MSTed: VOTE FRAUD! DO YOU THINK YOUR VOTE COUNTS???
M Sampo
[SOL: Mike, Tom, Crow and Gypsy are gathered around a phone on the
counter]
Mike: Hi, folks, Mike Nelson here. Gypsy, Crow and Tom Servo there.
Gypsy: Hi, kids.
Crow: 'sup?
Tom: Yeah, yeah, hi. Hurry up, Mike, I'm starved!
Gypsy: Me, too.
Mike [to the bots]: Okay, okay. [To the camera] Lemme fill ya in here: Dr
F. and TV's Frank have finally given in and said that if we order a pizza,
they'll send it up through the umbilicus.
Crow: Yes!
Mike: Now all we have to do is figure out what we want on it. Now I've
always been a big pepperoni guy myself. How does pepperoni sound to
everybody, huh?
Tom: Pepperoni gives me gas. How about sausage?
Mike: Well, sure I don't mind--
Crow: Sausage?! Yuck. Too greasy. What do you say to some nice Canadian
bacon? Hmm? Yum.
Tom: Say, that's sound pretty good!
Mike: Sure, I'll go for--
Gyspy: No meat.
Mike, Tom and Crow: Huh?
Gypsy: No meat. I don't eat meat.
Tom [incredulous, to Mike]: Gypsy's a veggan?
Mike: I didn't know, I--
Gypsy: Meat is murder, guys.
Crow: Oh, brother.
Tom: Ouch. Kinda harsh, there, Gyps.
Mike [trying to move on]: Allllrrrgiiighty then...how about mushrooms?
Gypsy: Ooh, I LOVE them!
Crow: Yeah, they're good...
Tom: Um...how about just on half? And olives on the other half?
Mike: I hate olives...
(Tom, Crow and Gypsy groan, then continue to argue amongst themselves)
Mike: Well, I can see this is going to take a while...
[commercial sign light flashes]
Mike: We'll be right back...
[commercial]
[Fade in on SOL following commercial]
Mike [holding a pad and pencil]: Ooohhhkay...we've got one large pizza,
half mushrooms and olives, half green peppers and broccoli. Everybody
happy?
Tom: Yup!
Crow: Definitely!
Gypsy: Um...could we get a whole wheat crust? [Tom & Crow groan]
Crow: I-I-I'm starting to feel more like a sandwich...
Tom: Maybe a stromboli!
Crow: Ooohhh!
[Deep 13 light flashes on panel]
Mike: A stromboli?! I don't--oh, look: Sacco & Vanzetti are calling.
[pushes button]
[DEEP 13]
[Dr. F leers into the camera lens, he seems very pleased about
something--behind him we can see Deep 13 is draped in party decorations]
Dr. F: Ah! Mel! Bot-kins! So happy you could come my little victory party.
Make yourselves comfortable! The first returns should be pouring in
shortly!
[SOL]
Mike (confused): Returns? You mean like in an election?
[DEEP 13]
Dr. F: Of course! Seems our local Congressman's a bit vulnerable this time
around--something about teenaged girls and a murder-suicide pact--I didn't
get the details. Anyway, the opposition party saw a chance to take the
seat away from him, and so they looked around the distict for a prominent
resident to run against him. Naturally, their search could only lead one
place: MOI! (laughs evilly). Yes, being in Congress will give me all sorts
of new avenues for evil--and there's hefty per diem!
[SOL]
Crow: Dr Forester's running for Congress?
Tom (muttering): Actually, he might be just the thing that district
needs...
Gypsy, Crow and Mike: TOM!!
Tom (sputtering, realizing he was thinking out loud): What?? Oh! I
mean--Dr. F? In Congress? Terrible!
Mike: That's more like it.
Crow & Gypsy: Yeah.
Mike: Anyway, Dr. Forester, I'm almost afraid to ask which party
affiliation you're running under...
[DEEP 13]
Dr. F (looks irritated, sighs): Mike, Mike, Mike. All this time under my
control, and you STILL don't get it...(shouting) TAKE A WILD GUESS, YA
NINNY!! Now where did I put that picture of Newt...? [Frank enters,
carrying a box full of papers]
Frank: Well, I got the ballots just like you told me to. Should I start
marking them with your name?
Dr. F: Exactly, Frank, and use different colored pens so--(realizes we are
watching)--FRANK! Ix-nay on the allot-bay's! (Stepping in front of them,
leaining into the camera again) Well, you uncovered my little scheme to
ensure my victory, so now I'm going to have to hurt you: it's a noisome
little gallstone of a posting from the half-cocked folks at alt.conspiracy
about vote fraud. Er...not that those amateurs have anything to teach me!
[to Frank] Different pens, Frank! Different pens! [to camera, with a
sneer] The latest poll predicts deep, deep pain for you, Nelson. Take a
big bite. [looks evilly into the camera and pushes button]
[SOL]
[Lights flashing, buzzer sounding]
Mike, Tom and Crow: AAAAAHHH!! WE HAVE POSTING SIGN!!!!! [they rush off]
Crow [as he is leaving]: What about our pizza???!!!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[and they are taking their seats in the theater]
Mike [murmuring as he puts Tom down]: I was really looking forward to that
pizza...
>Subject: VOTE FRAUD! DO YOU THINK YOUR VOTE COUNTS???
Crow: Only to 10, Mudhead.
Tom: Golly, Porgy!
>From: dga...@banished.com
Tom: Dan Gannon??? AIIEEEEE!!!
Mike: A company called Banished?
Crow: Is that anything like a radio station called Frank?
>Date: Tue, 08 Nov 94 08:39:36
>Message-ID: <941108083...@banished.com>
>The shocking fact is that YOUR VOTE DOES NOT COUNT!
Crow: Well, that'll teach you to vote libertarian.
Tom: Ouch!
>America's vote has been subjected to media- and government-sponsored
theft
>for almost three decades.
Mike: But that 1960 election--that was clean as a whistle.
> Our vote is stolen from us by a
monolithic media
>conglomerate known as the NES
Tom, Crow and Mike: NINTENDO??
> ("NEWS ELECTION
SERVICE").
Tom, Crow and Mike: Oh.
>They alone decide how America's votes are counted, and by whom they are
>counted.
Crow: Next year: The Statler Brothers count them in base 6!
>How the results are verified and delivered to the public is, as they say,
Tom: Boring.
>"NOT A PROPER AREA OF INQUIRY."
Mike: Hardhats, only.
>This same ring of powerful, unaccountable media masters also constitutes
the
>VRS
Tom: I prefer beta.
> (VOTER RESEARCH AND SURVEYS), which conducts the so-called "exit
>polls". Between NES and VRS,
Crow: --lies obsession.
> the media networks have
TOTAL CONTROL OF
>THE VOTE-COUNTING PROCESS IN THIS COUNTRY.
Crow: Ow!
Mike: We can hear you, okay?
Tom: Although it's no picnic.
>By means of the NES (an unofficial, private corporation),
Tom: Wow! That's my favorite kind!!
>
the Establishment
>media has actual physical control of the counting and dissemination of
the
>vote,
Crow: Whereas I only have mental control.
> and it refuses to let the public know how it is done.
Tom: Well, you see, when a candidate and a voter love each other very
much...
> The secretive
NES
>is a consortium of the three major television networks: ABC, NBC
Mike: and the Cartoon Network.
Tom: Oooh! I love Space Ghost!
>
and CBS,
>plus the Associated Press wire service, CNN, the New York TIMES, the
>Washington POST and other news-gathering organizations.
Mike: All of whom clearly have a great deal to gain by making sure Newt
Gingrich is in power.
Crow: A nice, small group--no way word of this could leak out.
Tom: And at the heart of the conspiracy...The Hooterville Trumpeter!
>PHYSICAL AND VIDEOTAPE PROOF OF ELECTION FRAUD AND RELATED
>FELONIES AROUND THE COUNTRY
Mike: Cut that out!
Tom: Now my ears are ringing again!
> -- perpetrated
primarily by the NES and the
>League of Women Voters
Mike, Crow and Tom: GASP!!
Crow: Grandma! No!!
> -- has been collected. The
desperate campaign to
>suppress this information and prevent justice from being done is truly
phenomenal.
Mike: It's fantastic, fantastic.
>The sordid list of guilty players in this campaign includes JANET RENO,
who
>is now Attorney General of the United States.
Tom: But who was once my lover when we both lived on the planet Neptune.
>The vote fraud is carried out with the DIRECT KNOWLEDGE AND CONSENT of
>corrupt federal bureaucrats,
Crow: A group well-known for keeping secrets and getting things done.
Tom: Isn't the phrase "corrupt federal bureaucrats" redundant?
Mike: First he complains there is no government oversight, then he says
the government knows all about it! Which is it, dickweed?
Tom: Mike, honey, don't go in too deep...
> government regulatory
officials whose
>responsibility it is to fight vote fraud,
Mike: Like the Forestry Commission.
> and phony "watchdog
groups" like
>the League of Women Voters.
Tom: Oh, I think that's a bit harsh. Some of the gals at the League are
quite attractive!
>The national press, being the main perpetrators of vote fraud,
Crow: And every reporter and editor in the country being of one mind on
every issue...
>
adamantly
>refuses to print or air the facts and evidence relating to this crisis.
Mike: Plus, they told me I look silly in my "Election Man" suit...
>Individual journalists have tried in vain to sound the alarm, and were
>forcibly silenced.
Crow: By being made to watch "Madman of the People."
>Following is an excerpt from a 1980 report
Tom: Oh, great! [laughs] This just in! Sheesh!
>
commissioned by the CIA,
Crow: So you KNOW it's legit...
>conducted by the CIA-linked Air Command and Staff College
Crow: Junior Bird Man Division
Tom: That's my alma mater! Ah, those were the days...
>
in cooperation
>with the University of New Mexico.
Mike: Well, actually, a guy who lives near there.
> It was published in
the INTERNATIONAL
>JOURNAL OF PUBLIC ADMINISTRATION.
Tom: It's six pages after that nudie centerfold of Donna Shalala.
>"The United States government has no elections office and does not
attempt to
>administer congressional elections.
Crow: Congressional erections, on the other hand...
Mike and Tom: CROW!!
Crow: Sorry...
>The responsibility for the administration of elections and certification
of
>winners in the United States national election rests with a consortium of
>private entities, including 111,000 members of the national League of
Women Voters.
Tom: None of whom would go out with me, those stuck-up bitches...
Mike and Crow: TOM!!
Tom: Sorry...
>The formal structure of election administration in the United States is
not
>capable of providing the major TV networks with timely results of the
>presidential and congressional elections.
Mike: Thus giving David Brinkley time to ramble on about Thomas Dewey or
something.
>In the case of counting actual ballots on national election night, public
>officials have abdicated responsibility of aggregation of election night
vote
>totals to a private organization,
Crow: The Wham-O Corporation. Nobody knows why...
>News Election Service of New York (NES). NES is a wholly-owned subsidiary
>joint-venture of national television networks ABC, CBS and NBC and the
press
>wire-services of AP and UPI.
Mike: And as a result, only one party has won all the national elections
in the last 30 years...wait, no, that's not right...
>THIS PRIVATE ORGANIZATION PERFORMS WITHOUT A CONTRACT;
>WITHOUT SUPERVISION BY PUBLIC OFFICIALS.
Crow: AND WITHOUT CONCERN FOR PEOPLE'S EARDRUMS!
Tom: Hey, what happened to the corrupt bureaucrats??
>
IT MAKES DECISIONS
>CONCERNING ITS DUTIES ACCORDING TO ITS OWN CRITERIA.
Mike: But at least they do it quietly! Ow!
>THE QUESTION AND ACCOUNTABILITY OF NEWS ELECTION SERVICE
>HAS NOT ARISEN IN THE NATION'S PRESS BECAUSE THE RESPONSIBILITY
>NES NOW HAS IN COUNTING THE NATION'S VOTES
Tom: He's starting to get blue in the face...
>
WAS ASSUMED
>GRADUALLY OVER A LENGTHY PERIOD WITHOUT EVER BEING EVALUATED
>AS AN ITEM ON THE PUBLIC AGENDA." [Portion capitalized for emphasis.]
Crow: No!! Really??
Mike: Those fools at The International Journal of Public Administration
simply REFUSED TO EVEN CONSIDER my suggestion of a special caps lock
edition.
>A recent book which blows the whistle on this scandal-of-all-scandals is
VOTESCAM:
>THE STEALING OF AMERICA,
Crow: Sequel to CAPSSCAM: THE DEAFENING OF AMERICA
> by James M. Collier and
Kenneth F. Collier,
Tom: The Collier Brothers--makers of fine-quality crack-brained
conspiracies for a generation...
>published by Victoria House Press.
Crow: Vanity publisher to America's loony tune fringe for over a century.
Mike: Oh, so this was all just to plug his buddy's book?
>More information to follow!
Crow: As soon as I get back from my trip to the Land of Snow Fairies!
>-Dan Gannon
Tom: Let's get outta here while he's taking a bow. (They rise and head
out.)
1.....2......3......4......5......6 (CLUNK)
[SOL]
Mike: Wait a minute, wasn't Dan Gannon the guy in "Vega$"?
Crow: That was Dan Tanna. Dan Gannon was Joe Friday's partner in
"Dragnet."
Tom: That was Frank Gannon! Maybe Dano's full name on Hawaii Five-0 was...
Mike [interrupting]: Uh, I don't think so, honey. Still, he sure blew the
lid off the whole "The League of Women Voters won't let me watch so they
must be up to something" conspiracy, huh?
Crow: Along with the "the guys at the AP called security on me the last
time, so they're obviously in on it" scandal.
Tom: And of course the "I can't understand why the TV networks get so
irritated when I accuse them of sweeping vote-fraud" debacle.
[Deep 13 lights flash]
Mike: Oh, speaking of vote fraud, I wonder how Dr. F's vote count is
going. [Presses button]
[Deep 13]
[Frank and Dr. F. are watching TV, looking excited]
Voice on TV: And in the 13th District, with the 100 percent of the vote
in...
Frank: That's us!
Dr. F: Here it comes, Frank!
Voice on TV:...political newcomer Doctor Clayton Forrester has been
declared...[the Mads gasp in excitement]...one of the biggest losers in
state's history... [the Mads are crestfallen, Dr. F. begins to shake with
anger] ... with some 99 percent of the votes going to the incumbent,
despite his indictment in a sex scandal involving teenage girls who
reportedly enjoyed being spanked repeatedly on their firm, dewy-- [Dr. F.
absentmindedly switches off the set. Frank, who was mesmerized, snaps out
of it]
Frank: HEY! I was watching that!
Dr. F [ignoring him]: ...can't understand it, Frank! We stuffed the ballot
box! How could we lose at all, much less so badly?
[Doorbell rings.]
Dr. F [absently]: Get that, won't you, Frank?
[Frank goes to door, gets a telegram, comes back]
Frank: It's a telegram! Probably your opponent congratulating you on a
well-fought campaign. [Dr. F furiously rips it from Frank's hand and tears
it open.]
Dr. F [reading]: It's...oh my God, Frank...it's from The League of Women
Voters!! It says: "That'll teach you to mess with us, you creep. We decide
who gets elected in this country and don't you ever forget it."
Frank: Whoa! Sounds like SOMEBODY's PMSing big time!
Dr. F: No, Frank, you don't understand...I've finally met my match...an
organization more evil, more diabolical than I am!! [a faint smile runs
across his lips] I...I think I'm in love!
Frank [rolling his eyes, whispering to the camera]: Be afraid, be very
afraid... [reaches over and pushes button.]
{WOOSH}
Sampo
=======================================================
I've undergone a complex personal evolution wherein painful confusion has
given way to what I like to think of as some degree of wisdom, culminating
in my current Zarathustrian sense of self. Is that it?
=======================================================
Dave Van Domelen
Dave Van Domelen, Shalala nude? Ewwwwwwww....
Spatch
Well, at least he didn't blame everything on the Jews this time, or
say that the League of Women Voters perpetuate the Holocaust Hoax...
>
> Dave Van Domelen, Shalala nude? Ewwwwwwww....
What an awful name, Shalala Nude.
--
tv's Spatch, MD PhD PMS XYZ PDQ - Will make culinary references for food
This Green Card .sig is here to piss off Canter and Siegel.
"I am the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse. Think of me when you look to the
night sky." - Zorak (he's evil, you know) - SGC2C
Roger M. Wilcox
>
>>The sordid list of guilty players in this campaign includes JANET RENO,
>who
>>is now Attorney General of the United States.
>
>Tom: But who was once my lover when we both lived on the planet Neptune.
What's really scary (to me, at least) is that I actually met somebody like
this a couple of months ago. Although she was currently unemployed and
spent most of her time living in her parent's house in front of the TV,
she claimed she:
Had been engaged to senator Edward Kennedy for two years before he
dumped her because she was "bad for his image";
Had been asked out by O.J. Simpson;
Prophesied the 1987 (or was it 1989?) Loma Prieta earthquake;
Came up with the idea for th Hubble space telescope;
Was the first to bring a strange immune-disorder to the attention of
the CDC (the disease that was later named AIDS);
Discovered the first AIDS baby;
Had been at a party with Faye Whats-her-name that wrote the Nicole
Simpson autobiography the day Nicole was killed;
Wrote a letter to Bill Clinton asking for leniency on Michael Fay
[sp?], and then received a phone call from somebody who said "This is Fay"
and then hung up, so it was probably Michael Fay;
Was mentioned by that guy who confessed to the fact that O.J. had
murdered Nicole Simpson in a later part of the interview where he rambled
on about an affair he'd had (she was the "affair", although she claims that
he sexually assaulted her);
Was the high school friend of the woman Bo Diddley admitted to having
sexually assaulted because her friend and the woman Bo mentioned had the
same first name;
Wrote letters to Janet Reno and the FAA demanding that all airliners
should have four engines on the basis that that recent Halloween air disaster
involved a two-engine plane that had an engine fail, and for some reason these
people were ignoring her pleas; and
Prophesied something else I don't remember at the moment.
Ah, but I *knew* that not everything she said was true, because she claimed
that having HIV and having AIDS were exactly the same thing! Hah, got
her there.
--
Roger M. Wilcox rog...@cisco.com (a.k.a. tra...@netcom.com)
------------------- I'm not flying fast, just orbiting low. ----------------
"As of now I'm taking charge." -- Alexander Haig
"Megatron is down! I am your new leader!" -- Starscream