MSTied: "Never Closer Part I" (X-Files!)
Matt Burch
of an X-Files fanfic that appeared on alt.tv.x-files.creative some
time ago. Mystery Science Theater 3000 is a severely funny show, in
which a Mike, a guy trapped in space, and his two robots, Tom Servo
and Crow, are forced to watch sub-par movies, or, in this, case,
works of fan fiction.]
[Note to non X-Phile Misties: this MSTing contains many references
that could be considered 'X-Files In-Jokes'. If you don't like it,
either read the X-FAQ, watch more X-Files episodes until you get it,
and/or bite me. It's fun.]
- Matt Burch
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cbs% cat nc
CROW: Kitty!
MIKE: No Crow, that's just something the editor forgot to take out.
I'm 13 years old, and I wrote this X-Files story for a class
assignment.
TOM: <as teacher> Well, it's time to grade some papers... OH MY GOD!!!
There's no romance in this story,
MIKE: Oh, not the royal family again.
it mainly focuses on how Mulder and Scully work together.
MIKE: Hey guys, that gives me an idea...
CROW: What?
MIKE: I'll save it for the host segment.
This story would best fit in the first season of the X-Files,
Scully is very much ofa skeptic.
MIKE: Yes, the OFA enthusiastically supports skepticism!
TOM: OFA?
CROW: Oafs For America?
TOM: Other Fermented Accessories?
MIKE: Oh, For Anderson?
CROW: I'm sure the GATB would agree, Mike.
TOM: Heh.
Mulder is trying to find the truth as always.
CROW: Trust everything.
TOM: Deny the truth.
MIKE: No one is out there.
Please send me any questions or comments!
TOM: Here's a question... is that really Gillian Anderson in the
Saturn
commercial?
MIKE: Tom, nooooo!
I'd like some feedback on my story.
CROW: <makes terrible feedback-whistle noise>
This story is based on thecharacters and situations created by
Chris Carter and Ten Thirteen Productions.
TOM: No situations were harmed during the making of this fanfic.
CROW: We got a situation here!
Used without permission and no infringement of copyrights are
intended.
MIKE: Oh, I'm sure the copyright lawyers will have a field day with
that!
TOM: Uh, Mike? Ix-nay on the opyrights-cay!
~~~~~
CROW: Wow, a quintuple conjugate. I'm impressed.
Never Closer By Betty Tuong (Part 1)
ALL: WHOO-HOO! TUONG!!!
MIKE: Guys, that's "bong", not "Tuong".
~~~~~
82 ORSON ROAD
CROW: War of the Worlds 82.
TOM: Electic Boogaloo.
ATLANTIC CITY, NEW JERSEY
MIKE: A real great place to raise your kids... not!
JULY 26, 1994
8:25 PM
TOM: About teatime.
An eighty six year old war veteran leaned over to grab his
remote control.
CROW: Bend over and kiss your remote control goodbye, sucker!
General Hugh Watson turned off his TV set and wheeled his wheelchair
owards his bedroom.
MIKE: That would seem to be what one would do with a WHEELchair, would
it not?
"Honey, do you need help?" Asked Mrs. Watson.
TOM: Nothing a little Rogaine won't fix!
"No, I can get into bed myself." Replied a tired General
Watson.
CROW: The other General Watsons were already in bed.
"Ok, well I'll be going to the drugstore now."
MIKE: If you 'know what I mean'.
"Umm hmm." mumbled Watson.
"Be back in 10 minutes."
TOM: Or else.
With the faint sound of the door slamming shut Watson rolled into bed
and with trembling hands
MIKE: Talk about strange bedfellows...
he reached for his glass of water and took his pills. He closed his
eyes and
CROW: ...enjoyed the rush.
ALL: WHOO-HOO!!!
rested, but then he hesitated
TOM: Guys, I think I'm having a "Better The Devil You Know"
flashback...
and opened his eyes. He was sure he had heard the creak of the
ancient
staircase.
CROW: ...in his summer home in Florida.
"Honey? You back already?"
Silence filled the room.
MIKE: It should diet and get more exercise, then.
"Honey? H-H-oney?"
TOM: W-W-est?
Suddenly the door to Watson's bedroom slammed open.
ALL: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
A young man in his twenties appeared.
CROW: Poof! Just like that!
"W-w-hat?" stuttered Watson. "Who are you?"
TOM: <singing> ...I wa-wa-wa-wa-wonder...
CROW: Juliewa-nder?
MIKE: No, Steve-nder.
With an evil laugh the young man replied.
"You now who I am."
TOM: <begins shaking violently>
MIKE: It's okay, pal, just an honest grammar mistake.
TOM: ::sniff:: You sure?
MIKE: Promise.
"No! Please, you don't know what you're doing - "
"Shut up," the man spat on the floor. "You're gonna pay for
what
you did."
CROW: Took a mint from the Lyons Club box without paying, that's what!
Grabbing Watson's face and twisting a cord around it, he began to do
his
killing.
TOM: <whining> Mi-ike...
Gagging screams was all that could be heard in the bedroom.
TOM: MIKE!!! You promised!
MIKE: Er, okay, maybe not.
Before the death that would end his life,
MIKE: <slaps forehead> What other kinds of death are there?!?
CROW: ...before the opening of the door that would cause the door to
open...
TOM: ...before the redundancy that would be redundant as well as
redundant...
for a split second Watson thought he saw his beloved wife strangling
his own neck.
CROW: Oh, yikes.
MIKE: So his wife is a guy now?
TOM: Apparently, and she's choking herself.
~~~~~
J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
CROW: Ladies' Wear department.
FBI HEADQUARTERS
WASHINGTON, D.C.
TOM: I think I hear a giant sucking sound...
AUGUST 15, 1994 8:46 AM
MIKE: Isn't that Rebecca's birthday?
CROW: No, that's the 5th.
TOM: Guys, do you realize that nobody in the world will get that?
CROW: So what? Hi, Rebecca!
TOM: Oh, is the great Crow going to pander to the audience now?
Special Agent Fox Mulder sat at his desk and began the day
going through his stack of files.
MIKE: <as Mulder> Hmmm... Celebrity Skin, Hustler, Big Jugs
Magazine...
CROW: I think the porn thing is strictly Morgan & Wong, actually.
Stretching his legs out and with a tired yawn he reached for his bag
of sunflower seeds, cracked a seed shell in half, and flicked it into
his mouth.
TOM: <as Mulder> *That's* what I'd like to do to Scully.
MIKE: Wow! That's naughty!
He checked the time on his watch, and looked toward the door
expectedly.
TOM: I'm not going to say anything...
"Good morning Agent Scully, right on time."
CROW: He's talking to the door?
MIKE: Well, he *is* a lonely guy...
Special Agent Dana Scully, Mulder's partner, walked in uncertainly
with her briefcase in hand.
TOM: ...and a hand in her briefcase!
CROW: In the frozen peas!
MIKE: You guys've been playing "Escalating Fetishist" again, haven't
you?
"Good morning Mulder, I see you're quite busy." Scully replied
flatly.
CROW: Did I read that right? Did Betty actually use the words
'Scully' and 'flat' in the same sentence?!?
MIKE: Crow, I'm warning you...
She always knew Mulder was up to something if he wasn't already
running around the country chasing would be aliens down.
TOM: He's funny that way.
"Yah, real busy Scully," Mulder replied with a yawn.
MIKE: Ah. Your tax dollars at work.
"Here, read this."
Mulder threw a file at Scully which landed on the floor.
TOM: We saw a bear driving through Yellowstone National Park.
Scully picked it up with a cold stare pointed at Mulder.
CROW: That's not all that was pointed at...
MIKE: Crow !One more crack like that, and I'm confiscating your
GATB membership card!
"Hey, you know I have bad aim." Mulder nodded his head
towards his waste basket with crumpled sheets of paper on the floor,
evidence of Mulder's attempts to play basketball during work.
TOM: I always thought he was a footbal fan, anyways.
Scully heaved a big sigh and had a small smile on her face.
CROW: Heh-heh. She said 'Scully' and 'heaved'.
MIKE: Right! That's it! When we get out of here, I'm forcing you
to watch every episode of 'Mantis' ever made!!!
TOM: Ye gods, man, have you no sense of decency?!?
She opened the file with caution,
MIKE: Careful! It might be loaded!
and heaved an even bigger sigh. She skimmed throught the report,
getting the main facts.
TOM: No need to bother with those pesky details, right?
CROW: That's the CIA, not the FBI.
"On August 5th, General Hugh Watson was killed in his bed
with no trace evidence of the criminal, and no evidence of forced
entry, and his wife Margaret Watson was gone for 10 minutes,
questioning has been done."
MIKE: Wow! Faulkner wrote shorter sentences than this girl!
Scully flipped through the pages, with a puzzled look on her face.
CROW: Could you explain the in-field fly rule again?
"Where is the coroner's report Mulder?"
TOM: <as Scully> Mulder, I'm reporting you to the coroner!
"Oh, I pulled some strings. You know me, I've got friends
in the FBI.
CROW: Really? I wouldn't have guessed.
You're doing the autopsy."
TOM: <as Scully> Oh, joy.
Mulder rested a hand on his chin with a smug look on his face. With
that, Scully forced herself to smile a friendly smile,
MIKE: ...to dream the impossible dream...
CROW: ...to redundantly state the obvious in a redundant manner,
using redundancy as well as redundancy...
and left the office heading for the medical labs.
MIKE: Sheridan to Medlab, we need you in C&C!
TOM: Just couldn't go without a B5 reference, could you?
CROW: <as Kosh> There is a hole... in your plot...
~~~~~
TOM: Mike, those waves are making me seasick...
MEDICAL LABORATORIES
FBI HEADQUARTERS
CROW: Illinois, USA.
AUGUST 15, 1994 9:15 AM
MIKE: Oops, David Duchovny's 15 minutes of fame are up.
TOM: Never!
CROW: You infidel!
Scully walked down the aisle nodding her head in recognition
of her acquaintances, and grabbed her white overcoat from a hook.
TOM: And there... on the handle... was a white overcoat.
She couldn't remember the countless times Mulder had asked her to
conduct autopsy reports for him. But what she did remember
CROW: ...was the time he asked her to do an autopsy on *him*.
was when she first met him.
MIKE: They met on 1-900-AREA-51.
He was known as "Spooky" Mulder because of his neverending
paranoia
TOM: <singing> The never-ending paranoi-a!
and his strong beliefs.
MIKE: And especially his buttocks. Pert, yet so firm...
CROW: Ahem!
MIKE: What, me hypocrite?
She was recruited as his new partner to look over his work, to see
if he was following FBI policy and protocol.
TOM: Too bad Woolsey couldn't get her to check up on Aldrich Ames.
She had been on many wild goose chases with him, searching for
UFO's and such,
CROW: You know.
MIKE: That sort of thing and all.
but she was still as much as a skeptic as when she first met him.
TOM: That Duane Barry thing didn't faze ya a bit, eh?
"Enough about Mulder, let's just get this over with Agent
Scully."
MIKE: ...the hell?!?
She mumbled to herself.
TOM: <as Scully> Note to myself: Must remember to introduce Mulder to
the concept of 'bathing'.
Scully pulled out her instruments and unzipped the body bag.
A horrible odour emanated from the body.
CROW: Oh, Scully had the three-bean burrito for lunch.
TOM: Ya know, I'll bet Betty has some pretty colourful humour.
Scully turned her head away, and then trying to forget the horrid
stench, she turned on her tape recorder and began
MIKE: ...listening to R.E.M.
TOM: Yes, depression is the perfect antidote for stinkiness.
examining the body.
CROW: I have been, thank you very much.
MIKE: Do I have to take away your Starlog Platinum #5, too?
"The time is 9:26 AM, August 15th, 1994,
CROW: A date that will live in infamy!
the victim is General Hugh Watson. There is a huge contusion
TOM: <singing> ...to see what condition my contusion is in...
about 4 centimetres thick around the victim's neck,and by looking
at the veins in the victim's eye,
CROW: <as Scully> I can make myself gag. Wow!
he probably died of asphyxiation caused by strangulation."
MIKE: Apparently, some wag put a 'Strangle Me' sign on his back.
Scully examined the body for the next 16 minutes,
TOM: Six to do the autopsy, ten to puke her guts out.
then turned off her recorder. She heard her stomach grumbling
regardless of the grotesque situation she was in.
MIKE: She was hungry for... liver!
CROW: Eugene Victor Tooms, nooooo!!!
"Mulder, you owe me lunch." Scully reminded to herself as
she snapped her
TOM: ...own bra.
surgical gloves off to take a break,
CROW: One! Two! One-two-three-four!
ALL: <singing> Gimme a break, gimme a break...
and left the room with one last look at the cold, expressionless
face
TOM: ...of Mulder.
of General Watson.
TOM: Oh.
~~~~~
CROW: Look, the Yamato fired the wave motion gun.
End of Part 1
MIKE: Oh goody, I can't wait for parts one through FIFTY BILLION!!!
----------
Disclaimer: MST3K and related situations/characters/settings/scenarios
are the property of Best Brains; they had nothing to do with our
writing this. This MSTing was done for the sole purpose of
entertainment and is not meant to be a personal attack on the original
author(s) in any way. We intended no flames on any organizations,
characters, products, people, or ideas which were referenced in this
MSTing. This MSTing reflects my own personal viewpoints, and does not
necessarly reflect the views of, Kansas State University, God, or,
indeed, most of the free world. (special thanks to T-Bone for the
nifty disclaimer!)
--
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Matt Burch | There are very few problems that can't be solved
mbu...@ksu.ksu.edu | with the suitable application of photon torpedoes.
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--
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Matt Burch | There are very few problems that can't be solved
mbu...@ksu.ksu.edu | with the suitable application of photon torpedoes.
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