MiSTied: "First Battle"
Matt Burch
- Matt "not a terrorist, never been to OK City" Burch
*...6...5...4...3...2...1...
>Path: news.ksu.ksu.edu!news.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!
TOM: A vixen?
CROW: EvilJen?
ALL: Rrrrrow!
>howland.reston.ans.net!gatech!news-feed-1.peachnet.edu!insosf1.infonet.net!
MIKE: I'm howland mad at this post.
>solaris.cc.vt.edu!swiss.ans.net!news.pic.net!usenet
TOM: Oh, the Swiss Army Network.
>From: rac...@pic.net (Rachel Loss-Cutler)
CROW: I'm thirsty for a nice Coors Cutler.
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
TOM: alt.military.intelligence?
CROW: alt.jumbo.shrimp?
MIKE: alt.fan.John_-_Winston?
ALL: NOOOO!!!
TOM: alt.terrible.writer.hate.loathe.despise.
>Subject: New Klingon story: First Battle 1/2 - firstbat.txt [1/1]
CROW: Yes it's the first batch file ever, tonight on "Computer History!"
>Date: 13 Apr 1995 15:50:11 GMT
MIKE: A date that will... oh, you know.
>Organization: Starfleet, Rihannsu Star Empire
CROW: Yeeeah. Whatever.
>Lines: 39
TOM: That's (6*9)-3, right?
>Message-ID: <3mjh7j$n...@gandalf.pic.net>
MIKE: Gandalf 3mjh7j$ns7? I went to high school with that guy!
>NNTP-Posting-Host: dal21.pic.net
>Mime-Version: 1.0
CROW: Quickly! cd to /pub/world and rm all mimes!
>Content-Type: Text/Plain
TOM: Plot/Hackneyed.
>X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.90.4
MIKE: Ah, I see Microsoft has renamed Win95 using Roman numerals!
> First Battle
> by Rachel Loss-Cutler
CROW: A record of the opening arguments in the O.J. Simpson trial.
> The wind was blowing. It tossed Hi'keea's hair across her face.
ALL: HAI-KEEBA!
>She pushed it out of the way, and once again looked down into the
>pit of the crevice.
TOM: I suppose I ought to put on a bra, but...
MIKE: Tom, no!
>She did this daily, to strengthen her resolve not to be afraid to die.
CROW: Then, she watched Power Rangers.
>Somehow every time, she felt a strong urge to just hurl herself over the
>cliff.
MIKE: The stock market crashed! I lost all my money!
>Not that she was suicidal, she just contemplated it. Today was different,
TOM: AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa! <splat>
>her courage was no longer in question. She was a warrior.
CROW: Lt. Hultgreen, you're cleared for landing... Lt. Hultgreen... Ohmigod!
MIKE: D'oh! Aviation joke! And not a very tasteful one, at that!
> The sun was behind the clouds, threatening of bad weather to come.
TOM: Unless she pays a little protection to the weather gods, kapiche?
>Shadows roamed across the sky as the brisk breezes, each carrying a drop
>of water blew in from the north.
CROW: I'll get you, my pretty!
MIKE: And your little attempt at poetic description, too!
>The dirt was turned into mud slowly, each drop of precious water pounding
>against the strong rocky soil of L'jhikar, a Klingon outpost.
TOM: Also the Narn ambassador on B5, isn't he?
> Hi'keea ran across the mud,
MIKE: George!
CROW: Martha!
ALL: HAI-KEEBA!
>waiving her Batleth in the air
MIKE: So, she signed a release form before gadding about?
>and calling to all that could hear her in this remote place
TOM: St. Francis, Kansas?
>"I am a WARRIOR!
CROW: But I'm a Grimwold Warrior!
>No longer a child, I have passed the rite of ascension!"
CROW: I have partaken of the sacred Tuna Wiggle!
TOM: I have stroked the sacred llama!
MIKE: I have flamed T-Bone and lived to tell the tale!
TOM: Wow, that *is* a feat.
> Her friend Bnaii interrupted her glee. Bnaii was cautious for a Klingon,
CROW: So she stayed away from investing in derivatives.
>always carefully considering every alternative before acting. Bnaii spoke
>with her usual careful growl
MIKE: Jack Pallance?
TOM: No, Barry White!
>"It is time to go, Warrior."
CROW: Where's the little warrior's room?
> "I know, let's go fight those filthy Romulans!"
MIKE: Now, men, I must warn you, the enemy *will* occasionally fight back.
>Hi'keea spoke more out of taught prejudice then of learned hatred,
CROW: Oh no, dude, I'm late for Prejudice 101!
>she had been taught that the Romulans were filthy many times,
TOM: Specifically, on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every other Saturday.
>and had been brought up to hate them.
>For her it was as easy as breathing.
MIKE: Unfortunately, Hai'keeba's an asthmatic...
>When ever she mentioned them she got excited. Sometimes she talked about
>them on purpose, to feel her heart pounding in her throat.
TOM: Um...
MIKE: Ahem...
CROW: Paging Doctor Freud!
>She calmed herself down, a direct contrast to the growing storm. She walked
>swiftly, reviling in the feel of the wind blowing directly against her.
TOM: You know, da wind tunnel is so beautiful dis time of year!
CROW: Oh, yah.
>Destiny awaited, along with Romulan blood.
MIKE: And a plate of cookies!
>********************************
CROW: Police line - Do not cross.
TOM: Do not cross-post.
MIKE: Do not compost!
CROW: Do not compile!
TOM: Do not core-dump!
MIKE: And do not even take a...
CROW: Ahem!
MIKE: Just talkin' bout this fanfic!!
>Copyright 1995 by Rachel Loss-Cutler
>You may copy this story as many times as you want, as long as
>my name stays on it, and so does this notice. If you want to
>sell it make me an offer (I'd be flattered) Otherwise don't even
>THINK about it!
ALL: DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG, UNDER PENALTY OF LAW!
>Path: news.ksu.ksu.edu!news.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!
>howland.reston.ans.net!gatech!news-feed-1.peachnet.edu!news.duke.edu!
TOM: o/~ Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl... o/~
>solaris.cc.vt.edu!swiss.ans.net!news.pic.net!usenet
MIKE: Usenet - Where God, Family, and AOLers come together.
>From: rac...@pic.net (Rachel Loss-Cutler)
CROW: So, if she stopped posting fanfics, it wouldn't be a real Loss!
TOM: Too right.
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
MIKE: alt.wretched.hive-of-scum-and-villiany.is.is.is.
>Subject: New Klingon Story: First Battle 2/2 - firstbat.txt [1/1]
TOM: The unauthorized "First Knight" / "Batman Forever" crossover!
>Date: 13 Apr 1995 15:55:22 GMT
MIKE: Er...
CROW: So, then...
TOM: Face it, guys, there's only so many things you can say about the
three-letter time-zone acronyms.
>Organization: Starfleet, Rihannsu Star Empire
CROW: I think somebody needs a little touch of reality, don't you guys?
>Lines: 65
>Message-ID: <3mjhha$n...@gandalf.pic.net>
TOM: Look, guys, it's the secret decryption code for the Clipper chip!
>NNTP-Posting-Host: dal21.pic.net
MIKE: You know guys, now that I've seen "Outbreak," I can't look at lines
with the word "Host" in them in quite the same way...
>Mime-Version: 1.0
CROW: New from Microsoft, it's Mime 2.0!
MIKE: Now with optional speech pack!
TOM: So the next major revision will be called Mime/Warp?
CROW: No, Mime95.
>Content-Type: Text/Plain
>X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.90.4
MIKE: See it *used* to be a newsreader, and now it's not.
> First Battle
TOM: The Sean Penn story.
> by Rachel Loss-Cutler
CROW: Could you loan me a fork? I've Loss my Cutler(y).
> The ship was a beauty.
MIKE: Hmmm... U.S.S. Vicennes. That's a nice name...
>The slim shape with the drooping wings,
TOM: Julia Roberts in "Hook"?
>her nose pointed directly at a group of stars. Hi'keea didn't get to see
>that view however, she was beamed up by transporter.
CROW: Oh, that'll happen.
> She barked "Qa'pla!"
MIKE: "Ker-plop"?
>while banging her fist over her heart, she was alittle too vigorous.
TOM: She induced massive heart palpitations and died. The end!
> The warrior who met her growled "Qa'pla" while thinking to himself
>_why do I always get the youngsters ?_
CROW: Maybe it's because you're a boozy reservist.
> It was dark and crowded. Her quarters were cramped, with a vague red
>light seeping through the doorway. Her bed had splinters.
TOM: Her skin had shingles.
> <<<All you people who belong on the bridge get on! We are departing.>>>
MIKE: All you people of the Earth! All you people of the Earth!
> After the intercom sounded Hi'keea jumped up and ran to the bridge. She
>didn't know the way, but she just followed the others that were going there.
CROW: Gee, you'd think a Klingon Bird of Prey would be easy enough to
find your way around in.
TOM: Yeah, even Shatner could do it.
> "Hey you! the new tactical officer! get up here! No, this seat!"
MIKE: No, this one! I was only fooling!
>The impatient first officer barked.
ALL: Arf!
>Hi'keea scrambled for the seat, and just got to it before the captain growled
>"Take us out and towards the border, we have Romulans to fight!"
CROW: Them doggone Hatfields been a-rustlin' our cattle!
>His eyebrows moved up and down while he spoke,
TOM: Ewww, creepy.
MIKE: Get back on my face, right this instant!
>adding to the feeling that he could hardly wait until they went into battle.
> We are at the boarder, and it looks like the Romulans aren't going to
>wait to engage us.
ALL: HUH?!?
CROW: Mike, who's talking?
MIKE: Got me.
> "Enemy vessel approaching at coordinates 106.12." I sang, my first
>fight!
TOM: Guys, did we just switch from third- to first-person?
> "Fire all weapons!" The captain wasn't going to wait for the Roms to
>come to him. Our phaser ports glowed with green fire, which spat out towards
>the enemy.
CROW: Ptooie! You dumb Romulan weenie-heads! I'll snag on you!
> I shouted "Incoming fire!"
MIKE: Oh, I know what's going on, guys - it's Ensign I, Lieutenant Im's
younger sister!
TOM: That *would* explain it.
> "Evasive maneuvers!" they didn't work, the enemy fire impacted on our
>ship.
CROW: So, not really that good of an evasive maneuver, then.
>"Damage report!"
MIKE: The GOP holds a majority of both the House and Senate, sir!
TOM: My God, man, it's worse than I thought! Quickly, to the escape pods!
> "Shields are down! Weapon-" Some Romulans beamed into the bridge, and
>silenced my report,
CROW: That's enough, Johnny, you've earned your A+.
>I was to busy fighting to speak. A Romulan beamed down infront of me!
TOM: quickily I revurted To Enterprized-style speling Marissa sed.
MIKE: Now, Tom, no spelling flames... unless it's John_-_Winson, that is.
> Hi'keea swung her hands
ALL: HAI-KEEBA!
CROW: A "gymkata" by Hai'keeba!
>and the Romulan went down without a cry, but there were simply too many.
MIKE: There's... too many of them!
CROW: I copy, Gold Leader.
>Almost all of the crew were captured, the rest were reduced to nothing.
TOM: Oh, it's a day in the life of a Spanish fishing trawler in Canadian
waters.
>********************************
MIKE: Hopefully that's a fanfic firewall.
> When I was aware of my surroundings,
CROW: Ah, good, Ensign I has regained consciousness.
>I saw a long line of cells,
TOM: Robert Hook - behind enemy lines.
>and my fellow warriors occupying them. Oh the SHAME of it!
MIKE: Tell us about it.
>We had lost the battle, and not died fighting as a defeated warrior should!
CROW: Well, there's always next year's Superbowl...
>One by one we were taken away, and injected with a poison to kill us,
TOM: It's "Crystal Pepsi Taste-Testing: The Untold Story"!
>and deny us honorable combat.
MIKE: I coulda been a contenda!
> The middle aged Romulan who injected the poison infront of our eyes said
>scornfully "I have finished this batch"
TOM: No, it's "Soft-Batch Cookies: The Untold Story"!
>they were killing us like vermin!
CROW: Weasels brought me death!
ALL: RZZZZZ!
>"I will do that batch next." he pointed at the group of cells that I am in!
MIKE: Oh no! Not Ensign I!
>I am not afraid to die!
TOM: ::sniff:: Ensign I is so brave!
>I steadied myself and closed my eyes. If I had to die, so be it.
CROW: ...Jedi.
>As they took me out I fell to the ground, and came up in a roll.
MIKE: Ah, classic Mannix move.
>If I am going to die, then I will do it as a warrior!
CROW: No, I want to be a pirate!
TOM: *I* want to die in a pile of Florida Gators cheerleaders.
>A Romulan ran towards me, I swung both of my hands like swinging a stick.
MIKE: In fact, it was exactly like swinging any other object.
>She fell in a crumble.
CROW: What's a crumble?
TOM: Damn kids, always leaving their cookies all over the house...
>There was one gone!
MIKE: Where?
> Six disrupter beams fired on Hi'keea.
CROW: Henry Kissinger arrives on the scene!
>She saw them coming, and laughed.
TOM: What a crappy effect!
>She wasn't afraid to die,
MIKE: o/~ She was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin! o/~
>but it would have been nice to have one more fight...
CROW: And another Nutter Butter bar.
> The End
ALL: Or... is it?
>Copyright 1995 by Rachel Loss-Cutler
>You may copy this story as many times as you want,
TOM: Don't worry, we'd like to *keep* our friends.
>as long as my name stays on it, and so does this notice.
>If you want to sell it
MIKE: ...you're dreaming.
>make me an offer (I'd be flattered) Otherwise don't even
>THINK about it!
CROW: Because I'll come to your house and pinch you!
TOM: Let's ditch this fanfic, guys.
1...2...3...4...5...6...*
-------------------------
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, merchandise,
and other stuff are all copyright by Best Brains, Inc. This MiSTing not
endorsed, authorized, or supported by anybody. It is not intended as a
personal attack on Rachel Loss-Cutler, but as whatever is nearest to
that and still protected under the First Amendment. This article may be
freely distributed as long as this paragraph remains intact. This paragraph
was lifted almost directly from "Treklander II". Thank you. Hello.
Not a Best Brains Production.
>Oh the SHAME of it!
--
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Matt Burch | There are very few problems that can't be solved
mbu...@ksu.ksu.edu | with the suitable application of photon torpedoes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Arthur Ledoux
>
> Just a little piece of poopie I found on alt.startrek.creative...
>
> - Matt "not a terrorist, never been to OK City" Burch
>
>
>
>
> *...6...5...4...3...2...1...
>
>
> >Path: news.ksu.ksu.edu!news.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!
>
> TOM: A vixen?
> CROW: EvilJen?
> ALL: Rrrrrow!
>
> >howland.reston.ans.net!gatech!news-feed-1.peachnet.edu!insosf1.infonet.net!
>
> >solaris.cc.vt.edu!swiss.ans.net!news.pic.net!usenet
>
> TOM: OHMIGOD! We're starting over. Auuugh!
> > The warrior who met her growled "Qa'pla" while thinking to himself
> >_why do I always get the youngsters ?_
>
> CROW: Maybe it's because you're a boozy reservist.
>
> > It was dark and crowded. Her quarters were cramped, with a vague red
> >light seeping through the doorway. Her bed had splinters.
>
> TOM: Her skin had shingles.
>
> > <<<All you people who belong on the bridge get on! We are departing.>>>
>
> MIKE: All you people of the Earth! All you people of the Earth!
> > After the intercom sounded Hi'keea jumped up and ran to the bridge. She
> >didn't know the way, but she just followed the others that were going there.
>
> CROW: Gee, you'd think a Klingon Bird of Prey would be easy enough to
> find your way around in.
> TOM: Yeah, even Shatner could do it.
>
> > "Hey you! the new tactical officer! get up here! No, this seat!"
>
> MIKE: No, this one! I was only fooling!
>
> >The impatient first officer barked.
>
> ALL: Arf!
>
> >Hi'keea scrambled for the seat, and just got to it before the captain growled
> >"Take us out and towards the border, we have Romulans to fight!"
>
> CROW: Them doggone Hatfields been a-rustlin' our cattle!
>
> >His eyebrows moved up and down while he spoke,
>
> TOM: Ewww, creepy.
> MIKE: Get back on my face, right this instant!
>
> >adding to the feeling that he could hardly wait until they went into battle.
> > We are at the boarder, and it looks like the Romulans aren't going to
> >wait to engage us.
>
> ALL: HUH?!?
> CROW: Mike, who's talking?
> MIKE: Got me.
CROW: Klingons are weird.
> > "Enemy vessel approaching at coordinates 106.12." I sang, my first
> >fight!
> TOM: Guys, did we just switch from third- to first-person?
> MIKE: This is worse than "Enterprized"!
CROW: at least this idiot can spell. Ratliff was a grammer major
compared to this guy though!