NEWS: Treasury Dept. Announces Coin/Currency Reforms ...
Ken Barr
This was just posted in the news.announce.us-government.important
newsgroup a few minutes ago. I wonder how many coins are going to be
in the 2009 Proof Sets now!
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Washington, D. C. : April 1, 2009 ***** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
*****
TREASURY DEPARTMENT ANNOUNCES SWEEPING U. S. COIN AND CURRENCY REFORMS
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced today that there will be
major changes to the United States coin and currency system as part of
the financial reform process included in the sweeping Obama Stimulus
Plan.
"First", Geithner noted, "the cent and the nickel will be eliminated.
Nobody really cares about them any more, except for coin collectors,
and they cost more to make than they are worth. We project savings of
$345.6 billion dollars over the next eighteen years by eliminating
these unnecessary denominations."
"Next", Geithner continued, "the smallest coin remaining in
circulation, the dime, will be renamed the 'Sasha' after the Obamas'
younger daughter. It will feature her gorgeous face on the obverse,
and a design showing her playing on the White House swing set on the
reverse. The quarter will similarly be renamed the 'Malia', after the
Obamas' elder daughter. It will feature her gorgeous face on the
obverse, and a design showing her hotwiring a car in the White House
parking lot on the reverse."
"For those of you with long memories", Geither added, "there used to
be a half dollar coin in circulation. We are officially eliminating
that denomination at this time, formalized an unofficial policy that
has been in effect since the Reagan administration. If there is
enough of an uproar from some special interest group, like the
gambling industry and their one-and-a-half to one payout for
'Blackjack!', we'll reinsitute the denomination on a limited basis.
It will probably feature the forthcoming White House dog on the
obverse, a design featuring the dog watering Michelle Obama's new
White House garden on the reverse, and be called a 'Honeybuckle' or
whatever the name of the bitch turns out to be."
"More important changes are coming in the currency arena", Geithner
continued. "The dollar bill will be eliminated, replaced by a note
named the 'Michelle", featuring the First Lady on the face and a
design showing her mother minding the children on the back. Notes in
denominations of Five Michelles, Ten Michelles, Twenny Michelles and
Fifty Michelles will also be introduced, with similar themes and
designs. These notes will only be issued while Senator Ted Kennedy is
alive and the Crane Paper Company continues to dictate national
monetary policy. After Kennedy's passing, the One Michelle, Five
Michelle and Ten Michelle notes will be replaced with coins."
"The one hundred dollar bill will be replaced with a note called the
'Barack'. It will feature a portrait of the President on the face and
a design featuring Obama whipping a naked Secretary of State Hillary
Clinton with a switch on the back. New denominations of Five Baracks
and Ten Baracks will be introduced, with similar themes and designs,
bringing back equivalents of the old $500 and $1000 bills which used
to be in circulation sixty years ago, when $500 and $1000 was actually
a lot of money. There is NO TRUTH, I repeat, NO TRUTH to the rumor
that the Five Baracks and Ten Baracks notes will have an RFID feature
in the security strip so that large cash transactions by money
launderers, drug dealers, coin dealers and other societal degenerates
can be tracked."
"The Bureau of the Mint and the Bureau of Engraving and Printing are
already working on new dies and plates to produce these new
denominations, and we expect them to be introduced into commerce by
the end of the month. If there are any questions, please contact the
Treasury Department Chief Deputy UnderSecretary for New Money, Dr.
Faux Boghus, at 1-800-NEW-MONY.", Geithner concluded.
Bob F.
Jerry Dennis
Ken, some of us "oldsters" are aware of your ability to find strange
and earth-shattering news just after the end of March. Still, we look
forward to them every year. Thanks for the laugh.
Jerry