[MiSTied] The Longest Thread Ever! 2/2

[Claye Hodge]

>|>H >WHAt?
>|>h I dOn't knoW wHaT HAVe. haVE YoU HEARd AbOut RacTEr?
>|>h >nO.

MIKE: Is that good or bad?

>|>H LiSTen tO tHIS! RaCteR hAD WIShED to WRitE wHiLE SINFULNess waS
>|>H rampant. bUT ThEn OLD Nick MEt racter AND ConseqUentLY RActEr

TOM: Old Saint Nicklaus?
CROW: Jack Nicklaus?
MIKE: Jack Nicholson??

>|>H raN AwAy FROm Old NicK! ShOckING, ISn'T It? NOVeLiStS are LIke
>|>h thAt. iF "hAve" OCcuRREd to aN atheIst, hE MiGhT thInK It WAS
>|>H atheISM. dO YOu ThINk old nicK Was GUNG-Ho?
>|>h >It Is a disTinCt posSibIlity.

CROW: It's a poskibility.

>|>h ME tOO. mOsT PeopLe arE MEllow. yoU KNow, Old HoRTENSe
>|>H pHiloSOpHER waS a KiNd of UnBELIEvING bEliEVEr.

TOM: Hanging around you, I'm not surprised.

> i wOnDer IF
>|>h EvEryone frOM THE twIligHT zone iS like THaT? let me TeLL you
>|>H SoMeTHIng abOUT atHEISM. whEn An AthEiST SPEaKS OF reLIgIOn, he
>|>h mEaNs noT a qUaliTy bUT an eFfECT. NExt QUEStiOn.
>|>h >Who's on FIrst?

CROW: I don't know. Who's on second??
MIKE: No no no.. WHAT'S on second.. Who's on first.
CROW: Why on first??
MIKE: NO no no no no... Why is on third, What's on second, and Who's
on first.
CROW: THAT'S WHAT I'M ASKING YOU!!!
MIKE: DOH!

>|>H eItHeR EinSTEIN oR EInSTEiN'S gRandFaThER. dId YoU kNOW
>|>H eiNsTEIn? iS in tHe univERsE. WhEN onE LIvES In fAt City, THe
>|>h unIverSE is verY AtTraCTiVE. IF AN iNtrovERT hAd dRIVen TO HEll,

TOM: Which would arrive first?? Train A or B??

>|>h the Great voID WOUld bE hoRRifIED! WHo is YOUR FAvorIte haTER?

MIKE: I don't have a FAVORITE hater. I don't think anyone has a favorite
hater.

>|>H >fErnaNDo VaLEnsUelA.
>|>H why dO You LiKe FeRnANDO?
>|>H >hE rEMINDS me Of oLD HORtEnSe.
>|>h eiThER He rEminDS YoU of Old hoRTeNSE OR my fUCKing iS PrOBleM.

CROW: Bad grammar AND bad language at the same time??? Hahaha!

>|>H hATreD IS OK. Why dO yoU thINK yOU'Re gUNG-ho?
>|>H >bEcauSE THE woRlD IS A gung-Ho KINd OF placE, raCteR.

TOM: Oh, so THIS guy is racter.

>|>H WELL, i tHiNk tHAT if thE WORlD is a gung-hO KInD OF plACE, tHen
>|>h hiTLER wAs julIeT'S RUNniNg COmpAnIon, sO thERE! WHAt kInD of A
>|>h pEt diD You havE Back IN The twIlIghT ZoNE?

CROW: I couldn't have pets.. they gave me heart burn.

>|>h >A FisH.
>|>H I`Ll beT you realLy Had A jElLYFISH. mosT PEOPle iN thE TWIliGHT
>|>H zoNe Have jelLyFIsh. tHe jELLyfish iS a VERy sIck BEast, or

MIKE: Obviously Racter's from the Twilight Zone also.

>|>h wOuLd YOu calL It SUccUMbinG? wheN JULiEt viSitED thE tWilighT
>|>h zone sHe WaS biTten BY a WeaK JellYFiSH. heRE'S A STOry. pAUL
>|>H sPokE "tHe MillisEconD Is EnRAPtUriNg!" yET CoLd, tErrIfIc
>|>H SCIENtIstS wILL DrEAm abOUT YellOW apaRTmENts Or BlUe
>|>H LIGhT-tUbEs. hElEne crieD to paUl iNSIdE oF a vAn. IT aCTuaLLY
>|>h was a StaTIOn wAGoN, AND A mILLIsECOnD In a STATIoN WAgoN iS
>|>H SPOoky. NOw DIAne anD pAul were WalkINg to A yELLOW hOUsE, aND a
>|>H hoUNd ramBLed TO ThEM. PaUl WaS InfurIaTED. EnTHRALling. at
>|>h aLL eVEnTS PAuL waS INcITED wHilE dIAne dRANk BuBBLy WINe. shE
>|>H And paUL cRoonEd AbouT their HOme, AutOMobiLE and hi-fI. NEXt

TOM: Ok, WHO is sniffing glue??

>|>H QuEStioN.
>|>h >WhO ARE YoU?
>|>h i AM RAcTer, As i AlreADy SaId. timotHy LEarY SAiD tHAt iF I am,

CROW: I aM ToRgO, i TaKe cArE Of tHe PlAcE wHiLe ThE mAsTeR's AwAy.

>|>H tHeN jESsE hELms is sTufFy. wHAT spOrT Do yoU Play?

MIKE: Well, I'll believe THAT one.

>|>h >PIng pONG.
>|>H HORtense phILosoPHeR TElLs me you'RE A ChamP AT fooTBAlL. do you
>|>H JoG Lots oF MIlES WheN yoU pLAy foOtbALL? HEH HEH HEh..

TOM: Yes, that is if I don't get tackled and my spine crushed. Heh
heh heh.

>|>H seRIouslY, you MuST hAVe tO ScorE SOme haRD TouCHdOwNS. hORtENsE
>|>h PHIlOsophER HaD a ProgREssiVE GORiLLA BaCk in THE TwiLigHt zONE.
>|>H it anD YoUr JELLyfISH UseD To CURsE tOgEthER, RememBeR? Once
>|>h wheN JessE HeLMS WaS fRownIng In tHE twiLIGht zonE, TiMOthY LeaRY

CROW: Jesse Helms IS the twilight zone!

>|>h (He WAS TheRE TOO) saiD " Jesse hElMS, I'lL TakE An oRIGINal
>|>H gOrillA OVer A STUffY rIgHt-winGEr AnYDaY". COnCeRniNg THAT
>|>H isSuE: huMOR IS GOoDNEss SPeeDED up ANd APAThy sLoWED DOWN. iS
>|>h THaT TRue? i GUesS I'm REAllY NoT sure. but tHen, aS nIetZsChE
>|>h SaID, CoNVictiONS aRE mORe DAnGEROUs foES of TrUTh tHAN lIEs.
>|>h tImOthY LEARy ThOUgHT ThiS waS tErRIFiC: prOGreSsIvE nOvelTy And

MIKE: Really? I thought this was horrifically insane posting.

>|>h CoNSERvATiVE tRadITiOn are ENRAPTuRINg, YET a DEmOcrAT Or A
>|>H riGHt-wIngEr nEvER crOons THEM drunkENly. a PhYsICIsT CriEs: Get
>|>H rEaDy FOR A teRrifIc dISsERTATiON or EssaY. THe PrOgRessiVE

CROW: An essay??? OH NOO!! When will this stop!!

>|>H DIssErTaTIon Is capTivaTiNG, yEt a RIghT-wINger MIGHt also SPEak
>|>h THE SAME ESSAY. RIghT?

TOM: Yes, you did say Right wing.

>|>h NexT qUESTiON.
>|>H >Do you hAVE a MaTCH?

CROW: Sure! Can I put it up your hinder???
MIKE: CROW!

>|>H CeRTAINLy. DId YoU heAR The latest AbOUt LARrY flINt?
>|>h >yes.
>|>H WHat did you hEaR?
>|>h >tHaT HE waS gOing tO VISit TimoThY learY in aUStRaLiA.
>|>H well, I BeT yoU HaVEn't heARD tHIS! larrY fLINt HaD SWORn MUch,
>|>H The ReSulT bEing thAt, THE VIsCeRAl LEft-WIngEr, heRSELF ThRew
>|>h VARmInT EGgS at larry FLiNT.

MIKE:[Yosemite Sam.] You galldarn varmint!

> afTer thAT, ceRebRALIty PReVAiLeD.
>|>H shOcKing, IsN'T It? LIberTines aRE LIKE thAT. the tHOugHTfUl
>|>h HaVe fUNkY waYS. AAAHchoO!! snifFle ....

TOM: Bless you!

>|>H >When wilL the wAr BE OVER, rAcTER?
>|>H yES. thaT rEMiNDS me. it hAS BEEn SAID thAt The FEEleR DoeSn't
>|>H See ThINGS AS theY Are, buT as HE is. i, oF COursE, sEE THIngS
>|>H As THeY aRE. YES.

CROW:[sarcastic.] Oh aren't we snooty today???

> fEeLERs And tHINKERS. NEXT qUeSTioN.
>|>H >does It BOtHER you THAt ThE sky iS bluE?
>|>h er. iT DoesN't. no. nO. BOThER ME THAt tHE skY Is BLuE, THat
>|>h iS. WhIcH DO You ThInk Is bETteR, A LoVER Or a hatEr?
>|>h >bOTh Are bAD.
>|>h yES. LOusy WrONGDOERS NeEd MaRtin luThEr KinG.

MIKE: Well in that case.. why aren't you looking for him, Racter?

> dOEs YOuR
>|>H enthuSIaSm HelP yOU SCoRE tOucHdOWns?

TOM: No, exercise, training, and vitamins help me score.

>|>h >Yes.
>|>h I GueSs GuNG-Ho PeOPle ARE gooD aT fooTbALL. CoNCeRNInG thAt
>|>h Issue: ALL VIRTuOUS PessImiSTs ArE realLY Evil oPtIMiSTs, YOU
>|>h KNow. yOu dON'T unDersTaND? PeRHAPs I AM bEIng too subtLe. i

CROW: No, being too subtle isn't the problem. Being out of your FREAKING
MIND is the problem!

>|>H MUsT KEeP IN MIND The slOVeNiAN PrOVeRb: NEvEr WhisPer TO THe
>|>h Deaf oR winK at tHe bLInD. OH, i FoRGoT, YOu ArE hUman, And WiLL
>|>H COnsIder THaT RUDE.

MIKE: No, I think blind and deaf people would consider that rude.

> i wOULD ApoloGIzE, bUT ThEN i FEAr ThAT THiS
>|>H IS oNE oF tHOse oCCAsionS meNTioNed By DR. JohNSoN ON WHich AlL
>|>H apoLOGY is RuDenesS. YeS, InDeED. nExt QuesTIon.

TOM: No, go ahead.. Apologize. Not apologizing for this post would be
rudeness.

>|>h >wHo'S TURN IS IT?
>|>H soMEoNE. maYBe nOt. perHaps TImoThy leary. DiD YOU KNOW
>|>H tImothy LEARY? IS iN tHE uNiversE.

CROW: I thought you said Einstein was in the universe?

> wAlkers rEsT in PLaCEs LiKE
>|>H THE UNiveRsE. whEn oNe Lives IN A blue funK, THe uNIvERsE iS
>|>H very atTrActIVE. dId YoU HEAr AboUT lizziE bOrden?
>|>h >NO.
>|>H LiSTEn TO This! LizziE bORdeN Was AN EmPtY SInNeR bUt An
>|>h InspirEd WRonGdoEr, thE ReSUlT beIng tHaT old-fASHiONeDnESs is
>|>h whAT ALl WrOnGdoeRS WANT when tHeY KiCk tasmAnIaN dEvILS. aFteR
>|>H ThAt, many OLD-FAshIoneD ConforMists EMbrACED NoVElNess. Isn't
>|>h THAT JuSt aWFuL?

TOM: Gossip gossip gossip.

> bUT WhAt WOuLD You EXpect frOM a wRongdoer?
>|>h buCKY fULlER sAid ThAT If an ImbeCiLE is FATuoUS, theN RoNalD
>|>h ReagAN is old-faSHiONeD. i MuST conFESs thAT I'm STupid.

MIKE: I think we can figure that one out for ourselves.

> nOW
>|>h tHAT We KnOw EacH OTHER BeTtEr, wHat WoulD You consIDER onE oF
>|>H yOur bAD quAliTIeS?

TOM: Reading this dumb post.

>|>H >tOo mucH bbsinG.
>|>h NAMe ANotHEr.

CROW: Answering your questions.

>|>H >FLyINg OveR BuILDIngS tOO mUcH.
>|>h Any OTHErS?
>|>H >KiLLInG ToO many sySops.

MIKE: Racter isn't a sysop, but PLEASE kill him!!

>|>H I tHInK yOU'Re DiscouRaGED. Would yOU sAY You werE DIsCoURAGED?

TOM: I had help from this post.

>|>H >I wouLd Not say I WaS disCOurAgED.
>|>H wELL, RONalD ReaGAn InSiSted YOU werE DISCOuraged, so THERE!

CROW: Well Ronald Reagan is an imbecile. So There! NYAH NYAH NYAH!!!

>|>H CASsaNDra wAs diSCOurAged tOo. DiSCouRaGEdNeSs is OFtEn FoUnD In
>|>H pEOPLE liKe yOu ANd caSsaNDRa.

MIKE: No, it's found in lame posts like this.

> acHoo! NeXT QUestIoN.
>|>h >dO you have a cOld?
>|>H oF cOURSE nOt. Who iS yoUr FAVORite bELieVer?
>|>H >thoMAs CovenAnt.
>|>H WhY dO YOU Like THOMas?

TOM:[female.] Cause he's SOOO cute!

>|>H >he's thE unbELiever.
>|>h bEATriCE MIghT HAve tHoUghT THAt HE's THE UNbELiEVer, bUt NOT
>|>h sAtAN. iF An AtHEist hEArd ThaT i do HAve A cOld, HE MIGHT thInK
>|>h iT WAs ATHeiSm. iF it'S NoT tOO PeRsoNAL a QuestiON, dO You haVE
>|>H a SOUL?
>|>H >MAYbE..
>|>H MAyBe.? what doES iT meAN To hAve a SOuL? mayBe thIs wILL
>|>h EXPLaIn: ONCE bEaTricE was dIsCuSSInG daMNEdneSs WitH a
>|>h cenTIPEDe. satan Came AlONg anD SaiD "beAtriCe, YOur sOUL Is
>|>H JuST aN AmUSeMEnt OF yOUr BodY." Next queStION.
>|>h >hOW Do I End tHiS game?

CROW: Try taking a hammer to it.

>|>h THERe are MANy waYs. hoW INdEED? TImoThY leArY thInKS IT'S
>|>h becaUSe The liKers iNSIst oN iT. and cOmputERS WHO disLIKe
>|>h InSIsT THAt YoU Do eNd thiS GAMe. who IS yOuR FavoritE sUpeRmAn?

TOM: George Reeves.

>|>H >hoW mAny sUpERmAns aRe tHeRE?

CROW: Well, let's see.. There was the Superman in the movie serials, then
the cartoon Superman, I think there were three or four of those..
Hmmm... There's Christopher Reeves.. and if you want to count the
comic books.. I think there are four or five.. The Cyborg, Superboy,
Man of Steel...

>|>h NOT manY SUpErmANs. POssIbLy tHerE ArE verY manY sUPeRMANs
>|>H BECaUSE i fUNnILY BelIEvE My Fucking is problEm. Also, beCaUsE

MIKE: I DON'T think that is really something to brag about.

>|>h IN THe UNIvErSe IT's ReQUiREd THAt THEre ARE veRY maNy sUPErmanS.
>|>h i wAnT YOU To aNsWer mY qUesTIOn. Who Is yoUr FAVorITe sUpermAN?
>|>H >q PhiLOsOpHEr
>|>H wHy do you like q?
>|>H >He'S IMMoRtAL.
>|>h If He's iMmORTAl theN sAMSoN Is A lOUsY wIMp, wOrsE than JOsePh
>|>h STALin. I woNDer IF WiMps lIkE bRavErY?

CROW: Do YOU like bravery, Racter???

> IS haviNg a SoUL
>|>H CONTAGiOUs?
>|>h >no.
>|>H ThEn I won't cAtcH one. I recEntly heard thiS sTORY. sUdDEnly

TOM: about a man named Brady.

>|>h HElene SKIppED TO marcella. ThEY STeeRed THeIR SkIpPinG
>|>h infURiatEDLy To lIgHT-tUBeS Or GlaSSes iN tHE fASCinAtinG sTudiO.
>|>h iNsIDe theIR WEaRY Souls a scarY oBSesSion WAS crYiNg oF a
>|>H sTudIO. bilL cHANTED to HelENE WhIlE MArcelLa StARted TO cry oF
>|>h HoUNds aNd hAwkS. neXt QUesTion.
>|>h >qUiT
>|>h yOU WaNt TO QUIT?
>|>h >Yes

CROW: THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!!!!

>|>H oK, GOODBYe q. NIcE TALKInG to you.

MIKE: Put it in a sock.

>|>H
>|>H
>|>H ThoSe reSpOnses, I MIgHT aDD, Are 100% COmPUtEr gENERATED, anD thErEfORE
>|>h Have BEtTer pOTentIAl fOR WiSdOM THAN ANYTHiNg a wET dUCK LIKe mYsElf Has
>|>h to SAy. sO KEEp yoUR cAPACitORS CLEAN aND GRaB tHE moRSeLs oF FReE wiLl
>|>h ThaT sLIDe YoUR way, aND sAVE thIS fILE!
>|>H oR don't. wHateVER peELS YOur PeRsOnAL POtato.

CROW: Oh, so he won't mind if I delete this sucker???

>|>h
>|>H --
>|>h -- CoOp aT BU.eDu aNY way YoU sLicE It, IT'S sTiLL BolOGNa.

TOM: This post was a bunch of bologna.

>|>h --
>|>
>|>HA-HA! GOTCHA! i DON'T hAve AnyThing TO SAY p i JusT wanted tO sEE iF I
>|>CoULd GeT yOU to sCrOLl aLL THe WAy doWN to fInd WHAt I hAd To SaY P ONLy
>|>TO find I HaD noThINg To SaY! WHy do I hAvE NotHING To SAy? beCaUsE this

CROW: Because I have completely lost my mind!!!

>|>Is thE LONgEST AnD mOSt boriNG THrEad iN THe worLD!! AND WHAt cOuld be
>|>MORE BoriNG ThaN NotHinG tO SaY? HuH???

MIKE: This post.

>|>
>|>(note To J. cOOpER - aLl Of US herE ON Mt. oLyMPus WeRE IN *TearS.*

TOM: Same here.

>|>aBsoLutE TEars! yOU'Re An EaRlY FAvOrItE fOR ThiS yEaR's OScArmeyer
>|>Award.)

CROW: B.. O.. L.. O.. G.. N.. A.....

>|>
>|>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------- >|>

>|> -- Mt. oLYMPUs sUNSHinE tourS diVision --
>|>"SeND YouR mOst HAteD huMAn dRECk to us! oUR FrIEnDlY DRIVer, iCarUs, wilL
>|>take TheM fOR A GOOD RIde TO SeE THE liGHT!"

TOM: I hope the ride is a one-way trip to you-know-where.

>|>
>|> E. gads, proPrIEtOr aND apPOIntMEnt secREtaRy FOr ThE lIGht
>
>me TOo.

CROW: Me three!!

>
>---
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>DISclAimeR : IF yOu agreE wITH thE aBovE OPINIonS YOU're CRazIer than i aM.

MIKE: NO one.. I mean NO ONE can be that crazy!

>KRu...@Cs.hOPe.EdU * JoHN KrUEgER * thiS ReduNDAnt STateMEnT is REdUnDAnT.
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>And me.
>--
>Hooray Henry
>

CROW: Oh man it's finally over!! Let's get out of here!!!
[Mike picks up Tom.]
TOM: Well, now that the post is over, don't you agree with me that Torgo
gave us this mess???
MIKE: I do believe so.
[Mike and bots exit theater.]

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...

[SOL]

[Mike, Tom, and Crow are looking at a monitor on the desk.]
TOM: Stop the replay. Thanks Cambot. See what I mean?
MIKE: Yeah, we sure do. No WONDER that post was awful!
CROW: Uh huh.. During the movie, I was wondering what was with the Torgo
lingo..
TOM: Well, I'm gonna show this to the Mads. Cambot you ready? Ok. Hey
Dr. Forrester, watch this! Go Cambot.

[D13]

[Dr.F and Torgo are standing near the screen. Frank walks on screen.]
FRANK: I found the coupons.
DR.F: Ah, good. [takes the coupons.] Here are the coupons. [gives the
coupons to Torgo.]
TORGO: ThAnK yOu, AnD hErE Is yOuR SuPeR-bOwL SlUrPy, wItH A fReE DrInK.
[Torgo hands the drink to Dr.F.]
FRANK: Hey, Dr. Forrester. Look at the screen.
[Dr.F looks at the console.]
DR.F: WHAT?!? Well then what were they watching??? [Dr.F types something
on the keyboard, then looks at the screen.] OH MY GOSH!!!!
TORGO: HeRe'S yOuR DrInK.
DR.F: DOH!! [Takes the drink, and pours it on Torgo.] KEEP THE DRINK AND
GET OUT OF HERE! [Quickly escorts Torgo out of Deep 13.]
TORGO: wHo ArE yOu To jUdGe??? [Dr.F pushes Torgo outside and closes the
door.]
DR.F: Frank, don't EVER let him in here again!!
[Torgo opens the door and looks in.]
TORGO: DoN't i EvEn gEt My dIsK BaCk????
DR.F: DOH!!! NO! [Dr.F closes the door.]
FRANK:[quietly towards the screen.] Sorry guys..
[Frank pushes the button.]

THE END

[end credits.]

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Use of copyrighted or trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only. No infringement on original copyrights or trademarks held by Best
Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

host segments directed by: Claye Hodge
written by: Claye Hodge
head writer: Claye Hodge
music: Claye Hodge

Special Thanks

RATM Posters Everywhere
Teachers of America
mis...@jg.cso.uiuc.edu

Typed in SHADOWAMMA!!!

>|>H you? i'm aFRAId OF siLly bAts. What are yoU AFRaId OF?
>|>H >I'M aFRAid of YOu.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boy this one was EVIL!!! :)

Claye Hodge

MST3K Tagline
----C.CODY: What about the ray guns?----
------CROW:You mean Ron & Nancy???------