MiSTing: Alt.devilbunnies Posts [1/2]
Chris Mayfield
this than study for my finals. Go figure. Anyway, comments are
welcome. Chris Mayfield, camf...@iastate.edu
[General opening antics]
[SOL. Everybody is behind the desk. There are boxes all around and
various items scattered over the desk and on top of the boxes.]
Mike: Hi everybody. It's that time of the year again, spring
cleaning. Now Tom, you sort through all the toys and make sure
they have all the pieces. Crow, you can check all the closets for
clothes we can give to Goodwill. [picks up something off of the
desk] What's this?
Crow: Oh, that's our old Killer Shrew game.
Mike: Does it have all the pieces?
Tom: It should. They're all glued on.
Mike: Well then, that's--huh? What about this Unearthly game?
Crow: We're missing the John Carradine piece because Tom used it
in his Gamera playset and it melted.
Gypsy: Why can't you kids take better care of your toys? I don't
see why we have to buy you all these things. You can't take care
of what you already have. [turns to Mike] You know, it's your
mother who buys them all this junk. When I was your age we didn't
have any computer games or G.I. Joes or...
[Gypsy continues with her lecture as the lights blink and we cut
to a commercial]
[Back on SOL]
Gypsy: ...and I didn't get an allowance. I worked on the farm all
day and never got paid a cent. Your grandfather never once--
Mike: Gypsy, I think Dr. Forrester is calling. [hits light]
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is in a tuxedo labcoat.]
Dr. F: Ah, Nelson, I've got a very important meeting coming up.
You see, I've taped one of the experiments, and I'm going to
release it as a major motion picture! I've got some people coming
over right now to talk to me about it! [doorbell] That's them!
[runs over and opens the door, but we can't see the people] Mr.
S, Mr. K, Mr. G, so glad you could come. Right this way.
[SOL]
Tom: Are we going to get any royalties from this?
Crow: Yeah, and does our contract allow for future films? What
about Earth Vs. Soup?
Mike: I think you guys are jumping the gun a little. Dr. Forrester
hasn't even signed the deal yet. Let's see how he's doing.
[Deep 13. The three men are seated with their backs to the camera]
Dr. F: You see, I have this man in space and I send him really bad
movies, you know, like Always or Oliver and Co. [the men get up]
No, wait! And then they do these skits and songs and--here's a
tape!
[Puts in a tape. Mike is polishing his shoes, dressed as Carol
Channing. The men start to leave.]
Dr. F: No, come back! He's really not mentally unstable! Honest!
[they leave] Great. Good one Nelson. Just for that, I'm going to
send you this collection of posts I pulled off of alt.
devilbunnies. Eat hasenpfeffer, boy toy.
[SOL. Panic.]
All: We've got Usenet sign!!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
>From: arp...@psu.edu (Andrija Popovic)
>Newsgroups: alt.devilbunnies
>Subject: [s] WFU: Darkness Falls pt.1 [Long and nasty]
>Date: 30 Apr 1995 16:50:24 GMT
>Organization: Penn State University
>Message-ID: <3o0f4g$e...@hearst.cac.psu.edu>
>
>WAKE FORREST WARREN, 9:00 PM.
>
>Col. Kraven loved his walks through the ranks in the morning
>hours.
Mike: Um, it's nine at night.
> Especially in times like this. Since the rapid and
>insubordinate departure of GatoBunny's troops he'd increased his
>tours to help build morale.
Tom: Great. Now we have to fly 60 missions before we can go home.
Crow: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
> Contact with the common soldier bun
>gave them confidence, let them feel that they were in good hands.
Crow: Or paws, as the case may be.
>
>The whole of Wake Forest Warren was on combat alert. Col. Kraven
>said it was a readiness exercise, testing the men's skills at
Mike: Ballroom dancing.
Tom: [whining] But Colonel, why can't I lead?
Crow: [gruff] Because you're a Private and I'm a Colonel! Now shut
up and tango!
>preparing for full combat. The soldiers knew the truth, even if
>Kraven didn't. Kraven was scared.
Crow: So that makes Kraven craven.
Tom: Fancy that.
> Gato's departure and warnings
>about an assault by the mysterious creatures that destroyed
>several bunny patrols and massacred Fluffthorn Warren.
Mike: Very long, convoluted sentences without verbs.
> Everyone
>was tense, waiting for something-anything to happen.
Crow: But in this post, that was unlikely.
>
>Kraven stopped by the pillbox
Mike: Let's see...six green ones, a couple yellow ones, and a shot
of Nyquil to top it off.
> where Corporal Hoplite and Private
>WhiteEars. They saluted when the Colonel entered, but WhiteEars
>couldn't stop shaking and stuttering the words "Mirrored
>eyes...mirrored eyes..."
Tom: The woods are burning...the woods are burning...
>
>"WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?" Barked Kraven.
Crow: He thinks he's Usagi Yojimbo. Sad, really.
>
>"Private WhiteEars survived an attack by the MIBs. He's a bit
>shell shocked..."
Mike: "Must," "must," why "must?" What power had Kraven over him?
>
>"NONSENSE.
Tom: That's what this post is. NONSENSE.
> Shell-shock is something weak humans get, not
>devilbunnies. Have this bun confined to quarters and transfered
>out as soon as possible. I'll have no weaklings in my---
Tom: Coffee?
Crow: Knapsack?
Mike: Laundry hamper?
>
>With a noise to deafen Frith himself, the hammer of the Gods
Crow: It's Gotterblackendecker.
>struck Wake Forest Warren over and over, shattering the dug in
>possitions and spilling dirt onto Col. Kraven.
>
>Kraven streaked out of the pillbox and jabbered on his comm unit
>as he rushed to C&C.
Tom: Comments and criticism?
> "What in Frith's name is going on?"
>
>"Sir, twelve high explosive missiles have just struck the area,
>left-center-right spread. Most of our external defenses are
>down!"
>
>"Dammit, why didn't the anti-missile systems launch!"
Mike: Sir, Lt. Dammit is in infantry. I'm Sgt. Sonafabitch.
>
>"Sir, we didn't know they were out there until they hit us--the
>things are invisible on radar."
Crow: No! Nothing can stop Radar!
> Another wave of death slammed
>into the warren,
Tom: [surfer] Dude! Surf's up!
> this time twice as hard, knocking Kraven off his
>feet as he entered C&C.
>
>"REPORT!"
Mike: Ahem. The Extinction of the Dinosaurs, by Mike Nelson. A
long, long time ago there used to be dinosaurs...
>
>"Sir, the outside of the warren has been repeatedly bombarded
>with high explosive missiles of an unknown design and orgin.
>Almost all of our external automatated
Tom: The extra 'a' is for extra automation!
> defenses are down and
>motion sensors are picking up somthing moving out there."
>
>"Get me any visuals you can!"
Crow: Here's our profit in the third quarter in red, with our cost
in blue. Now this pie chart here shows monthly expenditures...
> Wake Forrest Warren was placed in
>the most strategically sound area possible. There was only one
>clear appraoch to the warren and that was
Tom: I-80.
> covered in every
>possible way. It would take a full scale strike by several army
>regiments to penetrate their defenses. Yet, somehow, these....he
>hated to think it...human MIBs
Tom: Men in Black?
Mike: No, that's alt.alien.visitors. It's just down the hall to
the right.
> had managed to sneak stealth
>missiles through their defenses to knock them out.
>
>The visuals came up, fuzzy and distorted. In the distance,
>Kraven could see movement. He hit the vision enhancement.
Mike: If they have the vision enhancement, why don't they use that
in the first place?
> The
>air--helicopters of a design he couldn't recognize, floating in
>the air
Crow: Exactly the way bricks don't.
> like dragonflies of death and raining hot death onto the
>warren's automated defense perimiter. Behind and beneath them,
>an armored collum
Tom: Collum, Collum. What has it got in its nasty warrenses?
> of some kind--not tracked but walking, low to
>the ground--and troops of some kind behind that.
>
>This was it.
Bots: What?
Mike: No, 'it.' The impersonal pronoun.
> This was the nightmare Gato had predicted. The
>MIBs were attacking and the surface weapons -- top bunny
>technology -- were lying limp and impotent
Mike: Something tells me this is about more than just bunnies.
> in the face of this
>new enemy.
>
>But, where bunny tech had failed, bunny power would succeed.
>"Tell the troops to fall out and man the defensive positions.
Crow: Shouldn't that be "rabbit the defensive positions?"
Tom: You'd think they could at least be consistent in their
mythos.
>Set all external weapons to manual. Anyone who refuses to go
>out--shoot them!"
Mike: EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE!!
>
>"Sir?"
>
>"Do as I command! Meanwhile, order my private guard to accompany
>me to...the entrenched command and control center."
Tom: [Lovitz] Yeah, that's it. My secret fortress of solitude.
Yeah, with Superman. That's the ticket!
>
>Everybun in the base knew what that was. A private bunker,
Crow: An Archie Bunker.
>hidden in the back of the base with a clear escape route should
>things get comprimised. The Colonel was going to observe things
>from a titanium fortress for him and his men alone.
Mike: Nyah, nyah. This is my fortress and you can't come in.
Tom: No fair! Mom!
> The
>techbunny who delivered the order, deep in his heart, wanted to
>draw his weapon and shoot Col. Kraven in the face.
Tom: Yep, having your own ultra cool, impregnable, high-tech
fortress is bound to cause dissension in the ranks.
>
>THE FRONT LINES: 9:12
All: For Frith so loved the world...
>
>At first, the soldierbuns thought they could handle it--they
>thought they could deal with the missiles striking them with
>terrifying regularity
Mike: [in horror] They're so...AVERAGE!!
> as they desperately attempted to salvage
>the surface defenses. But, as they exited, the missiles struck
>closer and closer to home. And new weapons--energy weapons of
>some kind that reduced buns to ashes in seconds
Crow: Hot crossed buns, hot crossed buns. One a penny, two a
penny, hot crossed buns.
> --ate away at the
>lines. Even before they were fully deployed, Wake Forrest Warren
>had lost a quarter of it's number.
>
>And then the assault really began. The armored units weren't
>armored units--not traditional ones. They were _Things_
Tom: Things?
Mike: Yeah, you know, Things. Stuff. Do-jobbies.
Tom: Oh, *Things*. Well why didn't you say so in the first place?
> walking
>death machines built from nanotechnology and the broken corpses
>of bunnies and squirrels. They had four stubby, mechanical
>talons for legs, two chainguns for arms, two missile pods for
>shoulder and a screaming, demon head that spat focused energy
>rays.
Mike: They just described my great aunt.
> The abominations took twelve hits from a bunny gun--
Crow: Lets see...12 hits with type 4 armor, minus the shield
bonus...
>designed to take out a tank in one--before even stumbling. By
>the time they were finshed, the front line defense was shredded
>like a bunny in a blender.
Tom: It's the Lepusmatic '76!
>
>Then came the troops. Armored troops, black as night and armed
>to the teeth. Under the support of their black helicopter,
Tom: The U.N. forces moved into Washington, using their bar code
scanners to track gun owners and mow them down! Then the Russian
tank brigade entrenched under the Rockies moved in to capture
Utah. Then the...
Mike: [grabbing Tom] Enough alt.conspiracy for you.
> the
>MIB shock troops ground their way through the soldiers. Five
>bunnies fell for every MIB wounded.
Crow: Those bastards got Bugs! Get 'em!
> And they kept coming--over
>and over like an ebony tide of destruction, they evil,
Tom: You Jane.
> insectoid
>helmets laughing as they pulped the skulls of dead bunnies under
>their armored heels.
>
>Death had come to Wake Forrest Warren.
Crow: And he didn't even make reservations.
Mike: I have become death, destroyer of wabbits.
> Bunnies, once proud of
>their status as greatest living creatures on the planet, wept.
>Apocalypse was here.
>
>And then, a great screaming came from the woods
Tom: A screaming comes across the sky.
> as fifty high-
>powered bunny gun beams streaked from the trees and shattered a
>black helicopter. The MIBs, shocked by the sudden hail of fire
>from their left flank, turned to see what had happened.
Tom: [Brit] Those rabbits are dynamite!
Crow: [Brit] Would it confuse them if we ran away some more?
>
>Louis, Gato and the combined squirrel and bunny army--covered in
>mud and leaves to fool the MIB sensors
Crow: Apparently, the MIBs are rock stupid.
> --rained death onto the
>MIBs. With calm, almost stoic precision they delivered one head
>shot after another to the troops
Crow: [squeaky] I'm crushing your head. Crush, crush!
> before they re-organized and
>split--half advancing on the Warren and half merging with the
>woods to fight the new enemy.
Mike: The cast of Melrose Place.
>
>And, everywhere on that bright, sunny field the grass changed
>from green to hot, thick red--blood red.
>
>The battle was joined...
Crow: Already in progress.
>
>TBC
>
>0tt0 (arp...@psu.edu)
> "Dreams do not vanish, so long as people do not abandon them."
> --Phantom F. Harlock _Arcadia of My Youth_
>From: "Kkatman
Tom: Du.
> (Furry Rep)" <rich...@uidaho.edu>
>Reply-To: "Kkatman (Furry Rep)" <rich...@uidaho.edu>
>Newsgroups: alt.devilbunnies
>Followup-To: alt.devilbunnies
>Subject: Containment Breach (was Broad-Beam to ALL)
>Date: 1 May 1995 18:28:58 -0600
Tom: May day! May day! I'm going down!
>Organization: DevilBunnies News<->Mail Gateway
>Message-ID: <3o3uca$5...@xmission.xmission.com>
>References: <3o3g7p$q...@xmission.xmission.com>
>
> People came running.
Crow: Which is pretty amazing when you think about it.
Mike: Crow! No!
>
> What the fluffyhell
All: [snicker]
> was this? Since when did the Fudds pull
>in the Department of Agriculture to do their dirty work?
>Sometime after his arrival, Oregon had become a rabbit Quarenteen
Tom: Tarentino.
Crow: Wasn't he the director of Reservoir Rabbits?
>Zone.
>
> As the worker obediently slid inside the van, Cheshire turned
>and opened fire.
>
> A blizzard of bullets burst across the highway,
Tom: Bang, bang, bang!
Crow: Badadow! Badadow!
Mike: Kachew! Kachew! Kachew!
> scything down
>the others, ripping holes in the vehicles behind him. Red
>painted the interior of one Suburu as Cheshire marked it
All: Ewwww!
Tom: I didn't know rabbits marked their territory.
> for
>sustained fire. A moment later, the car erupted in violent
>flame.
Mike: Because everyone knows that when anything hits a car, it
explodes.
>
> He turned the morpharmor's automatic assult rifle on a
>motorcyclist, slicing him off his Yamaha and down towards the
>oncoming traffic.
Tom: He should've worn a helmet.
Crow: [Heston] You did it! You finally did it, you damn dirty
rabbits!
>
> A red light appeared before his eyes, hovering there.
Crow: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Mike: The trouble with rabbits driving is that they get caught
staring at the traffic lights.
> The roof of the van gave way. He thumped down onto his back,
>looking up at the catastrophically weakened metal above him.
>
> "?"
Mike: "!"
>
> Then, quickly, "Drive! Get us out of here!"
>
> And to the kidnapped: "Get on your little peeper..."
All: [clear throats] Hmm.
>
> *** *** ***
>
>********* Widebeam *********
>
>Dearest Sharree,
Crow: Bite me. Love, Num-num.
>
>> I told you to BACK OFF. I told you I had Ferrotti
Tom: Fellini.
Mike: I think you're stretching the director jokes, Tom.
> guarding
>>my family and I didn't NEED your help. In fact, The Ferrotti
>>told me that it was one of YOUR weapons that set the house on
>>fire, YOU are responsible for what happened. Ferrotti don't use
>>fire as a weapon, in fact they hardly use fire at all.
Crow: Except when they burn down people's houses.
>
> A misfire, I'm afraid.
Tom: Sorry about slaughtering your family. Were you close?
> The weapon was aimed at the Ferrotti
>that *instigated* the attack. From now on, I assure you, I will
>maintain a better level of marksmanship in my people.
Tom: Again, sorry about your family. Can we replace them for you?
>
>> Yah, Right, and if I believe that I'm the queen of the May.
>>I KNOW that your master wants an empath on his side.
Mike: ThE mAsTeR wOuLd LiKe PsIoNiCs.
>
> Oh? Have you spoken with Frith recently then?
> (Or are you somehow under the misguided assumption that I
>work *for* War?)
Crow: You know that I'm currently employed by Pestilence.
>
>> You think I would do THAT to my own family. your insane.
Tom: Which leads to creativity.
>
> That's your opinion.
>
> And as I doubt you would do that intentially, the actions of
>you and your lacky Istari
Bots: [siren noises]
Mike: Put down the Tolkien term and step away from the post. The
Copyright Bureau has you surrounded.
> in Oregon show you would be (and I'm
>betting *were*) willing to risk your family in your crusade.
>
>> Oh, now you were "Defending yourself" when I told you to
>>STAY OUT of that area.
Tom: What area?
Crow: Mitchell's area.
Tom: Yuck.
>
> I already had someone *in* the area, dearest, when you told
>me to stay out. If you hadn't been so bloody impatient, I would
>have pulled him out quietly as part of my visit and left your
>family to your own mechanizations.
>
>> make him pay for what he's doing and what he did to Warren.
> ^^^ ^^ ^^
Tom: Revenge for the Teapot Dome scandal!
>
> I'd always considered Frith more of an IT myself. Curious...
Crow: [Spock] Yet fascinating...
>
>the cheshire
>spokesman for the War of the Four
>prophet of Frith
>
> (o (o
>
>( ( ( (
> ( ( ( (
> ( ( ( (
> ( ( ( (
>
>******** END ********
Mike: Only you can prevent ASCII art. Think about it, won't you?
Tom: Let's scoot.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
(continued in part 2)