MSTied: "FREE MONEY" with help from the Goons!
Dave Van Domelen
is dashing about in the background in a panic, Tom and Crow are dashing around
in the foreground in a panic, and Mike is pushing buttons and trying to make
Gypsy stop panicking long enough to tell him what the panic is about]
Mike: <finally grabs Gypsy> Gypsy! What's going on? And could you shut off
some of those claxons?
Gypsy: COLLISION IMMINENT!
Mike: Collision! Quick, give me rocket number nine!
[Rocket Number 9: we see a large jet-propelled self-guided NAAFI (it's like a
travelling army canteen in the Brit army) approaching the SOL. It docks with a
sound not unlike a splong.]
Magic Voice: We are currently being boarded. Intruder sign in 5...4...3...2...
1...intruder sign now.
[GRAMS: The insidious Bloodnock Theme plays in the background as a band of
ragged idiots in British Royal Army outfits stagger onto the SOL deck.]
Bloodnock: Ohhoohoowwaiowww.... We've been spranged from behind by a naughty
Amerihern post type thing!
Henry Crun: Yeee-ees...it's lodged in our sinful intake device thing. We must
get it out or we'll be unable to get to Pakistan, I tell you!
Gypsy: Oh, I see it...I'll have the remotes pull it out.
Tom: Wait, Gypsy, it might go off!
Crow: <horrified look> TOO LATE! INCOMING!
>From an12...@anon.penet.fi Fri Sep 16 21:12:06 EDT 1994
Thynne: The fiendish swine! Counterfieting himself as a Finlander!
Tom: Who ARE you people?
>Article: 3555 of alt.fan.goons
>Message-ID: <004412Z...@anon.penet.fi>
>Path:magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!
>EU.net!news.eunet.fi!anon.penet.fi
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.goons
>From: an12...@anon.penet.fi (Crusader)
Crow: Uh oh, I got a bad feeling about this. Anyone who calls himself a
Crusader's gonna be real bad ju-ju.
>X-Anonymously-To: alt.fan.goons
>Organization: Anonymous contact service
Eccles: I had me an anonnymus contact once.
Bluebottle: What was it like?
Crow: It hurt and burned and stuff.
Eccles: Oh, you've had one too?
>Reply-To: an12...@anon.penet.fi
>Date: Sat, 17 Sep 1994 00:37:47 UTC
>Subject: FREE MONEY!
Neddie: <zooms in from edge of screen> Where?
Thynne: Calm down, Neddie, you'll overheat your knees like that.
>Lines: 76
Mike: 76 Dumb posts in the big parade....
Tom: ...and 101 cancels on the way!
>
>
> *********************
> * *
> * FREE MONEY!!! *
> * *
> *********************
>
>
Bloodnock: My favorite kind!
Tom: Actually, I was *going* to make a "Free Willy" joke here, but you ruined
it!
Crow: No, I suspect he simply saved you some embarrassment.
Tom: Humph.
>
>
> CAN BE YOURS! if you are an 80-IQ
Eccles: Drat! Underqualified again!
> welfare mother producing illegitimate
>offspring at 9-month intervals starting at the age of 13.
Mike: This must be one of those secrets contained in those Other Films the
girls got to watch while we guys learned about Industrial Ed.
>
> Generous funds are also available if you are an illegal alien in need
>of medical services while you give birth to a new "American" citizen, now
>that you are north of the Rio Grande.
Thynne: Indeed...giving birth to an American is certainly a grave medical
condition. And no cure in sight, sadly.
>
> Grants to "help you get started" are available if you are a member of
>Jewish organized crime gangs newly arrived as "refugees" from Russia.
Bloodnock: Quick, Neddie! Hand me that Russian/Yiddish dictionary you just
happened to be carrying! <sings> We're in the money....
Crow: Oy vey....
>
> If you are a homosexual "performance artist" the National Endowment
>for the Arts will pay you handsomely to literally or figuratively fling
>dung at your audience.
Thynne: You'll starve.
Tom: I don't *even* want to know how that catchphrase is meant to apply here.
>
> If you are a foreign dictator currently in the good graces of the New
>World Order elitists, multiple billions can be yours, as long as you
>"cooperate".
Crow: But, the minute you step out of line, expect several months of
embarrassing visits from CNN news crews as they establish a beachhead
and interview your gardening staff!
Tom: Let's not forget airlifts of Japanese radios!
Neddie: Fiendish!
>
> And if you burn down your own neighborhood when a court decision
>doesn't go your way, don't worry: truckloads of money will soon arrive to
>build you new breeding colonies--er, I mean houses, apartments, community
>centers, swimming pools, etc.
Tom: Yes, why bother addressing the underlying racial politics and classist
tensions that have existed in the area for decades, when you can blame
it all on a fit of pique!
Eccles: I had a fit of pique once....
Neddie: Shut up Eccles!
Eccles: Shut up Eccles! <sings> Ragged idiot...s-t-u-p-i-d....
>
>
> Oh, I forgot to mention one thing: all this free money is not available
Mike: Unless you're in a group the author personally hates the guts of. And
it pisses him off no end.
>to you if you are an ordinary straight White American,
Crow: What if you're an extraordinarily bent White American, like the author?
> a descendant of the
>men and women of Europe
Bloodnock: Curses! I'm a descendant of all of the above sinful sexes of
Europe! Help me into this blackface and false nose!
> who discovered, pioneered, and built America and
>made her the greatest nation ever known.
All: <Raucous laughter>
Thynne: Silly, twisted Hern. Everyone knows England is the greatest nation
ever known.
Moriarty: Sapristi! And they've got the bank overdraught to prove it!
> If you are one the quiet, sober
Bloodnock: Ah, at last a loophole! Round the back for the old brandy!
[sound effect of large group whooshing round back]
[sound effect of large group sheepishly coming back in after realizing that
'round back' is outer space]
>, thrifty
Crow: Whoops, I'm out too.
Tom: You mean you're still not setting aside money for taxes? Didn't you
learn anything from this year?
Crow: Yeah, to not let you do my taxes!
>, hard-working,
Neddie: Whew, I was almost included there for a second.
> decent
Thynne: You insult me, sir! I challenge you to a duel on the field of honor!
Here, take this duelling pistol. Moriarty, my artillery piece, if you
will...?
>and almost infinitely tolerant White majority, your job is to work hard to
>provide all the free money and free goodies that the criminals
Bloodnock: Ah, looks like we get the free money after all! <sings> April in
Paris....
>--uh, I
>mean politicians
Tom: OOOH, biting satire, 'slipping' and calling politicians criminals.
Crow: Yeah, that's SOOOO original and clever.
Moriarty: Not to mention true, mes ami.
Neddie: I deny the allegation!
Eccles: Ooooh, you're a poli-politissian?
Neddie: Not yet, but it pays to practice.
>who like to give away to buy votes for the minority and
>special interest voting blocs.
Mike: Sorry...much as I dislike grammar flames, that last phrase is a doozy.
I mean, it implies that the minority blocs are being given the votes.
> IF YOU LIKE THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE--
Crow: Sure! If they were fixed, we wouldn't have anything to whine about,
and then where would the author be?
Crun: In this vat of treacle.
Tom: Once more, who *are* you weirdos?
>keep smiling,
Mike: But that gets painful after a while, doesn't it?
Crow: Not if you use Prozac.
Tom: Like this twit should.
Neddie: Might I suggest Grinno, the wonder smile-freezer? Recommended by
all BBC Quiz Show Hosts!
> keep watching TV,
Moriarty: For those of you without television, there's a madman with a
keyboard menacing the newsgroup! Send help!
Thynne: And money.
> keep on voting Democrat and Republican,
Mike: Kinda hard to vote here in space.
Eccles: I vote Labour and Tory m'self.
Bluebottle: All at once?
Eccles: Yeah, I just mark all the boxes...it's hard to keep the crayons
inside those tiny lines.
Neddie: You naughty Chicago-type voter, you, Eccles.
>and, above all, keep on working hard to keep the "free money" flowing!
Thynne: And please point it this way if you would, Charlie? Thank you so
much.
> BUT--IF YOU WOULD RATHER give the crooked politicians a fair trial,
Crow: Why should they get any better treatment than the rest of us?
>and the the minority parasites packing to fend for themselves,
Tom: Say, isn't The The touring right now?
Bluebottle: I'm not a parasite, I'm a bluebottle! Nee-hee!
>then listen
>to our weekly radio program, American Dissident Voices,
Greenslade: And now the BBC presents, more of the same mindless paranoid
drivel.
Neddie: Good show, Greenslade! Now kindly remove that grammophone from your
trousers and sit down.
>and contact us to
>find out how we're working to restore America to her rightful owners.
Thynne: Who are, of course, the British.
>
>
>American Dissident Voices can be heard on shortwave radio: 7355 khz,
>Saturdays, 01:00 UTC (9:00 pm Eastern)
Mike: And also at the bus station near the restrooms.
Tom: And muttering in corners of fast food restaurants that still allow
smoking.
Crow: Me, I'm surprised that such a rabid Us-Firster would use something
as cosmopolitan as UTC.
>
>
>
> NATIONAL ALLIANCE
> BOX 90
> HILLSBORO, WV 24946
> USA
> (304) 653-4600 -- 24 hr message
>
Neddie: That's a long message. He'll run out of steam before he finishes
it.
Bloodnock: Can't be helped, his speaking trumpet is locked in the "on"
position, he can't stop.
>
> -> Crusader <-
Mike: Ah yes, Crusaders have such a great record. Ignorantly barging into
other nations, killing for misunderstood ideologies, getting killed
because they're clueless idiots...he chose his handle well.
Crow: Ah, Mike, you're getting carried away.
Eccles: Oooh! Where to? Can I come?
Tom: Shut up Eccles!
>-------------------------------------------------------------------------
>To find out more about the anon service, send mail to he...@anon.penet.fi.
>Due to the double-blind, any mail replies to this message will be anonymized,
>and an anonymous id will be allocated automatically. You have been warned.
>Please report any problems, inappropriate use etc. to ad...@anon.penet.fi.
Mike: DISSEMINATION and UNaltered REPRODUCTION of this IMPORTANT information
is ENCOURAGED.
Crow: But unlikely in the extreme.
Neddie: Well said, well said, well said, well said! <voice rising in pitch and
volume>
Thynne: Stop that fool thing.
Gypsy: Guys, your NAAFI is fixed, you can go on your way now.
Eccles: Goody goody! Hey you, wanna come along?
Mike: Us? Sure, where you going?
Crun: We...we are headed on a a scientific expedition to the Sun, to try and
put out the fire there! It's arson, I tell you!
Mike: On second thought, I think I'll stay here. Good luck, though.
Crow: <nervously> Yeah, uh, bye...
[Goons exit together, sounds of theme music start but fade as they depart]
Mike: Whew. That was certainly a bile-filled post. I'm glad we didn't have
to suffer through it alone.
Crow: You're telling me!
Tom: Yeah! But...<shakes> WHO THE GROK WERE THOSE GUYS???
Greenslade: <disembodied like Magic Voice> That was the Goon Show, a BBC radio
production starring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. This
is Wallace Greenslade saying goodnight. Goodnight.
Magic Voice: Goodnight....
Ivan D. Reid
dva...@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Dave Van Domelen) writes...
[snip happens!]
Bravo! I couldn't have said it better myself...
Ivan Reid, Paul Scherrer Institute, CH. iv...@cvax.psi.ch
Spatch
just sent my mail to misties@js waaaaaah) but since it was so damn funny
and had the Goons in it I will forgive you. :)
--
_____ spa...@twain.ucs.umass.edu
|\ /|
| O | No icons were used, mistreated, or hurt in the making of this post.
|/ \|
Petrea E. Mitchell
[much silliness deleted]
: Greenslade: <disembodied like Magic Voice> That was the Goon Show, a BBC radio
: production starring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. This
: is Wallace Greenslade saying goodnight. Goodnight.
: Magic Voice: Goodnight....
<applause>
Ah, we Goonish MSTies are out of the closet at last! We couldn't
get the door open, you see...
--
/ <|> <|> <pr...@mvp.com> <pr...@gm.dev.com>
Petrea Mitchell ** GO NINERS ** <pem...@is.nyu.edu>
"Please do not stare directly into Greg. Thank you."
---msta...@aol.com, warning r/a.t.m about Greg Gershowitz
Martin G Manley
> Ah, we Goonish MSTies are out of the closet at last! We couldn't
> get the door open, you see...
Bluebottle: Eccles, open the door.
Eccles: How do you open a door?
Bluebottle: You turn the knob on your side.
<Pause>
Eccles: I haven't got a knob on my side.
Bluebottle: On your side of the door!
Eccles: Oho! I'll soon get the hang of this.
Martin Manley
Natalie Jacobs
dva...@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu writes:
[funny silly MiSTing with two comedic tastes that taste great together
deleted]
Good stuff. I miss my Goons record. I had this tape with the Goons on
one side and Spike Jones on the other. I listened to it constantly when
I was little. That's why I'm warped now.
- Natalie "Ying-tong-iddle-i-po" Jacobs
Greg Gershowitz
>Dave, you violated nastynasty dibs policy by MiSTing w/o calling dibs (I
>just sent my mail to misties@js waaaaaah) but since it was so damn funny
>and had the Goons in it I will forgive you. :)
Well, neither Lisa not I called dibs on the Curious Millionare
piece. To put it bluntly, we don't care. (BTW, check out the FROM:
address on this one, it may look familiar.)
-Greg "Licence Failure" G
--
I don't need speed, I don't need weed, I get my kicks the right way - NATURL
"You're wrong. You're entitled to your opinion, but you're still wrong." -
my very own net.credo
I think we're all bozos on this bus.
Nigel Andrews
> one side and Spike Jones on the other. I listened to it constantly when
> I was little. That's why I'm warped now.
Warped maybe, but at least it's in the right direction!
--
Nigel Andrews