MiSTing: ABYSS Posts [1/2]
Chris Mayfield
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. Papers, papers everywhere, nor any drop to drink. Mike and
the bots are looking over them]
Mike: Hi, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I=D5m Mike Nelson, and
me and the boys were just helping Dr. Forrester by going over all
the applications for the open position in Deep 13.
Crow: I don=D5t get it Mike. Why would all these people want to
work for Dr. Forrester?
Mike: I don=D5t know. What=D5s the ad say? [picks up newspaper and
reads] Wanted, spineless loser to be flunky and guinea pig.
Must be willing to die. High pain tolerance preferred but not
required. [stops reading] Doesn=D5t sound to appetizing.
Tom: [leans over] Wait, there=D5s more: Science Majors Welcome.
All: Ohhhhhhhhh.
[commercial sign. Comedy Central reminds you, when life gives you
lemons, make O.J.]
[Back on SOL. Applications are gone.]
Crow: So what was your major, Mike?
Mike: I was a music major.
Crow: And that=D5s why you were working for Happy Temps shuffling
boxes?
Tom: Look, Hans Solo is calling.
[Deep 13. Piles of expensive merchandise everywhere. Dr. F is in
a satin lab coat with fur trim.]
Dr. F: Hello there, Beany Weenie. I=D5ve finally accepted that
Frank is gone and not coming back. But I=D5ve decided to get on
with my life, take Frank=D5s Ascension as a positive thing. In
fact, I decided to buy me something pretty. You see, while Frank
may have expired, his credit cards haven=D5t. And while Valhalla
may not take American Express, Saks does.
As for you, I have a little bit of puss pudding from rec.arts.
comics.xbooks. I=D5ve had to do a little editing, but I think
you=D5ll find it painful. He has worse spelling than Ratliff and
is less intelligible than McElwaine. Gentlemen, prepare to
enter the ABYSS!
[SOL. Chaos.]
All: We=D5ve got post sign!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
>From: ABYSS <bio...@bayou.uh.edu>
>Date: 27 Mar 1995 18:54:05 GMT
>Organization: University of Houston
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.xbooks
Crow: Wow! Finally they send us something good!
Mike: I think they mean xbooks as in X-men comics.
>
>*STUpid stupid stupid
Tom: What a coincidence. That=D5s what we think.
> Damask is NC's foster mother*
>
>This is the Dumbest thing I have ever heard!
Mike: What, this post?
>Gabby is NC's mother
Crow: She gave birth to North Carolina? That must have been one
painful labor.
> for Chrissakes Damasks is NC's foster mother
>in the normal timeline. I have already posted this once
>
>ABYSS: he who reigns forever; Reigns like bad weather! and is
>way tooo
Crow: That=D5s two =D4o=D5s
> big for his britches!
>
>*Shadow if I reach you I would hurt you*
>
>Dumb Dumb Dumb!
Mike: And Dumber Dumber Dumber.
>
>Gabby never had any latent mutant powers
Tom: Someone thinks that Gabby Hayes has mutant powers?
Crow: The implications of that are frightning.
> and for the last time
>Rex is Comcast.
Mike: Wednesdays this fall on NBC! Watch us, please!
>
>*NIGHTCRAWLERS Father IS ... read this*
Crow: And the Father goes to...Nightcrawler!
Mike and Tom: [cheering and clapping]
>
>In X-men Unlimited number five I believe. it was revealed that
>night crawlers father was some rich gentelman in Gemmany
Mike: Hey baby, what=D5s your sign? I=D5m a Gemmany.
Tom: [giggly falsetto] I=D5m a Torus.
> a count
>mabe. but I think Mystique killed him. Haven't read it for a
>while. But ther is a rumar that
Tom: Im akshully a colleje studint.
> Mystique and Nightcrawler might
>be brother and sister!
>
>*Pokky hates telepaths*
>
>The only thing that I can think
Crow: That=D5s a bit of an overstatement.
> of is that Pokky hates telepaths
>and cut out part of their brains for the brain trust .
Tom: I=D5d like to deposit this corpus callosum.
> As for
>Braddock I'm not sure but i think hes working for someone mabe
>even Pokky? Wheres
Mike: An apostrophe when you need one?
> his sister Psyloke anyway? readon
Tom: If inane posts be the food of love, read read on.
>ABYSS: he who reigns forever reigns like badweather....
>
>*Re: Pokky hates telepaths*
Tom: Pokky=D5s steamin=D5 mad at psionics.
>Hello Blaze
Mike: Helloooo...
Crow: Helloooo...
Tom: Helloooo...
All: Hello!
> What is Apocalypse always saying "Survival of the fittest"
>He wants a war!
Mike: But hey, who doesn=D5t?
Bots: [singing] You say you want a revolution.
> In X-men Alpha
Mike: [hushed tones bespeaking the grandeur of the scene] The
alpha x-male approaches the herd.
> he says "What care I for
Tom: Convoluted sentence structure.
> the
>masses blah blah blah
Mike: [singing] Blah blah blah face, blah blah blah eyes...
> the fittest will survive and form
Tom: Dreamworks SKG!
> the army
>of tomorrow! Holocost doesn't care anything about survival of
>the fittest read Astonishing three
Mike: Amazing five!
Tom: Astounding nine!
Crow: Moderately Interesting four and two thirds!
> and two very closely and
>you'll see what I'm saying! Holocost wants everybody out.
Mike: [Holocaust] C=D5mon guys! My parents are gonna get back any
minute now!
> If
>you don't believe me reRead Stryfes strike file
Crow: What about Stryfe=D5s killfile?
> but you and most
>of the people with ludicrus hypothetsis don't read back issues!!!
Tom: Coming soon, Abyss as Backissue Boy!
>
>ABYSS: he who reigns forever; reigns like bad weather; and is way
>too big for his britches!
>
>*Yo Blaze*
Tom: [Rocky] Yo Blaze!
>Blaze why are you constantly criticizing my posts when you know
>that I'm right!
>
>Get lost! Go! Leave! Get somewhere
Mike: This is what would happen if four year olds took over the
McLaughlin Group.
Crow: Stupid conservative poopie-pants!
Tom: Newt! Newt! Newt! I can=D5t hear you! Newt! Newt! Newt!
>
>You're just a flea and I'm the big dog! I'll scratch you off my
>balls with my paws!
Tom: [whistles and bells]
Crow: [klaxon]
Mike: [Scottish] Sir, th=D5 immaturity readin=D5s are off th=D5 scale!
>
>Now get somewhere buster-B!
>
>*Someone slap whoever started this legion Gabby Rex crap*
Tom: He=D5s a poet and don=D5t know it.
Crow: Wait! He started it! That means we can hit him!
>Are you people on crack Gabby is legions mother of course he
>didn't rape her.
Mike: Let us reflect on the simple beauty of punctuation.
> he just took her out of the picture This is
>marvel for Chrissakes!
Tom: Thou shalt not take the author=D5s name in vain.
Mike: Huh?
> Dumb dumb dumb. Rex is definately not
>there son and legion is not Res
Tom: No, he=D5s Rex
Crow: No. Rex is Comcast.
Mike: So is Legion Comcast?
All: Read the book.
> read the back issues folks!!!!
Tom: Yeah, or that too.
>I am nineteen
Tom: Months.
Mike: [singing] I am nineteen, going on twelve.
> excuse me but I get just a little agravated at
>stupidity and I can't tolerate ignorance!
Tom: Which is why I have decided to take my own life.
Crow: Yea!!
Mike: Stop it you guys!
>Legion did not I repeat DID NOT rape his mother mainly because
>Marvel would not have an incestuos rape in one of their
>mainstream comics!
Tom: What about an incestuous one?
> 'Nuff said!
>
>ABYSS: He who reigns forever; reigns like bad weather; and is way
>too big for his britches!
>
>*Re: Well... Abyss had potential....*
Mike: But then he was converted into kinetic energy.
Crow: I see Abyss as pure energy--plucky pure energy.
>
>KJ : I'm sure you were new to this once too, so kindly quit the
>flea circus that has currently found its way into my pants.
Crow: He=D5s that guy from Wild at Heart!
Mike: Weren=D5t those cockroaches?
Tom: Maybe he=D5s Studebaker Hawk?
>
>*Re:Yo Merry Mutant*
>
>What I'm saying is Marvel would not cover the subject of rape in
>one of their mainstream comics
Mike: What about one of their tributary comics?
> especially an incestuous rape in
>their biggest mainstream comic!! The idea of it is ludicrous!
>Yes I AM a feminist too. Plus I AM a strait guy so go figure! I
>am the historian of my Universitys chapter of NOW
Crow: Wow! A staight man *and* a member of NOW! This guy
shatters all my stereotypes!
>*PLAINN AND SIMPLE
Tom: I can=D5t spell.
> ABYSS=3DCLOAK*
>
>ABYSS AND CLOAK both have the same powers besides an endless
>dimensional void in their bodies.
Mike: Grocery bills are hell.
> they both can psionically
>torture people who they put into their bodies ie: Cloak tortured
>Screech during Maximum carnage and Abyss tortured some humans in
>Astonishing one and two! I dont't
Tom: Dont=D5t? *Dont=D5t*?
Mike: Maybe he means =D2don=D5t not.=D3
> have to tell you this if you
>read back issues! No offense true believers!
>
>ABYSS: he who reigns forever; reigns like bad weather; and is way
>too big for his britches!
>
>*Re: ABYSS: read this. Everyone else read this too.*
>
>Okay Kate you are correct.
Tom: [laughing] Heh, heh. You are correct Kate!
> Gimme a break so I'm new to posting.
Crow: And the English language.
>I may get a little excited and possesive about the X-books It is
>nice to see that someone reads as many back issues as I do to get
>the whole picture. The only reason that I called someone a moron
>was to call attention to my post. i apoligize to anyone offended
>by it.
Mike: I didn=D5t mean to offend you when I insulted your
intellegence.
> Don't take it personally it was just a post.
Tom: And ignore that stuff about your mother and ferrets.
> I still
>firmly believe that Marvel would not have Legion rape his mother!
>And I feel confident that after they clear it up I will stand
>correct. And as childish as it may be I will post a huge freakin'
>I told you so.
Mike: Abyss act childish? That=D5s a bit of a stretch.
> So for now I will sit back and enjoy the ride
>that the writers decide to take us on. I throughly enjoy
>participating in RACX and communicating with all the other X-
>maniacs!
Crow: [singing] He=D5s an X-maniac, X-maniac! Oh oh ohhoh.
Mike: And he=D5s typing like he=D5s never typed before.
>ABYSS : he who reigns forever; reigns like bad weather; and is
>way to big for his britches.
>
>*Re: PLAINN AND SIMPLE ABYSS=3DCLOAK*
Tom: Seen it.
Crow: Done it.
Mike: Loathed it.
>
>Well Damask may not be a mutant either and she is leader of the
>Pale Riders! Margalli is a sorceress or something in our
>timeline. Shefollows some path to power and enlightenment.
Crow: I think it=D5s Route 66.
> Well
>anyway do you remember the mutant misadventures of Cloak and
>Dagger? They were funcionally mutants;
Mike: They were anatomically correct and everything!
> I guess Marvel wanted to
>write him in. There was also someother guy in the marvel
>universe with similar powers to Cloak. I am currently researching
>his identity.
Tom: This is where our college research funding goes?
Mike: Sad, really.
>
>*I'm here to stay so fleas quit bitting!*
Crow: How about if they byte?
Tom and Mike: [groan]
>
>Now will all of you fleas please get off my balls. If you don't
>like my hypotheses then reply to them intelligently if at all
>possible. Don't attack me personally; it is tres childish.
Mike: I already told you that *my* personal attacks weren=D5t
personal.
>Yes, I admit to being guilty of this also,but hey thats what
>happens when I get aggravated at the sheer stupidity in some of
>these posts.
Crow: Yeah. Who is this idiot Aby--oops.
> If they are stupid then they are stupid. You can't
>pour syrup on dung and call it pancakes.
Crow: [whistles] No dung.
Tom: I think the school lunch reform has gone too far.
> But just get off of my
>tip. Now I know what it is like to have a case of crabs.
Mike: But I=D5m getting off topic.
> So
>what if I have a high opinion of myself and stand adamant in my
>beliefs.
Tom: I don=D5t believe in question marks.
> I could cite any of them but does anyone else bring
>their back issue box to the computer lab?
Mike: No. We have lives.
> Didn't think so.
>Don't even think you have what it takes to put me down. You have
>to be above me to do that and none of you are above me. Equal?
Tom: No thanks. Do you have any Neutrasweet?
>Sure! But noone is above me. Someone can only put you down if
>they are above you ; so you must be trying to pull me down, or
>push me down.
Mike: If they=D5re pushing him down, that means they=D5re above him.
Tom: One celled animals are above this guy.
> You obviously can't handle the latter because I
>push back!
Crow: [Jack Nicholson] You can=D5t handle the latter!
> Now will you just post your comic posts and get out
>of my pants.
>
>ABYYS:
Mike: Would it be petty to remark that, after his brilliant
speech about how no one is better than him, he misspelled his own
name?
Crow: Yes.
Mike: Ok. I won=D5t then.
> He who reigns FOREVER; Reigns like bad weather and is way
>too big for his currently flea filled britches
Tom: The itching, the burning. Try napalm.
>
>*One of the Bedlam Bros. may be in the Helfire Club!!!!!*
>
>In X-Men #29 we are introduced to an angry black mutant in the
>Helfire club
Crow: I am the god of Hellfire Club, and I bring you...
> who resembles one of the Bedlam brothers. This
>mutant also appears at the Helfires club party in the X-force
>crossover with the New Warriors
Mike: The John Birch Society?
> not to long ago. I think it as in
>the first New Warriors issue of the crossover!
>
>*Where are Candra and Gidieon and the other Externals?*
Tom: [Norwegian] Oh, der outside playin=D5 in da yard. It=D5s such
a lovely day, ya know.
>
>In one of the X-books it says that Holocost slew Candra during
>the ascensions. But Candra is an external; she should have
>lived. If so wher is she and the other externals such as Gidieon
>and Saul. Cannonball works in the pens. But that is it.
>
>ABYSS : he who reigns forever; reigns like bad weather; and is
>way too big for his britches!
>
>*Death is Selene the Black Queen*
Tom: I thought that was Rupaul.
>
>Selene is Death in AoA. I figured that out bye
Crow: Bye.
[all get up to leave]
Tom: Uh, wait, I think it goes on.
[all sit down dejectedly]
> checking there
>powers, and the fact that Selene like Apocalypse is an External!
>
>ABYSS: he who reigns forever; reigns like bad weather; and is
>way too big for his britches!
[continued in part 2]