[MISTING] Curious Millionaire
Greg Gershowitz
[Scene: SOL]
Mike, Tom and Crow are in the main SOL room. They are sitting
around a TV, watching CNBC.
Mike: So, boys, how much have you made so far with your '$10,000'?
Crow: You say that like we aren't using real money.
Tom: [sniggers]
Mike: Crow? We're NOT using real money. This is supposed to be an
excersize in money management.
Crow: Oh. Uh, in that case I'm up $1,000.
Mike: Where'd you get $10,000 from?!
Crow: I used your credit card, Mike.
Tom: [really lauging now]
Mike: [turning bright red] Urk, Ah, Uh.
Tom: It's not like you'll need your Visa card anytime soon.
[The MAD's light starts flashing.]
Mike: Geez, Strunk & White are calling. [Presses button]
[Deep 13]
DrF: So, letting the little tycoons ruin your credit rating a little,
Darwin's Finch?
[SOL]
Mike: What do you want, Captain Eo?
[Deep 13]
TVF: Eo? Ho, ho. I like it, I really like it.
DrF: Frank, if you don't shut up, I'll make you listen to those Howard
Cosell broadcasts.
TVF: [Shuts up]
DrF: Well, Adam Smith, I was going to be nice to you and just make you
catalog all of my baseball cards, but I'm going to really give it
to you now.
[SOL]
Mike: You collect baseball cards? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
[Deep 13]
DrF: That's it, Frank, get me the molecular anti-vibronic device.
TVF: [Goes off, comes back with a tube with a bottle attached to the
end.]
DrF: [Presses a button on the bottle.]
[SOL]
Mike: HAHAHA...! [Mike is suddenly vanishes.]
Tom/Crow: Hey, what the! Where'd he go?
[Deep 13]
DrF: Hmm. That shouldn't have happened. Oh, well, send them the
message, Frank.
TVF: Hey, I like him. What did you do?
DrF: Send them the message, Frank!
TVF: [Sends message]
[SOL]
[Crow and Tom stand stunned, then rush into the theatre.]
6-5-4-3-2-1=-=-=-
>Message-ID: <205355Z...@anon.penet.fi>
>Path: outback.ny.tpc.com!uupsi!psinntp!uunet!EU.net!news.eunet.fi!anon.penet.fi
>Newsgroups: alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre
>From: an12...@anon.penet.fi
>X-Anonymously-To: alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre
>Organization: Anonymous contact service
Crow: Uh-oh, an anonymous posting. We're in for it now.
Tom: Who am us, anyway?
>Reply-To: an12...@anon.penet.fi
Tom: At least he left his name.
>Date: Mon, 29 Aug 1994 20:33:01 UTC
>Subject: Curious Millionaire
>Lines: 106
Crow: 106 lines of coke? He must be really strung out.
>Curious millionaire
Crow: So George is a millionaire now?
Tom: Did you know that Dagwood was a millionaire before he got into
comics?
> I am very intelligent,
Tom: Somehow I doubt that.
> attractive,
Crow: In an unattractive sort of way.
Tom: Sort of Torgoesqe.
>caring, considerate, respect women,
Crow: You "Am respect women"?
Tom: So he's not "very" intelligent, then?
>have a gentle, non-violent but strong personality,
Tom: Sounds like that 'spy thriller' you wrote for Secret Agent,
Super Dragon.
Crow: Shut up about that.
>excellent sense of humor, love life, fit, healthy, 5'11" 160 lbs -
>basically I have it all - so why this letter to the world?
Crow: To mercilessly torture us until our ears bleed?
Tom: [singing] We had it all, just like Bogie....
> A most unusual situation to be in
Crow: [in Stan Laural voice] Another fine situation you've gotten us
into.
> - I make more money in a week than most Americans make in a year
Crow: Please send donations to Crow T. Robot, SOL. Large bills
preferred.
>and could make far more if I wished
Tom: [singing] When you wish upon a star...
>(I can verify this for serious responses if it is relevant - which
>under certain circumstances it can be).
Tom: So certain things are relevant at certain times under certain
conditions?
Crow: [in Three Stooge voice] Coitainly!
>I am also one of the wealthiest men in America.
Crow: Buy do you have big ears?
Tom: How's your giant sucking sound, Mr. an122936
> But as the saying goes, money does not happiness buy.
Tom: Knew Your Father I Did.
Crow: Use the force, puke.
> I am a very curious and active man who has spent most of his
>time pursuing his ideals
Crow: Lucious Blondes?
Tom: The Complete works of Basho?
>(which indirectly has led to great
>financial success - multiplied through inheritance)
Tom: He's got an inheritance multiplication table?
Crow: I thought he made your fortune selling candles?
>- this has meant lots of hard work, late nights
Crow: With the coffee machine.
> and a minimal social life.
Crow: I thought he was curious and active! How can you do that with a
minimal social life?
Tom: The Power of Positive Thinking?
>What free time I have made for myself I have spent with my 13
>year old son. (Also have 20 and 23 year olds
Crow: Again, all of this with a minimal social life.
Tom: Maybe they're test tube babies.
> - all same mother).
Tom: Yup. Test Tubers.
Crow: Experimental Potatoes?
>Each year we take a trip to Europe and a trip to the Caribbean
>where we may rent a house or island hop.
Tom: I've seen a house fly.
Crow: I've seen a horse fly.
Tom: But I be done seen about everything when I seen an island hop.
>Weekends are spent on a family estate outdoors when the weather is
>good,
Crow: They spend time with their deceased relatives?
Tom: That's really dark, Crow.
> and inside with computers and other more cerebral pursuits
Crow: Cerebral Pursuit! The game for all ages!
>when the weather is
>bad. I have had a number of longer term relationships but either
>was not with the right person or I was not ready to "settle
>down".
Crow: But I had three kids with the same woman!
Tom: I'm still not ready for commitment, though.
> I have watched my business friends "die" as they pursued
>greater and greater wealth and power - sometimes literally,
Tom: Sometimes comically.
>sometimes figuratively
Crow: Is that being clubbed to death with a statuette?
>as they lost the ability to enjoy their wealth.
Crow: Send donations to Crow T. Robot, SOL.
>Having avoided this situation,
Tom: By skipping out on my kids, and not paying child support.
>I do not wish to fall into the same trap
Crow: [Zany German Accent] Zo, Mr. an122936, you have fallen into my
little trap.
>when my son starts to pursue his own life - which
>is not that far away.
Tom: You mean your 23-year old doesn't have a life yet?
Crow: It's not far away, it too late.
> I have enough money for ten lifetimes and wish to live the
>rest of mine doing what I truly enjoy with those whose company I
>enjoy.
Crow: All debts are forgotten.
Tom: About that fiver I owe you, forget it.
Crow: Huh?!?
> This means a social life - hard to start, especially when I
>have not been interested in the pursuit of the fame and glory
Crow: And luscious blondes!
>which those around me seem to take such pleasure in,
Tom: Don't say it.
Crow: I wasn't going to. So
>be it in the entertainment, political or business world.
Tom: So you don't like being able to embezzle millions of dollars?
>Obviously the bar scene and visiting museums etc. are not the way to
>go.
Tom: I understant the dating scene at the Guggenheim is strong.
Crow: So, no Armenian food, or geek dancing?
Tom: Maybe he likes cheese logs?
>Therefore, as a start, this letter.
Crow: A.
> I appreciate and am used to the finer things of life
Tom: Travel, exciement, adventure!
Crow: And all tax-free to you, the viewer.
>and now want to share these with a kindred spirit.
Tom: A crystal-worshipping, money hungry polygamist?
>The outdoors, nature,
Crow: Trash, buring trees.
Tom: Strip mining operations.
>travel, good conversation, a physically active life (which
>includes a good sex life) are all important.
Crow: [Beavis voice] He said sex, butthead. Huh-huh-huh.
Tom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I feel better now.
> Of special importance is that my partner (whether for a year
>or a lifetime) must be curious, see wonder in the world around
>her
Crow: I wonder about this guy.
Tom: Yeah, he's just describe a five-year old.
>, be active and be attractive.
Tom: And take the time to rhyme.
>Some may say that looks are not important,
Crow: But not me. Looks are everything.
Tom: Is that why you're in love with Estelle, and gave up Kim Catrell?
Crow: Well you sang a love song to a turtle!
>but I have been used to being with attractive and
>sometimes very beautiful women, and see no reason why somewhere
>there should not be a woman of intelligence, character and looks
>who is compatible with me.
Crow: Are you AC or DC?
Tom: Does this guy post on soc.singles or alt.tv.mst3k?
Crow: I wonder what this has to do with the Firesign Theatre.
>When I have a choice, as I will now
>that establishing a social life and a stable relationship is a
>priority,
Tom: Obviously, grammar isn't that high a priority.
>I see no reason not to at least start off with someone
>pleasing to my eye.
Tom: Do you find me pleasing? Hmmm?
>Age range should be 30 to 40, though there is
>always the exception on either side.
Crow: So a nubile...
Tom: Crow, I'm warning you.
Crow: OK, ok, so what are the exceptions and _whose side are they on_?
>Geographic location is
>unimportant, though the United States would be more convenient.
Tom: But Guadalahara is a viable option.
> Please respond with photo(s) and a good description of
Crow: 4x4 Truck and outboard motor.
>yourself and your goals to: Curious
> 1200 North Nash Street, # 529
> Arlington, Va, 22209
Tom: That's right off the Antelope Freeway.
Crow: Should we send a picture of Gypsy?
Tom: No, we LIKE her, remember?
>Note: This is a guest residence I maintain for visitors to
>Washington, D.C. It has spectacular views of the city through 14'
>high windows overlooking the Potomac River. I do not live there,
Crow: I just stack the bodies there.
Tom: And grow sad, or corn.
>so for those who may wish to take a more forward approach than
>the mails, it will not serve any useful purpose.
Tom: Forward the mails!
> A few details about myself: Gardening is important to me -
Crow: No wonder he doesn't have an active social life.
Tom: I heard that the Gardening Club has some swinging dances.
>my partner does not have to be an avid gardener, but would have
>to appreciate beautiful and interesting gardens.
Tom/Crow: BONSAI!!
> I enjoy the water,
Tom: Washing, keeping clean, especially behind the ears.
> from snorkeling to walking the beach, light sailing, etc.
Crow: He's got a light sail? Can he stop by and pick us up?
>I enjoy almost all types of music (heavy metal is out).
Crow: It is not. Heavy Metal is in, in, in!
>I enjoy
>good food, travel, reading, sculpture, laughter, relaxed evenings
>at home,
Tom: Strolls by the river, kicking small dogs, and toturing the
children.
Crow: Now who's being dark?
> and most importantly a caring and alive woman who wants
>to savor all the world has to offer. I am a liberal conservative
>or a conservative liberal, depending on your point of view, non-
>religious, but believe in a higher power.
Crow: The almighty dollar!
Tom: Sounds like Rush.
Crow: The band?
Tom: No that fat guy with the radio show and a book.
Crow: Which one of Rush is fat?
Tom: Oh, shut up.
> I give wonderful massages, and enjoy them equally. I believe
>that physical compatibility is a must and that the act of making
>love, like a good meal, should be savored and appreciated as long
>as possible, that giving pleasure is as important as being given
>pleasure.
Crow: My parser is having problems with this. How is making love like
pizza?
Tom: I think both have something to do with cheese.
> Drugs are absolutely out.
Crow: [Pot-smoker voice] Wow, man, like that's reeeeely far out.
> I am a non-smoker and very light social drinker.
Tom: Around 160 pounds, right?
>I do not ski and am not particularly fond of winter sports.
Crow: I thought this guy was into everything. Now we find out he
doesn't like show.
Tom: Maybe he's an Aquatic Wizard?
>I am not a team sports fanatic, though I can watch
>a game of football, baseball, etc. without going to sleep.
Tom: [Announcer voice] Welcome to another game of Professional Etc.
>=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
>To find out more about the anon service, send mail to he...@anon.penet.fi.
>Due to the double-blind, any mail replies to this message will be anonymized,
Tom: Pushed, filed, stamped and indexed.
>and an anonymous id will be allocated automatically. You have been
>warned.
Crow: Yeah, so take that, you commie bastard!
>Please report any problems, inappropriate use etc. to ad...@anon.penet.fi.
Tom: We gotta go.
Crow: Thank goodness.
1-2-3-4-5-6=--
Crow: So where do you think Mike hid the Snowballs?
Tom: Crow, don't you realize that we're alone again??!!!
Gypsy: I'm gonna..
[Suddenly Mike reappears.]
Mike: AHAHA. Hey! What's going on here.
Tom/Crow/Gypsy: Mike! You're back!
Mike: Where did I go?
Tom: Well, I think the MAD's molecular anti-vibronic device somhow
transported you just enough into the future that you missed a
really, really horrible post.
Mike: That bad, huh.
Crow: Worse.
[Deep 13]
DrF: I've made a time travel device!
TVF: And I thought it was just a neat swizzle stick.
DrF: Push the button, Frank.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
This was my first attempt at doing a MiSTing, so I apologize for the
really lame plot device to get rid of Mike. I also apologize for the
poor quality of the MiSTing. I also want to apologize for Ronald
Reagan, but that's out of my control.
-Greg "Super Freak" G
--
I don't need speed, I don't need weed, I get my kicks the right way - NATURL
"You're wrong. You're entitled to your opinion, but you're still wrong." -
my very own net.credo
I think we're all bozos on this bus.
Martin G Manley
> This was my first attempt at doing a MiSTing, so I apologize for the
> really lame plot device to get rid of Mike. I also apologize for the
> poor quality of the MiSTing. I also want to apologize for Ronald
> Reagan, but that's out of my control.
We forgive you the plot device. I don't think you have anything
to apologize for in terms of the MiSTing quality. I found it
above average, altho, to be honest you really had great material
to work from.
Martin Manley
Now about this Ronald Reagan thing ...
Elayne Wechsler-Chaput
tpc.com> writes:
: This was my first attempt at doing a MiSTing, so I apologize for the
: really lame plot device to get rid of Mike. I also apologize for the
: poor quality of the MiSTing. I also want to apologize for Ronald
: Reagan, but that's out of my control.
Oh Greg, I laughed till I cried - this was WONDERFUL! When I first saw
this asshole's posting on alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre, the first thing I
thought was, "if he's looking for a drug-free woman, he's posting to the
wrong place - our little newsgroup is mostly inhabited by males, and most
of THEM are ANYTHING but drug-free!" So I wrote him telling him same,
and mentioning that he couldn't possibly be "very intelligent" if he did
this sort of thing and cross-posted (presumably) tons of newsgroups,
rather than just posting in the newsgroups made for this sort of thing.
But I like your "response" MUCH better!
- Elayne