A MSTing I found from alt.books.anne-rice
Ed Dravecky III
express written consent of Major League Baseball, okay? If you
enjoy it, write la...@columbia.edu as she is the author.
[ Article crossposted from alt.humor.best-of-usenet ]
[ Posted on 1 Mar 1995 23:59:26 GMT ]
>From: Laura Ann <la...@columbia.edu>
>Newgroups: alt.books.anne-rice
>Subject: Re: <ad> GUARANTEED CREDIT REPAIR BY LAW FIRM
Ok darling dears, there was no way I was going to let this one slip by.
I now present to you "If VampChron met MST3K" for your viewing enjoyment.
--Laura Ann
-------------------------------------
6..... 5.... 4..... 3..... 2..... 1....
LESTAT: Ok, Louis, now I've taught you how to read mail, how to subscribe
to newsgroups...
ARMAND: How to finger...
LESTAT: Shut up and mind your own business! Now I'm going to teach you
how to flame.
DANIEL: Isn't there a course on that at the Learning Annex?
LESTAT: I'm sure I don't know. Now, do you understand the process Louis?
LOUIS: I think so. What we have before us is called a "spam" and is highly
looked down upon and therefore worthy of flame.
LESTAT: Correct.
LOUIS: Why to they call it a spam?
DANIEL: It's an old Monty Python gag.
LOUIS: I see. And what do you call someone who spams?
ARMAND: An annoying, dickless wonder.
DANIEL: What if they're female?
LESTAT: More's the pity.
ARMAND: Quiet, it's starting!
> Consumer Credit Advocates, PC
> 11 Pennsylvania Plaza, Suite 2101
> New York, NY 10001
> (212) 629-5261 (telephone) (212) 629-4762 (fax)
> E-MAIL: cc...@cyber.sell.com
LESTAT: Not terribly bright of them to tell us where they work now is it?
The next time I'm feeling peckish I could just go over there and
wipe out the whole accounting department.
ARMAND: They'd bore you to death first.
> Our LAW FIRM
LOUIS: Why are they shouting?
DANIEL: You might as well ask why are they spamming.
LOUIS: Why *are* they spamming?
LESTAT: I'm guessing lack of a real hobby.
> offers direct guaranteed effective credit
> restoration services by experienced attorneys.
DANIEL: Unlike those other places that offer guaranteed ineffective credit
restoration by moronic attorneys.
> THIS IS NOT A DO-IT-YOURSELF KIT.
LESTAT: Oh darn. And here I was saying to myself "If only some idiot could
offer me a do-it-yourself credit kit via e-mail."
> What can we do?
LOUIS: It occurs to me that if they have to ask *us* what their skills are
perhaps they are not the best people for the job.
> We have successfully facilitated the removal of Late
> Payments, Charge-offs, Foreclosures, Repossessions,
> Collection Accounts, Loan Defaults, Tax Liens, Judgments
> and Bankruptcies from our clients' credit reports.
DANIEL: It's amazing what a bottle of white-out can do.
> WE GUARANTEE THAT YOUR CREDIT CAN BE RESTORED!!!
ALL: *Stop* that!
> Who needs our services?
LOUIS: Again, if *they* have to ask...
> Anyone who has experienced the inconvenience and
> embarrassment of being turned down for a credit card, a
> lease or a purchase of an automobile.
LESTAT: Hey Armand, have you ever experienced the inconvenience and
embarrassment of being turned down for a credit card, a lease or a
purchase of an automobile?
ARMAND: Oh all the time. It's amazing how having a few million tucked away
makes banks unwilling to trust you.
LOUIS: It's good to know that they did their research and found the right
target audience for this post.
> Anyone who is unable to buy the house of their dreams
> due to denial of a mortgage application or who has to
> pay thousands of dollars more in mortgage interest than
> someone with good credit.
DANIEL: Should probably look elsewhere for good advice.
ARMAND: I think this would fall under the catagory of Social Darwinism.
> Anyone who has been turned down for a job or promotion
> due to derogatory credit items on a credit report.
LESTAT: What's a derogatory credit item?
ARMAND: Something like "You owe us $500 you stupid jerk."
LESTAT: Ah.
> Anyone in business who has lost a deal because a person
> or firm wanted to see his/her credit report before
> doing business.
LESTAT: Mojo did his business on the rug the other day yet I felt no need
to check his credit report first.
LOUIS: I don't think that's what they meant, Lestat.
> Anyone who has been unable to establish credit.
DANIEL: Let's see... someone out there actually needs help from a spam
and yet they've been unable to have a responsible financial career?
Who would have thought?
> THE FOUR GREAT MYTHS OF CREDIT:
ARMAND: #1.. This firm will help you.
LESTAT: I thought number one was the larch.
DANIEL: No, it's the bearded guy on Star Trek.
LOUIS: I think that covers the required subreferences for flames.
LESTAT: Indeed.
> Myth #1: It is illegal or immoral to have your credit
> report cleared.
LESTAT: It is?
LOUIS: Yes, the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not have thy credit report
cleared.
DANIEL: Did they have credit reports back then?
LOUIS: Not really, but God was thinking ahead.
> Fact: It is not illegal nor immoral. In fact,
> that is what the Fair Credit Reporting Act is all
> about. The act was enacted by Congress in 1971.
ARMAND: And here I thought my tax dollars were going to waste.
LESTAT: You pay taxes?
ARMAND: Well no, but I was speaking in theory.
> One of its purposes as to give consumers the
> protection of the law and to help guard against
> any unwarranted invasion of a consumer's right to
> privacy.
DANIEL: The other purpose involved this weird idea about animals and
porno flicks. That's democracy for you.
> Myth #2: The information on a credit report cannot be
> changed.
LESTAT: Where are they getting these myths from anyway? I've never heard
of them.
ARMAND: Gee, Lestat, are you trying to imply that this poster is making
it up as they go along?
ALL: Nooooo...
> Fact: Actually, the opposite is true under the
> Fair Credit Reporting Act. Federal and State laws
> require that items be removed if they are not 100%
> accurate or cannot be verified in a timely
> manner.
LESTAT: I'm confused. Is it the opposite of the fact that's true under the
Act or is the fact that it's the opposite of the myth which is
the fact?
ARMAND: I think that the fact about the opposite of the myth is actually true
provided that the myth of the fact is 100% accurate and/or you
are verifying it in a timely manner and you are a joint couple
filing singly.
LESTAT: Ok then.
> Myth #3: It is impossible to get a bankruptcy off a
> credit report.
DANIEL: Now that *is* a myth. A little club soda does wonders for getting
bankruptcy off credit reports *and* fine washables.
> Fact: Bankruptcies can come off credit reports
> like any other derogatory item.
ARMAND: Which is to say, not at all if you use this firm.
> The nature of the derogatory item has nothing to do with its removal
> under the Fair Credit Reporting Act.
ARMAND: Neither does the hiring of this firm, but I repeat myself.
LESTAT: Spam will do that to you.
DANIEL: Ewwww.
> Myth #4: Credit Reporting Agencies are empowered with
> some kind of governmental authority.
LOUIS: Would it be overly cynical to ask if the *government* was empowered
with some kind of governmental authority?
DANIEL: I think so.
LOUIS: Ok then, I won't mention it.
> Fact: Absolutely Not!! They are simply large
> corporations whose primary goal is to make a
> profit like any other business.
LESTAT: Oh God, this isn't Make.Money.Fast again is it!?!
ARMAND: I don't think so. This doesn't look like it was posted by a high
school freshman with far too much time on his hands.
ALL: Whew!
> If you have ever applied for or received credit, a file
> exists in one or more of the credit bureaus.
ARMAND: Not necessarily a file about *you*, just a random file that exists.
LESTAT: Files? Is a credit bureau like the Talamasca?
DANIEL: No, credit bureaus are much older yet surprisingly infinately less
interesting.
> These companies collect, store and distribute as much credit
> information as they can find,
LESTAT: Which I'm sure makes their employees simply facinating to talk to
at parties.
> retaining negative information on a credit report for 7 to 10 years.
DANIEL: <imitating a Midol commercial> My credit report feels so achy and
bloated.
LESTAT: Well, once a month a credit report retains about 7 to 10 years
worth of negative information.
DANIEL: Does this mean my credit report is becoming a woman now?
ARMAND: Oh be quiet!
> This information is evaluated by potential creditors to
> determine your credit worthiness.
ALL: <imitating Wanye's World> OUR CREDIT'S NOT WORTHY! OUR CREDIT'S NOT
WORTHY!
> Credit reporting agencies are in business to protect
> the interests of the creditors.
LESTAT: And because they failed out of a real law school.
LOUIS: That's not very nice.
LESTAT: Oh come on, Louis, they deserve it!
LOUIS: No, I meant your insult, I thought you could do better.
LESTAT: Sorry, all this drivel is making me tired. I'll try harder next
time.
> the LAW FIRM's
LOUIS: *Again* with the shouting.
> goal is
> to help and protect the individual consumer from
> inaccurate credit reporting.
LESTAT: And to get back at all those frat guys who beat us up and stole our
pocket protectors.
LOUIS: That's more like it.
> The president of our LAW FIRM
DANIEL: Insert your own gratuitous Hair Club for Men joke here.
> has been practicing consumer law since 1984.
ARMAND: He's not very good at it, but he's practicing.
> The staff of our firm has
> successfully processed, disputed and challenged
> thousands of client credit reports.
LOUIS: I notice that they don't say that they *won*, only that they did the
paperwork.
LESTAT: Well even *I* know about the laws of false advertising.
> Our legal fee is based o the number of negative items
DANIEL: What is this, the 90s version of the Star Spangled Banner?
o/~ O the number of negative items... o/~
ARMAND: Never, ever do that again or I may have to hurt you.
DANIEL: Promises, promises.
> that appear on a client's credit reports, issued b the
LOUIS: I don't know about you, but it's the companies with the spelling
errors in their posts that really get my confidence going.
> three national credit bureaus. Our retainer agreement
> offers a MONEY BACK GUARANTEE
DANIEL: Let's hear it for the caps lock key ladies and gentlemen!
LESTAT: God, it's like back in the 80s when everyone discovered how to change
fonts on their word processors and they started creating the
equivilant of computer ransom notes.
LOUIS: I was thinking that this was more like the first draft of that
infinate number of monkeys and typewriters experiment.
> stating that if any negative item is not deleted, upgraded or corrected
> from a client's credit file,
ARMAND: Tough luck sucker!
> it will give the client a
> full refund for that item or continue to process the
> client's file at no additional fee until that item is
> corrected, upgraded or deleted.
LESTAT: Or until our firm goes out of business. No prize for guessing
which will come first.
> THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO LOSE IS YOUR BAD CREDIT!!
DANIEL: And perhaps any once of pride you had left in your body so go for
it folks!
LESTAT: They wouldn't dare keep this shouting up would they?
LOUIS: Yeah, and I was a virgin when you met me.
LESTAT: *What*?
LOUIS: We'll talk about it later.
> PLEASE
LOUIS: Told you.
> CONTACT THE
LESTAT: Nearest hitman you can find and send him to this
> LAW FIRM AND
ARMAND: Tell him to
> LEAVE
DANIEL: A trail of corpses behind him.
LOUIS: Sigh, dare to dream.
> YOUR FULL NAME, MAILING ADDRESS AND TELEPHONE NUMBER SO WE MAY FORWARD
> FURTHER INFORMATION AND INSTRUCTIONS TO YOU ABOUT OUR
> SERVICE.
LESTAT: Oh yeah, I've got nothing better to do with my time than to have you
guys call me up five times a day to give me the same message.
LOUIS: Is that how many times they posted this?
DANIEL: I think they posted it at least three times on every newsgroup.
LOUIS: Which is roughly...?
ARMAND: Twelve times too many.
> Consumer Credit Advocates, PC
> 11 Pennsylvania Plaza, Suite 2101
> New York, NY 10001
> (212) 629-5261 (telephone) (212) 629-4762 (fax)
LESTAT: Boy, they're really asking for it aren't they?
LOUIS: Well, it's that Social Darwinism again.
> E-MAIL: cc...@cyber.sell.com
DANIEL: Look at that, their e-mail address.
LOUIS: So it is.
LESTAT: Yup, their e-mail address.
ARMAND: Uh-huh.
LOUIS: Not that we would *ever* suggest spamming them in return.
DANIEL: Or sending them a virus.
LESTAT: Or stealing all their records.
ARMAND: Or shutting down their system.
LOUIS: Nope.
DANIEL: Never.
LESTAT: Not in a million years.
ARMAND: Perish the thought.
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Ed Dravecky III is: >> This is a test. In the event of an actual .sig,
dshe...@netcom.com >> you would have been instructed to just relax...