MSTed: Men In Black 4/4
M Sampo
MIKE: Good job, Tom...
TOM: Thanks!
> Further details on the strange nature and activities of the
>Man In Black can be found in Ivan T. Sanderson's book 'UNINVITED
>VISITORS' (London, Neville Spearman. 1969):
> "The new type of 'visitor'--almost invariably dressed in
>black--was alleged to spend the entire interview asking
>penetrating questions, refusing to answer any himself, giving
>out not one iota of information.
MIKE: Sounds like my insurance agent...(bots giggle)
> These MIB posed in all manner
>of guises, all the way from FBI or CIA agents and military
>personnel to insurance brokers
MIKE: Yaahhh! (bots gasp) I should have known!
> or electric power or phone
>inspectors. Since impersonating an officer is a grave offense,
>local police forces, state police, and newsmen naturally sought
>both information and guidance from the proper authorities.
TOM: And that was their first mistake!
>Not only did all such proper authorities emphatically deny having
>prompted any such cloak-and-dagger interviews but, I am told,
>expressed themselves as being seriously concerned about these
>reports.
CROW: ...and admitted wishing they'd thought of it.
> "I recently received a firsthand report from an old friend--
>John A. Keel--who until last year was as skeptical a news hound as
>I have known.
(Crow and Tom bark)
> In substance, this was a detailed account of a
>prolonged investigation of a UFO sighting witnessed by two
>families. Both families are solid, and both were previously
>skeptical of UFO's. In due course, a most extraordinary person,
>almost seven feet tall, with a small head, dead white skin,
>enormous frame but pipe-stem limbs,
CROW: Larry Bird!
MIKE: No, Crow--that...that's my insurance agent!
> turned up after dark on a
>cold blustery night on the doorstep of one of these families. He
>announced that he was an insurance agent
MIKE (becoming agitated): Ya see?! Ya see?!
TOM (genuine concern): Mike, honey, you're scaring me...
MIKE: Pysch! Gotcha, Tom! (He and Crow laugh)
TOM: Oh, you...
> searching for a certain
>gentleman who had the same name as the head of the house, because
>that man might have inherited a great deal of money. This weird
>individual just appeared out of the night wearing a strange new
>hat with a visor and only a light jacket.
CROW (as fashion show announcer): Our kicky alien is wearing a smashing
chapeau designed by Luigi of Monte Carlo and his go-anywhere jacket
doubles as a signal for extraterrestrial spacecraft.
> He flashed an
>official-looking card on entry, but put it away immediately.
>Later, when he removed his jacket, he disclosed an official-
>looking golden shield on his shirt which he instantly covered
>with his hand and removed.
MIKE (as Joe Friday): This is the galaxy. My name's Gorthob. I carry a
badge.
> "He requested exactly forty minutes in which to ask some
>questions. This was granted, and he proceeded to use up exactly
>thirty of these minutes with some penetrating questions about
>scars on the father's chest, and other details that were not
>known even to some of the rest of the family.
TOM (nervously): Heh-heh..honest, honey, I DID get those scars fishing...
> He then got up to
>leave but spent ten minutes giving the astonished people a long
>and rambling conundrum.
CROW (in monster voice): A train leaves a station going 30 miles an
hour...
> He asked the people to try and solve his
>riddle. Then he left. However, the eldest daughter had become
>greatly intrigued by this individual during his 'interrogation'
>because his tight pants
MIKE (whimpering): I don't like where this is going...
> had ridden up his skinny legs and she had
>seen a green wire issuing from his sock and going up his pants
>leg, INTO his flesh at two points which were bridged over with
>about an inch of dark scar tissue.
TOM: Humans are so squeamish about having wires stuck in them--heck, I got
lots o' wires!
> As a result, she ducked out
>of the back of the house and observed the person's exit. There
>was no yard lights and it was a dark night, but the girl was able
>to see a large black car and it drove off, STILL WITHOUT LIGHTS.
CROW: Driving at night without lights? Only one answer: aliens.
> "The next day, the head of the family, a prominent local
>businessman and still a profound skeptic, was called to the phone
>and a female voice told him flatly and rather curtly that they
>had found the man (of the same name) they were looking for in
>California, and then hung up.
MIKE: Hello? Hello? What about my chest scars? Hello?
> Not once during the
>'interrogation' were UFO's mentioned nor the family's experiences
>with them. However, the other family who had witnessed the UFO
>was also contacted by phone in a long series of most strange, and
>in some ways ridiculous manner."
TOM: And the Jerky Boys were born...
> In his book, 'OPERATION TROJAN HORSE', John Keel himself
>describes his own investigations of the MIB phenomena in a way
>which seems to suggest that we are at least in part dealing with
>the 'secret service' agents of some hidden society which is very
>intent on protecting it's 'national security', perhaps a
>subterranean society of oriental-appearing people.
MIKE, TOM and CROW: That's ASIAN.
> This may
>explain SOME, though perhaps not all, of the 'Men In Black'
>reports. If we were dealing with an extra planetary society it
>might not make sense for such people to go to such great lengths
>to protect their domain.
CROW: WHAT?
MIKE: He lost me on that one, too, Crow.
> Here is some of what Mr. Keel
>discovered during his years of investigation:
"...Mystery men appeared in flap areas and warned, even
TOM: What's a flap area?
MIKE: A bird sanctuary, I guess...
>threatened, witnesses into silence. Some of these men appeared
>in Air Force uniforms, and when fragments of these stories
>reached the cultists, they howled even more about 'suppression of
>the truth.'
> "I have investigated many of these cases myself, and I
>quickly discovered, to my amazement, that these 'Air Force
>Officers' all looked alike.
CROW: And they were all named Mulder!
> They were slight, olive-skinned men
>with Oriental eyes and high cheekbones. Some witnesses said they
>looked like Italians; others thought they were Burmese or (Far-
>eastern) 'Indian'. I reported this to the Pentagon and found
>that other cases had been turning up, and that military
>intelligence, AND EVEN THE FBI, were involved in investigating
>some of them.
TOM: The FBI? You mean real G-men? Geepers!
> Early in 1967, I published a newspaper feature on
>these Air Force impersonators, and it was reprinted around the
>world.
MIKE (as Mr. Kimble from Green Acres): Well, not the world...I showed it
to some friends...
> "'Three "men in black" have repeatedly driven up to the
>homes of witnesses in their shiny black Cadillacs to frighten the
>people into silence. In nearly every case, these men have been
>described as short, dark-skinned Orientals.
MIKE, TOM and CROW: ASIANS!
> For years many of
>the UFO cultists have believed that the government was tapping
>their phones and censoring their mail (much UFO mail seems to go
>astray). Recently New York's District Attorney Frank Hogan
>revealed that it takes six men to maintain a full surveillance on
>a single phone.
TOM: And eight to change a lightbulb.
> Phone tapping is a very expensive procedure, and
>we can seriously question the need or justification for the Air
>Force and CIA maintaining taps on the phones of teen-agers and
>little old ladies involved in UFO research.
CROW: And just how many little old ladies ARE involved in UFO research?
> But if the phenomena
>itself is electromagnetic in nature, it might be able to
>manipulate our telephone systems just as it seems to manipulate
>automobile ignition systems.
> "The real truth is that the UFO cultists have been played
>for suckers for years, not by the government, but by the
>phenomenon.
TOM: I'll have my phenomenon scrambled, sir!
> Mischievous, even malicious rumors and nonsense have
>been passed on to them through the contactees, and they have
>accepted this rubbish as fact... Situations have been engineered
>by the phenomena to make the UFO cultists suspicious of the
>government and of one another.
MIKE: The "kick-me" signs alone should indicate something...
> The in-fighting between the
>various groups deserves special study by itself. Many cultists
>are living in genuine terror.
CROW: But most live in luxury townhouses!
> Some no longer trust their own
>families.
TOM: Always a good first step.
MIKE: Your brain may no longer be the boss!
> Several have suffered nervous breakdowns.
> "...By early 1967," Keel continues, "I had decided that the
>evidence for the extraterrestrial origin was purely
>circumstantial, and I began to hint in print that perhaps a more
>complex situation was involved. To my astonishment, my rejection
>of the outer-space hypothesis focused the wrath and suspicion of
>the UFO cultists on me. Rumors were circulated nationwide that I
>was a CIA agent.
CROW: Which I am.
> Later, contactees began to whisper to local UFO
>investigators that the real John Keel had been kidnapped by a
>flying saucer and that a cunning android who looked just like me
>had been substituted in my place.
MIKE (laughs): Hah! Whoever heard of a cunning android?
Tom and CROW: HEY!!!!
> Incredible though it may
>sound, this was taken very seriously, and later even some of my
>more rational correspondents admitted that they carefully
>compared the signatures on my current letters with the prerumor
>letters they had received..."
MIKE: Note that he has to categorize his friends by how rational they
are....
> There are some indications that the 'Men In Black' are
>actually emissaries of a high-tech 'secret society' existing in
>some deep recess of the planet, who closely monitor and attempt
>to manipulate conditions in the outer world.
CROW: But, if so, I certainly haven't given any evidence of it here...
> Whether they are
>part of the ancient 'serpent cult' described by William Cooper,
MIKE: ...but which I've negelected to mention up till now....
>which he alleges is the power working behind the Illuminati, or
>whether the 'Men In Black' hail from some other unknown source
TOM: ...like drinking too much cappacino and reading bad comic books...
>is a matter of debate.
CROW: Well, that certainly cleared up...HEY!!
> * * *
TOM: So two people get visits from insurance salesmen with bad tans and
that means there's a secret civilization? Let's go....(they rise and
leave...)
>-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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>and an anonymous id will be allocated automatically. You have been
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1.....2.....3.....4.....5.....6....<clunk>
[SOL]
CROW: Mike, I have a question.
MIKE: Sure, go ahead, Crow.
CROW: Well......WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS POSTING TRYING TO TELL US???
MIKE: I'm not sure I take your meaning.
CROW: C'mon, Mike! Every one of the people who has reported one of these
appearances by the Men in Black has serious credibility problems to begin
with, right?
MIKE: Right. They're all basically a little goofy, yeah.
CROW: No one's ever harmed when these Men In Black visit...
MIKE: As near as I can tell, that's true...
CROW: And despite various veiled and not-so-veiled threats, nothing ever
came of the visits...
MIKE: Yes...
CROW: So, I put it to you: WHO THE HELL CARES???
TOM: Well, what *I* want to know is: why doesn't somebody just walk up to
one of these Men in Black and pop him right in the nose??? Huh??? All I
get from this post is that these Men in Black are incompetant, clumsy,
ineffectual and complete losers. They're about as menacing as a gerbil!
CROW: Good point, Tom. Can you imagine these guys trying this act in, say,
South Central L.A.? They'd be stripped down to their gawky white bodies,
have the big black Cadillacs hijacked and get their butts kicked all the
way back to the Alpha Centuri!
MIKE: I have to agree, guys. But remember, once you've decided to believe
in flying saucers and subterranian worlds, lipstick-wearing kemo patients
making empty threats to terrified suburbanites isn't much of a leap.
TOM: Hey, I just thought of something! What if our brains have been taken
over...and we only THINK this is a lame post?! Maybe we really think this
post made a lot of sense...but sinister alien forces have manipulated our
minds to make us THINK it's pointless drivel
MIKE: You may be on to something, Tom. But then again, sinister alien
forces may have manipulated my mind so that I only THINK you're on to
something....
TOM: Good point! Wait! I may only THINK that's a good point...
CROW (deep sigh, Mad light lights up): Leeeeet's see what Dr. F is up to,
huh guys?
[Deep 13]
(The bald dolls are still singing away. Dr. F. is working feverishly at
the now-torn-open control panel for the dolls. Looks up)
Dr. F: Oh, hi, Mike. I....er...seem to be having some trouble turning my
latest creation off...heh-heh...no big deal, of course...(he flails away
with a hammer at the tangle of wires, the dolls keep singing)...shouldn't
be a problem...I (grinning like a lunatic) why, I can listen to this all
day....really I can....(reaches down, picks up a giant sledgehammer and
brings it down on the controls...)
WOOOSH!!!!!
(doll's singing continues. We hear Dr F. yell "Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!")
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Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations and trademarks
are (C) Copyright 1995 of Best Brains, Inc. This document is intended
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included in its entirety. No offense was meant if any loony UFO nut
mentioned in this post reads this and is offended.
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> Eventually Mr. Cameron was
>convinced that he was "King David the holy spirit" reincarnated,
>and that he was to be a future god-king overseeing the "crystal
>chandelier" movement which involved never-ending copulation
>between King Cameron and countless cosmic high-priestesses...
Sampo
=======================================================
I've undergone a complex personal evolution wherein painful confusion has
given way to what I like to think of as some degree of wisdom, culminating
in my current Zarathustrian sense of self. Is that it?
=======================================================