[MiSTied]: Death Of Usenet
Todd Gilbert
The following is my first attempt at MiSTing a usenet posting.
It's relatively short and not nearly as hideous as many that
have been MiSTed here, but I submit it for your consideration.
Since it is so short, I didn't attach opening and closing
skits. Besides, I only have one invention exchange in mind,
and I don't want to blow it so quickly.
All comments, whether good or bad, public or private,
floating or not floating, etc, are welcome.
Enjoy.
--------------
Subject: Death of Usenet?
References: <berlinerD...@netcom.com>
In article <berlinerD...@netcom.com>, berl...@netcom.com (Guy
Berliner) wrote:
TOM: Ich bin ein Berliner.
> This is an addendum to a longer essay I wrote
CROW: That The Mad's couldn't find! Wooohoo.
> entitled "Myths About
> Usenet."
MIKE: That's "Mizz about usenet", thank you.
> Both are right now at Netcom's ultra slow, ultra crowded
> ftp server (ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/be/berliner/Myths_About_Usenet.html)
TOM: The holidays are over, people. Go back to the mall!
> Will We Witness the Death Of Usenet?
MIKE: I think that would send us over-budget.
TOM: Yeah, can't you just do a voice-over of some stock footage
or something?
> Usenet is nearly a modern miracle.
MIKE: jeeez, it's not even as good as mayonnaise?
> Millions of people have access
> to it in one form or another,
CROW: Until I have to itemize, I'll use the Usenet-EZ
> and hundreds of thousands actively
> read and contribute.
TOM: [shaking] Do your part. Read something!
> They can carry on discussion and debate
> with people across the world in a printed forum with worldwide
> distribution.
CROW: But instead they just lurk in the binaries groups.
MIKE: Hey, just try to debate with people across the world
with only local distribution.
> Yet most pay little or nothing to do so, aside from
> a flat monthly access fee to a service provider.
MIKE: It's not flat, it's pectorally challenged!
> It started as a
> completely voluntary effort started by pioneers in computer
> networking, mainly as a way to serve the needs of computer
> specialists to share up-to-date technical information.
TOM: So this was when it started, I'm guessing.
CROW: And it worked so much better than the You-Must-Use-Net,
which was mandatory.
TOM: I heard some people used it to share really out-of-date
technical information and got flamed out of existance.
> It has grown
> to include people with a wide range of interests, and newsgroups
> covering an astounding galaxy of subjects.
MIKE: Milk, it does a Usenet good.
> But lately some have
> predicted its demise in the foreseeable future.
TOM: Others can't imagine that.
> How could this come about? Usenet is currently a system under great
> pressures.
CROW: [Lloyd Bridges] By now my disks were aching...
MIKE: Too easy, Crow.
> What will happen if the volume of posts rises far faster
> than the number of users
TOM: The current users will all get Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome.
> or the system's ability to assimilate them?
MIKE: [chanting] RENEW! RENEW! RENEW!
TOM: Oh, I see what he meant.
CROW: Tom, you dickweed. Can't you assimilate anything?
> What will happen if the number of people trying to improperly "cash in"
> on Usenet for free advertising, even in places not designated for
> advertising, grows by leaps and bounds, such as some unscrupulous
> individuals have promoted?
TOM: I didn't know Don King had an account.
MIKE: Talk about improperly. Shouldn't that be "Cash, Erin"?
CROW: Oh sure, pander to your audience.
> Here are the possibilities:
>
> 1.) More and more newsgroups will seek moderation and more active
> editorial control to cope with undisciplined users.
CROW: Newsgroups pass the Volstead Act and Elliot Ness and
his band of "Unpostables" are called in to keep order!
>
> 2.) With surging volume,
TOM: Wow, a Metallica concert.
> growing much faster than the user base,
> Usenet sites, commercial or otherwise, will require stiffer barriers
> to entry.
MIKE: Not a word, Crow.
> More of them will charge fees by the line, by number of
> posts, or both, to contribute.
CROW: Oh, they'll be AT&T
TOM: Does that mean we'll have a Friends & Family Usenet next?
> 3.) Governmental and educational sites may have to further restrict
> their propagation of news, as formerly noncommercial newsgroups
> become swamped with "get-rick-quick" artists placing ads where they
> don't belong.
MIKE: Did you know there's an entire "Rick" wing in the Louvre?
> 4.) Usenet may evolve into a lookalike of the highpriced online
> services like Compu$erve and Prodigy.
TOM: Wonder which one of those this Guy guy subscribes to.
> Some people might welcome such an outcome.
MIKE: But I think I've clearly shown that such people are Satan.
> But trends like this
> would be a tragedy for those who value the Usenet system now,
> which allows the humblest of us, without censorship, to express
> his thoughts on most newsgroups and practically any subject.
CROW: Off-Topic, my ass!
MIKE: I can't tell. Is he saying that only men are humble or
that only men should be allowed to express their views?
TOM: Or that women don't value the Usenet.
MIKE: Oh yeah, I missed that one.
> The
> dream of "broadcast journalism" for the masses that Usenet
> represents will be crushed.
TOM: If my computer starts picking up Dan Rather it's going
to Goodwill!
CROW: But if it starts picking up that chick from the Aerosmith
videos...
MIKE: Crow!
> Some might say that the death of
> Usenet is inevitable, that greed and folly will deal such a good
> thing an early death.
MIKE: Wow, don't play poker with Greed and Folly.
> But, despite the considerable user
> population, Usenet has seemed to get along pretty well for many
> years now. I believe there is reason to hope that our darkest
> fears may be averted.
TOM: No Dr. Ruth Wad file for Doom 2?
MIKE: No, but he forgot to say "<Pollyanna mode on>"
> If the great majority of users who enjoy
> Usenet and earnestly want to see it continue and even improve and
> evolve into something better are willing to take a stand, and
> recognize the threats that Usenet faces, we will stop the
> degeneration or disintegration of this resource.
CROW: [announcer] Next week, watch Guy try to make a sentence
longer than a paragraph.
> Guy Berliner
> --
> Finger berl...@netcom18.netcom.com for pgp key.
CROW: You finger him, I'm bitter.
> Please send me encrypted mail! Everyone else will see gibberish,
> but I'll only see plaintext, cause I just push the "Decrypt"
> button in my copy of Windows Z-mail! (Ask me for more info.)
MIKE: I think that's more than we really needed to know about
Mr. Berliner.
----------------------
tgil...@salsa.abq.bdm.com The owls are not what they seem
<I speak for the only person I can speak for>
o/~ "Ignorance and prejudice and fear walk hand in hand"
Memory, prophecy and fantasy-
the past, the future and the dreaming moment between-
are all one country, living one immortal day.
To know that is wisdom.
To use it is the Art. Clive Barker
Matt Burch
The best line of the whole misting! Nice job, Todd!
--
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Matt Burch | There are very few problems that can't be solved
mbu...@ksu.ksu.edu | with the suitable application of photon torpedoes.
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