MSTed: Feminism--Mask for Marxism?
M Sampo
1......2.......3.......4.......5.......6......Clunk
[SOL]
(Tom Servo and Mike are at the desk.)
Mike (to the camera): Hi, everybody. I'm Mike "The Hammer" Nelson (Tom
giggles) and with me here is Tom "The Avenger" Servo...
Tom: Yeah!
Mike: And we were just working on a cool nickname for Crow...hey, where is
Crow, anyway?
Tom: I dunno, I--
(We can now hear quick footsteps coming closer, along with little grunts
and
groans and heavy breathing from Crow. Mike and Tom look off stage as the
footsteps and the heavy breathing get louder and louder. Finally, Crow
enters
dressed in rags, with a beard hanging down from his beak...he struggles up
to
the camera, breathing heavy, and then says)...
Crow (in a low gruff voice): It's!
(Mike and Tom look at each other, baffled.)
Mike: Crow, what are you doing?
Crow (in his normal voice): Oh, you know, Mike. Like on Monty Python. The
old
guy comes running up at the start of the show and says "It's!"
Tom (sighing): Yes, Crow, we know. And your point is????
Crow: Oh, come on, guys! It's witty! It's unexpected!
Mike (doing the old man voice): It's (back to normal voice) plagiarism.
Tom: And (doing the old man voice) it's (back to normal) a 25-year-old
joke,
Crow. (To himself) You know, it IS kind of fun, though. (As the old man)
It's!
Mike: Well, now that you mention it...(as the old man) It's! It's! (Normal
voice). Hey, it *is* fun! (Mike and Tom starting saying "It's" over and
over)
Crow: Hey, guys....guys! That was my idea!!
Tom (pauses in saying "It's" to say): Yeah, well now you know how Michael
Palin feels! (He and Mike go back to saying "It's" and laughing to each
other.)
Crow (over them): Guys....guys...(commercial sign lights flash)...guys...
(cut to spaghetti ball, bumper music comes up, we can still hear Tom and
Mike
saying "It's" and Crow starting to cry as he pleads "guys!")
[commercial]
[SOL]
(Mike pulling the beard off Crow's beak)
Mike: Well, Crow, I hope you've learned that it's not right just to use a
great idea somebody else made up, even if you mean it as flattery.
Crow (downcast): Yeah, I guess so.
Mike: That's the boy...[Deep 13 lights flash]
Tom: Uh, Mike, Leopold and Loeb are calling. (Mike hits the button)
[Deep 13]
(Dr. F and Frank are sitting at an important-looking desk; two men in dark
suits on the other side of the desk. Dr. F looks up at the camera.)
Dr. F: Ah, Max! Glad you could join us. And it's funny that you should be
talking about plagiarism....it seems my crack team of entertainment
lawyers
here (indicates the two suits) have uncovered numerous cases of people
using
the phrase "Deep" without our express written permission. Gentlemen?
Lawyer 1: That's undeniably correct, Doctor. There are several movies:
"The
Deep" of course, and "Deep Throat"...
Lawyer 2: We should make millions off that--which means YOU may actually
see
some money from that one, Doctor.
Lawyer 1: Well, let's not be too hasty...And then there's the song "Deep
in
the Heart of Texas"...
Frank: Hey, what about Deep Space 9? (Both lawyers pause and think, then)
Both Lawyers: Naaaahhhh.
Lawyer 1: Talk about blood from a stone....
(The lawyers continue to discuss matters as Dr. F. signals to Frank and
both
rise and walks toward the camera).
Dr. F (smiling, philosophical): You know, Frank, it does my heart good to
see
that the legal system is still able to squash people at a whim, whether
they
deserve it or not.
Frank (admiringly): Doctor Forrester, you are so deep. (In the background,
the two lawyers stop talking suddenly and look at Frank. Then they start
laughing evilly). Hey, guys, hold on a minute...it's just an
expression...(backing away as the lawyers head toward him)...Doctor
Forrester...tell them it's just an expression....Doctor Forrester! (the
lawyers push him off camera) AHHHHHHH!!!!
(We hear sounds of flesh tearing and growling and Frank screaming. Dr. F.
shrugs his shoulders.)
Dr. F. (calmly): That'll teach you to utter a copyrighted phrase, Frank.
(To
camera). Anyway, Mel, while we're firing off some threatening letters to
Frank's next of kin, *IT'S* time for you and your little buddies to choke
down a full-length transcript of Tom Valentine's Radio Free America. And I
hope it gives you DEEP pain! (The sound of the growling and flesh tearing
stops. Dr. F. looks fearfully off stage. To himself.) Oh, bloody hell. (He
rushes off in the opposite direction.)
[SOL]
(Movie sign lights are flashing and buzzer is sounding)
Mike, Tom and Crow: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!! WE HAVE POSTING SIGN!!!!!! (They rush
off.)
6......5......4......3.......2.......1......
>Subject: Feminism: Mask for Marxism?
>From: bi...@prairienet.org (Brian Redman)
Tom (as Mike is putting him down) Eden Prairienet??
Mike: I don't think so, honey...
>Date: 31 Jan 1995 13:06:06 GMT
>Message-ID: <3glcju$7...@vixen.cso.uiuc.edu>
>FEMINISM: MASK FOR MARXISM?
Crow: Oh brother...
Tom: Guys, I got a bad feeling about this...
>Tom Valentine's guest on *Radio Free America* (Short-wave, 5.065 MHz
Tom: ...and something tells me it mega-HURTS
>mon-fri, 9 p.m. CST) on December 28, 1994 was Andrea Pearson,
>editor-in-chief of a newsletter called "Americans In Exile"
Crow: "Editor-in chief...." (Laughs)
Tom: ...and circulation manager, and receptionist...
Mike: ...and its most loyal reader.
>[contact info to be included below]. Ms. Pearson has some non-
>politically correct views on Feminism, etc. Note that views
>expressed in the following do not necessarily reflect my own
>views or those of Conspiracy Nation.
Tom: We think she's much too soft on feminists!
> + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
Crow (whispering): It's full of stars!
>[Awesome sounds of John Philip Souza's "Stars and Stripes Forever"]
Mike: Awesome, dude!
>ANNOUNCER:
>It's *Radio Free America*, the talk show for intelligent
>Americans, with your host, Tom Valentine.
Tom: The poor man's Robert Dornan!
>*Radio Free America* is brought to you by *The Spotlight* [CN --
>Note: Throw mud here.]
Crow: Harcourt Fenton Mudd you dirty rotten....
Mike: We get it, Crow.
>Call 1-800-522-6292 for your subscription.
>And now, the newspaper that "tells it like it is" presents Tom
>Valentine.
Tom: Give it up for him!
Crow and Mike: Woof! Woof! Woof!
>TOM VALENTINE:
>Hello, everybody. Welcome back, to *Radio Free America*.
>And before I get to my guest and to our topic tonight, I want to
>bring up something
Crow: He's gonna chunk!
Tom and Mike: Ahhhhh!
>that I mentioned in the first hour.
>The *New York Times* lead editorial today [12/28/94] should be
>framed and hung on the mantle like the antlers of a trophy animal
>by a big hunter
Mike: And so should its author!
> down at the Spotlight*. "The Miscalculation in
>Chechnya," it says.
Tom: Hah! Is that wacky Pentium chip at it again?
>"President Boris Yeltsin was justified," (get that), "...was
>justified in using force against the breakaway Russian republic
>of Chechnya."
>So, right off the bat, the opinion of the owners of the *New York
>Times* organization is, that Yeltsin was "justified" in this that
>we're watching on the media right now.
Crow: Right now? Yeltsin is responsible for this show??
Mike: If he is, no wonder Chechnya wants out.
>And it was *The Spotlight* that pointed out yesterday, or this
>week's *Spotlight* points out that the bankers are behind the
>move on it
Tom: Wow! Banking really IS an exciting profession!
> and that Russia got the nod from the united States.
Crow: Maybe they were just nodding off.
>In fact, on December the 11th, Boris Yeltsin was given the green
>light to go ahead and attack, according to *The Spotlight*, by
>none other than Strobe Talbot of the Clinton administration!
Mike: And when Strobe says "Jump", Boris asks "How high?"
>The very last paragraph of this long, rambling [*New York Times*]
>editorial chastising Boris Yeltsin for being clumsy as he carries
>out the orders from the boardroom.
Crow: Russia: Long known as a tool of big business.
> The very last
paragraph
>says, "Washington has an interest in keeping Russia and 'reform'
>intact." It does. And this is the wonderful paragraph here, that
>belongs on the mantle: "After initially giving Mr. Yeltsin a
>green light for military intervention [in Chechnya]..."
Mike: Yes? And?
Tom: That was a paragraph? That wasn't even a sentence!
>They just got through chewing him out for being clumsy and his
>application of the military and his not finding a political
>solution. But they're admitting that Mr. Yeltsin was given a
>green light by the Clinton administration.
Crow: ...and his point is...?
Mike: No idea, Crow.
> Well how is it
the
>Clinton administration can give the Russian bear a green light to
>kill people if it isn't somebody higher up? And I don't mean God,
>but people playing God with all the money -- the bankers.
Tom: So, um, Clinton controls the bankers?
Mike: No, I think Clinton controls Yeltsin.
Tom: Well, but what about the bankers?
Crow: WHO THE HELL IS STROBE TALBOT??!!!
>This editorial, folks, you should get it and frame it. Today's
>*New York Times* editorial on Chechnya. It's an excellent piece
>to prove our point.
Tom: As soon as we decide what it is.
>Now. We gotta change gears, change subject, totally. On *Radio
>Free America*, whenever I have open phones in the last few years,
>one of my, I would call 'em regular callers, is a lovely lady.
Mike: A lovely, lonely lady.
>She calls in from Pittsfield, Massachusetts. And she always has
>something intelligent to contribute. And so last week when she
>called and we were talking, I asked her if she'd be a guest. And
>she has agreed to be a guest. So I want to introduce Andrea, from
>Pittsfield, Massachusetts.
Mike: Where's she from again?
> Of course, we always use only first
>names of callers. However, Andrea, you have stepped out of the
>anonymity of caller-ship and you have... Your last name is
>"Pearson". Andrea Pearson, you are no longer anonymous.
Tom: And that was your first mistake.
>Welcome to *Radio Free America*.
>ANDREA PEARSON:
>Good evening, Tom.
>VALENTINE:
>First of all, tell me a little about yourself. Why is it that you
>have this consuming interest in the, the movement of the
>feminists and their influence on society?
Mike (in woman's voice): Well, ever since my sex-change, I--
>PEARSON:
>Well it's my observation that, under the banner of Feminism,
>Marxism and Socialism are being imposed on the American people.
Tom: Oh, well I can see how---HUH???
Crow: Marxism AND Socialism?? Wow!! That's quite a trick!
>And not only that, but Feminism and the culture that has replaced
>the American culture that we once had, is a paradigm.
Mike: Is not!
>
And because
>men are so socialized to protect women from things that are
>offensive, and to give them good things -- that no one speaks
>against it.
Crow: Yeah, yeah, get me a beer.
>So...
>VALENTINE:
>Wow... Wait a minute, wait a minute. What you just said is very
>interesting.
Tom (as Artie Johnson): But stupid...
>Because we men...And if you're brought from a traditional
>family,
Crow: And raised by wolves...
> you are taught by your parents that uh, the "ladies
>first" and to have courtesy and that the distaff side of things
>is to get all of your attention. And we *do* for our women.
Tom: We even vote for them!
>That's the purpose of a man being alive. We're taught that.
Mike: Make's ya wonder why women want rights at all!
>And you're saying that, because of that, these feminists have an
>edge in pushing their agenda.
Crow: Sure worked for the E.R.A.!
>PEARSON:
>...the Marxists in our government and in the U.N. are
>manipulating the male nature in order to impose Marxist policies
>and programs and [to] influence our belief systems and change our
>culture.
Mike: Your tax dollars at work!
> I think it's one of the most destructive forces that has
>ever happened in the history of the world. And...
>VALENTINE:
>This is gonna be very interesting, Andrea. We have a break coming
>up. But already, I'm interested.
Crow: Or as interested as I can be when a woman is talking...
>My guest is Andrea Pearson, from Pittsfield, Massachusetts. And
>the gender war, being used on us.
Tom: Well said!
> I'm Tom Valentine,
this
is
>*Radio Free America*.
>[...break...]
Mike: Well, I guess it's time to, um... (they get up and start to leave)
>All right, we are back, live.
All: Yaahh!! (They sit back down)
Crow: Guess not.
> And my guest is Andrea Pearson.
And
>she's out of
Tom: Everybody?
Tom, Crow and Mike: Pittsfield, Massachusetts.
> Pittsfield, Massachusetts.
>And before we go anywhere further with your thesis and so forth,
>Andrea... When you say "Marxist"... Now that has a different
connotation to a lot of different people. My idea of a Marxist is
one thing, yours may be another.
Mike: Some think immediately of Groucho, while other prefer Harpo,
> How are you using
"Marxism",
>"Marxist"?
>PEARSON:
>Well in the writings of Karl Marx and other Communists, they
>write about their belief systems in many different ways. For
>instance, in terms of borders, who owns property, who can own
>land, who owns the operation of the industry, [who] controls
>that, and so forth.
Crow: So you're saying you don't know, then.
>But they also have very strong beliefs about marriage. They
>believe that marriage is a system imposed by a patriarchal,
>capitalistic system, by men, onto women. And that it's something
>that is *used* by men, against women, by force.
Tom: Obviously Karl never attended a bachelor party.
>VALENTINE:
>So you're using "Marxist" as "those who have taken the ideas of
>Karl Marx and others, and put them together to centralize things
>and to break down standard traditions, such as the basic, nuclear
>family, for the purposes of the State or the people in charge at
>that central headquarters running everything."
Crow: Uh, is Mr. Valentine listening to the same lady we are?
PEARSON:
>Well not only do these people want to have power over us. They
>want to destroy the American economy.
Mike: Hey, who doesn't?
> They want to
destroy our
>borders. They want to make restrictions about who can own
>property and about how industry is regulated.
Tom: Of course they do, honey.
>VALENTINE:
>Well that's what our government's doing now. And we don't have
>any Marxists in the American government -- ha, ha, ha.
Crow (flatly): Har har.
Mike (in narrator's voice): He laughed a bitter, resentful laugh.
>PEARSON:
>We certainly do. And they are also doing very severe damage,
>through legislation, to the American family. And to, also, our
>belief systems, our culture.
Tom: Our pancake houses...
> When you think about America,
Crow: I touch myself!
>
you
>think about its culture and its rituals [CN -- also its colorful
>colloquialisms, so *verboten* now in our major universities].
Crow: Hey! Cut that out!
Mike: If it's one thing I hate it's an interloper.
> And
>in terms of gender politics, what you might think of is, in the
>1950s, the way a man would tip his hat to a lady or open a door
>for her.
Tom: Yes, that anti-door-holding legislation has been devastating.
> Or the way daddy felt about his little girl.
Mike: Oh, now that's just wrong!
Crow: Sick, sick, sick.
> And
how
>boys, or children, inter-related with each other in terms of sex
>roles.
Tom: Um...is outing himself here?
>Well the U.N. has an interest in that. And they have an interest
>and it's very strong.
Mike (tensely): So strong it can barely hold its impulses in check...
> There's a Convention on the Elimination of
>all Forms of Discrimination Against Women. And we, as a nation,
>have had a Congress and President who have decided that they want
>to impose that, as the force of law, upon the American people.
>And what *my* contention is, is that the basic premise of
>Feminism is faulty.
Crow: Whoa! That change of subject almost snapped my neck!
> And that women were never discriminated
>against in America.
Tom (chuckling): That silly voting thing was just a misunderstanding.
> And that they actually *chose* a different
>role: That they preferred to live in marriages.
Crow: As opposed to being Wayne Newton's love slaves....
> And they
>preferred to raise their own children.
Crow: Since setting them adrift on ice floes was kind of a bummer.
> And they preferred
this
in
>an equal relationship before God -- although their role was
>different.
>VALENTINE:
>All right. That's a very fair beginning.
Mike: It's got a nice beat and it's easy to dance to.
>Now you say legislation had something to do with this. How about
>giving me an example.
>PEARSON:
>Well, let me just read you a short list of some of the more
>severe ones: Affirmative Action for Women (which is preference
>for employment for women),
All: Gasp!
> Campus Security Act,
All: GASP!
Crow: It's horrible!
>
the Gender Equity
>in Education Act, the Violence Against Women Act,
All: GASP!
Tom: They're all around us! Closing in!!
>
the Fair Pay
>Act (which is now pending, before Congress),
Mike: Not fair pay!! It's a madhouse! A madhouse!!
> and the
U.N.
>Convention on the Elimination of all Forms of Discrimination
>Against Women. *That*, uh U.N. Convention, is something that all
>of these previous laws that I mentioned, are... those things are
>mentioned in the [U.N.] Convention. And what our Congress is
>doing is bringing us into accordance with global law concerning
>men and women.
Crow: Well, thank goodness there are reasonable countries in the U.N. that
know better than to treat women equally.
Tom: Yes, as long as there's a Saudi Arabia, the world is a better place.
>VALENTINE:
>Do you think that this movement is the reason that the man can't
>make enough money to support a family anymore; that both the man
>and the wife have to work to make ends meet today?
Mike: Or is it because men are just lazy slobs?
>PEARSON:
>I think that the destruction of the economy was deliberate, in
>order to create a crisis whereby they could lure first the man,
>and then the woman, away from the children.
Crow: Well, it certainly sounds...WHAT???
> Because
a
basic part
>of Communism and people who believe in Communism is that the
>children belong in the care of the State.
Mike: Well, that's going too far. I do NOT want my kids cared for by a
second-rate sketch comedy group.
>VALENTINE:
>All right. Let's take this: The Gender Equity Act. You mentioned
>that before.
>PEARSON:
>Well this is a *monstrous* piece of legislation.
Crow (as the old man in "Gamera"): This must be the monster legislation
I've
heard them talk...about...so much....lately?
> And
just
to
>begin with, with that: If you look at the studies which preceded
>the Gender Equity in Education Act and you find out what kind of
>research was done to justify this massive piece of intrusive
>legislation, what you find is that the statistics were grossly
>distorted in order to achieve the answers that the radical
>Marxist-Feminists wanted.
Tom: And they were copying off Lenin's paper, anyway...
> And so, what we ended up with was
a
>study that said, "Girls suffer greatly in our school system
Mike: If you're into that sort of thing...
Tom: Mike, I think this post is getting to you.
Mike: Sorry.
>
and
>in our culture. They have terrible blows to their self-esteem."
Crow: Such as when half-baked education reformers tell them they're only
good
for raising kids.
>And that, in areas like math and science, "they're greatly
>damaged and hindered by the American system"
Mike: But at least they can get out of gym whenever the want!
> --
when, in fact,
>that's really not true.
>TOM VALENTINE:
>I can tell ya, being a student in high school in '49, '50, '51,
>'52, that that wasn't true.
(Tom, Crow and Mike laugh derisively.)
Tom: Oh, and that information is relevant how?
Crow: Well, maybe he was a girl in '49, '50, '51, '52
>ANDREA PEARSON:
>Oh it certainly isn't true...
>VALENTINE:
>Our class valedictorian was a girl!
Tom, Crow and Mike: Shut up!
> [i.e., young woman; cf.
>*Politically Correct Bedtime Stories* by James Finn Garner.]
Tom: There he is again! Stop that!!
>PEARSON:
>Oh yes, absolutely. There *is* no gender inequity in education.
Mike: Ah, the blissful certainty that can only come in the absence of real
information.
>And yet, in the Gender Equity in Education Act what we end up
>with is a massive system -- not only re-writing of history,
>textbooks intended to create certain opinions in children
Crow (in little kid's voice, droning monotonously): Gallagher IS funny...
>regarding gender roles, but really disgusting things like parent
>education about gender roles and their influence on learning.
Tom: When parent education about the Marxist menace would be much more
useful.
>VALENTINE:
>All right. I want to take this up in more detail when we come
>back.
Mike: Oh, that's what this subject needs--more detail.
>My guest is Andrea Pearson.
All: From Pittsfield, Massachusetts.
> And we're talking about the
gender
>war, and Marxism. I'm Tom Valentine. This is *Radio Free
>America*.
>
Tom (to the others): Time to go, guys. (They rise and leave)
>[....break...]
1........2........3........4........5.........6......CLUNK
[SOL]
(The desk has been cleared away. Mike, in a red jacket and loud tie, is
seated in a swivel chair at center rear. Tom, in a blue suit and bow tie,
is
in a swivel chair to his right and Gypsy, in a business suit, is in a
swivel
chair to Tom's right. Crow is in a swivel chair to Mike's left, wearing a
rumpled beige suit stuffed with pillows.
Urgent music begins)
Magic Voice: And now, the Nelson Group. An extensively rehearsed
discussion
of the issues of the day or whatever Mike wants to talk about. Now, here's
the moderator, Mike Nelson.
(Close-up on Mike)
Mike (bellowing): ISSUE ONE! The Gender War! Who's winning? Tom "Buster
Brown" Servo!
(Cut to Tom)
Tom: Well, Mike, in cases like these, I think everybody loses...
(Cut to Mike)
Mike: WRONG! Gypsy, my little pipsy!
(Cut to Gypsy)
Gypsy: As a practicing Marxist-Feminist, I think more women should be
trained
to drive tractors--
(Cut to Mike)
Mike: WRONG! Crow Gourmand!
(Cut to Crow)
Crow (in a gravelly voice): Uh, well, I, er, well (belches)--Uh, Nelson,
you
like a bus boy in that jacket.
(Cut to Mike)
Mike: WRONG!! Cambot! (All look at the camera. Silence.) WRONG! The
correct
answer is--It's a tie!!
(Tom, Crow and Gypsy all begin arguing at once.)
Magic Voice (over the din): We have commercial sign.
Mike (looking up, talking to Magic Voice): WRONG!!!!
(Cut to spaghetti ball, Nelson Group music comes up, arguing continues, we
hear Mike say "WRONG!" once more...)
[Commercial]
End of section 1
Sampo
=======================================================
I've undergone a complex personal evolution wherein painful confusion has
given way to what I like to think of as some degree of wisdom, culminating
in my current Zarathustrian sense of self. Is that it?
=======================================================
Jamie Plummer
> >none other than Strobe Talbot of the Clinton administration!
> Mike: And when Strobe says "Jump", Boris asks "How high?"
I'm disappointed in Crow...
Strobe is the former Time "journalist" who is now
Undersecretary of State conducting the Clinton administration's
disastorous Russia policy.
I couldn't have MSTed this myself. Andrea had some good points
about some of that legislation and the general philosophy of
Marxism.
Of couse, I dunno what the hell that stuff about the UN
conspiracy to take over the world through women is...
I personally wanna see a black helicopters MSTing...
--
BCNU... | "Whenever I'm wrong, the world makes a bit less sense"-Fraiser
Jamie Plummer |"You can't be a succesful dictator and design women's
jc...@Virginia.EDU| underclothing"-Bertie Wooster
Gramm 1996 | "The sun is the hottiest planet in the solar system. And if you tried to eat it it would burn you."-Chris Elliot
Rei Nakazawa
>I couldn't have MSTed this myself. Andrea had some good points
>about some of that legislation and the general philosophy of
>Marxism.
Hmmm... When was the last time someone AGREED with an
MSTied post??? :)
>Of couse, I dunno what the hell that stuff about the UN
>conspiracy to take over the world through women is...
Ah, then you didn't pay attention. If you wanna find out
what that was all about, I've established my VERY OWN
radio show! Yep, just send me your address, and I'll send
you the first twelve hours of my show, when my guests included
Ludwig Plutonium, Tom Valentine, and... Hey, where'd everyone
go?
Sampo: HILARIOUS! I've not laughed at a MSTing that hard
in a long time! Terrific! Keep up the good work! Continue
to make me feel inferior! :)
Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa
With a name like Strobe Talbot, I wouldn't be surprised if he were
in on a conspiracy, just to make up for all that elementary school
teasing...
Mike Barklage
Sampo! LOL! Especially the "Deep Copyrighted" part! Wish I'd thought of
it... <g>
Uh oh. I said "d**p." Now I'll have Forrester's lawyers all over me. <g>
Mike Barklage -- MSTie #19634 | "We are all interested in the future, for
aka Chirpy the Mutant Hellbeast | that is where we will spend the rest
aka bark...@ucsu.Colorado.edu | of our lives."
| - Criswell, _Plan 9 From Outer Space_