[MiSTied] Net Scandal part 1
Claye Hodge
Sliced, diced, and HACKED! The usual.. comments, flames, gripes, admirations
send them to crh...@delphi.com Let the fun begin!
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[Opening Credits]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...7...]
[SOL]
[The room is slightly lit, as usual. There is a banner hanging in front of
the door, it rds "The Second Annual GOLDEN CROW Awards". A podium with
a microphone is set on the desk. Mike and Tom are sitting close to Cambot
as if they were part of the audience. Tom is wearing his tuxedo. Mike is
wearing a tuxedo jacket, and tie.]
MIKE:[Turns toward the screen. whispers.] Oh, hi everybody! Right now we are
watching The 2nd Annual GOLDEN CROW Awards. I hope I win.
TOM:[whispers to Mike] If you ask me, this is a farce.
MIKE: Now Tom.. [Crow walks on screen towards the podium. He too is wearing
a tuxedo.] OH! It's getting ready to start! Shhh! [Mike turns toward
Crow.]
CROW: Ahem.[clears his throat.] Hello. Welcome to The Second Annual GOLDEN
CROW Awards. Our next category is Best Comedy Series. The one who
will present this award knows how to run the higher functions of a
satellite. Here is Gypsy! [Music starts. Gypsy comes on screen and
goes toward the podium. She is wearing a dress. Music stops.]
GYPSY: ank you, Crow. [Crow walks off scrn.] Ahem. The nominees for Best
Comedy Series are... Mike Nelson, for "The Day I Wet'em" Story.
[Cambot turns to view Mike. Turnback to Gypsy.] Tom Servo, for
"The Last of the Starfighters" refueling skit.[Cambot views Tom. Back
to Gypsy.] Crow T. Robot, for "Peter Graves, at Minnesota College."
[Cambot turns to Crow, then back to Gypsy.] And the winner is...
Crow T. Robot, "Peter Graves, at Minnesota College"!!
CROW: WHAT?!? OH MY GOSH!! Thank you! Thank you..[Crow is making his way
towards the podium. Reaches the podium.] Thank you! [Gypsy goes off
screen.] Ahem.. Uhhh.. I'd like to thank everyone who helped make thi possible... even though it wouldn't have happened without me.. I
thank my family.. friends.. [interrupted by Tom.]
TOM: WHAT?!? ARE YOU NUTS!?!? THIS IS A FARCE!!!! YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY THINK
I'M GOA BELIEVE THIS, DO YA?!?!? WHERE'S THAT BALLOT BOX?!?!?! [Tom
goes off-screen.]
MIKE:[Turns to the screen.] Uhh.. hehehe.. We'll be right back. [Mike taps
commercial sign light.]
[Commercials.]
[SOL]
[Mike, Tom, and Crow are behind the dk. A box is on the desk. Pieces of
paper are scattered all over the desk.]
TOM: Crow, this is YOUR handwriting. This IS a farce! [under his breath.]
This is almost as bad as the SOLtie Awards...
CROW: Well...IKE: It could be worse. At least an award wasn't given to a bus.
TOM: Well, you've got a point.
[Mads light flashes.]
MIKE: Oh great! Baboo and Squatt are calling.
[D13]
[Dr.F is looking at the screen. Frank is reading the National Enquisitor.]
DR.F: Ah, Nelson. You've heard of scandals, haven't you??
[SOL]
MIKE: Yeah. Michael Jackson... OJ Simpson... TV Evangelists... Nixon...
Bush... Reagan... Clinton...
TOM: Wow! Recent Presidents!
CROW: The scandal that the Ace Award voters are the people who make "The
Larry Sanders Show"...
MIKE: CROW!
CROW: Hehehe.. Sorry.
[D13]
DR.F: Exactly! To get on with your experiment this week.. Scandals have...
FRANK: Hey, they found Elvis iUtah!
DR.F: Uh.. yeah.. Whatever.. Anyway, Scandals have hit the Super
Information Highway. Or at least Net.Scandal's version of scandalon
the net. That's correct. This weeks experiment is "NET.SCANDA.
Enjoy! [Pushes the button.]
[SOL]
ALL: NET SCANDAL????? OH WE'VE GOT POOOOSSSST SIIIIIIIIIIGN!!!!!!!
[Mike and the bots panic and go off-screen.]
[7...6...5...4...3...2...1...]
>
[Mike and the bots enter the theater. Mike sits Tom down.]
CROW: This oughta be fun.
>
>***********************************************************************
>*VOL:18* NUMBER 1
MIKE:[Picard] Engage to warp factor eight, number one.
> Jan 1, 1995 NO RIGHTS REVERSED TORONTO
TOM: No rights reversed???
>*************************************************************************
><<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <
CROW: AH! Don't ever DO that!
><<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<
><NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<
TOM: DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!
[Crow makes alarm noises.]
>NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<N
CROW: WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
>ET.SCANDAL>>>
MIKE: A scandal about E.T.?? [The bots are still making alarm noises.]
> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NE
TOM: DANGER! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! DANGER! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!
CROW: BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLP! BLEEP!
>T.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET
[Bots are still making alarm noises.]
MIKE: Guys. Guys! GUYS!! That's enough! Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!!! [Mike
covers his ears. The bots finally stop.]
TOM: Hehehe.. Youk, Mike?
MIKE: What did you say?
>..SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.
>SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.SCANDAL>>> <<<NET.S
CROW: So, what are they trying to tell us?
>*************************************************************************
> !!!Not for the weak of arts, read at your own desk!!!
TOM: But I don't wanna.. Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhaahhhaaahaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh..
MIKE: There, there.
>*************************************************************************
CROW: There are more stars here, than you would find at the Academy Awards.
>
>
>
TOM: Well, I hope that's the last of the stars.
> NET.SCANDAL vol 18, INFOBAHN '95
MIKE:[german] INFOBAHN??? MACH SCHNELL!!!
> "e-LecTroLaNd"
TOM:[Minnesota lady] Ohhh Crapes, you know we've got to plan a vacation to
e-lectroland, this year.
CROW:[same] Ohhh yes, deary. Donald and I have made plans r this summer.
TOM:[same] Oh, me.. Please send us a postcard.
> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
MIKE: I'll go this way, how about you guys.
CROW: I'm going the other way.
TOM: I'm going with Mike.
>
>
>*FEATURE*
>^^^^^^^^^^
CROW:[announcer] Tonight's Feature Presentation is....
>
> "e-LecTroLaNd"
ALL: DOH!
MIKE: I've seen this one, already.
TOM: It's a rerun.
>
>
>
MIKE: So THAT's what e-lectroland is.
CROW: Almost as bad as Prodigy
>For the outset of NET.SCANDAL's second year in "print"
TOM: Print?? I don't think so.
> we tried extra
>hard to conjure some cynicism to dose the year with a fresh batch of
MIKE: Drivel?
TOM: Boredom?
CROW: Poopie?
>irritainment.
ALL: Oh.
CROW: Think that's a typo?
MIKE: It can't be.. cause it IS getting irritating.
> It then occured to us that we're a year old, and that we
>have succeed in our primary purpose,
CROW: Being house-broken?
> slagging and slacking in
e-LecTroLaNd".
TOM: DOH!
CROW:[poster] So, if you are wondering where those MAKE.MONEY.FAST!,
Commercial Free Programming, and The Truth about Voting in America are
coming from.. NOW YOU KNOW!!!
>
>Don't get me wrong! The issues are the same.
TOM: Oh BROTHER!
> This read is forever dedicated
>to slagging the rascals that are in place to control communication and
MIKE: And slagging those poor victims who aren't in control, but have to
deal th our posts.
>information. It is obvious that the internet is a massive video game
CROW: Tetris?
TOM: Super Mario?
MIKE: Donkey Kong?
TOM: Street Fighter?
MIKE: Mortal Kombat?
CROW: Pac-Man?
>which appears to mirror of the universe..
TOM: But even mirrors have scratches.
CROW: This post is one.
> The same random beauty toe sure.
MIKE: T'was beuty that killed the beast.
>
>"e-LecTroLaNd", a place you can call your own for $20 bux-a-month.
TOM: Oh. Just like Delphi.
CROW: HEY, I *LIKE* Delphi.
>"e-LecTroLaNd", the new backyard for your "cyber" kids to play in!
MIKE:[lady] Kids, don't get in the flowers!
>"e-LecTroLaNd", now you're "online!". For a minimal investment of
CROW: All of your life's savings.
>intellect and pecunium, any average snoid can find fame and folly
>i.."e-LecTroLaNd"
TOM: What's a snoid?
CROW:[announcer] e-LecTroLaNd and SUPER e-LecTroLaNd by Hasbro.
>
>In no time you'll find your spot in "e-LecTroLaNd".
MIKE: "e-LecTroLaNd", where silly posters can post garbage like this!
> Control issues?
>Not a problem, simply join Usenet and pretend yoown the internet.
TOM: Do you want to make more money and own the internet? SURE, WE ALL DO!
>You'll fool somebody for sure. Become an administrator, assume power,
CROW: Join the net.loon society!
>dig your heels in against anything that contravenes the "agreement"
>We've gone through a few, heh :)
TOM:[old man] The good old days....
>
>If it's not "netiquette", you'll surely get a zapped. But you will be
>able to call in the CRTC, the FCC, government and the police if things
MIKE: How about calling the nut house because YOU have gone crazy?
>get too out-of-hand. Anything is possible in."e-LecTroLaNd" It's all
CROW: So, WHAT is this post about?
>true moms
>and dads, the porno, the litigation, the twisted news,
TOM: Twisted net scandal news posts.
> the wargames,
>the bootleg files, videos, digitalamples of sin, the netsex, irc
BOTS: Netsex???
MIKE: Nevermind.
>robots for your pleasure
BOTS: Robots?!?
CROW: HEY! That's us!
> and the instant gratification of sending mail
TOM: Or mailbombs.
>without having to wait in line for stamps. INFOBAHN '95, right this way.
CROW: Right before you get to the Slaussen cut-off.
>
>The maelstrom gains momentum, perhaps a 100 million "online" this year?
MIKE: A hundred million?? How about TWO-hundred million!
>The milk of computer science. Here we are, in a state of pure spontaneity,
>resembling none other than the chaos and complexity of our own universe.
TOM: Did anyone else get what was just said?
CROW: No, but the thought that this guy is an AV Geek, did come to mi.
>
>So what say WE put it all through the NET.SCANDAL wringer!!! (oh what
>fun!)
MIKE: I'm giddy with excitement.
CROW: Not.
>Let us see who ends up in the soapy water.
TOM:[whine] But it's all dirty, and stuff..
> Another full year of eluding
>responsibility while dismantling the behemoth of clumsy control and its'
>insane commitment to harness the random elements of communication.
CROW: Ah, the ideals of alt.flame.
>NET.SCANDAL pledges to continue irritaining those who have the capacity
MIKE: But we aren't slacking.
>to understand that the only values meaning to life are slacking and
>slagging. Our position is;
TOM: We irritate others who slack, even though making this post could be
called slacking.
> that through these healthy pastimes we may
>glean some insight of our "matters" by stripping away the pretense and
>the mile-high heap of "cyber" jetsam.
CROW: And filling it back up with the mile-high heap of OUR "cyber" jetsam.
>
>--------
MIKE: Well, I guess we're finished with that section.
TOM: Yep, let's go.
[Mike and the bots leave the theater.]
[Commercials]
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[SOL]
MIKE: Hi. Mike Nelson here. We would like to interest you into something
we call...
ALL: E-Lectroland!
TOM: Yes, E-Lectroland, or in laymen's terms the Information Superhighway, is
here for YOU!
CROW: Talk to people across the world!
MIKE: Become a millionare!
TOM: Get beauty tips for your pets!
CROW: Play Boogers with a friend!
MIKE: Become a dictator of a foreign country!
TOM: Take over the world, in one easy step!
CROW: Yes, because of E-Lectroland, patented with Hinder 90 you don't have
to spend hours in front of the Television screen rotting your brain,
and your bank account. Do it on the computer with the help of
E-lectroland!
MIKE: For only twenty dollars a month, you can enjoy the various wonders
that can only be done i. E-lectroland! E-lectroland is the FUTURE!
ALL: E-LECTROLAND!!!
CROW: Only in the US, Canada, and the Virgin Islands. CALL TODAY!
[Lights start to flash. Panic arises.]
ALL: OHHH WE'VE GOT POOOOOOOSSSST SIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGN!!!!
[7...6...5...4...3...2...1...]
[Mike and the bots enter the theater. Mike puts Tom down.]
MIKE: That was fun.
>
>
>A letter was composed asking some favourite slackers and slaggers to
>submit a brief composition to inform and entertain.
CROW: Of course we didn't tell THEM that.
> The list of people
>was chosen because they were the most easily accessed in the newsgroups
TOM: I'm surprised he didn't say "they WAS the most easily accessed.."
>close to home ( trn in a haze at 5:00 am EST). There are so many good
MIKE: Loonies lurking around on the net at that time.
>writers on the net that I simply grabbed the loudest slaggers and the
>smoothest slackers. You decide.
TOM: You make the call!
> Those who submitted nothing are as
>important to our ends as those who did, for they provided us with "some"
CROW: Could that be considered as a wisecrack?
MIKE: I guess.
>irritainment last year.
>....and may well be:
TOM: Smarter than we think.
>
>
>a. simply slacking
>b. slagging us with silence
>c. both
CROW: and d. Smart enough not to even respond to our cause.
>
>
>All vital components of NET.SCANDAL!
>
TOM: Vital components, eh? I bet it's just going to be used as fodder.
>I took the liberty of posing the following question.
>
MIKE:[female] You look FABULOUS, darling!
CROW:[same] Thank you, it's the rage in England.
> What do you see ahead for "Infobahn '95"
> and if you could change anything what would it be?
TOM: Hmm.. To get net.loons like you off the net.
MIKE: I'd like more newsgroups.
CROW: I wanna decide who gets on-line and who doesn't.
>
>cc:d it to:
TOM: Comedy Centraled it?
CROW: In other words they trashed it and put it on at a dumb schedule.
MIKE: Hehehe..
>pre...@gov.on.ca.govonca
CROW: What kind of a name is premier?
MIKE: You didn't really think they would put their actual names, in the
event they got put on a lt like this?
>ric...@interlog.com
>all...@pcs.org
>kmed...@ptolemy.ptolemy.com
TOM: Ptolemy, ptolemy, ptolemy.
CROW: Urinal cakes?
MIKE: HEY, they already did that name!
TOM: No, that was the allisat of the pcs.org section.
MIKE: Oh.
CROW: com.
MIKE: compax.
TOM: com.
CROW: pax.
TOM: Tor free?? What? No Tor Johnson??? Awww...
CROW:[Tor] Time to go for bed.
> (Robert Riley)
CROW: He did his real name.
MIKE: Crow, we don't know whether, it IS his real name or not.
>j...@reptiles.org
>scr...@io.org
TOM:[scrappy] Dum dada DUM!! PUPPY POWER!!!!
>mha...@interlog.com
>e...@interlog.com (KKC)
>ge...@zswamp.UUCP (Geoffrey Welsh)
>luc...@csis.pcscav.com
CROW: Ah, the author of this post.
MIKE: Rick B Hookup?
CROW: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
TOM: What's funny?
CROW: I just thought of something..
MIKE:[covering Crow's beak.] And he just forgot it.
> (Rick Broadhead)
>bapt...@earth.org
>
>
>
>Here are the replies from those kind/silly enough to submit.<grin>
CROW: Or DUMB enough to reply.
MIKE: Crow, I don't think the repliers knew what they were really responding
to.
CROW: It's possible.
>
>************************************************************************
>
MIKE: Here it comes.
TOM: I feel sorry for these folks.
>
>Date: Thu, 29 Dec 1994 04:33:30 -0600 (CST)
>From: "Abdul, the ELECTRONIC Gordon Domm" <ab...@io.com>
>To: MrClean <mrc...@io.org>
CROW:[singing] Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean...
>Subject: Re: READ THIS FAST!!!!!
TOM: I'm done.
> !!!!!!
>
>> What do you see ahead for "Infobahn" '95,
CROW:Uhh.. uhh.. Whatdoyouseeaheadforinfobahn95. [pant pant pant]
>> and if you could change anything what would it be?
TOM: I'd like to change the diapers. PEEYEWWW!!!
>
>Unfortunately, I see ourselves at the end of the 'golden age' of Internet.
>Like anything else, all good things become just too popular. WarGames
>ended hacking and phreaking,
CROW:[announcer] Phreak-Out and SUPER Phreak-Out, by Hasbro.
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Claye Hodge
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