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Happy John
Feb 10, 2012, 9:40:54 AM2/10/12
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...used for boating projects and other assorted foolishness. For those who've never used shop tools,
the following should provide some good information. I think I've been there and done that for every
tool mentioned.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could
get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers
in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human
energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the
more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a
bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall
integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into
smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line
instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies,
to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws
into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in
order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining
rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially
valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your
front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "Son of a BITCH!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that
you will need.
the following should provide some good information. I think I've been there and done that for every
tool mentioned.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could
get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers
in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human
energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the
more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a
bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall
integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into
smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line
instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies,
to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws
into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in
order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining
rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially
valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your
front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "Son of a BITCH!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that
you will need.
X ` Man
Feb 10, 2012, 9:47:45 AM2/10/12
to
the benefit of your military engineer training. I do do one thing right,
though...I never use a wire wheel without goggles.
Oscar
Feb 10, 2012, 12:10:12 PM2/10/12
to
--
O M G
Wayne.B
Feb 10, 2012, 2:21:02 PM2/10/12
to
On Fri, 10 Feb 2012 09:47:45 -0500, X ` Man <ev...@conservatrash.com>
wrote:
>> SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
>> while yelling "Son of a BITCH!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that
>> you will need.
>
>
>Now this is odd. I have had many of these experiences, and I haven't had
>the benefit of your military engineer training. I do do one thing right,
>though...I never use a wire wheel without goggles.
===
Never use anything that moves without safety glasses, and never use a
router, planer sander or saw without ear protection. What, what,
what was that you said? Speak up please...
wrote:
>> SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
>> while yelling "Son of a BITCH!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that
>> you will need.
>
>
>Now this is odd. I have had many of these experiences, and I haven't had
>the benefit of your military engineer training. I do do one thing right,
>though...I never use a wire wheel without goggles.
Never use anything that moves without safety glasses, and never use a
router, planer sander or saw without ear protection. What, what,
what was that you said? Speak up please...
X ` Man
Feb 10, 2012, 3:33:15 PM2/10/12
to
allegedly has a 2 hp electric motor, enough to fling a chunk of ripe
banana into low earth orbit. :>)
*e#c
Feb 10, 2012, 6:39:09 PM2/10/12
to
Happy John
Feb 10, 2012, 9:54:48 PM2/10/12
to
Tim
Feb 12, 2012, 7:44:56 PM2/12/12
to
the hose cutters....
BTW, that SOP tool is the one that always makes it past the yard into
the wheat field, and most likely never to be seen again.
Tim
Feb 12, 2012, 7:45:40 PM2/12/12
to
On Feb 10, 8:54 pm, Happy John <salmonb...@gmail.com> wrote:
> On Fri, 10 Feb 2012 14:21:02 -0500, Wayne.B <waynebatrecdotbo...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> >On Fri, 10 Feb 2012 09:47:45 -0500, X ` Man <e...@conservatrash.com>
> On Fri, 10 Feb 2012 14:21:02 -0500, Wayne.B <waynebatrecdotbo...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> >On Fri, 10 Feb 2012 09:47:45 -0500, X ` Man <e...@conservatrash.com>
> >wrote:
>
> >>> SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
> >>> while yelling "Son of a BITCH!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that
> >>> you will need.
>
> >>Now this is odd. I have had many of these experiences, and I haven't had
> >>the benefit of your military engineer training. I do do one thing right,
> >>though...I never use a wire wheel without goggles.
>
> >===
>
> >Never use anything that moves without safety glasses, and never use a
> >router, planer sander or saw without ear protection. What, what,
> >what was that you said? Speak up please...
>
> Don't use C-4 or M-60 tanks without ear protection either.
That includes det-cord too!
>
> >>> SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
> >>> while yelling "Son of a BITCH!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that
> >>> you will need.
>
> >>Now this is odd. I have had many of these experiences, and I haven't had
> >>the benefit of your military engineer training. I do do one thing right,
> >>though...I never use a wire wheel without goggles.
>
> >===
>
> >Never use anything that moves without safety glasses, and never use a
> >router, planer sander or saw without ear protection. What, what,
> >what was that you said? Speak up please...
>
> Don't use C-4 or M-60 tanks without ear protection either.
Happy John
Feb 13, 2012, 8:14:15 AM2/13/12
to
Paul Hovnanian P.E.
Feb 13, 2012, 7:32:59 PM2/13/12
to
There are only two things a shop needs: WD-40 to make things go. And duct
tape to make them stop.
--
Paul Hovnanian mailto:Pa...@Hovnanian.com
------------------------------------------------------------------
Opinions stated herein are the sole property of the author. Standard
disclaimers apply. All rights reserved. For external use only. If
irritation, rash or swelling occurs, discontinue use immediately
and consult a physician. Void where prohibited.
tape to make them stop.
--
Paul Hovnanian mailto:Pa...@Hovnanian.com
------------------------------------------------------------------
Opinions stated herein are the sole property of the author. Standard
disclaimers apply. All rights reserved. For external use only. If
irritation, rash or swelling occurs, discontinue use immediately
and consult a physician. Void where prohibited.
Tim
Feb 13, 2012, 9:07:04 PM2/13/12
to
On Feb 13, 7:14 am, Happy John <salmonb...@gmail.com> wrote:
Especially when first demonstrated on a palm or coconut tree
JustWait
Feb 13, 2012, 9:47:03 PM2/13/12
to
Happy John
Feb 14, 2012, 11:18:02 AM2/14/12
to
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