Lance Armstrong finally confesses - Dallas News Conference
Anton Berlin
this, seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong informed the
U.S. populace Thursday that he wanted to tell it something, but that
the nation first had to promise it wouldn't get angry once he did.
"Look, I'm not going to sugarcoat this. It's bad," Armstrong said
during the nationally televised press conference. "But you have to
swear to God that you won't get mad when I tell you, because if you
get upset and yell about how you're really disappointed I'm just going
to walk out of here."
"Okay?" Armstrong continued. "You guys promise?"
Armstrong then took a deep breath, massaged his forehead, murmured "Oh
boy, here we go," and appeared for several moments to be on the verge
of telling the nation his news. He seemed to lose his focus, however,
commenting that it wasn't as if anything he was about to say would
diminish the fact that he beat cancer or that his foundation has
donated more than $250 million to cancer research.
In addition, Armstrong said the American people had to promise that,
following his announcement, they would resist the urge to remove their
Livestrong bracelets and throw them away or burn them.
"Okay, there's no easy way to put this, but, well, you guys know how I
won a record seven consecutive Tours de France between 1999 and 2005?"
said Armstrong, who took a sip of water as his hand visibly shook.
"Well, this has to do with that. It also has to do with this impending
federal investigation of my cycling team. What it absolutely does not
have anything to do with is the fact that I am an inspiration to
cancer sufferers worldwide—cancer sufferers who could potentially
experience serious physical and emotional setbacks if you break your
promise and get mad at me."
Throughout the preamble to his announcement, onlookers reported
getting the impression that Armstrong felt some need to defend what he
was about to tell the country. The world's most successful cyclist
spent almost 25 minutes telling the nation that, as a top-level
international athlete, one has to do certain things to remain
competitive; that he has no regrets; and that, given the chance to
live his life again, he would do everything again the same way.
Armstrong also repeatedly mentioned that he had beaten cancer.
"You have to understand—in the high-pressure world of competitive
cycling, it's all about getting any advantage you can," Armstrong
said. "And if we were being realistic, we'd have to admit that
everyone in cycling was trying to get an advantage. So, in a way, if
we were all trying to get the same advantage, then the playing field
was still completely equal. So I was still the best. It makes sense
when you look at it that way. And nothing I am about to tell you
changes that. So, when I'm finished saying what I have to say, you all
have to promise to still adore me."
"In fact, if you don't still adore me, and you suddenly get all huffy
and say that I wasn't really a hero all these years, you are in the
wrong here, not me," Armstrong added. "You. Not me."
Armstrong then stood, paced back and forth for a moment, shook his
head, and returned to the microphone.
"You guys are not making this easy for me, that's for damn sure," he
said. "This really shouldn't be hard. Because it's actually not even
really that big of a deal. At all. Frankly, I don't even know why I'm
here right now."
Armstrong reiterated for a fifth and sixth time that he had beaten
cancer.
"Okay, here goes," Armstrong said. "Um, in the late '90s and early
2000s, I took, um… You see, in order to give myself a better chance of
winning, I… Yes, there were instances during the Tour when…"
"You know what? I forgot what I was going to say," Armstrong added.
"Sorry. I feel like an idiot. Have a nice afternoon."
http://www.theonion.com/articles/lance-armstrong-wants-to-tell-nation-something-but,17973/
LawBoy01
BLafferty
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LOL! Great way to begin th