[MiSTied] Life Without Effort
Pee Kitty
I searched and searched for the perfect post to MiST. I looked high and
low, in every newsgroup possible, when suddenly, IT came to ME! Right in
the middle of alt.slack! How synchronistic is that? Well, without further
ado, here's my MiST. I'll REALLY appreciate any feedback or comments.
Email or post here.
=========================================================================
[Opening sequence]
[SoL, interior. Mike and Tom are staring intensely at Crow.]
MIKE: Oh, hi. We've just finished reading a few alt.paranet posts, and
decided to see if there's anything to psionic powers. Tom, are
you getting anything yet?
TOM: Nope, not a thought. Of course, in Crow's case, I guess that's to
be expected.
CROW: Why you telephone-psychic-quality psionicist...! <tries in vain
to swing at Tom>
MIKE: Guys, guys! We have to *concentrate* for this to work! Now
concentrate...
[Mike and Tom stare even more intensely at Crow. A soft hum builds up and
slow grows louder and louder until...Crow vanishes, in a puff of smoke.
Mike and Tom stare, shocked.]
TOM: We...we killed him!
MIKE: <paging through the book> I think this is...<looks up with a
stunned look>...pyrokinesis!
TOM: Oh, I knew we shouldn't have played with this stuff!
MIKE: I can't believe it...
[a muffled voice is heard from behind the wall]
TOM: Did you hear that?
MIKE: Yeah, sounds like it was coming from right...here.
[Mike starts pulling off panels until we see Crow imbedded in the wall]
CROW: That was Teleportation, not Telepathy, Mike!
MIKE: Sorry about that, buddy. I'll toss the book out right away, I
promise.
[Mad's light flashes]
MIKE: Great, Ivan is calling. <hits the light>
[Deep 13]
DR. F: Good evening, Nenslo. I see you've learned the first rule of
psionics: Don't try to master mental powers if you don't have
a mind. I've been a bit short-handed lately, so we'll have to
skip the invention exchange. We'll just get right to tonight's
post--a lovely little rant about integrated thinking by a
fanatic Neo-Tech proponent. Oh, and Mike?
[SoL]
MIKE: Yes?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: That wall panelling *will* be coming out of your salary.
[SoL]
MIKE: <sighs>
[Lights flash, buzzer sounds, general chaos]
ALL: We've got post sign!
[*...6...5...4...3...2...1]
> Newsgroups: alt.neo-tech,alt.philosophy.objectivism,alt.slack
> From: thin...@netcom.com (THINKfirst!)
> Subject: Life without effort
MIKE: Is this an instruction manual?
CROW: Oh no...not another MAKE.MONEY.FAST scheme!
> Date: Sun, 18 Jun 1995 08:28:59 GMT
> Lines: 101
>
>
> Laziness is a bizarre concept, if you
> really stop and think about it.
>
TOM: So is Spam.
CROW: And Scientology.
TOM: And Barney.
CROW: And Elvis impersonators.
TOM: And -
MIKE: Do you two mind? I'm trying to stop and think about it!
> We have a highly developed mind that
> can understand and integrate reality,
TOM: ...blend frozen daquiris, and julianne fries!
CROW: Yours now for just $19.95, and we'll throw in the recipe book!
ALL: <audience noises> Ooooh!
> its tangible facets and its abstract
> concepts.
MIKE: This post seems rather abstract so far.
>
> Since knowledge builds upon previous
> knowledge, it is a dynamic process --
> it is a *growing* process. This
> process of growing, of learning, of
> integrating, is the very essence of the
> conscious mind.
CROW: What's with the 40 columns?
MIKE: I guess he's on a VIC-20 or something.
> If we stop growing,
> if we stop integrating, if we stop
> THINKing for ourselves, our mind
> stagnates,
TOM: And begins to RANdomly capITALize WORDS.
> becomes nonconscious, and
CROW: Runs for Congress.
> is little more than a mushy mass of
> cells inside our skulls.
TOM: Sick of those old mushy cells? Try new improved Neo-Cells!
CROW: Guaranteed to stay crispy, even in milk!
MIKE: That's kind of gross, guys.
>
> And it's what we're reaching for when
> we hope and dream of a life without
> effort. It's what we wish for when
> we imagine being rich and living on
> a yacht somewhere.
CROW: And being able to afford a monitor with 80 lines.
> We're wishing to
> STOP using our mind.
TOM: Apparently his wish has come true.
> We're wishing to
> NOT have to utilize our consciousness.
> We're wishing it would all just go away.
MIKE: Especially this post.
>
> But the very thing that life is *about*
> is that which we avoid like the plague:
CROW: Monosodium glutemate?
TOM: Saccharin?
MIKE: The stuff inside of Twinkies?
> honesty and EFFORT.
CROW: Oh.
MIKE: I think you came closest.
>
> To GROW is a dynamic process.
> To LIVE is not an avoidance of our essence,
> it is an embracing of our potential!
TOM: To READ is a painful process involving bad rants, inflicted upon
you by evil mad scientists!
MIKE: And evil mad Neo-Tech ranters.
>
> There is knowledge that we don't yet
> have. There is information that we have
> not yet discovered. There are adventures
> that we have not yet faced.
TOM: There is a point that this post has yet to make.
>
> But the only way to get there is to
> exert some honest effort. If we revert
> to laziness, those exciting dicoveries,
> those exciting adventures, that exciting
> future,
MIKE: Are you guys as excited about this as I am?
TOM & CROW: <monotone> Yaaaaaay.
> will always be on the horizon.
> It will always be "tomorrow."
ALL: <singing> "Tomorrow", "tomorrow", I love you, "tomorrow"...
>
> So many people
MIKE: How many people?
> --*SO* many people--
MIKE: Oh.
> have
> just rejected all that Neo-Tech and Zon
> have to offer
TOM: And *SO* many more people will reject it in the future!
> simply because they don't
> like the way it "sounds", or they don't
> like the way its proponents argue, or
> they don't like the way it looks...
CROW: ...Or they don't like the required neuterings.
MIKE: Crow!
>
> But they don't bother to THINK about it.
MIKE: Hey, some decisions are easy to make.
TOM: If Neo-Tech teaches people how to think, how do they expect them to
think about it before learning Neo-Tech?
CROW: They don't; they expect them to THINK about it.
TOM: Ah.
> They don't bother to exert the honest effort
> to leave laziness behind
MIKE: Get thee behind me, laziness!
TOM: What's wrong with a little laziness?
CROW: If this guy were a little lazier, maybe he wouldn't be filling up
the newsgroups with this stuff.
> and SEE reality
> more clearly than ever before.
CROW: Since I joined Neo-Tech, I learned to SEE reality clearly.
MIKE: I now SEE that my parents are evil and that my dog is my lord
and master.
>
> It's so easy to reject something that
> seems foreign and uncomfortable.
TOM: Neo-Tech makes Yugos?
> But to
> do so without THINKing about it is to
MIKE: Oh boy, there's that CAPITALIzation again. THINKfirst!, THINKing...
CROW: For someone as pro-thought as he is, you'd think he would have
stayed awake in English class.
> default on and bypass our very essence,
TOM: I play a THINKcard and default on your essence.
CROW: Oh yeah? Well, my Zon token bypasses your THINKcard, and I get
to untap my Honesty Base.
MIKE: What the heck are you guys playing?
TOM: ZONpower, the Neo-Tech collectable card game!
MIKE: Well, put it away. It's more annoying than Magic.
> the essence of consciousness, which is
> to think and to integrate.
>
> How silly is that.
CROW: The last paragraph? Pretty silly, all right.
> How dumb. How
CROW: Now, don't be *too* hard on yourself.
TOM: Are you kidding? A post this bad takes a special kind of brain.
CROW: What kind?
> infinitely small...
TOM: Exactly.
CROW: You planned that!
> to bypass our essence.
>
> It is a true sign that we live in an
> upside-down anticivilization
MIKE: Isn't an upside-down anticivilization just a normal civilization?
TOM: No, it's an anticivilization standing on its head.
MIKE: How can an anticivilization have a head? For that matter, what is
an anticivilization?
CROW: <Time-Life announcer voice> These questions, and many more, are
answered in Neo-Tech's _Secrets of the Anticivilization_. Read the
books.
> that we
> actually WANT the easy way,
ALL: Heck, yeah!
> that we
> actually RESIST effort
ALL: Yeah!
> and honesty.
ALL: Yea--uh...
CROW: We don't resist honesty!
TOM: We *honestly* hate this post!
MIKE: I think he's just used to talking to fellow Neo-Tech followers.
>
> For once we make the integration, we
> realize that to exert honesty and EFFORT
> is to grasp and embrace and *squeeze*
MIKE: I'm not sure if you guys should be reading this post.
CROW: Come on, it's not as bad as the stuff in alt.electrolux.bondage.
TOM: Or alt.ge.washer+dryer.spin-cycle.
MIKE: How did you get into those groups?
CROW: You really shouldn't leave your computer unattended, Mike.
> the essence of our very existence, our
> very consciousness! We find a new
> energy and excitement and joy and
> sense of adventure!
>
MIKE: Are you guys still excited?
TOM & CROW: <monotone> Yaaaaaay.
>
> And that is the identification of Zon.
>
ALL: <begin humming the theme from _2001_>
>
> To THINK for yourself and draw your
> own conclusions, check out the Web site
MIKE: Visit our web site!
CROW: We'll tell you how to think for yourself!
TOM: The Neo-Tech way!
> at:
>
> <http://www.neo-tech.com/zonpower/>
>
CROW: Will visiting the web site fill me with energy and excitement and
joy and sense of adventure?
TOM: No, but you can order more ZONpower cards there!
CROW: Cool! I need an Essense of Consciousness artifact.
>
> --
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
> T H I N K f i r s t !
MIKE: I think it's really POSTfirst!, THINKsecond!
>
> What is is. Perceive it. Integrate it honestly. Act on it. Idealize it.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOM: What is is?
MIKE: The scary part is, that's not a typo.
CROW: I think this is a checklist. Let's see. This post is.
TOM: Horrible.
MIKE: Check!
CROW: We perceived it.
TOM: Unwillingly.
MIKE: Check!
CROW: We...um...integrated it honestly.
TOM: Does that mean we honestly hated it?
CROW: I think so.
MIKE: Check!
CROW: We acted on it.
TOM: Well, we acted over it, at least.
MIKE: Umm...check!
CROW: We idealized it.
TOM: Ideally, it would be set on fire and cast to the winds.
MIKE: <pushing the (D)elete button> Check!
TOM: Now let's get out of here!
[1...2...3...4...5...6...*]
[SoL. Crow is wrapped up in bandages and is watching Mike and Tom talk]
MIKE: Well guys, how can we apply the teachings of Neo-Tech to our
experiments?
TOM: Well, we should integrate our experiment, apply its use honestly,
and apply proper effort into its idealization!
MIKE: Good! Now, can you put that in English?
TOM: Um...no.
MIKE: Okay, how about telling me how...um...<begins sweating> is it
getting hot in here?
TOM: I...I think so. My circuits are melting!
[Mike looks at Crow, who is staring at them both intensely]
MIKE: Uh, Crow, you're not still upset about that little Teleportation
accident, are you? Crow?
[Mike and Tom vanish in a puff of fire and smoke. Crow snickers.]
[Deep 13]
DR. F: Looks like I'll have to call HappyTemps again.
[Dr. F sighs as he pushes the button]
\ /
\ / [roll credits]
O
/ \
/ \
DISCLAIMER: I'm not a big fan of disclaimers. ALL the characters and
settings in this post (with the exception of THINKfirst!) belong to Best
Brains, Inc., and if they want to sue me, they can--I make less than
$4,000 a year. This MiSTing is not intended as an attack on THINKfirst!
or Neo-Tech or Zonpower. THINKfirst! is an okay guy, even if he is a
Zonhead, and for all I know, Neo-Tech might really *be* the one true
thing that will prevent death and save the world. Somehow, I doubt it.
Please direct all comments to <pki...@netcom.com>. This is my first
MiSTing, and I would really appreciate feedback!
> is little more than a mushy mass of
> cells inside our skulls.
--
Rev. Pee Kitty, of the order Malkavian-Dobbsian
Meow!
* Are you abnormal? Then you are probably BETTER than most people! *
* ETERNAL SALVATION OR TRIPLE YOUR MONEY BACK! For info send $1 to *
* The Church of the SubGenius / P.O. Box 140306 / Dallas, TX 75214 *
* SubGenius Text Files! FTP over to [ftp.netcom.com/pub/pk/pkitty] *
THINKfirst!
I'm only upset that you didn't crosspost
it to alt.neo-tech! This is actually
pretty funny!
There are some mean-spirited jabs sewn
throughout that are unfair in this context,
and some of the banter is untrue to the
show (though true to alt.slackers),
but all-in-all I'd say this was quite
creative. Though it does go to prove
my contention that you've got too much
time on your hands. ;-)
-----------------------------------------------------
Pee Kitty (pki...@netcom.com) wrote:
: This is my first ever MiSTing! I feel like a virgin again...
Pee Kitty
: I'm only upset that you didn't crosspost
: it to alt.neo-tech! This is actually
: pretty funny!
Thanks! You're not the first person to suggest a cross-post. I think I'll
do another alt.slack/alt.neo-tech post for it...it's not like we haven't
got enough of them already. :-)
: There are some mean-spirited jabs sewn
: throughout that are unfair in this context,
I admit that. I didn't really attack the material; I attacked the words
themselves. But that's what it was SUPPOSED to be!
: and some of the banter is untrue to the
: show (though true to alt.slackers),
<sigh> I haven't watched the show in so long...we don't get it here. I'm
working from memory when it comes to character interaction.
: but all-in-all I'd say this was quite
: creative. Though it does go to prove
: my contention that you've got too much
: time on your hands. ;-)
No kidding...and I wouldn't have it any other way!