SOUP FER SURE

[Colonel Edmund J. Burke]

Spendthrift: a person who spends money in an extravagant, irresponsible
way. (cf: Dennis “I can’t stop spending my money frivolously” Johnson.)

In 2008, when his father finally kicked the bucket, Dennis Johnson was
given three-quarters of a million dollars, set up in an irrevocable
trust fund. Such trusts are also known as Spendthrift Trusts
(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spendthrift_trust). At the time, Dennis
was 50.

In addition to his principal assets, the money held in trust that is,
Dennis held about one hundred thousand dollars under his
“supervision”—what we might call his “liquid holdings.” Said assets
consisted of a Chase Bank Savings Account (what we used to called a
passbook savings account back when the banks paid interest) and an IRA
account (of unknown value). Dennis was doing “good” by continuing, up
until recent times, to make yearly contributions to the IRA.

BUT, LIKE THEY SAY……..SHIT HAPPENS.

Now, it’s no secret that Dennis has an ongoing gambling problem (he
admits this). He also admits some past problems involving certain
Korean women and massage parlors along E.C. Boulevard. Although the
Koreans are no longer a problem for him—having kicked his silly ass to
the curb several years ago—the Indians still remain something of a vexation.

“Uh, hey Chief. . . Looky there, isn’t that heap stoopid dipshit Dennis
coming to spend more IRA money again?”

“Hey, you be quiet, Laughing at Paleface. We got kids at Harvard. We
need money from stupid white trash.”


“Well, Mister Johnson, I’m afraid that’ll be a twenty-five percent
penalty,” the H&R Block guy said. “By the way, if you had waited just
one more year, there wouldn’t have been any tax consequence . . . er, sir.”

Ah shucks,” said Dennis, twitching a little more than usual.

“But, the good news is that we can write off most of your gambling
losses…. Hmm, you must be some big gambler. . . Well, there ya go. I’m
done, Mister Johnson. Here’s what ya owe the IRS, by the way. Consider
your taxes filed as of now. Just don’t forget to send ‘em that check or
they’ll charge ya interest.”


April 15, 2018

Dear Diary,
I think I saw Dennis the other day. I was waiting at the light on
Pacific Highway. I looked across the road, over at the group of
homeless “veterans” gathered around a bottle of MadDog 20/20, when I saw
him. He was a terrific sight—unshaven, filthy, with pimples all over
his face. Which might have been Kaposi's sarcoma sores. At that moment
the light turned and I drove off, thinking about the old saying “A fool
and his money….”


THE END

This article is dedicated to the memory of Dennis’ liquid assests: 2008
– 2016.
May his liquidity, and the souls of the faithful, REST IN PEACE.
AMEN.