MiSTied: "Scrabble"
Kelly Donaghue
This is my first attempt at a MiSTing. I am looking forward to any and
all comments (good and bad). If you have any suggestions,
WRITE THEM DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER, THEN TEAR IT UP AND THROW IT
AWAY-YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID...SAMPO! sorry, wrong mode...
Anything suggested will be remembered for my next MiSTing.
*WARNING*--WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ MAY BE THE LAMEST THING YOU HAVE
EVER ENCOUNTERED! PLEASE USE CAUTION WHEN ADVANCING!
(Satellite of Love)
(Crow is teaching Gypsy how to play '52-pickup')
G: Smoke...smoke...smoke...fire
(Crow laughs as he shoots the cards all over the floor)
C: Ha ha ha! Now, since you lost, you get to spend 5 minutes picking up
all the cards, another 5 minutes counting them, and then 20 minutes
looking for that one you're missing...enjoy!
(While he is speaking, Gypsy's head disappears down below the counter...it
emerges, with all the cards in her mouth. She dumps them on the counter in
front of Crow)
C: Hey! You're not supposed to do that that fast!
G: Beginner's luck...fun game--can I do it now?
C: Sure. (aside) This will show her to beat me...I'll just never say
fire...OK, go!...smoke...smoke...smoke...smoke
(Gypsy fires the cards)
C: Wait a minute! I never said fire!
G: Oops, I made a mistake...Oh, well, have fun...bye!
(Gypsy exits, leaving Crow to pick up the mess)
C: Oh, brother...here's one card...two...three...four...
(commercial sign)
(Crow is still picking up cards--Mike and Tomservo walk in)
M: Crow, what are you doing?
C: I still can't find that stupid 5 of diamonds...and I've looked forever!
T: You mean this one sitting right here in front of you?
C: Yes, tha...D'Oh!
M: OK, that's enough Crow, Benny and Jack are calling...
(Deep 13)
Dr.F: Ah, Mike, ready for this week's invention exchange? Well, so are we,
and we'll go first...
F: Lately on the Internet, we have observed many so-called "flame wars".
The problem is, no one responds with an appropriate reply...so the flames
get weaker and weaker.
Dr.F: Solution: the Flame Returner. It's based on the whole "I'm rubber
and you're glue" theory...The Flame Returner will receive flames and send
out and even worse response. Go ahead, just try and flame us...our Flame
Returner will take care of you!
(SOL)
T: May I, guys?
M: Go right ahead.
T: Thank you...Let's see...(types) You are a waste of a human being, not
suitable for dog food, and all who know you are extremely depressed.
Flames away!!!
(Deep 13)
Dr.F: OK, Frank, what does our Flame Returner have to say back?
F: It says 'You stink".
Dr.F: You see, ha ha...what? 'You stink'? There must be a problem...but
just try and flame us again! Just try!
(SOL)
M: Crow, why don't you take this one?
C: My pleasure...(types) You're butt-faced, smell like a dog, and you have
the mental powers of a woodtick.
(Deep 13)
F: Aha! Now it says...um...'You stink'...
Dr.F: Well, while we try and work the bugs out, why don't you show us your
invention?
(SOL)
M: OK. Actually, we were thinking along the same lines. Only ours, the
Therapy Flame, analyzes the problems the flamers have and suggests more
creative ways to release anger.
T: For example, let's take the latest flame we've received, 'You stink."
(they all laugh) Our Therapy Flame sends a response saying...OK, 'You
obviously have some inner turmoil, and you are bottling it in a very
unhealthy way. Try a hobby or sport to ease the anger.'
M: Well, what do you think, sirs?
(Deep 13)
F: 'You stink'...'You stink'...'You stink'...
Dr.F: I think you had better stick to post reading! Today I have picked a
good one, about a guy and his Scrabble loving girlfriend...enjoy!
(SOL)
All: Ahhhh...we've got post sign!
(7...6...5...4...3...2...safe)
Path:
mr.net!InforMNs.k12.MN.us!news.nde.state.ne.us!news.mid.net!news.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!news2.near.net!news.umass.edu!nic.umass.edu!titan.oit.umass.edu!salmo
T: Did we forget anyone? No, good. Let's move on, shall we?
From: sa...@titan.oit.umass.edu (James J Montgomery)
C: Oh, is the great James J Montgomery going to grace us with his
presence? T: Crow, I must ask you to never do that again! M: It *is*
getting rather old...
C: Oh, all right.
Newsgroups: rec.arts.prose
Subject: Scrabble
Date: 25 Mar 1995 06:20:02 GMT
M: A date that will live in infamy!
Organization: University of Massachusetts, Amherst Lines: 79
Message-ID: <3l0cmi$c...@nic.umass.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: titan.oit.umass.edu
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
In a way it was more of a relief.
T: How do you spell relief? S-C-R-A-B-B-L-E.
I had been dreading this moment since I could remember.
C: Puberty.
Our relationship had been going downhill and there was just nothing I
could do about it. It wasn't like I didn't try. We'd take walks down on
the beach during the full moon.
C: Then my sweetheart would turn into a werewolf and try to eat me. Oh
well, go figure.
I'd even stay home and play scrabble with her on the weekends sometimes.
The game was hard fought and I'd hold my own,
C: That's illegal in some states.
M: CROW!!!
but even when I got the good letters, her dictionary mind would conjure up
some esoteric word with a "Z" or "J" in it. I'd never challenge.
M: I was oppressed I tell you! Opressed!!
When she'd win she'd feel giddy and joke around and we'd have tickle fights.
T: Sssaaaayyyyy.....
Sometimes, when the breeze was particularly warm or the mood otherwise
just right, we'd have a glass of wine, or champagne.
C: So Scrabble regularily leads to drinking.
M: Booze takes a dull Scrabble game and makes it better!
T: Brought to you by the Booze Foundation of America.
If she won twice in a night,she might even overcook some scallops and
pasta, which I'd gladly swallow, like so many superballs, just to not hurt
her.
T: Hell, I'd swallow razor blades, Spam and Zima just to keep her happy.
Other days she'd win, but not by enough. Or it could still be a wide
margin, but I may have had some extraordinary word that she didn't match
all day. Sometimes it could only have been that I had beat her on a single
turn, and she would clam up. I'd try to tell her that I had just gotten
lucky. I'd tell her that that "V" was the last chip I picked and that I
had two in my hand and that it could have so easily been the other one
that I had kept, in which case I would never have beat her that turn.
"Yeah, but you did pick the 'V'."
M: You know, I think if we (or the author) had seen "V", we'd probably
have a lot of snappy and witty comments right now.
C: Hmm, yep.
T: Gotta agree with you there...
"Just that once, honey, you're the one who got all the other good letters."
That wasn't good enough for her. When it really came down to it, she said,
I was the one who would always get the "V".
M: Insert Thomas Pynchon joke here.
"Aren't you being a little oversensitive?" "Me? You're accusing me? You're
the one who always gets what you want. Why can't I get something for a
change?"
"You've got plenty. You're beautiful. You've got a great job. You've got
me, and I love you."
M: And this is supposed to make her happy?
"Yeah, but you'll always love me. When am I going to get something that I
really want? When am I going to get mine?"
C: *I want what's coming to me!*
M: If I was dating her, I would have given her that *long* ago!
It was things like this that tempted me to sometimes call her selfish,
C: (singing) "Once holy virgin queen, now on the scene, his nemesis" (ref
THAT one)
but I knew in the end that those kind of accusations would never do anyone
any good.
T: They would just let me express my feelings and emotions, which is never
a good thing to do.
We stayed together for over a year. I didn't get to see my friends much
and we ended up drifting apart.
C: Apart-that's 6, plus the double word score makes 12.
My work was constantly interrupted by her calls, and Jack, my boss, was
starting to hint that it wasn't exactly my time we were having these
conversations on.
M: I think her neurotic breakdowns probably had something to do with it.
One day she called, but I wasn't in my office. When I got back, the
message on my machine
C: *On the machine, Rose, on the machine!*
said: "I'm sorry, but I'm leaving. You don't have enough to give me. I
need a man who can support me, someone who can understand me."
T: (singing) "Someone to watch over me..."
All of her stuff was gone when I got home. I couldn't figure out what I
had done wrong.
T: Well, giving in to her every whim was a start.
M: As was encouraging her psychotic connection with Scrabble.
C: You probably also left the seat up one too many times.
The next night, I was out with Jes. We were drinking beers down at the
Hole. He said he was glad to finally get a chance to hang out with me. I
was too upset to be much of a conversationalist.
T: Sparkling raconteur that you've already shown yourself to be...
"You'll get over this, it's the best thing for you. I always told you that
chick was a bitch."
M: Wow, what a powerful ending...
C: And with such a strong message: never play Scrabble with a girlfriend
from Mars. Is that about it?
M: Yep. Let's go...
(...safe...2...3...4...5...6...7...)
(Tomservo is brooding and mumbling to himself)
M: OK, tell you what, we haven't done this in a long time. Let's each say
a good thing-bad thing about this post. Crow, you start. Name one good
thing about this post.
C: Well, it was only 79 lines long.
M: That's a good thing? OK, now a bad thing...
C: It was a whole 79 lines long!!!
M: Really?
C: Well, sorry Mike, but this post didn't exactly leave a big impression
on me. In fact, it was so unimpressing, I forget what we're
talking...about...now...(trails off)
M: Yeah, actually I have to agree with you...I can't say reading this has
made a dramatic influence on my life. What about you, Tom?
(Tomservo is still brooding)
M: Tom? Tom? Tom!
T: WHAT!?!?!?!
M: What did you think about this post?
T: What did I think? WHAT DID I THINK! I'll tell you what I think...I
think it shows exactly how evil Scrabble is! Scrabble is dangerously evil!
That is what is responsible for the disintegration of today's
families--SCRABBLE! Don't you see? Happy families sitting in a circle,
playing Scrabble, when BAM! Someone draws the "V" and all hell breaks
loose..."America's Good Time game?" I don't *think* so!
C: Servo, you are really out there this time...
T: Oh yeah, Mr.
Refuse-to-see-the-truth-even-if-it's-right-in-front-of-that- huge-beak!
Well, what happened last time you played Scrabble?
C: I don't remember when I ever played Scrabble...
T: I'll tell you what happened! You drew the "V" and won the game! Where
was your sweetheart after that, hmmmm?
C: Servo, I didn't have a sweetheart before that.
T: Exactly!
C: Oh, brother! (leaves)
T: And it's all because of SCRABBLE!!!!! (keeps rambling)
M: Well, I think he's said quite enough...what do you think, sirs?
(Deep 13)
(Frank is staring at screen, eyes wide open)
Dr.F: I think you're robot pals are finally losing it! Good. To further
cause your little Tomservo pain, I went out and bought the latest
"Scrabble Home Deluxe Edition"...now he can sit and watch us play for
hours! Ha ha ha! Oh, Frank...FRANK! (shows Frank the box)
F: Wha...No! Keep that away from me--it's evil...EVIL!!!! (runs away screaming)
Dr.F: Or maybe not. Well, until next time, boobies! Push the butt...oh,
nevermind...
(whoosh!)
All copyright and trademark stuff that is posted with every other story
applies here, too.
Well, what do think?
Kelly
dona...@mr.net
--
"So in a way, pain is good. Otherwise we might be hurt and not know it and die in social studies."
Kelly Donaghue
critiqued it, as well as adding some jokes of his own. So I can't take
credit for any funny and witty jokes you read--they're probably his.
sorry I forgot, jess
Kelly
jnevins
>I forgot to give jess proper credit for that last story. He read and
>critiqued it, as well as adding some jokes of his own. So I can't take
>credit for any funny and witty jokes you read--they're probably his.
>sorry I forgot, jess
don't worry about it, Kelly - although the version you sent me didn't
have the invention exchange and all the pre-misting stuff that's so
much fun to write...
And ignore what she says, people - she wrote the funny jokes herself.
All I did was contribute one or two...
jess
Kelly Donaghue
wrote:
He's being modest, he filled in the blank spots I had with very funny riffs.
And I hadn't thought of the other stuff yet, or I would have sent that to
you, too, jess...
Will someone else please tell me what they thought of it, and include
suggestions/comments? Two people is not enough to get a broad opinion...
Kelly
--
"Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam..."
Brian Zino
[Tor Johnson mode on]
POST FUNNY! HUHHHHH.
[Tor Johnson mode off]
Sorry Kelly. Just had to get my two cents in.
Sir Brian Zino, K.G.S. "Visne ergo mihi librum
(Knight of the sustinentem praelegere, ad
Green Shield) ursum inter angusta arte
infixum consolandum idoneum?"
-- Ursus Pu
Dan Siemens
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: sa...@titan.oit.umass.edu (James J Montgomery)
C: Oh, is the great James J Montgomery going to grace us with his
presence? T: Crow, I must ask you to never do that again! M: It *is*
getting rather old...
C: Oh, all right.
Newsgroups: rec.arts.prose
Subject: Scrabble
Date: 25 Mar 1995 06:20:02 GMT
M: A date that will live in infamy!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
First of all, there should be SOMETHING preceeding each line of the
original article, such as a ">" or something... This will help people to
distinguish YOUR text from the original text.
Also, I don't much care for the single initial name abbreviations. I
prefer, "MIKE:", "JOEL:", "TOM:", "CROW:", etc...
Lastly, it's not a good idea to put multiple speakers' lines in the
same paragraph. Whenever someone new starts talking, start a new
paragraph (although, this doesn't have to be separated by a double space,
unless it's to indicate that the action has shifted to a different
location, like from the SOL to Deep 13).
Dan
Kelly Donaghue
> First of all, there should be SOMETHING preceeding each line of the
> original article, such as a ">" or something... This will help people to
> distinguish YOUR text from the original text.
It was that way in the original...I don't know what happened. I like it
better that way myself.
> Also, I don't much care for the single initial name abbreviations. I
> prefer, "MIKE:", "JOEL:", "TOM:", "CROW:", etc...
Too much extra typing.
> Lastly, it's not a good idea to put multiple speakers' lines in the
> same paragraph. Whenever someone new starts talking, start a new
> paragraph (although, this doesn't have to be separated by a double space,
> unless it's to indicate that the action has shifted to a different
> location, like from the SOL to Deep 13).
Again, that's the way it was in my version. Something get screwed up
while sending or something...sorry about that.
Actually, I was talking about with the selection or riffs or
something...But thanks for your time.
Dan Siemens
Kelly Donaghue (dona...@mr.net) wrote:
: Too much extra typing.
Boo hoo.
: Again, that's the way it was in my version. Something get screwed up
: while sending or something...sorry about that.
I wasn't talking about the original article -- people who write bot
fodder are expected to do stuff like that. I was talking about YOUR
MiSTing. Just so that's clear. See the section I originally quoted
(from you) about that.
: Actually, I was talking about with the selection or riffs or
: something...But thanks for your time.
Yeah, well the riffs were fine, I guess. I don't know -- that's a bit
more subjective. I liked the host segments... I get the most brain
block trying to think up those. Anyway, I offered the comments I did
(even though that may not have been what you were interested in) because
I thought those items made your MiSTing much less readable. That's bad,
and it wouldn't be too difficult to fix. Treat your MiSTing like a
prizewinning screenplay -- not more bot fodder.
Dan