Anthony Bourdain's Blog - A SemiHomade Drive by Shooting
Ubiquitous
doll's eyes. When he comes at you, doesn't seem to be livin' ..until he
bites you--and those black eyes roll over white, and then you hear that
terrible high pitched screamin'...the ocean turns red..."
Robert Shaw (as Quint) in Jaws
So, I get invited to a movie premier. This doesn't happen a lot and it's
for Julie/Julia, and I happen to be very sentimental on the subject of
Julia Child . The book "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" has a sort
of totemic place in my personal history--as it does, I'm sure, for
millions of others. I am also a big Stanlet Tucci fan. He directed and
co-starred in the single best live action film on the restaurant
business (Big Night) and there was certainly no reason to believe that
Meryl Street couldn't "do" Julia. ( Of course she can.) But that's not
the point of this tale.The next morning, I'm still trying to reconstruct
the exact progression, the details, like trying to remember the license
plate of the truck that hit me. Only this wasn't any normal truck. This
was far more terrifying and traumatic an event than being smashed by the
grill of a Peterbilt, pulled up into the wheel well, dragged for a
while, only to have my shredded remnants left by the side of the road,
wondering, in my last moments of consciousness, "What the hell
happened?" I'm pretty sure, judging by the vestigial ectoplasm on my
jacket that I was sideswiped by pure evil.
I'm standing there by the boeuf bourgignonne station, sucking down
martinis with my wife (they drink a LOT of martinis in the movie),
minding my own business, having an innocent chat with some friends, when
I notice someone has their hand on me. An icy, tendril of fear runs down
my spine. I turn and find myself looking straight into the deceptively
attractive and reasonable looking face of Sandra Lee.
To make matters worse--and more.....uncomfortable, she's standing next
to her boyfriend, Andrew Cuomo, the Attorney General of the State of New
York.
Now, I've said some unkind things over the years about Sandra. Far too
many and far too terrible things to ever apologize for. Plus, I pretty
much meant every word. Once you've seen Sandra making Kwanzaa Cake on
YouTube, there's no backing down . My head is reeling with the thought
that one phone call from Cuomo and my last twenty years of tax returns
are getting audited . I'm paralyzed, wondering what the statute of
limitations is on various things I may or may not have done twenty years
ago. Sandra is talking. I know this cause her lips are moving and she's
saying--overtly anyway, nice things. Like "You're a very naughty man,"
and she's chatting amiably with my wife. But one hand is picking over me
like the meat buyer at Peter Luger selecting a rib section--like some
demonic bird of prey is poking and prodding, deciding where the weakest,
most tender point of entry is, giving, as I recall, a point by point
review of her investigations to my wife--who ordinarily, I have to say,
would have been across the table with a tomahawk chop elbow to the top
of the skull by now, but who, like me, sits mesmerized and grinning
insanely, frozen by the ..bizarrenessof the moment which seems to go on
forever as Sandra's hand wanders upward, tugs an ear lobe and asks if my
ears are red yet. (They were.) Having had her way with me, she leaves
the emptied husk of my carcass teetering at the table and moves on.
I felt like the victim of a drive-by shooting. "What just..happened?" I
said with a weak, trembly voice. I looked around to see if anyone else
had noticed the quiet but very thorough disembowelment that had just
occurred. Nothing. It had looked, to anyone who'd care to notice, like
any other cocktail party conversation--but I knew better. I had looked
into those eyes. I'd seen. Oh, she was smiling all right, but I'm pretty
damn sure you could have dragged a rusty butterknife across my carotid
artery right there at the table and her expression would not have
changed, maybe only the eyes, they'd roll over white as I geysered onto
the chafing dishes.
As we say on the show all the time, "What have we learned today?"
I learned that were a nuclear weapon to fall on New York, I'm pretty
sure that if no one else, Sandra Lee would survive to clamber out of the
rubble. That if it came down to a fight over the last can of food, she
would surely emerge the victor.
I learned that I am truly and deeply afraid of her. And I'm pretty sure
she's a Democrat.
--
It's now time for healing, and for fixing the damage the Democrats did
to America.
Jed
wrote:
>But one hand is picking over me
>like the meat buyer at Peter Luger selecting a rib section--like some
>demonic bird of prey is poking and prodding, deciding where the weakest,
>most tender point of entry is, giving, as I recall, a point by point
>review of her investigations to my wife--who ordinarily, I have to say,
>would have been across the table with a tomahawk chop elbow to the top
>of the skull by now, but who, like me, sits mesmerized and grinning
>insanely, frozen by the ..bizarrenessof the moment which seems to go on
>forever as Sandra's hand wanders upward, tugs an ear lobe and asks if my
>ears are red yet.
I like Bourdain and all, but that is one amazing run-on sentence.
not...@bb.nothome.com
> I learned that I am truly and deeply afraid of her. And I'm pretty sure
> she's a Democrat.
LOL!.....
Now, that's one potent bitch. I wonder who would win if you tied their
ankles together and threw the two over a clothesline, Sandra Lee or
Ann Coulter.
nb
not...@bb.nothome.com
> I like Bourdain and all, but that is one amazing run-on sentence.
Try reading Henry Jame's Turn Of the Screw.
nb
Mark Thorson
>
> The next morning, I'm still trying to reconstruct
> the exact progression, the details, like trying to remember the license
> plate of the truck that hit me. Only this wasn't any normal truck. This
> was far more terrifying and traumatic an event than being smashed by the
> grill of a Peterbilt, pulled up into the wheel well, dragged for a
> while, only to have my shredded remnants left by the side of the road,
> wondering, in my last moments of consciousness, "What the hell
> happened?" I'm pretty sure, judging by the vestigial ectoplasm on my
> jacket that I was sideswiped by pure evil.
Reminds me of the writing of Hunter S. Thompson.
Kyle
That was hilarious.
Kyle
Bourdain is a fan of Hunter Thompson.
Ubiquitous
with Sandra Lee at a movie premiere. He said he was �sideswiped by pure
evil� and likened her to Jaws.
Today, Sandra Lee hit back in an interview with OK Magazine. When asked
which celebrity she would like to have over for dinner, she replied:
Anthony Bourdain, because I�d like to tell him that
he needs to have a cocktail. He needs to have a cocktail
and lighten up.
And what would she cook him for dinner?
I would cook him a yummy, mommy comfort food meal, like
something with meat and mashed potatoes in it. It�s good
comfort food. We all need good comforting.
Can these two just get a room already?!
--
That's the great thing about Semi-Homemade Cooking: No matter how bad
we think it's going to be, Sandy manages to make it even worse.
-- orchidgal
Ubiquitous
tdciago
> Today, Sandra Lee hit back in an interview with OK Magazine. When asked
> which celebrity she would like to have over for dinner, she replied:
>
> Anthony Bourdain, because I’d like to tell him that
> he needs to have a cocktail. He needs to have a cocktail
> and lighten up.
Hilarious. Of course it would be cocktail time. I wonder what the
choking hazard du jour (Is that how you once put it?) would be in that
cocktail.
I'm not wild about Anthony Bourdain, but that was a terrific,
entertaining piece of writing. And hell, good for Sandy for being a
survivor.
Ellorysgirl
From watching Bourdain's Travel Channel episodes, I think he could
probably give SLop a few lessons in cocktails and drinking in general.
N.
Ubiquitous
>> Today, Sandra Lee hit back in an interview with OK Magazine. When
>> asked which celebrity she would like to have over for dinner, she
>> replied:
>>
>> � � � � Anthony Bourdain, because I�d like to tell him that
>> � � � � he needs to have a cocktail. He needs to have a cocktail
>> � � � � and lighten up.
>
>Hilarious. Of course it would be cocktail time. I wonder what the
>choking hazard du jour (Is that how you once put it?) would be in that
>cocktail.
Hmm, good question! I'm not sure what the choking hazard would be.
>I'm not wild about Anthony Bourdain, but that was a terrific,
>entertaining piece of writing. And hell, good for Sandy for being a
>survivor.
About which version of SLop's "story line" are you speaking?
Anim8rFSK
web...@polaris.net (Ubiquitous) wrote:
> tdc...@aol.com wrote:
> >Ubiquitous <web...@polaris.net> wrote:
>
> >> Today, Sandra Lee hit back in an interview with OK Magazine. When
> >> asked which celebrity she would like to have over for dinner, she
> >> replied:
> >>
> >> � � � � Anthony Bourdain, because I�d like to tell him that
> >> � � � � he needs to have a cocktail. He needs to have a cocktail
> >> � � � � and lighten up.
> >
> >Hilarious. Of course it would be cocktail time. I wonder what the
> >choking hazard du jour (Is that how you once put it?) would be in that
> >cocktail.
>
> Hmm, good question! I'm not sure what the choking hazard would be.
>
> >I'm not wild about Anthony Bourdain, but that was a terrific,
> >entertaining piece of writing. And hell, good for Sandy for being a
> >survivor.
>
> About which version of SLop's "story line" are you speaking?
The one where she ate her own cooking.
--
Stargate Universe SGU: It puts the "U" in "SUCKS"!
It's the show 'Defiling Gravity' would be if DG had more regulars,
fewer abortions, worse writers, and no budget for lighting.
Remember, you can't spell "disgust" without SGU!
tdciago
> About which version of SLop's "story line" are you speaking?
This part:
"I learned that were a nuclear weapon to fall on New York, I'm pretty
sure that if no one else, Sandra Lee would survive to clamber out of
the
rubble. That if it came down to a fight over the last can of food,
she
would surely emerge the victor."
She intimidated Bourdain. Good for her.
Ubiquitous
>> About which version of SLop's "story line" are you speaking?
>
>This part:
>"I learned that were a nuclear weapon to fall on New York, I'm pretty
>sure that if no one else, Sandra Lee would survive to clamber out of
>the rubble. That if it came down to a fight over the last can of food,
>shew ould surely emerge the victor."
>
>She intimidated Bourdain. Good for her.
You mean "irritated".
I was asking about her life story, BTW.
Virginia Tadrzynski
"tdciago" <tdc...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:8b15b121-255b-4c05...@j19g2000yqk.googlegroups.com...
Bourdain would not be intimidated by a half-wit like this.....he would drink
her under the table and THEN be able to make something totally edible unlike
her.....he actually trained as a chef, not learned how to open a box of
Betty Crocker.