Have I Got News For You (Jimmy Saville)
l...@mailcity.com
Series 17, Show 7
Recorded 27/5/99 for transmission on 28/5/99
Guests: Sir James Saville OBE, Diane Abbott MP
Prog No: 06/HGT/SW76Q
Running time: 102'46'03 (Edited to 28'54)
Producer: Giles Pilbrow, Hat Trick 1999
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are some extracts from an unedited Have I Got News For You rushes
tape. (The cut dialogue is isolated by square brackets and printed in
bold.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Out-take 1: 02'45
Following a discussion about the England rugby boss taking cocaine:
MERTON
It wouldn't be so bad if News Of The World, News International, if
they actually paid any tax in this country - they haven't paid any tax
since about 1983. So that would be alright, you could say 'Well,
y'know, OK, they can have a go at the royals, they can have a go at
anybody'. But they, y'know, they owe us billions of pounds in tax. You
could have built hospitals with that. Or given it to me. (Audience
applauds)
DEAYTON
I assume the applause was for the hospitals, not giving it to Paul.
(Audience laughs)
MERTON
[There you go - that's me reading Ian's bits on the autocue. That's
post-modern for you. Hospitals? Yeah, like I give a fuck. (Huge
audience laugh)
SAVILLE
The editor of the News Of The World - what's his name?
HISLOP
Phil Hall.
SAVILLE
That's right. Very nice man.
HISLOP
Mmm. I wonder where the billions of pounds in tax went, though? (Does
comedy cocaine sniff; Audience giggles)
DEAYTON
I feel the word 'allegedly' homing into view...
HISLOP
Yes. And I feel the phrase 'Phil Hall is a big fat druggie' homing
into view. (Pause) Sorry, I'm just looking at our lawyer in the front
row.
(Waves at lawyer) Hello!
(Audience laughs)
DEAYTON
Have you ever taken drugs, Jimmy?
SAVILLE
Well...
HISLOP
You can tell us. Phil Hall and you are like that.]
SAVILLE
I have a drugs record. (Uncertain pause)
HISLOP
Do you?
SAVILLE
Mm.
HISLOP
And do you play it a lot? (Audience laugh)
SAVILLE
212 marathons and I've never been tested once.
[HISLOP
Good god. You and Phil Hall both.
SAVILLE
Ah, but he never ran the marathon...
HISLOP
Oh right...
MERTON
Yes he did. He used to go dressed as a big fat druggie. (Audience
laughs)
HISLOP
Oh yes, I remember now...
MERTON
It made a change from a giant chicken, so he said. The judge gave him
five years (Pause) I don't know what I'm talking about. I've done 212
of these shows and I've never been tested once.
HISLOP
(To Saville) So they've never tested you?
SAVILLE
Yeah. ] And I say, what's wrong with me, why can't you test me? And he
said 'Because you come in last, so...'. (Audience laugh)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Out-take 2: 04'17
Following a discussion about Sun editor David Yelland's decision to
publish topless pictures of Sophie Rhys Jones:
SAVILLE
It's well out of order.
HISLOP
Indeed. And it's Mr Murdoch again.
SAVILLE
Yes. How would he like to see his, er, er, secret lover naked in
someone else's paper?
HISLOP
If anyone's got any pictures, do drop them...in...
[MERTON
I've got some.
DEAYTON
Well, you'll have to share them with us next time, Paul...
MERTON
I will. It could be an entirely new game. Spot the rancid, pus-filled
cock...up the arse of some old tart. 'Whose Buboes Are They Anyway'?
DEAYTON
Are you calling Mr Yelland's personal hygiene into question?
MERTON
Not at all. I'm just saying he's a cunt. (Audience applauds) I'm
saying he's a cunt with a rancid pus-filled cock. Which is the title
of new six-part documentary series on Channel 5, apparently.
DEAYTON
We look forward to it.
MERTON
I don't. Stupid depressing old fucker. I hope he dies a painful death.
Seriously. Nothing would give me greater pleasure. No joke.
(Smattering of audience applause)
DEAYTON
But The Sun have apologised, of course...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Out-take 3: 09'36
During the headline round:
DEAYTON
You used to be a wrestler didn't you?
SAVILLE
I still am.
DEAYTON
Are you?
SAVILLE
I'm feared in every girls' school in the country. (Audience laugh)
[DEAYTON Yeah, I've heard about that.
SAVILLE
What have you heard?
DEAYTON
I've...
MERTON
Something about a cunt with a rancid, pus-filled cock.
(Huge audience laugh; Awkward pause)
SAVILLE
I advise you to wash your mouth out, my friend...
MERTON
That's what she had to do! (Audience laughs)
HISLOP
Weren't you leaving money in phone boxes or something? (Saville glares
at him) Or have I got completely the wrong end of the...
SAVILLE
(To Deayton, heavily) The question you asked was about wrestling.
DEAYTON
Yes. And then you mentioned girls' schools. I don't know whe...
SAVILLE
Well I understood this was a comedy programme. I realise now how wrong
I was. (Audience laugh)
DEAYTON
So were you a professional wrestler?
SAVILLE
Yes I was.
DEAYTON
(To audience) Glad we got that cleared up. (Pulls face; audience
giggles)
HISLOP
Feared by every girls' school in the country...
SAVILLE
That's right.
MERTON
Due to having a rancid, pus-filled cock. (Huge audience laugh)
DEAYTON
Erm...
HISLOP
You're on top form tonight, Paul...
SAVILLE
(Strangely) I'm...this is not what I...
FLOOR MANAGER
(OOV) OK, do you...[inaudible section]...shall we, for pick-ups...
MERTON
I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what came over me.
SAVILLE
A pus-filled cock, I imagine. (Shocked audience laugh)
MERTON
Oh, it's nice to see you joining in. We'd been waiting for you, you
sad, senile old shitter. (Audience appears to do double-take)
DEAYTON
I think we...d-d-you you want to apologise to our guest, Paul?
MERTON
Sorry, I do apologise. Sir senile old shitter, is what I meant to say.
(Audience laugh; pause) Sir senile old shitter...who fucks minors.
(Audience unrest)
HISLOP
Sorry, I'm just looking at our lawyer again. (Waves) Hello! (Audience
laughs)
DEAYTON
Shall we get back on course with this, or sha...
SAVILLE
I do fuck miners, that's quite correct. I have always done so. They
can do the most wonderful things with cigars. The coal...
MERTON
What, they stick them up your senile, pus-filled arse? (Audience
laughs)
FLOOR MANAGER
(OOV): Come on...I'm getting an ear-bashing here. It's...
MERTON
Oh they want to continue. Sorry, I'll contain myself. Carry on...
DEAYTON
Right (Pause) You used to be a professional wrestler didn't you?
(Huge audience laugh)
SAVILLE
(Calmly) I did.]
DEAYTON
You didn't have a nickname or anything?
SAVILLE
Yes - 'Loser'. (Audience laughs)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Out-take 4: 21'20
Following a discussion about caravans:
DEAYTON
Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta. [Asked by
the...
MERTON
I visited your caravan the other week, Jimmy.
SAVILLE
Did you really?
MERTON
Oh yes. Interesting what you can find, if you have a bit of a poke.
(Audience laugh)
HISLOP
He just told you, it was twelve years ago...
SAVILLE
No, I lived in it for twelve years.
MERTON
And fucked twelve year olds. (Audience laugh)
DEAYTON
Here we go again...I'll be backstage if anyone wants me.
MERTON
(Indicating Saville) That's what you said to the kids on your show,
wasn't it? (Audience laugh)
SAVILLE
No, they never did want me.
HISLOP
Not even Sarah Cornley?
SAVILLE
She was an exception.
DEAYTON
Who's Sarah Cornley?
SAVILLE
Sarah Cornley is...
HISLOP
About fifteen grand in damages, wasn't she? (Uncertain audience
laugh)
SAVILLE
That's right.
HISLOP
So if I was going to mention that you threatened to break her arm if
she said anything...
SAVILLE
You'd be very wrong. (Pause) I said I'd break both her arms.
(Audience unease)
MERTON
Fucking hell. I mean, you're just sitting there, all shell suit and
cigar, wearing those fucking...I don't know what they are.
SAVILLE
Chrome-plated SC-700 sun-visors, these are. Sent to me by...
MERTON
We don't give a shit. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir James Saville OBE.
Jim has fixed it for me to have my arms broken. Meet this depressing
old fucked up cunt of a fucker on television who's riddled with cancer
and fucking pubic lice.
HISLOP
(To lawyer again) Hello! (Audience laughs)
MERTON
Christ, I mean ha ha, big fucking joke - the fucking lawyers are
involved, tee hee. It doesn't change anything.
DEAYTON
(Visibly out of character) Do you wanna stop, or...?
MERTON
No I don't fucking want to stop. It's all shit! You'll expect a comedy
walkout in a minute, won't you? I mean, big bloody joke - I'm going to
quote Shakespeare in a minute, how fucking out of character. And Ian
knows about football - oh my fucking sides.
SAVILLE
You've never fucked anyone in your life, boy.
MERTON
Oh fuck off...
FLOOR MANAGER
(OOV) ...About five minutes, just to... (Phil Davey enters)
PHIL DAVEY
OK, well top that as they say. You're looking troubled by that, aren't
you mate? I tell you, I came back from Amsterdam recently...
[RECORDING PLACED ON STAND-BY; CUTS BACK TO CLOSE-UP OF DEAYTON
AWAITING HIS CUE]
DEAYTON
OK. Second time lucky. (Pause) Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury
caravan in Malta.] Asked by the New York Times about his relaxed
acting style...
--
Richard Bignell
> tape. (The cut dialogue is isolated by square brackets and printed in
> bold.)
Interesting. How did you come by these transcripts?
Richard
l...@mailcity.com
I know what you mean about it's validity. I was sceptical as the
source was a friend of a friends cousin's friend... However I showed
it to my dad who has been in the audience at one of the recordings for
the show (not this episode) and he felt it looked genuine. Apparently
there was about half an hour of unseen footage and a lot of that was
as extreme as this.
I make no claims that this is genuine but if it's a fake it's very
well done.
On Sun, 16 Jul 2000 12:15:20 +0100, "T(NT)"
<goat...@prioryv.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>In article <3971504b...@news.lineone.net>, l...@mailcity.com writt
>>Have I Got News For You
>>
>>Series 17, Show 7
>>
>>Recorded 27/5/99 for transmission on 28/5/99
>>Guests: Sir James Saville OBE, Diane Abbott MP
>>Prog No: 06/HGT/SW76Q
>>Running time: 102'46'03 (Edited to 28'54)
>>Producer: Giles Pilbrow, Hat Trick 1999
>>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>----
>>
>>
>>Here are some extracts from an unedited Have I Got News For You rushes
>>tape. (The cut dialogue is isolated by square brackets and printed in
>>bold.)
>
><snip>
>
>Sounds like someone's taken the script and inserted made-up stuff, but
>interesting none-the-less. Seems a little too extreme to be believable
>--
> T(NT) | +First goat in space+ | Music maker & goat-keeper |
>| zasha |
> "Crap TV is the last refuge of a drunkard" - Er..
>| VES' MIR NE PEREYEBIOSH' | RYDW I EISIAU DAFAD YN Y GWELY |
Jeannemarie Tracey
>
> Here are some extracts from an unedited Have I Got News For You rushes
> tape. (The cut dialogue is isolated by square brackets and printed in
> bold.)
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Hi all,
I forwarded the post to a friend who is a big HIGNFY fan. Here's what she
wrote back to me:
"According to the Stand up's newsgroup, it's a big fake, started as a joke
on
someone's website (with a clear disclaimer that it was a joke) and then
copied and passed on as the real thing. HIGNFY urban legend!"
So, looks like it's a hoax....
JT
alf
>
>I know what you mean about it's validity. I was sceptical as the
>source was a friend of a friends cousin's friend... However I showed
>it to my dad who has been in the audience at one of the recordings for
>the show (not this episode) and he felt it looked genuine. Apparently
>there was about half an hour of unseen footage and a lot of that was
>as extreme as this.
>
>I make no claims that this is genuine but if it's a fake it's very
>well done.
>
I may have missed some of this thread, but do you have a copy of the
actual rushes tape, or a copy of a transcript from the rushes?
alf
***************************
remove alfredo dot to reply
l...@mailcity.com
<jttr...@worldnet.att.net> wrote:
>>
>>
>> Here are some extracts from an unedited Have I Got News For You rushes
>> tape. (The cut dialogue is isolated by square brackets and printed in
>> bold.)
>>
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
>-
>
>Hi all,
>
>I forwarded the post to a friend who is a big HIGNFY fan. Here's what she
>wrote back to me:
>
>"According to the Stand up's newsgroup, it's a big fake, started as a joke
>on
>someone's website (with a clear disclaimer that it was a joke) and then
>copied and passed on as the real thing. HIGNFY urban legend!"
>
>So, looks like it's a hoax....
>
>JT
>
>
>
That's interesting. Would your friend have the link to the site?
Jeannemarie Tracey
news:39726bd...@news.free-online.net...
I just asked her and she sent me a couple of old messages from that
newsgroup.
1 - Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 19:48:35 +0100
From: "Stephen Grant" <stephe...@gmx.net>
Subject: Sorry to have to piss on your fires....
The Have I Got News For You story is unfortunately rather 'over
embellished'. I've just been in a meeting at BBC TVC with Rob Collie, who
writes HIGNFY, and the first outtake is true; but the second and third ones
have been 'invented' after the first two or three quotes.
And apparently (though Rob isn't 100% on this) Phil Davey wasn't warm up on
that show. He thinks it was Dominic Holland.
I wish it could have been true - ah well.
Stephen
AND --
2 - Date: Fri, 14 Jul 2000 18:14:55 +0100
From: Jayne Gross <Ja...@TRAVERSE.co.uk>
Subject: Jimmy Saville fake
OK comedy conspiracy theorists.
I posted that the HIGNFY stuff might not be fake on another website and
got the following info back.
The transcript was originated on a web-site called 'The Corpses' who did
it as a joke and it
just kind of got a life of its own.
-----
My pal then did a little research and she came up with the site:
http://www.notbbc.co.uk/corpses/ but apparently the story is no longer
there. Hmmmff.
JT