[long] Part 2: Everything Nobody Talks About

[Dave Goldman]

Everything About Dancing That Nobody Ever Talks About
Part 2 of 3

by Dave Goldman

[Note: the following represents the opinion of the Editor, and does not
indicate any sort of policy statement by the Portland Country Dance
Community, the Country Dance and Song Society, the United Federation of
Planets, or any other organization.]

Avoidance

Suppose that there is someone with whom you do not wish to dance (perhaps
for reasons covered in Part 1 of this series). What can you do if that
person walks up to you and asks for the next dance?

A common belief is that either you must accept, or else you must reply
that you are going to sit this one out -- and then actually do so.

The common belief is wrong.

Now, there certainly are some good arguments for never turning anyone
down. New dancers need to learn to walk up to strangers without fear.
Feelings of rejection do not promote the sense of community that
contradances are otherwise so good at creating.

Still, let's face it -- there may be a couple of individuals with whom
you're just not comfortable dancing. And they should not have the power to
force you to sit out a dance.

You have several options.

First, you can avoid getting into this situation at all. Instead of
waiting for someone to come ask you to dance, you can look for someone
with whom you _would_ like to dance, and approach _them_.

Next, as any experienced dancer or metropolis-dweller knows, nobody can
ask you anything if you refuse to make eye contact. There are a few
unusually tenacious exceptions to this rule, but even with these you can
generally look past your unwanted suitor's shoulder and walk right by.

Another non-confrontational defense is to _book ahead_. If during one
dance you agree with someone to share the next, then you're immune to
unwanted invitations. However there are definite drawbacks to widespread
booking ahead -- that's a whole separate discussion, but please do
consider other options where possible.

So much for the easy alternatives. Now suppose that despite your best
intentions you are surprised by an undesirable invitation to dance. Here
is a perfectly acceptable response:

"No, thank you."

Really. You _can_ simply decline. No explanation is required, and you are
welcome to seek out another partner.

Depending on circumstances, you might decide that it would be more
beneficial in the long run if you were a bit less terse:

"No thanks. You always bend back my wrist until it hurts."

Or:

"No thanks. I'm not comfortable with the way you always stare at me."

Though maybe it's simply a matter of timing:

"No thanks. I suddenly see a chance to dance with someone I've been
lusting over all evening. But I'll look for you later."

You alone can decide on the appropriate level of tactfulness. But I
suggest that you stick to an _honest_ statement, however you choose to
phrase it. (Of course, the community as a whole would probably be better
off if you refrain from _overly_ honest statements. Such as "You scum! I
would rather dance with a St. Bernard who's been rolling in dead fish! I
spit on you!")

Rejection

Suppose that _you_ have just asked someone to dance, and been turned down
without explanation. What can you conclude?

Everyone hates you. -- Almost certainly wrong.

That person hates you. -- Usually wrong.

That person was bothered by something you said or did. -- Possibly correct.

That person already has other plans or hopes for this dance. -- Often the case.

Your immediate reaction should be to accept the rejection with a minimum
of lamentation, and then quickly go look for another partner before
everyone's been taken. Save discussions and deep analyses for another
time. (Note, however, that a brief but sincere display of extreme
desolation may in some cases improve your future odds.)

If you find yourself repeatedly rejected by one or more people, though,
it's probably time for some reflection. Is this that woman who has been
wearing a cast on her arm for the past three months, ever since you showed
her that new way of twirling? Is this the guy who made such a funny noise
after you kicked a little too high on that balance last week?

Whatever the reason, if you did do something wrong to one partner, you're
probably still doing it to others. On behalf of contradancers everywhere:
please stop.

Next: Dance Romance, and Who can you trust?