MSTed: CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER (new!)
Lisa D. Jenkins
MiSTied by Lisa Jenkins
DISCLAIMER:
_Mystery Science Theater 3000_, its characters and situations are copyright
1994 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any
copyrights held by Best Brains, Comedy Central, its employees or the
originator of the material for this post. This article is free to distribute
as long as its contents and this notice remains intact.
[Satellite of Love]
[Camping and other gear is strewn out along the desk of the control room. TOM
is helping MIKE stuff a duffel bag by pushing his head against the blanket,
making an "Oomph" noise each time.]
MIKE: Hey, there! We're getting ready for our very first away-from-the
satellite trip. Let me tell you, we're all pretty excited. [to TOM]
That's good, Tom. Enough. Thanks.
[CROW ENTERS stage right, carrying luggage.]
CROW: Dum de dum dum. Oh, hi. I'm all packed. What about you?
MIKE: Crow, what are you doing with the luggage?
CROW: I don't know about you folks, but I've made hotel reservations.
MIKE and TOM: WHAT?!
CROW: Now, don't blame me if you didn't book the Forrester package early and
get yourself a hotel room.
MIKE: I don't believe this.
CROW: Ah, yes. While you to are off "roughing it" as you so eloquently put it
in the woods of Eden Prairie, I and my newly-formed entourage will be
soaking restfully in the whirlpool at the Radisson South.
TOM: By the time we heard about this trip, all we could get was the Frank
packages. Mike, is this fair?
MIKE: No, my friend. It's poetic justice.
[Mad Scientist lights flash.]
MIKE: Ah. The con suite and gopher are calling. [hits button]
[Deep 13]
DR F: Well, my outdoorsman, we couldn't let you come back down the Earth cold
turkey--
FRANK: --although we have quite a turkey for you down here!
DR F: Frank, if you'd mind.
FRANK: Oh, not at all. Go right ahead, your evilness. [Pause, but not long
enough for DR F to get a word in.] After all, why should I mind?
[Another pause, but again not long enough.] It's no skin off my nose.
[Shorter pause.] Nothing I need to worry my pretty little head about--
DR F: FRANK!!!
FRANK: [innocently] You rang?
DR F: Go...polish something.
[FRANK gives a mock solute and walks off camera. DR F icily watches him go.]
DR F: I never thought he'd leave.
[In the background, FRANK leans into the camera's view and waves. DR F turns
slightly and glares, making FRANK cringe and duck out of sight again.]
DR F: Now where was I? Oh yes! A last minute post before crash-landing back
to Earth....
[Satellite of Love]
MIKE: Hey, now, we're going on vacation! You can't make us go into the
theater now -- we're packing!
[Deep 13]
DR F: [chuckles] Oh yes, I can! I OWN you, Nelson! And just for that, I'll
repost that CURIOUS article that was from alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre you
missed -- only I'll send you the CROSS-post from alt.comedy.standup
instead!
[Satellite of Love]
MIKE: Which article did I miss?
TOM: You don't wanna know.
[Movie Sign lights FLASH.]
CROW: Doesn't look like we've got a choice.
MIKE: Here we go again! It's repost sign!
[Door sequence]
[Satellite of Love Theater]
TOM: Okay, guys, let's promise not to do the same jokes, okay?
CROW: I won't if HE won't. [indicates MIKE]
MIKE: What are you talking about? I wasn't even here!
> Newsgroups: alt.comedy.standup
> Subject: Curious Millionaire
TOM: Yes, as a millionaire, I am curious -- would your wife sleep with me for
half a mill?
> Message-ID: <205400Z...@anon.penet.fi>
> From: an12...@anon.penet.fi
> Date: Mon, 29 Aug 1994 20:33:04 UTC
> Reply-To: an12...@anon.penet.fi
> Organization: Anonymous contact service
> X-Anonymously-To: alt.comedy.standup
MIKE: I see a comedian is still a little frightened to come out of the
closet....
> Lines: 106
CROW: That's 106 lines too many!
>
> Curious millionaire
MIKE: I'm curious -- what would a millionaire be doing posting from an
anonymous service in Finland to alt.comedy.standup?
TOM: --and alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre?
CROW: --and other alt.comedy.* newsgroups?
>
> I am very intelligent, attractive, caring, considerate,
TOM: --also stupid, ugly, deceitful and lying through my teeth.
> respect women,
CROW: But only if they are barefoot and pregnant.
> have a gentle, non-violent but strong personality,
MIKE: Especially when I tie my lover down and whip her--
CROW: Mike! Where on EARTH did you get that?!
MIKE: Hey, can't a man have his fantasies?
TOM: Not in a family post, Mister!
> excellent sense of humor,
MIKE: Well, that's true. He's got to have quite a sense of humor to be
posting an anonymous relationship request to alt.comedy.standup.
TOM: --and alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre.
CROW: --and other alt.comedy.* newsgroups.
MIKE: Hey, we've covered this.
> love life, fit, healthy, 5'11" 160 lbs -
> basically I have it all -
MIKE: See how he tactfully forgot to mention that he is seven to ten inches.
CROW: Seven to ten inches of what?
> so why this letter to the world?
TOM: Because you're a pimply young adolescent who hacks into his father's
Internet account and has way too much time on your hands?
>
> A most unusual situation to be in -
MIKE: --finding myself naked and painted blue, hanging upside down from the
roof of my house, looking down over all the townspeople as they cheer.
CROW: Yeah, that would be weird.
MIKE: It happened to me once. Really. It did.
TOM: You're sick, Mike.
> I make more money in a week
> than most Americans make in a year
CROW: Aha! He makes more than $6,500!
TOM: That's a lot of pencil and string to be selling on a corner.
> and could make far more if I wished
MIKE: Wouldn't you like to make more money?
TOM and CROW: [falsetto] Sure, we all do!
> (I can verify this for serious responses if it is relevant - which
> under certain circumstances it can be).
CROW: I wonder what kind of circumstances?
MIKE: Well, if you're rich, too. Or you have really, really big--
TOM: Mike!
MIKE: --stereo speakers. I was gonna say stereo speakers.
CROW: Sure, you were.
> I am also one of the wealthiest
> men in America.
CROW: Aha! He's the man who invented infomercials!
> But as the saying goes, money does not happiness
> buy.
TOM: And formal education does not always English apply.
>
> I am a very curious and active man who has spent most of his
> time pursuing
CROW: --getting a life.
MIKE: But it was all in vain.
> his ideals (which indirectly has led to great
> financial success - multiplied through inheritance)
TOM: --times by stupidity and divided by intelligence.
> - this has
> meant lots of hard work, late nights and a minimal social life.
MIKE: Now, why am I not surprised?
> What free time I have made for myself I have spent with my 13
> year old son. (Also have 20 and 23 year olds - all same mother).
TOM: Note that I do not spend time with my 20 or 23 year old siblings, nor do
I spend much time with said mother.
MIKE: Except that one evening nearly 14 years ago.
TOM: Well, yeah. Except that.
> Each year we take a trip to Europe and a trip to the Caribbean
> where we may rent a house or island hop.
MIKE: Is this the rich equivalent of "squatting"?
TOM: I wonder if any of his tutors ever pointed out that the Caribbean is
nowhere near Europe?
CROW: I'm still waiting to see an island hop. Or do the hula. Or dance, or
do a little jig.
TOM: Crow, you promised.
> Weekends are spent on a
> family estate outdoors when the weather is good, and inside with
> computers and other more cerebral pursuits when the weather is
> bad.
TOM: And when it is snowing, we build snowmen. And when there is a
thunderstorm, we go out to have our car washed. And when there is a
tornado, we go to have a laugh at the people who have lost their homes,
especially in the trailer parks.
> I have had a number of longer term relationships but either
> was not with the right person or I was not ready to "settle
> down".
CROW: Obviously. So, what DID happen to your, uh, wife?
MIKE: I wanna know what he did with his first two children.
>
> I have watched my business friends "die" as
CROW: --I laughed in their faces, twisting the knife in their bellies and
inheriting their wallet with credit cards and cash!
MIKE: Now who's sick, Crow?
> they pursued
> greater and greater wealth and power - sometimes literally,
TOM: Ah. He's a friend of the Kennedys.
> sometimes figuratively as they lost the ability to enjoy their
> wealth.
CROW: You know, being rich really gets to be SUCH a bore!
MIKE: [chuckles] Oh, Crow! I know what you mean!
> Having avoided this situation, I do not wish to fall into
> the same trap when my son starts to pursue his own life - which
> is not that far away.
TOM: Now that I've grown weary of him and plan to disinherit him.
>
> I have enough money for ten lifetimes and wish to live the
> rest of mine doing what I truly enjoy with those whose company I
> enjoy.
MIKE: Didn't your mother ever tell you money can't buy you love?
TOM: No, the Beatles said that.
MIKE: I guess he's not a classic rock fan, then.
>
> This means a social life - hard to start, especially when I
> have not been interested in the pursuit of the fame and glory
> which those around me seem to take such pleasure in, be it in the
> entertainment, political or business world. Obviously the bar
> scene and visiting museums etc. are not the way to go.
TOM: Hey, bar scenes are pretty anonymous, I hear.
CROW: Visiting museums? You can pick up chics that way?
MIKE: What happened to the good old days when you could pick up zucchini and a
woman at the grocery store?
> Therefore, as a start, this letter.
ALL: --SUCKS!
MIKE: Oh, wait. He had a period there. I guess he was finished.
CROW: I wasn't.
>
> I appreciate and am used to the finer things of life and now
> want to share these with a kindred spirit. The outdoors, nature,
> travel, good conversation,
TOM: --will not be found when you're with me!
> a physically active life (which
> includes a good sex life) are all important.
MIKE: Especially a good sex life.
TOM: Did you know that swimming is more exerting than love-making?
CROW: Really?
MIKE: So, then, making love in a pool would be the ultimate work-out.
TOM: Apparently.
>
> Of special importance is that my partner (whether for a year
> or a lifetime)
CROW: Hey, one-night-stands are okay by me!
> must be curious, see wonder in the world around
> her, be active and be attractive. Some may say that looks are
> not important,
ALL: --not me!
> but I have been used to being with attractive and
> sometimes very beautiful women,
MIKE: Oh, I'll bet.
ALL: NOT!
> and see no reason why somewhere
> there should not be a woman of intelligence, character and looks
> who is compatible with me.
MIKE: I'm sorry, but any woman who is intelligent would already be out of your
league.
> When I have a choice, as I will now
> that establishing a social life and a stable relationship is a
> priority, I see no reason not to at least start off with someone
> pleasing to my eye.
TOM: What kind of woman is he looking for? A Rembrandt?
MIKE: As long as it isn't a Picasso.
> Age range should be 30 to 40, though there is
> always the exception on either side. Geographic location is
> unimportant, though the United States would be more convenient.
CROW: [mock upper class voice] Oh, I DO hate to go abroad to find my dates!
MIKE: I thought he was just looking for a broad?
TOM: D'oh!
>
> Please respond with photo(s) and a good description of
> yourself and your goals to: Curious
> 1200 North Nash Street, # 529
> Arlington, Va, 22209
TOM: And send $5 (non-refundable) for processing.
>
> Note: This is a guest residence I maintain for visitors to
> Washington, D.C. It has spectacular views of the city through 14'
> high windows overlooking the Potomac River.
MIKE: I've been there. Not quite as he describes.
CROW: Oh, yeah? What's it like?
MIKE: Oh, there are 14 foot high windows alright, but there aren't any walls
to hold them up. And the Potomac River? I guess you could call that
muddy sludge surrounding it a river, yeah.
CROW: Really?
MIKE: No, I'm making it up. I'm a temp. You think I earned enough money to
travel to Arlington, Virginia?
> I do not live there,
> so for those who may wish to take a more forward approach than
> the mails, it will not serve any useful purpose.
ALL: Or would it?
MIKE: I guess he doesn't want people to know what a dump it is.
CROW: You know, if he were so clever, he would have gotten himself a P.O. box.
TOM: Who was implying he was clever?
>
> A few details about myself:
CROW: I'm selfish, ignorant, and outright lying to you.
TOM: This is new info?
> Gardening is important to me -
> my partner does not have to be an avid gardener, but would have
> to appreciate beautiful and interesting gardens.
MIKE: Especially that large man-eating plant I keep in my office.
> I enjoy the
> water, from snorkeling to walking the beach, light sailing, etc.
> I enjoy almost all types of music (heavy metal is out).
CROW: [country hick voice] Country is in!
> I enjoy
> good food, travel, reading, sculpture, laughter, relaxed evenings
> at home, and most importantly a caring and alive woman who wants
> to savor all the world has to offer.
MIKE: Well, at least he has one redeeming quality.
TOM and CROW: He does?
MIKE: He wants her alive. At least he's not into necrophilia.
CROW: MIKE! That's IT! You've gone too far!
MIKE: What did I say?
> I am a liberal conservative
> or a conservative liberal,
CROW: Eik! Rush Limbah is looking for another wife already!
TOM: First CompuServe, now this.
> depending on your point of view, non-
> religious, but believe in a higher power.
MIKE: Ah. He believes in Republicans.
>
> I give wonderful massages, and enjoy them equally.
MIKE: Oh, I get it. If you ask for a massage, he'll say, "Okay, but you give
me one first...."
CROW: And then fall asleep while you give him a backrub?
MIKE: Yep.
CROW: I hate that.
> I believe
> that physical compatibility is a must
MIKE: Your sexual organs are WHERE?! Oh, I'm sorry, we're just not
compatible.
> and that the act of making
> love, like a good meal, should be savored and appreciated as long
> as possible, that giving pleasure is as important as being given
> pleasure.
TOM: I think I'm gonna be sick.
>
> Drugs are absolutely out.
CROW: Unless you're offering. Then it's okay.
> I am a non-smoker and very light
> social drinker.
TOM: Did I mention that I have a one-month medallion from Al-Anon?
MIKE: God, grant me the serenity to accept the fact this man is a jerk.
> I do not ski and am not particularly fond of
> winter sports. I am not a team sports fanatic, though I can watch
> a game of football, baseball, etc. without going to sleep.
CROW: [snoring sounds] --Huh? What? Did you say something, honey?
>
>
>
>
>
MIKE: Oh. So that's it, then. That's all he has to offer?
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> To find out more about the anon service, send mail to he...@anon.penet.fi.
TOM: Or better yet, just send help.
> Due to the double-blind, any mail replies to this message will be anonymized,
> and an anonymous id will be allocated automatically. You have been warned.
> Please report any problems, inappropriate use etc. to ad...@anon.penet.fi.
CROW: Dear Admin: I have a problem -- millionaires are being too curious on
your system.
MIKE: Well, that's hardly inappropriate. Maybe we can get him on being
vaguely annoying?
TOM: Let's go.
[Door sequence]
[Satellite of Love]
MIKE: [shouts to somewhere off camera] GYPSY! COME ON, GIRL! WE'RE READY TO
GO!
[MIKE and the other 'bots stand around, their bags all packed. MIKE looks at
his watch then sighs.]
MIKE: [making conversation] Gee, I can't believe it. I missed that post the
first time around?
TOM: Yep.
[Silence again as they shift their weight, look at the walls and pass time.]
MIKE: Didn't miss much, did I?
CROW: Nope.
[They stand around, looking at their packed bags. Suddenly GYPSY pops up.]
GYPSY: I'm ready!
[GYPSY dumps a small, tightly compact bag on the control table.]
MIKE: What's this? Gypsy, we're going on a trip to Earth. We don't know how
long we'll be away from the satellite. Don't you think you might need
more than a little travel bag?
GYPSY: Nope.
CROW: Hey, be grateful, Mike. Last time we went down to Earth, Gypsy had to
bring her entire Richard Basehart video collection!
GYPSY: Brought it.
MIKE: What do you mean you brought it? They don't even have VCRs at the hotel
convention.
GYPSY: Got that, too.
MIKE: Really? And you put that all in this little bag? Wow!
TOM: Uh, Gyps, I'd hate to break it to you, but the Radisson has little cable
boxes that prevent you from hooking up a VCR.
[GYPSY stares out into blank space for a moment.]
GYPSY: Oh! Almost forgot!
[GYPSY drops down and disappears, then reappears with a large screwdriver in
her mouth. She drops it on the table.]
MIKE: [picks up larger-than-bag screwdriver and the smaller-than-screwdriver
bag] Now how are we gonna get this in there? [begins to fiddle with
bag]
CROW: [warning sing-song voice] I wouldn't do that....
[Suddenly the bag balloons open like an auto-inflating raft.]
TOM: Ooo! It is balloon!
MIKE: [fights with increasingly-growing bag] Why don't you take it from here,
sirs? This is going to take a while...!
[Deep 13]
DR F: No more waiting, Nelson! It's time to come down from there. Frank!
Push the button!
FRANK: [returning from off screen] Do you want me to keep dusting or to push
the button?
DR F: I said push the-- Oh, nevermind. Why do I have to do everything around
here?
[DR F pushes button]
FRANK: Oh, look. Now you've dirtied that button I just nicely polished! And
we've got guests coming!
DR F: FRANK!!!!
--
Lisa Jenkins "You have been warned."
jen...@mhd1.moorhead.msus.edu --ad...@anon.penet.fi