Some final tweaks to the "official" OMOV voting procedures.
Bruce Draney
OMOV election, some of it good, some of it bad. First we want to assure
everyone that we will handle this election the same inept way we have
handled most other matters of importance over the past 7 years, so there
is no need for any of you to butt your stupid noses into affairs that
have nothing to do with you.
This memo is meant to be the semi-final tweaking document for the
procedures we are going to use for the electoral process to insure that
as few people as possible know or understand what the hell they are
doing. Consider this memo to be Memo 27C, which supercedes most but not
necessarily all previous memos on this subject:
Scenario #1- If there is a full moon visible in the Palm Beach Gardens
night sky on May 31st, the following procedures shall be in place for
the OMOV election process. (Note that this originally stated "Miami
night sky", but it was decided that it is too dangerous to attempt to
look at the night sky in Miami on May 31st, so we decided to use the new
Chess Mecca of the U.S. Palm Beach Gardens instead.)
a) All adults over the age of 40 will be sent a ballot in their Chess
Life, but will not be sent a mailing label. They are to write out their
name, address, telephone number and Quick Chess Rating on the Official
Catalog Order form in their June Chess Life which was mailed to them on
May 15th. Failure to include the Quick Chess Rating will disqualify all
voters living east of the Mississippi River. We intend to count voters
who forget to list the Quick Chess Rating who live west of the
Mississippi, because nearly everyone west of the Mississippi River
realizes that Quick Chess Ratings are useless anyway, and seldom use
them.
b) All eligible voters under 40 will not be sent a ballot, but will
need to cut out the pictures of their three favorite Board candidates
running and paste them onto three 3x5 blue pastel index cards. They
must then send the cards in a self addressed stamped envelope to USCF
with the expression, "Mr. Watson grows a beautiful garden." scrawled on
a pink envelope. Voters who forget to write the above quote verbatim,
use the wrong color envelope or the wrong color or size of index cards
will have their votes disqualified regardless of which side of the
Mississippi River they live on. Those voters living on islands in the
Mississippi River have been officially declared non-members and will not
be permitted to vote in any case.
Scenario #2-If the full moon is not visible in the Palm Beach Gardens
night sky, this OMOV election plan will be used instead of Scenario #1.
a) All members over the age of 40 will be asked to use last year's
SOMOV Ballot and to print the names of the three candidates they are
voting for in the Delegate slots for their own particular state.
Marking outside of one's own state election box will result in a
disqualification of the ballot. Voters must then sign their ballot in
red ink, fold it diagonally, and place it in a business sized envelope.
The ballot MUST be postmarked on June 15th. No other mailing date will
be allowed. In addition, across the back seal of the envelope, the
voter must write, "Turk the Automaton has escaped from his box."
Placing this phrase anywhere else on the envelope or failing to write it
at all will result in the ballot being disqualified.
b) All members under the age of 40 will be asked to write their three
choices on a piece of college ruled notebook paper and to seal it in a
pastel blue envelope on June 13th only. Once again, use of wide ruled
notebook paper, or failing to use pastel blue envelopes will lead to the
ballot being disqualified. In addition, voters in this group must
write, "My $4.00, is on the way and should be arriving 'any day now'",
across the back envelope seal.
Please note that geographical location in relation to the Mississippi
River is irrelevant under scenario 2, although anyone stupid enough to
be living on islands in the Mississippi will not be sent a ballot under
either scenario.
We hope that these instructions are simple and clear. We are certain
that we can expect a large turnout of no more than 150, due to the
simplicity and ease of these basic instructions.
In the meantime, be assured that as soon as all of our office staff
members have finished their freelance work that they will get right on
printing these election materials so that this OMOV election will
demonstrate that USCF's electoral system has never been better.
Sincerely,
Your favorite chess federation.