The SPORK!
Jason Stitt
something MISSING from AD&D. It may be explained away as "unrealism"
or "imbalance," but I know what the REAL problem is: THE LACK OF
SPORKS !!!!
Yes, that's right, all that is needed to make AD&D a COMPLETE system
is a SPORK! So, without further ado, here it is:
Spork
Weight: *
Cost: 2 gp
Size: S
Type: P/S (piercing/scooping)
Speed Factor: 1
Attacks: 3/rd
Damage
S-M: 1d2
L: 1
And there you have it folks, the SPORK! Now what sort of magical
sporks may one find you ask? Search no further:
/Spork, Flame Tongue/
This Spork is warm to the touch and radiates alteration magic. When
used to attack, it deals an additional 1 damage and may cause
flammable objects to start on fire. Its main purpose, however, is
to make anything eaten with it contain a heavy dose of magical
jualepeno pepper.
/Spork of Wounding/
A +1 weapon, this Spork can cut through even the toughest of Aunt
Matilda's steaks with ease. It also causes a wound as a /Sword of
Wounding/ which lasts for 1d4 rounds.
/Vorpal Spork/
Whenever an attack is made with this spork, the wielder may choose
Fork or Spoon. If a critical hit is made, one of the following
effects happens:
Fork: Victim is blinded, permanently
Spoon: Victim's heart is cut out, death occurs
Starting to feel better yet? No? Well then what you need is a
SPORK ARTIFACT! Yessiree, the most powerful type of spork there is:
/Spork of Spock/
This spork +2 can make called shots to the neck with no penalty. On
a successful hit, the victim takes no damage but is knocked
unconscious instantly. User gains 18 strength and 19 intelligence,
but gets a -2 penaly to charisma due to stony face and total lack
of emotion. They may not show any emotion whatsoever, and must settle
everything logically (going around brandishing a SPORK nonwithstanding)
The Spork of Spock may not be put down or let go of.
(hey, at least you can eat with it...)
There! Now the gigantic hole in AD&D is patched over, and you can play
the game the way it was MEANT to be played!
-Jason Stitt
This post is meant for humor only. Anyone who thinks it is a troll
is a complete, utter moron not fit to post on usenet.
;^)
Kendall P. Bullen
>Size: S
>Type: P/S (piercing/scooping)
ROFL! It's also a missile weapon -- at least, a good plastic spork is --
it's an F (flinging) weapon. ;-)
>/Spork of Spock/
Hehehe!
Thanks :-)
Kendall
--
Kendall P. Bullen Web: http://www.his.com/~kendall/
E-mail: kendall@-->^^^^^^^
I hate spam & UCE. Please fix my address if you must e-mail me.
But please, NEVER send me COPIES of Usenet postings.
Join Gaylaxicon 1999! http://www.lambdasf.org/gaylaxicon1999/
Mike Bruner
Jason Stitt wrote:
> Hello my freinds, many of you must by now have realized that there is
> something MISSING from AD&D. It may be explained away as "unrealism"
> or "imbalance," but I know what the REAL problem is: THE LACK OF
> SPORKS !!!!
<snip>
So, I'm sure several people here want to know, can you backstab
(backscoop?) with a spork? Can a cleric use one (at least the spoon part)?
Is it munchkin to create a fighter who uses two sporks in combat? And
finally, what will sporks be like in 3rd Edition? :)
--
Mike Bruner...@delaware.infi.net
"Yes, I am a servant of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial".
"Rehab is for quitters!"
Klaatu B. Nikto
>
> Jason Stitt wrote:
>
> > Hello my freinds, many of you must by now have realized that there is
> > something MISSING from AD&D. It may be explained away as "unrealism"
> > or "imbalance," but I know what the REAL problem is: THE LACK OF
> > SPORKS !!!!
>
> <snip>
>
> So, I'm sure several people here want to know, can you backstab
> (backscoop?) with a spork? Can a cleric use one (at least the spoon part)?
> Is it munchkin to create a fighter who uses two sporks in combat? And
> finally, what will sporks be like in 3rd Edition? :)
I'm wondering if poison on my sporks would constitute an evil act.
Klaatu
--
"Sometimes I think the surest sign that there's intelligent life on
other planets is that none of it has tried to contact us."
- Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes"
Tyler Sherkin
LMAO
ROTFLMAO
that is exactly what this stupid newsgroup needed, some humor!
All this bullshit about 3rd Ed is so tiring, this is a refreshing change.
Jason Stitt <jer...@usa.net> wrote in message
news:37C07480...@usa.net...
> Hello my freinds, many of you must by now have realized that there is
> something MISSING from AD&D. It may be explained away as "unrealism"
> or "imbalance," but I know what the REAL problem is: THE LACK OF
> SPORKS !!!!
>
> Yes, that's right, all that is needed to make AD&D a COMPLETE system
> is a SPORK! So, without further ado, here it is:
>
> Spork
>
> Weight: *
> Cost: 2 gp
>
> Size: S
> Type: P/S (piercing/scooping)
DM Drow1
>Hello my freinds, many of you must by now have realized that there is
>something MISSING from AD&D. It may be explained away as "unrealism"
>or "imbalance," but I know what the REAL problem is: THE LACK OF
>SPORKS !!!!
hahahahaha I knew something was missing. It just took someone with too much
time on thier hands and too much unused mental abilities to point this out
hehe.
SPORKS RULE!!!!!!!!
Lost Dragon
Do the sporks from Taco Bell come with a free chihuahua?
If so, would he make a good familiar?
-
==- Signed: Lost Dragon. Freeware author and hard-core CRPG Fan
==- Forever dead forgotten lie. Remembered souls, they cannot die
==- Visit the Dungeon Bane web page at http://www.lostdragon.com/
Kendall P. Bullen
>.... not to mention the:
>
>"Spork 'O Plenty" -- KFC cole slaw and mashed potatoes (w/ gravy) on
>command. There is a 1 in 20 chance that a "handi wipe" will also appear
>which, when applied, heals 1 hp.
Cheers,
Kendall (still LMAO)
Tiuz
> This post is meant for humor only.
Ha, funniest part of the post.
-The Tiuz says "You're a fucking idiot"
--
toot toot
Paul C Duggan
: >something MISSING from AD&D. It may be explained away as "unrealism"
: >or "imbalance," but I know what the REAL problem is: THE LACK OF
: >SPORKS !!!!
Actually, sporks are available in S3, Expedition to the Barrier Peaks.
Paul
--
"I am an impure thinker. I am hurt, swayed, shaken, | paul + | +
elated, disillusioned, shocked, comforted, and I | --|--
have to transmit my mental experiences lest I die." | + | +
-- Eugen Rosenstock-Huessy | pdu...@world.std.com
Sparky
Exactly the same as 2nd edition sporks, except they will come with new
artwork, convenient cost-effective new packaging, and three tines
instead of the typical four.
Sparky
--
Wherever you go, there you are.
Join in Philosophical Conversation!
http:\\www.deja.com\~philocon
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Share what you know. Learn what you don't.
Bryan J. Maloney
What about the foon?
--
BATF agent Dan Curtis defined a "cult" for the court as "a group of
people who live together differently than the rest of society."
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bjm10/
Lord Kabal
Oh yeah, what's the fork going to be like in 3E?
::snip::
>/Spork of Spock/
::SNIP::
Facinating...
--------------------------------
"Bless you bong boy!"
"DAMN YOU BONG BOY!!!"
--------------------------------
azothath
> something MISSING from AD&D. It may be explained away as "unrealism"
> or "imbalance," but I know what the REAL problem is: THE LACK OF
> SPORKS !!!!
>
> is a SPORK! So, without further ado, here it is:
>
THE ECOLOGY OF THE SPORK
by Elminister deRulez aka
The All-Powerful-yet-trying-hard-to-still-look-chummy
Many years ago - when I was still in ED1, a learned sage frind of mine
named Felonious was accounted with the creation of the first
Spork. He was engaged in tech research with a few PCs (whatever
that means) and they were experimenting with concentrated pig urine,
oils and some tar. Well - mainly to say that they were stuck in
producing expensive tar..."Elminister laughs heartily" ,"you DID think
that was funny don't you" pointing with his finger that shoots forth
multiple numbers of Magic Missles (copyright TSR/WOTC, exclusive
property of companies thereof, and not reproduceable in any manner,
name, or form whatsoever, did I mention how great Pokemon is?)*everyone
laughs greatly*, ahh, now where was I, yes - well - they finally
produced some flimsy whiteish stuff, when they pulled the skim off the
chemicals with a copper spoon. Well, when the subsance dried, they
called it Splastic (copyright TSR/WOTC, exclusive property of companies
thereof, and not reproduceable in any manner, name, or form whatsoever,
did I mention how much fun Pokemon is?). Well - they peeled the
Splastic (see note...) off the spoon, creaing a replica! They rushed
to tell their friends of the new molding compond they had discovered.
However, the mage's familiar from next door in the research facility had
another idea, a free meal as he gaurded his masters entryway from the
hall where Felonious tread. Felonious was forced engaged the familiar
with the tool at hand, the spoon of splastic, else he be nipped in the
bud! Yes - for they had lost one bud to the familiar the previous week.
To include you as to the danger they were in, the familiar was
reptilian, an alligator to be exact. As the fight flourished, fecund
Felonious fastidiously fenced a flight of furrowed fits from the
formidable familiar. Suddenly, gator snipped the salient tip of the
splastic spoon!
"Whohoa", Felonious feigned, surmising that the familiar should suddenly
swing once snagging onto something solid. Felonious twisted with the
familiar, pulling the splatic spoon swiftly from the gator's maw,
slitting the splastic to form the first Spork (copyright TSR/WOTC,
exclusive property of companies thereof, and not reproduceable in any
manner, name, or form whatsoever, did I mention Pokemon is colletable
and avilable at Target?).
Felonious without realizing it, fumbled and speared the alligator with
the spork, slaying the beast and robbing his exasperating fellow
researcher of a few permanent hit points. It was a good day for extra
experience points. Unlikely as though it sounds (do you really think
I'd just make this up for some space filling copy?!) thus did Fleonious
sponser the singular Spork to fame.
Habitat: The Spork enjoys a varied habitat, all kitchen utensils and
food service personnel are considered "friendly". The Spork can
exist in most any food, but not too hot, as it becomes too flexible and
may melt if microwaved with hot chili.
...OK - it's too silly -so I'm stopping here -
/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
can it be? Azot...@AOhell.com ! (that's aol...)
Ben Nicholls
>
>
> What about the foon?
Personally, I'm waiting for that deadliest combination of Oriental meets
Westerners culture clash, the *chopsporks*
Thrill to the sounds of rabid ninjas leaping into the depths of battle to
stir fry their enemies!!!!,
Be dazzled as the legendary fighting monks display their awsome prowess as
their CHOPSPORKS make short work of the happless gelatinous tofu cube!!!
Also comes in disposable bamboo . . . .
DM Drow1
> by Elminister deRulez aka
> The All-Powerful-yet-trying-hard-to-still-look-chummy
ROFLMFAO
Kate the Short --- Spamblocked!
Jason Stitt <jer...@usa.net> sat on the sofa and said:
>Hello my freinds, many of you must by now have realized that there is
>something MISSING from AD&D. It may be explained away as "unrealism"
>or "imbalance," but I know what the REAL problem is: THE LACK OF
>SPORKS !!!!
>
>Yes, that's right, all that is needed to make AD&D a COMPLETE system
>is a SPORK! So, without further ado, here it is:
Did you just see Mystery Men or something, that you want to wield
silverware?
kate.
former Taco Bell goddess
| Kate the Short - Patron Saint - http://www.enteract.com/~katew/ |
| Help for new users of news: http://www.enteract.com/~katew/nnq/ |
| rg.frp.dnd FAQ: http://www.enteract.com/~aardy/faq/rgfdfaq.html |
| xbooks FAQ: http://www.enteract.com/~katew/faqs/ - ICQ# 8375030 |
_____________________________________________________________________
In this shadowy world of cloak and dagger, you are plaid
pants and a tuba. -- Shinobi Shaw
Matt Devney
Now all I want to know is why am I posting this note?
MATTD
jado...@viaccess.net
Matt Devney wrote:
> WTF is a spork? Oh hang on - its a combo spoon fork isn't it. Ah...
>
It's called a "Runcible Spoon"