Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Reheated Slop
Ubiquitous
cooking food!" She looks and talks like Mr. Rogers, except (1) she's wearing a
pink sweater (2) she's a drunkard, and (3) she'll fall flat on her face if she
tried to tie her shoes. As she speaks, I notice that the sound is off this
week. It sounds like she's in a porta toilet or something. Anyhow, the kitchen
has once again been remodeled with scalloping on the shelves and topiaries on
the shelves. In addition, the window has a weird landscape painting behind it,
reenforcing the appearance that she's in the "Land of make-Believe". Well it
certainly fits with this "cooking" show! I cannot name the artist or the
painting, but it looks like the ones with a man with an apple for a head
wearing a black derby. Anyway, SLop shows us a dubious bouquet of flowers and
asks if we think they're beautiful, but "PYSCHE!", it's NOT a bouquet of
flowers, just another recipe box of hers. Pretty sneaky, SLop! She rattles off
her menu and we bop into the opening credits.
When we return to the show, SLop enters stage left with big bottle of wine
from her bar clutched in her hand. Is it Cocktail Time ALREADY? SLop starts
working on her bacon wrapped artichoke hearts by emptying a jar of marinated
artichoke hearts, telling us to save the sauce because it will be used as a
baste. She adds a big cup of the wine to a saucepan and turns on the stove.
She gets some bacon and bisects it before using it to wrap the artichokes and
securing them with toothpicks. An awkward voice-over informs us that these are
so good that we can use them as a side dish if we desired. How about with some
reheated Country Cack mashers and Hormel™ beef tips? She tells us to pop them
into the oven for 15 minutes at 425 degrees and pulls out a tray she claims
she made earlier, claiming she wants to eat them all up. Grabbing a relish
tray which holds smaller compartmentalized dishes, she plates them into one of
the dishes and sets it into the relish tray.
SLop grabs a couple packages of Hormel ™ beef tips in gravy from the fridge,
thoughtfully informing us it's in the refrigerated section of the grocery
store. She dumps it into the reduced wine mixture on the stove which has
suddenly assumed room temperature from a hard boil just minutes before,
breaking it up so the chunks are separated, telling us it's already precooked.
She adds 2 tbs of steak seasoning and stirs it thoroughly. I cannot decide on
whether it looks like chunky diarrhea or dog food. As we bop out to
commercial, she tells us she's going to let it cook it for 5 minutes before
adding peas and onions.
When we return from commercial, SLop reminds us that everything she made came
from her recipe box and "I love my recipe box everything comes out of it".
Umm, yeah, thanks for that intimate bit of data, Sandie. She takes a tub of
incognito Country Cack mashed potatoes and struggles with opening it, finally
having to uses a knife. As she removes the lid lining, she fills the void in
conversation by informing us that these are the hottest thing in the grocery
store today and are available with different flavours and with or without the
skins, adding that these are real, not like the ones you get in the box. She
dumps the contents of the tub into a large glass bowl and breaks it up with a
spatula before reheating it in the microwave with wet towel over the top,
exposing her ignorance on matters culinary by claiming that microwaving food
in plastic containers is a "no-no". She begins to get some basil for the
mashers, helpfully sharing her trick of keeping hers in a ziplock bag with a
wet paper towel but first, returns to the other pan to add a thawed package of
frozen peas and pearl onions to the sauce and a thawed package of frozen
artichokes, reminding us that you can embellish these to make them
gourmetesque meal. I am assuming she meant "grotesque". SLop then remembers
she was doctoring up those mashers with basil and returns to it. She plucks
some leaves from the Glad bag and gets some pesto because she likes to add it
to everything. That's just how much she loves the stuff. Anyway, back to the
basil. She plucks some leaves and attempts to mulch them, explaining that she
didn't add it earlier because they would cook and turn brown in the microwave,
to which I reply "Bullshit!", followed by a quick search of scopes.com for
confirmation. She cranks some pepper into the sauce and gives it a quick stir,
then rushes back to give the mashers a quick stir. "Look how wonderful they
are!" she exclaims as she stirs a white pasty substance. Instead of butter,
she adds basil and pesto, noting that pesto contains basil and nuts, sometimes
walnuts. She loves to add pesto to everything, you know.
She retrieves the relish tray and its pieces and pours the mashers into one of
the compartments. She tastes the white semi-liquid and with a shimmy, declares
"Mmm, mmm, good!". She then plates the beef tips in the last two compartments,
declaring "This smells so good! The gravy will be nice and thick over the
potatoes, in fact you don't need to put gravy on mashers, just eat it by
itself!". Scraping the last few drops of the sauce into the last relish tray
compartment, she puts tray onto the table as we go out to commercial break.
Wow, this ep isn't even halfway finished and the food is done!
When we return from commercial break, SLop enters stage left with ANOTHER
bottle of booze. Is it cocktail time yet? Almost, but first, it's time to make
the cheesecake! She makes a sauce with 1/3 orange marmalade, warning us for
some reason not to preheat the pan, and stirs in 2 tablespoons of orange
liquor with a pastel-colored spoon and a tablespoon of thawed frozen orange
juice concentrate, followed by a little five-spice powder, listing off its
components. She then goes to the sink counter and grabs an orange and claims
that she always wash her fruits & veggies before displaying them, using them,
or putting them into the fridge. I for one do not believe this for a single
second, although on second thought, she has been known to use produce as a
display (or were they plastic ones she used?). Anyhow, SLop slices the orange
on the same place she sliced that raw bacon for those artichoke things and
dumps them into the saucepan whose contents are now at a hard boil (does she
know there are gradients to the stove dial between "Off" and "High"?) and
stirring it with a fork. SLop singsongs "And now it's cheesecake time!" as she
pulls out a disguised thawed Sarah Lee frozen cheesecake, informing us that
embellishing these will make them taste like you've been baking it for hours.
She begins by cutting the cake into fourths with a big ass Michael Meyers
knife by slicing from the center to edge four times instead of bisecting it
twice. Claiming that these are like petite foirs, she puts two slices (half
the cheesecake!) onto the plate and places one sad limp brown orange from the
saucepan atop each slice before drizzling the brownish sauce over the top,
conspiratorially asiding "No one will ever know this wasn't homemade!". Wanna
bet, honey? She eats a bit, describing it as a little piece of orange heaven.
SLop giddily announces "It's cocktail time! Best time of the day!", but sadly,
there is no accompanying pop-up graphic. For this week's cocktail she dumps
equal amounts of orange liquor coffee, orange vodka, and coffee liquor into a
pot of coffee, telling us how much she loves to use the coffee pot because it
has the measuring marks on it. She next adds some orange extract to a tub of
incognito Cool Whip ™ to make it taste home made and fills a pair of heat
proof mugs with the room temperature coffee and booze solution, topping it off
with a dollop of the "nice and decadent" whipped topping mixture with a loud
"Whoot! How pretty is that? gorrrrgous!". Only to you, you drunkard. Her
choice for choking hazard is a zested orange, accompanied by a clumsy
voice-over about how she zests the "orange stuff" from an orange. As we bop
out to the final commercial, SLop threatens us with her tablescape.
When we return from commercial, SLop enters stage left holding a bowl. She
tells us she's going to use a chip and dip bowl set to hold a silk flower
arrangement. Naturally, they are just as cartoony as everything else in her
"kitchen" this week. She takes the bowl for the dip and puts it in its place,
noting that since it sits higher than where the chips normally go, it'll be
the perfect place for a votive candle! As she place the impromptu candle
holder on the tray, an awkward voice-over warns us to keep an eye on it so
there's no accidents. Gee, that was loads of help. She shows us how she hemmed
the table cloth with iron-on tape (apparently the INS raided the dry cleaner
who usually does her sewing) and then starts to talk about her
placeholder/party favors which look like little tiny recipe boxes. Look! Kim's
coming to this party! Sandra concludes by telling us that everything can come
out of your nice magical box and gives her "Keep it" trifecta.
--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.
Ralph Guttierrez
I don't mind that she used frozen vegetables. In many cases, the frozen vegetables are superior
to fresh. I do mind that she drowns them in salt and hydrolyzed starch or whatever the heck that
beef tips package uses to make its sauce. And using the tub o'mashed taters was just so terrible
to my eyes. How fucking hard is it to mash boiled potatoes?
In article <j8adnZvife3TTFvZ...@comcast.com>, web...@polaris.net
wrote:
Eunice Roth
In article <j8adnZvife3TTFvZ...@comcast.com>, web...@polaris.net
wrote:
>
jeremy
and breaks it up with a
>> spatula before reheating it in the microwave with wet towel over the top,
>> exposing her ignorance on matters culinary by claiming that microwaving food
>> in plastic containers is a "no-no".
This is actually true for many plastic products and cling film, look it up.
JJ
Ubiquitous
>Am I the only one who thought the beef tips looked like something my dog
>left on the carpet? Now, I don't mind that she used frozen vegetables. In
>many cases, the frozen vegetables are superior to fresh. I do mind that she
>drowns them in salt and hydrolyzed starch or whatever the heck that beef
>tips package uses to make its sauce. And using the tub o'mashed taters was
>just so terrible to my eyes. How fucking hard is it to mash boiled potatoes?
You're not the only one, but then again, a lot of her concoctions look like
it.
Ubiquitous
>For some reason "Country Cack" KILLS ME!
Thanks! It's not a coincidence that I used that word...
Ubiquitous
wrote:
>Eunice Roth wrote:
I've never had the dubious pleasure of purchasing Country Cack ™, but I
suspect they're meant to be reheated in the original container. I know for
a fact, however, that cling film is OK.
--
It is simply breathtaking to watch the glee and abandon with which
the liberal media and the Angry Left have been attempting to turn
our military victory in Iraq into a second Vietnam quagmire. Too bad
for them, it's failing.
Diane M
> In article <PJNzg.270$%j7...@newssvr29.news.prodigy.net>, jer...@dcnet2000.com
> wrote:
>
>>Eunice Roth wrote:
>
>
>>>and breaks it up with a spatula before reheating it in the microwave with
>>>wet towel over the top, exposing her ignorance on matters culinary by
>>>claiming that microwaving food in plastic containers is a "no-no".
>>
>>This is actually true for many plastic products and cling film, look it up.
>
>
> I've never had the dubious pleasure of purchasing Country Cack ™, but I
> suspect they're meant to be reheated in the original container. I know for
> a fact, however, that cling film is OK.
>
'special' recipe for frying chicken. This was it: sprinkle salt on the
chicken pieces, dip in flour, and deep fry. That was it! Doesn't sound
special to me. In her potato salad, she used canned, sliced potatoes.
Gee, is it that hard to boil a few potatoes?
Diane M
Adil
Don't forget you can use the "juice" from the can for gravy!
Ubiquitous
>Ubiquitous wrote:
>> I've never had the dubious pleasure of purchasing Country Cack ™, but I
>> suspect they're meant to be reheated in the original container. I know for
>> a fact, however, that cling film is OK.
>
>I watched her show this afternoon, anxious to discover her grandmother's
>'special' recipe for frying chicken. This was it: sprinkle salt on the
>chicken pieces, dip in flour, and deep fry. That was it! Doesn't sound
>special to me.
The kicker was her claiming that was the best fried chicken she ever had.
Huh?
gregz...@cs.com
Ubiquitous wrote:
> In article <PJNzg.270$%j7...@newssvr29.news.prodigy.net>, jer...@dcnet2000.com
> wrote:
> >This is actually true for many plastic products and cling film, look it up.
>
> I've never had the dubious pleasure of purchasing Country Cack ™, but I
> suspect they're meant to be reheated in the original container. I know for
> a fact, however, that cling film is OK.
>
Then you're just deluded. In case you didn't know, plastics are made
out of chemicals, and heating chemicals in the microwave mutates them
into poisonous viruses that will give you cancer.
I read that on the internet and it must be true.
Greg Zywicki
Actually, heating polystyrene foam isn't reccomended. I believe the
issue is that the heating liberates phenyl formaldehyde, but It might
be some other equally unpleasant and avoidable organic compound. Don't
know about cling film (plastic wrap.) Saran wrap smells kind of nasty
when heated. It seems like Saran wrap has disapeared though.
Anim8rFSK
gregz...@cs.com wrote:
Huh? We got Saran Wrap last week. And we get the kind that says 'safe
in the Microwave'
Anim8rFSK
Ubiquitous <web...@polaris.net> wrote:
> dian...@earthlink.net wrote:
> >Ubiquitous wrote:
>
> >> I've never had the dubious pleasure of purchasing Country Cack ™, but I
> >> suspect they're meant to be reheated in the original container. I know for
> >> a fact, however, that cling film is OK.
> >
> >I watched her show this afternoon, anxious to discover her grandmother's
> >'special' recipe for frying chicken. This was it: sprinkle salt on the
> >chicken pieces, dip in flour, and deep fry. That was it! Doesn't sound
> >special to me.
>
> The kicker was her claiming that was the best fried chicken she ever had.
>
> Huh?
Yeah. We watched that with me thinking I might pick up some tips. She
didn't do a damn thing! She also didn't cook it REMOTELY long enough.
Nor did she wash or dry the chicken.
pe...@home.com
And I read this on the internet, so it must also be true:
Greg
Anim8rFSK wrote:
> Greg Zywicki Wrote (and I know, because I'm him)
> > Saran wrap smells kind of nasty
> > when heated. It seems like Saran wrap has disapeared though.
>
> Huh? We got Saran Wrap last week. And we get the kind that says 'safe
> in the Microwave'
There are two items sold under the SARAN name: Premium wrap and Cling
Plus.
Cling Plus is the crappy Polyethylene type, like Reynolds and Glad,
that I'm stuck with because my wife likes it better and doesn't know
the difference (Hi Honey!) and because it doesn't stick to itself
(which is sort of missing the point, since it also doesn't stick to any
other damn thing and did I mention It's crap?)
The internet still thinks the regular Saran Premium is PVC, so I guess
it's still around. I got to watch them making the stuff at Dow in
Midland Michigan. Two machines smaller than a check-out line provide
for the entire nation's Saran consumption.
Greg Zywicki
Greg
gregz...@cs.com wrote:
> Actually, heating polystyrene foam isn't reccomended. I believe the
> issue is that the heating liberates phenyl formaldehyde, but It might
> be some other equally unpleasant and avoidable organic compound.
Damn, it's amazing how deep an idea can penetrate.
After researching I find: Nope - the only problem with styrofoam is
that it's a bit melty. I don't have a clue how formaldehyde got into
my brain. The idea of it, I mean.
Note that the snopes article cited doesn't mention stryrofoam. In the
best tradition of alt.folklore, that means that you can't draw a
conclusion based on that article. But you can have a hunch.
Greg Zywicki
Default User
What are you doing? Debunking yourself?
That's not usenet tradition. Stop it.
Brian
--
If televison's a babysitter, the Internet is a drunk librarian who
won't shut up.
-- Dorothy Gambrell (http://catandgirl.com)
Anim8rFSK
"Greg" <gregz...@cs.com> wrote:
You might want to check the straight dope. There is, for instance, no
such thing as a styrafoam cup. :-)
Anim8rFSK
"Greg" <gregz...@cs.com> wrote:
The box I have sitting here says SARAN CLASSIC. "the best performance
in freezer & microwave"
The side of box says "it's not just any wrap. It's SARAN WRAP!
And then lists Saran Classic, Saran with Cling Plus, and Saran with
Cling Plus Junior.
jeremy
> Huh? We got Saran Wrap last week. And we get the kind that says 'safe
> in the Microwave'
And of course every corporation always tells the truth and in fact employ
hundreds of people to reassure you of the truth, usually labeled as the
Marketing Department to keep their real purpose secret.
JJ
Blair P. Houghton
>The internet still thinks the regular Saran Premium is PVC, so I guess
>it's still around. I got to watch them making the stuff at Dow in
>Midland Michigan. Two machines smaller than a check-out line provide
>for the entire nation's Saran consumption.
So? A guy with a brain the size of a walnut is running the whole thing.
--Blair
Nick
The only thing worse than thinking corporations always tell the truth is
thinking that they are always lying.