[MiSTied] Making Money Fast
CO...@maine.maine.edu
get right down to the MiSTing.]
Path: maine.maine.edu!saturn.caps.maine.edu!news.ycc.yale.edu!
yale!gumby!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!n
TOM: So this has been through Maine, Yale, and Saturn.
ews.sprintlink.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.isp.net!news.slip.net!chisp05.s
lip.net!user
From: mac...@slip.net.com
Newsgroups: alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die
CROW: Ah, he certainly knows the high-class groups!
Subject: Fast Cash, NO JOKE!
TOM: Not another one of THESE, please.
JOEL: They're not that bad, Tom.
CROW: Rather repetetive if you ask me.
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 14:30:05 -0400
CROW: Wed twelve jul?
Organization: mac shareware monthly
Lines: 258
JOEL: Get ready, guys, it's long.
Message-ID: <macman-1207...@chisp05.slip.net>
NNTP-Posting-Host: chisp05.slip.net
>Dear Friend:
CROW: So I'm your friend all of a sudden.
>My name is **** ******.
TOM: So they're censoring these all of a sudden?
In September 1988 my car was repossessed and the
>bill collectors were hounding me like you wouldn't believe. I was laid
>off and my unemployment checks had run out.
MIKE: [sobbing] What a sad story...
CROW: Just how dumb does he think we are, anyway?
The only escape I had from
>the pressures of failure was my
CROW: ...teddy bear.
computer and my modem. I longed to turn
>my avocation into my vocation.
TOM: Exactly what is the difference?
>In January 1989 my family and I went on a ten day cruise to the tropics.
JOEL: ...And you can too, with our amazing money-back guaruntee!!
>I bought a brand new Lincoln Town Car with CASH in February 1989.
TOM: CASH- Credit Aimed at Stupid Hackers!
>I am currently building a new home on the west coast of Florida, with a
>private pool, boat slip, an a beautiful view of the bay from my breakfast
>room table and patio. I will never have to work again. Today I am
>RICH!
ALL: [singing] Publisher's Clearing House... where your dreams come true!
>I have earned over $400,000.00 (Four Hundred Thousand Dollars)
TOM: He really underestimates our intelligence. I know what
$400,000.00 is.
to date
JOEL: He earned all that just from dating?
CROW: Where can I join?
>and will become a millionaire within 4 or 5 months.
TOM: ...scientists estimate.
Anyone can do the
>same. This money making program works perfectly every time, 100% of the
>time.
JOEL: He had to tell us that 100% meant all the time?
I have NEVER failed to earn $50,000.00 or more whenever I wanted.
>Best of all, you never have to leave home except to go to your mailbox or
>post office.
CROW: You would become quite a recluse.
TOM: BECOME THE NEXT HOWARD HUGHES!!!!!!! FIND OUT HOW!! CALL NOW!!!
In October 1988, I received a letter in the mail telling me
>how I could earn $50,000.00 or more whenever I wanted.
CROW: Of course, I didn't pay any attention to it, seeing as I was
already a millionare.
I was naturally
>very skeptical and threw the letter on the desk next to my computer.
JOEL: He keeps his wastebasket on his desk next to his computer?
>It's funny though, when you are desperate, backed into a corner, your
>mind does crazy things. I spent a frustrating day looking through the
>want ads for a job with a future. The pickings were sparse at best.
CROW: He was this poor yet owned a computer and had online service.
>That night I tried to unwind by booting up my computer and calling
>several bulletin boards. I read several of the messages posted and then
>glanced at the letter laying next to the computer. All at once it became
>clear to me. I now had the key to my dreams.
CROW: I found it inside the envelope!
>I realized that with the power of the computer I could expand and enhance
>this money making formula into the most unbelievable cash flow generator
>that has ever been created.
JOEL: ...I knew I should have patented it.
I substituted the computer bulletin boards
>in place of the post office and electronically did by computer what
>others were doing by mail.
CROW: And the FBI arrested me.
Now only a few letters are mailed manually.
TOM: The rest are mailed by hand.
>Most of the hard work is speedily downloaded to other bulletin boards
>throughout the world. If you believe that someday you deserve that lucky
>break that you have waited for all of your life, simply follow the easy
>instructions below. Your dreams WILL come true.
JOEL: Just follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Sincerely yours,
**** ******
TOM: Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
**INSTRUCTIONS**
>Follow these instructions EXACTLY, and in 20 to 60 days you will have
>received well over $50,000.00 cash, all yours.
CROW: Change any of the instructions, and your computer may explode.
This program has remained
>successful because of the HONESTY and integrity of the participants.
JOEL: ...Then, shortly after I joined, it collapsed.
>Please continue its success by CAREFULLY ADHERING to the
>instructions.
TOM: If you don't we will track you down...you cannot hide from us.
>Welcome to the world of Mail Order!
TOM: Which is seperate from Planet Earth.
This little business is somewhat
>different than most mail order houses.
JOEL: The other mail order houses are at least partly honest.
Your product is not solid and
>tangible, but rather a service. You are in the business of developing
>Mailing Lists.
JOEL: Then what are you here for?
CROW: Yeah!
Many large corporations are happy to pay big bucks for
>quality lists. (The money made from the mailing lists is secondary to
>the income which is made from people like yourself requesting that they
>be included in that list.)
JOEL: Uh, could you please repeat that?
>[1] Immediately mail $1.00 to the first 5 names listed below,
>starting at number 1 through number 5.
CROW: Is there any way you could be making that any clearer?
SEND CASH ONLY. (Total
>investment: $5.00)
JOEL: They don't even trust us to know that 1 x 5 = 5.
Enclose a note with each letter stating: "Please add
>my name to your mailing list". Include your name and mailing address.
>(This is a legitimate service that you are requesting and you are paying
>$1.00 for this service.)
JOEL: So you are paying people to add your name to a mailing list? I
usually pay stores to take my name off their mailing lists.
TOM: Just how do you get rich doing this?
>[2] Remove the name that appears as number 1 on the list. Move the
>other 9 names up one position (Number 2 becomes number 1, number 3
>becomes number 2, and so on). Place your name, address, and zip code in
>the number 10 position.
JOEL: Of course, if they just came right out and admitted this is nothing
more than a chain letter they probably wouldn't get much business.
>[3] With your name in the number 10 position, upload this ENTIRE file
>to 10 (ten) different bulletin boards.
TOM: Yes, I am quite aware that 10 equals ten. Thanks for pointing
it out, anyway.
You may post it to the BBS's
>message base or to the file section. Name it FASTCASH.TXT, and use the
>file description comments to draw attention to this file and its great
>potential for all of us.
CROW: Its great potential to steal money away from really gullible
people!
>[4] Within 60 days you will receive over $50,000.00 in CASH.
TOM: Use it to send $1 each to 50,000 MORE people.
Keep a
>copy of this file for yourself so that you can use it again and again
CROW: Until you get arrested.
>whenever you need money. As soon as you mail out these letters you are
>automatically in the mail order business. People will be sending YOU $1.
>00 to be placed on your mailing list.
TOM: And of course, I'LL REFUSE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
>This list can then be rented to a broker that can be found in your local
>yellow pages listings for additional income on a regular basis.
CROW: He would have to be pretty small to fit in there.
The list
>will become more valuable as it grows in size.
JOEL: People will be able to use it for ballast.
>This is a service. ** IT IS PERFECTLY LEGAL **
TOM: Or it would be, if there weren't any laws against it.
>If you have any doubts as to the legality of this service, please refer
>to Title 18, Sections 1302 and 1341 of the Postal Lottery Laws.
CROW: And you will discover that it is, indeed, illegal.
>NOTE: Make sure that you retain EVERY name and address sent to you,
>either on computer or hard copy, but do not discard the names and notes
>that people send to you. This is PROOF that you are truly providing a
>service, and should the I.R.S. or some other government agency question
>you, you can provide them with this proof!
CROW: And if they're dumb enough to believe you, you're scot-free!
>Remember, as each post is downloaded and the instructions carefully
>followed, five members will be reimbursed for their participation as a
>List Developer with $1.00 each. Your name will move up the list
>geometrically so that when your name reaches the number 5 position you
>will be receiving thousands of dollars in cash.
JOEL: ...from ignorant gullible people like you.
REMEMBER - THIS PROGRAM FAILS ONLY IF YOU ARE NOT HONEST - PLEASE!!
PLEASE BE HONORABLE...IT DOES WORK! THANK YOU.
CROW: Yes, of course. If it wasn't for honest people, would this scheme
have ever existed? Of course it would have!
**
>To those with the COMMON sense to participate in this easy money
>opportunity:
TOM: ...You obviously don't have enough.
>About six months ago I received the enclosed post in letter form. I
>ignored it. I received about five more of the same letter within the
>next two week. I ignored them also. Of course, I was tempted to follow
>through and dreamed of making thousands, but I was convinced it was just
>another gimmick and could not possibly work.
JOEL: How right I was...
>I was wrong! About three weeks later I saw this same letter posted on a
>local bulletin board in Montreal. I liked the idea of giving it a try
>with my computer. I didn't expect much because I figured, if other
>people were as skeptical as I, they would not be too quick to part with
>$5.00. But, I BUY LOTTERY TICKETS WEEKLY IN MY PROVINCE AND HAVE NOTHING
>TO SHOW FOR IT BUT TICKET STUBS!
CROW: I use the lottery every week and I'm proud of it!!!
>This week I decided to look at this as my weekly lottery purchase. I
>addressed the envelopes and mailed out $1.00 in each as directed. Two
>weeks went by and I didn't receive anything in the mail. The fourth week
>rolled around and I couldn't believe what happened! I can not say that I
>received $50,000.00, but it was definitely well over $35,000.00!
CROW: And I was arrested two hours later.
For the
>first time in 10 years I got out of debt. It was great. Of course, it
>did not take me long to go through my earnings, so I am using this
>excellent money making opportunity once again. FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS
>AND GET READY TO ENJOY!
JOEL: Sounds like the back of a video game box.
>Please send a copy of this letter along with the enclosed letter so
>together we can convince people who are skeptical that this really does
>work!
TOM: And if they're gullible, we might just convince them!
JOEL: Well, that's the end of it.
CROW & TOM: [together] Finally!
[all exit]
[sorry, I don't put in endings, either.]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
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O O R R F II E_____ CO...@MAINE.maine.edu
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