I hate being a wall flower
plg
Jitterbug Jane's list. I thought them worth sharing, and since they came
with a suggestion to do just that, here they are, along with the web sites
of the two women responsible. Well done, Terry. Thanks for sharing, Jane.
(posted at rec.folk-dancing by Penny Geis)
"Five - Six - Seven - Eight!
Steps to Moving Out from the Wall at Partner Dances
by Terry Nicholetti
I hate being a wall flower.
So I spent the better part of my 51 years becoming a
"take-charge-create-my-own-life-if-you- don't-like-it-oh-well kinda
gal. I don't sit around waiting for life to choose me; I choose life.
Except for my first experiences on the dance floor. Very few guys
were asking me to dance. Before you could say "back-step,
triple-step," all the work I had done to accept myself as an
attractive, mature, full-bodied woman disappeared like a pint of Ben
& Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie after a Weight Watchers meeting.
As I watched all the "cool people" choose and be chosen, I was
transformed into a fifteen-year-old girl-geek, holding up the wall or
filling the pretzel bowl, so people would think I wasn't dancing
because I had very important refreshment committee work to do.
Next thing you know, my dreams of a fun Saturday night were in ruins
at my non-dancing feet and I was asking myself, "What am I doing here
when I could be home scrubbing my toilet or locked up in some prison
camp having slivers of bamboo inserted under my finger nails?" I had
to do something!
If you're new to dancing, you may wonder why 1 even bothered. It's
because I found out, even in the midst of my distress that I
absolutely love to dance. And it seemed somehow terribly wrong that I
should deprive myself of this newly discovered pleasure. So I decided
it was time not only to move out from the wall, but to actually learn
to enjoy the process of finding dance partners.
With some great coaching from some very dear dance-veteran friends, I
found a way. And I'm going to tell you my secret in eight easy steps!
1. Know you're not alone. At first I thought I was struggling because
I was older (50 years old) and fatter (size 16) than almost any woman
at the dances. But as I began to talk to other women dancers about my
feelings, I made an astonishing discovery.
Whether she was twenty or forty, blonde or brunette, potential model
or plain Jane, she knew what I was talking about! And even more
astonishing, a lot of the guys had their own version of my story. No
one enjoys taking a chance on being rejected.
2. Understand the larger social context. In our culture, the
standards of physical attractiveness fall so beyond the norm that
even the Cindy Crawfords and Tom Cruises among us have at least an
occasional bad hair day. And can feel extremely sensitive to
rejection.
3. Accept your own "dance level." It's just fine to be a new dancer.
We all were! And there's a dance etiquette that says, "Couples dance
at the level of the less experienced dancer." You can tell your
partners, "I'm new at this," and most of the time, they'll be glad to
enjoy the dance at your level. If not, cross them off your dance card!
4. Ask a different question. At first glance, the dance scene does
appear mainly to be about choosing or being chosen. When I started
coming to dances, a friend told me, "Unless you're a knock-out, most
guys won't ask you to dance at first. So you ask them. Then when they
see how much fun you are, they'll ask you again."
He was right up to a point. I did get up the nerve to start asking
guys to dance, we did have fun, and some of them did start asking me
back. But I still felt uncomfortable when I got some "no's." Ranging
from a polite "I'm taking a break," to the more rude and rare "No" as
he went off to select someone else. And on the nights when there were
more followers than leaders, it was really hard.
Then one day, I realized what was wrong with this picture. I had
given up my own power to make things happen and was "waiting" for
someone else to determine whether or not I would dance. I was asking
"Who will choose me?" What if I asked a different question? What if I
asked, "How can I connect with other people who love to dance?" The
answer to this question led to step five.
5. Be present in the room as someone who loves to dance and is open
to a partner for this song. When I'm "waiting" for a dance, it shows
in my body. I'm hesitant, like a wounded puppy pleading for someone
to pet me. My fear of rejection is just under the surface, as I
tentatively stammer, "Would you like to dance?" or sit somberly on
the side pondering, by this point, the value of my entire life.
When I'm feeling my love for the dance, that also shows in my body.
I'm smiling, my eyes are lit up, my body is at ease, and I look like
someone you'd have a good time dancing with.
When a song is about to start, and I walk up to someone from this
love-for-the-dance place, sometimes I don't even have to say a word.
We just catch each other's eye, and decide together that it would be
great fun to share a dance. Or sometimes they'll ask me! (And, on the
nights when, for whatever reason, my self-esteem is a little low, I
"fake it 'til I make it!)
So now, (almost!) the only time I sit at dances is when I'm taking a
break. If I want to dance, I'm up moving around, open to that
wonderful connection that happens when two people want to dance with
each other. Most of the time, I find it. Or I groove to the music
anyway, by myself, for that song.
6. Take classes. It builds skill & confidence, increases your
repertoire of steps, and introduces you to people who become some of
your special friends and dance partners.
7. Once you have experience as a leader or follower, try learning the
other role. Not only is it a good way to meet other dancers, but it
really can expand your choices when the leader/follower balance is
out of proportion. And you'll have a much better feel for the dance
as a whole.
8. Volunteer to help build your dance community! Work the door; help
with refreshments; participate in decision-making. Support the
community that makes it possible for you to dance.
Try these steps. Build your connections in your dance community. It
gets easier. And it's definitely worth it.
See you at the next dance!"
ter...@our-town-inc.com.
Happy Dancing To All
Jitterbug Jane
Hartford Swing Jam Co-coordinator
http://www.havetodance.com/hartfordswing/