MiSTing: I Will Conquer You
Chris Mayfield
[SOL. Tom is lying down under what appears to be a modified version of
his Peace-lovin' Death Ray.]
Tom: What's it set on?
Crow: Um, 5,000,000,000 RADs. Is that high enough?
Tom: Yeah, that should do it.
[On walks Mike]
Mike: My God! Crow! What are you doing?
Crow: Me and Tom wanted super powers. Since in the comics and
all those movies we watch, radiation can make you super strong or
invisible or turn you into Mister Fantastic, we decided to set up
Tom's Death Ray to bathe us in large amounts of radiation.
Mike: Listen guys, comics and science fiction movies aren't good
sources of information. Back then, the public didn't understand
radiation. Film makers and comic book writers used this to
create a mythos that radiation could do anything. I mean, if
radiation gave people super powers, think of all the chemotherapy
patients who'd be out fighting crime. It just doesn't work that
way. People are no longer ignorant about radiation.
Tom: Then how do super heroes get powers today?
Mike: I think they're all mutants. Genetics is big these days.
Tom and Crow: [mystically] Genetics...
[commercial]
[Back on the SOL, Crow and Tom have an elaborate set of beakers and
tubes, typical sci-fi lab set-up.]
Crow: So how long will it take to grow this culture?
Tom: It should be done by the time we finish this week's
experiment.
Mike: [walking on] You boys got a little project there?
Crow: Yeah. We're genetically designing a master race, using
your DNA as a springboard.
Mike: Is that ethical?
Tom: We're robots. We don't have ethics.
Mike: I don't know...Oops! Crick and Wat--well, I guess it's
just Crick now. [hits light]
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: I see your little mechanical monkeys have decided to get
into the mad scientist business, too. There's always room for a
little more evil in the world I say. Speaking of evil, I'm
sending you two posts today. First comes a little Spamming about
your friend and mine, the H2O molecule. Then, a wonderful little
celestial delusion from our pals over at alt.alien.visitors.
Happy hunting!
[SOL. Chaos]
All: We've got post sign!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Absorb Some Knowledge of Water
Crow: Think of me as your sponge.
Mike and Tom: [groan]
>
>From: 5305962.896355483681(Tellafriend)
>Date: Wed, 22 Mar 1995 07:27:50 GMT
>Organization: Tellafriend
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.furry.muck
Tom: Ewwww. Look what the poodle did.
------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Me again !!
> Whisper and
> tell a friend about
> water.
All: [whispering sounds]
Tom: I hear there's this thing called water and it's all wet and
stuff and that Susan has two gallons of it at her house.
>
>Point of information: I don't care how busy you think you are!
> Take time to soak up some knowledge about
> the water that touches your
All: [clear throats nervously]
> life.
All: [sigh of relief]
>
>Subject: Soft water (U.S. & Canada only please)
>
>Send:
Crow: Help.
> $49.95
>
>Receive: A calibrated water sample bottle,
Tom: A .45 calibrated bottle.
> fill,
> seal and return to my lab.
>
>Receive: A short water usage document.
Mike: Is there a need for a water users manual?
>
>Receive: Quick reading FAQ and answers about the
> water that touches your life.
>
>Receive: After you return the sample of water and
> the document you will receive an analysis
> and recommendation.
>
>Receive: A free gift of true love.
Crow: Retail value: $59.99
> It's literally
> a road map to a personal emotional
> comfort level obtained by few.
Mike: With my luck, I'd take a wrong turn at Ecstasy and end up
in Anxiety Hills.
> I
> absolutely guarantee it.
>
>Who am I:
Mike: [singing] Two-four-six-oh-one!
> TAF(Tellafriend) is an organization
> whose purpose is to alert a friend of
> quality services
Crow: Read: scam.
> available. All services
> have been tested extensively
Tom: On laboratory animals.
Crow: [scientist] Rats cannot drink more than 5 gallons of water
before they explode.
> and come
> with an absolute money back guarantee.
>
>My promise: If you use my service you will tell a
> friend "what a great service."
Mike: Is that before or after the expletives have been deleted?
>
>Mass posting: Absolutely necessary. I apologize -
> flame me if you like
Crow: Yes! Yes! Open season!
> and I will explain
> rationale.
Mike: I have none. There, that wasn't so hard, was it?
>
>Because: I am bringing service awareness via
> internet vs outdated avenues such as
Mike: The Pony Express.
Crow: Carrier pigeons.
Tom: Semaphore flags.
> newspaper, radio and soon to be
> television. I am able to save netters a
> minimum of 30% right off the top.
Tom: A little off the ears, and no sideburns.
> And
> because of the volume, I am able to offer
> free special gifts in addition to the
> discounts.
>
>Discount 5%: If you order within 5 days please take an
> additional 5% off the already pocket
> change price of $49.95.
Tom: $49.95 in pocket change would rip a hole in your pants.
Crow: Is that $49.95 in pocket change or are you just glad to see
me?
>
>Additional
>discount 5%: If you order by snail mail to help
> prevent data overload. Thanks.
>
>
>Make check
>payable to:
Mike: Me, Al Franken.
> TAF
>Address: 19201 Rd 15, Pioneer, OH 43554
>My fax: 419 737 2364
>My phone: 419 737 2352
>
>Order blank:
Mike: Why, yes it is.
> Name: Last First
>
>UPSable address:
Tom: I'm sick of all this one-UPSmanship.
>
>
>City
Mike: Of Angels.
> State
Tom: Of confusion.
> Zip
Crow: -py the Pinhead.
>
>Phone
Mike: Home, E.T.
>
>Voice mail
>
>Fax
Tom: Just the fax, ma'am.
>
>Email
>
>Visa MC
Crow: Escher.
> AMX
Mike: The Movie Channel.
>
>Card number
>
>Signature
Tom: My newsreader doesn't support one.
>
>Expiration date
>
>check
Crow: Republic.
>
>Money Order
>
>COD
Mike: Piece.
>
>Shipping: Included except for COD
>
>Thank you in advance for your faith in me.
All: Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
Tom: Build a bridge out of =D4em!
>
>Sincerely, the president of your fan club.
>
>
>Bob
All: Bob!?
>
>
>P.S. Orders have overwhelmed mail box. Please download and use
>snail mail to prevent data loss
Mike: And be sure to include small, untraceable bills.
> and watch for our home page
>coming soon.
Crow: There's no place like home page, there's no place like home
page...
>
>Thanks Tellafriend
Tom: For making us laugh at Spam again.
>
>
------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>I will conquer you
Crow: You will bow down before me Jor-El!
>
>From: Winifre...@telos.org (Winifred Barton)
>Date: 28 Feb 95 11:22:33 -0500
>Organization: TELOS Communications Inc.
>Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors
------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>THE MESSIANIC AGE IS COME! Whatever you do;
Mike: Don't touch that dial!
> Whenever you have
>time to spare: Wherever you are located; Whoever you are - that
>is to say regardless of age, sex, creed, colour,
Tom: Oh, she's a limey.
> physical
>condition, finances, education, nationality; if you are willing
>to serve the Cosmic King,
Tom: Whaddya know! Elvis *is* an alien!
> this is your call to active service in
>the Upper Kingdom of Light Beings. .
Crow: Your Cosmic Lottery Number has come up.
Mike: Hasn't Outer Space abolished the draft?
>
>We are the AGENTS OF CHANGE,
Crow: Is that like the MAN from UNCLE?
> the Army of Light that will save the
>world. We serve the Commonwealth of Man. Earth is the "Holy City"
>and all may enter in.
Tom: That's good, considering THEY'RE ALREADY THERE!
> We are the living link in the "Golden
>Chain of Hermes" that reaches across dimensions.
>
>Klaatu
Crow: Barados nikto.
> and fellow Star Beings - we will need a M.O.P Chart :-
>
>M stands for MOTIVATION.
Tom: I think. I don't really care.
> If our motivation is right - focussed
>on healing the Whole Earth and working for the mutual benefit of
>ALL,
Crow: Ahhhhh! It's the Planeteers!
All: [scream at the horror that is Captain Planet and the
Planeteers]
> we are in the right place at the right time.
>
>O stands for ORIENTATION.
Crow: *Sexual* orientation.
> The web is great for this once we sort
>out the reality from the illusion.
Mike: Help! We're in a Stoppard play!
>
>P is for PROPORTION. We need a sense of balance: respect for
>fellows: No judgement or "Holier than thou" attitude towards our
>fellow men.
Tom: By the way, did I mention I'm a member of the Army of Light
come to save your world?
>
>If our MOP is OK we can
Mike: WAX the FLOORS.
> become a functioning Crown Agent in the
>MESSIANIC FORCES: a direct representative of the Army of Light.
>For this we need to know the basics of the COSMIC CONVERSION
>SYSTEM that will transform the old world into the New World.
Tom: Ohhhhh, I get it. They want us to switch to metric.
>
>We deal in two kinds of elements - Spirit and Matter. Light and
>darkness, energy and dust. The elements are measured in units
>called PIXELS & MOLECULES. A Pixel is a Spiritual Light Unit;
Mike: It's the Ghost in the Cathode Ray Tube.
>a Molecule is a material unit. Our Spiritual Body is made up of
>pixels, your physical body is made up of molecules.
>
>Our Spiritual Body is infinite - we call it the spiritual aura.
>It is composed of millions of pixels - of every shade and colour.
Mike: So you're saying my soul has 32 bit graphics?
>These have been fed by the knowledge we have gathered from this
>worldly environment. This is our REAL ETERNAL self.
>
>The molecular body is subject to time and decay. It has been the
>vehicle whereby we have "gathered pixels while we may."
Tom: Is that Frost?
Mike: No, I think it's one of them there War Poets.
> We (The
>Light Beings)
All: Of the United States of America...
> come here to learn about the good things and the
>bad things in life. Knowing g "good and evil"
Tom: With Terry Garr.
> is how our mind
>matures. We see how the "cave men" dominated by their god Mammon,
Crow: Dark Lord of Hooters.
>operate in the Lower Regions. We were once like them but now we
>have completed our Cosmic Changeover Circuit.
>
>We the become one with The Light.
Tom: Become towards the Light.
> MESSIANIC AGE beings living
>here on earth in the flesh. An Agent of Change works on specific
>ASSIGNMENTS & TARGETS in conjunction with his/her Starships'
>specific mission in the Galactic Fleet. One goal is to multiply
Tom: [deep announcer voice] They've come from the ends of the
Galaxy to perform basic algebra. It's Math 9 from Outer Space!
>the LIGHT PIXELS within our orbit. In this way we can create a
>tidal wave of light.
>
>In 1973 I became a member of THE GALACTIC FEDERATION OF LIGHT
>FORCES.
Mike: After they let me out of the institution for having shell
shock.
> It is composed of biomutants - mainly UFO contactees and
>abductees. We are the people of Earth's future - past.
Crow: Is that like Heinlein's Future History?
> We are the
>Arc of the Covenant
Tom: Don't look at the Arc, Marion!
Mike: That was too easy.
> completed at this the "coming forth by day."
>
>Each member of the Galactic Federation is the Captain of his/her
>personal Starship.
Tom: Waaaaaaatchcry!
Mike: [singing] I am the Captain of my Starship and the master
of my fate.
> There is an inner radio - and once we get the
>signal to noise ratio properly set we
Crow: Can listen to Larry King's interview with Marlon Brando.
Tom: [Brando] Larry, I want you to get down on your knees and
give my big toe a tongue massage.
> bacome part of the Cosmic
>Fleet. A single "Motherboard" holds the fleet heading towards the
>Unified Field.
>
>The smart novice Star Fleet Officer has 20/20 vision
Tom: Good vision=3Dintelligence.
> - one eye on
>his own flight path - the other eye on the flight path of the
>fleet. No Star Fleet Officer serves ego. Ego is the Father of
>carnal appetites-
Mike: I thought that was the Id.
Crow: The Wizard of Id?
> the Mammon connection.
Tom: A Robert Ludlum novel.
> This energy, once
>converted, is how we heal the earth. It is the move from serving
>Anti-Ante Christ to our own Christhood.
Mike: [poker dealer] The game is 5 card draw; everybody Ante
Christ up.
>
>A huge contingent of Star Fleet Officers has been aligned for the
>final battle. In 1995 it will come forth in its awesome
>totality.
Mike: We're expecting a big turnout this year for the Armageddon.
>
>Our SONAR INTELLIGENCE is guiding us to victory. Unlike people in
>the lower kingdom we do not need $$$
Tom: Robert McElwaine?
Crow: No thanks.
> or goods so much as we need
>our MOLECULES & PIXELS (minds;soul and strength) transferred
>from focus in the lower kingdom to the Upper Kingdom.
Tom: The Magic Kingdom.
Mike: Wild Kingdom.
Crow: The Undersea Kingdom.
All: [singing] Hey! It's the Undersea Kingdom...
> This
>conversion system is contained in THE COSMIC CUBE.
Tom: I thought Einstein said God doesn't play dice with the
universe.
Crow: [God] Come on baby, mother Mary needs a new pair of shoes.
>
>We are the Children of Israel - now coming forth from the House
>of Carnal Bondage into the
Mike: Split-level of Lusting Fetishes.
> PROMISED LAND. Our immediate task is
>to bring in the MESSIANIC AGE with Military Precision.
Tom: Waco, anyone?
> The Cosmic
>Cube is a living entity in the process of moving from thought to
>manifestation. We are One in Spirit - but
Mike: Many in Goofiness.
> highly diverse in
>molecular structure and pixel structure. L.O.V.E. - Winifred.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Crow: We'll just wait here then?
>
>
>
>
>
>
Mike: Veteran minimalist Winifred on keyboard.
>
>
>
>
------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom: Come on, lets go.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[Crow and Tom are gathered around a Easy Bake Oven]
Tom: I think it's ready. Get Mike.
Crow: Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike!
Mike: [running on] What?
Crow: Get our super duper really cool ultimate genetic design out
of the oven.
[Mike opens the oven and pulls out a petri dish. He sets it down on the
desk. Once he does so, there is a big explosion and a cloud of smoke.
When it clears, there on the table is...]
Pauly Shore: Whoa, man, like, where am I?
All: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: They tampered in God's domain.
\ | /
\ | /
---0---
/ | \
/ | \
fwshhhh
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, and
merchandise are copyright 1994 Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing is not
authorized, endorsed, or supported by anyone. It is not intended as an
attack on anyone's beliefs. This article may be freely distributed as
long as this notice remains intact.
MiSTed by Chris Mayfield, camf...@iastate.edu
>It's literally a road map to a personal emotional comfort level
>obtained by few.