Flight Safety (fwd)
P. Wezeman
The following vignette is another of my idle speculations
about how things might be in a culture that was less hopolaphobic
than our present one.
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Flight Safety
George Gracie and his wife Jenny had arrived at the Miami
airport in plenty of time for their flight to San Francisco, and,
as was their custom, had spent a leisurely half-hour reading the
papers (Miami Herald and Wall Street Journal) at the departure
lounge while waiting for boarding to begin. George couldn't understand
people who went to the airport (or the post office or the bank),
where you were guaranteed to wait, without something to read. Now
it was time to get on the Boeing 767 and they were near the head
of the line. They had flown so often that they had it down to a routine:
both wore practical but fashionable raincoats over several layers
of clothing so that they could adjust to any temperature they might
encounter. The cargo pockets on their coats held paperbacks and other
bric-a-brac so that they could get by with a single small carry-on each.
When they reached their seats they immediately rolled up their coats and
sweaters and stowed them in the bins, pre-empting the space from anyone
who might try to put something heavy enough to be dangerous over their
heads (and yes, people do occasionally place bowling balls in overhead
storage bins on aircraft).
After they were settled in, George usually continued reading his
paper, but following the last airliner crash he had resolved to pay more
attention to safety. That aviation expert on NPR's "Talk of the Nation
Science Friday" had said that knowing how to get out of the aircraft
often made the difference between life and death, and he had seemed
to know what he was talking about. Somewhat self-consciously George
got out the safety card from the seat-back pocket and noted the
distance to the two nearest emergency exits (four rows forward and
seven back) and then studied the directions for opening the exits,
trying to visualize himself operating each type.
Now the flight attendants stood up in front of each section
of seats and began their pre-flight safety demonstration, each one
going through the choreographed routine in accompaniment to the voice
of the head attendant over the P.A. system. The flight attendant for
George and Jenny's section was a cheerful looking auburn haired woman
in her mid twenties. "At this time we would like to point out some of
the safety features of the Boeing 767-300. There are two emergency
exits at the front of the passenger compartment, four over-wing exits,
and two in the rear fuselage. Please note the location of the two
exits nearest you..." George was pleased to find that most of the
material seemed familiar; apparently he had picked it up from sheer
repetition over the years.
"In case of loss of cabin pressure, emergency oxygen masks will
fall from the compartments overhead. Grasp the mask and pull it toward
you to start the flow of oxygen, then place the mask over your nose
and mouth and secure it by placing the elastic strap behind your
head. If you are traveling with a child, don your own mask first and
then assist your child."
Seat belts, flotation cushions, inflatable slides, yadda, yadda,
yadda. Then:
"In the event of an attempt to take over the aircraft, the
captain may unlock the arms lockers in the seat-back or bulkhead in
front of you." The attendant pulled open a compartment set in the wall.
"Each locker holds a Mossberg Model 500 twelve gauge pump-action
shotgun." The attendant pulled out a replica of a shotgun (the barrel
was made of translucent gray plastic and it couldn't possibly be
mistaken for a real weapon, but it seemed complete in every detail)
and held it at the ready.
"The shotgun is stored with chamber empty. To prepare it for
firing, push the fore-end forward to the limit of travel. To aim,
place the stock firmly against your shoulder, look through the rear
sight aperture, and place the glowing red front sight on the target.
To fire, pull the trigger, and then pull the fore-end fully back and
push fully forward to reload." The attendant aimed into the ceiling,
clicked the trigger and cycled the action, ejecting a translucent dummy
shell each time.
"The guns are loaded with slugs alternating with high-velocity
soft-point sabot rounds which will penetrate common body armor. If the
target does not react to your first shot, keep firing until a sabot
round comes up. Neither type of round will damage the structure or
vital systems of the aircraft, or penetrate completely a human torso.
"The captain will only unlock the arms lockers in the gravest
extreme. In this case, act according to your best judgement and the
directions of the crew in defense of yourselves, your families, and your
fellow passengers, and maintain vigilance until the captain announces
that the emergency is over. This concludes the pre-flight safety
presentation; Thank you for flying with Kosciuszko Airlines."
The flight attendant reloaded the ejected shells and returned
the dummy shotgun to its compartment. Rather dumbfounded but not
wanting to appear ignorant, George turned to his wife and whispered,
"Jenny, I realize that I'm not always the most observant guy in the
world, but when did the airline start using sabot loads?"
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The preceding is the property of Ballistically Correct
Productions, all rights reserved.
Peter Wezeman, anti-social Darwinist
"Carpe Cyprinidae"
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