MSTed: Political UpDate [1/3]

[David Patrick Young]

OK, well, here it is - my first attempt at a MSTing. And boy is
it huge! The quick ones will notice that I've had this thing since
September, but hey, I'm a college student; I don't have THAT much free
time, geez! :) Oh, and I still know nothing of dibs.lists and such, so
I hope I'm not violating any regs with this piece of filth! I kinda
doubted there'd be a major fight over a Doctress Neutopia sermon-thinly-
disguised-as-a-story-type-thing anyway. Yes, that's right, it's HER!!
Turn your head if you're squeamish! The rest of you...well...just try
and keep up if you dare. Any and all questions, comments, and criticisms
are welcomed, but please be gentle! :)
Oh, and I'd better put this in before I forget: Mystery Science
Theater 3000 and the characters therein are registered trademarks of Best
Brains, Incorporated, and I am using them without permission, so bite
me! It's fun! This posting is not meant as an attack on Doctress
Neutopia or anyone who happens to subscribe to the crap she spews forth,
though God knows it would be more fun if it were. Thank you for your
time, veni vidi vici, quid pro quo, ad nauseum, amen.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Theme song, intro, what-have-you...]
[Doors close]
[SOL. Lights are very low. We see CROW, backlit, rigged up in one of
those VR things from "The Lawnmower Man." Wires are connected to every
conceivable part of his body. He swings around, back and forth, every
which way as he cruises cyberspace.]

CROW: Whooooo! Ha ha! Die, filthy infidel!

[TOM and MIKE enter. MIKE stumbles over something in the dark and nearly
falls on his face.]

MIKE: What happened to the lights?! Crow! What are you doing?!

[CROW continues as before, ignoring MIKE.]

MIKE: CROW!!
TOM: I think you have to speak into this thing.

[MIKE picks up a little microphone.]

MIKE: Crow! Buddy! What IS all this?!
CROW: [still swinging wildly] Oh! Mike! Hi! How ya doing? I'm back
on the Information Superhighway, but this time I'm going for
full immersion!
MIKE: Well...does it have to be so dark in here?
CROW: Yeah, I...uh...had to shut down most of the satellite's systems
to power this thing. Didn't think you'd mind.
MIKE: DIDN'T THINK I'D MIND?! You could've KILLED me!
CROW: Oh, don't worry. You'll still get enough oxygen for a while if
you remain absolutely still.
TOM [before MIKE can explode]: So, Crow...um...what are you DOING,
anyway?
CROW: I'm playing Super 3-D Interactive Virtual CyberBoogers 2029! You
guys have GOT to check this out! Whoa! Ha ha, thought you had
me, eh? Take THAT! Yeeeee-hoo!
TOM: Um, no thanks. I've got stuff to do. [Leaves]

[Commercial-sign light flashes feebly.]

MIKE: Uh, Crow, we've got commercial sign...I think, and I don't like
not knowing how long I have to live, so it's time to come out of
there.

[CROW ignores him and keeps playing. MIKE begins to fiddle with some of
the wires.]

MIKE: Uh, we'll be right back...

[5 commercials for Politically Incorrect in a row]

[SOL again. Everything as before - CROW is still whizzing around and
yelling like a Netrekker in an empty lab. MIKE is attempting to dis-
connect him, and TOM is assisting in any way that a robot with non-
functional arms can.]

TOM: [as MIKE reaches for different wires] No, I wouldn't touch that
one. Not if you like your hair that way. Nope, not that one
either. Uh-uh. No way.
MIKE: Look, Tom, you're just not helping, so...go find something else to
do, OK?
TOM: Okeedokee. [Leaves]
MIKE: Eeny-meeny-miney-moe...

[MIKE grabs a random wire. Sparks fly, and MIKE falls to the floor.
CROW continues playing as before.]

CROW: Oh yeah, Mike, there's a security system rigged into this thing,
so don't go trying to yank out any wires if you ever wanna have
kids. Whooooo-hooo! Eat flaming steel death, sucker!

[Mads' light flashes weakly for a while. TOM enters.]

TOM: Uh, Mike, you gonna get that? Mike? [Sees MIKE.] Whoa, that must
hurt. C'mon honey, wake up. [Attempts to rouse him and eventually
succeeds.]
MIKE: But I don't WANNA hug Uncle Rolf! His nose hairs are SCARY!
[Gradually comes to his senses.] Huh? Oh! [Starts to lunge at
CROW, then remembers what happened and backs off.]
TOM: Mike, the light...
MIKE: Oh! Right! [Into microphone] Uh, Crow...Case and Molly are
calling. Can I talk to them?
CROW: Oh yeah, I didn't fool with the transmitter.
MIKE: Great. Thanks a bunch. [Hits light]

[Deep 13. FRANK is wired up much like CROW and is apparently playing the
same game. An expression of anxiety is on his face.]

FRANK: Whoa! Geez! D'oh! You little...I'll harm you...

[DR. FORRESTER enters, looking like quite the cyberpunk in a studded
black leather jacket (with the Deep 13 emblem on the breast, of course),
nasty-looking clip-on earrings, and green-rimmed mirrorshades.]

DR F: Greetings, Neurolosers! Frank and I have decided to join the way-
cool ultra-hip cyber-scene! I'm sporting the basic look [turns
around to reveal "UNIX Eunuchs" scrawled in red on the back of his
jacket], and Frank here is cruising the Net, no doubt committing
some heinous data crime! Who is it this time, Frank? Bell Labs?
Xerox PARC? The Comedy Central Scheduling Department?
FRANK: Not good...no...no...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHH!!!
DR F: My God, Frank, what is it?! A virus? Black ice?
FRANK: I ran outta boogers.
DR F: Oh well, that's...FRANK! [Tries to smack FRANK on the head and
receives an electrical shock.]

[SOL. CROW is cheering and doing a victory dance.]

CROW: Whooooo-hoo-hoo!! Noone can de-booger me! Many have tried; all
have failed! I AM GOD HERE!!

[Deep 13. FRANK has removed his helmet and is struggling to get out of
the...whatever it's called.]

DR F: Oh, is that so, my little gold-plated nemesis? Obviously you've
never met my friend here. [Holds up a 3.5" disk with the single
word "NEUTOPIA" written on the label.]

[SOL. CROW is now trying to get out of his VR rig.]

CROW: Oh boy, this isn't good. Say, guys, could ya gimme a hand here?
MIKE: No way, I'm not touching that thing again.
TOM: Me neither.
CROW: But...but...he's got Neutopia, guys! I don't have a chance!
MIKE: Sorry, buddy.
TOM: You're on your own.

[Deep 13. DR F is frantically typing something on the Tectronic
keyboard.]

DR F: Ha ha! Taste my steel, Mr. Crow T. Dead-Man! Witness the power
of pretentious crap! Die, die, DIE!!
FRANK: Wait, Clay! I hear that Neutopia stuff's pretty lethal. Maybe
you should send 'em something a little milder.
DR F: Hmmmmm, you know, you might be right...
FRANK and DR F: Naaaaaaaaaaah! [DR F pushes the button.]

[SOL. CROW's VR rig begins spinning out of control. Sparks fly. MIKE
and TOM are just trying to stay out of the way.]

CROW: Whoa!! It's not good, man! They're all around me! This is a
bug-hunt! Game over, man! Game over!

[Lights flash.]

MIKE: Oh no, we've got posting sign!

[Doors open. CROW's VR rig flies apart, catapulting him through the
doors and into the theater.]

[Theater. CROW is already here, but in a bit of a shambles. MIKE and
TOM enter.]

MIKE: You OK, buddy?
CROW: I tampered in God's domain.

> Path: balsam!concert!news.duke.edu!eff!news.kei.com!news.byu.edu!news.
> mtholyoke.edu!news.amherst.edu!news.umass.edu!nic.umass.edu!titan.ucs.
> umass.edu!neutopia
> From: neut...@titan.ucs.umass.edu (Doctress Neutopia)

CROW: [Sarcasm Overload Mode] Oh, is the great Doctress Neutopia going to
grace us with a post?

> Newsgroups: alt.society.neutopia,alt.romance,alt.feminism,alt.religion.
> sexuality,alt.dreams,alt.slack
> Subject: Political UpDate

CROW: UpYours!

> Date: 20 Sep 1994 13:05:12 GMT

TOM: Garlic, Mustard, and Tomato?
CROW: Get Me Toasted?
MIKE: Go Minnesota Timberwolves!
CROW: 20 Sep? Looks like this one sat around and fermented for a while.

> Organization: University of Massachusetts, Amherst
> Lines: 547
> Message-ID: <35mmm8$g...@nic.umass.edu>

CROW: Great, it's in 35mm. This is gonna suck...

> NNTP-Posting-Host: titan.ucs.umass.edu

TOM: I'm huge!
MIKE: Post Hosties are part of this complete breakfast.

> X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
> Xref: balsam alt.society.neutopia:2027 alt.romance:30986 alt.feminism:
> 50177 alt.religion.sexuality:1079 alt.dreams:9714 alt.slack:11812

CROW: Yeah, yeah, seen it.
TOM: Get on with it!

>
>
> Dear Geertjan,

TOM: ...if that really IS your name...
MIKE: Oh no! It's a "Dear Geertjan" letter! How sad!

>
> I hope you had a good time in Cape Town.

CROW: It HAD to be better than the time I'm having here.

> Did I merit any of your
> thoughts while you were away?

TOM: Nope, not a one.

> I sure you met a lot of exciting
> people so I hope you come back with some good connections.

MIKE: I sure you fail English, so I hope you die.
TOM: Whoa, kinda harsh there, Mike. Give it a chance...

>
> Last Thursday the CBS College Tour invaded the campus next to the
> campus pond.

CROW: Cool, just like in Red Dawn!

> Their festival was composed on a

MIKE: ...piano?

> number of tents with
> high-tech equipment in them which were used to play their quiz
> games. The games were:

TOM: Not fun.

> CBS News Challenges, L'Oreal Studio--CBS
> Hot Set, Comedy Quiz, Golf Classic, The Price is Right, Mastercard
> (they gave out mini footballs for the right answer there)

MIKE: Oh yeah, I'm sure they...HUH?!

> , AT & T
> Long Distance Shootout

CROW: I'd rather play Sprint Long Distance Shootout.
TOM: Why's that, Crow?
CROW: So I could take a shot at Candice Bergen.

> (which was a mini basketball game), Subway
> Locker Talk,

MIKE: That's dirty!

> and Advi Entertainment Quiz. It was appalling to
> think this was going on at a university campus.

MIKE: Never before had a college campus seen such mindless debauchery!

> From it, you can
> see what kind of mentality rules this place since the Student
> Activities Office sponsored it! The tour was deluxe corporate
> BRAINWASH!

TOM: Well, that's better than ordinary corporate BRAINWASH.

>
> The rules of the games were:
> 1. First come, first serve

CROW: Now that's MY kind of game!
MIKE: I don't think that's what she meant, Crow.

> 2. Form 3-person teams
> 3. Line up behind "Enter" sign

MIKE: I wish the Flying Pig was here.
TOM: Uh...was that legal?

> 4. Follow News Anchor's direction
> 5. Answer current event questions
> 6. Team with the highest score, wins!

CROW: Other teams, suck!

>
> As I walked around the tour, I could not believe how the students
> were eating it up!

ALL: EEEEEeeeeeewwwwww!

> I didn't think there was even one place where
> they could express themselves until I observed the stage at the
> Subway Locker Room Talk.

MIKE: Boy, was I ever wrong!

> The point of that game was to put on the
> coat of a sports announcer (like OJ Simpson)

TOM: Good example.

> and read the cards
> that a woman was holding up in front of you. There was a video
> camera man who was shooting the announcers

CROW: Whoa! THAT doesn't sound like fun at all!
TOM: Your nose is too shiny! <BANG!>

> performances and then at
> the end, he gave each student announcer a copy of the video tape.
> Subway was giving away free junk food sandwiches (with turkey)

MIKE: Junk food sure has changed since I was a kid.

> so
> there was a crowd around there. I got in line to be an announcer
> as I thought about what revolutionary message I would give instead
> of reading the stupid lines from the cards.

CROW: Oh, I'm trembling with anticipation...

> When I get into this

TOM: ...rubber clown suit...

> improvisational public speaking situations I always say a prayer to
> the Deities before hand to ask them to give me the most powerful
> message.

MIKE: Hey, who doesn't?

>
> When it was my turn, I said into the microphone, "This is a CBS
> mind control.

TOM: Thing.

> The corporations are filling up your minds with
> trivial so that you will prostitute your soul to them.

TOM: Saaaaaaay...
CROW: Whoooo! Hey, baby! Does that soul go all the way up?

> Wake up
> students!

CROW: Wha--! Uh, 42! False! Reykjavik!

> Get involved in the global lovolution!

MIKE: [Sings] You say you wanna lovolution, well you know...

> If you want to
> live, you have to start thinking for yourselves. Stop taking the

CROW: ...heroin from my drawer. It's mine!

> pop quizzes that the global corporations and your silly professors
> are testing you on. Follow your dreams!

TOM: Fail out of college! Flip burgers for the rest of your life!

> Don't believe what you
> see on the CBS News. Go get an Internet account so that you can

CROW: ...read mindless crap like this!

> join the Information Lovolution happening on alt.society.neutopia.
> Use this place here to voice your opinions on the corporate
> takeover of higher education." Well, I had a few people
> enthusiastic applaud my speech, but most just remained eating their
> junk food.

MIKE: Some actually threw their junk food at me...
CROW: ...while others simply walked slowly away, their heads hung
in shame.

>
> That evening I followed your advice

TOM: ...and shot myself in the head.

> and went to the first Socialist
> Workers meeting

MIKE: My mom used to be a Socialist Worker...oh, no, wait...

> which has happened at UMASS in more than ten years.
> Their paper is the International Socialist Organization. One of
> the organizers is now a graduate student in Labor Studies at UMASS.

CROW: My study concludes that it hurts a lot.

> There were other people who were outside the UMASS community who
> were at the meeting. The organizers are looking for people to play
> key roles

TOM: I'm trying out for Hamlet's mother myself.

> in the socialist movement which they say is having a
> second wind.

ALL: EEEEEEeeeeeeewwwwww!

>
> Their paper is now selling many more copies because they believe
> Americans are disenchanted with Clinton's calls for change.

MIKE: If Clinton would just get a calling card, this would no longer be
a problem.

> In
> fact, Clinton's battle for universal health care has now been
> defeated. Hillary is being blamed for the failure. Steven Walkman

CROW: Oh, the Sony guy!

> and Bob Cohn write, "Mrs. Clinton has been blamed for being too
> ideological and inflexible, caricatured by the right as a leftist
> shrew."

TOM: [German accent] Ve are now vorkink on a vay to increase Frau
Clinton's size vhile maintainink a low metabolism.

> One of her friend predicts she will "act like a much more
> traditional First Lady for the rest of her husband's term" since
> her first priority is to ensure her husband's re-election.
>
> At the meeting there was some disagreement about where the

CROW: ...Nazi flag should hang.

> Socialist Worker's Organization should be heading. I believe it
> must not only have short-term goals, but we must also hold on to
> the long-term goals of building the Ideal Communist (Neutopian)
> Ecocities.

MIKE: Or the ICE, as we like to call them.
TOM: Is THAT what that means? Kinda sheds new light on William Gibson.
CROW: So, can we call her Doctress Communism now?

> But some of the leadership thinks that the issues need
> to be less grand and more mundane.

MIKE: Like building the Ideal Communist Water Fountains.

> To revive Socialism, I think we
> need to think

CROW: [German accent] Less think! More vork!

> in terms of evolving socialism into a spiritual
> socialist world democracy. Only then, can we create a system of
> universal health care for everyone throughout the world.

MIKE: Except for those races that we would exterminate, of course.

>
> One of the leaders felt like the critical issue at UMASS is about
> lowering tuition. However, I think the issue is to make tuition
> free and to end classroom education as we know it. Another point
> of disagreement is that I think

TOM: I can see how people would disagree with that.

> that what we need to achieve is not
> more mindless jobs, but the automation of work so that we can
> create a leisure economy.

MIKE: So, robots would do all the work while people all went to the
beach? I like it!
CROW: Hey!
TOM: No way, pink boy!

>
> But the Socialist Worker's leadership wants the workers to have
> want they deserved, a decent standard of living and the means to
> get a college education so that they are upwardly-mobil.

MIKE: What do gas stations have to do with communism - er, I mean,
socialism?

> I pointed
> out to them that the Soviet Revolution created a workers state.
> After the revolution the intelligentsia were being oppressed in
> that system. My question to them was:

CROW: Do you people actually believe this crap?

> what role do intellectuals
> play in the new socialist party? One man answered that the goal is
> to create a society were everyone is able to express their creative
> abilities, where everyone's intellectual capabilities are
> liberated.

TOM: But he was wrong. Dead wrong.

> We all agreed that was one of the ideals we were
> struggling to create, a world where everyone can be creative for the
> common good.
>
> The difference between me and some of the socialist leadership is
> that they are more "realist" in their approach to the global
> problems

MIKE: ...while I tend to be more "insane."

> and I am more "idealistic".

MIKE: Okay, call it what you will...

> The leadership tried to

CROW: ...kill me with a forklift!

> dismissed my point of view as part of the New Age self-help
> movement,

ALL: EEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeewwwwwwww!

> so I don't think they understood the nature of the
> revolutionary One World Vision that I am embodying.

MIKE: Isn't that a Queen song?
TOM: Uh...close.

>
> I think that some of the Socialist workers' leadership is still
> trapped in the American Dream of home ownership, when I want to
> emancipate people

CROW: WHOA! You want to...oh.

> from the environment of the nuclear family. What
> one of the leaders said is that the workers want to be able to buy
> cars, when I think we have to find a way to get us *off* cars

MIKE: Uh, honey, I think you're supposed to sit IN the car...

> and
> move all the way towards public transportation and a sustainable
> economy. What we have in common is that

CROW: ...we are all certifiably insane.

> we want an end to
> capitalism and the racist, sexist world it has created. After the
> meeting, we headed down to the Graduate Lounge where my Cap and
> Gown Show is being held.

TOM: What?! Mike, what--
MIKE: I haven't a clue, Tom. Don't try to follow it; you'll only get
hurt.

>
> Anyway, I think I will send in something

CROW: C'mon! Send it in!
MIKE: You can't win if you don't enter!

> to their paper to see if
> my ideas get accepted. After all, Lenin said that the backbone of
> the communist movement is the newspaper,

TOM: And all this time I thought it was the ever-present threat of a slow,
painful death! Silly me!

> so I need to become part
> of the skull.

CROW: I'm sorry, the skull is all filled up at the moment, but I think we
can fit you in the anal opening...
MIKE: [Laughing] Crow!

> There is a national meeting of the organization in
> Chicago in October, so I will see if I can make it there.

TOM: [Sings] If I can MAKE it there, I'll make it ANY--
MIKE: That's New York, Tom.
TOM: Oh.

> I know
> it will be a controversy anywhere I go to get my ideas heard, but
> at this point I don't know where I should go to dig my teeth into.

TOM: How about...your own head?
CROW: Huh?!

> Do I continue working alone, or do I join the Socialist Workers and
> work to make ecofeminist ideals part of the platform?

CROW: [Game-show voice] You have five seconds to decide.
TOM: Tick...tock...tick...tock...DING!
CROW: [GSV] I'm sorry, the answer was: Reykjavik.

>
> On Friday, Willow called and wanted to come over.

MIKE: Oh dear God, NO!
CROW: Hey! I liked Willow!
TOM: Oh, don't even start, you two.

> So she came by
> and told me about her new lover.

MIKE: Um, I didn't ask, really.

> I have written to you about her
> before. She is an authoress of several books on druidism, herbs,
> and paganism.

ALL: And a good friend.

> Even though she was been published, she has not been
> able to make enough money from her books to live on.

CROW: THERE'S a big surprise.

> She is a
> powerful woman who is politically active on human rights issues.
> But for years since she was been divorced, she has not been able to
> find suitable companionship because most men around here don't like
> strong women.

CROW: Hey! Right here! Yeah, ME!
MIKE: Crow, you probably don't wanna get involved with these people.
CROW: But I--
MIKE: Look, just trust me.

>
> She had a druid conference it her house last weekend where she got
> involved with a Native American named Mike.

TOM: Saaaaaaaay! Go Mike!
CROW: Oh, is THAT why you don't want me involved?
MIKE: Hey, I'm not Native American!
TOM: You're from Minnesota, right? That's pretty American to me...
MIKE: No, no, no! A Native American is...oh, never mind!

> They really had a
> lot in common and felt passion towards each other, so after four
> years of no sex, Willow had sex with him.

TOM: Boy, THERE'S a frightening image.

> His penis was so large
> that it was very painful for her to have sex with him,

MIKE: Please tell me I didn't just read that.
CROW: Hey, at least this isn't a movie...

> but she said
> that the important thing was that they really cared for each other.

TOM: Then he said, "Yeah, whatever," and they went at it again.

> She called her gynecologist about it and the doctor said that she
> her vagina would stretch out in time.

ALL: EEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeewwww!!!
MIKE: I want to apologize to the entire universe for the contents of this
post.

-+-End of Part 1
-+-Continued in Part 2 (Go figure!)

#include<std.sig>
---
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