MSTied: "$3.1 Billion, FREE Info!"
Dave Van Domelen
Tom: Hey, look! Rec.arts.tv.mst3k!
Crow: At *last*! We're out of that alt.slum! Away from the kooks and and
crackpots. Maybe the Mads'll even send us a higher caliber of post now!
<pause>
Tom&Crow: Naah.
Tom: Wonder what the first article will be....
Crow: Skinny Di...the hell?
Tom: We *finally* get our own rec.group, and the first thing to show up is
some asinine advertisement! Why, if I had working hands, I'd go to this
U.S. Health place and strangle Keogh!
<Mike wanders in, reading news off a Newton.>
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 15 seconds.
Mike: Hey, guys. Oh, that stupid thigh cream troll, eh? You do know that was
trolling, right?
Crow: Heh, heh...yeah, I wasn't fooled for a minute! Tom here thought it was a
serious ad.
Tom: Did not! And you did too! I mean.... Hey, Mike.
Mike: Yes?
Tom: Not to be snooty or anything, but what the hell(TM) are you doing that
that wimpy excuse for plastic paper?
Mike: Reading news. Works pretty well, but posting's a pain. And, sad to say,
the Mads have installed their own special modifica...Yeow! <drops Newton
as it explodes.>
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 5...4...3...2...1.... Commercial sign now.
<<What if you woke up one morning and no one had a brain? You will. And AT&T
and Zima will be the ones to bring it to you.>>
<<News Flash! Howard Stern just announced he plans to paint the capital
rotunda green if elected! We now return to the commercial already in
progress.>>
<<Hi, it's the hyper-annoying local carpet company rep again, buying all the
local ad time on your cable system! So what if 90% of the people on your cable
system rent and can't buy carpet! You'll move out someday, right?>>
[Back at SOL. Mike's hand is bandaged, Gypsy has her nurse's hat on. Tom and
Crow look on fearfully at the still-smoking remains of the Newton.]
Tom: Geez, Mike...whaddya do, call up alt.flame?
Crow: Invoke Shub-Internet?
[Mads light flashes]
Mike: No, I...oops, Hannigan and Beckworth are calling. <hits button>
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Well, looks like we put too much "oomph" into the pager function of the
Newton. Oh, well...Newton's dead, and you're as good as. Frank, boot up
the invention exchange, if you please.
Frank: Do you want to make money fast? Sure, we all do! Of course, the task
of crossposting to alt.hell and back can be SO time-consuming. That's the
reasoning behind Cybersell, that lovable ad-posting bot Canter & Siegel
have designed to further their Green Carding activities. Well, we've gone
them one better!
Dr.F: That's right! You see, for all its evil merit, Cybersell does have the
disadvantage that it can only be used once per account, really. After
that one use, the account will be so crammed with hate email that the
system will never play the violin again! What we've done is merge the
ever-popular newsbot with the also popular MUDbot! We call it
MUCKRAKER, in homage to that oh-so-droll James Bond movie. MUCKRAKER is
able to sign itself up for a character on any MU*, then hack into the
core code and send advertising posts from that site! In a matter of
hours, the game is destroyed, and no evidence remains to point to you!
Frank: Unless the game has registration.
Dr.F: Well, if Joel Furr can keep getting on FurryMUCK, I don't think that
will be much of a problem for MUCKRAKER. Your invention, Jumpsuit Lad?
[SOL]
Mike: <holds up something that looks like the Newton, but is fuzzy and out of
focus> Well, my invention is a handheld computer based on another famous
physicist. I call it the Schrodinger. While the Newton's main selling
point is to take fuzzy handwriting and turn it into clear type
characters....
Tom: If not always the right ones....
Mike: The Schrodinger can take even the clearest handwriting and turn it into
a scrawl only a pharmacist could read!
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: That sounds a little too evil for you, joy-boy. I think you're trying
to suck up and get released. Well, no dice! Anyway, in honor of your
new rec.group, I decided to forgo the usual alt.group drivel....
[SOL]
<Crow and Tom whisper to each other excitedly>
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: And give you some bonafide news.groups drivel! Cue it up, Frank!
Frank: Yes, your Arizona-Lawyerness....
[SOL]
All: AAAAHHH!
Mike: We have net.advertising sign!
<>...6...5...4...3...2...1....
> From HUGO....@flyer.com Thu May 26 14:04:27 EDT 1994
Tom: First the Exxon Valdez...and now, spilling its own toxic cargo, the
HUGO.VALDEZ!
> Article: 97382 of news.groups
> Path: magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!usc!cs.utexas.edu!
> swrinde!pipex!uknet!EU.net!uunet!iat.holonet.net!holouucp!hugo.valdez
Mike: Uh, oh. Looks like this came from Europe. Go easy on the grammar
flames, kids.
Crow: Aw! But the foreign ones are the funnest!
Tom: And you can't stop us anyway. Nuveena turned the Grammar-Flamer-Sorter-
Dumper into a rotating jewelry stand.
> From: HUGO....@flyer.com (hugo valdez)
> Newsgroups: news.groups
> Subject: $3.1 Billion, FREE Info
Mike: That's pretty expensive FREE Info.
Tom: Obviously this X-Armenian net.whacko is responsible for the deaths of
3.1 Billion Turkish dollars.
> Message-ID: <D517...@flyer.com>
> Date: Thu, 26 May 1994 04:58:59 GMT
> Organization: The French Flyer BBS (310) 597-2235 DS
Crow: Oh no! Crossposted from a BBS, and a French one at that!
Mike: I don't know...that phone number looks awfully like a U.S. one.
Tom: No 300 Baud LAMEAUX /\LL()W3D!!1!
> Distribution: world
> Lines: 73
> This message was from HUGO VALDEZ to ALL,
> originally in conference miscjobsmi
> and was forwarded to you by HUGO VALDEZ.
Crow: Oh, so the great HUGO VALDEZ decided to honor us by crossposting his
BBS post to news.groups....
> -------------------------
> I have compiled vital information on a $3.1 billion industry.
Tom: Which one?
> This
> HIGHLY RESPECTABLE industry,
Crow: Won't be once I'm done with it.
> as stated by one of the largest & most
> prestigious business magazines,
Tom: WHICH ONE?!
> provides HOTTEST business opportunity of
> the decade, which can be run by doing simple work of a few hours a month
> & earnings can exceed $750,000.00.
Mike: Sounds like envelope stuffing. Wonder how he gets a figure of
$750,000.00, though?
Tom: His machine translated the Lira symbol to a dollar sign, probably.
> The whole business can be run FROM
> HOME IN ANY COUNTRY.
Crow: Or get you run out of your home in any country, more likely.
>
> In fact, this business is STILL IN INFANCY & EXPLODING TO QUADRUPLE.
Tom: Exploding quadruplet infants? Ewww.
> This business practically started in 1987,
Mike: Impractically continued in 1988....
> generated revenue of $2.2
> billion in 1992 & $3.1 billion in 1993.
Tom: Although their income tax forms said they operated at a loss.
>
> Some of the programs
Tom: Like...?
> of this industry
Tom: Which is...?
> have been endorsed by MAJOR
> CELEBRITIES
Tom: LIKE WHO...?!?
> & voted highest in satisfaction.
Tom: *BY WHOM AND COMPARED TO WHAT!?!?* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Mike: Whoa, easy Tom. Calm down. It's only a post.
Tom: <pants angrily and shakes back and forth>
>
> This business can be set up instantly & easily for UNBELIEVABLY LOW
> INVESTMENT (JUST IN 3 FIGURES)
Crow: Yeah, just get an account, buy a Cybersell-like program, then get gits
to send you money for how to do it themselves!
> & results also do come almost instantly.
Mike: Yeah, it's amazng how fast the FBI moves on these people nowadays.
> No experience, inventory or employees required.
Tom: Well, considering that your product is unknown in an unclear sector
with vague legal standing, I suppose it couldn't have any of those other
things either.
> And, there are NO
> STRINGS attached.
Mike: How do you keep it from falling apart, then?
>
> Both individuals & groups alike are moving into this business. Such a
> diverse group includes stock brockers,
Crow: Maybe it's MAKE.JUNKBONDS.FAST?
> business executives, doctors,
> therapists,
Mike: No, no, no...the therapists want to talk to anyone who's tried this
plan.
> lawyers,
Crow: From Arizona....
> accountants, sales professionals
Mike: Tired TV Producers...
Crow: Telephone Sanitisers...
Tom: Mimes...
> - you name it, all
> are jumping into this exciting, fast-paced industry.
Tom: Whatever the hell it is.
>
> What I have compiled includes valuable & practical, complete information
> on how to immediately get started with minimum costs, how to run it
> successfully & important addresses of large & reliable companies which
> provide valuable services & assistance. It also includes
Crow: A whole lot of ampersands I had left over from an ASCII graphic.
Tom: Maybe it includes some hint as to what the business is....
Mike: It certainly doesn't include grammar.
Crow: Hey! You said....
Tom: We know where you live, Nelson.
> examples of
> very large & well known businesses
Crow: That took nosedives into the red the second they started doing this
nebulous undefined practice.
> who are involved in this business &
> reaping extreme profits in addition to their main businesses.
Tom: Yes, your business will want to sideline in this exciting other business,
splitting your resources and risking racketeering charges when the FBI
finds out how you were reaping these profits!
>
> It will be interesting for you to know that even many NON-PROFIT
> ORGANIZATIONS,
Tom: Are handily avoiding profits with this method.
> CHURCHES & ORGANIZATIONS OF CHURCHES are directly running
> this business & easily raising obviously more funds than my any other
> ways.
Mike: Oh, so these ways are all yours? Got any other ill-defined plans you
want to advertise?
>
> I am willing to share this vital information with anybody who is
> interested.
Tom: REproduction and UN-Altered DISSEMINATION of the IMPORTANT information
is enCOURaged.
> Please send me your paper mail address &/or fax # (very
> important, don't forget!)
Crow: Because I so dearly want to commit mail fraud, and you can't get arrested
for that on email yet.
> via e-mail, fax or paper mail for FREE
> information.
Tom: FREE, except that you'll never stop getting junk mail and junk FAXes from
all the mailing lists this twink'll sell your name to.
Mike: I think you have it! THAT's the industry!
Crow: Yeah, collect names and addresses, then sell them to a mailing list.
You'd be providing a valuable service! Heh.
>
> Hugo Valdez
> 137 S. Vermont Ave.#183
> Los Angeles, CA 90004-5904
Mike: See, this isn't from France after all!
Crow: Why'd it route through .uk and EUR. then?
Tom: And why was his English so horrid?
Crow: And is this real address, so we can mailbomb him?
Mike: Um, do you *really* want to know?
Crow: Well, only that last one.
Mike: Come on, I think it's almost over.
> Fax: (213) 389-8275
> E-mail: hugo....@flyer.com
Tom: Now, where was that FAX-jammer program I wrote....
Mike: Don't even think about it. It may not be his real number. Remember
Skinny Dip.
Crow: Do we HAVE to?
>
>
> * OLX 2.1 TD * Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch!
>
Tom: OH NO! Lame computer humor!
Crow: AIE!
> * OLX 2.1 TD * Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Mike: And lame non-computer humor! From a random quotefile, no less!
> The French Flyer BBS (310) 597-2235 DS
Crow: We know already!
>
> ==========================================================================
>
Tom: What the hell was that?
Crow: Maybe it's a product sample.
> ==========================================================================
>
Mike: <CONTINUED>
Tom: Ewww...don't DO that, Mike. It gives me the heebie-jeebies!
Crow: Yeah!
> ==========================================================================
Tom: Thank the net.gods, it's over!
1...2...3...4...5...6...<>....
[SOL]
Tom: Man, that made less sense than one of those artsy car ads!
Crow: I kept waiting for it to turn into an ad for coffee, myself.
Mike: Yeah...I was wondering the whole time if Hugo actually figured out what
he's trying to sell yet, or just wrote a generic ad, figuring he'd find
a product if pressed for one. Well, for a RAMchip, find one good thing
about this post.
Tom: Ummmm...Mike, I can't find one concrete thing of *any* kind in this post.
Which, I suppose, is better than the very definite evil of some posts.
Mike: Good! Here ya go! <feeds Tom a RAMchip. Tom bounces happily>
Crow: Ah, ah, ah...um...geez. I can't! It was punctuated like McElwaine,
vaguer than John_-_Winston and asked for snailmail addresses. It was
utterly scummy. Drat.
Mike: Ah, but it may just be bad enough to get the poster's access revoked,
which is a good thing.
Crow: Oh, yeah.
Mike: What do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13. Frank is stuffing chihuahuas into envelopes in the background]
Dr.F: Well, boobie, right now Frank and I are making loads of extra cash in an
exciting work-at-home industry for only hours a day.
Frank: I'm out of Chihuahuas, Steve.
Dr.F: Oh, here...use these squirrels. By the time the post office gets them
to the addressees, no one will know the difference. <turns back to
camera> Well, until next time, Zima wishes and Mentos dreams! Push
the button, Frank. Frank?
<Frank has stuffed himself in an envelope. Let's see them to *that* on TV!>
Dr.F: Well, I guess I'll do it myself. <WHOOSH!> Oh Frank, want to know what
"spindling" is?
[Roll credits]
MST3K and all concepts are TM,C,R or whatever by Best Brains. No
infringement is implied, this is all good fun. And Hugo needs to learn a
little more specificity.
Dave Van Domelen, insert favorite quote from the episode here....