ramashiva
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OK. Time to conclude the recounting of my excellent adventure attending BARGE 2012. As you know from my trip report of Day 1, I went home after I was eliminated from the tournament and crashed. I woke up about 11:30 pm, so I was fresh for Saturday's 10 am tournament.
Despite having 11 hours to prepare to return to Binions for the NL tournament, I managed to be 15 minutes late. Dr. Sheldon Deal, my nutritional, health, healing and spiritual guru, once told me that if you are late for a scheduled event, that means you don't really want to be there.
Well, duh. The BARGE assholes are some of the most pathetic and irritating people I have ever met. Of course, there are some really cool individuals also, and several of them expressed their support to me.
I knew I was going to be late, and in rushing to leave, I forgot to put on my BARGE badge and my gold chain and cross.
I arrived at about 10:15 am, about 15 minutes late. TD Paul promptly seated me, and he was very cordial with me.
I was initially seated to the right of Mike "Mick Dog" Patterson, and I thanked him for his help on Friday. I then told him that I had forgotten to wear my BARGE badge, and I asked him if he could get me replacement drink tickets. He promptly gave me his drink tickets, saying he could get replacements for himself. He told me that if anyone gave me any grief about not wearing a BARGE badge, that I should tell them to come speak to Mick Dog. As far as I am concerned, Mick Dog is a class act.
With one exception, the players at my first table were pathetically bad. The exception was a young guy who said he was a poker dealer at one of the Strip poker rooms. He was a tough, aggressive player.
Within the first two hours, the young poker dealer and I built large stacks and dominated the table. Right after I got there, Nolan Dalla sat down at my table, and hilarity ensued as Nolan and I engaged in our usual witty repartee, while the BARGE assholes sat glumly and said nothing.
Little did I know that I had another prototypical BARGE asshole seated to my immediate left.
This PBA was involved in a hand when a discussion started about whether action out of turn was binding. I stated categorically that action out of turn was generally binding, although the floorman had the discretion to rule otherwise.
The PBA in seat three immediately loudly contradicted me, saying I was flat out wrong. I replied --
Oh yeah? Well according to the latest version of the official TDA rules, I am exactly correct. I had this same discussion with Chuck Jackson on RGP, and I had to show him the latest TDA rules before he admitted I was right.
I said that if anyone thought I was wrong, I would bet $1000 that the TDA rules said exactly that. I also said I had $1000 cash on me to cover the bet, which I did, since I was planning a trip to Cheetahs right after BARGE. No one took me up on my prop bet, needless to say.
The PBA in seat 3 said I had created a needless disruption of the game.
I replied --
What the fuck are you talking about, asshole? I wasn't even talking to you. You were playing a hand, and I was talking to the guy in seat 1, to my immediate right. You started this by telling me I didn't know what I was talking about, when in fact you are the one who doesn't know what he is talking about.
The PBA in seat 3 said nothing, and he jumped up out of his chair. I thought he was going to report me to TD Paul, but instead he walked away from the table doing forced heavy breathing, presumably to calm down.
Notice I mentioned Chuck Jackson's name, and several veterans of the Las Vegas poker scene, including Nolan Dalla, were at the table. No one said anything about knowing Chuck Jackson.
I remember one interesting hand which I probably played badly. I don't remember the exact cards, but I will tell you what I remember.
I was dealt Qs9s in the small blind. The button to my immediate right in seat 1 raised an unopened pot to 3BB. I have an easy call, because Qs9s figures to be a better hand than the button steal range of most players.
I just called, and the PBA in seat 3 also called. The flop came J9X.
I checked, intending to checkraise, but the button checked behind. Turn was an A, and I probably should have bet, but I figured the button probably had AK or AQ, so I checked. So did PBA BB and the button.
River was a K, and everyone checked again.
PBA BB turned over K2 offsuit to take down the pot. Fucking idiot called a 3BB steal raise with K2 offsuit. I had the best hand on both flop and turn, and I could have won the pot with a bet.
Nolan was doing a loud, nonstop rant, and I couldn't get a word in edgewise, although I tried several times.
Nolan was talking about some incident on Friday where people were taking off their clothes and getting naked.
Finally, I got Nolan's attention and asked him --
Were they smoking Sherm cigarettes?
Everyone at the table gave me a blank stare. So I asked them --
No one at this table knows what a Sherm cigarette is? You guys have led sheltered lives.
I explained to them that Sherm was a cigarette dipped in formaldehyde, and I heard while I was incarcerated that when people smoke sherm, they immediately take off all their clothes.
The guy to my right said --
Wow. I wonder if I want to ask my teenage daughter whether she smokes Sherm.
I replied --
Your daughter would probably say "Of course not, Dad. And how do you know about Sherm anyway?"
This was one of the few times I got a laugh from anyone but Nolan at this or any other table. The BARGE assholes are humorless creeps. Although they laugh a lot when talking to each other, it is obviously phony, forced laughter.
While I was playing at my first table, Tad Perry stopped by to say hello. I had the same reaction that I did with Tom White. I jumped up and gave Tad a spontaneous bear hug and told him --
Even though I give you a lot of shit on RGP, I actually think you are a pretty cool guy. Tad told me that was what he always figured.
I really don't remember much about subsequent hands, except that I continued to run over the table until I went completely card dead for two or three hours.
When I arrived at what was to be my last table, where Pickle was sitting, I still had a decent stack. When my first table broke, I asked TD Paul to help me get to my new table, since I had both drinks and a chip rack to carry. Paul carried my chips, while I carried my drinks.
When I arrived at my new table and was arranging my drinks and chips, a young PBA seated across from me made a scornful remark about them having to wait two minutes for me to arrive. I replied --
Look, asshole. Blame it on Paul. He carried my chips over here, not me.
I was seated right next to a fat, ugly bitch who looked like a Patty Beetles clone. After a few minutes, she let a really smelly fart which almost drove me away from the table. I thought about saying --
Who cut the cheese?
But I thought better of it, and I kept my mouth shut.
I had an opportunity to observe Pickle play, and he is an absolutely horrible player. I saw him make mistake after mistake in sizing both bets and raises, both preflop and on the flop. Pickle understands nothing about sizing bets and raises.
I saw Pickle call a substantial all in early position raise with 77. That is a terrible mistake, and I commented about it a few minutes later. Pickle said nothing.
Pickle obviously doesn't understand the distinction between betting all in with a short stack, which has fold equity, and calling an early position short stack all in bet. Such a call has no fold equity.
I played one hand with Pickle. I was in late position with small suited connectors, while Pickle was in the blinds or early position with a hand which included an A. The flop was Ace, Rag, Rag.
Pickle checked, and I checked behind.
Turn was another rag. Pickle checked, and I checked behind again.
This is absolutely horrible play on Pickle's part. He gave me two free cards to beat his hand by his weak tight play of checking a pair of aces twice to induce a bluff. Who the fuck did he think he was playing against??? Pickle is transparently a weak tight player who plays ABC. In other words, he is a terrible player. I can read him like a book. Apparently he thinks a pair of Aces is strong enough to check twice to induce a bluff.
River was another Ace, and we both checked again. Pickle turned over three Aces to claim the pot. He had the best hand from flop to finish, and he never bet his hand. Pathetically weak play.
Pickle caught an incredible run of cards and built a huge stack. He was dealt five or six big pairs in one hour, more than I was dealt in the entire tournament. EVERY time, the other player had a big pair smaller than Pickle's. EVERY time, Pickle's big pair held up.
This is 100% luck and 0% skill. I am sure Pickle thinks otherwise.
I slowly became short stacked. UTG I raised all in with KhQh. Everyone folded, so I showed my hand to the beautiful dealer, Stephanie, who is from Texas and has a Southern accent. I had hustled Stephanie like mad every time she dealt to me for two days. After I turned over my hand, I said to Stephanie --
That is you and I, Stephanie. The King of Hearts and Queen of Hearts.
She laughed again, and I said --
Tell the truth, Stephanie. I am the smoothest talking man you have ever met, correct?
She confirmed that I was correct.
Two hands later, I was knocked out in the SB when I pushed with A9o after the action was folded to me, and the BB correctly called with 88. I didn't get any help, so I was eliminated in 35th place. 16 players were paid.
I walked away without saying a word. I decided I didn't want to go to the banquet, because I had had enough of being around BARGE assholes. I gave my drink tickets to a young guy at the table who had talked to me outside on a break, and he told me that he agreed with my general assessment of the BARGE assholes.
As I was leaving the tournament area, Ken Cubey introduced himself. He told me he posted on RGP as QB. He seemed very friendly.
Since Brian "The Truth" Spencer had half my action, I called to tell him I had been eliminated in 35th place. I got his voice mail, so I left a message giving the tournament results and that I would be at Cheetahs the rest of the afternoon and evening. Brian never showed at Cheetahs.
Now for the part you have all been waiting for -- my adventures at Cheetahs Saturday afternoon and evening.
I arrived at Cheetahs about 3 pm, just in time to get the last two slices of free pizza and the last four free chicken wings. I don't normally eat white flour or chicken wings, but I had eaten nothing all day, and I felt the need for a big dose of protein.
Cheetahs has free pizza and chicken wings from about 10 am until the food runs out. Cheetahs also has $10 lap dances from 7 am to 7 pm.
I sat down at the stage, as is my usual habit. None of the girls I knew were there, but a very attractive older woman named Ginny danced on stage, and I asked her to join me for a drink. I was astonished when Ginny told me she was 50. She looks 30, and she is in excellent physical condition with a very pretty face. Ginny knows all about such occult matters as astrology and Kundalini Yoga, and we had a great conversation for about an hour. I told her I would pay her $20 for two lap dances.
Just about that time, the stripper known as Coleman's hot stripper danced on stage, and I was very happy to see her, since I hadn't seen her or talked to her for about a week. She came and joined Ginny and me for a drink. I told Coleman's hot stripper that I was going to do two lap dances with Ginny, then I would be free to hang out with her. She walked away and I never saw her again the rest of the day. Someone told me she spent the rest of the day in VIP. Good for her. I love it when she makes money.
Notice I am not telling you the real or stage name of Coleman's hot stripper. I don't want one of you assholes going to Cheetahs to see what she looks like and possibly badmouthing me to this beautiful young woman.
Next up was a prototypical skinny young white girl named Beth. Beth has a very muscular body with well-defined abdominal muscles. She has long blond hair and a beautiful face. Her one annoying habit was that she laughs at everything she or anyone else says.
Beth and I got into some really vigorous dry fucking, and she seemed to enjoy herself thoroughly. All in all, Beth is very permissive in her lap dances, and a lot of fun to converse with.
Next up was an incredibly beautiful skinny young white girl named Stacie. Stacie has a winning smile and laugh, eyes that are like staring into eternity, and long sandy blond hair. Stacie and I hung out for several hours, and established a great rapport. We laughed and carried on for several hours, and we had some great simulated sex. Stacie is EXTREMELY permissive in her lap dances. She said she had several orgasms, and I have no reason to doubt that.
Next up was the stripper who hit on me early Friday morning. She was supposed to attend Brian's Bachelor Party, and she was absolutely furious with me because neither Brian nor I showed up. She told me that Scarlet was also furious with me. I first encountered my future wife while she was dancing on stage, and we talked. I could tell that she was very angry, but she said she would come talk to me when she got off stage. It was very busy, so I told her to make as much money as she could first.
My future wife didn't show up for several hours, and this incredible skinny young white girl named Salem danced on stage. Salem is very petite, maybe 5', but with a curvaceous, aerobicized body and small, pert breasts.
Salem is very pretty, but very heavily made up. She wears ruby red lipstick to accentuate her lips.
I had the best dry fucking of the night with Salem. She is VERY permissive, and we dry fucked our brains out for several hours.
Finally, I saw my future wife standing close by talking to another stripper. I walked over and asked her to come sit with me, which she did. She really laid into me about Brian and I not showing up Friday night. I explained to her what happened, but she was still furious.
She became pretty friendly and started kissing me again, but she told me that she would be angry about this for a long time, and that it would take a long time for her to forgive me.
I paid her $300 for 18 lap dances, which we enjoyed for the next two or three hours. Whereas before she was very passionate in her lap dances, kissing me, jacking me off, etc., this time she deliberately teased me, standing up and dancing out of my reach, not kissing me or letting me suck on her tits, etc.
She told me she was teasing me for being a bad boy. Eventually she relented and we had some pretty good simulated sex at the end.
During our conversations, she asked me if I wanted her to be my girl friend. I told her --
Hell, yeah. As far as I am concerned, we can get married tomorrow.
She blushed, and she told me she really liked me a lot, but she wanted to make sure I was the right man for her.
We discussed going out to dinner and going dancing in Strip nightclubs, and she told me she would love to do those things with me.
I fell asleep during one of her bathroom breaks. When she came back and woke me up, I told her I had better go home, because it was 3 am.
As I was walking out the door, I noticed Salem was dancing on stage, so I just had to stop and talk to her and put some dollar bills in her G-string. Salem is a petite girl, but she has a great body and a beautiful face. She is VERY friendly, and she is EXTREMELY permissive in her lap dances. You won't go wrong partying with Salem or any of the other girls I have mentioned. They all have the Ramashiva Seal of Approval.
Thus ends the recounting of Day 2 of Ramashiva's BARGE Trip Report. I hope you found my trip report entertaining and informative.
William "The Life" Coleman (ramashiva)