[long] Part 1: Everything... Nobody Ever Talks About
Dave Goldman
November-December 1995
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Everything About Dancing That Nobody Ever Talks About
Part 1 of 3
by Dave Goldman
Ask a caller about "partner interactions" and they'll start talking about
allemandes and swings, eye contact and giving weight. But a lot of partner
interactions in the dance hall have little to do with dancing, and
beginning dancers seldom hear these issues discussed during dance
workshops. For that matter, some of these topics are almost never
discussed by _any_ of us.
When you fill a room with a hundred people of both genders, a wide range
of behaviors will result. Some of these behaviors will surprise a
newcomer, but seem perfectly appropriate to experienced contradancers.
Others exceed the bounds of appropriateness, but go unchallenged because
the victim is unsure of what's considered normal in this community, or
doesn't know how to react. In _rare_ cases, the perpetrator may not even
be aware of his or her error.
This series of articles borrows from some recent discussions on the
Internet, as well as from scattered conversations over the past several
years at dances, parties, and camps. Our goal is to stimulate more open
discussion of these issues within our community. _Footnotes_ welcomes your
responses ã- in our future issues we'll devote space to your letters.
[Note: for syntactical and statistical reasons, we usually refer below to
perpetrators of inappropriate behavior as "he", and their victims as
"she." We look forward to hearing your anecdotes of events where the
genders sorted out otherwise.]
Look and Feel
Something that you do hear mentioned at dance workshops is _eye contact_.
Contradancers definitely like to stare into each other's eyes, a practice
that can be unnerving for newcomers.
Some people maintain major eye contact because they've found it keeps them
from getting dizzy during swings and quick allemandes. But most of us also
enjoy looking into our partner's eyes as one part of the friendliness of
contradancing.
The next step up from being friendly is _flirting_. This behavior, too, is
an established contradance tradition. But flirting is a two-lane highway
-ã it's not appropriate for you to be racing along at sixty if your
partner has chosen to remain idling at the curb. And making your partner
uncomfortable by outright _leering_ is definitely _not_ within acceptable
bounds.
One ocular behavior that we shouldn't need to mention as inappropriateãbut
which, apparently, we mustãis staring down a woman's dress. Please
remember that the tradition here is eye-to-_eye_ contact.
Which leads directly to a topic of recent fervor in the Internet's
rec.folk-dancing discussion group, the contact of women's breasts by their
partners.
Surprisingly, there is a spectrum of behaviors even here. Not infrequently
during a swing or waltz, an inexperienced female dancer will turn away
from her partner in such a way that his right arm is forced across her
chest. Or her left arm will press down on his right, squeezing it against
the side of her breast.
On the other hand, there are some experienced male dancers who frequently
manage to force their partner into one of these positions. Women should
not dismiss these men as merely clumsy.
Then there are the totally-accidental contacts when one partner or the
other is coming out of a wild allemande or spin. These can happen very
occasionally to anyone, and are probably best handled by an appropriately
sheepish expression.
But there are a few men who seem to have a _lot_ of these accidents. This
exceeds the bounds of probability, sheepish looks or no.
Something that didn't come up on rec.folk-dancing was derriere groping.
(Well, actually one club square-dancer did describe a local trend of
butt-patting with a certain dance figure.) But looking at our tradition,
the position of the woman's right hand on a courtesy turn does seem
defensive. Which is not to say that there aren't many times when it's
appropriate for a man's hand to land on his partner's waist. Lower than
that, though, is by mutual consent only.
Defense
If you find yourself the recipient of unwanted ophthalmic or tactile
attention, you have available a range of appropriate reactions. The most
common is to ignore what just happened. Unfortunately, this does nothing
to prevent a recurrence of the behavior, to yourself or to others.
At the very least, _note_ who has just done something inappropriate. Then
you can defend yourself in the future, whether by refusing to dance with
that person or by being on guard next time you see him coming down the
contra line.
It is certainly appropriate to point out to someone that they've done
something you found uncomfortable. You may have the chance to speak to a
partner right away, even as the dance continues. Or you can take him aside
at the end of the dance, or seek him out later in the evening. If this is
one of those situations where the perpetrator actually was unaware of his
actions, then your words may end up benefiting the entire community. And
even if he was fully aware of what he was doing, being told that his
behavior has been noted may discourage its repetition.
One reaction that one woman suggested in the Internet discussion, but that
we have never witnessed in practice, is to emit a loud, outraged
exclamation or shriek immediately upon an unwanted touch. This does indeed
seem like a potentially effective maneuver.
Don't forget that we are a dance _community_. If you identify a person who
routinely behaves inappropriately, share this information with other
dancers. This will help others defend themselves.
Finally, you can speak to the dance organizers ã- in the case of a PCDC
event, that means any of the Board members. This does put the organizers
in a somewhat awkward position, and one for which there has been little
precedent. Still, a dance organizer should feel sufficiently empowered to
walk up to a dancer and quietly inform him that there have been reports of
certain specific behaviors that have made other dancers uncomfortable.
There is no need for the "accused" to "face his accuser," or for any sort
of adversarial confrontation. The goal is not to determine guilt or
innocence, but simply to allow us to all dance together happily in one
room.
Next: Avoidance and Rejection
Bob Stein
(Dave Goldman) wrote:
Dave:
hear! Hear!
Good stuff! That was a nice distillation of several threads that have
been ongoing here for quite some time.
I don't know if the following will be (or has been) covered in your
treatise, but here's an interesting anecdote from my experience.
I just recently brought a friend of mine who had never done contra dancing
before to our local (Philly) dance. She was very nervous and
self-conscious about her lack of dance experience and so decided to "just
watch" for the evening (we were only going to be there a short time).
I went off and danced, and was surprised when she came up to me and said
"Let's do the next dance."
I asked her what made her change her mind.
"I think I know how you dance organizers get new women to dance. You just
have all the socially-inappropriate males flock around the new woman and
pester her until she runs screaming into the arms of the nearest
'sane-looking' dancer!"
While she was joking, she admitted that all that attention made her a
little uncomfortable, but not enough to drive her from the hall
So, she plans to return! She enjoyed herself inspite of the "attentions".
The moral of this story? I'm not too sure. But maybe we need to look at
some of these behaviors, and some of the reactions they elicit, and judge
them on a case-by-case basis before we cast all newcomers as "fragile
flowers" and all of our "socially inappropriate dancers" as real menaces.
Of course, if someone is relaly out of bounds (sexually/physically
inappropriate or harrassing, etc.) then they need to be stopped in
whatever way the community deems appropriate (short of physical violence,
or rudeness, or....well, I guess each community needs to judge that on
their own terms.)
I'll be interested to hear further what you have to say.
-Bob S
--
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Bob Stein, squ...@voicenet.com
http://www.voicenet.com/~squeeze/
"Good Afternoon, Mr. ....Danger!"
--Rocky Rococco