MSTed: LSD, CIA, MST -- OH MY! pt 5/5 NEW!!!

[Lisa D. Jenkins]

LSD, CIA, MST -- OH MY!
Part 5
MiSTied by Lisa Jenkins

DISCLAIMER:

_Mystery Science Theater 3000_, its characters and situations are copyright
1994 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any
copyrights held by Best Brains, Comedy Central, its employees or the
originator of the material for this post. This article is free to distribute
as long as its contents and this notice remains intact.

[Continued from part 4:]

[Satellite of Love Theater]

[MIKE carries TOM in; CROW follows behind them.]

CROW: I think you messed with my paranoia sequencer. I think this post has
gone on too long! We've done four host segments!

MIKE: [puts TOM in his seat] You're imagining things. Now, hush.

>
> Along this line, Security officials proposed that LSD be administered to
> CIA trainee volunteers.

TOM: Introduce them early! Get them addicted at an early stage of their
training.

> Such a procedure would clearly demonstrate to
> select individuals the effects of hallucinogenic substances upon
> themselves and their associates.

CROW: That way, the rest of us can ridicule and laugh at them!

> Furthermore, it would provide an
> opportunity to screen Agency personnel for "anxiety proneness"; those
> who couldn't pass the acid test would be excluded from certain critical
> assignments.

TOM: Hee heheheheh! This is so COOL! I'm gonna go jump out a 20-story window
and FLY!

MIKE: We don't have to worry about him anymore, that's for sure.

CROW: Please clean up after yourself. I hate picking up after a messy acid
test.

> This suggestion was well received by the ARTICHOKE
> steering committee, although the representative from the CIA's Medical
> Office felt that the test should not be "confined merely to male
> volunteer trainee personnel,

TOM: --because that would violate the equal opportunities act.

MIKE: Let's get some women and minorities high, too. Then maybe we can have
some really cool orgies.

CROW: That's it, Mike. I ORDER you to stop making innuendo jokes. That's MY
job!

> but that it should be broadened to include
> all components of the Agency". According to a CIA document dated
> November 19, 1953, the Project Committee "verbally concurred in this
> recommendation".

MIKE: Unfortunately, they forgot to put the agreement down on paper, so their
lawyers were unable to support this information later.

>
> During the next few years numerous CIA agents tried LSD.

CROW: It was a requirement for the job!

> Some used the
> drug on repeated occasions. How did their firsthand experience with
> acid affect their personalities? How did it affect their attitude to
> their work --

MIKE: Oh, I'd say they probably LOVED coming in to work!

> particularly those who were directly involved in mind
> control research? What impact did it have on the program as a whole?

TOM: I'm just taking a wild guess here, but I'd say this explains a LOT about
what's happened with U.S. government since then.

>
> At the outset of the CIA's behavior control endeavors the main emphasis
> was on speech-inducing drugs. But when acid entered the scene,

TOM: --everyone became dead-quiet.

MIKE: Acid had that kind of effect on people.

CROW: Becoming dead or becoming quiet?

MIKE: Both.

> the
> entire program assumed a more aggressive posture. The CIA's turned-on
> strategic came to believe that mind control techniques could be applied
> to a wide range of operations above and beyond the strict category of
> "special interrogation".

CROW: Hmmm! I guess a little S and M really did a lot for the CIA operatives!

> It was almost as if LSD blew the Agency's
> collective mind-set -- or was it mind-rut?

MIKE: With their obsession with drugs, I'd say their minds were in a rut.

> With acid acting as a
> catalyst, the whole idea of what could be done with a drug , or drugs in
> general, was suddenly transformed.

MIKE: Drugs have always been used for chemical reactions. What's new here?

TOM: They simply put it on TV, that's what.

MIKE: Ah. Beakman's World.

CROW: Disney's Science Guy.

MIKE and TOM: Who?

> Soon a perfect compound was
> envisioned for every conceivable circumstance: there would be smart
> shots,

TOM: Ah! The new line of drug cameras!

> memory erasers,

TOM: The computer equivalent to bulk head tape erasers.

> "antivitamins",

MIKE: In that day and age, anti-health was all the rage.

> knock-out drops,

CROW: Pow! That'll drop you! Heh heh.

> "aphrodisiacs
> for operational use",

MIKE: Hmmm. Nurse, I'm feeling a little...sexy tonight.

CROW: [feminine voice] Not now, Doctor, we're in the middle of an operation!

TOM: You guys are sick! SICK!

> drugs that caused "headache clusters" or
> uncontrollable twitching,

MIKE: [as though eating candy] Yumm. Wanna try one? It's a headache
cluster. [offers candy to CROW]

CROW: Gee, I don't mind if I do.... Say, this doesn't cause any serious
effects, does it?

MIKE: Uh, no. But I can't tell 'cause my eyes keep twitching.

> drugs that could induce cancer,

TOM: Most of them do that, actually.

> a stroke or a
> heart attack without leaving a trace as to the source of the ailment.

MIKE: --except for the trace of illegal drugs in their systems.

> There were chemicals to make a drunk man sober and a sober man as drunk
> as a fish. Even a "recruitment" pill was contemplated.

CROW: Hey -- offer me drugs and you've got a new recruit!

> What's more,
> according to a document dated May 5, 1955, the CIA placed a high
> priority on the development of a drug "which will produce 'pure
> euphoria' with no subsequent letdown".

MIKE: Not like anyone would crash after an acid high!

>
> This is not to suggest that the CIA had given up on LSD.

MIKE: Oh no! The CIA was stubborn enough to continue drug use -- why should
they give up on LSD now?

> On the
> contrary, after grappling with the drug for a number of years,

TOM: --they finally realized they were fighting a losing battle and succumbed
to the fact -- they were addicts, pure and simple.

> the
> Agency devised new methods of interrogation based on the "far-out"
> possibilities of this mind-altering substance.

CROW: "Far-out"?

MIKE: This must be how the X-Files started.

CROW: I'm open to extreme possibilities.

> When employed as a
> third-degree tactic, acid enabled the CIA to approach a hostile subject
> with a great deal of leverage.

TOM: Your job and your family getting you down? Try the CIA! We do LSD!

MIKE: Talk about a great benefits package or what?

CROW: Yeah! Sign me up!

> CIA operatives realized that intense
> mental confusion could be produced

TOM: --on television through infomercials, by-passing the need for drugs at
all!

> by deliberately attacking a person
> along psychological lines.

MIKE: Are you talking to me? Eh? You talking to me?!

TOM: You're attacking yourself, Mike.

> Of all the chemicals that caused mental
> derangement, none was as powerful as LSD.

CROW: Until Zima was created. Talk about mental derangement!

> Acid not only made people
> extremely anxious, it also broke down the character defenses for
> handling anxiety. A skillful interrogator could exploit this
> vulnerability by threatening to keep an unwitting subject in a
> tripped-out state indefinitely unless he spilled the beans.

TOM: [meanly] Does this bug you, HU?! DOES THIS BUG YOU?!

CROW: [scared spaced-out voice] Stop it, man! I haven't had my cigarette yet
today!

MIKE: Talk about anxious.

> This tactic
> often proved successful where others had failed.

MIKE: Oh, you know, I'm beginning to doubt the validity of successes of this
drug -- or any other.

TOM: Or the audacity that this post continues!

CROW: [Dr. Smith impression] Oh, the pain! The pain!

> CIA documents indicate
> that LSD was employed as an aid to interrogation on an operational basis
> from the mid-1950s through the early 1960s.

ALL: You're hired!

CROW: But it wasn't a very effective sale, taking it door-to-door.

TOM: But that explains the imaginary elves!

>
>
> Laboratories of the State
>
>
> When the CIA first became interested in LSD, only a handful of
> scientists in the United States were engaged in hallucinogenic drug
> research.

MIKE: When the rest of them realized how much FUN the scientists were having,
the others followed suit.

> At the time there was little private or public support for
> this relatively new field of experimental psychiatry,

MIKE: Basically, the only support at all was coming from the government.

TOM: No WONDER toilet seats at the Pentagon cost over a hundred bucks each!

> and no one had
> undertaken a systematic investigation of LSD.

CROW: But they sure took a lot OF LSD.

> The CIA's mind control
> specialists sensed a golden opportunity in the making.

MIKE: With that much toxins in my blood, I'd sense a lot of things, too.

TOM: [sensitive voice] Mike, I sense a lot of hostility right now. Why not
let it out?

MIKE: Fine. Follow me to the airlock, Servo, and I'll let it all out.

> With a sizable
> treasure chest at their disposal they were in a position to boost the
> careers of scientists whose skill and expertise would be of maximum
> benefit to the CIA.

CROW: I'll trade you my Treasure Chest card for a "Get Out of Jail Free" card.

MIKE: Crow, that's Community Chest.

CROW: Okay, how about I validate your parking at my hotel, then?

> Almost overnight a whole new market for grants in
> LSD research sprang into existence as money started pouring through
> CIA-linked conduits or "cutouts" such as the Geschickter Fund for
> Medical Research, the Society for the Study of Human Ecology, and the
> Josiah Macy, Jr Foundation.

TOM: This program was made possible by grants from the Mobile Corporation and
public viewers like you.

>
> Among those who benefited from t he CIA's largesse was Dr Max Rinkel,
> the first person to bring LSD to the United States.

CROW: AHA! Finally, someone to blame this whole fiasco on!

[Suddenly the screen goes BLANK.]

TOM: Huh?

CROW: What happened?

MIKE: Don't look a drug-pusher in the mouth. Let's run for it, guys!

CROW: Women and 'bots with cool appendages first!

TOM: Mike! Me! Me! Carry me!

[CROW EXITS, and MIKE grabs TOM and rushes out of the theater.]

[Door sequence]

[Satellite of Love]

[TOM and CROW are alone on the satellite bridge.]

CROW: Tom, that post really scared me! I don't know what's real and what's
not any more! I think I'm having withdrawal symptoms!

TOM: I hear you, Crow. If that post lasted much longer, I think my head would
have exploded!

[Visitor's light blinks.]

CROW: Uh oh. Do you see what I see?

TOM: That depends on what you see.

CROW: Well, you tell me what you see, and I'll tell you what I see.

TOM: Oh, no. You asked first.

[As they continue to argue, the Hexfield Viewscreen opens to reveal the image
of JOEL ROBINSON!]

JOEL: Hey, guys! I've come back to rescue you from the satellite!

[Neither of the 'bots will look at the screen as they start to freak out.]

CROW: Oh, man. I'm wiggin' out. I know it.

TOM: Don't tell me you heard what I heard.

CROW: I dunno. What did you hear?

TOM: [pain-wracked voice] It -- it's just to painful! *gulp* I can't tell
you!

JOEL: Come on, guys! What's wrong? What have the Mad Scientists done to
you?!

CROW: If I told you I thought I heard Joel's voice...would you think I was
going crazy?

TOM: [emotionally-filled voice] If you are, we all are. Oh, Joel, our
beloved creator! How we yearn for your voice! Even amidst this crash
from the drug post-induced high, we believe we can still hear you!

JOEL: But you can! I'm here! Right here! I'm orbiting in a ship right
beside you!

CROW: [sobs] Oh, Tom! This is terrible! I'm imagining Joel's right here
outside the satellite!

TOM: [consoling voice] I know, I know. I feel his presence, too. But, Crow,
it is our memory sequencers that have come to haunt us, not Joel. Let us
remember our days with him fondly, and look forward to the days to come
with our new brother, Mike.

JOEL: Oh, cheese it. Look, I gotta go before the Mads see I'm out here.

CROW: [whimpers and huddles close to TOM] Hold me.

[The Hexfield Viewscreen closes and MIKE ENTERS stage left.]

MIKE: Hey, guys! Whatcha doin'?

[CROW whimpers.]

TOM: [admonishes] Have you no decency! Our good friend Crow here needs
support from the withdrawal of the post! Our microchip inducers have
created false images in our processing units, creating hallucinations!

MIKE: Really? Wow, that must have been some bad trip!

[GYPSY ENTERS from stage front right.]

GYPSY: Hey, guys! A ship is pulling away from us! Who was just here?

[TOM and CROW stop sobbing and look at each other.]

CROW: [quietly] You mean, that really WAS Joel talking to us? He really WAS
here? He really WAS trying to get us off the satellite? [there is a
pause before CROW bawls even louder]

MIKE: Oh, the deep scars of drug use. What have you to say for yourselves,
sirs?!

[Deep 13]

[DR F and FRANK are hunched over the controls.]

DR F: We nearly had him! I can't believe--! Oh, it's you, jumpsuited monkey-
wrencher. Well, I'm sorry we had to cut that little experiment off so
soon -- it was going so well. Don't you think it was going well, Frank?

FRANK: [plays with Nintendo] Come on! Jump! Jump! Yeeeah! Whoo-hoo!

[FRANK dances around in a circle. DR F looks down on him. FRANK stops
suddenly and cowers.]

FRANK: Heh heh. You wanted me to push the button, boss?

DR F: [extremely agitated] All this while, I thought you were manning the
controls to zap Robinson out of space and you were playing NINTENDO?!

FRANK: Well, I, uh, you see, I, uh....

DR F: [grabs FRANK by the collar] That's IT, Frank! [pushes his own face up
into camera] As for you free-loaders, I'm not taking any more chances
with you! I'm going to bring you down from that satellite!

[Satellite of Love]

[All cheer wildly.]

MIKE: I can't believe it! After all this time! And it was so easy! I didn't
have to do anything!

[Deep 13]

DR F: Oh, don't thank your lucky stars yet, Mr. Nelson. We're going to have
to take a more DIRECT approach to your little...experiment. Pack your
bags. It's going to be a bumpy ride!

[DR F pushes button.]

--

Lisa Jenkins "...[T]he CIA placed a high priority on the
jen...@mhd1.moorhead.msus.edu development of a drug 'which will produce
"pure euphoria" with no subsequent letdown.'"
--Martin A. Lee and Bruce Shlain,
_ACID DREAMS_