluation time.
3 __ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes.
4 __ Couldn't do less work if he were in a coma.

Leadership:
1 __ Carries a chain saw and gets good results.
2 __ Occasionally gets told to "Get Fucked".
3 __ Mother Theresa tells him to "Get Fucked".
4 __ Couldn't lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat.

-= office and work humor =-= 55 =---------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser?
Depth perception.

-= office and work humor =-= 56 =---------------------------------------------

Ride My Ass

To Whom It May Concern:

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the
maximum safe load capacity on my butt is 2 persons at a time, unless I install
hand rails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass
today, please take a number and wait your turn.

Thank You.

-= office and work humor =-= 57 =---------------------------------------------

Sayings Involving The F Word

figmo fuck it, got my orders
fubab fucked up beyond all belief
fubar fucked up beyond all recognition/repair
fumtu fucked up more than usual
snafu situation normal, all fucked up
tarfu things are really fucked up
janfu joint army-navy fuckup. (When American troops get shelled by their own
side, in this case involving both the army and the navy. Very
popular in Viet-Nam. There are a whole slew of these involving the
various combinations of services.)
gfu general fuck-up
samfu self-adjusting military fuck-up
sapfu surpassing all previous fuck-ups
susfu situation unchanged, still fucked-up
WOFTAM Waste Of Fucking Time And Money

hua Head up ass
hwua Head way up ass
RTFM Read the Fucking Manual

-= office and work humor =-= 58 =---------------------------------------------

Abusive Language

Management wishes to bring to the attention of all personnel the fact that
some individuals have been using abusive language in the exchange of normal
verbal communications relative to the performance of routine activities on the
premises. This practice must cease immediately.
The following coded list is provided to permit individual freedom of
expression and allow all the outlets of frustration in a clear, concise manner.
It will prove a very effective tool and, if employed properly, will offend no
one with delicate ears. Instead of yelling the obscenity, holler the number
code corresponding to the expletive you wish to express.
To prevent mistaking these communication codes with department numbers and/or
telephone extensions, management has assigned the 800 and 900 series numbers to
be utilized for your convenience and clarity.

801 You gotta be shitting me 831 It won't fucking work
802 Get off my fucking back 832 Go pound sand up your ass
803 Beats the shit out of me 833 Fuck off
804 What the fuck 834 Who called this fucking meeting?
805 It's so fucking bad I can't 835 Fucked up beyond repair
believe it 836 Adios, mother fucker
806 I hate this fucking place 837 Idiot, you don't know your ass from
807 This place sucks first base.
808 Fuck you very much 838 No shit
809 Lovely, simply fucking lovely 839 No fucking shit
810 That damn club 900 Unbefuckingly believable.
811 Damn fuck shit piss 901 Cool it, this is my wife/husband,
812 Get bent keep your mouth shut.
813 Kiss my ass, buddy 902 Take your time, I don't want to be
814 I really don't give a shit stuck with this ass for lunch
815 Fuck it, I'm on salary 903 Help me unload this mother
816 Stick it in your fucking ear 904 Hey baby, let's ball at lunch
817 Piss on the whole fucking project 905 I'm free tonight
818 Fuck it, just plain fuck it 906 Tied up with wife/husband tonight.
819 Hot shit 907 My wife/husband is out of town
820 Hot fucking shit 908 Let's take off sick together
821 Bitchin' 909 Meet you at the motel
822 Tell someone who gives a shit 910 Let's trade fucking partners
823 Don't get so fucking wise 911 Sorry honey, but it's that time
824 I don't give a fuck, so there 912 Will she or won't she?
825 Fuck you in the heart, Jack 913 Will he or won't he?
826 !*&#$%*!, you son of a bitch 914 B.O.B. (Buzz off, bitch)
827 Whatever you say, asshole 915 Answer the fucking phone
828 Who the fuck was that? 916 I'm not a fucking machine
829 What the fuck was that? 917 It's not my fucking job
830 Fuck you too 918 It's none of your goddamn business

-= office and work humor =-= 59 =---------------------------------------------

Politically Correct Office Communication

To All Employees

It has been brought to the management's attention that some individuals have
been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees.
Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct
will no longer be tolerated. The management does however realize the importance
of each person being able to properly express their feelings when communicating
with their fellow employees. Therefore, management has compiled the following
code phrases, so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

Old Phrase New Phrase
-------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------
No fucking way. I'm not certain that's feasible.
You've gotta be shitting me. Really?
Tell someone who gives a fuck. Perhaps you should check with...
Ask me if I give a fuck. Of course I'm concerned.
What the fuck... I wasn't involved with that project.
Fuck it. It won't work. Interesting behavior.
Who the fuck cares? Are you sure it's a problem?
He's got his head up his ass. He's not familiar with the problem.
Eat shit. You don't say?
Eat shit and die. Excuse me?
Eat shit and die, motherfucker. Excuse me, sir?
Kiss my ass. So you like my help with it?
Fuck it. I'm on salary. I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
Shove it up your ass. I don't think you understand.
This job sucks. I love a challenge.
Who the hell died and made you boss? You want *me* to take care of *this*?
Blow me. I see.
Blow yourself. Do you see?
Another fucking meeting. Yes, we should discuss this.
I really don't give a shit. I don't think that it will be a problem.
Why the fuck didn't you see me sooner? I'll try to schedule this sooner.
When the fuck am I supposed to do this? Perhaps I can work late.
Fuck you How nice, how very nice.

-= office and work humor =-= 60 =---------------------------------------------

Genesis Of Shit - The Plan (ver. 1)

In the beginning was the plan
And then came the assumptions
and the assumptions were without form
and the plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke among themselves, saying "it is a crock of shit, and it stinketh"
and the workers went unto their supervisors and sayeth "it is a pail of dung and
none may abide the odor thereof"
and the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, "it is a
container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by
it",
and the managers went unto their directors and sayeth, "it is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide its strength",
and the directors spake amongst themselves, saying one to another, "it contains
that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong",
and the directors went unto the vice presidents to sayeth unto them, "it
promotes growth and is very powerful",
and the vice presidents went unto the president and sayeth unto him, "this new
plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this company, in
these areas in particular",
and the president looked upon the plan,
and saw that it was good, and the plan became policy.
This is how Shit Happens.

-= office and work humor =-= 61 =---------------------------------------------

The Plan (ver. 2)

In the beginning was the plan, but the plan was without form:
And man created the procedure.
Darkness was on the face of the employees
And they were sore afraid.
And they looked upon their supervisors and cried:
"It is a crock of dung stinking to high Heaven!"
And the supervisors spake unto the project administrators, saying:
"It is a bucket of manure and intolerably malodorous."
And the project administrators spake unto the section managers saying:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer and exceedingly strong."
And the section managers spake unto the department directors, saying:
"It promoteth growth and is very powerful."
And the department directors spake unto the company president, saying:
"This powerful new procedure will promote growth and efficiency."
And the company president looked down on the procedure...
and it was Good!
And that is why Shit Happens.
- Anonymous

-= office and work humor =-= 62 =---------------------------------------------

The Plan (ver. 3)

The Strategic Planning

In the beginning was the Plan, and then the Assumptions:
And the Plan was without form and the Assumptions were void:
And the darkness was upon the faces of the implementers:
And the spake unto their Manager saying:
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh,"
And the Manager went to the Area Manager, and the spake unto him saying:
"It is a crock of excrement, and none may abide the odor thereof,"
And the Area Manager went to the Vice-President, and he spake unto him, saying:
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may
abide before it,"
And the Vice-President went to the Senior Vice-President and he spake unto him,
saying:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength,"
And the Senior Vice-President went to the Executive Vice-President and he spake
unto him, saying:
"It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful,"
And the President and Chief Operating Officer went before the Chairman of the
Board and Chief Executive Officer, and they spake unto them, saying:
"This powerful new Plan will promote the Growth of the Company,"
And the Chairman of the Board and Chief Executive Officer looked upon the Plan,
and saw that it was good....
And so it is written.

-= office and work humor =-= 63 =---------------------------------------------

The Plan (ver. 4)

The Project

In the beginning was the project, and then the assumptions and the project was
without form and the assumptions were void and the darkness was upon the faces
of the implementors, and they spake unto their manager, saying: "its a crock of
shit, and it stinketh"

and the manager went to the 2nd level manager, and he spake unto him, saying:
"It's a crock of excrement, and none may abide the odor thereof."

and the 2nd level manager went to the 3rd level manager, and he spake unto him,
saying: "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none
may abide before it."

and the 3rd level manager went to the headquarters director and he spake unto
him saying: "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

and the director went to the division vice president, and he spake unto him,
saying: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

and the vice president went to the division president, and he spake unto him,
saying: "It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful."

and the division president went before the executive board, and he spake unto
them, saying: "This powerful new project will promote the growth of the company"

and the executive board looked upon the project,
and saw it was good.

-= office and work humor =-= 64 =---------------------------------------------

Rest Room Policy

To: All Employees
Subj: Restroom Policy

In the past, employees have been permitted to make trips to the restroom under
informal guidelines. Effective January 1, 1995, a Restroom Trip Policy will be
established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each
employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of employees.

Under the policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee.
The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip credit of
twenty (20) trips. Restroom Trip credits can be accumulated from month to
month.

Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms will be equipped with personnel
identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition devices.
Before the end of December, each employee must provide two copies of voice
prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Material Department. The voice
print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the month
of January. Employees should acquaint themselves with the station during that
period.

If the employee's Restroom Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restroom
will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In
addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper toll
retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm
will sound. Thirty (30) seconds after the alarm sounds the roll of paper will
retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If
the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the Distribution Center Bulletin Boards.
Anyone's picture showing up three (3) times will be immediately terminated. If
you have any questions about this policy, please ask your immediate supervisor.
They have all received advance instruction.

Thank you and have a nice day,
The Boss

Tb/bts

-= office and work humor =-= 65 =---------------------------------------------

Interoffice Memo

To: All employees
Subject: Excessive Absenteeism

Due to the number of absences from the office, the following rules and
procedures wil be put into effect as of this date.

Sickness: No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as
proof. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Leave of absence (For an operation): We are no longer allowing this practice.
As long as you are employed here, you should not consider having anything
removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would make you
less than we bargained for.

Death (Other than your own): This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do
for them and we are sure that someone else with a lesser position can take care
of the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon,
we will be glad to let you off one hour early providing that your share of work
is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Death (Your own): This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like a
two-weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.

Restroom: Entirely too much time is spent in the restroom. In the future we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order; for instance, those
whose names begin with (A) will go from 8:00 to 8:15, (B) 8:15 to 8:30, etc. If
you are unable to go at your appointed time it wil be necessary to wait until
your turn comes around again.

-= office and work humor =-= 66 =---------------------------------------------

Additional Training

It is now and always has been the policy of this department to assure its
students that they are well educated. Through our Special High Intensity
Training program (SHIT), we have given our students more SHIT than any other
college in the area.
If any student feels that he or she could advance to another college by
taking more SHIT, see the department chairperson.
Our teachers are specially trained to assure that students will get all the
SHIT that they can handle.
Any individual who feels he or she has nor received sufficient Special High
Intensity Training, tell your teacher, so he/she can put you at the top of the
SHIT list.

Management

-= office and work humor =-= 67 =---------------------------------------------

Special Training

Memorandum

To: All Employees
From: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work
possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our
program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are giving our
employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in town.
If you feel you do not receive your fair share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your supervisor. You will immediately be placed on top of the
S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the
S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested
in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture
List, Special High Intensity Training (B.U.L.L. - S.H.I.T) program
If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of
Training - Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T - S.H.I.T) program.

Thank you,

Boss In General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G. - S.H.I.T)

P.S. With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily
become the Director of Intensity Programming - Special High Intensity Training
(D.I.P. - S.H.I.T).

-= office and work humor =-= 68 =---------------------------------------------

To: All staff
From: Office Of Superintendent
Re: Teacher In Service Training Schedule (T.I.T.S.)

In accordance with recent changes in the State Education Law, our district is
now required to supply bigger and better T.I.T.S. for each employee.

We are therefore pleased to announce the implementation of the Special High
Intensity Training program (S.H.I.T.). It is our intention to give each member
of the staff as much S.H.I.T. as possible. Advancement, salary increases, and
job changes will be dependent on the amount of S.H.I.T. you have taken.

Employees who feel they have taken as much S.H.I.T. as they can may apply to the
School Council for Review of Educational Welfare (S.C.R.E.W.). All employees are
expected to be S.C.R.E.W.'d at least annually. If you have taken S.H.I.T. and
have been S.C.R.E.W.'d within the past academic year, you will be eligible to
receive a Self Help Award for Teachers (S.H.A.F.T.). Any employee who has been
given the S.H.A.F.T. will not be expected to take as much S.H.I.T. the following
year.

The only exception to this regulation are those teachers who have Bilingual
Activities in Language, Literature and Science (B.A.L.L.S.). Teachers with
enough B.A.L.L.S. may avoid being S.C.R.E.W.'d annually. Teachers in this
category are eligible for courses offered by the Boston University Local
Language program (B.U.L.L.). Approval for B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. courses must be
obtained from the Superintendent's Office-Business (S.O.B.). Only the S.O.B.
can determine how much S.H.I.T. an employee must take before being S.C.R.E.W.'d.

Those teachers who have taken enough S.H.I.T. courses, have S.C.R.E.W.'d, and
given the S.H.A.F.T. are eligible for the Regional Educational Division Award
for Superior Service (R.E.D.A.S.S.). Only teachers with R.E.D.A.S.S. will be
considered for administrative positions and entitled to give more S.H.I.T. than
they take.

-= office and work humor =-= 69 =---------------------------------------------

Employee Professional Improvement Courses (EPIC) for 1994.

E100 Molding Your Employee's Behavior Through Guilt & Fear
E103 Eye Avoidance Techniques
E104 The Primal Shrug
E110 Overcoming Peace of Mind
E155 Cross-Dressing for Success
E200 Career Opportunities in El Salvador
E309 Slide Rule Shortcuts
E404 Tax Shelters for the Indigent
E451 "I made $100 in Real Estate!"
E520 Creative Suffering
EB42 Whine Your Way to Higher Pay
EB59 How to Profit From Your Own Body
EB94 Underachiever's Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
EC13 Bonsai Your Pet
EC22 Communication Through Tap Dance
EC83 Christianity & the Art of RV Maintenance
EC77 Sinus Drainage in the Office
EF69 Dealing With Post-Realization Depression
EC77 Ego Gratification Through Violence
EF93 How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretense & Ostentation
EH99 Biofeedback & How to Stop
EH12 Suicide & Your Health
EH23 How to Convert Your Office into a Garage
EH41 Money Can Make You Rich
EH58 High Fiber Sex
EJ33 Creative Tooth Decay
EJ56 The Joys of Hypochondria
EJ78 Looter's Guide to American Cities
EH12 How to Draw Genitalia
EH12 The Repair & Maintenance of Your Virginity
EM19 Gifts for the Senile
EB42 Burglarproof Your Home in Concrete
EX14 Guilt Without Sex

-= office and work humor =-= 70 =---------------------------------------------

Qualification Test

Your man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in
Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the
same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon
completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager
went to Murphy and said.
Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American
the job"
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct.
This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the
question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You
put down "Neither do I." :^)

-= office and work humor =-= 71 =---------------------------------------------

Those That Become Managers

The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who
don't know. Those who know, they're no problem. Those who don't know are also
in two groups. One is those who don't know, and know they don't know. Well,
they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they
don't know. And they become unit managers!

-= office and work humor =-= 72 =---------------------------------------------

Buzzwords For Managers

Column I Column II Column III
--------------------- --------------------- --------------------
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency

The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then select the
corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
"systematized logistical projection", a phrase that can be dropped into
virtually any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority. No one
will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important
thing is that they will not admit it.

-= office and work humor =-= 73 =---------------------------------------------

(Not that we never write anything like this, but this extract comes from "Well
Informed", the SBD-E (Rank Xerox) Newsletter:)

From a recent monthly report:

Whilst acknowledging that ascertaining the requirements for an improved system
has been a lengthy and at times frustrating exercise, particularly to those on
the sidelines, the investigation phase of this task is now almost complete and
the draft versions of requirements for, and appraisals of, certain proposals
will be completed by the end of the first week in Feb.

-= office and work humor =-= 74 =---------------------------------------------

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to
listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl laughed
uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense
of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."

-= office and work humor =-= 75 =---------------------------------------------

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late
for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do
something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him
to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in
the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked !"
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"

-= office and work humor =-= 76 =---------------------------------------------

Who To Lay Off?

Jack and Jill are both vice-presidents of the same company. One Friday, the
president and CEO of the company calls them both into his office. "The company
is going through some rough times right now", the president began. "We're
having to cut costs where we can, and, as much as it I hate to do this, the
company cannot afford two vice-presidents, so I will have to let one of you go.
You are both equally qualified and do your jobs well so I can't find any
criteria on which to base this decision. What I will do is lay off the first
one of you to leave your desk on Monday."
Monday morning, the boss is there early, looking out his inter-office window
waiting for his two vice presidents. Jack arrives almost 10 minutes early,
flips through his rolodex and starts to make some phone calls. Jill had been
out partying the night before, so she arrives right at 8, sits at her desk, and
starts reading some documents and making notes. The two work for a couple of
hours, but Jill is kind of hung over, so she gets up from her desk, goes to the
water cooler and takes some aspirin.
The boss sees this, and goes to the water cooler to talk to Jill. "Jill," he
says, "You left your desk."
"Yeah, so?" Jill replies.
"Don't you remember the meeting on Friday?" the boss says. "We need to cut
costs and I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"So jack off," says Jill, "I've got a headache."

-= office and work humor =-= 77 =---------------------------------------------

Innovators & Copiers
And this was being passed around at Xerox:

I received a flyer yesterday advertising a workshop on INNOVATIVE management,
qualifying itself with the following quote from someone who clearly knows
something about technology I don't:

"It is a tragedy in our society that we have so few innovators, and so many
copiers."

-= office and work humor =-= 78 =---------------------------------------------

Not Funny, But Strange

The Centers for Disease Control reported that the leading cause of on-the-job
death for female workers is not accidents but murder - at a rate of 3 1/2 times
that for male workers.

-= office and work humor =-= 79 =---------------------------------------------

Japanese Management Lecture

Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one
American, were on their way to an international business conference when they
were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution,"
screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have
any last requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by
singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men."
"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor MY country before I die by singing
"The Marseilles" to your men."
The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor MY country by giving the
lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management."
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
"What is YOUR last request?"
The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to
listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"

-= office and work humor =-= 80 =---------------------------------------------

Memorandum

To: All Employees

Since productivity has not increased since the implementation of the 7-day work
week, the stoppage of all company health and retirement plans, the 20% pay cut,
the 10-year pay freeze, the installation of video cameras in company restrooms,
the hiring of the corporate truant officers to check up on all employees calling
in sick, and the random drug and dirty underwear screenings, management has
decided that the beatings and mandatory self-flagellations will continue until
morale improves.

-= office and work humor =-= 81 =---------------------------------------------

Retirement Gift

When Willie retired from the railway after 50 years' service, the company
presented him with an old coach to keep in his garden as a memento.
One wet day, his friends found him sitting on the step of the coach, smoking
his pipe with an old sack over his shoulders to keep out the rain.
"Hullo, Willie," said his pals, "why are ye no' inside on a day like this?"
"Can ye no' see," replied Willie, with a nod toward the coach. "They sent me
a non-smoker!"

-= office and work humor =-= 82 =---------------------------------------------

Retirement Policy #1

To: All personnel

From: Corporate Headquarters

Subj: New Retirement Plan

As part of our corporate-wide cost reduction efforts, we are going to reduce our
number of personnel by means of a new retirement plan. Managers are being
mailed a package containing all of the details; the highlights are presented
here.

Under the Plan, older employees will go on Early Retirement, thus permitting us
to retain the younger people who represent our future.

The program, which will be placed into effect immediately, will phase out all
the older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year. The program shall be
known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early)

Employees who are being RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs
within the company, provided that while they are being RAPEd, they request a
review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This
phase of the Plan is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early
Workers).

All employees who are being RAPEd and SCREWed are eligible for a trial review by
higher management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination.)

The provisions of the Plan dictate that employees may be RAPEd once and SCREWed
twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems
appropriate.

Employees fulfilling the above requirements of the Plan are entitled to get
HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Employment Service). HERPES is
considered a bonus plan, since employees who have HERPES will no longer be RAPEd
or SCREWed by the company.

It is now, and always has been, the policy of the company to assure that
employees are well-trained. To accomplish this, a new program called SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) will be put into effect. With this program, we
will now be able to give our employees more SHIT than any other company.

If an employee feels that he or she is not getting enough SHIT on the job, or
that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see
your manager.

Our management people are specially trained to see to it that you will get all
the SHIT you can stand.

-= office and work humor =-= 83 =---------------------------------------------

Retirement Policy #2

Memorandum

To: All Personnel
Subj: New Retirement Policy

As a result of the reduction in money budgeting for division purposes, we are
working to cut down our number of personnel.

Under the plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year via early retirement will be placed into effect immediately. The
program shall be known as RAPE (Retired Aged Personnel - Early).

Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs within
the corporation, provided that while they are being RAPEd, they request a review
of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of
the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may also apply for a trial review,
called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Program policy dictates employees may be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but may
get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.

The Management

-= office and work humor =-= 84 =---------------------------------------------

Keywords: Bureaucracy

Memorandum

From: Headquarters - New York
To: General Managers

Next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an
event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them
arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the
occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and
assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.

Memorandum

From: General Manager
To: Managers

By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet
will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and
report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a
phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.

Memorandum

From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs

By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's
Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the
Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only
every 75 years.

Memorandum

From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs

Next Thursday at 10:30, the Executive Vice President will appear in the
auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it
rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out
to our phenomenal Company lawn.

Memorandum

From: Section Chief
To: All EA's

When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75
year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all
employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.

-= office and work humor =-= 85 =---------------------------------------------

Commuting for the beginner.

In this hurly-burly world of Inter-City travel, there are few things that
warm a worker's heart more than the prospect of commuting. It is a safe bet to
place that at some time during your working lives, you will all have to commute
(in fact, the mathematicians amongst you will have been doing this already for
some time).
Commuting in its very simplest essence is a journey from home to work, and
back again. This simple description, however, does not convey the full joy that
can be had from commuting. A typical enjoyable commuting day (and it can take a
whole day just to commute) may begin as follows:

6.30am Wake up. Actually, this is totally wrong, because at that time, you're
not capable of waking up. What a pity somebody didn't tell your alarm clock
this! All that you are physically capable of doing is hitting the snooze button.

7.05am This is the time when you typically find that it wasn't the snooze
button that you hit, but that tiny little switch that turns the alarm mechanism
off. Well, I say this is the time that you find it, but in fact it's just the
time that your alarm clock tells you. What you find out when you switch the
radio on, is that there was a power cut for half an hour, and the time is now

7.30am The time in the morning when the bed-clothes ricochet off one wall of
the room, and lie crumpled in a heap daring you to waste enough time to make the
bed before you go out. Also the time when you discover you don't have enough
co-ordination to open your bedroom door, nor can you remember whether said door
pushes or pulls. Immediately you work this out, it is

7.40am Having spent ten minutes trying to wrestle the door back onto its
hinges, you achieve terminal velocity trying to come to terms with stairs. Quite
probably you would have broken your neck, if the ground hadn't broken your fall.
You lie dazed and stunned outside the shower, next to the toilet. It is at this
time that you make the first decision of your working day - which to enter
first. You know that should you enter the shower first, you will spend most of
your time knotting your legs as the running water cascades off your body,
already full of liquid from the night before. So, you choose the loo. Again,
this is a bad move, as you discover when it's

7.45am You enter the shower, set it to the required temperature. Immediately
you turn the water on, scalding hot needles pierce the thin fabric of your skin.
Obviously you have set the shower too hot. It is now time to play the
thermodynamic equilibrium game. Can you balance the hot/cold settings of the
shower, playing against the combined enemies of the cistern refilling, the
dishwasher hot-rinsing, and the kettle being filled? Bear in mind also that the
water takes some eight to ten seconds to register the changes you have made at
the taps. It is like trying to juggle three red hot pokers with both hands tied
behind your back, and your jaws wired together. Finally, after your refreshing
shower, it's

7.55am and time for that most invigorating of activities - the early morning
shave. Firstly, don't give in to that temptation to shave your tongue - it may
feel as though it's covered in more dense fur than the whole of David Bellamy,
but just wait till you clean your teeth! (when it'll feel as though your tongue
is a cross between King Kong and a Wrigley's chewing gum factory). Having
decided that it's the external part of the face you're going to shave, you
choose your weapon. Five minutes later, staggering from loss of blood, a female
voice comes through the door asking if it was alright to use your last razor the
previous night. And finally, the after-shave. Breathe in, grit your teeth, and
throw a quarter of the bottle in the vague direction of your chin. Done? Good,
now let go of the light fitting, and exit the bathroom.

8.10am And you finally realize that you're going to be far too late for the
train. Unless you miss breakfast. But your stomach and brain haven't got this
one sorted out yet. You try for the compromise, and it is five minutes later
that we find you sat on the bus, looking for all the world like an advert for
Kellogg's Crunchy Nuts.

8.20am Says the platform clock, although the trains seem to be disagreeing. A
voice comes over the tannoy, and the clarity amazes you - you can hear every
word the announcer says. Hear, yes - understand, no. What it sounds like he is
saying is "The train now stoning at platten fumf is for Lun Woo. Caw at Beran,
Renpa, Newman, Women, Early, Clam Jun, Vall, and Lun Walloon.", and all spoken
with clarity of a Dalek sucking a throat pastille. This announcement would be
fine and dandy if it weren't for the computerized tannoy man immediately
following this announcement. According to him, "The train now at platform one
is for London Waterloo only. We apologize for the delay which was caused by a
squirrel waving to the driver just outside Hampton Court." Even the excuses are
randomized by British Rail's computers nowadays.

As the train pulls up to the platform, it's time for the first two favourite
commuting games!

1) Is it my train?

Tricky one this - the best way of finding out is to play logic games with the
guard, along the lines of "If I asked the other guard, would he say this was the
train I don't want to get on?" However, the only blue-suited demons around are
up the other end of the track, trying to stop some old lady from feeding the
trains with breadcrumbs. Seasoned commuters at this point look around them to
see the reaction of everyone else. If you see someone moving that you think you
recognize, but can never remember being introduced to them, it's probably
because they catch the same train as you. Follow them.

2) Where will my carriage stop?

Well, that all depends on what type of train it is, how good the driver's
reactions are, whether he's passed his cycling proficiency test or not, and how
shocked he was by the squirrel outside Hampton Court. Suffice it to say that
what stops opposite you will be one of the following three things:

a) the guard's van. The guard values his privacy and is unlikely to let you
on.
b) the first class compartment. Unless you own your own company (and
preferably British Rail at that), you can forget being allowed in here. It has
stricter entry requirements than Eton - you have to put your name down for a
seat before you're conceived, and you have to do that in person.
c) the smoking compartment. 'Nuff said.

So, it's that old favourite, running up the track to find the only
non-smoking compartment with a seat in it, only to find that it's covered in
some clean, bright, new chewing gum. It is at this point that fun enters into
the entire proceedings, as we play the third game.

3) Stare 'em out.

This game has its roots in primitive psychology, and is designed to put you
completely at ease, while the rest of the compartment decide that you're some
kind of dangerous lunatic.
Choose a person at random - preferably a very attractive member of the
opposite sex, as it makes what you're about to do so much easier. Now stare at
them. After a very short while indeed, you will find them trying to sneak
surreptitious glances at you to check whether you're still watching them. Each
time they look up at you, smile at them as though you've just noticed that they
have a traffic cone on their head, but you're being too polite to mention it.
If you ever wanted to know what a person with acute paranoia looks like, just
keep watching.
Finally, before you know it, you're making an unscheduled stop. Sirens are
blaring, and somebody somewhere is frantically thumping on a door. This doesn't
mean anyone wants to get out - these are the guys with the stretcher who want to
get in. Unfortunately, the man with the heart-attack is in first-class, who
aren't going to let the ambulance men in until they can be taught to say please
properly.
Eventually, you arrive at Lun Walloon, and you start to play the fourth game,
commonly known as

4) Running the gauntlet.

As you exit the platform, various people in different costumes walk straight
towards you. The less well equipped are simply holding their hands out and
asking for the price of a cup of meths. Those who have been in this game for
several years are wearing a 'Save the Atlantic Anteater from the Ozone Hole and
Melanoma Campaign' sweatshirt, are large enough that the print on the sweatshirt
is readable, and shake their dreaded receptacles in your face. Reluctantly you
realize that you are cornered, and you reach for your money. Along with your
handkerchief, you pull out half the Brazilian national debt, which seems to fall
straight for the open mouth of the plastic anteater the woman is carrying, and
you have lost a large proportion of your overdraft.
Finally feeling that you have done some good for the other oppressed animals
of the world, you pass down into the bowels of the earth, ready for the magical
mystery tour of some of London's oldest sewers - the Underground.
The new ticket barriers are wonderful devices, designed to take a piece of
card imprinted with a magnetic strip, and to shred it into a million and one
brightly coloured little pieces, while shrieking violently and persuading you to
seek assistance. You persuade the blue-suited goon that the confetti floating
down the escalators cost you two hundred pounds, and would normally accompany
the photograph that makes you out to be some kind of alien road accident.
At last you hit the down escalator. It is at this point that the full horror
of what you drank the previous night hits you - you realize what Maurits Escher
felt when he etched those woodcuts of stairs in all feasible directions. Your
mind tells you that you're standing upright, and travelling downwards, but the
liquid still sloshing around the inside of your head convinces you that you are
lying backwards (despite gravity to the contrary), and that the escalator is
travelling at right angles to reality. Just before you fall over, the escalator
reaches the bottom, and the grills that prevent you from rolling back round with
the steps lacerate the toe of each shoe.
Once again we play the merry little game of "Where are the doors going to
stop", only on a much smaller scale, since there are no guards, no first-class,
and no smoking. This should make the tube a more hospitable place, but instead
you have to try and find the only compartment without a seven foot-tall
psychedelic gorilla with a walkman at full volume.
Finally seated, the doors close, and another crystal clear announcement rings
through the train. "Due to industrial action by the man that spreads the
fag-ends around the station, this train will not be stopping at your station.
Repeat, this train will not be stopping at your station. Thank you." Thank you
for what, that's what I'd like to know. The train pulls out, and as you
approach your station the train begins to slow down. This is of little surprise
to you, since it is you and a select band of people who also want to get off
here that have hijacked the train.
Your ticket is inspected, the lifts don't work, and you have to climb one
hundred and seventeen dangerously narrow steps, and the one thought that keeps
you going is this:
"Only another eight hours till I have to go the other way."
[The author is a computer programmer who spends much of his 'working' day
commuting between Surbiton and the Elephant and Castle district of London. Of
the many sights along his route are:
Beran - Berrylands
Renpa - Raynes Park
Newman - New Malden
Women - Wimbledon
Early - Earlsfield
Clam Jun - Clapham Junction
Vall - Vauxhall
Lun Walloon - London Waterloo

This educational article has been brought to you by Culpability Jones -
a.k.a. Gombo]

-= office and work humor =-= 86 =---------------------------------------------

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the
foreman fire you?"
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around
and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started
thinking I was the foreman."

-= office and work humor =-= 87 =---------------------------------------------

A new employee was habitually late. Finally, the foreman called him in.
"Don't you know what time we go to work here?" he shouted.
"No, sir," was the reply, "I haven't been able to figure it out yet, because
the rest of you are already here."

-= office and work humor =-= 88 =---------------------------------------------

From Dave Barry:

To succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know
what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask around among your
coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my
job?"
If they answer "long range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are free to
lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most other jobs,
however, will involve some work.
There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:

1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and
2. Going to meetings.

Your ultimate career strategy will be to get to a job involving primarily #2,
going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that's where the prestige is.
It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are
never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands
of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to
attend meetings.
The first meeting ever held was in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, the job
of humans was to slay prey, bring it home, and figure out how to cook it. The
problem was humans were slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur
and could run like an antelope; in fact, it was an antelope, only back then
nobody knew this.
At last, someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some Brainstorming,
we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!" It went extremely well,
plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the
next day, and the next.
But it was pointed out that, prey-wise, the humans had not produced anything,
and the race was pretty much starving. This was a serious point so the humans
put it right near the top of their Agenda! At which point, some of the people
in the meeting, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants. Thus
was born modern agriculture. It could never have happened without meetings.
The modern business meeting, however, might be better compared with a
funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing
uncomfortable clothing and would rather be elsewhere. The major difference is
that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is ever really buried
in a meeting.
An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting later
on. If you have ever seen the movie "Night of the Living Dead" you have a rough
idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everybody
thought were killed rising constantly from their graves to stagger back into
meetings to eat the brains of the living.

There are two major kinds of meetings:

1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is
observed, namely tradition. For example, a lot of managerial meetings fall into
this category. You'll get used to this kind of meeting. You'd better, because
this kind accounts for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote
down numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of meeting
operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery school, with everybody getting
to say something, the difference being that in nursery school kids actually have
something new to say. When it's your turn, you should say you're still working
on whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem dumb, since
_obviously_ you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on, and
even if you weren't, you'd claim you were, but this is the traditional thing for
everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting
would just say, "Everybody who is still working on what he or she is supposed to
be working on raise your hand!" You'd be out of there in five minutes, even
allowing time for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is,
it's how they do it in Japan.

2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because
what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes, the purpose is harmless,
like somebody wants to show slides of pie charts and give everybody a copy of a
big fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have
elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away,
unless of course you're a vice president, in which case you write the name of a
subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed by a question mark, like
this: "Pat?" Then you send it to Pat and forget all about it (although it will
plague Pat throughout the following weeks and months).

But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your "input" on
something. This is serious, because what it means is they want to make sure that
in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the
blame. So you have to somehow escape from the meeting before they get around to
asking you anything. One way is to set fire to your shoes.
Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you
have a phone call from somebody very important, such as the president of the
company, or the pope. It should be either one or the other. It would sound
fishy if the accomplice said, "You have a call from the president of the
company. Or the pope."
You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At
the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an important
person such as your boss starts talking. When s/he does, assume an expression of
rapt interest, as though the secrets of life itself were being revealed. Then
draw interlocking rectangles on the legal pad. If it is an especially lengthy
meeting, you may draw more elaborate doodles and a caricature of your boss.
If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everybody else leave the room.
Then collect a group of total strangers right off the street and have them sit
around the sleeping person until s/he awakens. Then have one of them say, in a
very somber voice, "Terry, your plan is very, very risky. However, you've given
us no choice but to try it. I only hope for your sake, that you know what you're
getting yourself into." Then they should all file quietly from the room.

-= office and work humor =-= 89 =---------------------------------------------

I'm in on-line support, and I get a lot of unintentional humor out of it.
The wierdest thing that happens to me on the phone is that every rare now and
then the phone rings and I answer, "Hewlett-Packard, this is Greg Goebel."
"Hi. Can you hold?"
The first time this happened to me, I wondered if I was dreaming and hadn't
awakened.

-= office and work humor =-= 90 =---------------------------------------------

I wrote these 2 "Top 10 (tm)" lists during my last few days as a Tandem
employee. There are a few Tandem-specific references, but overall should be
easily adapted to IBM, Apple, etc.

The Players:
Jimmy - Jimmy Treybig, President
Russ - Russ Cappellino, VP, hatchet-man
Torus Net - New networking technology, "kinda like a donut"
Tandem Telecom - Small(er) division of Tandem.

Top 10 Job Opportunities For Laid Off Tandem Telecom Employees

10. Sperm/Plasma Donor - "Seed 'n' Bleed"
9. Surrogate mother - Why get f*cked over only once this quarter?
8. Drool collector for Jimmy's next speech.
7. Counting stock-options for the executives who got us all into this mess.
6. Tandem Public Relations Consultant - "Hey, at least we're not IBM!"
5. Free lance Marketing: Change "Torus Net" to "Donut Net" in order to break
into the lucrative Law Enforcement market.
4. Stay permanently unemployed as a political favor to Bob Dole.
3. Speech therapist for John Sculley ("say it! I-B-M!").
2. You can still "work in tandem" if you go to the unemployment office in
pairs!
1. Resume writing!

Top 10 Reasons Tandem Telecom Got Cut

10. Due to a misunderstanding, Jimmy thought we'd been delivering softporn to
customers.
9. So many of us have young children, Jimmy reasoned that at least we'd all
have something to eat.
8. Cappellino was "double dog dared" by the flatulent ghost of Mussolini.
7. Jimmy's supply of lithium dangerously low, had to cut costs fast!
6. Took advantage of IBM's "fire one of yours, get seven of ours free" offer.
5. Jimmy heard that McDonald's was hiring.
4. TT male employees giving Jimmy penis envy.
3. So are the female employees.
2. Was impressed by ATF's handling of Waco, but then read in Courier that
"burning employees alive expressly forbidden."
1. Corporate's just getting warmed up...

-= office and work humor =-= 91 =---------------------------------------------

At my workplace, we have two bins for recycling paper. One is called "White
paper only" and the other is called "Colored paper only". Needless to say, I
later found "Colored paper" scribbled out and "Paper of Color" written above it.

-= office and work humor =-= 92 =---------------------------------------------

A not-very-bright shorthand typist (or maybe she wanted to teach her boss a
lesson?) presented the following letter for signature:

Dear Mr. Tomlinson,
Now let me see. What shall I tell the old fool? In reply to yours of the
sixteenth, we are surprised to learn that the car which you purchased from us is
not giving perfect satisfaction. We had to sell it quickly before it fell to
bits.
As you know, we inspect all cars thoroughly before putting them up for sale.
Your vehicle was in excellent condition when it left our showrooms. That's a
nice dress. New, isn't it?
It is possible that your driver is at fault. Five miles to the gallon is
very poor mileage for a car in such good condition as yours. Five gallons to the
mile would be about right. I never noticed before you have a little dimple on
your chin. Please bring it round at your convenience and our mechanic will make
the necessary adjustments.
Yours faithfully,

Just sign it yourself.

-= office and work humor =-= 93 =---------------------------------------------

In Toronto, Canada, the Infant Feeding Action Coalition promoted breast-feeding
by distributing posters. One poster read:

Sometimes it's OK to suck up to the boss.

-= office and work humor =-= 94 =---------------------------------------------

Why are government employees like a Titan missile?
Because they don't work, and you can't fire them.

It was told to me (I'm a Federal government employee) by a former co-worker/boss
who had been employed by the USAF, as a secretary, which was where she heard it.

-= office and work humor =-= 95 =---------------------------------------------

Memorandum

All Employees:

In light of the Williamson county ruling against tax breaks to companies with
progressive policies towards homosexuals, management at DWB (Damn We're Big)
have come up with a few new policies:

o All seating in the cafeteria will be boy-girl-boy-girl. If this can not be
done, men will be required to grunt after every swallow and talk sports in a
loud boisterous manner. Women seated next to each other must giggle and
exchange coupons.

o No same sex cubemates will be allowed. If a building can not comply to such
a rule, occupants of said cube must, if male: come to blows at least weekly
over such matters as Craftsman vs Stanley tools, Inboard vs Outboard Boat
Motors, and favorite adult Tanning Salons; if female: come to blows over the
stealing of husbands/boyfriends or wardrobe accessorizing.

o (Male rule only) No male is allowed to stand next to another male during
urinal utilization. If nature demands such a situation, the adjacent males
are required to look into the next stall and say something derogatory in
reference to anatomy size.

o (Female rule only) All females are required to say something overtly
feminine in any organizational meeting. The statement must be considered
ditzy, irrelevant, and on the intelligence level of a ripened beet. For
example, during a meeting concerning I/O Planar CAD simulation, a female
employee might say, "Let's not talk about such technical things - it gives me
such a headache. Why don't we just go malling for some new pumps!"

Any violation of this rule will incur the following punishment:
Male: 10 hours of John Wayne movies or 4 home improvement instructional
sessions at Home Depot.
Female: 10 hours of forced recreation with "Malibu" Ken and Barbie dolls.

These rules are effective immediately. So let's hop to it and be hetero!

Remember: We in DWB management feel "Tab A in Slot B" is not only sound
biological policy but more importantly, it's swell for tax breaks.

- Management -

-= office and work humor =-= 96 =---------------------------------------------

Problem Solving Flowchart

_________________________
yes | Does the damn | no
---------------| thing work? |----------------
| ------------------------- V
| ________________
| yes | Did you mess |
| --------| with it? |
______________ V ----------------
| Don't mess | _______________ |
| with it! | | You dumb | |
-------------- ------- | shit !!! | | no
| V --------------- |
| no _______________ V
| ------| Does anyone | _______________
| | | know? | yes | Will you |
| | --------------- --------| catch hell? |
| V | | ---------------
| -------- | yes V |
| | Hide | | ______________ |
| | it! | ------->| You poor | | no
| -------- | bastard! | |
| | ------->-------------- |
| | | | |
| | | no V V
| | | _________________ _____________
| | | | Can you blame | | Forget |
| | ------| someone else? | | it. |
| | ----------------- -------------
| | | yes |
| | V |
| | ----------------- |
| ----------->| No | |
| | problem! |<---------------
---------------------->-----------------

-= office and work humor =-= 97 =---------------------------------------------

Here is some important business advice my Doctor gave me...

Your Guide To Safe Fax

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax
complete strangers every day.

Q. My parents said they never had fax when we were young and had to write to
each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should
be before they fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedures.

Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as I can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. I this
legal?
A. Yes!!! Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a
'professional' when their need for fax becomes too great.

Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used
to ensure safe faxing.

Q. What happens when I incorrectly use the procedure and I fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic! Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long
time. Just start over; most people don't mind if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each
one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

-= office and work humor =-= 98 =---------------------------------------------

Believe it or not, there's a group called the Better Sleep Council which has
the following statistics from a survey of 1,000 working adults:

Have You Ever Dozed Off At Work?

Men Women Overall
Yes 26% 13% 19%
No 73% 85% 79%
Don't know 1% 4% 2%
(Don't know?)

Does it matter if you sleep on the job? Of course it does, if you're an airline
pilot. But the BSC says sleeping on the job costs U.S. industry $15 to $50
billion annually.

-= office and work humor =-= 99 =---------------------------------------------

East Coast vs. West Coast Business Lingo

East Coast West Coast
---- ----- ---- -----
Absolutely not Maybe
Action item by Feb. 12 for Joe Joe's working on the problem
Bozo Subcontractor
Brawl Design review
Dictator Facilitator
Do it and do it now Can you sign up for this program
Do it right or you're fired I'm confident in you
Fuck off Trust me
Follow the spec Is there a spec?
Get out of my office Let's get a consensus on this one
He's a jerk He's not signed on to our plan
He's a subordinate He's a team player
I'll cover your ass Consider me your resource
Ignore him, he's new I'm bringing you up to speed
Local bar Offsite facility
Oh shit Thanks for bringing that to my attention
Overdesigned Robust
Punch his lights out Constructive confrontation
Shut the fuck up Thank you for your input
Shut up a minute Let me share this with you
That's totally incompetent Let me build on that point
Unemployed Consulting
Overbudget On schedule
Underbudget We haven't started yet
We finished early No translation
We're done How do you feel about that
What's wrong with you I certainly understand your feelings
Where is the spec? What is a spec?
Where's the schedule What is the game plan?
Yes Maybe
Your plan sucks Let me share my feelings on this plan

-= office and work humor =-= 100 =---------------------------------------------

My boss sent this around to all of the technical staff the other day. Since
many of the people on the internet work in software shops, this may strike a
familiar chord....

To: Technical Staff
From: [Name withheld to protect the managers]
Subject: Working Smarter
Date: Early February, 1994

In our ongoing effort to work smart, not hard, it will be easier to work smart
if we can identify those entities that make us work hard, not smart. The
following are to be avoided:

1. Working on projects with unrealistic time deadlines where the only result is
delivering something that doesn't work. If the delivery date can't be changed,
modify the scope of the project so that the deliverable is quality work that can
be extended to the full specification later.

2. Taking directions from the wrong people. Not everyone here has as their goal
to work smart. Everyone who is not a member of the technical staff is a
potential enemy as well as an ally. Since this is war we must keep our guard up
at all times.

Some guidelines may help.

Any information coming from the sales consultants is to be treated carefully.
If there is any question regarding the validity of the information confirm the
information with the technical account manager. Although the consultants are our
allies, they are easily confused. Their loyalties can be easily bought and sold.
They worship at the altar of money and power, although they don't often go to
church, watch out when they do.
A particularly nefarious group is the marketing department. Their mission is
to provide guidance and tools to the sales department. They often must predict
the future and provide demonstrations of what the future will provide. To do
this, they have to consult with oracles, soothsayers, and magicians. The sounds
coming from their work areas are often mistaken for learned discussions but are
in actuality incantations and mantras to demons and devils. The results of these
efforts often have a smoky appearance with frequent flashes of light often
mistaken for brilliance.
An individual to be avoided is the high priest of marketing, Sir James of
Schaumburg. He has personal warmth, charm, and an exceedingly high level of
energy and enthusiasm. Since this level is unnaturally high he must possess a
secret amulet or potion to give him this strength. He has a high level of
knowledge about certain technologies that we use. This makes him particularly
dangerous because he can make himself appear to be one of us. The approach he
uses to subvert our efforts starts with a simple leading question. This usually
leads to another question and another question. The pattern usually ends with a
request for some assistance on a project that he starts but doesn't finish. You
will be lulled into believing that this is a simple request and can be quickly
handled. He is able to penetrate our usual defenses of disdain and cynicism of
anything that does not come from the technical temple of truth and beauty. Some
god of marketing has given him some magical power to do this. Before you know
what has happened he has spun a web around you and you are hopelessly trapped in
a project where the specifications change constantly, due dates keep moving
toward you, and the urgency level increases with each new specification.
Since this is war, anyone caught fraternizing with the enemy will be
disciplined. The first offense will result in a reprimand at a Friday lunch.
The second offense will result in a public flogging. The third offense will
result in being sacrificed to the gods of marketing.

Remember, lets work smart, not hard.

-= office and work humor =-= 101 =---------------------------------------------

In order for the boys to not feel left out of the "Take Your Daughter To Work
Day", I suggest the following event:

Keep Your Son At Home Day

Teach your son the pleasures and values of keeping house! Invite your son, age
8 - 14, to stay at home from school April 28.

Have him assist in the housework. This provides him with more exercise than
physical education he would experience at school!

Show him the secrets to effective shopping. Take him on the grand tour of the
supermarket and the shopping mall.

Instruct him on how to cook a gourmet dinner. He will learn about good
nutrition, and he'll be well rewarded for having dinner ready when the women
come home!

And, of course, there's the soap opera break!

-= office and work humor =-= 102 =---------------------------------------------

Do prostitutes also take their daughters to work too on "Take Your Daughter To
Work Day"? Things that make you go hmmmm....

-= office and work humor =-= 103 =---------------------------------------------

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be
boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he
should be boss.
The legs argued that since they took the man wherever he wanted to go, he
should be boss.
The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digests all the
food, he should be boss.
The eyes said that without them to be on the lookout, man would be helpless,
so they should be boss.
And so it went. The hands, heart, ears, and lungs each demanded that it be
made boss.
Then the asshole applied for the job.
The other parts of the body all started laughing so hard that the asshole
became mad and closed up.
After a few days, the brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got
ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see.
They all conceded and made the asshole boss!
This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be a boss, JUST AN ASSHOLE!

-= office and work humor =-= 104 =---------------------------------------------

Spotted in a recent "New Scientist" article on 'the paperless office':

A modern U.S. Navy cruiser now requires 26 tons of manuals. This is enough to
affect the vessel's performance.

-= office and work humor =-= 105 =---------------------------------------------

A Day Off

So you want the day off.
Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week,
leaving 251 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours a day away from work, you have used up 170 days,
leaving only 81 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks,
that accounts for 23 days a year
leaving 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days,
leaving only 22 days available.
You normally spend 2 days sick per year,
this now only leaves you 20 days available.
You get 5 days public holidays a year,
so your working time is now down to 15 days a year.
We generously give you a 14 days vacation per year,
which leaves only 1 day available for work.
So if you think you are going to that day off, you out of your mind!

-= office and work humor =-= 106 =---------------------------------------------

Secretary: I would like to inform you that I have found a new position.
Boss: Fine, what are we waiting for, let's try it.

-= office and work humor =-= 107 =---------------------------------------------

The Federal Aviation Administration, in an attempt to "sensitize" employees to
sexual harassment, held a workshop where male employees were forced to walk a
gauntlet of female employees, who grabbed their private parts and made sexual
comments to them. An air traffic controller who was forced to walk complained
"I don't do these things to people so I don't feel that I need to have them done
to me." He says that the F.A.A. has ignored his complaints and he has been
blackballed by management, so he has filed suit - charging sexual harassment.

-= office and work humor =-= 108 =---------------------------------------------

Just when you think you have heard it all, from the Federal Employees News
Digest, 9/19/94

Lawsuit: FAA Sex Bias Training Went Too Far.

A male air traffic controller in Aurora Ill., is suing his agency, the
Federal Aviation Administration, on grounds that it forced him and other FAA
employees to undergo sensitivity training that became literally a little too
touchy-feely. He and other male participants in the training, which was carried
out by a contractor hired by the FAA, were forced to, among other things, run a
gauntlet of female workers who fondled the men's genitals and mocked their
sexual prowess.
Women, too, were subjected to what participants have said were deeply
disturbing and degrading training techniques, according to the Air Traffic
Controllers Association, which filed an unfair labor practice charge against the
agency soon after the workshops began in 1991. This month, that case goes before
an administrative judge in Washington D.C.
They were forced to look at photographs of penises, some of which were
tumescent, and then were instructed to use them to rate their FAA male
colleagues. They also were pressured into openly describing their first sexual
experiences and any past rapes and molestations.
Douglas P. Hartman, filed suit in the U.S. Court in Chicago, charging sexual
harassment and asking for the maximum judgement in such cases...$300,000. A few
years ago, he filed a sexual harassment complaint with the FAA after attending a
June 92 workshop, but the agency dragged it's feet and turned it's back on him,
Hartman asserts. The union is asking that the 4000 participants in more than 45
workshops be "deprogrammed" to neutralize any trauma. Several of the controllers
are so stressed out from the experience that they are no longer working.
Department of Transportation chief Federico Pina said the agency's inspector
general is investigating the allegations. In a statement last week, Pena said,
"I am deeply troubled by these allegations. If true, both FAA employees and
taxpayers have a right to be outraged. The activities in question clearly have
no place in any credible training program, and certainly not in one supported by
the federal government."

-= office and work humor =-= 109 =---------------------------------------------

Excuses for Missing A Day Of Work

From the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the "Washington Post". A contest was
held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work:

If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me
to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't
get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour
Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving
Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by
reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house
while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.
Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who
fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that
deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how
about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no,
I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw
restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her
coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day
should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is
completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I
insist on paying my fair share.

I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You want I should come in?

I can't come in because the deadline is Monday and, so far, I only have seven
different fun things to do with a barrel of snot.

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

-= office and work humor =-= 110 =---------------------------------------------

A fellow came into my office and asked if he could use my dictaphone. Of
course, I told him he'd have to use his finger like everyone else.

-= office and work humor =-= 111 =---------------------------------------------

Another Sign To Post Around The Office

Another Month Ends
All Targets Met
All Systems Working
All Customers Satisfied
All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic
All Pigs Fed and Ready To Fly

-= office and work humor =-= 112 =---------------------------------------------

Ten Things To Say Or Do To Annoying Co-workers

The next time your co-workers get on your nerves and you have just had it with
them, do what I do...

10. Tell them to alphebetize their M&Ms.
9. Tell them there is a Moron's Anonymous meeting at 5 in the middle lane of
101.
8. Leave a wet lollipop on their chair.
7. Follow them home, freak them out a little.
6. Keep telling them what a hard worker you are.
5. Ask to borrow a report and tear out a couple pages.
4. Remind them that their freckles could be cancerous.
3. Comment on their weight gain.
2. Send anonymous letters.
1. Don't flush.

-= office and work humor =-= 113 =---------------------------------------------

Milton Ross, 41, who was feuding with co-workers in St. Joseph, Mo., was fired
in July 1994 after a video camera caught him urinating directly into the office
coffee pot before co-workers arrived at work. The videotape trap was set after
people noticed that the coffee's taste in recent days had become sour.

(On a related subject, the very next day, in Lanagan, Mo., 200 miles south of
St. Joseph, four arrests were made after witnesses reported seeing men urinating
into the town's water supply. Residents were advised for more than a week to
boil their water.)

-= office and work humor =-= 114 =---------------------------------------------

Pranks To Pull On New Employees

Sending new copy shop employees for double-sided transparencies.

In the army, we sent new cooks for a can of dehydrated water. This actually
worked cause new privates are conditioned to do what you say and everything in
an army kitchen is dehydrated.

I heard that someone was sent out to get striped paint. On arriving at the
shop, he was sent back to ask if the stripes should be horizontal or vertical.

Send the new apprentice to the boilerhouse for a bucket of steam.

In the phone company, new employees are sent after sky hooks...

Tell a friend that the gas station is hiring someone to change spark plugs in
diesel engines for 8$/hour. See if he gets a job.

I am reminded of the story, held to be true, about the new employee that had
never worked with a desktop computer before. One of the office workers loaded a
small program that made sounds like water running out of a drain. He then told
this naive little thing that you needed to drain the water out of the computer
every day before beginning the daily tasks. Faithfully, every day, she ran the
program that drained the water from the computer. Weeks went by, and she was
moved to another area of the office, to a different computer, that didn't have
the drain program on it. She couldn't understand that she had been HAD and
complained that she could not do her work without being able to drain the water
from her computer. Her supervisor had the fellow who installed the previous
"water drainer" install it on her new PC. She was then able to function.

Working in electronic instrumentation, we'd get a student engineer and ask
them to help us find spurs from a source by getting a "spur sniffer." And if he
was a computer science major, we'd really lose him for awhile if he was dumb
enough to go searching all the analog data books looking for a "precision zero
volt reference." "We'd like at least 3 digit accuracy!"

Oilpatch jokes: "That's the third time this week this scaffolding plank has
broken. Run down to the welder's shed and get 5 or 6 #4 wood rods."
"Run down to the supply shed and get me 20 feet of shoreline."
From the office ranks: "Go ask Doris to bring us some coffee."

I used to work in a restaurant and we would send new employees to go mop the
walk-in freezer. Then we would send them to chip the ice off the floor.

I also work in a restaurant. We sometimes tell the newbies to fetch the
grill enlarger when there is a rush hour. When they have been looking for it
for half an hour, they learn to ask when they are not sure of what to do. Once
we told a newbie to measure all of the french fries we wasted.

I worked for a construction company one summer and, in my second week, was
sent for a new bubble for the spirit level to the stores. Knowing I was being
had, but wanting a morning off work, I went to the stores and explained the wind
up to the storekeeper. He said "wait a minute", went away and came back with a
jar about 95% full of water. He told me to take it back to my foreman and
explain that this was the only sized bubble that the stores had and that if they
needed a smaller one they would have to wait until the order came in next week.

When my mother was a nursing student in England, they had a number of
standard jokes. One that I remember went something like this:
Nurse: "Go and ask the Ward Sister if I can borrow her fallopian tubes."
(Sometimes, my mother relates, the answer would come back "Sorry, they're in
use at the moment.")

During my summers, I work for a construction company and they have a great
prank to play on a new guy. As you approach the time to lay cement, tell him to
go to a store and look for a hydraulic cement bender and tell them to charge it
to their account. It has never failed them, I know personally!

My cousin and I were in two different shops in Trade School, he in the
appliance repair and me in the heavy equipment shop. When 'newbies' got in the
way, he'd send them down to me for the "short stand", I'd send them back after a
few minutes with the message "can't find the short stand, is the long stand any
good?", and he'd promptly send them for the long stand. I'd send guys for left-
handed screwdrivers, buckets of steam, and once in a while, for a long stand.
Although I used to dish it out, I was caught when I was a Newbie, I was told to
get the chain stretcher from the welding shop, I learned VERY quickly!

Get a pair of intercoms. Stick one in an empty drive bay of the new guys'
machine. At the other end, in another room, someone talks into it with a robot
voice. Tells him it's an AI with speech synth and voice recognition. We played
this on an extremely nerdy software intern. He actually bought it at first.
Then the AI started getting abusive...

I used to work at Canadian Tire part time as a student and here's a few that
I remember:
Ask the new employee to go get: sky hooks, left-handed wrench/hammer/razor,
Agent Orange (paint colour).
Or shoot elastics at them while they are carrying boxes.
Or press the intercom button on the phone and tell them the phone is for
them. You hear the poor shmuck going "Hello? Hellooo?" over the whole store.

This is a common one in the framing business. No, not framing pictures, but
framing houses. Actually, two:
When most of the framing crew is all working together to set a particularly
big and heavy beam (it gets fairly intense, especially when you don't have a
crane), suddenly start yelling about the beam being too short and yell at the
new laborer to get the board stretcher. They usually run off as fast as they
can, search through vans and trucks while everyone is screaming for them to
hurry up, because the beam is *REALLY* getting heavy. Tell them the truth after
about 5 or 10 minutes so as to avoid them shitting their pants.
When setting trusses (those things that are up in your ceiling and make the
roof pointed), tell them to get the sky hook.

In the Navy: sending a new recruit down to the sail shop for a Boatswain's
Punch. Obedient little dweeb marches in and asks the old salt on duty for the
request item. Sailor chuckles and then wallops the recruit in the arm. You'd
be surprised how many don't get it right off and say something like "Can I have
the boatswain's punch now, pleeeez" and get nailed again!

We ask any new purchaser to find us toner for the fax machine.

"Go get me 10 feet of shoreline."
"Go get me a 9 inch raping tool."
We once had a summer technician, a young pretty one, about a year out of RPI,
in our hardware engineering lab. There was a problem with a board and one of
the engineers said that the resistors were in backwards (for the non-hardware-
techie-types, resistors don't care which way they're in). He was expecting a
laugh back, 'cuz after all she was an RPI (good engineering school) student.
About an hour later, she said she changed the resistors and the board was still
broken. I guess it's more of a story than a prank.

This is a true story. A friend of mine was undergoing his vacation training
with a major electronic firm. One day, after examining a piece of equipment to
be disassembled, his supervisor said to him, " Could you please get the Allen
key for me?" My friend promptly said yes and went about it. He came back
shortly and told his supervisor, "There is nobody by the name of Allan Kee."

My father was in the Navy for 22 years and said they had loads of fun sending
the new seamen out to find some Prop Wash (which is the air flow off the
propeller as it turns, incidentally). He'd always chuckle at some poor kid wo'd
be gone for hours sent from shop to shop to shop.

I work in a restauraunt and we got a new dishwasher to do this. We told him
that the drinking water spout had to be manually filled and got him a bucket.
He spent almost 20 minutes getting 5 gallon buckets full of water, then pouring
it straight down the drain! Haha!

"Get me a bubble for the spirit level."
"Get me some blue sparks for the generator."
And my favourite: get the new employee to "get a long stand"...send them to a
friend who tells them, "You want a long stand? I'll get one. Wait here." ...and
leave them.

This reminds me of a time when I used to work part time in a popular fast
food (restaurant?). It was customary that new employees were given a tour around
the work area and, being in the fast food industry, it was emphasised by the
guide that they had to wash their hands thoroughly before commencing a shift.
They were then taken to the sink, where they were to wash their hands. First,
the guide would show them. The walls were tiled and the guide would say, "You
press this tile and the water will come out of the tap." There was actually a
pedal on the ground that we would press by foot. It was pretty cruel, we would
change the tile that they were pressing and tell them "No, no it's this one." or
"No, you're not pressing hard enough."

When I worked at Domino's Pizza, we would send newbie's out for a "dough
repair kit". The guy making the pizzas would "accidentally" tear a hole in the
dough and would send the new guy to a neighboring store for a dough repair kit.
A couple of guys actually bought it!

I work at McDonalds's and the in-joke to play on new employees is to ask them to
plug in the bun cabinet (it has no plug). Or go ask them to water the plants in
the lobby (they are fake).

I used to be a manager for a movie theatre. One thing they used to do to new
employees all the time: When the new scrub was making the nacho trays, they were
told that they had to have exactly 47 nacho chips per tray or management would
get pissed that the yields were too low. They'd happily count out 47 chips and
arrange them, all nice and neat. :)

In high school, I used to work for a catalog showroom similar to Service
Merchandise called Dolgins. There was a position in the warehouse that basically
called for keeping the warehouse clean as well as bringing shopping carts back
in out of the parking lot. One winter evening, it started to snow and we told
this new guy that he needed to put snow tires on all of the shopping carts.
About a half hour later, we checked on him, and he had all 200 or so shopping
carts turned upside down and was in the process of taking the third wheel off of
the first one. It quit snowing soon after, so we told him that we didn't need
to do it tonight and he put the 3 wheels back on and turned the rest of the
carts back over. I don't know if he ever figured out that we were pulling his
chain.

While working in a mobile radio station with the military, we would have to
drive a steel stake into the ground and attach it to the vehicle. This would
act as a ground connection should the truck be struck by lightening. Many a
private was sent to get a 'lightening bolt' to attached the wire between the
truck and stake.
On one occasion, a private returned to say that the supply sargeant refused
to give us a lightening bolt until we returned the 'short circuits' and 'sky
hooks' which he claimed we had in our possession!

I used to work at Burger Chef as a teen in Indiana. I was training a new
employee on clean up detail (cleaning utensils, work tables, etc.) and when we
were all done with the work, she asked if there was anything else. I explained
to her that her next duty was to dig through all the trash bags from the
customer area and retrieve any of the styrofoam containers used to hold
sandwiches, that these had to be washed so we could reuse them the next day.
She got through two bags of trash before we let her in on the joke.

While driving in the truck (6 of us), I would ask the new one to grab the
"matterbabe" for me, as I couldn't reach it. After being flustered for finding
nothing, the employee would say, "What's the matterbabe?" We all replied,
"Nothing honey"

My boss was cooking some ribs and she scraped all the coagulated white grease
off. She thought it might be funny to pack it all together and scoop it with an
ice cream scoop onto dessert plates and tell the servers it was leftover lemon
sorbetto. Only a couple fell for it.

When I was in the Army, we used to send new recruits after a 'box of grid
squares' (military maps are sectioned into 1 kilometer by 1 kilometer squares
which are referred to as 'grid squares'). This was always good for a few laughs
as the recruit went from office to office trying to find who maintained the
supply of grid squares. It did backfire once however, when one of the recruits
went and got a map and cut it up into little pieces and returned it in a box.
We got our 'box of grid squares' and a lecture on not destroying government
equipment to boot.

Two other jokes for the filling station newbie were: 1) Have a co-worker call
the station and ask how much it cost to have muffler bearings replaced; 2) Tell
the newbie to replace the winter air in a car's tires.

In the Navy, we had similar types of fun with newbies. 1) Sent nub for 50
feet of chow line. 2) We'd also send them to Supply for 100 feet of green chow
line (telling them it was *very* important) whereupon the Supply clerk would say
we've only got red chow line will that do? When they came back, we'd say red is
okay, but we need 200 feet of red. The newbie would run back to the supply
clerk, who would tell them that he only had 150 feet of red but he might have
enough yellow. Would yellow do? We would tell the newbie that yellow would
work, how much did they have? The newbie would run to the supply shack who would
say we've got over 400 feet, is that enough? We would tell the newbie that we
need 600 feet because yellow chow line isn't as strong as green or even red and
we'd need to triple tie it. When the newbie would run back to the supply shack,
the clerk would say, I've only got a little more than 400 feet, that's what I
told you last time, you idiot newbie etc. etc. Usually, at this point, the
newbie either figured it out or was dead tired by the time he had finished
running all over the boat. What was funny was that in our submarine, there were
very few straight paths from the engine room to supply, so the newbie had to run
like crazy; after all, it was very important! 3) Electricians sent newbies to
Machinist's Mates for a Machinist's Punch; usually ended up in some form of
painful physical contact between MM and newbie... 4) When I was qualifying for
one of my watchstations (answering questions to show I knew what was going on),
the person I had gone to for the check-out asked me how old I was. I replied
23. He said good, that's how many look-ups I was going to have. (A look-up is
when you don't know the answer and you have to go look it up and tell the person
giving you the check-out)

-= office and work humor =-= 115 =---------------------------------------------

I once worked at a service station in Virginia where a lot of people in cars
would come in asking for directions.
Once, a customer came in asking how to get to xxxx road. My co-worker told
him to make about 30 left turns and 25 right turns; in effect, to return to the
gas station after about 5 miles of driving around town.
While feeling sorry for the guy, we sat around and chuckled thinking about
him running around town, when after about 20 minutes he comes back around the
corner, after following our directions to the letter. Naturally, being
embarrassed and thinking it being his own fault, the guy didn't stop to ask for
directions again but just went of in the same direction again.
Here's the punchline: he actually came around 2 more times.
Poor guy.

-= office and work humor =-= 116 =---------------------------------------------

From an Associated Press wire:

Postal Worker's Low-Cut Blouse Complaint Gets Him Paid Suspension

Fairfax, Va. (AP) - A U.S. Postal employee says he was suspended with pay 18
months ago and has not been allowed to return to work because he complained that
a co-worker's low-cut blouse was distracting him.
Bruce Henry said he told his supervisors, "Look, her breasts are fairly
exposed and if someone sees this, it could stay in their mind and they could
misfile mail."
He said he hoped his supervisors would tell the woman to cover her breasts.
Instead, they suspended him from his $32,500 a year job sorting mail.
Postal officials said they do not comment on personnel matters.

(The release goes on to discuss the numbers of complaints he has filed in the
past.)

-= office and work humor =-= 117 =---------------------------------------------

Keeping A High Profile In The Open Plan Office

Never write a note or memo if you can phone or visit instead; everyone wants
to talk whenever you're ready.
Don't sit down to talk. The acoustics are better the higher you are, and
remember that most people are a bit deaf so SPEAK UP LOUDER!
Try to talk with _at least_ three people between you and your listener, so
that they don't feel left out.
The very best place for a conversation is in the corridor, beside someone
else's desk. If the corridor is full, try leaning against their cupboard or
hanging over their screen.
Never warn people of your approach by knocking on their desk or cupboard.
People love surprises, especially if they're busy.
The best time to disturb someone is when they look thoughtful or are
concentrating. It's your _duty_ to give them a break now and again.
To make sure that _you_ get regular breaks, never use a "Do No Disturb" sign.
When other people use them they're only joking.
Always hold meetings around a desk. If you book a conference room everyone
will think you've got something to hide.
If the phone isn't answered after four rings, hang on. _Someone_ will answer
it eventually, and they might like a chat, too.
Never divert calls if you're leaving your desk. Your telephone could get
into bad habits.
Try to whistle, hum or tap your fingers while you work. It is a comfort to
others to know that you're still there.
If you have to design the office layout, remember to leave lots of wide-open
spaces so that we can see and hear each other right across the floor.

-= office and work humor =-= 118 =---------------------------------------------

Fun Things To Do In A Crowded Elevator

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to the others.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit,
all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's A Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough
air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act
embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to
call you Admiral.
Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you
hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got
new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn
motion sickness!"
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and
move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say, "Mmmm...tasty!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh
mouf?"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
Get everyone to jump up as the elevator goes down, especially in those super
fast speed demon elevators.

-= office and work humor =-= 119 =---------------------------------------------

Reasons To Stay At Work All Night

1) Act out your version of a company takeover.
2) Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".
3) Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office
buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4) Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5) Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the
morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did
this to such beautiful works of art".
6) Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.
7) Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will call so you can
have someone to talk to.
8) Leave prank message on the CEO's voice mail.
9) Finally, a chance to live out a dream and work naked at your desk.
10) Elevator surfing!

-= office and work humor =-= 120 =---------------------------------------------

Reasons To Leave Work Early

1) Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances.
2) Came dressed in only a towel...again.
3) Ran out of paper clips.
4) I've decided to telecommute.
5) Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House.
6) It's a long drive home to Texas.
7) One-day sale at Macy's.
8) MY BRAIN IS MELTING!
9) I think they found me out...
10) Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk.

-= office and work humor =-= 121 =---------------------------------------------

Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of
bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies,
astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount
of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my
mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the
first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to
be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to
beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the
Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

-= office and work humor =-= 122 =---------------------------------------------

Once overheard at the office water cooler: "The boss said that I would get a
raise when I earned it. He's crazy if he thinks I'm gonna wait that long."

-= office and work humor =-= 123 =---------------------------------------------

In every one of those little stucco boxes, there's some poor bastard who's never
free except when he's fast asleep and dreaming that he's got the boss down the
bottom of a well and is bunging lumps of coal at him. - George Orwell

-= office and work humor =-= 124 =---------------------------------------------

Reuters News Service - Paul Cara, a London social worker, lost his appeal to an
industrial tribunal, which upheld his employer's limits on his work attire. The
Hackney Social Services Department had allowed Cara to wear leggings, tights,
and blouses to work, but balked when he showed up in a skirt. "I feel
oppressed," Cara said of the ruling.

-= office and work humor =-= 125 =---------------------------------------------

The Perverse Guide To Getting Hired
by Alan Meiss, ame...@gn.ecn.purdue.edu

Chapter 1 - The Resume

Your resume is a crucial document that summarizes the essence of your being
to a potential employer. You must grab a personnel director's attention with
your sheer, overpowering wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the
bottom of her parakeet's cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well run
down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the appliance store,
fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton to live in.
To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written equivalent of a
banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter's orange paper, so it nearly leaps
out of the stack. Experiment with striking fonts, and use as many as possible.
Writing your name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says
"Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!" Sprinkle a bit of your most sensual
cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a good lipstick smooch mark at
the bottom. Don't forget your picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your
best 8x10 glossies from Glamor Shots on top.
Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph", it's time to polish the
contents to bring out or even invent your positive qualities. Remember, a
skilled wordsmith can transform any qualification or attribute, no matter how
trifling, into a salable skill. Let's look at some examples of putting the
best "spin" on a job seeker's skills:

"I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's."

A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short? Describe yourself as a
"Grill Coordinator", or perhaps a "Culinary Technician".

"I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend."

Ah! So you were previously employed in "Communication Services!" Describe
yourself as a "Journalism Representative."

"I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos and watching
Charlie's Angels reruns."

You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by referring to yourself as
a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist." Let them know how much time you've wisely
invested in "Popular Drama Studies."

"I worked in telemarketing."

Die you scumbag.

"I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out in a puddle of
my own urine."

I see! An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws himself into his work!

Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your resume, and be sure
to include as many of the following terms as possible:

1) Excellence (can't get enough of this one!)
2) Goal-oriented
3) Forward-thinking
4) Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
5) Striving (everyone likes a striver!)

It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.

Chapter 2 - The Interview

So now you've got that big chance to shine in person. Once again, you've got
to stand out from the crowd! First, consider your apparel carefully. Gold lame
harem pants will leave a lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie,
available in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your
professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and consider adding a
little thumb twist manuever or a good high-five. And remember, no one likes
shaking dry, chapped hands, so make sure yours are damp when you leave the
restroom. Now jump right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words.
Here's some suggestions for opening lines:

"The voices told me I'm perfect for this job."
"I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie, that pen, and a
quart of anti-freeze."
"Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear."
"Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication."
"The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays."
"I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their starship."
"I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?"
"I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109, it will be your
last!"

Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have plenty of time
to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider handcuffing yourself to the
interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear super-glue on your hand and grab them while
shouting "Wonder twin powers, activate!"
Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A gratuity is always
welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new dollar in the closing handshake
while saying "Guess Mr. Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink,
wink)" And certainly don't forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining order
has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour thereafter to remind
them of your sincerity.

-= office and work humor =-= 126 =---------------------------------------------

Reuters News Service - Paul Ebbs, 37, was bored with his job. Not enough to do,
he said. Quit and move on? Of course not; he sued his employer, the Canadian
parliament, for "wrongful hiring". He won an undisclosed settlement and has now
gone into private practice. Ebbs spent three years at the parliament as one of
the body's lawyers, "earning" Cdn$70,000 a year for three years to perform
virtually no function. Parliament did not hire anyone to replace him.

-= office and work humor =-= 127 =---------------------------------------------

From the "And You Think You Have It Bad..." Department:

From an article in the July 1994 "U.S. News and World Report", according to a
grievance by workers at a Mississippi poultry plant, the company does not permit
workers more than three bathroom breaks a week without a doctor's note, and
employees must pay 10 cents a cup for drinking water on the job.

-= office and work humor =-= 128 =---------------------------------------------

Well, science is the theology of our times, and like the old theology it's a
muddle of conflicting assertions. What gripes my gut is that is has such a
miserable vocabulary and such a pallid pack of images to offer to us, to the
humble laity, for our edification and our faith. The old priest in his black
robe gave us things that seemed to have concrete existence; you prayed to the
Mother of God and somebody had given you an image that looked just right for the
Mother of God. The new priest in his whitish lab-coat gives you nothing at all
except a constantly changing vocabulary which he, because he usually doesn't
know any Greek, can't pronounce, and you are expected to trust him implicitly
because he knows what you are too dumb to comprehend. It's the most overweening,
pompous priesthood mankind has ever endured in all its recorded history, and its
lack of symbol and metaphor and its zeal for abstraction drive mankind to a
barren land of starved imagination. - Simon Darcourt, in Robertson Davies'
"What's Bred in the Bone"

-= office and work humor =-= 129 =---------------------------------------------

In August of 1994, a San Francisco jury rejected a claim by Beatrice Shaw that
her employer had failed to accommodate her disability, as required by federal
law. Shaw suffers from what she characterized as uncontrollable body odor
exacerbated by allergies to strong deodorants and the fear of showering in the
morning.

-= office and work humor =-= 130 =---------------------------------------------

A Message To Post On Copier Machines

In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy
repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one
day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet:

The copier is out of order!
Yes, we have called the service man.
Yes, he will be in today.
No, we cannot fix it.
No, we do not know how long it will take.
No, we do not know what caused it.
No, we do not know who broke it.
Yes, we are keeping it.
No, we do not know what you are going to do now.

Thank You

-= office and work humor =-= 131 =---------------------------------------------

How To Look Busy
by Dan Zevin

Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive
position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest
purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In
the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.

Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important
telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who
has called collect from Bulgaria.

Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have
said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great
time to buy, I tell ya!"
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said,
"Yeah, this job really sucks and my boss uses that spray paint on his bald sp...
Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time
to buy, I tell ya!"

Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum
to your department supervisior.
Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail
correspondent in Namibia.

Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.

Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the
accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your electric bill.

Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual.
Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual.

Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep
thought.
Reality: You have pressed "Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait
entitled "Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"

-= office and work humor =-= 132 =---------------------------------------------

How To Succeed Without Talent

1. Study to look tremendously important.
2. Speak with great assurance. Stick to generally accepted facts.
3. Avoid arguments; if challenged, fire an irrelevant question at your
antagonist and intently polish your glasses while he tries to answer. As an
alternative, hum under your breath while examining your fingernails.
4. Contrive to mingle with important people.
5. Before talking with a man you wish to impress, ferret out his remedies or
current problems, then advocate them strongly.
6. Listen while others wrangle. Pluck out a platitude and defend it
righteously.
7. When asked a question by a subordinate, give him a "have you lost your mind"
stare until he glances down, then paraphrase the question back at him.
8. Acquire a capable stooge, but keep him in the backround.
9. In offering to perform a service, imply your complete familiarity.
10. Arrange to be the clearinghouse for all complaints; it encourages the
thought that you are in control.
11. Never acknowledge thanks for your attention; this will implant subconscious
obligation in the mind of your victim.
12. Carry yourself in the grand manner. Refer to your associates as "some of
the boys in our office." Discourage light conversation that might bridge
the gap between boss and man.
13. Walk swiftly from place to place as if engrossed in affairs of great moment.
Keep your office door closed. Interview by appointment only and give orders
by memoranda. Remember, you are a big shot and you don't give a damn who
knows it.

-= office and work humor =-= 133 =---------------------------------------------

Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
by Joe Mullich, AmericanWay Magazine, 11/15/94

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The
letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and
your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and
continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any
letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because
there isn't one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send
your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking
with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes
answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently,
nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking
how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase
"digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not
surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social
security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we
all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions
that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that
are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you
return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster
than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your
mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town
hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't
because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in
advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking
up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you
start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the
product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-
and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they
are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you
compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to
say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of
feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions
about which is better, the track ball or the track *pad*.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology
has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under
a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around
to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you
have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

32. You don't even read magazine articles anymore, unless someone's keyed them
into e-mail and forwarded it to you.

33. You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software.

34. You pack the laptop computer first for any trip.

35. While you're away from home, the first three numbers you call are your
voicenet, a bulletin board, and one of your e-mail accounts.

36. You are reading this from a screen.

================================================================================
== BUSINESS HUMOR ==============================================================
-= business humor =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------

A prominent Wall Street tycoon, Carmine Intervocalic, wants to hire an MIT
C.S. graduate student to program the ultimate financial advisor expert system.
It turns out that MIT is too expensive, so instead Carmine gets an undergraduate
in applied math from the University of California at Hollywood. After months of
programming and millions of dollars of research, the programming is finally
done, and Carmine proudly calls up his new toy. Instantly on the screen:

-> Bank Street Advisor: Ready. Enter command.

Carmine (who learned his programming from TV movie spy thrillers) types in:

-> Request: Bank Street Advisor, compute the secret to success on stock market.

The reply is instantaneous. Crackling on the neon green of the screen is one
ominous flashing word: 'working'. Carmine is nervous. He paces around.
Nothing's happening. Waits more. Hum. Nothing's happening. Waits still more;
nothing. To take his mind off of the wait, Carmine does some business work:
Evicting widows and orphans, and so forth. Well, to make a long story short
(too late already), days pass and, still, all that's on the screen is "working."
The program's sucking in data at a hideous rate, but still no answer. Carmine's
frazzled, and his stocks are plummeting; he's forced to sell! sell! sell!
Carmine is almost broke when finally the answer comes up:

-> Bank Street Writer: Answer computed. Hit space bar.
-> Buy Low. Sell high.

Carmine's not amused (probably neither are you). In desperation, he types in:

-> Request: Bank Street Advisor, I need financial advice. What is the best
financial advice you can give me? How can i stop wasting money?

The answer's fast:

-> Sell the computer.

Carmine is plucking out his hair in frenzy. But he realizes that all he has to
do is phrase his requests correctly.

-> Request: How can I predict which stocks will go up in value?

Curiously, the answer doesn't take long:

-> Make predictions while floating submerged in fizzy apple juice.

Carmine tries it, and it works. "It works?" his advisors ask. "Yeah, it works.
What, haven't you heard of in-cider trading?"

-= business humor =-= 2 =----------------------------------------------------

Courtesy of the N. Y. Times, heard on Bob Rosefsky's "Money Talks" spot on
KABC radio:
Sylvester Stallone will begin shooting a new movie next week, which will
outdo anything he's ever done in mayhem and violence. It's called "Rambo Gets a
Margin Call".
The latest merger rumor has Shearson Lehman teaming up with Payne Webber.
They will call the new firm Sheer Pain.
E. F. Hutton has come out with a new portfolio idea for the small investor.
It's 50% in cash and 50% in canned goods.

-= business humor =-= 3 =----------------------------------------------------

Yet more from the Program Trader Nelson article (WSJ, Oct 13, pg 39):
One time, a broker typed in the wrong password (on the Bankers Trust
computer), which happened to be another broker's password. "So they both had
this same list of securities. I get a call from a broker saying, 'I'm trying to
buy XYZ and it keeps getting bid up out there.' We couldn't figure it out. Then
it suddenly dawned on us that (two different brokers) were working the same
list." Both brokers were getting the same list of stocks to buy and sell, and
were bidding against each other.

-= business humor =-= 4 =----------------------------------------------------

CEO document contents:

Document Reference: IPA/IN/666 Issue: Draft 42 Date: 15/04/83 No of Pages 4.
Author(s): Kurt Jenner Status: Definitive

Summary:
This IN describes the "API Contracept Strategy" which is the exact Converse of
the "IPA Intercept Strategy." Various contracept methods are described, and it
is concluded that an "Exocept" (Counter Contracept) Strategy may be based on a
recognition of these.

1. Introduction

The IPA Intercept Strategy has been widely publicized. It also appears that many
other organizations are taking a similar approach to OSI Standardization.
However, it has been discovered that some organizations are also practising the
converse of this: the API (Active Prevention of Inter-working) Contracept
Strategy. This little known strategy is operated secretly but most effectively,
and the purpose of this IN is to bring some of its method out into the open
where they can be recognized for what they are.

2. The Conception

The development of International Standards can be likened to the events of
conception, pregnancy and birth. At the outset, the decision to produce a
standard is made. There then follows frantic activity during which many
organizations compete to develop the standard. An International Standard can
usually trace many ancestors in its genes. Eventually the standard is born and
is given a name, which is generally quite prosaic but interestingly is always
called after the mother. The gestation period of an International Standard
depends on its mother and may be up to 5 years.

Many organizations develop their own standards, but the chief International ones
are ISO, CCITT, ECMA and ANSI. The prime focus for OSI Standardization, ISO
(Internecine Strife Organization), sees the effect of both Intercept and
Contracept Strategies; it is not accidental that "ISO" is "OSI" backwards. One
body that is very effective in getting its own way is CCITT (Comit'e pour
Conformance aux Ide'es T'el'ephiniques Totale). However, ECMA (Effective
Contracept Methods Association), provides an excellent counter to CCITT
activities. ANSI (American Nexus for Sub-committees In-fighting) finds itself
in the middle of opposing CCITT-like and ECMA-like views.

3. Methods

3.1 Sterilisation

The intention here is to prevent rival organizations from producing any useful
ideas. As a rule this only delays rather than prevents effective output, but
time is of the essence in Standardization work. Sterilisation methods require
attendance at rival organization meetings. Some techniques used are:

- bogging down the meeting by discussing trivia and causing diversions onto
irrelevant topics.

- introducing contributions from other organizations and insisting that they be
evaluated for consistency with the work of the organization itself.

- sending enough people to the meeting to ensure that promising ideas are voted
down.

3.2 Abstinence

This method aims to ensure the involuntary absence of rival organizations from
important meetings. This is generally not a reliable method, but is practised
because of its unsettling side-effects. Its techniques include:

- holding meetings in inconvenient places (e.g. on the other side of the world)

- choosing meeting times to clash with those of rival organizations.

3.3 Rhythm Method

This method is widely practised, but is not effective for contracept purposes on
its own. The essence of it is that regular attendance (hence the name) is made
at the meetings of rival organizations. The result is insinuation into the
organization so that its members forget that the insinuator is an outsider. The
ultimate success of the Rhythm Method is being appointed as Secretary (which is
a good position to be in if facts or views have to be distorted) or even as
Chairman.

3.4 Withdrawal

This is a very risky contracept tactic and requires considerable courage. The
principle is to withdraw totally from a discussion which is leading to contrary
ideas. If done properly, it not only undermines the confidence of the others in
the idea being debated, but also gives the "agent-provocateur" a chance to sow
the seeds of dissension elsewhere in other sub-groups.

3.5 The Sheath

The SHEATH (System for Harassment of Enemies and Tying their Hands) is
reasonably reliable if used properly. When attempts to prevent a rival
organization from developing and bringing its own ideas to a meeting have been
unsuccessful, then various methods of frustrating effective delivery of these
ideas are available:

- ensuring that the rival organization does not get a fair hearing (it helps to
be Chairman of the meeting!)

- splitting the meeting into more sub-groups than there are members attending
from the rival organizations so that their contributions are dissipated.

3.6 The Cap

As a fall-back position it is possible to use the CAP (Competitor Annihilation
Programme), although it must be applied only after the situation has been
carefully sized up. The intention is to ensure that competitive ideas, although
properly presented, fall on deaf ears. To arrange this takes real skill, but
some ploys are:

- lobbying people before the meeting to make sure that their minds are already
made up

- diminishing the status of contributions by contriving that they are given as
individual rather than organization positions

- arranging for rival contributions to be made just after lunch or as late as
possible (once again, being Chairman helps!)

3.7 The IUD

IUD (Insidious Undermining of Discussion) methods come into play when, despite
all endeavors described above, a rival idea has taken root. The best option in
this case is to cause so much confusion that the idea is swamped and forgotten.
The techniques of Sterilisation (section 3.1) are relevant here although in a
different context, but some specialized IUD tactics are:

- querying definitions and terminology with a view to ensuring that everyone
doubts that he understands what anyone is talking about

- quibbling over editorial niceties and getting the original ideas lost in a
discussion of their form not their content.

3.8 The Pill

The PILL (Permanent Interference with Likely Leaders) is the summation of all
the contracept methods described in previous sections. It is very demanding to
sustain this, but more importantly not to get caught doing it. However, as the
very lack of recognition of contracept techniques demonstrates, the PILL can be
employed effectively and indetectably over a long period of time.

One particular development of the PILL demands description. This is the
Morning-After PILL, which is administered after the event if all else has
failed. No reliable method has been found of frustrating an idea once it has
been accepted, but research into this possibility is continuing.

4. The Contracept Strategy

The Contracept Strategy may be applied at three levels. First of all, it may be
used against competitive developments' at an early stage. Secondly, it may be
used to make others aware of the problem and help defeat it. Finally, it may be
used to make sure that rival ideas are not brought to fruition. This culminates
in a triple contracept. It is analogous to deciding which horse should lose,
backing against it and nobbling it.

5. Conclusion

This document has aired some of the methods of the Contracept Strategy. By
doing so, it is hoped that it has brought this subterfuge to light and may form
the basis of an Exocept (counter-contracept) Strategy.

-= business humor =-= 5 =----------------------------------------------------

The Accident

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information
pertaining to my insurance claim. In block number 3 of the accident report
form, I put "Trying to get the job done" as the cause of my accident. You said
in your letter that you would like to have me explain more fully, and I trust
the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone
on the roof of a new 6 story building. When I completed my work, I discovered
that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry them down by
hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately
was attached to the side of the building at the 6th floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then, I went back to the ground and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of
bricks. You will note in block number 7 of the accident report form that my own
weight is 135 pounds.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off my feet so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded
at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the 3rd
floor, I met the barrel coming down. This will explain the fractured skull and
broken collar bone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles into the pulley. Fortunately, by
this time, I had recovered my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to
the rope in spite of the extreme pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the
barrel now weighed about 50 pounds. I again refer you to my weight in block
number 7. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent back down the side of
the building.
In the vicinity of the 3rd floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts
for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body. The
encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell
onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only 3 vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks, in pain,
unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 6 stories above me, I again lost
my presence of mind, and let go of the rope...

-= business humor =-= 6 =----------------------------------------------------

The Accident (another version)

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block
number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of
my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I
trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work,
I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought
up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-
needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a
small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole
at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded
the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of
tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I
weigh only 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded
at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of
the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured
skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately,
by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the
rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the
barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in
block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of
the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower
body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when
I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were
cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain,
unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost
my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.

-= business humor =-= 7 =----------------------------------------------------

(From "Best of Business" magazine, Winter 1989)
Profits earned by Coca-Cola in Japan in 1987: $350 million
Profits earned by Coca-Cola in the United States in 1987: $324 million

-= business humor =-= 8 =----------------------------------------------------

They have a philosophy course that prepares you for the Post Office. It's
called "I Think, Therefore I Am Overqualified." - comedienne Judy Tenuta

-= business humor =-= 9 =----------------------------------------------------

Fortune Magazine reported that some employees of Merrill Lynch's New York office
were so incensed at its mailroom service a few years ago that they sent
interoffice mail via Federal Express. "Memos were whisked from floor to floor
via Memphis."

-= business humor =-= 10 =----------------------------------------------------

Light Bulb

International Business Machines Corporation
Documentation #XQ37569214

The Obfuscation Elimination Facility for The Replacement of the Multitasking
Incandescent Illuminating Radiation Source Driven by Electromotive Force.

-= business humor =-= 11 =----------------------------------------------------

Lawyers in Japan

Copied from the Sunday Daily Breeze -

Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's
well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful
engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.

What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased
unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically
debilitating - and permanent.

Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to
practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!

The decline has begun.

Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of
one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan,
there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.

But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in
Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six
British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.

If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American
attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our
costliest surplus commodity?

-= business humor =-= 12 =----------------------------------------------------

Government studies show that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of
the working population.

-= business humor =-= 13 =----------------------------------------------------

A Grim Fairy Tale - Corporate Boat Race

Once upon a time, an American automobile company and a Japanese auto company
decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams
practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they
were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their moral
sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat
had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was
set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective
action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing
and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8
people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a
consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that
"too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the
Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering
Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new
performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work
harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and
enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of
the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted
development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting
firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

-= business humor =-= 14 =----------------------------------------------------

An automobile company is planning to build a new model made from all its
previous engineering errors. The new model will be called Total Recall.

-= business humor =-= 15 =----------------------------------------------------

Dead Broker

A man, who barely made it through the Black Monday crash, called E.F. Hutton
the next day and asked, "May I speak to Mr. Spenser, my broker, please?"
The operator replied, "I'm sorry. Mr Spenser is deceased. Can anyone else
help you?" The man said no and hung up.
Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his broker. The
operator said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has
died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.
Fifteen minutes later he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The
operator was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is
dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead?"
The man replied, "I just like hearing it."

-= business humor =-= 16 =----------------------------------------------------

A speaker was getting tired of being interrupted. He grabbed the microphone
and said loudly, "We seem to have a great many fools here tonight. Would it be
advisable to hear one at a time?"
Someone in the back of the room said, "Yes. Get on with the speech."

-= business humor =-= 17 =----------------------------------------------------

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married
eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a
virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after eight marriages, he
thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He
asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.
Her comments were as follows,
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage
telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything
was diagnostically 'okay', but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those
who can...do; whose who can't...teach.'
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had
the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic
process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were
that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was
up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it."
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of
Marketing."
The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product,
I'm just not sure how to position it!"

-= business humor =-= 18 =----------------------------------------------------

CEO problems

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with
three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't
think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a
downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he
remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first
envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the
feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall
Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon
behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales,
combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous
experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read,
"Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on
difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the
third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

-= business humor =-= 19 =----------------------------------------------------

Four Reasons For Reorganizations

1) Realign the company with the bottom line.
2) Swing back and forth between decentralized and centralized.
3) Disguise the head count reduction.
4) Protect the inept.

-= business humor =-= 20 =----------------------------------------------------

How To Get Better Service On Your Machine

1. Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an
opinion as to what is wrong; allow each person the chance to correct the
problem. Whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be
turned.

2. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major
emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best, but anytime
after 4PM is okay.

3. Alert all personnel so that each can give their version of what is wrong.
Suggestions of how to fix the machine will be welcomed by the serviceman.

4. Hide the service history log that is found inside the machine. Make several
references to the man who was here for the same problem last week.

5. Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly technical
questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem.

6. The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear
that he was to arrive two days ago. Before he can answer, ask him when the
machine will be back in service.

7. The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of oil and
pencil sharpener shavings work well. If the machine has electrical
components, add staples and paper clips.

8. Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen the
machine before is preferred. Bad breath is a big plus.

9. Ask again when the machine will be ready for use.

10. Be sure that the lights are off in the room where the machine is to be
repaired. A good serviceman can fix them blindfolded.

11. Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the serviceman is looking at a
schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he is doing.

12. When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Tell him
that the job should be swell, it took long enough.

13. Try to talk the serviceman down on the bill. Those big companies make too
much money anyway.

14. After the serviceman has gone, call his supervisor and tell him the machine
is now worse than it was before. Follow up with a letter and send a copy to
the company's home office.

15. Follow the above rules on every service call, no matter how small the
problem is.

-= business humor =-= 21 =----------------------------------------------------

HP and Motorola decided to have a boat race, on the Thames, following the
famous Oxford vs Cambridge course. Both teams practiced hard, and came the big
day, they were as ready as they could be. HP won by a mile.
Afterwards, the Motorola team were very downhearted, and a decision was made
that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a working party was
set up to investigate and report.
Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems Engineering,
Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service, the whole lot, and after three
months they came up with the answer, and the working party co-ordinator gave his
summary presentation.
"The problem was", he said, "that HP had 8 people rowing and 1 steering,
whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8 steering."
The working party was then asked to go away and come up with a plan to
prevent a recurrence the following year, for Motorola's pride had been damaged,
and another defeat was not wanted.
Two months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and the
coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary:
"The guy rowing has got to work harder"

-= business humor =-= 22 =----------------------------------------------------

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag
onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in
the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?" she sighed.
"No more," the man said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner
can buy the ticket!"

-= business humor =-= 23 =----------------------------------------------------

From the San Jose Mercury News 2/2/92

Britain has just announced that makers of electrical appliances in that
country must begin attaching plugs to the ends of electrical cords. Britons,
for we don't know how long, have been required to buy plugs and attach them to
their new toasters, irons, and electrical what-have-yous.
But now the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, citing its
research into the matter, says it was surprised to learn that "it is common
practice everywhere else in the world to sell electrical goods with a plug
attached."

-= business humor =-= 24 =----------------------------------------------------

Then there's always the proverb "A fool and his money are soon parted." What I'd
like to know is how a fool and his money got together in the first place?

-= business humor =-= 25 =----------------------------------------------------

Some Do's And Don'ts For All You International Business Travellers
(Signs Seen At Various Foreign Establishments)

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not
person to do such thing is please not to read notis. (sic)
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing
floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number
of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A. M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary: You
are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in
the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
At an Acapulco hotel: The management has personally passed the water served
here.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup
with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous,
efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we
will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets
by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the
past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our
black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and
women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for
that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this
purpose.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been
passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours
- we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your
own ass?
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own
skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop, Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
dressed as a man.
At a Bangkok dry cleaner: Drop your pants here for best results.
On a toy doll's package in Spain: Laughs while you throw up.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in
all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR,
you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in
the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave
in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still
obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here
speeching American.

-= business humor =-= 26 =----------------------------------------------------

From comedian Mark Guido:
Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had
towels from my house.

-= business humor =-= 27 =----------------------------------------------------

Travel Tips From Those Who Know

[The following is excerpted from Tales from The Hip (Winder 95, Number 2), the
Tragically Hip newsletter.]

Here are a few things we have learned over the years that might make your
travels more pleasant...

1. When in Europe remember that there is no such thing as 'Supereurodiesel' and
do not, I repeat, do not put unleaded gas into a diesel van. Especially don't do
this at 5:00 AM at the Dutch/Belgian frontier.

2. Find the flusher. European bathrooms are strange but, don't panic it's in
there somewhere.

3. Don't drink the coffee at the 'Little Big Horn' truck stop in Montana. Trust
us on this one.

4. If the front desk clerk at your hotel is behind bullet-proof plexiglas, find
another hotel.

5. Swiss border guards carry machine guns and seem well versed in their use.
Also their guard dogs can drive cars and are quick to take offence.

6. If you get on a ferry with 200 drunken Danish soccer fans, well...you asked
for it.

7. The road from Washington to Pittsburgh does not go through Philadelphia.

8. At Heathrow Airport, the shortest distance between two points is not a
straight line. There is no shortest distance between two points at Heathrow.

9. There is a direct correlation between fatigue and proximity of screaming
infants on overseas flights: the more exhausted you are, the closer the
screaming infant.

10. When you die, if you've been bad you won't go to hell. You go to Heathrow
Airport.

The Tragically Hip are a Canadian Rock band. For more information, write to
the...@hookup.net.

-= business humor =-= 28 =----------------------------------------------------

In February 1994, the Royal Bank of Scotland announced that it would begin to
issue extra check-cashing ID cards to its transvestite customers who request
them, so that they might have separate cards depicting themselves dressed as
male and female in order to "avoid embarassment or difficulties," according to a
Bank spokesman.

-= business humor =-= 29 =----------------------------------------------------

According to a November 1994 Wall Street Journal story, a traveler telephoned
the Hyatt Hotel in Dubai to ask that it send him luggage that he had absent-
mindedly left behind. The luggage had already been searched for identification
by the hotel and was found to contain Hyatt towels, Hyatt silverware, and the
Hyatt clock and bathroom scale from the man's room.

-= business humor =-= 30 =----------------------------------------------------

What is orange and sleeps five?
A Massachusetts Department of Public Works truck.

-= business humor =-= 31 =----------------------------------------------------

Heard this morning on the Dick Purtan radio show here in Detroit:

A farmer was sitting on his porch one afternoon when a State Highway Truck
pulled up along side the road in front of his property. The driver got out of
the truck, walked to the grassy area next to the road, dug a hole, then got back
into the truck. A few minutes later, a passenger in the truck got out, walked
to the hole, proceeded to fill it back in, and then returned to the truck. The
driver then moved the truck 50 feet up the road, and the process repeated
itself. This went on for the entire stretch of road in front of the farmer's
house.
The farmer, who was already a bit upset about the poor quality of the road,
couldn't believe his eyes. He stormed down to the truck, pounded on the window,
and demanded to know what was going on.
The driver replied, "We're part of a highway beautification project, but the
guy who plants the trees called in sick."

-= business humor =-= 32 =----------------------------------------------------

Pipe Specification

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic
centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length; do not use holes of
different length to the pipe.

3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (Outside
Diameter). Otherwise, the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam, or
other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe is to be of the very best quality, perfectly tubular or pipular.

6. All acid-proof pipe is to be made from acid-proof material.

7. All pipe should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied
at the job site. Note: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes.
If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a
great deal of time at the job site.

8. All pipe is to be cleaned free of any covering such as mud, tar, barnacles,
or any form of manure before putting up. Otherwise, it will make lumps under
the paint.

9. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "Long Pipe"
clearly painted on each side and end, so that the contractor fitter knows
it's a long pipe.

10. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "Long Pipe"
painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire
length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short
pipe.

11. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "Large Pipe"
painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

12. All pipe closers are to be open on one end.

13. All pipe fittings are to be made of the same stuff as the pipe.

14. No fittings are to be put on the pipe unless specified. If you do, straight
pipe becomes crooked pipe.

15. Fittings come in all sorts of sizes and shapes. Be sure to specify the
direction you are going when ordering.

16. Fittings come bolted, welded or screwed; always use screwed. They are best.

17. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite
separate from the big hole in the middle.

18. If the flanges are to be blank or blind, the big hole in the middle must be
filled with stuff.

19. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-
hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

20. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill
pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the
wrong way.

21. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not
mix the threads; otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it
is being unscrewed fron the other.

22. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring
many joints. They are generally known as washers.

23. Joints in pipes for piping water must be water-tight. Those in pipes for
compressed air, however, need only be air-tight.

24. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not
recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.

25. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: conduit,
tube, tunnel and drain. Use only genuine pipes.

26. Scottish Regiments in the Army use Army pipes in unusual ways. These are
not approved of in engineering circles.

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