[MiSTied] The Longest Thread Ever! 1/2
Claye Hodge
back something called The Longest Known Thread? Well here it is again.. but
it's MiSTied this time. This is my second shot at MiSTing.. So if you like
this pile o'poopie.. E-mail crh...@delphi.com... Let the fun begin!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[opening credits.]
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...
[SOL]
[Crow's computer is on the desk. Crow is muttering while typing on the
keyboard.]
CROW: Ok.... (breathes.) let's see.. Ah.. transfer successful..yes..two
files transferred.. ah good.. good.. Ok.. (types on computer.) Log
off... Hehehe.. this game's supposed to be good, all I need to do
is install it.
[Tom comes on screen.]
TOM: Oh, Hiya Crow! whatchya got there?
[Mike runs on screen from the right and goes off screen to the left.]
CROW: Oh.. nothing. I was getting off the Information Super Highway after
getting this neato virtual reality game for my Pentium Processor
486 Hard-Drive, Soundblaster installed, with stereo speakers attached
with a 14.4 external modem, and CD-Rom installed computer.
TOM: (sarcastic.) Oh Please, Crow! Don't BORE me with you're lame-brain
computer.
[Mike runs back on screen and off screen again.]
CROW: (typing.) C..D.. Windows.. HEY! Oh and like YOUR computer is better
than my computer, Servo???
TOM: Better?? You BET it's better than that piece of garbage you've got in
front of you.. It's faster.. It can hold more stuff on it.. AND you
can do one thing while working on something else! Can YOUR computer
do that???
CROW: Uh.. well.. NO.. but at least I have a WORKING modem. How is that
thing that you call a modem, doing???
TOM: Well... I'm still working on it.. There are a few bugs still in it,
that I haven't caught yet. But DON'T worry.. I'll find them. But mine's
still faster!
[Mike runs on screen.]
CROW: Hey Mike, why don't you be the judge.. Who's computer is better? Tom's
piece of trash, or my Pentium Processor 486 har..
MIKE: I don't have time Crow. I'm trying to get ready for the invention
exchange. I'll be ready for Dr. Forrester THIS time. [Mike runs
back off screen.]
TOM: How about Gypsy?
CROW:Gypsy??? Naaahhh.. (sigh.)
TOM: Hey, what's that program? The icon looks sorta like a clown..
CROW: Oh.. Uhh.... It's nothing.. Nothing important.
TOM: I'll see for myself. [Tom clicks on the icon.] Oh so THAT's where you
got that idea of a clown helping you with your computer. Hahahaha!
veerryy impressive. Hahahaha!
CROW: Ok, wiseguy. Since your computer is SOOO fast.. put this disk in and
install that game I just downloaded. We'll have a little competition
using our modems..[Hands Servo the disk.]
TOM: Ok, it's a deal! [Tom slides his computer on screen and puts the
disk in.]
[commercials.]
[Crow and Tom are engrossed with their game. Mike is working on something
that he has covered.]
CROW: DIE DIE DIE!!!
TOM: I don't THINK so! Take THAT bird brain!!
CROW: Here's my secret weapon. Take THAT!
[Tom's computer starts to slow down. We hear a hissing sound. Smoke comes
from Tom's computer.]
TOM: What?? HEY! WHAT HAPPENED?????
CROW: I guess your computer was SOOO fast, it ran out of energy. Hehehehe.
TOM: NO FAIR!
[Mads light flashes.]
MIKE: Okay, Cool it you two. Marc Maron and Vinnie Fayale are calling. Hi,
Sirs.. I'm ready whenever you are. [Mike taps the Mads light.]
[D13]
[Dr. F is looking around Deep 13, and looking under the console.]
DR.F: Oh, uhhh.. Hi, we're still trying to look for this weeks experiment
so go back to what you were doing. Frank, have you seen that box of
disks??? It has this weeks experiment on one of the disks.
FRANK:[off screen.] I'm still looking for it.
[SOL]
MIKE: Gladly! Our experiment [Mads light flashes.] is..[Mike starts to pull
off the cover.]
TOM: Mike, the Mads are calling again.
MIKE: Doh! [Mike taps the Mads light.]
[D13]
[Dr F. and Frank are searching in a box full of disks in front of them.]
DR.F: Hi, we found the box. Now all we have to do is find the disk.
FRANK: [Holds up a disk.] Is this the one?
DR.F: NO! That's the Blossom FAQ. We did that one already!
FRANK: [Gets another disk.] I found it!
DR.F: Ah, GOOD! Your experiment is...
[SOL]
MIKE: HEY! What about the ivention exchange??? Ours is ready.
[D13]
DR.F: We're not doing the invention exchange this time. Hahaha!
[Deep 13's doorbell rings.] Frank, would you get the door?
FRANK: Okay Boss.. [Frank drops the disk back into the box.]
DR.F: FRANK! OH, now LOOK at what you've DONE!!
FRANK:[opens door.] Sorrrrrryy Saaaaaarrrrrrgggggeeee.
[Familiar haunting music starts to play. Torgo enters Deep 13 and walks
towards Dr. F.]
DR.F: What?!? YOU AGAIN????
TORGO: I fOrGoT To gIvE YoU yOuR SuPeR-bOwL SlUrPy cUp, FoR tWo Mr. pIbBs
CoUpOnS.
DR.F: Frank, deal with him while I try to find the disk, AGAIN.
[Frank goes off screen to find coupons. Dr.F is busy searching for the disk.]
DR.F:[still searching.] Uhhhh... Sorry, I'll find it in a second.
[Torgo slips into his pocket, pulls out a disk and puts it on the desk. Dr.F
looks up and sees the disk.]
DR.F: Here it is, Ick! [puts disk into the console.] This weeks post is..uh..
Well, I have no CLUE to what it is.. but you'll find out. Hahahaha.
[Dr.F pushes the button.]
[SOL]
MIKE: NO FAIR!! I had the invention ready too!
[post sign lights flash.]
TOM: Didn't Torgo put that disk on the desk????
MIKE: I don't know.
ALL: OHHHH WE'VE GOT POST SIGN!!!!!
7...6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Mike and bots enter theater. Mike puts Tom down.]
>thE MasTEr apPRoveS Of thE FOLlowinG PosT. It haS BeEN SurGIcalLY AlterED By
>thE MosT RecENt posTEr iN The tHREad. hOPe tHIs heLPS.
CROW: Thanks, but that doesn't ease the pain.
TOM: I TOLD YA! This is Torgo's disk!
MIKE: Come on, Tom. It's just started, how can you tell this early in the
post??
>
>From he...@fielding.demon.co.uk Fri Nov 4 14:46:27 CST 1994
>Article: 10680 of alt.slack
CROW: SLACKERS!!!
>Newsgroups:
talk.bizarre,alt.slack,alt.discordia,alt.stupidity,alt.religion.kibology
MIKE: Bizarre, Slack, and Stupidity in this post??? YOU BET!
>From: he...@fielding.demon.co.uk (Hooray Henry)
TOM:[female voice.] HEEEENRY!!
>Path:
nntp.st.usm.edu!darwin.sura.net!howland.reston.ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!demon
!fielding.demon.co.uk!henry >Subject: Re: LONGEST KNOWN THREAD - AND MOST
BORING >References: <alawyn-26...@alawyn.hip.berkeley.edu>
<38odhb$m...@hydra.cs.hope.edu> >Organization: Henry's Hidepit.
>Reply-To: he...@fielding.demon.co.uk
>X-Newsreader: Henry's HappyNews (tm)
CROW: How about Henry's DepressingNews?
>Lines: 313
>Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 03:18:11 +0000
>Message-ID: <783919...@fielding.demon.co.uk>
>Sender: use...@demon.co.uk
>Xref: nntp.st.usm.edu talk.bizarre:50886 alt.slack:10680 alt.discordia:11344
alt.stupidity:10756 alt.religion.kibology:33335 >
>IN arTiClE 261094...@Alawyn.hIP.BerKeLeY.EDU, AlA...@uclINK2.bERKELEY.edu
> (E. GaDS) wRiTes:
TOM:[British.] BY JOVE, I THINK HE'S GOT IT!
>|>In aRtICLE <38esab$p...@NEwS.BU.EDU>, cO...@cs.bU.eDu (J. COoPER) WroTE:
>|>
>|>h THiS ReMInDs Me oF a cRoss bETwEeN JACk haNdy ANd THAT OlD bbS prOgraM
>|>H RaCTer. YOu ReMeMBEr RActEr, DOn'T you?
CROW: Unfortunately, Yes.
>|>h
>|>h .-----------------------------------------------------,
>|>H | |
>|>h | a cOnvERsAtiON WiTh rACTER |
MIKE: On the next Interviews of a Lifetime with Barbara Walters.
>|>H | |
>|>h | COpYRIGHtED By InRAC cORporATioN, 1984 |
>|>H | PORTiONs coPyRIGhted By mIcroSOFT corPoRaTiOn, 1982 |
CROW: ThE mAsTeR ApPrOvEs oF CoPyRiGhTs.
>|>h | ........... |
TOM: They're playing Pong!
>|>H `-----------------------------------------------------'
MIKE: Whose Line is it Anyway????
>|>H
>|>H
>|>h HElLO, I'm RaCTER. are YOu ferDZ?
MIKE:[Too perfect Torgo.] i'M ToRgO, i TaKe cArE Of tHe PlAcE wHiLe ThE
mAsTeR's AwAy.
>|>h >NO.
>|>H Who ARe yoU Then?
TOM: I am Hercules!
>|>H >q
CROW: John De Lancie???
>|>H heLLo, Q. I beLIEVe yOu're iNterVieWING me. are yoU cOntiNUiNG
>|>H fErDZ's INTeRViEW?
TOM: Who is Ferdz??
>|>H >no
CROW: Uhhh.. YES! NO! Uhhh.. I give up.
>|>h tHEN WE'Ll fOrGeT aBout fERDz aND STArt OvER.
MIKE: I'd rather forget you, and not start at all.
> wHAt Would YOu
>|>H LiKE tO knOW? excUse ME a miNUtE wHiLE i ATtENd to soME BUSiNess
CROW: Ok, how do we turn you off?
TOM:[Wakko Warner.] I've gotta go potty
>|>H - i'Ll BE RIght baCk.
MIKE: Oh, that's okay.. In fact, don't worry about returning at all.
> i'm Back.
TOM: Rats!
>|>H >heLLo.
CROW: Goodbye.
>|>h asK A qUeSTioN, pleASE.
MIKE: Are you Evil?
>|>h >whAt IS up?
TOM: YO!
>|>H i doN'T kNOW WHAT up IS. do yOU ReaLLy feeL i aM Wise?
CROW: YOU'RE the one wanting us to ask you questions.
>|>H >dO yOU FeEL yOU ARe WisE?
TOM: More than you will ever be.
>|>h yeS, yoU do. bUt whAT AbOUt my qUESTioN? Do YoU honEsTLy
>|>h iMAgINe i aM SAgACiOUs?
>|>H >Maybe.
CROW: Maybe not.
>|>H Why?
>|>H >ThERE'S NO WAy tO TeLl.
>|>h IF ThEre'S No wAy tO TeLL tHEn gooFy IS MoRe woNderFUL tHan
>|>H MoThER TeReSa.
ALL: HUH??
> sOLomON ANd I THInK foulnESS Is fOoLISh, DON't
>|>H you? i'm aFRAId OF siLly bAts. What are yoU AFRaId OF?
>|>H >I'M aFRAid of YOu.
CROW: Me too.
>|>h THAT'S NoT nEarLy aS BaD As sIlliNESs; why arE YOu sUCh A coward?
TOM: Why are you so annoying??
>|>h >I haD a BAd expERieNCE whEN I was vERY yoUng.
TOM:[child's voice.] I got lost in a mall, and I couldn't find my mommy.
>|>h IF yOu hAd a Bad expERIENCE When YOU WAS VEry young then I cAN
CROW: When you WERE young.. not was.
MIKE: One spelling joke down.. one to go.
TOM: Aaron Spelling???
>|>H SeE wHY a WISE SoLOMON wOuld FiGhT RATHER THAn FaCE You, eVen
>|>h tHOugH gOoFY CLaIMED tHat you do FeeL me Are WISe. sOLOmoN
MIKE: What does Disney have to do with this??
>|>H tHoUGHt thiS Was teRrIfiC: Q, how aRe DogS lIKE BABIES? theIr
>|>H wISDOm And fOLly aRE INstaNtLY TerRiFyIng.
TOM: I don't get it.
CROW: YOU are terrifying.
>|>H NexT qUesTIon.
>|>h >hUH?
MIKE: Uhhh.. What was your first thought when reading this post.
TOM:[Alex Trebek.] Correct!
>|>h I dON't QUITe UNDERsTanD.
CROW: You're not the only one thinking this.
>|>H >Huh?
>|>h eH?
>|>H >HuH?
TOM: Eh?
CROW: Huh?
TOM: Eh?
CROW: Huh?
TOM: Eh?
MIKE: Cut it out, you two!
>|>H LET's TRY anotHEr qUeStIon.
>|>h >leT's NoT.
>|>H aSK A quEsTiOn, pLEasE.
TOM: No thanks.
>|>H >JfBgl.JDFHGKJFG?
>|>h eh?
CROW: Eegah!!!!
>|>H >WhaT Is your fUckIng PrOBLeM?
>|>h I DOn't kNoW wHaT my fUCKinG Is PrOblem. he HE. .. uM. uh ...
TOM: Woah!
CROW: Tut tut! Such language!
MIKE: Dr. Forrester! Have you no SHAME?????
>|>h .. uMPh. uM. heRe's A HiLaRiOuS oNe: NOW WAiT,
TOM: Okay.. Here it goes, so a guy walks into a bar....
> q, oBsCeNITy iS
>|>h ObscENE. BY ThE sAme toKen My ReflEcTiOn Is dEcEnt.
CROW: No, this post is obscene.
>|>h neVERtHElesS WheN apPAlLINg dOvES wiNg and sOar, ThEIR oWN
>|>H ObsCenity Is alwAyS HEsItAtinG And LOoNy. hA HA Ha hA!
MIKE: They're coming to take me away! Ha ha He he Ho ho..
>|>h an obScENe pUrITAN is STill Not A LARry flINT. ANthONy comStOcK
>|>H HaD maNY Good QUALItIeS, lIkE DEcency, but EVeN antHOnY comSToCK
TOM: But even Anthony Comstock had MORNING BREATH!
>|>h Was AfraId Of yOu. By tHe way, q, WHaT is yoUR laST naMe?
>|>h >phILOSOPheR.
CROW: Robot.
TOM: Servo.
MIKE: Nelson.
>|>h phiLosOPheR, Eh? SoundS VaGUElY fAmiLiaR. I wONdeR... NExt
TOM:(singing.) I Wah wah wah wah wonder....
>|>h qUESTIon.
>|>H >DoES youR cHeWING Gum LoSE ITs FlAVOR oN tHe beDPOST OvErNight?
CROW: Badoom boom ching.
>|>h NO. iT's FALse tHAt MY cheWing dOES gUm lOse ITs fLavor On THE
TOM: I class took in English Grammar an high school.
>|>H BEdPOSt oVeRnIGHT. LIttlE oRpHan AnNiE liKEd hAPpY dePResSIoN.
>|>H I'm KNowLEDgeABLE.
CROW: Like I'm REALLY going to believe THAT one?
> wHAt would You consIder onE of YoUr gOod
>|>h qUaLITiEs?
>|>H >THE abiLity TO HaVE An Almost-rEaL coNveRSaTiOn wiTh an INANImate
>|>oBJEct.
MIKE: In other words, having a conversation with you.
>|>h NAmE aNoTHEr.
>|>h >ThE aBiliTy TO see tHROugH waLLS.
TOM: Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!!
>|>H any OtHERs?
>|>h >yEs.
>|>H I ThinK YoU'Re eNtHusiAStIC. woULD you sAY yoU WERE GunG-hO?
>|>h >whaTEVeR
>|>H buT HOw CoULD a GUNg-ho smilER lIke YOU bE AFrAId oF YOu?
MIKE: I think he's afraid of YOU.
CROW: We ALL are afraid of him.
> tHAt
>|>h ReMindS me. NiEtZSChE SAId THat dEprESsIOn HaS tuRNED BeAsts
>|>H iNtO MEN. PErHapS, tHeN, dEPresSIOn WIll tURn ComPUters INTo
>|>h MEN?
CROW: A planet where computers evolved into men???
> yeS. frOwNeRS ANd sMilErS. litTlE orphaN annIe THouGHt
>|>H tHIS wAs TErRIfIC: q, How aRE hoUnDs LIke bAbIes? THEIR
>|>H hAPpIneSS AND DePreSsiON ARE momeNTariLY FrIGhTeNInG.
MIKE: But this post is constant in frightfulness... Come on we gotta go.
[Mike picks up Tom.]
TOM: I still say Torgo gave us this post.
CROW: Ohhh you don't know what you're talking about. Hey Mike, I gotta
show you some images I downloaded for Doom.
MIKE: Okay.
[Mike and bots leave the theater.]
[commercials.]
[SOL]
[Tom is standing in the middle of the desk. Mike and Crow are to the
left, engrossed with Crow's computer.]
TOM: Hey Sirs, since when are Deep 13 visitors able to give us experiments?
[D13]
[Dr.F is searching around. Torgo is still there.]
DR.F: Frank, have you found the coupons??
FRANK:[off screen.] No, not yet.
DR.F:[looks towards the screen.] Visitors?? What? You mean Torgo??? Oh Come
on! You babies can't take this week's experiment can you?? I know
some posts I've given you have been tough, but blaming TORGO for
THIS one?? Come on, you can do better than that, besides Torgo has
the IQ of a mule deer. Now get in that theater and finish the post!!
[Dr.F pushes the button.]
[SOL]
TOM: OHHH WE'VE GOT POST SIGN!!!
[Everybody panics.]
7...6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Mike and the bots enter the theater. Mike puts Tom down.]
MIKE: Neat pictures, Crow.
CROW: Yeah, I thought that myself.
>|>H NeXT qUEstiON.
>|>H >WhERE havE ALL thE FLOWErs goNe?
>|>h all haVE THE fLOwers GONE IN tHE uNiveRse. GOING! AH, TO GO
MIKE:[announcer.] GOING! GOING! GONE!!! IT'S A HOME RUN!!!
>|>H fOrEver! A traSH cAn iS a GOOd PLACe FOR a PLAybOy To rESide iN
CROW: YEAH! So can this post!
>|>h thE UNIVerSE. dO yOu hoNEStlY SUPpOse I am fICtioNal?
TOM: In other words not existing??? If we were only THAT lucky.
>|>h >I HoNostlY dON'T Care.
MIKE: They JUST DIDN'T CARE!!
>|>h wHy Don't yOu thINk sO?
>|>h >because NieTzsCHe saId THat dePReSSiON haS tuRned bEaSTs
CROW: Turned beasts stomachs.
>|>h VIRGiNiA WOOlF miGHT havE ThoUGHT THat nieTzsCHE SAId tHAT
>|>H dEPreSSioN haS tuRnEd bEAStS, BUT not sHaKespeaRE. the FiCtional
>|>h haVe EMotIonal WaYS. KeRChOO! I thiNK i'M gEtTINg a coLd.
>|>H MaYBE It's YoU TrYing TO Get mE. I'vE bEEn WOnDERiNG whERe YOu
>|>h ARe FROM, q?
MIKE: I'm from another dimension.
>|>H >FrOM THe twiLIgHT zoNE, raCTor.
>|>h you'rE froM THE TwiLigHT Zone?
BOTS:(singin.) Do DO Do do Do DO Do do..
>|>H >Yes i aM.
>|>H NoW i rEMEMber! i ONCE KNEW a hoRtEnse philosOPHer fROm The
>|>H twILigHT ZonE. YoU mUst BE RElAtED, nO?
>|>H >yEs, MOst DefiNateLy.
>|>h FAnTaSTiC! NeXT QUeSTioN.
CROW:[gangster.] Whats wit da questions????
>|>h >hA?
>|>H wHAT?
TOM: Garfield was funny, today.