MiSTed: A Meets D II -- The Wrath of Spock
Mark B Sachs
Mystery Science Theater 3000 Post 697 Reel 1------------------
[Open on SOL Bridge. Mike and the 'bots are there, looking very bad. Tom is
slumped on his face on the desk. Crow has an ice pack on his head. Mike's
hair is frazzled, there are dark circles under his eyes, and he generally
looks like he just woke up with a _really_ bad hangover; he's wearing a
colorful bathrobe (over his jumpsuit -- sorry, Diane) and sipping some tea.]
MIKE: Oh, hi, everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson,
and these are my friends Tom Servo and Crow...
CROW: Hi...
TOM: ...urrrgh...
MIKE: ...You kinda caught us at a bad time... the Mads, well, they used some
kind of pull they have with Paramount and yesterday they sent us "Star Trek
7: Generations."
CROW: Uuugh...
TOM: Kill me now.
MIKE: But we _survived_ it. We perservered!
CROW: Nelson... not so loud... please...
MIKE: We showed the Mads that they can't defeat us. No matter what, we still
--
[The Mads' light begins to flash.]
CROW: Oh, great. Apollo and Starbuck are calling.
TOM: I think you jinxed it, Nelson...
[Cut to Deep 13.]
FORRESTER: [in his most patronizing tone] Oh, my! Nelson and his friends
having widdle tummy problems, hmm?
[Cut to SOL.]
ALL: [just look miserable]
[Cut to Deep 13. Dr. F is standing in front of a big gray machine that looks
rather like a generator, with the coils of magnetic wire, spinning blades, et
cetera, except that it's apparently made out of plasterboard and PVC pipe.
There's a hopper on top, a chute on the side, and a number of dials.]
FORRESTER: Then you'll love our latest invention exchange: the De-Generator!
All of you are naturally familiar with the way, when you copy a videotape, it
goes down a generation -- getting lower in quality with each copy. This baby
right here does the same thing, but to scripts, not videotapes! Frank?
FRANK: That's correct, Steve. Now, I'm holding here in my hand the complete
script from "Star Trek: Generations," the wacky big-screen adventure where
Captain Picard _finally_ meets up with Captain Kirk. You guys enjoy that one?
[Cut to SOL.]
TOM: [mumbling] When we get to Earth and find you...
[Cut to Deep 13.]
FRANK: [cheerily] I thought so! Now I'll just put the script into the
De-Generator and turn the knob to 2.
FORRESTER: This way, we'll find out how much worse the movie gets after two
generations. Push the button, Frank.
[Frank does so and the De-Generator begins to spin up. However, smoke soon
starts to pour out of the machine.]
FORRESTER: Frank, what did you _do_?!
FRANK: I just set it to 2, like you said.
FORRESTER: What -- That dial is calibrated in hundreds, you idiot!
[Fire belches from the hopper and suddenly, the machine explodes. When the
smoke clears there is just a collection of burning scrap where it used to be.
All are silent for a moment.]
FRANK: We tampered in God's domain.
FORRESTER: YOU -- [tightly] Frank, why don't you go call the ambulance right
now, to save time.
FRANK: Okay. [he wanders off]
[Dr. F dubiously pokes at the wreckage with a stick and uncovers a couple of
sheets of paper, slightly burnt and inexplicably dripping with green slime.]
FORRESTER: Hmm...
[He gingerly picks up the scraps of paper between thumb and forefinger and
looks at them.]
FORRESTER: "A Vs. D II: The Wrath of Spock."
[Then with sudden decision he stuffs the papers into something offscreen.]
FORRESTER: Oh, _you_ read it.
[Cut to SOL. Buzzers, alarms, etc. go off]
MIKE: Oh no, we've got parody sign!!
[All start running around screaming as usual, except for Crow.]
CROW: [shouting] NOT SO LOUD!
[Alarms and flashing lights stop. All settle down.]
CROW: That's better.
[Alarms start up again, twice as loud. This time everyone is screaming.]
...*...6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Inside the theater, everyone takes their seats.]
CROW: I need to get a real job.
Article 13875 of alt.startrek.creative:
Path:
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From: j...@cis.ksu.edu (Joseph F. Young)
TOM: Young? Again?
MIKE: If we're unlucky we'll be forever Young.
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: AUTOPOST: AmeetsD2.zip (part 01/01)
Followup-To: alt.startrek.creative
Date: 13 Sep 1994 11:30:05 GMT
CROW (ominously): ...the year the Great War came upon us all.
Organization: Kansas State University, Dept. of Computing and Information
Sciences
Lines: 323
Distribution: world
Message-ID: <jfy.77...@depot.cis.ksu.edu.cis.ksu.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: depot.cis.ksu.edu
Summary: Automated posting of fiction from the alt.startrek.creative archive
TOM (narrator voice): Fanfic so bad, that it must be handled by robots in
airtight rooms.
This is an automated reposting of fiction from the alt.startrek.creative
archives.
This is archive file: parody/misc/AmeetsD2.zip
Any comments, questions, etc. about the archives may be
addressed to j...@cis.ksu.edu.
CROW: Hey, jfy! Why do all these stories suck?
MIKE: Wait for it, Crow.
==================================CUT HERE==================================
TOM: By all means!
Exploding: parody/misc/AmeetsD2
MIKE: I thought there was a treaty banning exploding parodies.
TOM: Apparantly there's a loophole for bad ones.
Path:
moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!rpi!ispd-newsserver!psinntp!nstn.n
s.ca!ac.dal.ca!vt102
From: vt...@ac.dal.ca
CROW: A terminal emulator wrote this story!
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
MIKE: Creative Star Trek? That's an oxymoron if I ever saw one.
Subject: A meetds D THE SEQUEL
Message-ID: <1992Feb24....@ac.dal.ca>
TOM: AC.DAL.CA, for all your auto parts needs.
Date: 24 Feb 92 21:42:11 -0400
Organization: Dalhousie University, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
MIKE: Damn this NAFTA, anyway. Look at what Canada's sending us now!
Lines: 299
A Meets D II, The Wrath of Spock
TOM: Vampire Hunter D?
CROW: Wrong kind of fanboy.
MIKE: Why do I see two New York subway trains colliding?
CROW: 'Cause you're sick and twisted and weird and no one will ever love you.
By: Steve Tonner
CROW: Hey! A 2.5 megatonner!
TOM: Don't apply a Babylon 5 joke to a Star Trek fanfic, Crow.
"Captain's log, stardate 3675.9. The enterprise has been
MIKE (as Picard): ...robbed of its capital letters by a big yellow bird.
ordered to the polaria cluster to investigate a strange rippling
effect in time.
TOM: In time of what?
MIKE (singing): In times of trouble, mother mary comes to me/ singing words
of wisdom --
ALL: Let it beeeeee!
CROW: Now if only the Mads would let us be...
If studies of this time disruption are
successful, Starfleet intends to use it for research into
historical matters
CROW: Like cleaning up the seventy billion continuity errors the writers
made...
and my revenge against Kirk for his little
joke."
TOM (as Picard): "Captain's log," indeed!
Pikard stabbed the log button with his thumb,
MIKE: OWW! That's my eye, not a button!
CROW: Stab out your own optics, baldie!
noticing a
tuft of fur under the button. " Those tribbles Kirk beamed over
are still bugging me,
CROW: Am I bugging you? I'm not touching you...
MIKE: The bridge must be covered in Tribble scat.
TOM: Scoobydoobydowapbopbopbadamp --
[Mike grabs hold of Tom and holds him very still until he cuts it out.]
even though they were all gotten rid of. If
this plan works, Kirk will be VERY sorry." thought Pikard to
himself.
CROW: Oh, what a glorious pantsing it will be!
TOM: Kirk will be coughing up velour for the next ten years!
MIKE: Hey, look, Picard with a K. The Soviets must have invaded.
CROW: You mean you just noticed, comrade?
MIKE: Well....
The Enterprise D Would arrive at her destination in three
hours.
MIKE (as Picard): Well, anyone up for a quick game of Magic?
"Captian's log, stardate 1234.5.
TOM: Fleeing from the Cylon tyranny, the last Battlestar, Galactica,
leads a ragtag fleet...
The Enterprise has been
ordered to the polaria cluster to investigate a rippling
distortion in time itself.
MIKE: All Starfleet told us was "that it's really weird and cool and neat
and stuff."
TOM: Hmph. Shatner must have exceeded the maximum ego limit and imploded
the space/time contium.
CROW: Maybe he just lost his hairpiece?
Mr Spock seems to think it could be a
gateway that had to have been artificialy created.
MIKE: Ah, that explains the "Donahoe" sign and the construction workers.
As a personal
aside, I am growing concerned about Spock.
CROW: He's missed the last few Young Republicans meetings...
TOM: And spends all his money on issues of "Protoculture Addicts" and
"Starlog."
His attempts to use
more personal speech forms
CROW: Such as "Kissikins" and "Dahaling..."
have grown worse and worse since our
encounter with the Enterprise D, and if this keeps up I will have
to do something about it."
MIKE (as Kirk): I... will have to give him... the Vulcan... wet willie.
TOM: Was that Kirk or Torgo?
MIKE: There's a difference?
Kirk stopped the recording on his log
module and looked thoughtful.
TOM: Hey, look, it's trying to think!
CROW: Let's gather round and watch its head explode.
when they got to the cluster,
things on the ship would relax, since they'd be hanging around
the cluster for weeks researching it.
ALL: Huh?
TOM: What kinda weird mama-jama logic is that?
CROW: Yeah, and how do you get to someplace you've been hanging around for
weeks?
MIKE: Well, in the scripts they'd just write "Insert technobabble here."
TOM & CROW: Oh.
Practical jokes are
definetley going to increase, eventually getting out of hand.
CROW: We've secretly replaced the warp engine's dilithium crystals with
Folger's crystals. Let's watch what happens...
ALL: (Big, cheesy explosion noises)
Kirk hoped he wouldn't have to stop things without resorting to
disintegration.
MIKE (Singing to "a spoon full of sugar"): Just a few executions puts the
mutiny right down...
Just then, Spock screamed.
CROW: Don't tell me, Snoopy wrote this fanfic?
MIKE: Yeah, and Lucy acted as scientific advisior.
TOM: The scientific advisor is IN.
all eyes turned to
him. He was hopping around at his station, eyes wide.
"Spock! what is it? Are you all right?" kirk asked.
CROW (stoned): I'm having a baaad triiipppp, Captain. I tooook tooo
muuuch....I toook toooo muuuuch.
the last
time this happened, it turned out to be a premonition of the
Enterprise's salad bar malfunctioning.
MIKE: Firings, fanfics, pain. The franchise will fall, this place will be
destroyed!
"It is all right, captian. while I was scanning the cluster,
my underwear seems to have been jerked upward, causing..."
CROW (Spock voice): ...a strangely pleasant sensation...
"Spock, Spock"
TOM (chuckling): Who's got the Spock!
kirk interrupted. " Are you telling me you
just got a wedgie? That's impossible. McCoy was nowhere near you.
he isn't even on the bridge!" Kirk said
"Not so, Jim!" Said McCoy. Kirk watched amazed, as McCoy
popped out of nothingness on the bridge.
MIKE: Wow, you know you've hit an all time low when you steal from a
Predator film.
CROW: I liked "Predator"!
"Scotty was
experimenting with the transporters, so I got him to beam my hand
up here, to give Spock his little wedge-o-rama, then beam me up
just after. neat, huh?"
CROW: I call no way!!! Where was the bloody disembodied hand?
TOM: In the conservatory with the lead pipe and Colonel Mustard?
McCoy was all smiles, breathing all over
the bridge. the stink of alcohol was prominent.
MIKE: Phew, it smells like the Republican national convention here.
"Doctor, have you been driking?" asked Kirk.
"ah, nooo, this is a new mouthwash. It's called 'eau d'ho'
Really classy, huh?"
CROW: Yeah, _real_ classy. This guy probably thinks "Flashdance" was
shafted for best picture.
TOM (singing): What a feeeeeeling!
"Doctor, as you know, assault on a superior officer is an
offense." Spock said. "You must consider yourself under
arrest..."
MIKE (as Spock): Please say you'll resist. Please? I have a new taser I
want to try out...
"No way! I'm not under arrest! besides the captian's my best
freind! isn't that right, Jimmy?" McCoy knew he would win this
little one.
TOM: Nanaya nananya nah nah! You can't touch meee!
CROW (as Bones): Dammit Jim, I'm a dickweed, not a doctor.
MIKE: Can't argue with that...
Kirk agreed that some relaxing of regs was going to
be done so this mission could be carried out more efficently.
MIKE: Yeah, like forgetting sexual harrasment laws ever existed.
TOM (soprano): Captain, you get your hand off my thigh unless you want a
bloody stump back.
CROW (as Kirk): I'm just... BOLDLY going where no man has gone before.
TOM (soprano): Not on my time, buster.
He
was moving up to talk to Spock, then shouted 'NOW!' and they both
grabbed spock. McCoy hypo'ed him, and he promptly fell to the
floor, unconscious.
TOM: Then Brutus, Cassius and the other senators stabbed him mercilessly.
MIKE: Et tu, Jim....
"Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?" asked Kirk.
CROW: Neither is shooting drugged animals but it doesn't mean it's right.
McCoy
nodded, and they carried him off the bridge.
MIKE (as Bones): Dammit Spock, what have you been eating? Sides of beef?
If the practical
joke wars were going to start up on his ship, Kirk didn't want to
be outclassed by a bunch of junior cadets.
MIKE: Yeah, that Garibaldi guy is getting too funny for his own good.
As they left the
bridge, Kirk put Chekov in command, ignoring his comment that the
art of practical joking was invented by a little old lady from
Lenningrad.
MIKE: Isn't it St. Petersburg now?
TOM: It used to be Stalingrad. Things couldn't have been much fun in
Stalingrad, right Crow?
CROW (German accent): Not much fun in Stalingrad... no....
"we have arrived at the Polaria cluster, Captian." said
data.
TOM: A man named Santa Claus is warning us to stay away from North Polaria,
sir.
CROW: Hey, look, Data's too cool to use capital letters.
MIKE: Maybe he's just the next e.e.cummings.
"Excellent, commander. Begin standard scanning pattern 45."
Pikard ordered, smiling.
Data looked puzzled. "Captian, we do not have such an
established scanning pattern."
TOM: We do have a male baldness pattern 45...
"Data, don't you remember the update sent on scanning
patterns from command?" Pikard sounded concerned.
"No, sir, I do not. Perhaps my memory has not fully
recovered from the damage done to it by That Sutteran, who
blanked the crew's memory to take the Enterprise."
CROW: Lieutenant Commander Exposition to the bridge, please.
TOM: Wait a sec! That episode happened in the beginning of season five.
And everyone recovered.
CROW: Quite the little Trekkie, aren't we, Servo.
TOM: Oh, bite me Crow.
MIKE: All right, you two...
"Perhaps you are right, Data, tell you what, just start
pattern 23." Pikard said this, then whispered to Riker "Got 'im
that time, pay up." Riker paid him.
MIKE: In rubber triangles the size of a small moon.
Pikard had finnaly gotten
Data flustered about something. There's hope yet.
CROW: Next time they're going to make Troi walk into his room naked to see
if his nose bleeds.
TOM: Quite the little otaku, aren't we, Crow?
MIKE: OK, no more obscure fanboy references...
CROW: Yeah, this from a guy who watches every Babylon 5 episode three
times on slow-frame.
MIKE: Oh, bite me, Crow.
TOM: Hmpf, the shoe's on the other stiff upper lip _now_, isn't it, Nelson?
"Course laid in and engaged, captian. At least *I* still
have my memory of the things I did while I was under the effect
of the shipwide memory blankout." said Roe, from the nav station.
TOM: Well, don't we feel like a princessey little UberFrau today!
CROW: Yeah, keep looking down at us like that and you'll get crosseyed.
MIKE: Wait a minute. Roe? Doesn't she have an appointment at the Supreme
Court?
CROW: Or maybe this fanfic just should have been aborted!
As she said this, she slyly glanced back at Riker, who winced at
her look. She was going to have fun teasing him about last week'
episode.
MIKE: Aparantly she's finished teasing him about his rather limp trombone
playing.
TOM: Riker's a bit sensitive about the "L" word, Mike..
CROW: What L word? Legume?
TOM: Crow, just rent a clue.
"Sir, security reports a disturbance in security.
MIKE: Wow, these guys are _really_ on top of things.
It seems
Mr. Data has consumed radioactive food and is acting strangely."
Worf said.
TOM: Damn unauthorized tests! Round up the usual Pentagon officials.
"Contaminated food? How did it get contaminated?" asked
Pikard. just then Wesley groaned.
CROW: Ugh! Those Starfleet cafeteria lunches...
TOM: Dysentery is like a storm raging inside a cadet...
"Sir, " said Wes "I think I had something to do with that.
MIKE: Are we surprised? I don't think so.
You see, I was doing an experiment for my energy dynamics class.
I put a photon torpedo in the galley, to see the effects it would
have when the crew was poisoned."
"You poisoned the crew, for an experiment?!" Pikard
screamed.
MIKE: Well, my teacher, Dr. Mengele, said it'd be ok.
CROW: [real quick, sniveling, et cetera] Besides this chick in the back named
Jha'Dur said she was going to infect a whooole planet with Stafford's plague,
and called me a wimp 'cause my project only killed redshirts.
When Wes nodded, Pikard gave him a good slap to the
head.
TOM: Whoa! He's been waiting seven years for that one.
CROW: Does this mean he's going to slap him around and call him Susan?
MIKE: No, Damon Wayans is.
Then he piked Wes out of his seat,
MIKE: ...impaling him with his living metal blade arm like a milk carton...
and punched him, laying
him out on the floor. Pikard started kicking him, and soon Riker
joined in.
TOM: Excuse me? Did Quentin Tarantino write this bit?
CROW: No, if he did it wouldn't suck so bad. Besides, they haven't pistol
whipped him yet.
Pretty soon everyone was having fun dancing on Wes's
body,
[Tom and Crow start singing like a mariachi band while Mike waves his hands
like castinets]
ALL (unison stomp): OLE!!
and Riker was just tying the noose
ALL (singing): The Lord loves a hangin', that's why he gave us necks!
when he remembered Data.
He told worf to follow him to ten-forward, where the security
report said Data was.
CROW: Meanwhile, Troi dragged out her whip and leather undies...
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: Hey, a bot can dream, can't he?
MIKE: No.
When they got there, Riker said to worf, "Was there any
report of just what Data was doing?"
"No sir. It said he was not behaving dangerously, just
oddly."
CROW: Look, he's doing an interpretive dance to backwards Clash songs.
TOM: No, he's writing the word "fnord" across Ten Forward with fingerpaints.
MIKE: Actually, he's doing all that and singing the complete score to HMS
Pinafore!
CROW & TOM: Really?
MIKE: Nah, he's just beating his head against the wall saying "what is the
frequency" over and over.
CROW & TOM: Oh.
Worf looked dissapointed, and Riker picked up on it.
"Don't worry, worf. I'm sure you'll be able to shoot at
smoething before this is over." Worf visibly cheered up at this,
and they went throught the doors.
TOM: Worf can finally test out the nuclear warhead he got free with his
NRA membership.
MIKE (lobbyist voice): Remember, weapons of mass destruction don't kill
people, people do.
"Hooo-kay, boyeee, get this!" Data said as he jumped across
the room to the crowd of terrified people and hugged the nearest
woman to him.
TOM: Data's become Bob Packwood!
"I'm so sad. but you love me, right?" Data asked
her. she nodded, and glanced over at Riker and Worf. Data noticed
them, and ran over. "Hi!" he said. "I love you both. sit down and
tell me strange things that start with an 's'."
MIKE: Stephen Ratliff?
CROW: Stupid Star Trek stories?
TOM: Steve Tonner?
"hmmm. On second thought, Worf. Hose him."
"YES SIR!" Worf hadn't been this happy since the day his
mother beat him silly for his birthday. He drew his phaser and
zapped Data, who fell to the floor.
CROW: Jeez, you'd think they were in the LAPD or something.
TOM: Actually Worf would be giving the LAPD a bad rep right now, too
lenient on traffic offenders.
MIKE: Meanwhile, back on the starship for geriatric has-been actors...
On the Enterprise A, things were progressing as normal. They
had been examining the time anomaly, and nobody had even noticed
that spock was missing.
CROW: Jeez, the sentences in MEIN KAMPF were easier to understand.
Chekov was off the bridge, in engineering
with Scotty.
"And then, " said Chekov, "Kirk just takes meester Spock off
the bridge, and McCoy with heem. I hawen't seen heem seence."
MIKE: Chekov has been watching too many Ren and Stimpy episodes.
TOM: You bloated eeediot!
"Don't worry, son. Spock is like a corpse in a river. He may
dissappear, and someone may worry, but he'll pop up sooner or
later, and everyone will forget him." Scott said.
CROW: Scotty knows a lot about corpses and rivers.
TOM: Call it personal experience.
MIKE: Hey, wait a minute, that was actually a funny line. What's that
doing in this fanfic?
It was time
like these that Scott was glad he picked up that wise sayings
book in regulus.
TOM: What in the Heck Ramsey does "in regulus" mean?
MIKE: I think it's legalese for "smash and grab."
"But Meeser Scott, aren't you vorried about him? " Chekov
asked.
"Not at all. It was probably just a practical joke.
CROW: An' I canna change the laws of bad humor, Chekov.
Now get
ready, the camera's about to start." he pointed to a vidcam set
up, aimed at them on the couch. when the red light came on, that
meant they were live, being broadcast to every planet in the
federation. As the free acess subspace channel ad was on,
TOM: Oh no, public access subspace!
CROW: Please oh please don't let them do a nude talk show!
Scott
took his guitar and got ready. Chekov did the same with his
drumsticks. when the announcement was over, they screamed
'Pavel's world, Pavel's world, Party on Pavel, Party on Monty'
Their latest episode had begun.
ALL: *groan*
CROW: I take that back. A nude talk show would be _respectable_ compared
to this.
Spock woke up in a turbo lift. Looking around, he started to
remember what had led up to this situation. He was wondering
about the value of just knocking someone out and stiking them on
a lift
MIKE: Ah, a question that has plagued all the great philosophers and frat
boys.
until he stood up. Kirk and McCoy had stripped him, and
put him in a dress.
TOM (as Spock): Those dickweeds! I look horrible in chartruse!
CROW: Is it a full length dress or a sun dress?
MIKE: For the sake of my meager sanity let's say full length and leave it
at that.
searching his pockets, Spock found only a
quarter in one of them. as the turbolift stopped, Spock looked at
the doors and saw his reflection. They had put makeup on him.
CROW: They shouldn't have used so much eye shadow. It makes him look cheap.
As
the doors opened, the ensign who was talking to her freinds
stopped, looked at Spock, and passed out. The others cracked up
laughing, and Spock walked past them, trying to hide his face.
CROW: I thought Vulcans couldn't feel embarassment.
MIKE: In this situation a lead wall would feel embarassment.
When he got to his quarters, they were locked, and he had to pick
the lock with the quarter.
TOM: Lucky thing he'd seen that MacGyver episode earlier on.
CROW: Bio-Booster Armor McGyver, coming soon.
Thirty minutes later he emerged, in
proper uniform this time, and slipped into a service accessway to
plan his revenge.
CROW: How can a Vulcan have vengeful feelings?
MIKE: Crow, just say the mantra.
CROW: "Ivanova is always right..."
MIKE: The other mantra, Crow.
CROW: The one about Kibo?
MIKE (patiently): No --
TOM (interrupting suddenly, near tears): Oh, this is like watching every
"Police Academy" movie back to back. Mike, get us out of here.
MIKE: Yeah, maybe we'd better.
...1...2...3...4...5...6...*...
[SOL Bridge. Everyone looks very relaxed.]
TOM: Ahh, I feel better. I just needed some air.
MIKE: I think this break is just what we _all_ needed. We can get our second
wind now -- the post's already half over. How much worse can it get?
CROW: Don't give anyone any ideas, Mike.
MIKE: Fair enough, little buddy. Say, what with all the practical joking
going on in today's experiment, I had an idea. What if we all tried to think
of our own practical jokes? It'd be a nice relaxation exercise.
TOM: Mike, buddy, you're brilliant.
CROW: Can I start?
MIKE: By all means.
CROW: Okay. You've heard of putting a tack on someone's chair?
TOM: Sure.
CROW: Okay, it's just like that... except you use a rusty nail!
TOM: Ooh, I like it! Better, though. What if we took a whoopie cushion... and
instead of filling it with air, use pepper gas! Guaranteed to break the ice
at parties.
CROW: That's good! That's good! But wait a minute, let's think bigger. Joy
buzzer.
TOM: Uh huh.
CROW: _Eight_ million volts.
TOM: Not _bad_. Okay, how about this? You take a bag of dog doo and set it on
fire, and leave it on the Satellite's doorstep.
CROW: What's so special about that?
TOM: When M -- the unsuspecting victim goes outside to stomp it out, he's
sucked away into space and asphyxiates!
CROW: Haha! Yes! Okay, my turn. Instead of mashed potatoes... lye and
Philadelphia tap water!
TOM: Instead of grapes, _real_ _human_ _eyeballs_!
CROW: Instead of grape juice, boiling liquid _death_!
TOM: Instead of Hagril biscuits --
MIKE: [suddenly] ALL RIGHT! All right. That's enough.
CROW: Gee, Mike, what's wrong?
TOM: Yeah, they're just practical jokes. No harm done.
MIKE: No. You've taken a fun little exercise and turned it into something
sick and twisted. Forget it. Just run along, you two.
CROW: Okay...
TOM: ...spoilsport...
[They wander off.]
MIKE: [shouting after them] And stay out of the lye!
[He sighs mournfully and just sits there a few seconds, chin in hands, before
Crow zooms back in. Crow's hand is outstretched. There's very obviously a joy
buzzer in it, connected with wires to a huge backpack on his back.]
CROW: Hey, Mike. No hard feelings, pal. Let's shake hands and make up.
MIKE: No, Crow, I'm not shaking hands with you.
CROW: Aw, come on. Shake.
MIKE: No!
CROW: Shake it!
MIKE: I will _not_ --
[buzzers, sirens, etc]
MIKE: Oh thank God, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!
*...6...5...4...3...2...1...
The Enterprise D had just completed their survey of the time
Anomaly. Therefore, the Red alert sounded just then.
MIKE: Illogical!
TOM: Ill-concieved!
CROW: Ill Communication, the latest album from the Beastie Boys!
"Bridge, this is Pikard. What's the problem up there?"
"Captian, this is Riker. we were just finishing up the scans
of the time ripples when one of them struck us.
CROW (as Riker): I only had my hand on her thigh. She didn't have to
strike me.
Data has
recovered, and seems to think that we were transported through
time somehow. "
MIKE: Aparantly the writer doesn't have the skill to create the proper
technobabble explanation for all this.
TOM: Mike, the writer doesn't have the skill to create well-formed sentences.
"Very well, number one. I'll be up shortly." Pikard got out
of bed, and put on his uniform.
"What's wrong, Jean-Luc?" asked Beverly Crusher.
"Probably nothing, Bev. Go back to sleep." Jean-Luc made a
mental note to serve red max wine more often when they had dinner
together.
CROW: Ah, the Billy Dee Williams plan for successful dating.
TOM: Yes, there's nothing more romantic than liquored-up love.
MIKE: If this keeps up he'll be storing 40's of St. Ides to serve Beverly
during breakfast.
TOM: [announcer voice] And it's all thanks to _booze_!
As he arrived on the bridge, he had to tell everyone to get
away from Mr. Worf's station, again. he went over to Worf. "Mr.
Worf, just what is it that makes your station so interesting?
CROW: I've gotten a preview copy of Mortal Kombat XXXV with all the new
kill routines!
I
mean, there isnn't even a... then he noticed he could see down
Troi's top, and grinned. He looked at Worf, and smiled. Looked
like Worf was adapting to starfleet after all.
MIKE: Ah, degrading women is standard operating proceedure on the Enterprise.
TOM: Something tells me this Steve Tonner person doesn't get out much.
CROW: Something tells me this Steve Tonner person has a copy of the Bare
Facts Video Guide with the Mirina Sirtis listings dogeared and sticky.
TOM: D'oh!
MIKE: That's strike two, Crow.
Pikard sat down in his chair. "Status, number one."
"Yes sir. we were enveloped in a piece from the time anomaly
and the sensor maps changed. It would seem that we have travelled
back in time roughly eighty years."
"Eighty years?" Pikard asked.
CROW: Why hasn't my hair grown back?
"yupperino, captian." iker replied.
TOM: Ned Flanders, Starfleet Officer.
CROW (as Flanders): How doodely do you do, Mr. Borg! God loves you!
"That means we're in the
Enterprise A's time.
Pikard smiled and gave the order to search for the
Enterprise A, then glanced down. "Hasn't anybody removed Wesley's
body yet?" Pikard asked to the bridge in general.
MIKE: Sorry sir, the crew was a little peckish so...
CROW: And you're complaining about MY riffs. Sheesh!
Worf stepped up
to him, apologized, and promptly picked Wes up and tried stuffing
him into the disposal chute. He wouldn't fit, so he just tossed
him in Pikard's ready-room.
TOM: Along with the other corpses piled knee-high.
Pikard went to the door of the bridge washroom. "I'll be
reading, Number one. Inform me as soon as we locate the
Enterprise A. " Pikard was thirsty for his revenge.
MIKE: Ah, now we know where his copy of the complete works of Shakespere
went.
CROW: Yeah, it's keeping the toilet lid from rattling when he flushes.
TOM: You know, revenge is a dish best served cold...
MIKE & CROW: [chorus] Yes, we know.
But the Enterprise A found them first.
CROW: Insert dire musical sting here.
TOM: "Dire" is right.
"Keptin, I am reading another starship in the sector.
Captian! it is the Enterprise A! they found us!" said Chekov from
the science station.
TOM: Excuse me! Hello! Enterprise D, not A!
CROW: Jeez, I think Torgo was the copy editor for this fanfic.
MIKE (as Torgo): I HaVe ThE FiRsT DrAfTs FoR YoUuu.
TOM (shuddering): Don't DO that!
"Red alert, raise shields." said Kirk. "bring us around
behind them."
MIKE: Oh, that brings up some nasty images.
TOM (as Deliverence guy): Now let's see you just drop them there pants...
When the Enterprise A was in position, Kirk asked, "Do they
know we're back here yet?"
"No, Keptin." said Chekov.
"Ok, then. prepare a boarding party.
CROW: Party! Woohoo!
TOM: Kegger!
I want full armaments.
MIKE: It's good to want things.
Uhura, pipe me through the ship."
TOM (as Uhura): Sir, I don't think you'd fit into the drains!
"You're on, sir." Uhura said
CROW: It's the Rush Limbaugh show!
"Crew, this is the captian. We are sending a boarding party
to try to capture the Enterprise D. Let's kick these guys
friggin' ass, boiz!"
CROW: Oh, Kirk in da hood!
MIKE (as Kirk): I've got... a lot of... the... street... in me... homie.
The boarding party gathered in the transporter room, and
beamed over. Materializing on the Bridge, Kirk, Chekov, and three
security men drew their phasers and pointed them at the crew on
the bridge of the Enterprise D.
MIKE: Hey, it's not nice to point!
TOM: What, you expect Kirk to know good etiquite?
"All right, freeze! Everyone get
back or we'll shoot!" said Kirk. The Bridge crew complied, but
Kirk noticed something. "Hey, Where's Pikard? " he asked.
TOM: He's with Dr. Richard Kimble... somewhere.
"He's uh, gone. I don't know where. "Riker said.
CROW (dumb voice): We're, uh, like, closed or something.
He knew
that if the captian wasn't captured, there may yet be hope.
"But commander, don't you remember? The captian went to the
bathroom right over there." Worf said. Everyone in the Enterprise
D's bridge crew moaned and slapped their foreheads.
ALL: Waap waap waap waaaaaaahhh...
Worf looked
around nervously. "oops." He said. After Kirk had gotten Pikard
out of the bathroom, he surveyed them all.
"Well, Pikard, looks like i win after all, Don't I?" gloated
Kirk.
MIKE (as Kirk): I was always a better captain than you, baldie.
CROW (as Picard): Then why did I win sexiest man on TV, fatso.
"Ok, set phasers to kill. Let's blast them and take this
ship." Kirk ordered the security men.
The men drew their phasers and aimed them at the bridge crew
of the Enterprise D. The pulled the triggerrs on the phasers- and
they fell apart in their hands. Nobody was more surprised than
Kikr.
TOM: Apparently this hasn't happened to Kirk before.
CROW: It happens to every testosterone-poisoned captain at one time or
another. He should deal with it maturely.
MIKE: Mature. Are we talking about the same Kirk here?
"Damnit!" He yelled. "Dribble phasers! This could only be
the work of Spock!" Just then, Spock's face appeared on the
viewscreen.
TOM: Hey, he's still wearing makeup!
"Well, Jim, seems I have the upper hand." The screen
blanked, and the Enterprise A fired her phasers, but against the
Enterprise D's hull, all they did was put black marks across the
flame job they had painted on at starbase 54.
MIKE: That tears it, Starfleet is run by white trash.
CROW: And when did you reach this brilliant conclusion?
The screen came back on right after. Spock didn't look so
pleased this time. "ahhh, Captian, I must report myself for being
bad. Sorry"
"Beam me back Spock." Kirk said. "this boarding party has
failed.
TOM: Geez, the Penn State Science Fiction Society has livelier parties.
CROW: Well, they don't try to take over a major piece of Federation
hardware during their shindigs.
TOM: True, true.
"No way, Kirk. You tried to Kill all of us. You won't get
away with this." said pikard.
"oh, yeah, sorry about that," said kirk "guess i haven't
been feeling that well lately."
MIKE: My thorazine perscription has kinda run out.
"Never mind, you may leave." Pikard said, then he whispered
to Riker "As soon as he is back on the Enterprise A, disable her
warp drive and put her in a tractor beam.
CROW: I'm a sore loser, bite me.
Kirk and the rest of his men dissolved in the transporter
beam. when they were gone, pikard yelled" fire phasers! disable
them!" two beams erupted from the saucer section, and cut the
warp nacelles cleanly away from the Enterprise A.
TOM: Now, what would Freud say about that?
CROW: He'd scream continuity error.
MIKE: If he read this far, I think he'd just be screaming.
"Now let's have some fun!" said Pikard as the tractor beam
locked on.
MIKE: Fun? At this stage? Impossible.
He ordered a series of fast manouvers, heavy on the
dips and rolls,
TOM: I dunno about rolls, but I can confirm that this story is indeed
_very_ heavy on the dips.
until every single person on the Enterprise A was
bazooka barfing at full pressure.
MIKE: I just love class satire. This ranks up there with "Dr. Strangelove."
TOM: Or "Brazil."
CROW: Actually, this is closer to "Malcolm triple X."
TOM: How would you know?
CROW: Uh...
When pikard came up on the screen, which was covered with
puke, he laughed.
"Well, Kirk. It would seem that your inertial dampener is
not so powerful as ours is. Do you surrender?"
CROW: Or do we have to snicker snag on you?
Kirk looked up from his chair's built-in puke receptor.
"Fine Pikard. Have it your way. We surrender." Just then the
Enterprise A broke away from the tractor beam, to the amazement
of the crews of both ships.
TOM: Oh, now he's completely broken my suspension of disbelief.
The Enterprise A swung off and to the
front of the Enterprise D on her impulse engines, and this time
fired photons. they struck the navigational array, and destroyed
it. kirk was frantically trying to figure out who was doing this,
while Pikard was trying frantically to raise his shields.
MIKE: Jane, stop this crazy thing!
The Enterprise A fired again, and hit her warp engines. She
lost her warp drive then, as well.
CROW: Whose warp engines? Mike, I'm confused.
MIKE: So's the writer.
While the bridge of the
Enterprise D was in flames, Spock's picture again appeared on the
veiwscreen.
"Well, Pikard. I knew you would try to take this ship once
Kirk returned to it, but I took it back. Yo ustill have your
superior weapons and can destroy this ship, but what will that
avail you? your navigational arry is gone. you can go nowhere,
even if you had your warp drive. There is nothing left for you
but to return to your time through the time anomaly we are near,
and call for help. You may have outraced us once, but I am the
winner here.
CROW: Jeez, Gundam death speaches are shorter than this thing.
TOM: They make a bit more sense, too.
Pikard was flabbergasted. he was blown away.
MIKE: With Jeff Bridges and Tommy Lee Jones!
"ahh, but, um,
you see..." was all he could get out. Riker stepped in.
"Fine Spock, you win for now. but rest assured, You haven't
seen the last of us." Riker cut the connection, and manouvered
the Enterprise D back to her own time.
CROW: OOOH! Riker's being forceful!
TOM: He's such a manly man.
"Fine. "he thought to
himself. "Score: D=1, A=1. But watch out for the tiebreaker."
ALL: NOOOOO!
The End
ALL: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Standard copyright stuff,
etc.
CROW: Ah, so this is where "property of Best Brains" goes, right?
TOM: Shhh, Crow!
==================================CUT HERE=================================
--
Joseph Young TIVOLI Systems, Inc.
Joseph...@Tivoli.COM 6034 W. Courtyard Dr. #210
Phone: (512) 794-9070 Austin, TX 78730, USA
TOM: If I ever find this guy I'm definately going to cut something.
MIKE: C'mon, let's get out of here.
...1...2...3...4...5...6...*...
[SOL Bridge. Mike, standing in front of a blackboard, is wearing a
standard professor's outfit with black robe and mortarboard, and holding
a pointer. Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are all present.]
MIKE: All right class, settle down. Your assignment was to write your own
Star Trek crossover fanfic that was better than the one we just read. Mr.
Servo, are you ready?
TOM: Uh, yes indeed, sir. Well, my idea was to write a fanfic which would
rectify all the numerous inconsistencies in all the _other_ fanfics. Mike, if
you would?
[Mike reaches offscreen and produces a stack of papers at least six inches
high, which he drops on the table.]
CROW: That's pretty impressive, Tom. It must have taken ages for you to write
that story.
TOM: Actually, this is only the outline. And, well, it's not quite finished
yet --
MIKE: Mr. T. Robot. Did you complete your assignment?
CROW: Why, yes I did, Professor Nelson. Here it is.
[In Crow's right hand is a single sheet of paper.]
CROW: Ahem. "A Meets D III, The Search for Plot." Chapter one. The Enterprise
A and the Enterprise D both travel through time and completely fail to meet
one another. The end.
MIKE: Well, kind of a different approach, but it has its own charm. Ms.
Gypsy?
[Gypsy drops several pieces of construction paper with crayon drawings on
them out of her mouth and onto the table.]
GYPSY: My story is called "Richard Basehart." It's a complete story of his
life in words and pictures, with particular attention to his long and varied
TV career.
MIKE: How does it relate to Star Trek?
GYPSY: Who?
[Pause.]
CROW: You know, sometimes I can't help but think that Gypsy is the luckiest
one of us all.
MIKE: What do you think, sirs?
[Cut to Deep 13. Frank is trying to clean up the wreckage of the
De-Generator, but keeps burning his hands on the bits of it.]
FORRESTER: Well, Boomer, I'm surprised you're still alive, after --
FRANK: -- yowch --
FORRESTER: -- after that, er, little jaunt into crossover hell --
FRANK: -- owie --
FORRESTER: -- crossover hell, I said! Still, I think --
FRANK: -- yow! --
FORRESTER: -- I -- Frank! What are you doing?
FRANK: I'm just trying to clean up the, uh, the thing...
FORRESTER: Why don't you wear gloves?
FRANK: [utterly bewildered] Gloves?
FORRESTER: Oh, just push the button, Frank.
\ | /
\|/
--*-- psssssscht!
/|\
/ | \
FRANK: OWIE!
--------------------------------------------------
Credits:
MSTing by Andrija Popovic (ARP...@psu.edu)
and Mark Sachs (sa...@crayola.cse.psu.edu)
Original fanfic "A Meets D II: The Wrath of Spock" by Steve Tonner
Star Trek, all versions, no matter how goofy, are copyright Paramount
Pictures. MST3K situations and characters are copyright Best Brains.
Please don't sue us, we're just college students and we don't have
anything worth confiscating. Also note that no personal animosity
is meant towards Mr. Tonner, and we're _certainly_ not encouraging
you to replace _his_ mashed potatoes with lye and Philadelphia
tap water. No indeed. At least, not without sending us photos.
If you're interested in doing a MiSTing yourself, email
misties...@jg.cso.uiuc.edu.
> Scott
> took his guitar and got ready. Chekov did the same with his
> drumsticks. when the announcement was over, they screamed
> 'Pavel's world, Pavel's world, Party on Pavel, Party on Monty'
> Their latest episode had begun.